Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, everyone’s going undercover!

Episode 5.2 “The Naked Truth”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on July 25th, 1999)

When a wealthy sorority girl is found dead on the beach with her head caved in, it falls to the bicycle patrol to solve the case.  Where are the Homicide detectives?  We know that the Santa Monica PD has a homicide division because Chris keeps talking about transferring there.  I know I bring this up every episode but it simply doesn’t make sense for the bike cops to be the ones investigating all of these crimes.  I mean, essentially, they’re traffic cops.  In the real world, they’re job would be to secure the crime scene and wait for the real detectives to show up.

Anyway, when Monica sees that the dead girl was wearing a sequined bikini, she immediately deduces that she was working as a stripper.  (I’m not sure that logic would hold hope in court but whatever.)  Why would a rich sorority girl be working at a strip club?  Monica and Chris go undercover to find out.  Chris is the new housemother at the sorority house.  Monica is a new pledge.  It turns out that working at the strip club started as a hazing ritual but now, all of the girls are being blackmailed (via email, we’re specifically told) into doing it.

Who is the blackmailer?  That mystery is solved when Chris catches the local handyman going through her underwear.  The handyman explains that he’s not a murderer, he’s just a pervert.  He also says that all of the girls have expensive underwear except for one who owns “K-mart panties.”  Because that girl is poor and a computer science major, Monica and Chris decide that she’s the blackmailer.  (Again, I’m not sure that logic would hope up in court but whatever.  I’m too tired to argue with this stupid show.)  I guess the lesson here is to spend money on quality panties.  Well, don’t worry, Pacific Blue!  I buy and wear only the best!

As for the murderer, it turns out to be a cowboy with a country accent who is always hanging out at the strip club and requesting a private dance.  It really wasn’t that much of a shock.

Pacific Blue always talks a big game about how women shouldn’t be objectified but then every episode opens with random bikini shots and this episode looked for every possible excuse to put Monica in a school girl outfit.  I’d have more respect for Pacific Blue if it was just honest about what it is was doing as opposed to having the characters constantly spouting a lot of cliches about empowerment that the show itself doesn’t seem to take all that seriously.

The good thing about this episode is that it ends with Chris telling TC that they need some time apart.  I agree!  You can do better, Chris!