Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.5 “The Chain Gang/The Boss”

Posted on July 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

What I’ve long-feared has happened.

Tubi has removed the original Fantasy Island from its site. The recently-canceled Fox version can be viewed but not the original. Don’t get me wrong. I liked the new Fox version. But these are Retro Television Reviews and a show that premiered in 2021 is not yet retro.

Fortunately, quite a few episodes are on YouTube and it’s probable that the original complete series will again end up streaming somewhere. So, I’m going to try to continue to review this show. I can’t guarantee that I won’t run out of episodes at some point. For instance, it doesn’t appear that much of seasons 6 or 7 can be found, even on YouTube. (Unfortunately, it appears that only the first three seasons of Fantasy Island have been released on DVD.) But I’m going to do my best!

Episode 3.5 “The Chain Gang/The Boss”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on October 19th, 1979)

Tattoo has decided that he wants to be an artist! Mr. Roarke demands to know why because God forbid Tattoo have a life outside of spotting the plane. Tattoo admits that he wants to get the island women to pose for him. Mr. Roarke orders Tattoo to abandon his art career and head down to the docks to meet the plane.

The plane is carrying two guests who hope, much like Tattoo, to change their lives.

Cindy Carter (Donna Mills) is a switchboard operator who has a crush on her boss, Brent Bailey (Brett Halsey). Her fantasy is to be the boss of her own company. Mr. Roarke grants her wish and soon, Cindy is in charge of her own multi-national corporation. In fact, her corporation owns Brent Bailey’s business! Cindy also gets a executive assistant named Gary Pointer (Roddy McDowall). Unfortunately, it turns out that Brent isn’t a very nice person and he’s been siphoning money out of the pension fund. He threatens to frame Cindy to keep her from approving an audit of the fund. However, with Gary’s support and eventual love, Cindy stands up to Brent and reveals his wrong-doing. Mr. Atwell (Stacy Keach, Sr.), the presumed-dead head of the company, suddenly shows up at the stockholder’s meeting and announces that he faked his own death to discover who was embezzling from the pension fund. The stockholders applaud as Brent Bailey is taken away from the police. It’s all rather silly and melodramatic but the likable presence of Roddy McDowall kept the story entertaining.

Meanwhile, Mike Jenner (Dennis Cole) came to the Island to confront Eddie Collins (Cameron Mitchell), the criminal that Mike believes murdered his father and framed him for a theft. (There’s a lot of theft in this episode.) Mr. Roarke reveals that Eddie lives in a nearby fishing village. Mike goes to the village, spots Eddie, and punches him. Eddie hits back….

….and both of them are sentenced to spend a year on a chain gang!

Fantasy Island has a chain gang!? And the chain gang is overseen by a redneck named Captain Hawks (R.G. Armstong)!? Why has this never been mentioned before? I mean, is it normal to sentence paying guests to spend a year on the chain gang?

Anyway, Eddie and Mike set aside their difference and break out out the prison camp. (Fantasy Island has prison camps!?) During their escape, Eddie gets trapped in quicksand. Mike does eventually rescue him but only after Eddie confesses to having framed Mike’s father. As soon as Eddie confesses, Mr. Roarke shows up in his jeep. Apparently, Mike is now free to leave the Island with his fiancee (Pat Klous) while Eddie is sent to the Fantasy Island prison for the rest of his life. Much as the other fantasy was saved by the reliable likability of Roddy McDowall, this episode was saved by Cameron Mitchell’s grouchy presence. One could always trust Mitchell to give it his all while playing a bad guy.

With the fantasies taken care of, Tattoo returns to his art. When he asks his model to pose naked, she destroys all of his paintings while Mr. Roarke laughs and laughs. Mr. Roarke really does hate his assistant.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.9 “Tolerance” and 5.10 “Big Brother Blues”

Posted on July 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, many important lessons are learend.

Episode 5.9 “Tolerance”

(Directed by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on November 13th, 1999)

Even though none of them have ever been seen or mentioned over the course of the previous 87 episodes, the episode reveals that Deering High is home to several students who dress in black, wear black eye-liner, and who hang out at a coffeehouse called The Morgue.

I know what you’re thinking. They’re Goths, right?

No, according to Hang Time, they’re called Grotes, which is short for Grotesques. Uhmmm …. okay. Was Grote actually a term that was used in 1999? Maybe it’s an Indiana thing. Who knows?

Anyway, everyone at school is scared of the Grotes, which makes it awkward when Kristy is assigned to work with one of them for her science class. At first, Syd (Alicia Lagano) dismisses Kristy as just being a typical popular cheerleader but she’s impressed with Kristy actually shows up at the Morgue. Kristy learns that the Grotes are human underneath all of their dark makeup and she also realizes that her two best friends are incredibly shallow when they start making fun of the Grotes. While it’s in character for Mary Beth to be judgmental of someone else’s fashion choices, I was a little bit surprised to see that the show portrayed Julie as being equally close-minded. Usually, Julie is portrayed as being a near-saint. You would think that, with all trouble Julie has supposedly had getting people to accept her as a basketball player, she would be a bit less …, well, mean. Mary Beth makes fun of the Grotes for wearing too much makeup. Julie goes as far as to say that the Grotes should expect to be picked on if they’re going to insist on being so different.

