Film Review: Monster High (1989, dir. Rudy Poe)

Posted on September 18, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Since I want to watch and review all those animated movies that have come out in the last 5 years or so called Monster High, I thought I needed to watch this. Dear God, I hope they have nothing to do with each other. So let’s talk about this Monster High that is totally not supposed to resemble Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986) in anyway.

It begins by giving us a warning:

“WARNING
Some scenes may be considered objectionable by sensitive viewers, dead people and farm animals. On the other hand, if you like that sort of thing…”

I’ve sat through Salo, among other things, so I wouldn’t say I’m a sensitive viewer. I’m dead inside, but I don’t think that counts. I’m definitely not a farm animal even though I guess I can be milked. That’s the kind of jokes to expect in this movie. It’s 80’s lowbrow shlock. So what’s next movie?

“Picture in your mind the farthest point in the universe. Our story begins just a couple of blocks past that.”

This is a lot of build up for a movie that’s just a series of bad jokes with monsters in a high school. Now we are introduced to a guy with the longest name and title I think I have ever seen in a movie.

He notices that for some reason the destruction of Earth has been postponed. Apparently, Mr. Armageddon is to blame. So the Monster In Charge orders a report on the last 24 hrs of Mr. Armageddon’s existence. Why? I can only guess because they thought the movie wasn’t annoying enough without one, so we need a narrator. The Monster In Charge puts a CD that looks like a GameCube disc into his computer and starts to watch the video report. We meet Dume and Glume who have stolen the “ultimate weapon”. Unfortunately, they don’t get far. The box drops on and kills a dog (Shicksah Anne Spear) in front of a high school.

And yes, that is the actual name of the dog in real life. I love when a movie credits something that isn’t human so it ends up in IMDb as an actor. The dog is just continuing in the fine tradition of it’s predecessor’s such as the chicken named Friendly in Supercock (1975).

The doomsday weapon turns out to be a basketball. This happens at exactly the same time when Mr. Armageddon is woken up by his alarm clock. Oh, and if you think that means there is going to be a 25 minute long sequence where the kids play basketball with Mr. Armageddon and some monsters for the fate of the world, then you’re sadly correct.

Yeah, that clock is probably the only actual funny thing in the movie. So, of course Mr. Armageddon comes to the school and puts Dume and Glume on ice. Then he goes over to a statue and turns it into a “horny rubber monster”. Think that’s the only condom joke in this movie? Of course not!

Now the mayhem begins. Mr. Armageddon has some weird priorities in who he kills. First he offs one of the Cheerleaders/Pep Club members, which makes sense for a horror movie. But before he gets to the second one, he finds Todd Uppington Smythe AKA Dickhead to his friends and uses a “Can O’ Condom” on him.

But he gets it off and I guess he’s the one who becomes a zombie as a result? I’m not sure. Then another cheerleader dies. Well, now Mr. Armageddon needs to get some allies. Oh, and Dume and Glume woke up during this time. He makes a mummy come alive. He creates a monster with a computer monitor for a head. He starts growing a killer weed. And since it’s random in the movie, there’s this guy who keeps appearing to wake up from a nightmare, but it’s just reality again.

Need another low brow joke? Now we are informed by our useless narrator that Dume and Glume’s ineptness can be illustrated by the fact that they were once a “third-rate song-and-dance act.” Let’s hear those lyrics!

“You got your penis and your prostate and your ovaries.
You got your fimbriae and your scrotum sac.
And if your hymen is gone it ain’t coming back.”

Truly the Lennon and McCartney of their world. Wait, why am I describing this garbage? Here’s the highlights.

The monster that comes out of a guy’s shoe after that’s all that is left of him.

The advanced sex ed classroom. No joke, that’s what they call it.

Because this was 1989. Do I have to spell out what this is from?

When you do weed. A literal giant weed will come and drag you away.

Now the surviving kids strike a deal with Mr. Armageddon to play a game of basketball to postpone the destruction of Earth by 1,000 years. Yeah, it’s as dumb as you think it is.

Pretty sad looking team, huh? Not as sad as their cheering section.

Mr. Armageddon is winning the game because his computer player is an excellent shot. So the kids figure out a way to reprogram him. To do that, they need to fight a zombie. Once that’s done, the humans win the game. Oh, but only after a scene of the winning shot where the ball dances around the rim. This must go on for a minute and a half or more. it’s really stupid.

Then Mr. Armageddon and the monsters are sent away. That’s it! That’s really it. It’s basically a poor man’s version of Class of Nuke ‘Em High. A bevy of sex jokes with some actual bare breasts. Poor attempts to make fun of movie cliches. In particular, making fun of horror movies. I like a good piece of 80’s garbage as much as the next person, but this is just lousy. I can’t recommend it.

Film Review: Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills (1997, dir. Philippe Mora)

Posted on September 16, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut. Back when I reviewed Safari 3000 (1982), I mentioned this film exists. I got it from Netflix and finally buckled down to watch it. I think I may have found the Tromaville version of The Holy Mountain.

No, not the German mountain film with Leni Riefenstahl. I mean this The Holy Mountain.

Yes, that is The Holy Mountain I’m referring to. And yes, that is The Hall Of 1,000 Testicles. But when you don’t have the budget to make something that bat shit insane and it’s the 1990’s, then maybe you end up with something like Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills. The movie begins by showing us what Beverly Hills looked like two million years ago. And wouldn’t you know it? It looks just like the movie Planet of Dinosaurs (1977).

Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills

Planet of Dinosaurs

Then we cut to modern day. But don’t worry, because the stock footage from Planet of Dinosaurs is seen again several times. That’s one of the meta jokes in this movie that the stock footage keeps getting in the way or is used as someone’s dreams. Well, two guys are doing a dig in the area when Salvador Dali shows up. No joke, that’s his name.

Salvador Dali

He does the angry native bit, but has some magic to back it up. He turns one guy into a lizard and curses the other guy’s wife to become a Pterodactyl. That wife is played by none other than Beverly D’Angelo. And boy does she just go all out in this movie. I could stop writing right now and just show a serious of screenshots of her throughout the movie. But let’s talk a little bit about it.

You young ones might not no, but back in the 1990’s, this is how we were taught about sex in the United States. That, or this is a Troma film so of course there is cock and dick humor. I’m not trying to be nasty, her husband is named Dick and they make penis jokes in this movie beyond that screenshot. In no time, D’Angelo starts acting weird.

Yeah, just go ahead and swallow that whole thing there Beverly. People won’t remember the pictures of dicks you were pointing at only a few minutes before. They’ll just think you are swallowing a fish while Dame Edna points at you.

Now D’Angelo turns into a Pterodactyl at night and acts weird the rest of the time. After a particularly hilarious sex scene where her husband screws her as a Pterodactyl because it’s a Troma film, we then see her in all her glory.

Well, there goes the neighborhood. Now the family, friends, and neighbors have to come to grips with her being a Pterodactyl. Some of the neighbors get together for a meeting and this is actually a weird scene. Not because of anything they are saying, but because it keeps cutting to the back of them for some reason. Made me think of those long lingering shots of nature in A Talking Cat!?! (2013).

And that’s not the only bizarre thing happening with the cinematography. There are frequent uses of a fish eye lens on the camera.

I’m guessing just to remind us how weird everything is. I didn’t need that to remind me I was tripping balls because shots like this did it just fine.

This movie moves pretty quick so that sex scene earlier means she’s pregnant. But before she has the kid, I’m guessing they felt the need to poke fun at David Lynch? That’s my best explanation for this strange sequence in which D’Angelo is slipped a “blue mickey”, dances around, then CGI’s into a Pterodactyl.

Once that baby comes, then the film winds down pretty quick.

The husband remembers now how all this happened and takes the family to the desert to find Salvador Dali again. This scene is loaded with stock footage, self referential jokes, lot’s of fish eye lens, and plenty of D’Angelo acting nutty. Salvador Dali even talks to the stock footage at one point calling it stock footage and telling it to go away. The Dali cures her and that’s the end.

I did leave some stuff out, but it doesn’t matter. You don’t need the play by play. It’s a bunch of stuff that is wacko. It does seem to want to have a bit of a message of acceptance. But mostly, I think it’s Troma Productions Lloyd Kaufman 101. Think up the most ludicrous, freakish, and outlandish stuff you can, figure out a way to string it together, then film it. I mean even The Battle Of Love’s Return (1971) basically followed that formula, and I believe that was Kaufman’s first Troma film. This one was done by Philippe Mora. Whereas the collection of incredibly fantastic scenes in The Holy Mountain somehow gel. In this film’s case, I think it’s a mess. I really can’t recommend sitting through this.

But I guess it was worth it for me. Gives me a good excuse to revisit The Holy Mountain.

Val’s Movie Roundup #25: Hallmark Edition

Posted on September 15, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

A Wish Come True (2015) – If Pete’s Christmas (2013) is Hallmark’s Groundhog Day (1993), then A Wish Come True is kind of their Big (1988). The movie is about a girl named Lindsay Corwin (Megan Park). For a a good chunk of the beginning of this film she looks like a teenager. The opening scene may even be of her as a teenager. I’m not sure because the next thing I knew, she was about to turn 30, but looked the same. And this picture later of her supposedly at 18 sure didn’t help.

Each birthday she makes a wish, and each time it doesn’t come true. Until her thirtieth birthday, when they all come true at once. Just like Big, this catapults her far beyond where she is supposed to be at her age. Promotion, big house, etc. She even receives a toy house that I’m pretty sure Celine and Julie were once trapped in (pretentious cinema snob joke).

As is almost always the case, there is a romantic interest. The movie is one of the average ones of this sort. You really can’t spoil it because of the nature of a Hallmark movie, but I will say it doesn’t quite end like Big. Same sort of result, but a little different. This one is worth seeing. Just remember she’s actually supposed to be 30 even during the scenes where she has glasses and her hair up. Trust me!

Love By The Book (2014) – You see that picture of the girl (Leah Renee) in the poster. She doesn’t look like that in the movie. That poster makes her look like she could be believable as a smart, kind, business woman with a passion for books. This is closer to the way she looks in the movie.

Even that isn’t completely accurate. I apologize for the lack of a proper screenshot, but you’ll have to take my word for it. She’s the girl you cast for the stuck up high school cheerleading bitch. This is a David S. Cass Sr. movie and just like Class (2010), Keeping Up The Randalls (2011), and Uncorked (2009), one or two of the leads has been cast against type. In this case it’s the girl. The guy is fine in the role. Nothing amazing, but he fits. She does not. She looks like she belongs in Mean Girls (2004) with her squeaky voice and I don’t buy her being able to add, let alone run a business. Whoever keeps doing the casting for David S. Cass Sr. Hallmark movies should be fired. It isn’t fair to the actors and it ruins the movie. They aren’t good enough to play against type, so cast them appropriately so they can do their thing.

The movie itself is about a girl who owns a bookstore and has a business consultant thrust upon her by a big investor in her business. He tries to help her, she resists, she has a boyfriend who obviously doesn’t belong with her, and you know where it ends up.

