Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.4 “Message In A Bottle”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

Save me!

Episode 1.4 “Message In A Bottle”

(Dir by Kim Manners, originally aired on October 20th, 1989)

Hobie’s such a dumbass.

For the second time in like four episodes (and that’s not counting the pilot), the entire Baywatch team is mobilized to search for him after he goes missing.  This time, Hobie overhears Mitch and his ex-wife arguing over who should have custody of him so Hobie and two of his stupid little friends head off to an island that’s also being used by a couple of murderous modern-day pirates.

Seriously, Hobie — stuff like this isn’t going to look good when Craig is in court and trying to argue that you should stay in California with your Dad.  So far, Hobie has nearly been killed by a collapsing pier, he’s ended up getting chased by a murderer on a jet ski and, in this episode, he’s menaced by two other murderers.  It’s time to send Hobie to Indiana or some place else where there’s no ocean.

In other news, Shauni accidentally drives over Eddie’s foot so Mitch orders them to work the 24-hour shift together so that they can learn how to work as a team.  Truth be told, Eddie is  a bit of whiny punk and he definitely needs to learn how to work with other people.  That said, I think Mitch is overlo0king the fact that Shauni, a trained lifeguard, drove over someone’s foot.  (Shauni was apparently backing out and didn’t realize Eddie was behind her, which is even worse.)  Mitch finds the whole thing to be amusing and, later, Shauni has a good laugh when she nearly runs over Eddie a second time.  I don’t think any of these people should be anywhere near anyone who needs help.  Sometimes, people really should just stand in the darkness.

This episode was supposed to make me appreciate the efforts of the Baywatch lifeguards to protect the beach and to find missing kids like Hobie.  Instead, it just made everyone look incompetent and irresponsible.  Halfway through this episode, I wanted someone to get attacked by a shark.  It hasn’t happened yet but at least the show has given me something to which to look forward.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Freddy’s Nightmares 1.15 “School Daze”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares, a horror anthology show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The entire series can be found on Tubi!

Earlier today, Robert Englund received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!  Let’s get this episode of Freddy’s Nightmares out of the way so that we can celebrate!

Episode 1.15 “School Daze”

(Dir by Michael Klein, originally aired on February 12th, 1989)

Stupid episode this week.

Two high school friends worry about their future.  One of them hallucinates all of the adult authority figures in his life trying to brainwash him.  The other keeps having visions of how much his life is going to suck if he doesn’t get a good score on his SATs.  The premise really isn’t that bad but, as so often with Freddy’s Nightmares, it appears that the writers didn’t really dig into it.  Instead, they just wrote a very shallow episode in which both stories relied on the same overused twist that seems to show up in every episode.  Hey, it was all just a dream!  The biggest compliment that I can give this episode is that the second story did manage to capture some of the anxiety that comes along with college testing.  Some teachers really do overboard with that whole “This will determine the rest of your life” spiel.  Seriously, blow off the tests, go to a party school, and make friends with someone has money.  That’s really all you have to do.

Instead of fixating on a bad episode of Freddy’s Nightmares, let’s watch Robert Englund get his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  This happened earlier today and, by most accounts, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.  Robert Englund is living proof that you don’t have to a bad guy to play a monster.  Congratulations, Mr. Englund!

The Dodgers Win Game 6!


It’s a Halloween miracle!

My prayer to the Great Pumpkin paid off and the Dodgers just won Game 6 of the World Series, 3-1!  The Series is now tied and whoever win tomorrow’s game will win the championship!  As much as I don’t like the Blue Jays and even though the Dodgers are not my team, those two teams have really give us a great World Series so far!

It all comes down to Game 7, tomorrow night.  GO DODGERS!

And never doubt the power of the Great Pumpkin!

Horror On TV: Highway to Heaven 2.5 “The Devil and Jonathan Smith” (dir by Michael Landon)


On this, the final day of our annual Horrorthon, we offer you a final Horror on TV entry.

In this episode of Highway to Heaven, angel Jonathan Smith (Michael Landon) tries to defeat the devil for the soul of his friend Mark (Victor French).  This episode, a true Halloween episode, originally aired on October 30th, 1985, and it features guest turns from Anthony Zerbe and the great Michael Berryman.

