Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.1 “The Face”

Posted on March 27, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, we start the second season of Monsters!

Episode 2.1 “The Face”

(Dir by Allen Coulter, originally aired on October 1st, 1989)

The second season of Monsters opens with two redneck brother, Ray (Gregory Grove) and Clifford (Gary Roberts), breaking into a house that is owned by an old widow (Imogene Coca). Because the woman is known for paying for everything in cash and doesn’t even have a bank account, the brothers suspect that she has a fortune stashed away somewhere in the house. (I’m not really sure how the brothers know that she doesn’t have a bank account and, for that matter, neither one of them really come across like they could open a bank account either. Maybe just don’t judge people on whether or not they have a bank account, you know?) When the dumbass brothers stumble across the woman in her bedroom, a struggle leads to Ray suffocating her but not before she bites a chunk out of his hand.

The wound on Ray’s hand refuses to heal. Instead, it starts to resemble the face of the old woman and soon, Ray is hearing her voice and the wound itself appears to be talking. Yikes! Is Ray being driven mad by his own guilt and paranoia or is the woman’s spirit truly haunting him? And will Ray ever be able to get the voice to stop or will he end up doing something unthinkable to his hand?

Either way, that talking hand wound is not particularly pleasant to look at. The second season premiere of Monsters takes it cue from both the body horror of David Cronenberg and the comedic grotesquerie of Sam Raimi and that means that we get a lot of closeups of Ray’s bloody hand and we also see every detail of the lengths that Ray goes to try to silence the wound. I started this episode cringing and, by the end of it, I had my own hands over my eyes because some of the imagery was just way too …. icky.

While the imagery was undeniably effective in its nauseating way, the overall story really didn’t carry much of an impact. Ray and Clifford were both such idiots that it was difficult to really care about any story involving them. In the end, they weren’t even interesting enough to make their downfall fun to watch. This episode worked best as an example of gross-out horror and, if I had to guess, I think the episode’s main aim was to let viewers know that season 2 was going to be even more graphic than season one. The episode makes for a fine highlight real for the show’s VFX and makeup teams but, as a story, it just falls flat.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.9 “She Stole His Heart/Return of the Captain’s Brother/Swag and Mag”

Posted on March 27, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Stubing Brothers are together again!

Episode 4.9 “She Stole His Heart/Return of the Captain’s Brother/Swag and Mag”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 8th, 1980)

This week, Captain Stubing’s no-good brother — Marshall Stubing — returns! That means that it is once again time for Gavin MacLeod to put on a toupee and a fake mustache and to play a dual role. (And, once again, he is credited as O.D. Warbux when playing Marshall.)

This time, Marshall is actually on the boat with the best of intentions. He wants to marry Natalie Martin (Arlene Dahl) and, amazingly enough, Natalie wants to marry him as well. Except — oh no! — it’s Zsa Zsa Gabor! Gabor plays Marshall’s ex-girlfriend. The character has a name but we’ll just call her Zsa Zsa because she’s basically playing herself. Marshall is certainly tempted by Zsa Zsa but, in the end, he does the right thing and he marries Natalie. In fact, the third Stubing brother, Milo Stubing (Sonny Wilde), shows up for the wedding. Wait a minute, Sonny Wilde? OH MY GOD, IT’S GAVIN MACLEOD IN ANOTHER WIG!

Gavin MacLeod plays three characters in this episode and let’s give him some credit. It’s all very, very silly and Zsa Zsa Gabor is not for everyone but Gavin MacLeond pulls it off. (Admittedly, there is one awkward scene where Merill has a conversation with Marshall and it’s obvious that no one told MacLeod where the other version of him would be standing so, as a result, Merrill appears to be looking over Marshall’s head while speaking to him but even that is kind of charming in its low-rent way.) Gavin MacLeod appears to be having fun in this episode and that was definitely the correct approach to take to this show. It keeps the story entertaining, even though not that much really happens with it.