It would be average, but Leah Renee is totally miscast and it nearly completely ruins the film. It’s not a total crash and burn though.

Oh, and kudos to the Art Department for bothering to setup an XAMPP LAMP stack to run their fake webpages on.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered: Truth Be Told (2015) – We are going really far back to my very first Hallmark movie roundup. I even received what I think is my one and only thumbs down so far. I assume because of my rather harsh review of Signed, Sealed, Delivered: From Paris With Love (2015). I try to tell you what I thought having watched it. And having watched the most recent entry in the series, I stand behind it. This is one series on Hallmark where they really need to air at least from the Christmas episode up to whatever they are currently showing before the new entry airs. This isn’t one where you can just jump in anywhere like the Aurora Teagarden or Garage Sale Mystery movie series. Hallmark really seems to be carefully trying to craft something special that is notches above their usual material. It’s not fair to you and the series to just jump in at any point. At least not without then going back and watching the earlier ones. I still have to see the pilot/first movie myself.

So, the movie itself. We once again join the Postables as they call themselves at the dead letter office of the United States Postal Service. There is a letter that has been in a fire, but clever Norman (Geoff Gustafson) knows a way to bring the ink back to life from his time in the system as a kid. I really liked this short little procedural part. It honestly made me think of Dan Aykroyd’s character in Sneakers (1992) when he tells Robert Redford how to defeat a keypad lock form an old friend who was in Desert Storm. On the other side of the conflict. They give Redford what sounds like complex instructions, but it turns out it’s just kick the door in. I would love them to have Norman do more tricks like this in the future that he has picked up from his many childhood friends. I also want more procedural elements in general. I think I would enjoy the show more from seeing them work together rather than a personal backstory revealed through an encounter with something from one of their pasts.

This one does that though. This time poor Oliver (Eric Mabius) gets a visit from his father who he has no desire to see. Let me take a moment to say, can we please both give Oliver a break, and give him a marijuana brownie or something to let him loosen up for a bit. The poor guy is wound tighter than a drum. Also, I half expect him to open up a letter and find it has anthrax in it or something else horrible happen to him in the next film. In this one, his father has a bomb to drop on him (not literally).

While Oliver confronts his past, the letter leads Norman and Rita (Crystal Lowe) into the life of a young girl who’s Mom mysteriously disappeared in Afghanistan. It turns out the letter was written by someone else, not the mother. She hires them to find out who wrote it. At present, the mother is presumed to have worked with the enemy. The “Truth Be Told” of the tile is something that Oliver didn’t know about his father and the young girl finding out the truth about her mother. Although, I think we are going to find out even more about her in the next entry in the series.

The only other thing I can think to mention is that Rita has a romance novel she is writing. Apparently, there’s a scene in it where a woman is accidentally branded. I have no reason to believe otherwise, but I think she means branded like Cecil B. DeMille’s The Cheat (1915) branded. I want to hear more from this novel. She certainly seems to have more of a sexual imagination than the guy who directed Bikini Spring Break (2012) and Jailbait (2014).

I think you can come in to this without having seen the prior ones, but really, if you can, record it and hold on till you see the previous ones. I think you will be doing yourself a real favor.

A Ring By Spring (2014) – This is paint by numbers Hallmark. You can tell from the title. Hell, that picture would probably have you thinking it’s offensive to women. It’s not.

The movie is about a business consultant played by Rachel Boston. She is called in to help a company that buys used college supplies, then resells them. She gets a reading that says she will have a ring by spring or she never will. Honestly, she doesn’t seem to take it very seriously, which is nice. It’s just kind of in the back of her mind. Of course, we know she is going to end up with the nice guy who runs the business rather than anyone else she might meet.

The two things that work are the ending and Boston herself. I won’t spoil the ending, but it’s not a proposal. It’s a nice little, ah, I get it moment for Boston’s character followed by her ending up with the guy. While the stuff leading up to it didn’t work so great for me, the ending did.

The other thing that works is Boston’s facial expressions. I think it’s her big eyes, but she does some great shocked looks.

Seriously, the movie is worth seeing just to watch her face.

Unfortunately, this movie is one of those that screws up computer screens. And again, it’s a stupid mistake that they for some reason beyond me decide to show in a lingering closeup. In this case, Boston is talking to a guy via her iPad, but we can clearly see it’s just video playing that she is talking to. It’s only made worse when in a following scene she is shown a video and we can clearly see it looks the same as her supposed chat.

I really don’t understand why the closeup was necessary. Especially when in the same scene it’s fixed because presumedly the top of the video went away since they weren’t touching it or they touched it to make it go away. Probably they noticed it, touched it to make it go away, but didn’t reshoot the earlier scenes.

I said the ending worked for me, but the real reason is to see Boston do her looks. She does the same sort of thing in A Gift Of Miracles (2015). I forgot to include screenshots that time, but I did describe the expression on her face like she just saw Chuck Norris eat a Cadillac. I haven’t enjoyed an actor almost solely on the basis of their facial expressions since Jim Carrey.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #137: The Murder Pact (dir by Colin Theys)

Posted on September 13, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the Lifetime original film, The Murder Pact! And I’m glad that I did because it turned out to be one of the best Lifetime films of the years so far!

Why Was I Watching It?

Seriously, how could I not watch it? It was a movie about murderous rich kids and it was on Lifetime! There was no way I could resist watching The Murder Pact.

What Was It About?

It’s about murder, lies, greed, fame, guilt, and secrets. It’s also about a beautiful house and a bunch of good-looking narcissists who have impeccable taste in clothing. It’s exactly my type of film.

