Retro Television Review: The American Short Story Episode 7: The Displaced Person


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing The American Short Story, which ran semi-regularly on PBS in 1974 to 1981.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime and found on YouTube and Tubi.

This week, we have an adaptation of Flannery O’Connor’s longest short story.

Episode #7: “The Displaced Person”

(Dir by Glenn Jordan, originally aired in 1977)

Life at a Georgia farm is thrown into turmoil when the farm’s owner, widow Mrs. McIntyre (Irene Worth), agrees to give a job to a Polish refugee named Mr. Guizac (Noam Yerushalmi).  As World War II has just ended and Father Flynn (John Houseman) has assured Mrs. McIntyre that Guizac can drive a tractor, Mrs. McIntyre is happy to give Guizac a home in America.  Less happy are the people who already work at the farm, most of whom see the hard-working Guizac as being a threat.  Mrs. Shortley (Shirley Stoler) worries that her husband (Lane Smith) is going to lose his job to Guizac.  Meanwhile, a young farmhand named Sulk (Samuel L. Jackson) enters into a business arrangement with Guizac, one that causes Mrs. McIntyre to change her opinion of Guizac.  Needless to say, it all ends in tragedy.

This adaptation is based on a short story that Flannery O’Connor wrote after her own mother hired a family of Polish refugees to work at their family farm, Andalusia.  This adaptation was actually filmed at Andalusia, only a few months after Flannery O’Connor’s death.  The furniture seen in the house was O’Connor’s own furniture.  The peacocks the drive Mrs. McIntyre crazy and which cause Father Flynn to have a religious epiphany are the same peacocks that roamed the farm when Flanney O’Connor lived there.  The cemetery that Mrs. McIntyre visits is the O’Connor family cemetery.  It brings a sense of authenticity to the film, one that is often missing from films made about the South.

The adaptation moves at a deliberate pace but it’s well-acted and it stays true to O’Connor’s aesthetic.  Those who might complain that there are only two likable characters in the film — Mr. Guizac and Father Flynn — are missing the point of O’Connor’s story.  Even Mrs. McIntyre, who initially seems to be trying to do the right thing, is blinded by the prejudices of race and class.  Father Flynn never gives up on trying to redeem both Mrs. McIntyre and the rest of the world but one gets the feeling that he might be too late.

The cast is what truly makes this adaptation stand-out.  Irene Worth, John Houseman, Lane Smith, Robert Earl Jones, they all give excellent performances.  Samuel L. Jackson was very young when he appeared in The Displaced Person but he already had the screen presence that has since made him famous.  The best performance comes from Shirley Stoler, who plays Mrs. Shortley as being a master manipulator who, unfortunately, happens to be married to a worthless man.  Mrs. Shortley does what she does to protect her husband.  Mr. Shortley does what he does because he’s a loud mouth bigot.  Everyone has their own reasons, to paraphrase Jean Renoir’s The Rules of the Game.  In this story, those reasons lead to tragedy.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 3.20 “The Charnel Pit”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, we say goodbye to Friday the 13th.

Episode 3.20 “The Charnel Pit”

(Dir by Armand Mastroianni, originally aired on May 14th, 1990)

All things come to an end and that includes the adventures of Micki, Jack, and Johnny.

Friday the 13th: The Series ends with an episode about a professor (Vlasta Vrana) who owns a two-sided painting that he can use to send people into the past.  He sends female victims back to the time of the Marquis de Sade (Neil Munro) and the Marquis sends the professor his unpublished works.  If you’ve ever seen an episode of this show, you will not be surprised to learn that eventually Micki is sent back to the Marquis and briefly finds herself fascinated by the man for whom sadism is named.  Micki  gets to dress up in a cleavage-baring costume and Neil Munro plays another villain.  All the bad guys end up dead and the painting is tossed in the Curious Goods vault.  It’s Friday the 13th!

It might not seem like much of a finale.  Unfortunately, the cast and crew were not informed that the series wouldn’t be returning for a fourth season until they were almost finished filming this episode.  As a result, Friday the 13th did not get a proper send-off.  The series ended with many of the cursed antiques still out there and Jack, Micki, and Johnny apparently destined to spend the rest of their lives searching for them.

