Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.5 “Love Hurts”

Posted on April 24, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, horror comes to the DMV! Seriously, there’s nothing scarier than renewing your license….

Episode 2.5 “Love Hurts”

(Dir by Manny Coto, originally aired on October 29th, 1989)

Smooth-talking Vance (Henry Brown) is a ne’er-do-well who has a job working at the DMV in New Orleans. He works with his disapproving father-in-law, Mr. Brownell (Fred Pinkard), who was responsible for getting Vance the job and who is always quick to make sure that Vance knows that he can cause Vance to lose his job as well. Oddly enough, it appears that Vance and Mr. Brownell are the only employees at the DMV and the DMV itself is housed in a rather small building. On the plus side, there’s never a line. Do people just not drive in New Orleans? I’ve been to the city and I saw a lot of cars while I was there.

Anyway, Mr. Brownell knows that Vance regularly cheats on his wife, Cora (Renn Woods). In fact, Vance is currently cheating with Jewel (Olivia Brown, who also played Trudy on Miami Vice). Mr. Brownell watches in silent disapproval whenever Jewel comes down to the DMV and hangs out at the front desk. Jewel wants Vance to herself so she turns to her friend, Angie (Valentina Quinn). Angie just happens to be a voodoo priestess.

The first spell that Jewel and Angie cast simply causes Cora and her father to fall ill with a terrible skin condition. While Cora and her father are at the doctor’s office, Jewel and Vance get to spend some alone time behind the desk at the DMV. When Mr. Brownell unexpectedly shows up at the office, he snaps at Vance not to have sex behind the desk at the DMV. Apparently, the DMV is a sacred space.

The next spell that Jewel and Angie cast causes Mr. Brownell to die. Without Mr. Bronwell constantly threatening to fire Vance for cheating on Cora, Jewel assumes that Vance will now leave his wife. Except …. Cora’s pregnant!

The next spell that Jewel casts is designed to join her soul to Vance’s. Unfortunately, this spell has some unintended consequences as the episode ends as a horribly mutilated and zombified Vance approaches Jewel. Agck!

The gore at the end was very much appreciated, at least by this viewer. Vance and Jewel were such unlikable characters that it was definitely a pleasure to see them get what was coming to them, the gorier the better. The ending was effectively macabre but the rest of the episode was far too mild for its own good. The script was weak, the actors were all a bit too theatrical in their performances, and the story itself played out at a surprisingly slow pace. Ending aside, this was one of the more forgettable episodes of Monsters.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.1 “Terror of the Deep”

Posted on April 23, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

Tonight, we start the second season of Baywatch Nights! It’s like an entirely new show!

Episode 2.1 “Terror Of The Deep”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonnan, originally aired on September 29th, 1996)

The second season begins with a few changes.

The open titles are now dark and atmospheric, featuring David Hasselhoff walking through the fog. Lou Rawls’s theme song has been replaced by a creepy but very danceable instrumental track.

Mitch, Ryan, Eddie, and Donna are all back but Garner is no longer listed in the opening credit. Nor is he mentioned in tonight’s episode. Instead, Mitch’s new best friend is a world traveler named Diamont Teague (Dorian Gregory). Diamont is an expert on the paranormal. He believes that the truth is out there. Donna spots Diamont walking along the pier and immediately mentions how mysterious is.

No mention of Mitch being a private detective is made during the second season premiere. Instead, this episode open with Mitch doing lifeguard things. He rescues a woman who is discovered floating in the ocean. The woman screams in terror after she’s resuscitated. Diamont thinks that the woman might be a survivor of a freighter that sunk a few days previously. Diamont also thinks that the freighter was taken down by a tentacled monster that lives in the ocean.

Largely to prove his friend wrong, Mitch recruits Eddie and Ryan to help him track down and explore the freighter. While Ryan remains on their boat and stays in communication via radio, Eddie and Mitch dive into the ocean and explore the freighter. Guess what? Diamont was right! There is a tentacled monster living inside the freighter and now, it’s after Eddie and Mitch!