As for the other stories …. eh, who cares? I mean, when you’ve got Gavin MacLeod talking to himself and Zsa Zsa Gabor making a grand entrance into every scene, do you need any other stories? Okay, okay, I’ll still talk about them, even though neither one is really that interesting.

Joan Van Ark plays a kleptomaniac from Oklahoma who falls for a psychologist played by Stephen Keep Mills. Whenever she flirts with him, she ends up walking away with his wallet or his wristwatch. Fortunately, they find romance and good mental health together. The doctor could have just called the police and had her arrested but that would have made for a depressing ending.

Darryl Brewster (Ron Ely) is Vicki’s favorite actor. He plays private detective Steve Swaggart on television. Swaggart can win any fight but when Darryl is challenged to a real fight by another passenger (William Boyett), Darryl ends up trying to pay the guy off. The passenger reveals Darryl is a coward and, for a while, everyone is disillusioned. But then Darryl gives a speech about the difference between playing a brawler and being one and everyone forgives him, including his agent and soon-to-be lover, Maggie (Erin Gray). The big problem here is that we’re asked to believe that Stubing would allow two passengers to schedule a fistfight on his ship without any repercussions. That would be the sort of thing that I think would get most captains fired. Obviously, Merrill was pre-occupied with his brothers but that’s really no excuse for putting the cruise line in legal jeopardy.

In short, it may be time to fire Stubing and let Gopher take over.

We’ll see if Stubing has gotten any better at his job next week.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 1.19 “Epilogue”

Posted on March 26, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

This week, Griff gets a storyline! Who? Oh yeah, Griff! He’s like the photographer who hangs out at the detective agency sometimes. He was played by Eddie Cibrian and he was listed in the opening credits so I guess he was supposed to be a major character, despite never doing or even saying anything.

Anyway, on to this week’s episode….

Episode 1.19 “Epilogue”

(Dir by Reza Badiyi, originally aired on April 27th, 1996)

Griff is concerned about his old friends, RJ (Jared Murphy) and Rene O’Gill (Julianne Morrs). Their mother has just recently died and Rene suspects that she was murdered by their stepfather, Robert Houston (Ben Murphy). RJ, meanwhile, is a junky for both adrenaline and amphetamines and his girlfriend, Candy (Carmen Electra), seems like she might be a bad influence. Both RJ and Rene are due to receive a good deal of money from their trust funds and, if anything happened to them, that money would go to Robert.

Wanting to learn the truth about her mother’s death, Rene hires Mitch and Ryan to investigate. Because Mitch is a terrible private eye, he decides to have Donna go undercover to discover if Robert is hiding anything. Keep in mind that Donna does not work for the detective agency, has got a club to run, is already training to become a lifeguard, and has absolutely no investigative experience. And, of course, it turns out that there really wasn’t any need to have Donna go undercover because, just as Mitch is terrible at investigating stuff, Robert is terrible at covering up the fact that he’s a murderer.

How does Mitch solve this case? When he discovers that someone has been calling Rene’s answering machine and getting her messages without her knowledge, Mitch says, “Dial Star 69.” That’s the extent of Mitch’s detective work in this episode.

(Answering machines and Star 69, could this show be any more of a product of the 90s?)

The main problem here is that the episode revolves around Griff and his romantic feelings for Rene but since Griff is a character who has only appeared in a handful of episodes and never really made much of an impression, it’s hard to really get either emotionally or mentally involved with his story. When RJ is killed during a jet ski race, Griff gets upset and blames Robert but again, we don’t know Griff, we don’t know RJ, and we don’t know Robert.

The best that can be said about this episode is that it features some fun flirtation between David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon, though not nearly enough. Probably the most interesting thing about this episode is that it tries to be noticeably more racy than previous episodes and the editing often feels so abrupt that it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that there was a more explicit version of the episode made for Europe. Carmen Electra plays a femme fatale here and she does do a good job of being playfully evil. Later, she would join the cast of regular Baywatch, playing a different character who didn’t murder anyone.