At an exclusive college, there are four friends. Camille (Alexa PenaVega) wants to be a famous singer but, when she auditions, she is rather cruelly turned down because she’s a “nobody.” Annabel (Renee Olstead) is a neurotic dancer who finds herself having to deal with a catty rival named Poppy (Bailey De Young, giving a wonderfully snarky performance). Rick (Michael J. Willett) is a pill-popping athlete. And then there’s the leader of their little group, Will (Beau Mirchoff). Will is a wealthy model who wears blue contacts and who lives in an amazing mansion.

When these four friends are connected to the accidental death of another student, they try to cover up their involvement. However, a rebellious student and photographer named Lisa (Sara Kapner) witnessed what happened. Under Will’s direction, they plot to keep Lisa from revealing what she knows.

However, soon, everyone is being blackmailed by an unknown person who is demanding $4,000,000 to remain silent. And a mysterious detective (Sean Patrick Thomas) suddenly shows up and starts asking questions…

What Worked?

Oh my God, this movie was soooooo good! It was a stylish melodrama that kept viewers guessing up until the final scene. All of the actors appeared to be having a ball playing their decadent characters. They seemed to truly relish delivering every over-the-top line of dialogue and, as a result, they were all a lot of fun to watch.

I’ve always said that half the fun of a good Lifetime movie is getting to see where everyone lives and how everyone gets dressed in the morning and The Murder Pact certainly delivered on both counts. I especially loved seeing Will’s mansion. On twitter, the film’s screenwriter informed me that the house is currently for sale in Connecticut and I’m hoping it will still be on the market when I make my first million.

Also, I have to take a moment to appreciate the film’s cinematographer, Branden Maxham. The film looked gorgeous. I especially loved the chilly scenes of Will and friends plotting while standing outside in either snow or drizzling rain.

What Did Not Work?

It all worked!

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Well, of course, I related to Lisa the photographer because we Lisas stick together! However, as a dancer, I also knew what Annabel was going through. I’ve known my shares of Poppys.

Lessons Learned

Rich people are dangerous.

Film Review: Nymphomaniac Vol. I & II (2013, dir. Lars Von Trier)

Posted on September 13, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I’ll try and keep this short, unlike the movie, which if you watch the director’s cut as I did, comes out to about five and a half hours. Once you’ve sat through something like Jacques Rivette’s Out 1 (1971), which comes out to a little over twelve hours, this isn’t much. Also, despite what I’m going to say about it, it’s problems don’t come from it’s length. A lot of movies damage themselves by going past two hours, but not this one. The length really wasn’t an issue for me.

I’m also not going to pick out all the little stupid things like you see me do with Hallmark movies. Yes, Stellan Skarsgard says the Christian church split up in 1054 into Roman Catholic and Orthodox, but it actually fractured a long time before that break. Or the onscreen text, which you would expect in a Godard film. Especially when Skarsgard brings up Fibonacci numbers. That probably only ticked me off because I went through about nine years of college level computer science and really don’t want to hear about Fibonacci numbers ever again. Also, there’s a scene where she makes one attempt to have sex with black guys. It kind of reminded me of that “documentary” from the early 1970’s called Black Love. It’s there to mention that men are homophobic, but she is implicitly homophobic since sex with a woman is never brought up in this sex addict film. Von Trier also whips out the Two Kinds Of People In The World cliche, but it only makes sense if everyone is right handed. Well, let’s talk about the movie.

First, if you’re a fan of Lars Von Trier, then it’s a no brainer. This movie is for you. Don’t hesitate to watch it. If you are like me and love Breaking The Waves (1996), then this has similar material, but it’s not even remotely as moving. If you were offended by Dogville (2003) like I was, then don’t worry, this isn’t offensive stuff. It’s just boring.

The movie is about a girl named Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) who recounts her life as a self proclaimed nymphomaniac to Seligman (Stellan Skarsgad). The movie cuts back and forth between the actual story and then Seligman’s thoughts on it. Kind of like sitting in on a therapy session if it were being conducted by college students in a debate class. And that’s where this film’s biggest issue is for me. A lot of the analysis feels pedestrian or the kind of thing you would expect in a college paper written by a student who hopes the teacher will be impressed. And at times its almost like argument for arguments sake. Like when you’re in a class and a topic is tossed out for discussion. The topic may actually be rather simple, but people keep trying to throw things in to pad out the conversation to fill the class time. A lot of the dialogue feels like that sort of thing.

The story begins when she is a little girl and takes us up to the events that led Seligman to find her in the alley outside of his place at the beginning of the film. Her father is played by Christian Slater who I think does a good job. His British accent may be a problem for you, but it wasn’t for me. Neither was it a problem for me with Shia LaBeouf’s character who is a male presence in Joe’s life pretty much throughout the film. The accent was a problem for me with Uma Thurman’s character though.

There’s a point where Joe just starts referring to the men in her life by letters. She casually tosses them around. During one of these scenes, Uma Thurman shows up as the wife of one of the guys who’s there with Joe along with their kids in tow. The scene is supposed to start a little funny, then get really uncomfortable as it keeps going. Like when Thurman asks if she can show her kids the “whoring bed”. The problem for me was the accent. If they had just let her speak normally, then it would have worked, but it was a voice that at this point in her career is obviously not her’s and I can’t suspend disbelief. So the scene was just hilarious to me. Especially when she actually screams. That made me think of Julianne Moore in Map To The Stars (2014), which also had me laughing.

This film has been dismissed as porn or on the flip side, played up for showing so much. People especially like to mention that the sex is unsimulated. Well, it really doesn’t count in my book if that isn’t Shia LeBeouf’s penis, which it isn’t. They use CGI to graft porn actors genitalia onto some of the actors. So it’s not anything to brag about. Is it porn? Far from it. Anybody who tells you that has no idea what they are talking about. It probably comes closest to an exploitation movie at best in that department.