On the one hand, I enjoyed this series and I regret that it didn’t get a proper ending.  Micki, Jack, and even Johnny suffered so much that it seemed like they deserved to end things with some sort of triumph.  At the same time, it does feel appropriate that — after a season that featured some ill-thought experimentation with the show’s format — Friday the 13th went out with a traditional episode.  This show was always at its best when it focused on antiques and creepy villains.  That’s certainly the way that I’ll remember the show.

I enjoyed watching and reviewing Friday the 13th.  Was it uneven?  Sure.  It was a low-budget, syndicated show.  A certain uneveness is a part of the package.  At its best, though, it was a genuinely creepy show that was blessed with some wonderful chemistry between Chris Wiggins, Robey, and John D. LeMay.  (The show never really recovered from LeMay’s exit.)  On the whole, the good definitely outweighed the bad, even during the final season.  And who knows?  Perhaps, if there had been a fourth season, the writers would have finally figured out a way to make Johnny into a compelling character.

I’ll miss reviewing this series.

Next week, something new will premiere in this time slot.  What will it be?  You’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 2.7 “Entrapment”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!

This week, Peter’s in trouble …. again!

Episode 2.7 “Entrapment”

(Dir by Mark Tinker, originally aired on December 7th, 1983)

Oh, that Peter White!  Always in trouble for something!

This week, a woman comes into the Emergency Room with her baby and begs for some Seconal, just to help her get some sleep.  Peter says that Seconal might be too powerful a drug but he’s moved by the woman’s pleas.  Finally, he gives her the drugs.  The next morning, Dr. Craig and Dr. Westphall get a call.  The woman was an undercover cop and now, Dr. White — a recovering drug addict himself — is under investigation.

Both Dr. Craig and Dr. Auschlander think that the solution is to just kick Peter out of the hospital.  Westphall disagrees, saying that Peter has come a long way since he completed rehab.  Westphall promises Peter that he and Auschlander will support him when his hearing comes up.

As for Dr. Craig, he finally found out that his secret admirer was Kathy Martin.  This led to Ellen Craig (played by Bonnie Bartlett, William Daniels’s real-life wife) heading down to the morgue and politely telling Kathy to stay away from her man before then mentioning that, if politeness hadn’t worked, she was prepared to beat Kathy up.  I love Ellen.  She’s one of the best characters on the show.

Meanwhile, Irish kid Eddie Carson (Eric Stoltz), who was admitted to the hospital last week, is upset because he’s going to have a big ugly scar on his face.  He’ll probably be even more upset when he discovers that a rival Irish teenager (a protestant, naturally) planted a bomb in his family’s restaurant and blew up his parents.

This was an okay episode.  The highlight was definitely Ellen confronting Kathy Martin.  As for the other storylines, Eddie Carson’s story felt a bit contrived while Peter White’s story was just getting started.  I assume the hearing will be next week.  It’s interesting to see Peter as the victim for once.  Usually, it’s his own stupidity that screws things up for him.  This week, he really was unfairly targeted.

We’ll see what happens next week.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 4.5 “I Was A Middle-Aged Werewolf”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, it’s Halloween!

Episode 4.5 “I Was A Middle-Aged Werewolf”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on October 28th, 1987)

This was a cute episode and one that I had actually seen before.  My friend Mark recommended it to me three years ago, during an October in which I was looking for a little something to add to Horrorthon.

The Devil (Michael Berryman) makes his second appearance on the show, this time selling Mark a submarine sandwich on Halloween night.  Mark eats the sandwich while watching I Was A Teenage Werewolf on television.  (“Hey, this guy kind of looks like you!” he tells Jonathan.  Michael Landon, of course, starred in I Was A Teenage Werewolf.)  Mark is then haunted by nightmares in which Jonathan turns into a werewolf.  (And yes, Landon is made up to look like he did in the film.)

Meanwhile, in the waking world, Jonathan helps a lost trick-or-treater go home and he briefly turns into a werewolf so that he can scare the kid’s mean older sister.  I’m not really sure what the rules were about angels pulling Halloween pranks but it should be noted that Jonathan is actually a fairly nice werewolf and he allows the kid to be a hero by pretending to be scared of him.