Next week …. oh, who knows? I just want to get to the second season already. That’s when all the aliens and undead Vikings start to show up.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.18 “The Searcher/The Way We Weren’t”

Posted on March 26, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

Oh my God, this week’s episode….

Episode 4.18 “The Searcher/The Way We Weren’t”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on March 7th, 1981)

This week’s episode was just silly and it’s going to be a struggle to even come up with the usual 500 words to say about it.

Fred Cooper (Jerry Van Dyke) is worried that married life is losing its spark so he wants to relive the early days of his marriage to Dottie (Laraine Stephens). After going through a magic time travel cloud, Fred and Dottie find themselves living in their old house, which they share with Fred’s aunt. Their neighbors are Vic (Jack Carter) and Myra Fletcher (Dawn Wells). Vic is Fred’s boss. He and Myra are also swingers! Apparently, Fred forgot about that but I have to wonder how anyone would forget that? Anyway, Vic offers Fred a promotion but only if Fred will allow Vic to sleep with Dottie. Fred responds by punching Vic out while Vic is hosting a Swingers Convention on Fantasy Island. (Tattoo must have been very happy this week.) Vic realizes that he was in the wrong and Fred still gets his promotion. But is it a real promotion or just a fantasy promotion? Seriously, what the Hell is going on here?

Meanwhile, young heiress Karen Saunders-Holmes (Laurette Spang) comes to the island with her husband, Brian (James Darren). Brian thinks that they’re just on their honeymoon but Karen actually has a fantasy. She wants to be reunited with her father, a man named Noah who supposedly abandoned her when she was an infant and whom she has never met. Mr. Roarke arranges for Noah (Paul Burke) to be released from prison for the weekend and….

PRISON!? Yep, Noah is a convicted murderer and has spent the last two decades in a prison camp. Noah claims that he was innocent of the crime. Anyway, Mr. Roarke introduces Noah to Karen and Brian and says that Noah will be their guide on the Island….

Brian freaks out! It turns out that Brian is actually the man who Noah was framed for murdering. Brian went off and got plastic surgery after faking his own murder, which is why Noah doesn’t recognize him. But Noah soon learns the truth when Brian tricks him into entering a bog of quicksand!

Does Noah survive the quicksand? He does but we’re never told how. Does Brian then freak out and run into the quicksand as well? Of course. Fantasy Island is such a dangerous place!

This was a silly episode. Brian apparently not only had plastic surgery to change his face but also to reduce his age because there was no way he was old enough to a contemporary of Noah’s. And for the swinger’s convention on Fantasy Island …. I mean, what? Mr. Roarke is suddenly okay with a big key party on his Island? How do you forget that you used to live next door to a swinging couple? Like I said, this was just silly. One fantasy features Jerry Van Dyke being way too goofy and the other features James Darren being way to obviously sinister. Neither worked.

So far, the fourth season has really been a mixed bag, hasn’t it? Hopefully, things will improve next week.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 1.19 “Crash Diet”

Posted on March 25, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Ponch gets to be a hero! Take that, Baker!

Episode 1.19 “Crash Diet”

(Dir by Don McDougall, originally aired on February 23rd, 1978)

There’s a madman on the freeway and his name is Leonard!

Leonard (Herman Poppe) is a veteran who suffered a traumatic brain injury while serving in Vietnam. He returned home and was making good progress until his wife was killed in a car accident. (Leonard was the one driving.) Leonard now hates cars and, after running away from both his sister’s house and the VA hospital, Leonard sets up camp off the highway. Occasionally, he’ll jump out of the shadows and throw dirt at a motorist. Leonard isn’t trying to hurt anyone but those big clumps of dirt take people by surprise. When he throws a clump of dirt at Ponch, the cops get involved.

Ponch makes it his mission to find Leonard and help him get the help that he needs. And, for once, Ponch manages to do just that. Yay Ponch! Yet, it seems odd that Baker would not be more involved with this case, as it has previously been established that Baker is also a vet and that he also served in Vietnam. One would think that Baker would be somewhat invested in helping Leonard but, in this episode, Baker is mostly along for the ride.

