Heavens to Betsy”

Posted on July 30, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, a woman struggles to forgive the son of a man who killed her husband. Two women and a reverend try to balance attraction with the questions of faith. And Gopher gets stuck in a suit of armor….

LOVE! Exciting and new!

Episode 6.10 “The Man In The Iron Shorts/The Victims/Heavens to Betsy”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on November 27th, 1982)

Gopher’s latest girlfriend, Gail (Taylor Miller), is on this week’s cruise. She’s a history teacher and Gopher decides that the best way to impress her would be …. okay, I can’t believe I’m about to type this …. buy a suit of armor and surprise her by wearing it on the boat. With Isaac’s help, he puts on the armor but — oh no! — he gets stuck in the armor. He has wear his purser’s uniform over the armor. The captain notes that Gopher has gained some weight and puts him on an exercise program….

There have been a lot of silly plotlines on The Love Boat but none as silly as this. The problem is that it never makes sense that Gopher would have a suit of armor in the first place. There a lot of presents that you can give someone who loves to study and talk about history. I know this because I’m a history nerd myself. A suit of armor, though, requires a bit too much of a suspension of disbelief, It goes from being silly to being just stupid.

It also doesn’t fit in with the episode’s other big storyline, in which Webb Jones Jr. (Laurence Lau) fell in love with Vanessa Heinsely (Denise Miller). The only problem is that Webb’s father was the drunk driver who killed Vanessa’s father. Vanessa’s mother (played by Ruth Warrick) struggles to forgive Webb for the sins of his his father. Luckily, Captain Stubing — a recovering alcoholic himself — is there to help. This was a serious story about a serious subject and all of the actors handled it well. But it seemed out-of-place when mixed with scenes of Gopher trying to hide the fact that he was wearing a suit of armor.

Finally, Janine Turner and Sharon Gabet played two women who had a crush on a reverend (Robert Pine, the sergeant from CHiPs.) Robert Pine was charming but it was hard not to feel as if Julie needed the reverend more than the two women. At the very least, he could have gotten her off the cocaine and maybe he could have even convinced her to do something about her hair.

(Seriously, Julie’s hair has looked terrible this season!)

The good news is that Gopher eventually got out of that suit of honor and Vanessa and Webb managed to find love. Even an uneven episode of The Love Boat usually has a happy ending and really, that’s all I want.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.13 “Outlaw Blues”

Posted on July 29, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, there’s way too much happening on the Boardwalk.

Episode 2.13 “Outlaw Express”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on December 8th, 1996)

Mahmoud (Shaun Toub) is selling cheap jewelry on the boardwalk. He gives Chris a “silver” necklace that makes her neck turn green. Uh-oh, someone’s allergic to tin!

Palermo’s daughter is hanging out with some extreme athletes who are pressuring her to take part in increasingly dangerous pranks on the boardwalk so that they can film them for their web site!

Two criminals are hijacking trucks and then forcing merchants to sell stolen goods! When they see that one truck driver is wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt, they shoot him in the back and then tell him, “Say hi to Jerry for me.” (I’m guessing they were referring to Jerry Garcia and not Jerry Springer but who knows with this show.)

Finally, Victor’s mother is staying at his apartment which means Victor can’t get laid!

Wow, there’s a lot to deal with this week. When a show tries to juggle this many plots, it really does remind you of the importance of having clearly defined and compelling characters. Pacific Blue doesn’t have any of that so this episode kind of sucked. We are 24 episodes into this stupid show and I still can’t tell the difference between Victor, TC, and Palermo whenever they’re riding their bikes. That’s a problem. 24 episodes in and Chris still doesn’t have a personality beyond being annoyed by everyone she talks to. That’s another problem.

(“I didn’t catch your first name Officer Kelly,” Mahmoud says. “Officer,” Chris replies, deploying the power glare.)

Seriously, just think about how much it would suck to be a victim of the crime, call 911, and then have these douchebags show up.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.3 “Nurses Night Out”

Posted on July 29, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, three nurses are brought to the Island by one grateful benefactor.