Kristy decides to teach her friends a lesson by dressing up like a Grote. At first, Julie and Mary Beth are shocked to see Kristy dressed in black and wearing too much eyeliner. Later, they’re stunned to learn that Kristy has been beaten up by two non-Grote bullies. At the homecoming dance, Mary Beth is elected Homecoming Queen and she spends her acceptance speech apologizing for judging the Grotes. She gives her crown to Kritsy as way to thank Kristy “for teaching me about tolerance.” The audience goes, “Awwwww!” but it’s hard not to notice that none of the Grotes are at the dance.

Meanwhile, Eugene is dating a woman who has graduated from college! It turns out that he lied to her about his age. Despite the fact that everything about Eugene screams “High School Sophomore!,” Eugene convinces her that he’s a college student. But then Eugene’s girlfriend (Veronica Lauren) is hired to teach at the school! Uh-oh! Is Deering about to become a crime scene? Fear not. It turns out that Eugene’s girlfriend is a genius who graduated from high school when she was 12 and is only 16 years old. Uhmm, okay.

This episode aired a year after “A Guy and a Goth,” the episode of City Guys where Chris dated a goth girl and briefly dressed up like a goth himself. This is actually a rare example of City Guys handling a topic better than Hang Time. First off, City Guys actually used the term “goth” as opposed to “grote.” As well, there’s something painfully self-congratulatory about the Hang Time version of this story. Mary Beth apologizes to the Grotes but there aren’t any Grotes at the dance so it’s not really going to do them a lot of good. In the end, the audience said “awwwww,” not because Mary Beth was being tolerant but because Kristy, Mary Beth, and Julie agreed to still be friends.

How much you want to bet that we’ll never see Eugene’s girlfriend or the Grotes again?

Episode 5.10 “Big Brother Blues”

(Directed by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on November 20th, 1999)

The Tornadoes are one victory away from making the playoffs!

Yes, apparently, the Tornadoes have been having another successful season. Up until this episode, we really haven’t heard much about Deering’s latest season. I imagine this is because Season 5 and 6 were originally meant to be one season before NBC decided to not only split the show’s final 26 episodes into two seasons but also to show the episodes out of order. Just judging from the episode descriptions that are available on Wikipedia, it appears that most of the basketball episodes were moved to the sixth season.

Anyway, as I said, the Tornadoes are once again one game away from making the playoffs. However, they have to defeat the Mustangs, a team that Deering hasn’t defeated in over 11 years. The team is convinced that they’re jinxed. Coach K. brings in a “jinx exorcist” who works with the NBA. He dramatically banishes the jinx from the locker room. With their confidence intact, the Tornadoes dominate the first half. However, at halftime, they discover that the jinx exorcist was just some random guy that Coach K paid to fool them. The Tornadoes lose their confidence and nearly lose the game. In the end, thanks to Silk’s final shot, the Tornadoes win by …. you guessed it …. one point!

Meanwhile, Michael and Silk sign up for the Big Brother program and are assigned to spend time with a kid named Daniel. Daniel loves hanging out with Michael and Silk but it turns out that Daniel’s mom is a racist who doesn’t want her son to hang out with anyone black. Daniel still comes to the game but, after the Tornadoes win, he’s dragged away by his mom. Daniel runs back into the locker room to give Silk a hug but it’s pretty clear that the two of them will never see each other again,

What a sad ending!

This episode featured both Mary Beth and Julie talking about how much they hate it when people are judged by how they look. Interestingly enough, no one says, “You mean like how you judged the Grotes?” That said, it was a heartfelt episode with a good message and Danso Gordon does a good job of portraying Silk’s anger and sadness. The final scene was far more moving that what one would typically expect of a Peter Engel-produced sitcom.

Next week: the team gets cocky!

Retro Television Reviews: Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway (dir by Randal Kleiser)

Posted on July 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1976’s Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Dawn Wetherby (Eve Plumb) is fifteen years old. She’s naive. She’s innocent. She’s …. well, let’s just be honest and admit that she’s not particularly bright. Sick of being embarrassed by her alcoholic mom (Lynn Carlin), Dawn decides to hop on a bus and travel to Hollywood. Maybe she can make a new life for herself in California.

Of course, it doesn’t take long for Dawn to discover that Los Angeles is not a city where dreams magically come true. It’s a tough and harsh town and it’s not like Dawn has any money or any particular skills. When she tries to get a job, she’s told that she’s too young. When she tries to rent a room, she’s told that ten dollars is not enough to cover two weeks rent. When she gives a dollar to a boy who says that he needs it, he responds by mugging her for the rest of her cash. A prostitute named Frankie Lee (Marguerite DeLain) takes some sympathy on Dawn and tells her to call if she ever wants to make some money.