Maybe Baker is preoccupied with the nude volleyball team that he met at the start of the episode. When he and Ponch pulled over a van to give the driver a ticket, they were shocked to discover that the van was full of naked women. It turns out that the local naturalist community has their own volleyball league and the women are all players. Later, Baker and Ponch come across the now-clothed women playing in the park. Ponch and Baker play a game and totally get their asses kicked. That was satisfying to watch.

Meanwhile, Division wants each precinct to lost a total of 1,000 pounds by the end of the week. (It’s like the Weight Loss episode of The Office.) Officer Grossman (Paul Linke) worries that he won’t be able to lose 18 pounds in time. Baker and Ponch each agree to lose an extra five pounds so Grossman will only have to lose 8. Awwww! Then they pull a prank that makes Getraer think that he’s gained 10 pounds. That was kind of mean but I guess Getraer deserved it for …. for what? Trying to make everyone eat healthy and take care of their bodies?

This episode was a mixed bag. The show’s trademark chases were pretty lackluster this week. But I thought Leonard’s story was well-handled, well-intentioned, and sensitively acted. (Yes, even by Erik Estrada.) As well, Paul Linke had some funny moments as Grossman. This episode may not have been CHiPs at its best but it was still an entertaining 40 minutes.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 2.7 “Junk Love”

Posted on March 25, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Sonny and Rico somehow still manage to work undercover.

Episode 2.7 “Junk Love”

(Dir by Michael O’Herlihy, originally aired on November 8th, 1985)

“What’s a four letter word for dirt?” Switek asks, while on a stakeout.

“Mud,” Zito offers before correcting himself, “I mean …. sand!”

However, according to Switek, the correct answer is Vice!

And indeed, there’s a lot of dirt to be found in this week’s rather sordid episode of Miami Vice. A raid on a brothel leads the Vice Squad to arrest a notorious smuggler and pimp named Ivory Jones (legendary Jazz musician, Miles Davis) and one of Ivory’s girls, a strung-out junkie named Rosella (Ely Pouget). When they find out that Rosella is apparently the girlfriend of a notorious dealer named Juan Carlos Silva (Jose Perez), they decide to use her and Ivory to take Silva down. While Tubbs is convinced that Rosella will say anything get her next fix, Crockett is convinced that Rosella is someone who truly wants to change her life. Hmmm …. isn’t Crockett usually the cynical one?

Silva is sexually obsessed with Rosella, to the extent that he’ll even kill the members of his own organization if he thinks they’re interested in her. The episode’s twist comes towards the end, when Gina does some research and discovers that Silva is not only Rosella’s lover but also her …. ick! …. father! Ewwwww! As with so many episodes of Miami Vice, Junk Love ends with Sonny watching helplessly as a victimized woman throws away her freedom so that she can shoot her tormenter. Miami Vice was a show that always managed to be downbeat, even when the bad guys met a deserved end.

This episode felt like an attempt to recreate the emotional drama of the season one episode that featured Bruce Willis as an arms dealer with an abused wife. Both episodes even feature the same basic ending, just with the setting moved from the courthouse steps to a yacht. Unfortunately, this episode doesn’t work anywhere half as well as any of the episodes that aired during the first season. Jose Perez may be playing an evil character but he simply does not have an intimidating enough screen presence to be convincing in the role. Miles Davis, meanwhile, delivers his lines convincingly enough but his character disappears in such a way that it almost feels as if he left the set before all of his scenes were filmed.

The main thing that I found myself thinking about, as I watched this episode, was how could Sonny Crockett and Rico Tubbs still convincingly go undercover after two years of busting drug kingpin after drug kingpin. You would think the entire Miami underworld would be on the lookout for them. Instead, Sonny is still somehow convincing everyone that he’s actually “Sonny Burnett,” aspiring drug dealer. I’m starting to think the criminals in Miami might not be that smart.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi Junior High 2.10 “Censored”

Posted on March 24, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, Degrassi tackles freedom of the press and freedom of lockers.