We hope you have had a happy Halloween!

A Scene That I Love For Halloween: The Rules of Trick-Or-Treating From Curb Your Enthusiasm


We did not get many trick-or-treaters tonight but the ones that did show up were all wearing costumes and were all age-appropriate.  When it comes to giving out candy, I follow the rules set out by Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Remember: no costumes = no candy!

Doctor Who — The Leisure Hive, Meglos, Full Circle, State of Decay, Warrior’s Gate, The Keeper of Traken, Logopolis


The 18th season of Doctor Who started with the show getting a new producer, John Nathan-Turner.  Depending on who you ask, Nathan-Turner was either the best or the worst thing that ever happened to Doctor Who.  He pushed the series away from what he felt was the “silliness” of the previous season and, in doing so, he alienated both Tom Baker and Lalla Ward.  (Ward was close friends with Douglas Adams, whom Nathan-Turner blamed for turning the show silly.)  Nathan-Turner pushed for more serious stories and for better production values.  He also hated K-9, which upset a lot of younger viewers.  My personal feeling is that Nathan-Turner was not a good producer for Tom Baker’s Doctor but he was a great producer for Peter Davison’s interpretation of the character.  As for the Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoy years, let’s keep things cheery and not go there.

By the end of the 18th season, Tom Baker, Lalla Ward, and John Leeson (the voice of K-9) had left the show.  Completing my look back at Doctor Who, here are Tom Baker’s final serials.

The Leisure Hive (1980, directed by Lovett Bickford)

John Nathan-Turner hated K-9.  If there was any doubt about that, consider that his first serial as the show’s producer opens with the Doctor and Romana on holiday Brighton.  K-9, for some reason, rolls out to the ocean and explodes, taking him out of commission until the Doctor can rebuild him.

Personally, I would have been happy if this entire serial had just been Tom Baker and Lalla Ward on that beach in Brighton.  Nathan-Turner may not have been a fan of the Doctor and Romana working together by Baker and Ward but viewers like me definitely disagreed.  Alas, it is not to be.  Romana wants a real holiday (Brighton, in a reminder of just how British Doctor Who really was, doesn’t count) so she and the Doctor and the remains of K-9 go to the leisure planet of Argolis.  Unfortunately, Argolis is having financial problems and is at risk of being taken over by the Foamai.  When the Doctor is framed for a strangulation murder that was committed with a scarf, he is forced to stand trial and become an experimental test subject.

It’s an okay start for Season 18, though Tom Baker, for the first time since taking over the role of the Doctor, was starting to look disinterested.  John Nathan-Turner was eager to get away from the “silliness” of the previous season but, ironically, a story set on a leisure planet and featuring an intergalactic crime syndicate would have very much benefitted by Douglas Adams’s sense of humor.

Meglos (1980, directed by Terence Dudley)

The Doctor is asked to help broker a peace between two warring planets.  Unfortunately, Meglos — a sentient cactus — traps the TARDIS in a time loop and then plots to thwart the peace.

When viewers think of this serial, they usually remember Meglos taking on the form of the Doctor and Tom Baker wearing makeup that made him look like a humanoid cactus.  That’s because the plot is nothing special, though I do appreciate that we finally got to see what it’s like to be stuck in a time loop.  Jacqueline Hill, who played Barbara when the serial first began, appears as Lexa, a high priestess of the planet Tigella.

Full Circle (1980, directed by Peter Grimwade)

Having been ordered to return Romana to Gallifrey, the Doctor instead materializes on a swampy plant that is located where Gallifrey should be.  The TARDIS has slipped into E-Space, a small pocket universe.  As for the planet that they’ve landed on, it’s inhabited by swamp monsters, a group a humans who live around a crashed starliner, and a mad scientist.

The idea of E-Space was an interesting one and Lalla Ward gives one of her strongest performances of the series, as Romana is briefly possessed in this episode.  Unfortunately, this episode also introduced Adric (Matthew Waterhouse), an annoying child genius who became the Doctor’s newest companion.  Adric was one of the least popular of John Nathan-Turner’s additions to Doctor Who.  A few seasons later, Adric would be blown up while fighting the Cybermen and there would not be a dry eye in the house.