The episode ends with Mark once again yelling in fear as Jonathan turns into a werewolf, just for Michael Landon to look straight at the camera, break character, and say, “Happy Halloween.”

Awwww, what a sweet episode!

After a few weak and heavy-handed episodes, it was nice to see Highway to Heaven return to its earnest roots.  This was a likable episode, one that showed that Landon was willing to laugh at himself and one that, to me, seemed to indicate a genuine love for the Halloween holidau.  This was a fun 60 minutes and watching it has left me even more eager about the approaching horrorthon season.

Retro Television Review: Malibu CA 2.22 “Doctor Freeze”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.

This week, everyone on the show continues to be absolutely terrible.  Every day, I am thankful that there are only a handful of episodes left.

Episode 2.22 “Doctor Freeze”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on April 22nd, 2000)

This week’s episode of Malibu, CA was perhaps the worst 22 minutes of television that I have ever watched.  Not surprisingly, the episode focused on Lisa (the character, not me).

Lisa wants to be a doctor.  She’s just received an ER internship.  But when Scott cuts his finger, she sees the blood and faints.  When she shows up at the ER, she gets overwhelmed by all the patients and runs around in a panic saying things like, “You could have flesh-eating bacteria!”  The ER doctor tells Lisa that she has no business in the medical field.

And he’s absolutely right.  If you can’t handle the sight of blood, you shouldn’t be a doctor.  If you can’t check someone into the ER without telling them that they might have flesh-eating bacteria, you shouldn’t be a doctor.  That’s just common sense.  Being a doctor is an important job.  You don’t get a second chance to not kill someone.

And yet we’re supposed to feel bad for Lisa as she worries about never becoming a doctor, even though it’s her own fault for telling a patient with sunburn that he has flesh-eating bacteria.  Lisa’s reaction to what appears to be a rather small cut on Scott’s finger is so over-the-top that it should automatically be disqualifying as far as becoming a doctor is concerned. Being a woman means dealing with blood on a regular basis and I’m talking about a lot more blood then you’re going to get from cutting a finger.  Lisa (the character, not me) is an unforgivable wimp.

And yet she is given a second chance, after someone injures themselves while surfing and Lisa tells everyone not to move his head.  The doctor at the ER theorizes that Lisa only freaked out about the blood because of how much she loves Scott.  “That why most doctors don’t treat their own family members!” he explains.  Lisa was so worried about freaking out over the blood that she got overwhelmed during her first night at the ER and …. LISTEN, I DON’T WANT A DOCTOR WHO GETS OVERWHELMED!  I don’t care what the excuse is.  I don’t want an incompetent doctor!

Let’s move on.  The B-plot was yet another plot where something good happens to Traycee and her stupid friends ruin it for her.  Traycee runs into a record promoter on the beach and he automatically gives her a recording contract.  She sings one of Jason’s songs.  The music video is filmed overnight but, when Jason, Tracyee, and Alex watch the video, Jason and Alex realize that another singer has been dubbed over Traycee’s vocals.

Jason is offended.  It’s goes against his …. his what?  Up until now, Jason has been portrayed as a compulsive liar who only cares about money.  Now, suddenly, he cares about integrity?  Anyway, after Jason tells her, Traycee is also offended and she refuses to continue working with the promoter.  I assume that means Traycee will now be sued for several million dollars.  Way to go, Jason!

God, I hate this show.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 1.1 “By The Bulls”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

For a few years now, first Prime and now Tubi have been recommending that I watch a sitcom called 1st & Ten.

My initial reaction, upon looking the show up online and discovering that it was about a football team that was owned by a woman and coached (from the second season on) by OJ Simpson, was to say, “Why would I want to watch this?”  And, to be honest, that’s still kind of my reaction.  Football is not my thing.  The only thing that is less my thing than football is soccer.

(“But in the rest of the world, soccer is called….”  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I don’t care.)

But then I read on and discovered that this is actually a historically significant show in that it was HBO’s first attempt to produce an original sitcom.  It was later sold into syndication, with all of the cursing and nudity edited out.  (Apparently, most of the episodes that are currently on Tubi are the edited syndication versions.)  That piqued my interest.  I may not care about football but I love historical footnotes.

So, without further ado, let’s get things started.