Eventually, a nasty cough leads to Dawn going to the free clinic. That’s where she meets Alexander (Leigh McCloskey). Alexander is a teen runaway, just like Dawn. However, Alexander also can somehow afford an apartment and food to eat. Alexander invites Dawn to live with him and Dawn, realizing she has no where else to go, agrees. Alexander offers to look after her but, after Dawn discovers that Alexander makes his money by working as a male prostitute, Dawn decides that she needs a job of her own.

It’s time to call Frankie Lee! And it’s time for Frankie Lee to introduce Dawn to Swan (Bo Hopkins), a pimp who lives in a nice house and who offers to put Dawn to work….

Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway is an earnest film that was obviously made with the best of intentions and which actually did have something say, in its melodramatic way, about the dangers of running away from home and trying to make it on your own when you’re not even old enough to drive. That said, I imagine that most people who go through the effort to track down this film will do so because it stars The Brady Bunch‘s Eve Plumb as an underage runway who ends up walking the streets and taking men back to her motel room. The movie might as well be called Jan Brady Goes Bad, because Eve Plumb does essentially give the same performance that she gave when she was playing the whiniest member of the Brady Bunch. There’s nothing tough or streetwise about her, which works for the first half of the film but not during the second half. Once Dawn has been on the streets for a bit, you would expect her to toughen up a bit but she still comes across like she’s mad at Greg and Bobby for tying up the phone. Dawn goes through a lot and becomes a bit jaded as a result but, every time she speaks, you expect her to exclaim, “Why does Marcia get to runaway from home but I don’t? It’s not fair!” Far more impressive are the performances of Bo Hopkins and, in the role of Dawn’s probation officer, George Stanford Brown. William Schallert also has a good bit as Dawn’s first client, who ends up feeling so sorry for Dawn that he just give her twenty dollars and then tells her to go back home.

Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runway is one of those film that was obviously designed to make parents worry about their kids. It seems to be asking, “Do you know where your children are tonight?” In 1976, I imagine they were busy watching Jan Brady try to make it on the mean streets of Hollywood.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.11 “Barbarino’s Girl” and 1.12 “California Dreamin'”

Posted on July 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Barbarino gets a girlfriend and Gabe nearly gets killed by Julie.

Episode 1.11 “Barbarino’s Girl”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 25th, 1975)

At the start of this episode, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his uncle and a monkey. I didn’t get it. Julie didn’t look that amused either.

At school, the Sweathogs are not in a good mood because it’s report card time! Gabe tells the Sweathogs not to panic because apparently, even if they are failing Social Studies, they still have time to raise their grades. (So, I guess Gabe is handing out progress reports as opposed to report cards.) Epstein has a note from his mother’s doctor explaining that any bad grades would be bad for her health. (He actually has several notes, one for each class.) The note is signed “Epstein’s Mother’s Doctor.”

Freddie, meanwhile, tries to bribe Gabe with a half-eaten apple while Horshack falls to his knees and begs for a good grade. Only Barbarino doesn’t beg, probably because he knows that he’s the best-looking guy in the school and when you’ve got a smile like that, who needs brains?

Gabe passes out the report cards. Epstein says, “Thanks for killing my mother.” Freddie takes back his apple. Horshack starts to laugh in his braying way. Gabe asks Horshack what’s so funny about his bad grade. Horshack replies that he’s laughing at Barbarino’s even worse grade. Barbarino, it turns out, actually does care about his grades because his mother is a saint who apparently hits him with rosary beads whenever he brings home a bad grade. Gabe says that he can’t just pass Vinne to be nice. He asks what Vinnie would become if everyone just passed him without checking to make sure that he actually learned something. “A high school graduate,” Vinnie says and he has a point.

Speaking of high school and grades and getting held back, I noticed that Barbarino, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack appear to be the only regular members of the class. This episode featured a lot of students getting upset over their report card and I think one reason they struggled with Kotter’s class is that none of them had ever attended before. Seriously, who are half these people!? I definitely would have noticed that goony redhead sitting in the corner if he had ever attended class before this episode.

Gabe arranges for Barbarino to get some tutoring from Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck), the same girl that ran against him for student body president. Though Judy and Barbarino initially don’t get along, they soon bond of their shared love of rhyming insults. Unfortunately, the other Sweathogs give Barbarino a hard time about his new friendship with Judy and Barbarino is stunned when Judy turns down his offer of a date. However, Judy later changes her mind and goes to Coney Island with Barbarino and the Sweathogs. Awwwww!

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his cousin, Gorgeous Jerry Kotter. It was short joke and apparently, the point was that Gorgeous Jerry had a lot of back hair.

This episode pretty much existed so that John Travolta could do his dumb but sweet routine and I have no problem with that because he did it very well and he showed off that smile that could light up a room. Plus, Barbarino and Judy Borden were a cute couple. That said, I’ll be surprised if their relationship is ever mentioned again.

Episode 1.12 “California Dreamin'”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 2nd, 1975)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about the time that his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. Gabe replied, “I didn’t sign it.” Later, Gabe’s father came to the school and backed him up. Good for him.

Back at school….

Hey look! The goony redhead is back!

And the goony redhead gets some company when Mr. Woodman stops by the classroom to introduce a transfer student from California. Her name is Bambi (Susan Lanier) and she tells everyone that she loves the beach. She also requests that everyone call her Sunshine.