I said I wouldn’t pick out little flaws, but there’s a big one I have with the title and her consistently referring to herself as either a nymphomaniac or being addicted to sex. She’s not really addicted to sex. She’s addicted to sex like someone who only smokes Marlboro is addicted to cigarettes, but won’t smoke any other brand. She’s like that. She’ll take penetration by a penis, give a blow job, and poorly dabbles in S&M. That’s really it. She’s rather discriminating about what she’ll do. Another analogy is like when someone says they’re a cinephile, but that means to them that they love watching highly acclaimed foreign films. An addiction to something broad like movies or sex means you’re indiscriminate. However, I get why Von Trier sticks with the term nymphomaniac because the movie does have a reason to make sure the apparent love of sex and guilt about it is explicitly associated with a female character. The ending depends on it.

The only thing that was kind of noteworthy to me was how the way the movie is shot changes in the final part of the film. It’s divided into chapters and in the last one Von Trier either shot it to get film grain and over exposed lights or did it in post processing. I think it was probably a reference to a movement in film he was involved in back in the 1990’s called Dogme 95. You can watch something like Thomas Vinterberg’s The Celebration (1998) and it will look similar.

Honestly, it’s not a bad movie, but it’s really for people who like Von Trier stuff. If you like his stuff, see it. If you don’t, definitely skip it. If you’re totally new, then don’t start here. Begin with Breaking The Waves and Europa (1991) before wading into films like The Idiots (1998), Dancer In The Dark (2000), Dogville, and beyond.

The Daily Grindhouse: The Hearse (directed by George Bowers)

Posted on September 12, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I feel no shame in admitting that I love horror movies. I don’t think that’s any secret to anyone who has ever read my reviews on this site. When I’m feeling so restless that I can’t sit still or focus, all you have to do is give me a horror film (especially if it’s one that I’ve never never seen before) and I’ll be quiet for at least 90 minutes.

That’s why I’m always on the look out for horror movies that I haven’t seen before. If it’s a horror movie, I’ll watch it regardless of obscurity, age, or critical disdain. At its best, this habit has led to me discovering neglected cinematic gems like Sole Survivor.

And it’s worst, it’s led me to me sitting through films like 1980′s The Hearse.

The Hearse is one of those public domain film that turns up in every other Mill Creek Box Set and it tells a very familiar story. A recently divorced woman named Jane (played by Tish Van Devere, who was married to George C. Scott at the time) leaves the big city to seek peace and solace in a creepy small town that’s full of rednecks who stare at her with a combination of lust and total disdain. Jane moves into a house that once belonged to her aunt and, pretty soon, she’s hearing strange sounds and having nightmares. On some nights, she sees a hearse (which, earlier, had attempted to run her off of the road) pull up in front of her house.

Jane attempts to tell the local sheirff about the strange happenings at her house but he responds by suggesting that maybe she should move. The local townspeople respond to her concerns by telling her that her aunt made a pact with Satan. The local priest comes by and tells Jane that the necklace her aunt gave her is a symbol of Satan.

None of this really makes much of an impression on Jane, mostly because she’s busy dating this creepy guy named Tom. Tom rarely ever shows any emotion and, on those rare occasions that he does smile, his face looks like a leering skull.

Again, Jane doesn’t seem to notice any of this…

Obviously, horror requires a certain suspension of disbelief but, seriously, it’s hard not to watch The Hearse and feel as if the scariest thing about the movie is the idea that anyone could be as stupid as Jane.

That said, The Hearse isn’t a total waste of time. The nightmare sequence is genuinely effective and the film itself features a few creepy visuals but, then again, there’s no way the sight of a hearse pulling up in front of a house in the middle of the night couldn’t be creepy. Trish Van Devere does okay as Jane, though she was far better in both The Changeling and One Is A Lonely Number. (The film also features a few too many less-than-credible scenes where the town’s teenage boys talk about how “hot and sexy” they find the aristocratic and rather uptight Jane to be.) If, like me, you’re into film history, you’ll enjoy this film as a relic of the past, an example of what horror movies were like in a less ironic age.

Val’s Movie Roundup #24: Late Night Cable Edition

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I guess after watching Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life this had to be the next roundup. Also it’s been 21 of these things since I last spotlighted this genre of movies. I know how that kid could have been cured of his addiction. Watching these four movies.

Passionate Intentions (2015) – This one wasn’t even in IMDb when I watched it. They’re still processing my submission as I am writing this. This movie is one of those that has the absolute bare minimum plot, and the rest is just sex. It’s about a couple. The girl is about to inherit some money and it comes between them for awhile. Really, who cares. However, while the acting is bad, the plot doesn’t exist, and the sex is boring, it’s actually rather pretty. Here’s two shots.

The movie may be bad, but at least it was well shot. That’s way more than can be said for some of these. Sadly, they didn’t get someone as good for the sound cause that’s a little off.

Oh, and if somebody knows, then tell me what was with this guy and these dog tags. There are two sex scenes with him where he is wearing them. I don’t remember any explanation given. Is this some fetish I’m not aware of?

Sexual Wishlist (2014) – Just like Passionate Intentions, this movie has the as little plot as possible and as much sex as possible thing going on. This time it’s a divorce and an argument over who gets a couple of things that keeps them having sex with other people. But this movie has two things Passionate Intentions didn’t have.

Frankie Cullen

Christie Stevens

I’ve seen Frankie Cullen in several of these movies now and he is almost too good for them. I know he has done a few, but he really should be doing B-Movies rather than these. He has enough acting talent for it. His presence usually lifts the movie up.