With this episode, Baywatch Nights totally changed directions, going from being a detective show to a somewhat goofy rip-off of The X-Files. For the most part, the second season of Baywatch Nights was a lot of fun but you wouldn’t necessarily know it from this episode. Terror of the Deep takes place almost entirely underwater, with Mitch and Eddie spending most of their time in wet suits that make it very difficult to figure out which one is which. The underwater scenes are also rather darkly lit, which I assume was done to both create atmosphere and also disguise the fact that the tentacled monster wasn’t really that impressive. However, the scenes are often so dark that it becomes difficult to tell what is actually happening on screen. This was an episode with a simple plot that often felt incoherent because I was never quite sure where Mitch and Eddie were in the freighter or if they were even still together.

This episode also overlooks the fact that one of the best things about the first season was the playful chemistry between David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon. Instead, we get Mitch swimming with Eddie while Ryan stays on board the boat and is reduced to saying, “Copy that,” over and over again. This episode really did end up feeling like a lost opportunity.

But no worries! The rest of the second season is going to be a lot of fun. For instance, next week, Mitch faces off against a killer mermaid! It should be entertaining.

Live Tweet Alert: Watch Prom Night With #ScarySocial!

Posted on April 20, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter. I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie! Every week, we get together. We watch a movie. We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, I will be hosting 1980’s Prom Night!

If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag! The film is available on Prime! I’ll be there co-hosting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well. It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.26 “Bottle of Dreams”

Posted on April 19, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, season one comes to a close with a trip down nightmare lane.

Episode 1.26 “Bottle of Dreams”

(Dir by Mac Bradden, originally aired on July 25th, 1988)

It’s clip show time!

To be fair, the first season finale of Friday the 13th does come up with a clever way to justify being a clip show. Micki and Ryan get trapped in the vault of Curious Goods with an ancient, Egyptian urn that causes people to confront the memories of their worst fears. Not surprisingly all of Micki and Ryan’s worst fears are connected to the cursed antiques that they’ve spent the past year seeking out and dealing with.

So, once again, we get to see the cursed doll that started the series. We see the weirdo wandering around with his cursed cupid statue. We see the vampire. Oddly enough, we don’t see the pirate ghosts or the gangster who killed Micki’s boyfriend, even though both of those events were very traumatic for Micki. We don’t see the magic pipe that killed Ryan’s father, despite the fact that episode ended with Ryan in tears. We don’t see the newscaster who killed Ryan’s girlfriend or the cursed quilt that nearly caused Ryan to get burned at the stake. In short the clips seem to be a little bit arbitrary and they also all seem to come from early in the season, which leads me to suspect that this episode was put together long before it actually aired.

The cursed urn and the flashbacks are all a part of yet another attempt by Uncle Lewis (R.G. Armstrong) to return to the world of living. Fortunately, Jack’s friend Rashid (Elias Zarou) shows up and helps to push Lewis back into the netherworld. It’s always nice when one of Jack’s associates shows up to help. It creates the feeling that there’s an entire magical underground out there, all dealing with cursed antiques and malevolent spirits. While Ryan and Micki deal with their bad memories, Jack and Rashid are the ones who save the day and it makes for a nice conclusion for the first season. Our heroes may have started out as skeptical amateurs but now they’re a strong team. Micki and Ryan know that they can count on Jack, which is good considering that almost everyone else that that they get close to ends up dead.

The first season of Friday the 13th: The Series was pretty good. The horror was effective. The cast had a lot of chemistry. With a few exceptions, the cursed antiques were all interesting and worked in genuinely clever ways. The show had a sense of humor but it never let it get in the way of mayhem. Even the fact that the show claimed to be set in America even though it was clearly filmed in Canada and filled with Canadian actors only served to increase the dream-like atmosphere.

Will the second season live up to the first? We’ll start to find out next week!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.4 “Rerun”

Posted on April 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we learn about the dark side of celebrity.

Episode 2.4 “Rerun”

(Dir by John Auerbach, originally aired October 22nd, 1989)

Allison (Rachel Jones) and Max (Mitchell Whitfield) are anthropology students and roommates. Max would like to be even more but Allison is hopelessly in love with a man who she has not only never met but who is dead!