All the Sweathogs are smitten but Bambi seems to be more interested in Mr. Kotter, asking him what his sign is. Gabe reveals that he’s an Aquarius. “I knew it!” Bambi shouts. Bambi asks Gabe to show her around. Gabe suggests that she ask one of the Sweathogs. “They’re not groovy like you,” Bambi replies.

After the school day ends, Gabe returns to his apartment. Julie asks him why a girl named Sunshine has been repeatedly calling the apartment and asking whether or not Gabe wants to go skinny dipping. Julie is so annoyed that she even puts on her glasses so that her withering stare can be magnified.

Julie asks Gabe if he has anything to say for himself.

“Yes,” Gabe replies, “Can I go?”

Gabe explains that Sunshine has a crush on him but he also tells Julie that he’ll explain to Sunshine tomorrow that they cannot run off together. He says that he’s sure that he can get Sunshine to understand and, “If she doesn’t, I promise I’ll write.” Julie attacks Gabe with a pillow in a way that suggests that she’s genuinely furious with him. Reportedly, Marcia Strassman and Gabe Kaplan did not get along during the production of Welcome Back, Kotter and, in this episode, Julie really does seem like she’s just looking for an excuse to kill her husband.

Back in the classroom, each Sweathog tries to impress Bambi. Epstenin chants her name. Horshack shows up with a walking stick, an overcoat, and sunglasses and pretends to be a Hollywood producer. Freddie sings a calypso song about how Santa Claus is black. Barbarino rushes into the room and sings, “I’m singing ba-ba-ba-ba-Barbino!” while the audience goes crazy.

Gabe, however, asks to speak to Bambi in the hallway. He reveals that he checked her records and discovered that she’s not from California. She’s from Lubbock and she’s been to 11 different schools, where she has always caused trouble. Bambi decides to show Gabe what type of trouble she can cause by entering the room and announcing that her pencil is on Gabe’s desk. Barbarino, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack lunge for it.

After Gabe points out how foolish everyone is acting over her, Bambi sees the folly of her ways and tells everyone the truth. The Sweathogs are very forgiving, probably because the last thing they were interested in, as far as Bambi was concerned, was what state she was from.

Back the apartment, Gabe wakes up Julie in the middle of the night to tell her about his Uncle Herbie. Julie rolls her eyes as Gabe talks about how his Aunt Estelle tried to trick Herbie into giving up alcohol and how it didn’t work.

I liked this episode more than I thought I would. My family moved around a lot when I was growing up so I could relate to how Bambi felt about having to always make a big first impression at every new school that she went to. Even if Marcia Strassman seemed to be annoyed by his very existence, Gabe Kaplan gave a good performance in this episode, especially in the scene where he confronted Bambi with the truth about her background. All in all, this was a pretty good episode.

Next week — Horshack gets promoted out of remedial classes!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.9 “Kunoichi”

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, McAllister and Max head to Washington, D.C.!

Episode 1.9 “Kunoichi”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on April 9th, 1984)

The 9th episode of The Master opens by showing us what Okasa (Sho Kosugi) has been doing since coming to America to track down and kill his former teacher, John Peter McAllister (Lee Van Cleef). Okasa has been training an apprentice of his own. The apprentice ninja is always seen while wearing a light gray ninja uniform, the better to keep the apprentice’s identity a secret until halfway through the episode.

Meanwhile, McAllister and Max (Tim Van Patten) are in Washington, D.C. As McAllister explains it, he was good friends with Brian Elkwood (Jack Kelly) when they both served in the Army together. During the Korean War, they were both held in the same POW camp and they escaped together. (This, of course, goes against McAllister’s previous backstory, which was that he left the Army after World War II and spent the next 40 years hidden away in Japan.) Elkwood is now an important advisor to the President. Apparently, Elkwood sent McAllister a letter informing him that a spy known as The Hawk was threatening his life so McAllister has come to Washington to protect him. (How exactly McAllister received a letter when he and Max are constantly driving around the country in search of McAllister’s daughter is not explained.)

At the Elkwood estate, Brian Elkwood tells his assistant, Allison Grant (Kelly Harmon), that he has been receiving letters from John Peter McAllister in which McAllister has threatened to kill him. Allison argues that McAllister has always been Elkwood’s friend but Elkwood says that people can change. Elkwood’s head of security, Ron Gordon (Rick Hill), is concerned not only about McAllister but also about uncovering the identity of The Hawk.

Or at least, that’s what Gordon claims. A few scenes later, we discover that Gordon actually is The Hawk and that he’s hired Okasa to assassinate Elkwood. Okasa is planning on framing McAllister for the assassination. The assassination will be carried about his apprentice, who we learn is close to Elkwood. The episode tries to build up a lot of suspense over who Okasa’s apprentice actually is but it’s actually pretty easy to figure out. Elkwood is not the apprentice because he’s the target. Gordon is the not apprentice because he’s the Hawk. There’s only one other guest star on this episode so obviously, the apprentice is Allison. Myself, I’m just confused as to when Okasa’s mission went from personally killing McAllister to framing him for murder.