Episode 1.1 “By The Bulls”

(Dir by Rod Daniel, originally aired on December 2nd, 1984)

The show begins as wealthy Diane Barrow (Delta Burke) comes home to her mansion and discovers her husband, naked in their bedroom with another man.  “This is Ty Tylor,” her husband says, “he’s a tight end.”

“I bet he is!” Diane replies.

Later, while talking to her divorce lawyer (Earl Boen), Diane announces, “I want his Bulls!”

“You want his….?” the lawyer replies, glancing down at his crotch.

No, Diane doesn’t want his balls  She wants the Los Angeles Bulls, the football team that he owns.  When the lawyer replies that Diane’s husband loves the Bulls, Diane announces that if she doesn’t get the football team, she’ll let the world know that her husband’s gay.

(It’s the 1980s, folks.)

Diane gets the Bulls and she also gets a lot of attention due to being apparently the only woman to ever own a football team.  Everyone doubts her but Diane is determined to prove herself.  However, her sniveling general manager (and her husband’s nephew), Roger Barrow (Clayton Landey), tries to end her ownership before the season even begins by planting cocaine in her mansion,  His plan is that, during the pre-season party, one of the players will snort the cocaine and …. I don’t know.  I guess he’s hoping some will call the police or something.  It doesn’t seem like much of a plan, to be honest.

Fortunately, veteran Coach Ernie Denardo (Reid Scott) hears about the plan from a friend of his so he rushes over to the party and gets rid of the cocaine, though not before letting Diane know that she has powerful enemies.  That was nice of him since Diane previously fired him for being incompetent.  Needless to say, Denardo gets his job back.

And that’s it!  We did get to see a few snippets of the players, who all seem to be wild and wacky.  Carl Witherspoon (Sam Scarber) shows up at the party with his lawyer and demands a lot of money.  Another player, Kyle Brody (Robert Logan), tries to hit on Diane.  I checked with the imdb and this is Logan’s only appearance on the show so I’m not really sure what the point of him being at the party was.  It’s a pilot so I imagine that a lot of the background people in this episode will never be seen again.

Overall, my feeling about the pilot was that it …. well, it sucked.  The humor fell flat.  The acting was terrible.  Delta Burke showed some potential as Diane but I didn’t like how, after demanding, “I want his Bulls!,” Diane suddenly became this passive character who needed Denardo to tell her about the cocaine in her mansion.  But you know what?  It’s always unfair to judge a show by it’s pilot.  The Office, for instance, had a terrible pilot.  In the end, this particular pilot did what it was supposed to do — it introduced us to the main character and it set up the premise of the show.

We’ll see if things get better in the weeks to come.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.7 and 6.8 “The Spoonmaker Diamond/Papa Doc/The Role Model/Julie’s Tycoon”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard, we’re expecting you….

Episodes 6.7 and 6.8 “The Spoonmaker Diamond/Papa Doc/The Role Model/Julie’s Tycoon”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on November 13th, 1982)

The Love Boat is going to Greece and Turkey!

Well, actually, it’s the Love Boat crew that is going to Greece and Turkey.  They’ve been asked to temporarily take over another ship and, of course, Captain Stubing said yes.  This is one of those two-hour Love Boat episodes where the action was actually shot on location and on a real cruise ship.  As such, it’s more of a travelogue that anything.  We get to see the sights of both Greece and Turkey and no one makes any jokes about Midnight Express.

The majority of the storylines revolve around the Spoonmaker Diamond, a very valuable diamond that has been stolen by someone on the ship.  Was the diamond stolen by Emmett and Ellen Stokes (Harvey Korman and Nancy Dussault)?  Was the diamond stolen by Mark Hayward (Mike Connors)?  That’s what Inspector Sadu (Jamie Farr) is trying to figure out!  Of course, regardless of who stole it, it ultimately ends up in the unknowing possession of travel agent Dana Pierce (Polly Bergen).  Will Mark steal the diamond or will he fall in love with Dana?  Why can’t he do both?  This was an odd story because you had the goofiness of Harvey Korman and Jamie Farr and then you had the grouchy intensity of Mike Connors.  Connors seemed to be under the impression that he was appearing on a hard-boiled crime show as opposed to an enjoyably silly comedy about a cruise ship.