Episode 7.3 “Nurses Night Out”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on October 22nd, 1983)

Wealthy George Galloway (Peter Graves) has recently been discharged from the hospital and he wants to give a present to the three nurses that took care of him. He pays for all of them to come to Fantasy Island and experience a fantasy.

Christine Donavon (Joanna Cassidy) wants the capable but abrasive Dr. Mark Reed (Monte Markham) to experience what it’s like to be a patient so that he might understand what it’s like having to deal with the uncertainty of being in a hospital. However, Christine comes to discover that Dr. Reed isn’t that bad and Dr. Reed comes to realize that perhaps he could be a bit kinder. Love is in the air!

Tracy Freemont (Pat Klous) wants to hook up with quarterback Crash McGowan (Brodie Greer, who I’m also currently watching as Officer Barizca on CHiPs). Crash was a patient at the hospital and Tracy was his night nurse. Crash likes Tracy but, as he explains it to Mr. Roarke, he’s currently under a lot of pressure to win football game and, as a result, he’s impotent. Maybe Crash should just ask for a fantasy where he’s not impotent for the weekend. Fear not, things work out. Love is in the air!

At first, Alice Green (Eleanor Parker) just wants to spend her time on the Island doing nothing. That’s her fantasy. Lawrence may think that an odd fantasy but I actually understand Alice’s point. She’s on vacation. Why should she have to do anything? However, when Alice discovers that George is her benefactor, she decides she does have a fantasy. She wants to tell George that she loves him. George’s fantasy is for Alice to love him. Hey, that works out! The only problem is that George only has three months to live! Love is in the air …. but for how long!?

This episode wasn’t that bad, especially when compared to the previous two episodes. I like Peter Graves and I liked the three nurses and I was happy that they all ultimately found love on the Island. Admittedly, Tracy and Christine’s fantasies didn’t do much for me. But the Peter Graves/Eleanor Parker fantasy was nicely done and I appreciated the fact that the show didn’t come up with some miracle cure for George’s terminal illness. Instead, with the gentle encouragement of Mr. Roarke, George and Alice decided to make the best of the time they had left. Good work, Mr. Roarke!

Tattoo is very much missed but this was still a good trip to the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.5 and 4.6 “The Great 5K Star Race and Boulder Wrap Party”

Posted on July 28, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, we have a two-hour episode of CHiPs!

Episodes 4.5 and 4.6 “The Great 5K Star Race and Boulder Wrap Party”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on December 7th, 1980)

There’s a big boulder sitting on a mountain and it’s threatening to roll down onto the highway, where it could not only damage cars but also destroy the home of comedian Milton Berle. Berle calls the cops and generally gets annoyed with everyone who comes by his house. They all want to make jokes while the boulder hangs over him like death from above. I would be annoyed as well!

Ponch and Baker arrange for a demolition crew to come in and try to destroy the boulder. As Ponch is also in charge of the annual CHP charity fundraiser, Ponch recruits Berle to be a part of it. Ponch wants a bunch of celebs to take part in a bicycle race. Berle motions with his cigar and says he’ll play touch football instead.

This two-part episode attempts to recapture the fun of the previous season’s Roller Disco. A lot of celebrities show up for the fundraiser and Harlan provides a breathless commentary that basically amounts to continually repeating, “There’s George Peppard talking to Johnnie Ray! Nancy Kulp’s standing in a doorway! There’s Robert Mandan! Conrad Bain’s wearing an ascot! Look at Todd Bridges get down!” It’s not as much fun this time because there’s no roller skating and there’s no disco music. Instead, it’s celebs playing the type of dreary games that high schools and church youth groups have used for years to build up team work. You know that terrible game where people try to move an orange down a line without using their hands? They play that game. (My speech and debate coach had us play the game at a sleepover and I’ll just say that having an orange fall into your cleavage is not as much fun as it sounds, especially when you’re the only girl standing in the line.) An ascot-wearing Conrad Bain runs around in circles while balancing a wine bottle on a tray. The crowd loves it but I think it would be kind of boring to watch. There’s also a dunking booth so that the celebrities can send the members of the CHP into a tub of water. Baker does not participate but Ponch does and you better believe he flashes the biggest smile in the world after he goes down.