Eventually, McAllister is able to convince Elkwood that he didn’t write the threatening letters but a sudden attack of Okasa’s apprentice leaves Elkwood hospitalized and McAllister arrested for attempted murder. Fortunately, Max is able to use his ninja training to help McAllister escape from jail and they manage to not only prevent the second attempt on Elkwood’s life but they also expose both Gordon and Allison as being enemies of the state. Yay!

This is one of those episodes where everyone, with the exception of Sho Kosugi, steps to the side and lets their stunt doubles do most of the work. There’s a lot of fights but they are all awkwardly choreographed and framed, probably in an attempt to keep the audience from noticing that Lee Van Cleef’s stunt person was notably thinner and more athletic than Lee was. As far as episodes of The Master are concerned, this was not a bad one but it still ultimately leaves the viewer feeling that it could have been so much better.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.11 “Cassidy Couch” and 5.12 “Brother From Another Mother”

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Despite the fact that the Neat Guys haven’t been neat for a while, it’s time to review two more episodes of City Guys!

Episode 5.11 “Cassidy Couch”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 20th, 2001)

Chris’s dad is investing in a play being written and directed by Derek Wagner, one of Broadway’s hottest directors! (Oh yeah, Chris is rich. It’s kind of funny how that aspect of Chris’s character kind of got pushed into the background.) Cassidy thinks that she would be perfect for the lead role of an innocent pilgrim girl. Chris offers to ask his dad to pull a few strings but Cassidy says that she wants to get the job based on nothing but her ability.

When Chris and Cassidy go to the auditions, Chris is surprised to see that Cassidy is dressed up like a pilgrim. Cassidy explains that you should always dress for the role you want. Chris spots another actress waiting to try out and says that apparently, she’s planning on auditioning to be a hooker. (Boooo! Way to be judgmental, Chris.) Cassidy sees that the actress is wearing a short skirt and a tank top and she throws a fit. “Excuse me!” Cassidy snaps, before demanding why the actress is dressed like me on a warm day. The actress informs Cassidy that the director only casts attractive women and that her pilgrim outfit isn’t going to get the job done. Cassidy rips off her pilgrim outfit and auditions in her pajamas.

(Personally, I’m more interested in whether or not Cassidy is a member of Equity because I doubt Broadway’s hottest director is going to be working on a non-union show.)

Cassidy does get a part in the show, though it’s not the starring role. When Chris takes Cassidy to her first rehearsal, he overhears Derek Wagner having an argument with the actress he did cast in the lead role. The actress tells Derek that he’s a pig and then she quits. Derek then goes into the rehearsal hall and, after Cassidy approaches him and thanks him for giving her a small role, he promotes Cassidy to the lead role!

Chris is worried that Derek is “going to put the moves” on Cassidy. Cassidy is offended at Chris’s suggestions that Derek wouldn’t just cast her for her talent. But then, one night at rehearsals, Derek does exactly what Chris said he would do. Cassidy quits the play. Determined to expose Derek for being a predator, Chris and Jamal invite him onto their radio show and Derek agrees. Why would Derek agree to go on a high school radio show? It’s because the show needs Derek to do something illogical so it can end the story without having to leave the roof of Manny High. If Derek had refused to appear on the show, Cassidy wouldn’t get a chance to confront in the booth and expose him to the handful of students who are actually dorky enough to listen to Chris and Jamal’s show.

This episode dealt with a real issue so let’s give it some credit. Unfortunately, all the credit in the world isn’t going to make up for concluding the episode with Derek getting exposed on a high school radio program. Derek is a Broadway director who is busy putting together his latest show. He’s not going to appear on the Manny High Morning Show and he’s certainly wasn’t going to appear on a show hosted by the boyfriend of the actress who he just sexually harassed and then fired. Not everything can be resolved on the roof of the school, City Guys!

Don’t even get me started on the B-plot, which featured L-Train getting psychic powers and having a premonition of Ms. Noble’s impending death. Jamal, Al, and Dawn were really worried that Ms. Noble would die because apparently, these high school seniors who are on the verge of graduating don’t have a life outside of obsessing on their principal. Fear not. Ms. Noble did not die. The most interesting thing about the B-plot was that Al and Dawn were dating, despite having broken up several episodes earlier. Again, it would appear that this episode was meant to air earlier in the season but NBC aired it later, continuity be damned.

Episode 5.12 “Brother From Another Mother”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 20th, 2001)

Here is the plot description of this episode, courtesy of Wikipedia:

There is a heat wave going through New York, Dawn convinces Ms. Noble to allow a small waiting pool on the roof of Manny High. Instead Al and Chris secretly set up a large swimming pool for the whole school to enjoy and relax. Ms. Noble later finds out about the pool when one of the many interruptions preventing her from having a peaceful lunch break is leaking water coming from the ceiling. She tells Al to get rid of the pool. Before he does this, Al attempts to conquer his fear of the pool and learn how to swim, but in the process he almost drowns. Ms. Noble comes in the nick of time to rescue him and decides to teach Al how to swim before she gets rid of the pool. Meanwhile, Jamal’s father and El-Train’s mother develop an attraction for each other while attending a parent-principal conference. They set up a date and have the time of their lives. Jamal freaks out and doesn’t know what to think of this blossoming relationship, the possibility of someone else being his mother, and the future of a new family. While El-Train is ecstatic that his mother is finding some happiness in her life and he is looking forward to a possible future of Jamal becoming his brother and Mr. Grant his father.

