Late Night Retro Television Review: Freddy’s Nightmares 1.10 “The Bride Wore Red”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares, a horror anthology show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The entire series can be found on Plex!

This week, who the Hell knows?

Episode 1.10 “The Bride Wore Red”

(Dir by George Kaczender, originally aired on December 18th, 1988)

This was a dumbass episode.

The first half of the episode dealt with Gavin (Eddie Driscoll) and his anxiety about his upcoming wedding to Jessica (Diane Franklin).  His friends take him out to a bar (called the Ball and Chain) where a stripper (Michele Pawk) ties him up and then taunts him about how bad marriage is going to be.  At the wedding, Gavin keeps seeing a mysterious woman (Katherine Moffat) who is dressed in red.  Then, we flash forward and see how miserable Gavin and Jessica are as a married couple.  Jessica no longer wear dresses and instead spends all day in sweatpants.  Gavin only kiss her when he wants sex.  He spends all of his time at the office.  Suddenly, we’re back at the church and Gavin says, “I do,” and kisses Jessica while the woman in red watches from her pew.

Obviously, the flashforwards were all a part of Gavin’s fantasy while standing at the altar.  But if the flashforwards were the fantasy, what are we to make of the equally cartoonish scenes at the bar?  Was all of that supposed to be real?  Even more importantly, who cares one way or the other?  There really wasn’t much of a story here.

The second half of the episode opened with Jessica and Gavin returning from their honeymoon.  Jessica is upset when she learns her father wants them to come over for dinner.  Jessica then goes out on her own, picks up a married man, ties him to a hotel room bed, and takes his picture.  She has an entire album full of pictures so apparently, she’s been doing this for a long time.

A dream sequence reveals that, when Jessica was a child, she caught her father cheating on her mother and he told her that if she ever told anyone, it would lead to divorce and Jessica would be carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Back in the “real” world, Jessica and Gavin arrive for dinner but Jessica freaks out when she sees that her father (Arthur Roberts) is holding a carving knife.  Jessica reveals that her father cheated on her mother (Margaret Shinn) but her mother reveals that she already knows.  Jessica runs from the house and is kidnapped by the guy she previously photographed.  Soon, she’s the one who is tied to a bed while the guy sharpens a knife….

But then, suddenly, Jessica is tied down to a bed in a mental hospital and her husband is telling a doctor that “this always happens” whenever she has dinner with her parents.  Hey, Gavin — maybe y’all should just stop having dinner with her parents.  Just a thought.

Despite the presence of the talented Diane Franklin, this episode felt pretty superfluous.  Gavin’s story felt pointless.  Jessica’s story at least had a point but it still fell flat.  I’m not sure why Freddy would waste his time with either one of these nightmares.

 

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 2.17 “Vanity”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!

This week’s episode was available on neither Hulu nor Prime.  I had to watch a really terrible upload that I found on Daily Motion.  Bleh.

Episode 2.17 “Vanity”

(Dir by Mark Tinker, originally aired on March 7th, 1984)

I was relieved to see that this episode featured Kathy Martin returning to the hospital.  I was seriously worried that Peter White had killed her.  With Peter in jail for attacking Wendy Armstrong, Kathy doesn’t tell anyone that Peter raped her.  From the minute we first see her, it’s clear that Kathy is suffering from severe PTSD.  As a character, Kathy Martin was not always treated well by this show.  During the first season, she was often portrayed as being a caricature, the quirky pathologist who liked to have sex in strange places.  This episode finally allowed Kathy to emerge as a fully-developed character and Barbara Whinnery gave a strong performance in the role.

Peter is in jail.  Despite Wendy’s anger, Dr. Morrison regularly visits him.  Morrison says that Peter is obviously sick and needs help but, at the same time, he hasn’t accepted that Peter is also the Ski Mask Rapist.  (Peter wasn’t wearing his mask when he attacked Wendy.)  As for Peter, he continues to feel sorry for himself.

Dr. Craig is upset when he receives a cop of the documentary about him and he discovers that he comes across like an arrogant martinet.  Dr. Craig threatens to sue the director (played, again, by Michael Richards) though one gets the feeling that Craig is mainly angry because he knows the documentary is true.

Nurse Rosenthal gets reconstructive breast surgery.  Joseph, the construction worker who has been having attacks of blindness, is successfully operated on.  Sometimes, things work out well at the hospital.  Not often, but sometimes.