Tom Baker, unhappy with Nathan-Turner’s ideas and annoyed with Waterhouse decided to leave the role while filming this serial.  Waterhouse reportedly cursed at Baker while filming one scene.  They should have left the little punk behind just for doing that.

State of Decay (1980, directed by Peter Moffatt)

Still trapped in E-Space, The TARDIS materializes on a planet where the villagers live under the shadow of a dark tower. Ruled over by three cruel lords, Zargo, Camilla, and Aukon, the villagers are forced to regularly sacrifice their young to appease their rulers. The Doctor, Romana, K-9, and Adric investigate and discover that Zargo, Camilla, and Aukon are vampires! After being defeated by the Time Lords, the vampires retreated into E-Space, where they found a new planet to rule. Of course, that little tosser Adric wants to become a vampire. Why Romana and the Doctor didn’t leave Adric behind on the vampire planet, I’ll never understand.

Even the weaker seasons of Doctor Who usually featured at least one classic serial and, in the case of Season 18, it was State of Decay.  For all of the justified criticisms of John Nathan-Turner time as producer, he did make an attempt to improve the show’s production design and it paid off with this atmospheric serial that paid homage to the great vampire films while also retaining its Doctor Who identity.  Tom Baker seems to be rejuvenated by the clever script and he and Lalla Ward’s chemistry is allowed to shine.  K-9 even gets to do something other than getting kicked around.  State of Decay is a Doctor Who classic.

Warrior’s Gate (1981, directed by Paul Joyce and Graeme Haper)

Still trying to escape E-space, the TARDIS materializes on a similarly trapped spaceship that is run by Captain Rorvik (Clifford Rose).  Learning that the ship is carrying an enslaved race known as the Tharils, the Doctor set them free.  The Tharils help the Doctor reenter N-Space.  However, Romana decides to stay behind to help the Tharils.  The Doctor gives her K-9 and then leaves with Adric.  The Doctor should have left Adric behind too.

This was Lalla Ward’s final episode and both she and Romana deserved a better send-off.  Romana deciding to disobey the Time Lords, I can understand.  Leaving the Doctor, even to help the Tharils, doesn’t seem like something Romana would have done.  John Nathan-Turner finally got his wish, though.  K-9 stayed with Romana.  What are Romana and K-9 going to do in an alternative universe?  They don’t even have a TARDIS.

The only highlight of this episode was Clifford Rose’s manic performance as Captain Rorvik.  Otherwise, it was a forgettable send-off for two great companions.

The Keeper of Traken (1981, directed by John Black)

The Doctor and annoying Adric are summoned to the planet Traken, where the Master (Geoffrey Beevers) is attempting to capture a power source that will give him a new set of regenerations.  (The Master doesn’t look as badly decayed here as he did during The Deadly Assassin.)  With the help of the Keeper of Traken, Tremas (Anthony Ainley), and Tremas’s lovely daughter Nyssa (Sarah Sutton), the Doctor is able to stop the Master.  However, as soon as the Doctor leaves, the Master emerges from a long clock and somehow merges with Tremas’s body, giving him a new set of regenerations.

Despite the presence of Adric, this is not a bad story.  The Master makes his return and, in the final minutes of the serial, Anthony Ainley takes over the role.  Ainley would play The Master for the rest of the original show’s run.  While Ainley’s Master was always more cartoonishly evil than Roger Delgado’s, he still proved to be a worthy adversary for the Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh Doctors.

Logopolis (1981, directed by Peter Grimwade)

This is it.  This is final serial to feature Tom Baker as the Doctor.  Things start with the Doctor materializing the Tardis around an actual police box in an effort to fix his chameleon circuit.  The Master then materializes his TARDIS around the Doctor’s.  It all fun and games until the universe starts to unravel and the Doctor sacrifices his life while literally holding space and time together.  Along the way, the Doctor gets two new companions, Nyssa (who has been traveling with the Master under the impression that he’s her father) and Teagan (Janet Fielding), an outspoken Australian flight attendant who entered the TARDIS thinking that it was a police call box.