Wow, that sounds terrible! This kind of makes me glad that this episode is one of the many from season 5 that has not been uploaded to YouTube. How exactly could they put a large swimming pool on the roof with Ms. Noble noticing? And why does everything have to be on the roof? Wouldn’t it actually be hotter on the roof than it would be if they put the pool in the courtyard or something? Add to that, how many times could Jamal freak out over the possibility of his father dating someone. Grow up, Jamal!

Next week, this show will be two episodes closer to being over.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.22 “Love Me, Love My Dog/Poor Little Rich Girl/The Decision”

Posted on July 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time for Isaac’s heart to get broken, yet again!

Episode 2.22 “Love Me, Love My Dog/Poor Little Rich Girl/The Decision”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 24th, 1979)

Isaac has sworn off falling in love with passengers. As he explains it, he’s fallen in love with a movie star, a singer, a criminal, and a journalist and, every time, the romance ended as soon as the ship docked. Isaac is tired of getting his heart broken and, unlike Doc and Gopher, he doesn’t view romance as just being a game.

Still, as soon as Isaac spots Selena Moore (Debbie Allen) boarding the ship, he’s interested. He insists that he’s not going to act on his attraction but both Gopher and Doc tell him that it’s okay to just have some fun. And when Selena starts showing up at the bar and telling Isaac about her doubts about whether or not she wants to get married to her fiancé, Isaac decides to follow Gopher and Doc’s advice. He and Selena have a shipboard romance.

And, of course, Isaac falls in love. He said that he wouldn’t but he does because that’s just who Isaac is. Isaac is the most sincere character on the show. Gopher is goofy. Doc is a walking HR nightmare. Julie is practical. The Captain is stern. And Isaac is the one who impulsively falls in love, even though he knows he’s probably going to get hurt.

When Isaac trips and falls after one night of dancing, Doc jokingly declares that Isaac will never walk again. Selena runs away in tears. That really should have been a clue that she loved her fiancé more than she was letting on. When the ship finally returns home, Isaac can only watch as Selena greets her fiancé, who turns out to be an older man who uses a wheelchair. Isaac can only wipe away a tear and hand the roses that he got for Selena to a random passenger. It’s a bit sad, even though the outcome was predictable. Ted Lange and Debbie Allen both made the story work far better than one might expect it to.

And it’s a good thing that Lange and Allen worked so hard because the other two stories are nowhere near as strong.

One of the stories features Fannie Flagg as Alicia Finch, an eccentric woman who sneaks her terrier (played by Cricket) onto the boat. (Cricket gets her own credit, which is cute). Alice meets Mason Randolph (Gene Rayburn), a single man who also loves dogs! Unfortunately, Cricket starts yapping and biting whenever she sees Mason. It looks like Alicia and Mason will never be. However, when the boat docks, Mason’s dog is waiting for him. Even though Mason’s dog is quite a bit bigger than her, Cricket takes a liking to him. This story was extremely predictable and Gene Rayburn was a bit annoying as Mason. (Apparently, he was a game show host and he delivers almost all of his lines as if he’s waiting for the audience to applaud.) On the plus side, Cricket was really cute.

Finally, Suzanne Welles (Maren Jensen) is a waitress who has won the lottery but now that she’s rich, she’s not sure if auto mechanic Alan Harmon (Dennis Cole) really likes her or just wants her money. Alan is also the Captain’s mechanic and Stubing comes up with a plan that’s so stupid that it makes you wonder if he should really be in charge of cruise ship. Basically, Stubing tells Suzanne that she’s right about Alan and that he’s only after her for the money. Alan then says that the Captain is correct. Stubing thinks that if Suzanne’s suspicions are confirmed, she’ll be able to relax and fall in love with Alan without worrying about why he’s pursuing her and …. wait, what? How does that make any sense? Why would Suzanne continue to spend time with Alan after he tells her that he’s only interested in her for the money? I mean, the boat is full of single, handsome men. The plan is idiotic but somehow, it works! Everyone tells the captain that he’s a genius. Seriously, what a weird story. I mean, Isaac is pouring out his heart and getting hurt again and the Captain is busy encouraging his passengers to lie to each other.

The cruise was definitely mixed bag. The Ted Lange/Debbie Allen story was nicely done. Cricket was cute. Lauren Tewes got to wear a really pretty dress for the ship’s Mexican Fiesta Night and I loved the sparkly blue evening gown that Maren Jensen wore while having dinner at the Captain’s table. But the non-Isaac stories were, respectively, bland and incredibly dumb. I guess no vacation is perfect.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.4 “Baby/Marathon”

Posted on July 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode is saved by the one and only Herve Villechaize.