Finally. Mr. Entertainment (Austin Pendleton) returns, singing to patients and upsetting his supervisor.  (Mr. Entertainment now works as a janitor at the hospital.)  To be honest, the majority of this episode was devoted to Mr. Entertainment and it was a bit too much.  Austin Pendleton is a good actor but Mr. Entertainment is such a cartoonish character that I mentally checked out of his story.

This was an odd episode.  There was a lot to work but it was almost all overshadowed by Mr. Entertainment.  Sometimes, you can tell a writer has fallen so in love with a minor character that they’ve forgotten about what the audience is actually interested in.  The episode felt like an example of that.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 4.15 “Time In A Bottle”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, it’s another courtroom drama on Highway to Heaven.

Episode 4.15 “Time In A Bottle”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on January 20th, 1988)

A homeless man who goes by the name of Humphrey Bogart (Henry Bal) is arrested for trying to steal a bottle of cheap wine from a liquor store.  The hard-nosed assistant D.A. (Robin Strasser) charges him with a felony.  Jonathan and Mark recruit Humphrey’s friend, Matthew (John Rubinstein), to defend him in court.  Matthew may be homeless but he’s also a lawyer!

It turns out that a corrupt city councilman (Alan Fudge) wants to crack down on the homeless because he wants to turn the homeless district into a commercial area.  If you already guessed that this episode ends with Matthew leading a march of homeless people into a city council meeting while they chant “We will be heard,” then you’ve obviously seen quite a few episodes of Highway to Heaven.

Highway to Heaven frequently did stories about the homeless and I really can’t criticize the show for that.  This was an issue that Michael Landon obviously cared a lot about and the show was usually so earnest and sincere that you could overlook just how heavy-handed it often was.  The homeless people on Highway to Heaven are always a lot more clean-cut and polite than the ones that I used to yell at me when I worked in downtown Dallas.  On Highway to Heaven, the homeless are always funny and philosophical and they have wonderful lessons to teach everyone.  In Dallas, they come up to your car window while you’re stuck in traffic.  In order to visit my aunt when she was dying at Medical City last month, I had to endure being shouted at and occasionally threatened by all sorts of people.  By the end of it, I was running red lights because paying a fine was less annoying than having that guy whole lived at the Forest/Central intersection calling me the C-word while I was waiting for the light to change.

(That’s not say that the homeless should not be treated with compassion or helped because they certainly should.  I’m just saying that this habit that some people have of idealizing and infantilizing anyone living on the streets is, in many ways, as destructive as just ignoring the problem.)

As for this episode, it was a bit too preachy for its own good.  And I know what you’re going to say.  “It’s Highway to Heaven, it’s always preachy.”  That’s true to an extent but the first three seasons were also a bit less self-righteous than the fourth season has been.  The first three seasons featured characters who were often misguided but who were also capable of being redeemed.  In the past, this episode would have been about the city councilman seeing the error of his ways.  This season, though, the city councilman is just evil because he is.  It’s a far more heavy-handed approach to take and, as a result, far less effective.

This is another episode where one impassioned speech manages to change everyone’s mind.  If only things were as simple in the real world.

Retro Television Review: The Decoy 1.5 “Dream Fix”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Decoy, which aired in Syndication in 1957 and 1958.  The show can be viewed on Tubi!

This week, Casey goes after a drug dealer.

Episode 1.5 “Dream Fix”

(Dir by Teddy Sills, originally aired on November 11th, 1957)

This week’s episode opens with Casey walking down a city street.  She tells us that she’s working Juvenile undercover, which apparently means that she just walks around the city and waits for a teenager to do something strange.  When she sees a teenage girl collapse on the sidewalk, Casey runs over to her and looks at the powder in her hand.  Casey tastes it.

“Heroin!” Casey snaps.

(How are cops always able to dip their fingers in random powers and then taste it without anything bad happening?  What if the cocaine turned out to be strychnine?  It just seems like a poor training and an unnecessary risk.)

Joanne Kittridge (Phyllis Newman) is indeed hooked on cocaine and heroin.  However, neither her rich father (Les Damon) or her attorney (Frank Bandimer) want her to work with the police to track down her dealer.  Her attorney arranges for Joanne to be sent to a rehab.  Casey’s lieutenant (played, in this episode, by Simon Oakland) assigns Casey to undercover as a nurse.

In the end, Joanne not only gets straight but she reveals that her drug dealer is her lawyer!  When the attorney pulls a gun on Joanne, Casey pulls her gun and shouts, “Freeze, police!”