Whatever else you might want to say about season 18, it gave Tom Baker a fitting send-off.  After seven years of saving civilizations and planets, the Fourth Doctor finally saved the entire universe.  Perhaps knowing how traumatized viewers would be to see the Fourth Doctor die, this episode featured Peter Davison (familiar to viewers as Tristan Sebring from All Creatures Great And Small) as the Watcher, a mysterious figure who merged with the Doctor at the end of the serial and turned out to be his Fifth Incarnation.

I had hoped to discuss some of the Fifth Doctor’s adventures this October but time has caught up with me.  (It’s a pity because Peter Davison more than made the role of the Doctor his own and several of his serials — Kinda, Snakedance, and Enlightenment to name just three — are worthy of being considered classics.)  For me, as someone who to watch Tom Baker’s Doctor on PBS while growing up, this does seem like the right place to stop.

For now.

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 2.22 “Hello, Goodbye”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!

This week, season two comes to an end.

Episode 2.22 “Hello, Goodbye”

(Dir by Linda Day, originally aired on May 16th, 1984)

Due to St. Eligius being structurally unsound, the first floor is temporarily closed.  The ER, which was the busiest part of the hospital, is no longer operative and Shirley Daniels is assigned to redirect any and all ambulances to Boston General.  As Joan explains it, either the first or the third floor had to be closed so that a team of engineers could strengthen the building.  The third floor is surgery, where all the money is made.  And so, it’s the ER that closes.  Joan, meanwhile, is designated as the scapegoat for all of the recent problems at St. Eligius.  She loses her job with the mayor’s office.

Fresh from interviewing a nervous Dr. Elliott Axelrod (Stephen Furst) for a position as a resident, Dr. Auschlander collapses.  Dr. Westphall fears that his old friend is going to die but finally, Auschlander wakes up and says that he’s not done fighting yet.  Neither is St. Eligius.

Luther finds a stuffed Cheshire cat for a young heart patient.  Dr. Craig finally starts to forgive his drug addict son, Stephen (Scott Paulin).  And Dr. Morrison takes his son on a walking tour of Boston and meets a college student named Clancy (a young Helen Hunt).  Even though Clancy label Morrison a “boomer,” she still spends the night with him.  Morrison finally takes off his wedding ring and appears ready to try to move on with his life.

The second season ends on a melancholy note.  Apparently, the show’s producers weren’t sure whether or not St. Elsewhere was going to be renewed for a third season and this episode was designed to work as both a season and a series finale.  Very few of the regular characters appear and the episode is dominated by Westphall and Morrison, both of whom tend to be rather somber.  In other words, this is a depressing episode but it’s not an episode without hope.  Auschlander does wake up.  Morrison does pursue a tentative relationship with Clancy.  Even with the hospital temporarily shut down, life goes on.  Unlike Wendy Armstrong, nobody gives up.  It’s sad but at least there’s a chance that things could get better.

Both this episode and the second season overall were a roller coaster, deftly mixing drama and comedy and giving the show’s ensemble cast a chance to shine.  Next week, we start season three!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 4.20 “Aloha”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Mark is a disappointed again.

Episode 4.20 “Aloha”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 2nd, 1988)

Jonathan gets Mark all excited by saying that their next assignment is a Hawaiian mission.  Mark says, “We’re going to Hawaii!”  He’s looking forward to it and who can blame him?  After a countless number of assignments that found him working in crummy jobs and depressing neighborhoods, Mark thinks that he’s going to be most beautiful place on Earth.

Nope, sorry, Mark.  You’re going to a rundown apartment complex called the Hawaiian Sands.  The complex is managed by Aulani (Mokihana), a singer who found fame in Hawaii but not in Los Angeles.  Instead, in L.A., she was hit by a truck and left in a wheelchair.  Now, she spends her days bitter, constantly yelling at her handyman and former partner, Alvin (Danny Ing).  Alvin loves Aulani and Aulani loves Alvin but she’s too angry and scared of opening up emotionally to admit it.  When Alvin learns that he doesn’t have much longer to live, he plans to return to Hawaii.  Aulani refuses to admit that she cares.  Luckily, her new tenant Jonathan is there to set her straight.