Episode 3.4 “Baby/Marathon”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on October 5th, 1979)

Fantasy Island is going to be hosting a marathon competition so Tattoo decides to greet Mr. Roarke while carrying a replica of the Olympic Torch.

Tattoo proceeds to light a huge flame in a cauldron. A group of Islanders start trying to splash water on the fire, leading to Tattoo yelling at them to leave the flame alone. Mr. Roarke, who appears to be even more disgusted than usual with Tattoo’s antics, barks at his assistant to put on his tuxedo and head down to the docks so that they can greet their guests.

Bunny Kelly (Barbi Benton), Gretchen Wasserman (Arlene Golanka), and Olaf Olafsen (Peter Isacksen) have all come to the Island so that Olaf can compete in the marathon and hopefully win enough money to keep their barbell factory open. (Don’t blame me, I didn’t write this script.) When Olaf is injured while trying to lift some weights, Bunny enters the marathon in his place! (At first, Bunny tries to disguise herself as Olaf but, when that doesn’t work, Mr. Roarke declares that Bunny can compete as herself.)

Can Bunny defeat the men who have shown up to run the marathon? Well, it won’t be easy. Bruno Glass (Bruce M. Fischer) is so evil that he often stops in the middle of the race so that he can laugh at everyone else’s misfortune. Helping out Bruno is his trainer, Dr. R.M. Funk (Dick Martin). Using techniques that would be more appropriate for a cartoon, Bruno sabotages the other racers. Somehow, Bruno is able to do this despite the fact that the entire race is being televised live to the world. Fear not! With the help of friendly competitor Eugene (Paul Petersen), Kitty makes it to the finish line. When both Kitty and Eugene sprain an ankle towards the finish line, they carry each other to a tied victory! The factory is saved and everyone falls in love!

As you have probably already guessed, the whole marathon was pretty stupid. There really didn’t seem to be any sort of set rules as to how the marathon would be run. Olaf and Gretchen grabbed a car and drove alongside Kitty for most of the race. Meanwhile, Dr. Funk was somehow able to commit numerous acts of open sabotage without anyone noticing. Because Dr. Funk and Bruno were so cartoonish, it made it difficult to take seriously the possibility that they might win. There was no suspense whatsoever, which made for a pretty boring fantasy.

I preferred the episode’s other story, in which Tattoo was placed in charge of finding a family to adopt an orphaned baby. At first, Tattoo wanted to adopt the baby himself but eventually, he realized that the child would be better off with Thomas (Joshua Gallegos) and Mary (BarBara Luna), two Islanders who already had a large family and who had more experience taking care of babies. There was nothing surprising about the story but seriously, Herve Villechaize’s portrayal of Tattoo’s dilemma was surprisingly touching. While Villechaize was notoriously difficult on the set of Fantasy Island, he also used his fame to speak out in support of abused and neglected children and he really seemed to be put his heart into this episode of Fantasy Island. When Tattoo said that he wanted to make sure the baby had the best and most loving home possible, one got the feeling that he was speaking for Villechaize as well.

So, this was yet another mixed episode of Fantasy Island. Ultimately, it was saved by the sincerity of Herve Villechaize.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.7 “Joint Venture” and 5.8 “Revolver, Problem Solver?”

Posted on July 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Silk gets a new job and he also gets a gun! It’s a wild time in Indiana with Hang Time!

Hang Time 5.7 “Joint Venture”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 30th, 1999)

Somehow, Silk and Eugene are the new managers of Deering’s hottest club, The Matrix!

Right away, this episode the makes the mistake of asking us to suspend our disbelief. I’ve accepted a lot of weird things when it comes to Hang Time, like the entire team spending Christmas in New York and Antonio somehow just moving from Texas to Indiana without his parents. But seriously, why would two high school students be hired to manage a club? And even if you could accept the idea of two high school students being given that type of responsibility, who in their right mind would hire Silk and Eugene? We haven’t seen anything on this show to indicate that either one of them comes across as being the sort of person who could handle that much responsibility.

The club is a big hit but Silk and Eugene are shocked to discover that someone is selling marijuana in the bathroom! Instead of shutting down the club (which is what the show suggests they should have done for some reason), Eugene and Silk call the cops and arrange for two undercover cops to come to the club and arrest the dealer. However, at the same time, Kristy and Mary Beth are trying to write an award-worthy story for the school newspaper and they decide to go undercover as well. Their plan is to buy marijuana from the dealer and then write a story about it.

Yep, who wouldn’t think they were stoners?

Anyway, as you probably already guessed, this leads to the undercover cops trying to arrest not just the dealer but also Mary Beth and Kristy. Michael and Julie see the cops grabbing their friends and, since they don’t know that they’re cops, a huge brawl breaks out. The club is wrecked! For some reason, the cops then call Coach K., who comes down and yells at everyone. Luckily, only the dealer goes to jail. Eugene and Silk lose their jobs, which they never should have had in the first place.

This is the type of episode that I hate, where every single problem could have been solved by everyone not being an absolute idiot. Let’s move on.