This was a good episode, one that was well-acted by the entire cast and which featured Beverly Garland at her best.  (Garland even gets to show off some karate moves when she disarms the attorney.)  That said, it’s starting to bother me how almost all of Casey’s assignments seem to involve her pretending to be someone’s friend.  I get that she’s working undercover but it’s sometimes hard not to wonder what’s going to happen to people like Joanne after they realize that the only reason Casey talked to her in the first place was because someone ordered her to.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 1.11 “Rona’s Fling”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, the Bulls try to keep their season alive.

Episode 1.11 “Rona’s Fling”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on February 3rd, 1985)

Rona (Ruta Lee) has been Diane’s best friend and biggest supporter since she first appeared during 1st & Ten’s pilot.  And yet I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned her in any of my review because her character just wasn’t that interesting.  She was a sarcastic society maven who was always drinking.  She was a bit of a sitcom cliche and I didn’t really see any need to waste a lot time on her character.

This episode, however, opens with Rona getting out of rehab.  She’s stopped drinking!  And she’s also met a guy, a fellow alcoholic.  Tim (Will Bledsoe) is a young and handsome and he and Rona have great sex.  Tim is also the Bulls’s new punter!  With Tim on the team, the Bulls are guaranteed to make it to the playoffs!  (I never knew punters were so important.)

Meanwhile, the Arcola Brothers are also determined to make sure the Bulls make it to the playoffs.  They bribe a referee.

The referee, however, is knocked out early in the game when two plays collide with him.  However, the Bulls win the game on their own, no doubt thanks to Tim and his amazing punting abilities!  Rona would be happy except she’s recently learned that Tim is married.  Tim was separated when he went into rehab but, once he got out, his wife fell in love with him all over again.

And that’s pretty much the episode.  It wasn’t a bad episode, even if the whole thing with the referee felt a bit anti-climatic.  Ruta Lee gave a good performance as Rona and I appreciated the fact that she was still sober at the end of the episode.  And, hey ….. The Bulls are going to the playoffs!

Thank God for the kicking team, I guess.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.18 and 6.19 “Isaac’s Aegean Affair/The Captain and The Kid/Poor Rich Man/ The Dean and the Flunkee”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, we have a special two-hour episode!

Episodes 6.18 and 6.19 “Isaac’s Aegean Affair/The Captain and The Kid/Poor Rich Man/ The Dean and the Flunkee”

(Dir by Alan Rafkin, originally aired on February 5th, 1983)

The Love Boat is going to Greece!

This is another one of those two-hour Love Boat episodes.  The crew is assigned to work a Greek cruise.  Love and sight-seeing follow.  Isaac, for instance, falls in love with a passenger named Reesa (Debbie Allen) and even resigns from the crew so that he can spend the rest of his life in Greece with her.  Unfortunately, Isaac forgets to ask Reesa ahead of time and, when Isaac returns to Reesa’s Greek flat, he discovers that she had reconciled with her husband (James A. Watson, Jr.).  It’s back to the Love Boat for Isaac!

Meanwhile, the graduating class of Captain Stubing’s old college is holding their graduation ceremony at the ruins of a Greek temple.  The class  valedictorian (Jameson Parker) give a speech in which he shows appreciation to his Greek aunt (Eva Marie Saint), even though he’s discovered that she’s not as a wealthy as he originally assumed she was.  The Dean (Eddie Albert) is finally convinced to give a makeup exam to a student (Leigh McCloskey) who missed his history final.  A teacher (Shirley Jones) finally agrees to marry the dean.  And Vicki briefly falls in love with a 16 year-old prodigy (Jimmy McNichol) and she gets engaged to him for about an hour or two.  Captain Stubing wonders how Vicki would be able to continue her education if she got married.  I’m wondering how she’s continuing her education while living and working on a cruise ship.

There was a lot going on in this episode but the true star of the show was the Greek scenery.  This episode was filmed on location and, as such, it’s basically a travelogue.  Fortunately, Greece looks beautiful!  Seriously, the 2-hour, on-location episodes of The Love Boat must have been a blast to shoot.

This week?  This week was probably a 10 out of 10 on the How Coked Up Was Julie Scale but hey, she was in Greece.  She had every right to live a little.

Now, I want to take a cruise!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.21 “The Last Ride”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, wild things are happening in Malibu.

Episode 2.21 “The Last Ride”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on April 13th, 1997)

Mahmoud (Shaun Toub) has promised everyone that he will be going straight as soon as he completes his community service.  However, we all know better than to trust Mahmoud!  It turns out that he’s gotten involved in an elaborate con job to sell Malibu Pier to some naive investors.  Oh, that Mahmoud!