As I’ve often said, the main strength of this show was its nonstop earnestness.  Even at its most sentimental, it still worked because the show was just so dang sincere.  That’s ultimately the case here.  Danny Ing gives a very touching performance as Alvin.  Your heart breaks for him.  Mokihana overacts in the role Aulani, to the extent that she actually becomes pretty annoying.  But, despite that, the show itself was so sincere and well-intentioned that it was impossible not be touched by the end of this episode.

Add to that, Hawaii — there’s no place more beautiful to visit.  I wonder what Halloween is like in Hawaii.  Maybe I’ll find out next year!

Great Moments In Television History #41: Christopher Lee Introduces Meat Loaf


On March 25th, 1978, the host of Saturday Night Live was horror actor Christopher Lee.  The musical guest was Meat Loaf.  It led to one of the best introductions in the history of the show, even if Meat Loaf himself was reportedly not amused by it.

Previous Moments In Television History:

  1. Planet of the Apes The TV Series
  2. Lonely Water
  3. Ghostwatch Traumatizes The UK
  4. Frasier Meets The Candidate
  5. The Autons Terrify The UK
  6. Freedom’s Last Stand
  7. Bing Crosby and David Bowie Share A Duet
  8. Apaches Traumatizes the UK
  9. Doctor Who Begins Its 100th Serial
  10. First Night 2013 With Jamie Kennedy
  11. Elvis Sings With Sinatra
  12. NBC Airs Their First Football Game
  13. The A-Team Premieres
  14. The Birth of Dr. Johnny Fever
  15. The Second NFL Pro Bowl Is Broadcast
  16. Maude Flanders Gets Hit By A T-Shirt Cannon
  17. Charles Rocket Nearly Ends SNL
  18. Frank Sinatra Wins An Oscar
  19. CHiPs Skates With The Stars
  20. Eisenhower In Color
  21. The Origin of Spider-Man
  22. Steve Martin’s Saturday Night Live Holiday Wish List
  23. Barnabas Collins Is Freed From His Coffin
  24. Siskel and Ebert Recommend Horror Films
  25. Vincent Price Meets The Muppets
  26. Siskel and Ebert Discuss Horror
  27. The Final Scene of Dark Shadows
  28. The WKRP Turkey Drop
  29. Barney Pops On National TV
  30. The Greatest American Hero Premieres
  31. Rodney Dangerfield On The Tonight Show
  32. The Doors Are Open
  33. The Thighmaster Commercial Premieres
  34. The Hosts of Real People Say “Get High On Yourself”
  35. The 33rd NFL Championship Game Is Broadcast In Color
  36. The Sopranos Premieres on HBO
  37. Eisenhower Hosts The First Televised Press Conference
  38. The Twilight Zone Premieres On CBS
  39. The Wolverines
  40. Johnny Carson Talks To Vincent Price

Where Have All The Halloween Specials Gone?


Is it just me or was there a stunning lack of Halloween specials this year?  This is the first time in 12 years that Toy Story of Terror wasn’t aired on television.  And, of course, It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown has been an Apple TV exclusive for a while now.

It’s hard to explain why it bothers me so much.  Maybe I just don’t like change.  I know that all of the old Halloween specials that I enjoyed when I was younger can still be found streaming online.  I can watch them anytime that I want.  That’s not the point.  When I was growing up, there was something really special about gathering in front of the television with my family to watch those specials, even though I had seen all of them before.  They were an event.  They were something to look forward to.  The waiting and the knowing that everyone across the country would all be watching at the same time was part of what made them so special.  Now that you can just watch them whenever you want, it doesn’t feel as special.  There’s no anticipation.  There’s no thrill of the moment when it finally starts.  Worst of all, there’s no communal experience.  I could watch It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown in November if I wanted to.  I can watch A Charlie Brown Christmas Special in July.

I never thought I’d be sad over something like Toy Story of Terror not airing on television.  (This year, we watched it on Disney+.)  I am, though.  The world has become a little less fun and we no longer have something that used to bring the people together as a community.  I feel bad for a generation that’s never going to know the excitement of having to wait to see or get something instead of getting instant and empty gratification.  I worry that people don’t care as much about holidays and traditions anymore.  That’s a shame.

At least I’ll always have my holiday memories.