There are some other storylines going on, of course. Alex Rocco and Ken Berry are two racers who supplement their income by robbing homes and trucks. There’s a freeway pileup that features some slow motion car jumps. Hey, that truck has “EXPLOSIVES” written on it! Do you think it will explode!? Baker helps a kid who needs better parents. It’s typical CHiPs stuff but the majority of the episode is just a collection of television actors participating in silly games. “There’s Marcia Wallace talking to Chuck Woolery, having a good time!” It needed more disco.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 4.13 “Vote of Confidence”

Posted on July 28, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs are not looking for bull semen.

Episode 4.13 “Vote of Confidence”

(Dir by Randy Roberts, originally aired on February 12th, 1988)

After spending last week trying to retrieve a cannister of bull semen, this episode finds Crockett, Tubbs, and Switek actually doing Vice work for once. At the start of this episode, they stop a train that doubles as a rolling bordello. They arrest a man named Tom Pierce (Larry Pine), a congressman who just happens to be running for governor!

(Tubbs thinks that Pierce has some good ideas. Crockett doesn’t believe in voting. Try to get away with that on a television show in today’s hyperpartisan climate.)

Tubbs and Crockett are frustrated when the district attorney declines to prosecute Pierce. The D.A. says that they can’t prove that Pierce was actually on the train to hook up with a prostitute. He could have just been passing out campaign literature. Crockett and Tubbs are outraged, wondering why the prostitutes should be arrested but not the people who keep them in business. Crockett and Tubbs see it as another example of the rich and powerful being let off the hook and they’re probably right about that.

Still, Pierce’s campaign is rocked by the news of his arrest and, when he withdraws from the election, Internal Affairs investigates to make sure that Crockett and Tubbs didn’t set him up. While Crockett and Tubbs are definitely innocent, they still suspect that someone may have indeed set Pierce up. When Pierce disappears, they wonder if maybe he’s been abducted or murdered. Their investigation leads them to a notorious political prankster (Barry Lynch) and a shady press operative (Jonathan Hadary).

This episode was apparently based on the same scandal that, decades later, would inspire The Front Runner. It was an improvement on last week’s but then again, anything would have been an improvement on last week’s episode. Just the fact that Crockett and Tubbs were actually doing police work as opposed to stifling laughs every time someone mentioned “bull semen” guaranteed that this episode would shine compared to last week’s episode. On the plus side, this episode features a return of the cynical Crockett and Tubbs that we all know and love. On the negative side, the story itself is so bland that it fades from the memory as soon as the episode ends. This episode was competently done but bland. That’s the problem with episodes that are meant to be “ripped from the headlines.” Headlines eventually fade.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi High 2.12 “Three’s a Crowd”

Posted on July 27, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1989 to 1991! The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi

This week, the formal is approaching, Spike needs a date and so does Snake.

Episode 2.12 “Three’s A Crowd”

(Dir by Philip Earnshaw, originally aired on February 4th, 1991)

The graduation formal is approaching! Spike has got a crush on Snake (who has finally returned to school after finding Claude’s body). When Spike asks Snake out, he says yes. Yay! But then Spike overhears Michelle asking out Snake and Snake explaining that he would love to go with her but he already said yes to Spike (who he considers to be just a friend). Spike makes up a lie about having “a family thing” the same night as the dance so that Snake can go with Michelle.

How sad!

This is a minor episode of Degrassi High but it’s significant to those of us who discovered Degrassi by watching The Next Generation. We know that Spike and Snake are eventually going to get married and Snake is going to become Emma’s stepfather. (Three year-old Emma makes an appearance in this episode, encouraging her mom to not be depressed.) As sad as it is to see Spike overhear Snake talking about how much he likes Michelle, we know that Spike and Snake are eventually going to end up together as adults. Of course, by that point, Spike will be known as Christine and Snake will be known as Archie.

While Snake and Spike were dealing with the realities of high school attraction, Tessa was falling for Yick Yu despite the fact that she was already dating Alex. Dorothy (Annabelle Waugh) told Tessa that she had to tell Alex the truth. Tessa couldn’t bring herself to do it but Yick, thinking that Tessa and Alex were broken up, told Alex that he didn’t mean to make Tessa dump him. Alex confronts Tessa. Tessa says, “I hope we can still be friends.” “I don’t see how,” Alex replies. OUCH!