Meanwhile, Sabrina Drake (Jan Smithers) is a young heiress who is traveling with her mother, Amanda (Alexis Smith).  Amanda is not happy when she sees that tabloid reporter Joe Novak (Kiel Martin) is also on the cruise.  She’ll probably be even less happy when she discovers that Amanda is 1) secretly seeing Joe and 2) is pregnant.  When Doc finds out that Sabrina is pregnant, he offers to marry her.  Why not?  He’s known her for two days and he’s in love.  Fortunately, Joe talks to Amanda and wins Amanda’s blessing for his relationship with Sabrina.  Doc remains single.

Speaking of marriage, Greek tycoon Gregori Pananopolis (Lorenzo Lamas) asks Julie to marry him.  Julie is stunned and says she needs some time to think it over.  She tells Captain Stubing that she’s not sure if she’s ready to get married.  Uhmm …. Julie, this like the third or fourth guy who had asked you to marry him on this show.  You’ve nearly gotten married twice.  It’s odd how the show always acts as if marriage proposals aren’t a recurring theme when it comes to Julie.  Fortunately, Julie stays single because we all know she’s destined to eventually marry Doc.  Or Gopher, maybe.

Fashion photographer Cliff Jacobs (David Hedison) runs into his ex-wife, model Monica Brandon (Linda Evans).  He lies about having landed a job with a magazine in order to get her to pose for him.  He also takes some pictures of Vicki posing amongst the ruins of Greece.  Later, a magazine contacts him and offers to make Vicki into a star but he and Monica decide not to tell Vicki because they don’t want her to have to deal with pressure of being a model.  Hey Cliff and Monica, that’s really not your decision to make.  I’m sure being a model would be no less detrimental to Vicki than spending her entire youth on a cruise ship with people who are several decades older than her.

As I said at the start of the review, this episode worked best as a travelogue.  None of the stories were particularly intriguing but the scenery was lovely.  Even Turkey looked like a nice place to visit!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.11 “Deja Vu”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, someone is out to frame Palermo!  It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Episode 2.11 “Deja Vu”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on November 10th, 1996)

Palermo is upset because his former partner is returned to the boardwalk and is now running an arcade.  Gene Savage (Joe Cortese) may have once been a cop but now he’s a paroled ex-con and it was Palermo’s testimony that led to Savage being convicted in the first place.  Palermo suspects that Savage is out for revenge and it turns out that he is.  He tries to frame Palermo for a murder.  Internal Affairs demands Palermo’s badge.

And the thing is …. I know I’m supposed to feel bad for Palermo but I don’t.  Palermo’s a self-righteous jerk.  He’s been a self-righteous jerk since the start of the show.  He acts like riding a bicycle somehow makes him superior to everyone else on the boardwalk.  Finding out that he testified against his partner makes him seem like even more of a jerk.  It’s hard to like a snitch.

This entire episode is built around the idea of Palermo being treated unfairly but I kind of feel like he needed to be taken down a rung or two.  Maybe now, he won’t be so rude when he arrests people.  Maybe he’ll understand that not everyone cares about his whole bicycle thing.  Probably not, though.

While Palermo was dealing with his ex-partner, Cory and Chris dealt with the Good Samaritans, a group of blue beret-wearing citizens who attempted to fight crime on their own.  Andy Miller (Keith Coulouris) was determined to take down the local drug dealer.  When Andy’s partner (Claudette Mink) got shot and nearly died, Andy snapped and grabbed a gun and tried to get revenge himself.  Cory was there to arrest not only the drug dealer but also Andy.  “You’re a danger to the community and yourself!” Cory snapped.

Ugh.  People who ride bicycles shouldn’t try to act like badsses.  Seriously, is there a less likable cast of characters than the Pacific Blue crew?  It’s not a good thing when a cop leaves me rooting for the criminals.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.1 “Forbidden Love/The Other Man — Mr. Roarke”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Today, we start the seventh and final season.

Episode 7.1 “Forbidden Love/The Other Man — Mr. Roarke”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on October 8th, 1983)

The first episode of the seventh season finds Mr. Roarke handling two fantasies.