Unfortunately, Christie Stevens does the opposite. She gives the worst performances I have seen in any of these movies. Her line readings make Ryan O’Neal in Tough Guys Don’t Dance (1987) seem amazing.

At least her lines in Intergalactic Swingers (2013) were so cheesy that it really didn’t matter, but here she is wretched.

Also, some how this movie and Passionate Intentions were shot by the same person, Lex Lynne Smith, but the difference in quality is almost night and day.

Pleasure Or Pain (2013) – Now that director Zalman King is no longer with us, they seem to be slapping his name onto anything he did. He’s the one who brought us the Red Shoe Diaries. You know, the TV show and movie series that David Duchovny narrated. I always found it funny that you could watch him on network television in the evening, then tune into late night cable and watch him there too. But to the movie.

This is Fifty Shades of Grey if that movie could have actually shown anything. Seriously, that almost tells you exactly what to expect here. Cut out the pointless relationship BS, horrible attempts at characters, and the stupid negotiation scenes and replace it all with arty eroticism. That’s Pleasure Or Pain in a nutshell.

As you can see, clearly what was missing from Fifty Shades of Grey was a miniature boat. That’s our Christian Grey.

That’s our Anastasia Steele narrating the story from what appears to be a radio broadcast booth. I’m not sure if they ever explain exactly where she was and it really doesn’t make any difference.

The two meet, get married, and then it’s just erotic scenes from then on. However, while the settings and exact situations may change, it goes to a certain point and never further. Just like Fifty Shades of Grey did. Both go only so far, then dance around there, but don’t actually do anything. King really tried to get arty with this. There’s one scene that both made me think of Jodorowsky’s The Holy Mountain (1973) and what must have been going on at One Eyed Jacks when Lynch wasn’t there filming Twin Peaks.

It’s the best of the four films here, but you will get sick of the erotic stuff. There’s really just so so much of it. I was already hurting by the mid point of the movie wanting the thing over with.

Monster of the Nudist Colony (2013) – Now we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel. Take a whiff of those fingernails because that smell is Monster of the Nudist Colony. Not even Frankie Cullen could save this one.

There’s an ape loose at a nudist colony where all people do is have sex. For some reason Cullen, a detective, is sent to investigate. And investigate he doesn’t. The movie is just some of the worst shot on video sex I have seen since Sexually Bugged! (2014). In fact, I’m quite sure that it’s the same crew. I even recognize some of the music, which by the way, is the worst music ever. And it has lyrics. One of them keeps repeating that he’s “Johnny Wet Pants”.

While everyone is having sex, the ape kidnaps and ties up a couple of the girls like Fay Wray or something. Just like the kid in Cyber Seduction is cured by jumping in a pool, two girls dancing naked while tied to poles turns the ape back into a man. Cause of course it does!

This really is the worst kind of these late night cable movies. It’s one of those where the girls look into the camera looking for approval like they’re a cat that’s just brought a dead rat to their owner.

Steer clear of this one.

Film Review: Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (2005, dir. Tom McLoughlin)

Posted on September 10, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I completely get why this is one Lifetime movie that Lisa hasn’t written about. This is a total mess of crap. I’m going to borrow Lisa’s format she often uses for reviewing Lifetime movies because otherwise this would probably just be reduced to a string of expletives.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because I was too stupid to listen to the slew of negative reviews on IMDb. Instead, I was intrigued and managed to find a copy of this thing.

What Was It About?

I can tell you what it was supposed to be about. It was supposed to be about a teenage boy who gets addicted to porn. In reality, I think it’s about how seeing big breasts means you will become addicted to energy drinks and you will go insane when you go through puberty and never masturbate.

The movie begins with a kid who has been beaten up jumping into a pool. Cut to three months prior and the kid is swimming in a meet. In no time, this kid is introduced to porn and since his girlfriend wants to remain a virgin, he gets hooked. He also just gets hooked on energy drinks at the same time. Because it’s nearly impossible to look at porn without massive amounts of caffeine in you. Honestly, I think they put that in the movie so they would have even more of a reason for why his swimming and school work suffers.

His Mom (Kelly Lynch) spots the porn because this kid is too stupid to close his door. He’s dumb enough to not shut his door, but later he suddenly becomes smart enough to hack through the library firewall to look at porn. HA!. Later he introduces his younger brother to porn.

Now, when I say he’s addicted to porn, it’s a little more complicated. Sometimes it’s just plain porn like this.

But a lot of the time it’s this girl named Monica who apparently goes to school with him. There is so little information about her that all I can say is that she is supposed to be a senior. Honestly, I’m quite sure they never even tell us why she puts herself out there like that. No money seems to come her way. At least the girls on Degrassi: TNG set up a business.

The film plays out like the kid has a drug problem. You’ve seen those films a million times so you know how it plays out. There’s really only two things left to talk about.

First, this bizarre scene where he is surrounded by women in the water.

Second, the ending of the movie. I hate to use the word slut, but I honestly don’t know of any other way to describe how they portray Monica. She actually meets with him at a restaurant, moves to the other side of the booth, grabs his hand and puts it on her breast. No explanation whatsoever except she seems to be super horny. It’s really weird. Now the ending. He appears to get beat up by the boyfriend of Monica because she’s a slut, then he jumps in the pool, and is suddenly cured of his porn addiction. This movie is more of a mess than Nukie.

What Worked?

Nothing. Okay, it did get the bit right about how porn sites would generate a seemingly endless amount of popups. I really think that’s it.

What Did Not Work?