And again, this is a storyline that means a lot more if you know what’s going to happen in the future. Tessa may like Alex now but, in just a year, she’s going to get impregnated by Joey Jeremiah and then run away from Toronto, never to be seen again.

Degrassi’s about to get dark!

Next week, Degrassi High comes to an end. Don’t worry, though. Degrassi will go on forever.

Retro Television Review: Homicide: Life On The Street 3.19 “Colors”

Posted on July 27, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC! It can be viewed on Peacock.

This week …. is the Homicide Unit cursed?

Episode 3.19 “Colors”

(Dir by Peter Medak, originally aired on April 28h, 1995)

A Turkish teenager who is dressed and made up like a member of KISS is lying dead on a front porch. Jim Bayliss (David Morse) claims that the teenager was banging on his door and acting aggressive. He says that he grabbed his gun to protect his family and that he ordered the teenager to get off his porch before he shot him. The teen’s friend, who was standing a few feet away, says that the victim raised his hands before he was shot and that he was only at the house because he was trying to go to a party and got the wrong address.

Pembleton thinks that Jim shot the teenager even though he knew the teen was no longer a threat and because he was angered by the teen’s broken English. It’s true that Jim did once get into a fight in a bar with someone who was visibly Middle Eastern. Jim’s wife mentions that Jim gets annoyed with people who can’t speak English. Pembleton says that Jim is so prejudiced that he doesn’t even think twice about assuming the worse about anyone who isn’t white.

Complicating things is that Jim Bayliss is the cousin of Tim Bayliss.

Tim spends almost the entire episode trying to defend his cousin. He asks Giardello for permission to be in the Box during the interrogation, (Giardello refuses, rightly pointing out that Tim has a conflict of interest.) Later, while watching the interrogation, Tim gets so angry that he breaks a two-way mirror. Oddly, the one thing that Tim doesn’t do is tell his cousin to ask for a lawyer, which would have ended the interrogation before it could even get started. Eventually, Ed Danvers, who we haven’t seen much of this season, takes Jim before a Grand Jury and the Grand Jury declines to indict. Everyone in the courtroom applauds but Tim is left to wonder if Pembleton was correct about his cousin.

At one point, Bolander says that he fears that the Homicide Squad may be cursed and then he lists all of the things that have happened over the course of the third season — Crosetti committed suicide, three detectives were nearly killed in a shooting, Munch opened a bar, and now Bayliss and Pembleton are fighting. Bolander has a point. It’s a bit much, particularly when you compare it to the first two seasons. Homicide took a melodramatic turn during the third season. That doesn’t mean that the show hasn’t been good. The acting continues to be amazing. But it’s still quite a contrast to how the show started.

As for this episode, David Morse kept you guessing as Jim Bayliss. At first, Jim just seems like a harried home owner who wanted to protect his family. As the episode progresses, his anger becomes more and more pronounced until the viewer is left feeling that Jim was destined to eventually shoot someone. That said, this episode was occasionally a bit too much on the nose in its storytelling. It also left unaddressed something that should have been a bigger issue. Should Pembleton have been allowed to investigate the case or lead the interrogation, considering that Tim is his partner? Giardello was rightly concerned about Tim’s conflict of interest but he never addressed the fact that Pembleton potentially had one as well.

Next week, season 3 comes to an end.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Good Morning, Miss Bliss 1.2 “Love Letters”

Posted on July 26, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Good Morning, Miss Bliss, which ran on the Disney Channel from 1988 to 1989 before then moving to NBC and being renamed Saved By The Bell. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week …. well, it’s all really stupid.

Episode 1.2 “Love Letters”

(Dir by Burt Brinkerhoff, originally aired on December 7th, 1988)

Miss Bliss thinks that Mr. Belding has sent her a love letter! Mr. Belding thinks Miss Bliss had sent him a love letter! Much awkwardness follows. Of course, the truth is that they both have a love letter that Zach wrote to Lisa (the character, not me) on behalf of Screech. Screech, meanwhile, writes Zach’s term paper on the War of 1812, which is probably the easiest war to write a paper on. I mean, if Zach can’t handle the War of 1812 on his own, he really is doomed.