Episode 2.10 “Censored”

(Dir by Mike Douglas, originally aired on March 7th, 1988)

The inside of Joey’s locker is covered with pin-ups. When L.D. and Alexa walk by and see Joey, Wheels, and Snake rating the pin-ups, L.D. is offended while Alexa is amused. (Alexa, I have to admit, has become the character to whom I relate on this show.) When Joey the announces that he would only rate L.D. “a four,” L.D. responds by covering the inside of her locker with pictures of half-naked men. L.D. then goes to the principal to complain about Joey’s pin-ups. When Joey gets in trouble, he complains about L.D.’s locker. In the end, both Joey and L.D. end up in school suspension together. Awwwwww!

However, that’s not the only case of censorship in this episode! When Caitlin overhears the principal talking to two parents who want Spike to be forbidden to attend school until she gives birth, Caitlin decides to use the power of the press. She writes an editorial called “Keep Spike At Degrassi,” in which she announces that everyone knows that Spike is pregnant and that Spike should be allowed to continue to go to class. Everyone who reads it says that it’s the best thing that Caitlin has even written but Mr. Radish, the faculty advisor to the school newspaper, announces that it is a violation of school policy and that it can’t be published. So, Caitlin decides to print up several copies of the editorial and then just hand them out to students in the hallway.

Now, you may have noticed that Caitlin did not talk to Spike before writing or printing up her editorial. And, to Caitlin’s shock, Spike is not at all happy about the editorial, explaining that she’s under enough stress without everyone at the school reading about her life. Spike feels that Caitlin used her and Spike is totally correct. Everyone tells Caitlin that she’s a great writer and she’s a hero for standing up to the school administration but Spike is still pretty much alone and isolated at school. The episode ends with a classic depressing Degrassi freeze frame, this time of Spike walking up the school’s front steps and looking totally alone.

With this episode, Caitlin becomes the first of many crusading journalists to pass through the halls of Degrassi. What sets this story apart from future episodes about the school newspaper is its willingness to admit that not all issues are as a simple as they originally appear. I appreciated the fact that Spike was given a chance to call out Caitlin for essentially using Spike’s problems to promote herself and I liked the fact that the show didn’t pretend like there was some sort of easy or perfect solution for any of the issues that both Spike and Caitlin were dealing with.

Degrassi Junior High has often been called the most realistic and honest teen show ever made and episodes like this one show why.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out! 2.21 “Jack Be Numbskull”

Posted on March 23, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week’s episode defies description. Read on.

Episode 2.21 “Jack Be Numbskull”

(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on March 5th, 1986)

Awwww, look how cute these two are!

After an office party, Marlene and Christian go home together. The next morning, Christian has decided that he is totally in love with Marlene while Marlene will do just about anything to get Christian to stop bothering her with his romantic declarations. (In real life, Kathleen Laskey and Jeff Pustil have been married since 1990.)

Marlene’s solution to her Christian problem is to invite her ex-boyfriend, the brutish Bruno (Eric Keenleyside), to the store and to tell him to threaten to beat up Christian, just to scare him off. Marlene doesn’t want Bruno to actually hurt anyone, of course.

Bruno, however, mistakes Howard for Christian and threatens him. When Howard makes a sarcastic comment about how he is going to fight Bruno in the alley, a visiting Mrs. Cobb (Barbara Hamilton) overhears and decides that sponsoring a boxing match between Bruno and an employee will be the perfect way to advertise Ka-Blam, a vitamin supplement that is so powerful that it’s sold in a container that looks like a hand grenade. Mrs. Cobb also decides that Bruno will be Mr. Ka-Blam.

