Yes, I know The Meg came out a while ago, but I just got it on Netflix and had a pretty good date night watching it; so, you’re going to learn about too. The press was not kind to this film. They used words like dumbed down, boring, and bland. I wouldn’t put The Meg in any of those categories. This was a high budget SyFy movie like Sharknado, but less self-aware. As for the film, there were some legit scare moments. My general beef is that it acted as a Chinese propaganda film. Jason…Buddy…you don’t have to pander like that. You’ve got abs and monster shark eating people. Really. Even if you want to pander, showing the Chinese flag waving gloriously not once, but twice was just over the top ass-kissing. Just stop.
The Meg, directed by Jon Turtletaub (Jericho, Rush Hour) and written by Joe Hoeber (Battleship), is a straightforward monster movie. A Jerk Billionaire (Rainn Wilson) funds and exploration of a deepsea cave. The dive team investigates and voila there be dino-sharks swimmin in thar and they get trapped in the land of the lost in the briny deep. *Pirate Voice* Hmmm, maybe this entire article should be read in a pirate voice. Think of it as your innarrrrrrrrr monologue. A couple of megalodons get out and only Jason Statham and his abs can stop them. Side Note on abs: I’ve lost 65Lbs and nearly have Statham Abs. This doesn’t really add to the review, but come on abs really didn’t add anything to stopping the megalodon, but if Statham hadn’t shown his abs you’re telling me no one would’ve been disappointed?! Really?! REALLY?! You’re sticking with that?! Fine!
Jason (Just calling him Jason, again, come on…is anyone remembering the character’s name?!!! You went to see it because Jason was in it…..ughhhh… Fine) ….
Jonas (Jason Statham) is down and out because he had a run in with a Kaiju earlier in his career and now he drinks beer all the time that give him abs….THAT is the only part of the movie I don’t buy and irritated me. He should’ve been doing crossfit! I’m sorry if you have even one lousy Heineken, you are not going to look like this:
IT’S NOT POSSIBLE! I bust my hump 6-7 days a week in the gym to get the above results and boozing is not possible if you want Statham abs! He should be doing burpees and drinking green juice!
Anywho, Jonas decides to rescue the yellow submarine and then kill the not one, but two Megs. There a quite a few Jaws-like death scenes. There is even a beach scene where The Meg chows down on Chinese beach goers AND when The Meg comes in for seconds, you can see wee swimsuits in his jaws (nice touch Turtletaub, nice touch). Jonas has to pursue the Meg into the beach and kill it. This is not a spoiler! What else would he do?! Jonas uses some weird looking submarine and kills it with some sort of submarine knife; I honestly couldn’t tell. It was kind of a darkly lit scene.
Addendum: There is also a minor subplot with Jonas and Suyin, but it’s too dull to discuss. I would’ve edited her and her overly cute kid out the movie entirely.
Is The Meg worth Netflixing? Yes! It’s a monster movie. The mainstream press is just too snobby to enjoy a Sharknado or unironically watch a Lifetime MOW. But not me! I can enjoy a creature feature!