This was a dumb episode, one that was later remade as an episode of Saved By The Bell during the infamous Tori season. The remake even went as far as to have Zach write a love note to Lisa for Screech and Mr. Belding and another teacher thinking that the note was written for them. Somehow, no one stopped and said, “Hey, hasn’t this happened before?” The remake was just as dumb as the original.

I will say this. Dustin Diamond is actually …. dare I say it? …. likable in this episode. Watching this episode, I could actually understand why Diamond was at the center of so many early episodes of Saved By The Bell because it appears that, before he started doing the squeaky, cartoonish voice thing and got totally typecast as the most annoying person on the planet, Dustin Diamond actually was a good child actor. There’s a sincere sweetness to his crush on Lisa in this episode. It’s quite a contrast to the deranged stalker that he would later become.

I should also note, for Saved By The Bell historians, this episode is the first to establish that Screech has a crush on Lisa and that Lisa, who is kind of mean in this episode, wishes that Screech would get lost. At the start of the episode, Lisa stuffs Screech in a locker. That seems a bit extreme to me. It’s always struck me as strange how the people on these shows were always getting stuffed into lockers. I went to a lot of different schools when I was growing up and I never once saw that happen to anyone. And yet, on Saved By The Bell and a host of other Peter Engel-produced sitcoms, it’s like a daily occurrence. I would think that it can’t be healthy to be stuffed in a locker. I can’t imagine the air quality is very good inside one of those metal caskets.

This episode also presents Screech and Zach as not being the childhood friends that Saved By The Bell later presented them as being. (Indeed, Screech mentions that no one will believe that he and Zach are actually friends.) Then again, this episode also takes place in Indiana instead of California so I guess it’s best not to worry too much about continuity.

On the How Condescending Is Miss Bliss scale, this episode score a solid 7 out of 10. She wasn’t anywhere near as a condescending as she would be in some of her later episodes but her comment when Mr. Belding asks her for the identity of the person who actually wrote the letter — “Why should I tell you? You just dumped me.” — pushes the score up to a 7.

Next week, Miss Bliss loses a lot of money when she stupidly allows the kids to invest it. What a terrible teacher. We’ll see what happens!

Retro Television Review: The American Short Story Episode 8 “The Blue Hotel”

Posted on July 26, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing The American Short Story, which ran semi-regularly on PBS in 1974 to 1981. The entire show can be purchased on Prime and found on YouTube and Tubi.

This week, we have an adaptation of a Stephen Crane short story.

Episode 1.8 “The Blue Hotel”

(Dir by Jan Kadar, originally aired in 1977)

In the dying days of the Old West, a train pulls into a station in a small frontier town. Getting off the train, a Cowboy (John Bottoms), an Easterner (Geddeth Smith), and a Swede (David Warner) head to the town’s only hotel. A blizzard is coming and the three men are seeking shelter for the night. The owner of the hotel, Scully (Rex Everhart), is happy to provide it. As the men wait for dinner to be served, they play a card game with Scully’s son, Johnnie (James Keach).

At first, the game plays out without incident. The men are all friendly, with the exception of the Swede. The Swede remains quiet and seems distrustful. After a few hands of the game, the Swede accuses Johnnie of cheating. Over the next few hours, as the wind howls outside, the Swede rants and raves. Convinced that the wild west is truly full of outlaws and that it’s all exactly like the dime-store novels that he read before boarding the train, he cannot bring himself to accept that the men mean him no harm. It all leads to violence and tragedy.

This episode made excellent use of the shadowy Blue Hotel and the desolate wind blowing outside. Over the course of an hour, the hotel went from being a friendly shelter to an ominous location that seemed to pulse with paranoia. David Warner gave a strong performance as the unstable Swede and the final act of violence (which was changed slightly from the short story’s original conclusion) comes as a genuine shock as does the final twist in the tale. The Blue Hotel becomes a look at how people unknowingly shape their own destiny, for better or worse.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Freddy’s Nightmares 1.1 “No More Mr. Nice Guy”

Posted on July 25, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares, a horror anthology show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The entire series can be found on Plex!