So, to make clear:

Mrs. Cobb thinks it will be a good idea to have a fight in one of her stores
Mrs. Cobb thinks hiring a violent criminal to be a store mascot is a good idea
Mrs. Cobb wants to have Bruno beat up one of her store managers
Mrs. Cobb wants the manager to get beaten up while the customers watch.

Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense to me, either.

A few hours before the boxing match, Howard breaks his hand so he has to find a replacement to fight Bruno. Christian volunteers.

Christian is not much of a fighter but he impresses everyone with his refusal to surrender or throw in the towel. However, after an illegal blow sends Christian to the canvas, Howard rushes into the ring and punches Bruno in the stomach and then knocks him out with an uppercut. Wait a minute, I thought Howard’s hand was broken….

This episode was just silly. It was so silly that it almost worked, just on the basis of weirdness alone. The action played out like a fever dream and logic was abandoned early on and perhaps that was for the best. This episode was so strange that it defies a traditional review but I will say that Christian and Marlene did make for a cute couple so I hope this is something that the show continued to explore.

Next week, the first season comes to a close!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 3/17/24 — 3/23/24

Posted on March 23, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

I’m now caught up with Abbott Elementary. Season 3 has been a bit rocky for me and, as I watched the latest episode on Thursday morning, I realized that it really did come down to the fact that it seems as if Abbott is running the risk of losing its edge. The celebrity cameos are nice and often funny but they also take the viewers out of the reality of the show. I’m also still not a fan of Janine working for the District. I love teachers but I cannot stand bureaucrats. I also think, after three seasons, it might be time for Gregory to stop looking stunned by everything. It was funny at first but now, it’s just coming across as being a bit lazy.

That said, when this show works, it really does work. Mr. Johnson debating how AI will effect the future of janitoring made me laugh so hard that I had to get a drink of water to stop myself from choking to death.

Blind Date (YouTube)

I watched two episodes on Tuesday afternoon. No one found love.

Chappelle’s Show (Netflix)

On Sunday, I watched an episode in which Wayne Brady took over Dave Chappelle’s Show. Dave later talked about the time Wayne forced him to smoke crystal meth and murdered at least three people. It made me laugh.

Dirty Pair Flash (YouTube)

On Friday, I watched an episode in which the two main characters had to hide out at a private school, one that was haunted by a ghost. I related to Yuri’s enthusiasm.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

On Tuesday afternoon, I watched an episode in which Phil talked to a white kid from the suburbs who thought he was a gangster. A real-life former gangster was brought on to talk to him about the “realities” of life on the street. I’ve never heard so much psycho-babble in my life.

The N.Y. Friars Club Roast of Chevy Chase (YouTube)

I read about this infamous 2002 Roast on Wednesday so I decided to watch it on Thursday. It’s true that the humor was brutal. I thought the roast of Michael Scott on The Office was brutal but it was nothing compared to what Chevy Chase was put through. It was kind of obvious that everyone involved had been waiting for a chance to let the world know how much they hated Chevy Chase. It was …. awkward. I’m just not a huge fan of the whole roast thing. It just seems mean!

Jenny Jones (YouTube)

On Monday, I watched a 1992 episode of this talk show. Easily flustered host Jenny Jones talked to teenage girls who were dating older boys and basically made things awkward by asking them to tell her and the entire audience about their first time.

The Phil Donahue Show (YouTube)

On Monday, I watched a 1993 episode of this ancient talk show. The pompous host talked to girls who were dating older men. Everyone was amazingly inarticulate.

Quiet On The Set (Max)

A four-part docuseries, Quiet On The Set took a look at the rise (and eventual fall) of Nickelodeon and television producer Dan Schneider. The centerpiece of the series was an episode-long interview with Drake Bell, in which he bravely discussed being sexually abused by Brian Peck, who was one of three Nickelodeon employees to be convicted of child sexual abuse over a short period of time.