Hang Time 5.8 “Revolver, Problem Solver?”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on November 6th, 1999)

Silk’s father is a cop! That seems like the sort of thing that would have been helpful during the previous episode. Anyway, this guy who was arrested by Silk’s father starts threatening Silk. The guy carries a knife and tries to stab Silk at school. Seeing as how that’s attempted murder and the attack was witnessed by Silk’s friends, it seems like it would have been pretty easy for Silk to call the cops and get the guy sent to prison for a decade. Instead, Silk decides to handle things himself by getting a gun.

Yes, really.

Meanwhile, the team needs to raise money so Mary Beth arranges a car wash. Coach K’s car ends up getting flooded with water after the team washes it without rolling up the windows. How dumb are these people? Anyway, the guy who wants to kill Silk shows up at the car wash with his knife. Silk pulls out his gun but the bad guy easily grabs it away from him. In the ensuing struggle, a shot is fired. A window shatters. Mary Beth nearly gets shot. The bad guy gets arrested and Silk get cited for having an illegal gun.

Remember when Coach K made everyone sign that contract not to do anything dangerous during the season? Under the terms of that contact, Silk should have been cut from the team. I mean, Eugene nearly got kicked off the team for wanting to ride a skateboard. Meanwhile, Silk is putting everyone’s lives in danger. But Coach K is a big old hypocrite and Silk is allowed to keep playing basketball for Deering High.

I will compliment this episode, though. For a teen sitcom that was produced by Peter Engel, the fight scene between Silk and the knife guy was surprisingly well-choreographed and filmed. As well, this is the first episode to really allow Danso Gordon to do some acting as opposed to just standing in the background and Gordon does a pretty good job with the role, even if Silk’s action don’t always seem realistic. This was another episode where almost everything that happened was the result of people not having any common sense. It had a good message about being safe and careful with guns but it was still frustrating to watch.

Next week, Kristy hangs out with a goth and Michael discovers that some people are racist. Indiana’s a crazy place.

Retro Television Reviews: Under the Influence (Dir by Thomas Carter)

Posted on July 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1986’s Under the Influence! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Noah Talbot (Andy Griffith) is an upstanding member of the community. He owns a hardware store. He has a large family. He’s known as a gruff but folky storyteller. He’s a deacon in his church and helps to collect the offering every Sunday.

He’s also a drunk and a bit of a bully. His family walks on eggshells around him, fearful of setting him off on one of his benders. He occasionally spends the night in jail, arrested for trying to drive drunk. Even when he gets bailed out, his first instinct is to go back to the bar. The folks at the bar love him, don’t you know. The people at the bar are always happy to see him and never bother him about whether he’s had too much. The people at the bar never let him down the way that he feels his family has left him down.

The members of his family each cope in their own individual way. Noah’s wife (Joyce Van Patten) is in denial and spends a lot of her time popping pills. His oldest daughter, Ann (Season Hubley), is driven to succeed at work and spends all of her time both hating her father and desperately hoping for his approval. (When she tells him that she got a raise at work, he berates her for only getting a 6% increase in her salary. “That’s just a cost of living increase!” he snaps at her.) His eldest son, Stephen (Paul Provenza), fled to Los Angeles and is trying to make a career as stand-up comedian. (“You’re no David Letterman,” Noah tells him.) His youngest daughter, Terri (Dana Anderson), secretly replaces Noah’s liquor with water and food-coloring. And his youngest son, Eddie (Keanu Reeves), is becoming an alcoholic himself.

Having read all that, you may be wondering just how exactly Keanu Reeves could be the son of Andy Griffith and it’s a fair question. This was one Keanu Reeves’s first acting roles and he does a pretty good job in the role of Eddie. That said, he looks so totally different from both Andy Griffith and Joyce Van Patten and the actors playing his siblings that I was half-expecting someone to mention that Eddie had been adopted. Then again, Paul Provenza doesn’t really bear much of a resemblance to the actors playing his parents either. Dana Anderson and Season Hubley do, at least, look like sisters.

Lack of family-resemblance aside, all of the actors in Under the Influence do a good job of inhabiting their characters. For those who are used to seeing Andy Griffith playing friendly Southerners in reruns of The Andy Griffith Show and Matlock, it’s shocking and a little disturbing to see him playing an abusive, alcoholic jerk in Under the Influence. Noah is someone who would not only destroy his own family to get a drink but who would then blame them for it happening in the first place. Noah may be under the influence of alcohol but the entire family is suffering because they’re under the influence of Noah. By the time Noah is spitting up blood and demanding that his youngest son sneak liquor into his hospital room, the viewer knows there is no hope for Noah but hopefully, his family will escape.

It doesn’t make for a particularly happy movie but, speaking as someone who grew up in an alcoholic household, I can attest that it does make for an honest portrayal of what addiction does not just to the addict but also to the people around the addict. I cringed in sympathy through nearly the entire film, especially as I watched three of the four children react in the same ways that I did. (Unlike Eddie, I never became much of a drinker and instead developed an aversion to alcohol in general.) It’s a film that feels real and one’s heart aches for the entire family. If it could happen to Andy Griffith, it could happen to anyone.