What was that?  What did you ask?  Oh, who is Mahmoud?

I asked that exact same question when I watched this episode.  I had no idea who Mahmoud was or why exactly he was at the center of an episode of a show about bicycle cops.  Chris and Cory did show up occasionally to harass him but, still, it really did seem like Mahmoud belonged on a different show.  After this episode ended, I did a search of my previous reviews and discovered that Mahmoud actually has appeared on the show before.  As a vendor on the beach, he sold Chris a necklace that made her neck turn green.  But that was about eight episodes ago and it was a rather minor subplot, all things considered.

As for Mahmoud in this episode, he was annoying.  His dialogue was overwritten, his story felt cartoonish, and Shaun Taub’s overacting didn’t help things.  Still, it’s interesting to think that the regular characters were so boring that the show’s writers decided they would rather do a show about a minor supporting character than actually try to come up with anything for Chris and Cory to do.

The episode’s other subplot actually does feature the bicycle cops.  Victor’s childhood friend has been released from prison and is now the head of a violent car theft ring.  Victor is forced to deal with his own guilt over being a juvenile delinquent as he and TC try to take down the car thieves.  This was pretty standard stuff but it did feature one scene that was just stupid enough to be entertaining.  With the car thieves opening fire on them, Victor and TC ride their bikes straight toward the thieves.  Eventually they both stand up on their still-moving bikes and, leaning forward against the handle bars, they start shooting their guns back at the bad guys.  Somehow, they’re able to do this and aim well-enough to take out the car thieves while also keeping their bikes rolling forward.  (TC does get shot but it turns out the bullet only grazed his forehead.  “He’ll just have a headache for a while,” Chris says.  Yeah, I would think so.)  This is one of those moments that would have been really badass if not for the fact that Victor and TC were still wearing their dorky bike cop uniforms during it.  The blue shorts, the white polo shirts, the bicycle helmets — sorry, you just can’t look cool when you’re wearing all that.  Nice try, guys!

Next week, season 2 ends!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.11 “Games People Play/The Sweet Life”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

“Smiles, everyone …. SMILES, DAMMIT!”

Episode 7.11 “Games People Play/The Sweet Life”

(Dir by Cliff Bole and Don Weiss, originally aired on January 14th, 1984)

Three women who all work for a toy company come to Fantasy Island.  Nora Leonard (Lynda Day George) has closed off her heart after getting hurt in too many past relationships.  Barbara Jessup (Jenilee Harrison) wants her boss to look past her appearance and realize that she really does have a brain to go with her beauty.  Sandy Hoffman (Berlinda Tolbert) wants to have the courage to present her ideas….

Oh hey, it’s a Wizard of Oz thing!  Except it’s not.  There’s no Dorothy and there’s no Toto.  There’s a corporate spy named Steven Curry (John McCook), who wants the details of the company’s new video game and who also falls for Nora.  And there’s Dick York as Mr. Sutton, who wears a bowtie as all toy company execs do.

What there is not is an interesting fantasy.  Even with three separate fantasies in one, this storyline was pretty blah.  Everyone seemed a bit bored, even the usually dependable Lynda Day George.

The other fantasy was slightly more interesting, but only because it featured the great character actor Kevin McCarthy as Daniel Koster.  Daniel wanted to give his wife and his children the lifestyle they could have had if Daniel had been rich.  In fact, Daniel sent his family to Fantasy Island ahead of him so that they could enjoy being rich without him around.  (What?)  I was always under the impression that guests at the Island only stayed for a weekend.  Daniel comes to the Island and discovers that his family appears to be very happy, even if his son is still writing bad poetry.  (There’s no money in poetry, Daniel gruffly explains and, as a poet, I can say that’s very true.)  Along with his son’s rhyming habits, Daniel has other things to deal with, like his bad heart.

In fact, Daniel dies of a heart attack while on the Island but not before realizing that his family always loved him, even if they weren’t rich.  Having Daniel die was depressing.  What made it even worse is that Roarke apparently knew Daniel was probably going to die on the Island but he didn’t really seem to do anything to try to prevent it from happening.  Instead, he just made a bunch of cryptic comments to Lawrence about how Daniel’s weekend on Fantasy Island could be his last.  Lawrence looked concerned but didn’t do anything to help.  Why is Lawrence even there?

