Oh my God — sharks in the Mississippi River!?
Hey, why not? Listen, SyFy has been showing shark films for over four years straight now. We’ve had zombie sharks. We’ve had toxic sharks. We had a ghost shark. We’ve had a planet of the sharks. The sharks have taken over the oceans. They’ve taken over the jersey shore. There’s even a movie called Sand Sharks, in which the sharks take over the beach! And, let’s not forget that SyFy and the Asylum have built an entire franchise around the idea that sharks can survive in a tornado. (And I haven’t even mentioned what happens in Shark Exorcist.)
My point is that there are a lot of shark movies and, as a result, the sharks are having to branch out and explore new aquatic territory. It was inevitable that the sharks would eventually find their way to the Mississippi River.
As soon as I saw the title of this movie, I thought to myself, “Please tell me that this movie will open with a big old riverboat getting attacked by sharks.” You can imagine how happy I was when, less than five minutes into the film, that’s exactly what happened. When you’re watching a movie on SyFy and you see a bunch of CGI sharks jumping onto the deck of a riverboat and snapping off people’s heads, you know you’re in a good hands. You know you’re going to be properly entertained for the next two hours.
Really, when it comes to shark movies, all you really need are the sharks and some victims who, for whatever reason, refuse to stay out of the water. However, Mississippi River Sharks offers a bit more than that. After the sharks get finished with that riverboat, they move on down the Mississippi and attack a small town’s annual “fish rodeo.” Needless to say, a fish rodeo always tends to attract the most eccentric among us and this one is no different. For instance, there’s Possum (Kevin J. McGrath), who isn’t going to let a little thing like a shark attack stand in the way of his quest to win a trophy. There’s Big Bill (Marco St. John), who owns the local car dealership and who doesn’t see why the presence of a few sharks should stand in the way of making a little money. There’s Wyatt (Dean West), who has a way with a quip and quickly emerged as a favorite of the viewing audience. And then there’s Tara (played by Cassie Steele, star of both Degrassi and Zombie Shark) who quickly shows that she knows just how to deal with ill-tempered sharks.
Finally, there’s Jason London, playing the role of …. Jason London! That’s right, Jason London plays himself in Mississippi River Sharks. In the film’s universe, Jason is well-known for starring in multiple editions of the Shark Bite franchise. (“We don’t talk about Shark Bite 3!” Jason snaps.) When Jason accepted the invitation to be the fish rodeo’s special celebrity guest, he never realized that he would have to face real-life sharks! However, when those sharks do arrive, this movie hero proves himself to be … well, not much of a hero. Watch the movie to see what happens. I’ll just say that London is hilarious and it’s a lot of fun to watch him pretending to be a pretentious and stuck-up movie star. He delivers his lines with just the right amount of weary annoyance.
(And yes, there is a Jeremy London joke but I won’t spoil it.)
(Also, it’s mentioned that Jason London also starred in Here Comes Santa Jaws and Raiders of the Lost Shark. Seriously, somebody needs to make these two films.)
Now that the sharks have invaded the Mississippi River, where will the sharks show up next year? Well, just remember this — the Mississippi River is the biggest river in the United States. Those sharks could end up anywhere. Personally, I’m hoping for Minnesota Winter Sharks.
We’ll see what happens!
On the hundredth year anniversary of a battle between the U.S. Calvary and the Blackfeet Indians, the residents of small Montana town decide to reenact the battle and hopefully bring in some tourist dollars. The white mayor (Bill McKinny) and the sheriff (Jerry Hardin) both think that it is a great idea. Even the local Indian leader, Ben Cowkiller (Dennis Banks, in real-life a founder and leader of the American Indian Movement), thinks that it will be a worthwhile for the Indians to participate. The Calvary’s guns will be full of blanks. The Indians will play dead. However, as the result of a bar brawl the previous night, one of the local rednecks, Calvin Morrisey (Kevyn Major Howard), shows up with a gun full of bullets. After he shoots one of the Indians, Calvin ends up with a tomahawk buried in his head. Three Indian teenagers, Warren (Tim Sampson), Skitty (Kevin Dillon), and Sonny (Billy Wirth), flee into the wilderness. Thirsty for revenge, a white posse heads off in pursuit.