Everything else.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I have also looked at porn on the Internet. But I was never dumb enough to do it when my parents could easily see it. It’s no wonder his parents say that swimming is the only way he’s going to college. It’s not money. They know their son rivals Bill Pullman’s character in Ruthless People (1986).

Lessons Learned

If someone tells you there is a Lifetime movie worse than this, then avoid it because your life may depend on it. Honestly, I have not watched a movie this bad since Ricky 1 (1988). Up to now I have only referred to it as the movie that shall not be named, but this is on par with it so I have no choice. That means it’s horrifyingly bad.

Val’s Movie Roundup #23: Hallmark Edition

Posted on September 10, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Just Desserts (2004) – It’s not every day that I get four decent Hallmark movies. This one I actually enjoyed quite a bit. It’s about a baker whose family bakery is falling on hard financial times. There is a cooking contest going on and he decides to enter. Apparently, his family has some baking secrets. Our main character Marco Poloni (Costas Mandylor) knows his stuff and even some of the bigwigs in the industry, but got slighted along the way and decided to kind of remain in obscurity. However, with the bakery in trouble and a contest that could help draw crowds, he decides to step out of the shadows. Problem is he needs a partner. That’s not an issue though. During a conversation at a fancy restaurant where he is having a discussion on the bakery being bought out, he tries a dessert and it’s almost right according to him. He has a partner! It’s pretty funny, because he comes back to the restaurant and just barges right into her kitchen to ask her to help him with the contest.

The rest is exactly what you expect. What makes it work is largely Costas Mandylor’s performance. Lauren Holly does a good job too. Amazingly, this movie was directed by Kevin Connor who brought us the epic disaster Strawberry Summer. The only problem I can think of here is that I was disappointed that they didn’t have Poloni make a reference Nicolas Cage’s character in Moonstruck (1987). Seriously, you see him walk in front of ovens in a white undershirt and you want him to yell, “I lost my hand! I lost my bride! Johnny has his hand! Johnny has his bride!”

I definitely recommend this one.

Before You Say ‘I Do’ (2009) – This one you really have to judge in two separate parts. This movie is about a guy (David Sutcliffe) who proposes to a girl (Jennifer Westfeldt), only to have her change her mind because she was burned by a bad marriage 10 years prior. So while going through a yellow light, he makes a wish that something could be done about what happened to her 10 years before. He is then hit by a car and now he’s in 1999.

The first part of this movie works. The two actors and Lauren Holly do a good job. He immediately goes to where she was working in 1999 believing that they will fall in love at first sight, but it doesn’t happen. So, he warms up to her friend played by Lauren Holly and works to make his way into her life while also trying to talk her out of the upcoming disastrous marriage. This stuff works well enough to enjoy the film. I liked David Sutcliffe and Lauren Holly. Jennifer Westfeldt is good enough. Kind of looks like Phoebe from Friends though. This part really is okay.

But there’s the second part. That’s the time travel. It’s not broken per se, but it’s like they didn’t even try. Really, the only honest attempt I saw to make it look like 1999 was that they had all the computer screens be CRTs. Jennifer Westfeldt looks exactly the same as she did in 2009. They didn’t even bother to change her hair. They also leave it up to you to figure out that he hasn’t gone back in time Back To The Future style, but Quantum Leap style. That is, instead of physically traveling there and thus, there being two of him, he has become unstuck in time and slipped back into his 1999 self. Also, if you went back in time to 1999, we all know it would come up at least once. But nope, he never mentions 9/11. They could have fixed that issue completely by just having him go back 7 years instead. It’s a stupid mistake that is just one more thing that should have been fixed if they were going to put in any effort to the time travel part of the story.

Still, throwing aside that the time travel stuff is a bit of a mess, the romantic comedy works well enough. Not a seek out, but you’ll be okay if this happens to be on.

Taking A Chance On Love (2009) – It’s weird, but unintentionally I am working backwards through The Note trilogy. This one is definitely better than the third one. It’s still forgettable, but better. This time Peyton McGruder (Genie Francis), the advice columnist, has a woman come up to her and say I love your column, but your advice on taking a chance on love is idiotic. Then she just walks away. It’s rather humorous.

In this one McGruder is not married to Kingston Danville (Ted McGinley). Also, we get to meet the girl that McGruder gave up for adoption many years prior. I think near the end of the film we find out McGruder tried to kill herself while she was pregnant with her. Since that didn’t pan out, she gave birth and put her up for adoption. It seems the girl’s parents went out of the picture and McGruder came back into her life. I’m sure all this information is in the first film. Unfortunately, this movie kind of leaves you in the dark for about 30 minutes. You will think that it’s impossible to watch this one without having seen that one. But that’s not true. You reach 30 minutes and there’s enough exposition that you can follow the movie. Till then it’s a little rough.

Basically, there are four things going on here. The lady who came up to McGruder and insults her needs help resolving a very old incident involving two guys and baby that happened many years ago. McGruder needs to get over her hesitancy and just marry King. McGruder’s daughter needs to stop drinking and not feel she’s in any danger if McGruder gets married. Finally, King and his son need to both get on the same page about the son wanting to be a photographer. That’s it. Just like Signed, Sealed, Delivered, it’s very character driven, not plot driven. It’s not as good as Signed, Sealed, Delivered though.

For those of you who remember when I reviewed the third one, yes, McGinley does have an assholery moment that happens for a minute without really any lead up or anything to follow it. I really want to see the first one just to see if that one has a similar scene. I’m not sure why that’s a thing with these movies, but it seems to be true.

Also, because this is Hallmark, it should be no surprise that two actors from Degrassi: TNG make an appearance. John Bregar who played Dylan is King’s son and Raymond Ablack makes a brief appearance.