While Drake was compelling and the series did a good job of detailing the toxic atmosphere on many of Schneider’s shows, the series also featured a few too many journalists and a few too many interviews with other former child stars who came across like they were mostly annoyed that their careers fizzled out. Dan Schneider comes across as being a terrible boss and a selfish human being but, at the same time, the series started out with an agenda and sometimes, I wondered how much of the narrative was shaped to fit that agenda.

In the end, the main thing I took away from watching this docuseries was the Nickelodeon really was as creepy as I always kind of suspected it of being.

Rollergames (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this old show on Saturday morning. The roller derby was brutal!

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Monday, I watched a two-part episode from 1993. Sally interviewed teen girls who were sexually active and basically spent two hours scolding them, There was also an army of virgins in the audience who would say stuff like, “I am a virgin,” and the audience would go crazy. It all felt very weird and judgmental. For someone who claimed to be a feminist, Sally sure was quick to judge her guests.

Trisha Goddard Show (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this talk show (which I had never heard of before) on Sunday night. Trisha Goddard, who was a kind of annoying British woman, talked to a 68 year-old woman whose deceased son was thought to be the father of two 27 year-old women. For some reason, a psychic was brought out to give her opinion. “I’m sensing the number three,” she said, for reasons that were never explained.

I watched another episode on Wednesday. It featured a man who refused to accept that he was the father of his ex-partner’s baby, even after a DNA test proved that he was. “That test could have been doctored!” he yelled while the audience gasped in shock.

Watched And Reviewed Elsewhere:

Baywatch Nights

Changing Patterns

Check It Out — Review to come shortly (unless I fall asleep)

CHiPs

Fantasy Island

Friday the 13th: The Series

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.14 “Epstein’s Madonna”

Posted on March 23, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Epstein is finally the center of the action. Unfortunately, the episode doesn’t really take advantage of the character and all of his possibilities.

Episode 3.14 “Epstein’s Madonna”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on December 8th, 1977)

For his art project, Epstein paints a picture of a naked woman on the outside wall of Buchanan High. (Actually, it stretches out across two walls.) The Sweathogs are impressed. The local media wants to do a story on the painting. Epstein is proud of himself. Woodman is offended, even after Gabe points out that Botticelli also painted nudes.

“Botticelli,” Woodman replies, “didn’t paint a nude with Born To Boogie tattooed on her thigh!”

Gabe is all about defending Esptein’s right to express himself …. up until he realizes why the painting looks so familiar to him. As Epstein explains it, he put Julie’s head on Debbie Del Vecchio’s body. Gabe likes the body but he’s less happy about Julie’s face staring at him from the wall. And it must be said that the painted Julie looks even more annoyed with Gabe than the real-life Julie.

Julie, surprisingly enough, is flattered. That’s not really the reaction that one would expect from Julie, who is usually a lot more uptight. But, after being married to Gabe for five years or however long they’ve been together, Julie is probably just happy to know that there are still other options out there for her. Seriously, Julie …. Epstein takes care of his family and he has that cute gap between his front teeth.

Does Gabe deface Epstein’s artwork? Though tempted, he does not. Someone else does and there’s some confusion when Gabe is caught holding the spray-paint can but that’s all forgotten when the other Sweathogs jump in to help fix the painting. Good for them! Epstein passes his class, the painting gets to say on the wall for a week, and …. well, that’s it. Wow, that wasn’t a very consequential episode.

“Lisa, what about the jokes!?”

Oh yeah! Gabe tells Julie about his Cousin Janet, who lied about being pregnant and seriously injured so that her parents would be less upset about the D she got in English. He also talks about his Uncle Willie who used his resemblance to Jimmy Cagney to get laid. Julie was amused by both jokes, which I think was a record for her.

This episode really didn’t have much going on. In the first season, Gabe would have had a semi-serious heart-to-heart talk with Epstein about his love for art and it would have been touching. But, in the third season, the show was more about catch phrases and audience applause than teaching life lessons. It’s a shame because Robert Hegyes usually did a pretty good job as the tough but secretly sensitive Juan Epstein. This episode has to be considered a bit of a missed opportunity.