Widow Margaret Smith (Juliet Prowse) comes to Fantasy Island, hoping to meet the man of her dreams.  However, when she does, it turns out that he’s the ex-boyfriend of her daughter, Ginny (Jamie Rose)!  Can Margaret find love without hurting her daughter?  Or is her love destined to remain forbdden….

Meanwhile, Deborah Barnes (Stephanie Faracy) wants to make her boyfriend jealous so Mr. Roarke arranges for her to meet a man on the Island.  But when the man is suddenly unavailable, Mr. Roarke gallantly steps into his place.  That’s nice of him.  It shows how far Mr. Roarke will go to make the fantasies of his guests come true.  Except — uh-oh! — now Deborah’s in love with Mr. Roarke!  What can Mr. Roarke do to let Deborah down easily and repair her confidence?

Wow!  That’s a lot of drama for one weekend!  I wonder what Tattoo has to say…?

Tattoo?  Are you there?

OH MY GOD, WHERE IS TATTOO!?

Tattoo is gone, replaced by a butler named Lawrence (Christopher Hewett) who is so heavy-set that he can’t even climb the stairs to ring the bell when the plane shows up over the island.  Instead, he looks up at the sky and then pushes a remote button that makes the bell ring.  That’s …. just lame.  Over the past few years, I have resisted making “Da plane!  Da plane!” jokes but seriously, it doesn’t feel right for the show not to start to those words.

What’s especially upsetting is that no one on the show mentions Tattoo.  Roarke doesn’t mention why Tattoo is no longer on the Island.  Instead, he acts as if Lawrence has always been his assistant.  I mean, I understand that Herve Villechaize did not leave under the happiest of circumstances but it just feels cruel not to give Tattoo a proper send-off.  Tattoo was a huge part of the show.  His interactions with Mr. Roarke were the most consistently entertaining things about Fantasy Island.  And now, he’s gone and the show refuses to even acknowledge that he was ever there.

As for Lawrence, he’s a butler.  I don’t know how the season played out but, in the first episode, it was pretty clear that Lawrence was the hired help.  (Tattoo, at the very least, always seemed to be on nearly equal footing as Roarke.)  Lawrence calls Mr. Roarke “sir” and it just doesn’t feel right.  Instead of being equals, they are very much employer and employee.

The fantasies are okay.  I liked watching Roarke trying to make Deborah fall out of love with.  But the addition of Lawrence felt so wrong and really distracting.  It doesn’t bode well for the rest of season 7.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.3 “To Your Health”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, Ponch solves all the world’s problems.  Thank God!

Episode 4.3 “To Your Health”

(Dir by Barry Crane, originally aired on October 5th, 1980)

A farmer (Paul Gale) just wants to deliver his crops to various health food stores across Los Angeles but someone keeps sabotaging his truck.  Ponch wants to get laid so he pretends to like health food so he can get closer to the women who lives with the farmer.  Meanwhile, a kid keeps causing accidents whenever he goes windskating.  The kid’s father isn’t paying enough attention to him so Ponch gives both of them a stern talking to.  Ponch also helps the farmer make his deliveries and he saves the life of two women after a massive highway pileup.  Baker just stands around looking grim.

It’s the Ponch Show!

This episode was a bit of a mess but it was CHiPs in its most distilled form.  What little story there was only existed as an excuse for multiple car crashes.  Every time the kid went windskating, he caused an accident.  THREE MASSIVE, MULTI-CAR ACCIDENTS, all caused by this kid.  I’m talking accidents that involve cars flying through the air in slow motion.  This kid is going to get people killed!  And yet, he never really gets in trouble for it.  He gets scolded.  He gets dragged down to the police station.  But he’s always set free and apparently, he and his father somehow manage to get through episode without getting sued.

Meanwhile, that farmer wrecked his truck three times!  You would think that the farmer would get a new truck after a while.  And again, every accident seemed to lead to a car flying in slow motion through the air.  Amazingly, no one was ever seriously injured.

Baker was concerned about both the farmer and the windskating kid but, in the end, it was Ponch who solved all the problems.  In the past, Baker was always the one who gave the kids a good talking to.  But now, it’s Ponch who has all the wisdom.  Sorry, Baker.  You’ve been replaced by the blinding smile of Erik Estrada.

Really, what can we say about this episode?  Thank God for Ponch, right?  Los Angeles would be doomed without him.