Having finished up Friday the 13th, I’m not going to take a look at another syndicated horror show that aired around the same time. Freddy’s Nightmares was an anthology show hosted by Robert Englund, in character as Freddy Krueger. Each story would take place in Freddy’s hometown of Springwood, Ohio. Would the show be a dream or a nightmare? Let’s find out!

Episode 1.1 “No More Mr. Nice Guy”

(Dir by Tobe Hooper, originally aired on October 9th, 1988)

Freddy Krueger has become such a familiar and popular figure that I think it’s sometimes forgotten that, when he first appeared, he was truly a horrifying character. He was a child molester and a serial killer, one who escaped legal justice only because someone forgot to read him his rights when he was arrested. He was killed by the citizens of Springwood, Ohio, set on fire in the same boiler room where he killed his victims. Yes, he was brutally murdered and yes, the respectable people who murdered him covered up their crime. At the same time, what would you do if a monster like Freddy was loose in your town and stalking your children? “I’m burning in Hell,” Freddy says and that’s exactly what he deserved.

How did Freddy Krueger then become an oddly beloved pop cultural icon? Some of that was undoubtedly due to his one-liners, which tended to be a slightly better than the typical slasher film banter. If Freddy was pure evil in the first three Nightmare on Elm Street films, he became more a homicidal prankster as the series continued. I think another reason why Freddy became popular is because the actor who first played him, Robert Englund, himself always comes across as being such a nice guy. Unlike the personable but physically intimidating Kane Hodder, who looked like he could kill you even when he wasn’t playing Jason Voorhees, Englund always comes across as being slightly nerdy and very friendly. He’s the neighbor who you would trust to get your mail while you’re on vacation. If Englund hadn’t been cast as Freddy Krueger in 1984, he probably would have spent the 90s playing quirky programmers and hackers in tech thrillers. The thing with Robert Englund is that seems to have a good sense of humor, he’s at peace with his place in pop culture, and he always seem to be having fun. (In his autobiography, he even jokes about something that fans had been laughing about for years, the fact that the female lead in A Nightmare In Elm Street 2 looked almost exactly like Meryl Street.) Those are qualities that bled over into Freddy.

As a result, Freddy became popular enough to host his own horror anthology. The premiere episode of Freddy’s Nightmares open with Englund, in full Freddy makeup, telling us that we’re not about to see one of our nightmares. Instead, we’re going to see his nightmare. The episode gives us Freddy’s origin story, starting with Freddy getting off on a murder charge on a technicality and ending with Freddy getting bloody revenge of the police chief (played by Ian Patrick Williams) who set him on fire.

By almost any standard, it’s a disturbing story. We open with Freddy on trial and we hear details about an 8 year-old boy that he left in a dumpster. After the charges against Freddy are dismissed (damn those Carter judges!), Freddy happily gets into an ice cream truck and later, the police chief has a vision of the same truck coming straight at him. After getting set on fire, Freddy doesn’t waste any time coming back and using his razor-blade gloves to slash his way to vengeance. I think what’s particularly disturbing about this episode is that the police chief is not a bad guy. He arrested Freddy as Freddy was trying to attack his twin daughters. Throughout the episode, Freddy — in both life and death — makes it clear that he’s coming for the man’s daughters. And in the end, Freddy will probably get them because their father fell asleep in a dentist’s chair and got his mouth drilled by Dr. Krueger.

Agck! That’s disturbing stuff. Of course, it would be even more disturbing if the show’s special effects and gore were anywhere close to being a realistic as what was present in the movies. The show itself looks remarkably cheap. I would say it almost looks like a community theater production of A Nightmare on Elm Street. Director Tobe Hooper (of Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame) manages to wring a few jump scares out of the material and a scene where we see one of Freddy’s courtroom fantasies is genuinely horrifying but, for the most part, the budget is low enough that the viewer can safely say, “It’s only a TV show, it’s only a TV show….” In the end, it’s very much an 80s TV show, right down to the oddly gratuitous scene where the police chief suddenly imagines the dental hygienist in her underwear.

Where will Freddy’s Nightmares lead us? We’ll find out. I’m sure it will be bloody, wherever it is!