Married With Children meets Degrassi: TNG

Oh, and unless I missed something or the plot summary on IMDb is wrong, that’s not a California license plate.

This one is fine, but I get the feeling that The Note trilogy is like the first five Friday the 13th movies. Individually, there not so good, but taken together, then you have something. I’ll find out eventually. Just as all streams lead to the toilet in computer science, it seems that all Hallmark movies eventually come to me. I swear that’s a saying I read in a computer science textbook many years ago.

Growing The Big One (2010) – Nope, you’d think there was, but according to IMDb there’s only a serious of porn films called Chasing The Big Ones. Not sure how Hallmark lucked out on this title, but good for them.

Now let’s talk about the movie. This is probably my favorite of the four films here. I like Shannen Doherty. She’s never going to win any major awards for acting, but I always seem to enjoy her performances. Kavan Smith is good too. I enjoyed him on Eureka. He is actually pretty interesting because of the way he looks. He can easily come across as a really kind and nice man, but all he has to do is make the most subtle adjustment to his facial expression, and it’s oh my God, he’s a psychopath. For some reason I really like that about him.

Doherty plays a radio show host from Seattle whose grandfather dies so she goes to the country to see this pumpkin farm she has inherited. Suddenly, her job back home disappears when she hears someone else on the radio in her slot. Well, not disappear, she’s reassigned. They want her on this plant show because everyone is going green these days. It’s stupid and Doherty calls them on it, but once her boss hears she now has a farm in the country, her fate is sealed. Thus, Doherty now lives in the country where she broadcasts and livestreams via webcams about a subject she is totally ignorant about.

Enter Kavan Smith! If he was in the film before this, I don’t care, nor do I remember because I want to believe this was the first time we see him. In the middle of the night he tries to break into her house and Doherty nearly maces him. He claims he was fixing the lock because he was friends with her grandfather, but we know he was there to steal the pumpkin seeds. Her grandfather was well known for growing the biggest pumpkins because of his secret method and special seeds. Is there a contest for growing the biggest pumpkin that will make the show a hit, carry the rest of the film, and bring Smith and Doherty together? Of course there is!

This is a movie that works because the two actors are just so enjoyable to watch. I didn’t really think they had any chemistry together, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed it.

One other thing to mention. There is a guy in town who sells manure. His mascot is a superhero character. He even dresses as this superhero at one point. They never say it, but that means his mascot is Shitman.

Film Review: Black Fly (dir by Jason Bourque)

Posted on September 9, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“It’s just another fond memory of country living.”

— Noel Henson (Matthew McCaull) in Black Fly.

Black Fly, an intense psychological thriller from Canada, tells the story of two brothers.

On an isolated island, Noel Henson (Matthew McCaull) lives on the farm that was once owned by his parents. He has a mullet, he loves his dog, and he ends each workday with a cold beer. And maybe it’s because I’ve got plenty of country in my background as well but, as soon as I saw him, I immediately recognized Noel’s type. He’s outwardly friendly but definitely prefers to have space of his own, the type who likes to live by his own rules and will probably never forgive you if you break one of them. You would definitely want to help build your house but you might not necessarily invite him to come inside of it afterward.

Noel’s younger brother is Jake (Dakota Daulby). Maybe because I’ve always had a weakness for sensitive and artistic loners, I felt that I immediately knew Jake’s type as well. He’s the guy who has been let down one too many times by everyone around him. He’s got a sketchbook full of drawings of monsters and fantasy girlfriends. When it comes to someone like Jake, you’re torn between feeling sorry for him and fearing what will happen if he ever truly loses control of his anger. When we first meet Jake, he is escaping from his abusive uncle. When he shows up at the island, Noel is there to greet him. It’s been years since the two brothers were together but it quickly becomes obvious that Jake idolizes Noel.

At first, everything appears to be perfect between Jake and Noel but slowly, cracks start to appear. Jake and Noel’s childhood was hardly ideal. Their abusive father was shot while hunting. Their mother committed suicide. Noel is overly possessive of his girlfriend, Paula (Christie Burke), and she appears to have some secrets of her own. A violent motorcycle gang has recently shown up on the island and is trying to intimidate Noel into leaving his home.

And, of course, one of the brothers is a murderer.

Now, I’m not going to tell you which brother is a murderer. One of the best things about Black Fly is that, up until we witness the film’s first murder, we are kept guessing as to which brother will turn out to be the murderous one. At first, it’s easy to imagine either one of the two brothers turning out to be a murderer. Both McCaull and Daulby give totally believable and authentic performances. At first, they’re both likable but, as the film progresses, we get small clues of trouble underneath the surface. And those small clues become bigger and bigger until the violence finally explodes on-screen.

Black Fly was written and directed by filmmaker Jason Bourque. That name should be familiar to our regular readers because he previously wrote the script for End of the World, a film that I enjoyed so much that, two years after it originally aired, I’m still taking advantage of any excuse to link to my review of it. Bourque’s direction of Black Fly is atmospheric and suspenseful, making great use of some truly desolate locations. Whether it’s the trailer park that Jake flees at the start of the film or the dilapidated farm that Noel calls home, the locations in Black Fly are just as important as the characters, with the decay of the island neatly mirroring the decay of Noel and Jake’s relationship. As the film reaches its violent conclusion, Bourque’s direction keeps the audiences off-balance and throws us straight into the tension-filled world of the characters.

Based on a true story, Black Fly is a potent and visceral look at guilt, violence, and family secrets. It will be having its U.S. premiere at the Arizona Underground Film Festival on September 25th, followed by two showings at the San Diego Film Festival on October 1st and October 3rd.