Eh, this episode.  I always enjoy watching Kevin McCarthy and he gives a typically solid performance but otherwise, this was a disappointing trip to the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.14 “Ponch’s Angels: Part 1”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, Ponch protests having to do his job.

Episode 4.14 “Ponch’s Angels: Part 1”

(Dir by John Florea, originally aired on February 28th, 1981)

It’s a busy week for the Highway Patrol!  The marina is full of tourists and carnival-goers.  A group of escaped convicts are trying to get out of town.  A man and his partner are stealing purses.  But all of that pales in comparison to what Jon and Ponch are having to do.

Jon and Ponch are having to train rookies!

Even worse, from their perspective …. the rookies are women!

Ponch protests when he’s given the assignment to train enthusiastic and blonde Melanie Mitchell (Trisha Townsend).  He tells Getraer that Melanie is attractive and that Getraer knows what happens when Ponch gets around attractive women.  Getraer replies that he wants Ponch to train Melanie precisely because Ponch has so many girlfriends.  A man with many girlfriends will be less likely to be tempted.  Okay, Getraer, that’s interesting logic….

And it turns out that Getraer doesn’t know what he’s talking about because this episode ends with Ponch and Melania passionately locking lips.  “TO BE CONTINUED” flashes on the screen so I guess we’ll get to the disciplinary hearing and the subsequent lawsuit next week.

As for Jon, he trains Paula Woods (Barbara Stock), who is as cool and reasonable as Melanie is enthusiastic and impulsive.  Paula tries to flirt with Jon but Jon keeps it all business because Jon is capable of actually doing his job in a professional manner.

What’s odd about this episode is that it’s called Ponch’s Angels, even though Ponch is only training one of the new motorcycle cops.  This season, even the episode titles were all about erasing Jon Baker!

Anyway, as I mentioned, this is the first part of a two-parter.  Apparently, this episode was actually a backdoor pilot for a series that would have focused on Melanie and Paula and it’s easy to see that Melanie was created to be another Ponch while Paula was created to be a female Jon.  Next week, we’ll see if Paula and Melanie can make use of the lessons they were taught by Jon and Ponch.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 4.21 “Deliver Us From Evil”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Caitlin makes a fateful return to Miami, an old enemy emerges from the shadows, and Crockett crosses a line that he never thought he would cross.  Will he ever be able to come back?

Episode 4.21 “Deliver Us From Evil”

(Dir by George Mendeluk, originally aired on April 29th, 1989)

At the end of this week’s episode, Crockett executes a man in cold blood!

Whoa!

Now, I should note that the guy that Crockett killed was really, really bad.  Frank Hackman (Guy Boyd) was a hitman who was previously on Death Row for killing one of Crockett’s former partners.  Hackman, who was pretending to be born again and seeking redemption, tricked Crockett into “proving” his innocence and getting his conviction overturned.  Only as Frank left the prison did he smirk at Crockett and reveal that all of the “new” evidence was faked.  It was one of Miami Vice’s darkest episodes.

Frank went back to his old ways, committing crimes and killing families.  Crockett made it his mission to take down Frank but, during a shootout with Frank’s gang, Frank’s wife was caught in the crossfire.  Crockett blamed himself, even though the bullet that killed her came from Frank’s gun.  Frank also blamed Crockett and, while Crockett was struggling with whether or not he wanted to remain a member of the Vice Squd, Frank plotted his revenge.

Caitlin Davies, Crockett’s wife, returned from her European tour.  Unfortunately, her homecoming concert was abruptly ended when she was shot by a sniper.  She died in Crockett’s arms, bringing to an end a marriage that never really made much sense to begin with.

Crockett spent a few days drinking on his boat and then rejoined the Vice Squad, determined to track down Frank.  Castillo did that thing where he narrowed his eyes and looked vaguely concerned but he still allowed Crockett to work the case.  After Crockett and Tubbs learned that Frank was living on a nearby island, Crockett confronted him alone.

“You wouldn’t shoot an unarmed man,” Frank said, smiling while lounging by the pool.

BANG!

Frank was wrong.

It was a powerful moment but one that was diminished by one final shot that showed Frank had been holding a gun in his hand when he was shot.  From what I’ve been able to uncover online, this was apparently added at the insistence of the network, who did not want Crockett to become a cold-blooded killer.  I doubt that would be an issue for the networks today.

Season 4 has been pretty uneven but this was a powerful episode.  As it ended, it definitely seemed as if Crockett had crossed  a line and that he would never again be the same.  Who knows what that might mean for next week’s season finale?

We’ll find out!