Tony Sterling (Max Nassar) was an actor who starred on a show where he drove a motorcycle across America. Tony recently died but Allison keeps a big poster of him hanging in her bedroom. Allison says she isn’t worried about studying for her upcoming exam because she’s been praying to the poster. Uhmm …. okay …. I mean, I had a huge crush on James Franco back in the day but I never prayed to him….

Suddenly, Tony appears in the bedroom and declares his love for Allison. Allison is so overjoyed that she doesn’t care that he’s dead and that he keeps biting her neck. Max, however, is a bit more concerned so he goes to see Tony’s agent (Kaye Ballard), who explains that Tony was a Satanist who couldn’t even ride a motorcycle! In fact, Tony couldn’t even talk to people. He had to have his small talk written out for him by a crack team of publicists.

Max returns to the apartment to confront Tony with proof that he’s both a talentless hack and a lamprey-in-human-form. (Earlier, Max talked about a tribe that believed that everyone’s soul was an animal. Apparently, Tony has the soul of a lamprey.) Realizing the truth about Tony, Allison rejects him. Tony attacks Max. Can Allison flush a ring that Tony gave her down a toilet quickly enough to send Tony’s soul back to Hell?

Fear not — she can! This is one of the few episodes of Monsters to have a straight-up happy ending and I’m glad that I did. Allison and Max were a cute couple and it would have been unbearably cruel to not allow them to be together or to have one of them turn out to be a demon. You want them to get together and if it takes dealing with an incubus for them to come together, so be it.

Actually, this episode is probably more relevant today than it was when it was first release. There’s not much difference between Allison praying to her poster of Tony and the people who spend all day searching social media for any heretics who fail to worship at the altar of their favorite performers. If this episode were made today, Allison would be praying to Timothee Chalamet and Taylor Swift. That’s not to say that Timothee and Taylor are lampreys, of course. It’s just that people have always worshipped those who have accomplished some sort of celebrity. Anyone who is anyway famous has at least a few people who have devoted their lives to them. It’s creepy but it’s the way of the world.

Live Tweet Alert: Watch Silent Predators with #ScarySocial

Posted on April 13, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, Deanna Dawn will be hosting 1999’s Silent Predators!

If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag! The film is available on Prime and YouTube. It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.25 “What A Mother Wouldn’t Do”

Posted on April 12, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, a crib from the Titanic demands blood!

Episode 1.25 “What A Mother Wouldn’t Do”

(Dir by Neill Fearnley, originally aired July 18th, 1988)

After being told that her unborn child should be aborted because it’s just going to die anyway, Leslie Kent (Lynne Cormack) seeks peace inside an antique shop called Curious Goods. The shop’s owner, Lewis Vedredi (R.G. Armstrong), shows her an antique crib that he says was on the Titanic. Leslie is intrigued by the crib and, six months later, she is overjoyed when her friends reveal that they have purchased the crib for her as a gift. Seriously, who wouldn’t want a crib that was once used by a baby who probably drowned in icy water when the Titanic sank?

The crib does have a special power. It can cure sick babies! Of course, the cure only works if the crib’s owner first kills seven people in a body of water. After baby Allison is born, Leslie and her husband Martin (Michael Countryman) start killing random people in an effort to save their baby’s life.

It presents quite a moral quandary. If Micki and Ryan don’t retrieve the cursed crib, Leslie and Martin will continue to kill. However, if they do get the crib, Allison will die. Are they prepared to sacrifice an innocent baby just to get their hands on the crib? To its credit, Friday the 13th: The Series didn’t shy away from these questions. In this episode, the villains are not unsympathetic. Martin hates to kill but he’s trying to save his baby. As for Leslie, the episode’s title says it all. What wouldn’t a mother do to save the life of her baby? As disturbing as the murders may be, they’re nowhere near as frightening as the cold and clinical way that Leslie is ordered to get an abortion at the start of the episode.

In the end, both Martin and Leslie end up sacrificing themselves to save Allison’s life. But Allison disappears from her crib, leaving a terrified Micki to wonder if the evil within the crib has taken her. Fear not. As the final shot show, her babysitter Debbie (Robyn Stevan), grabbed the now healthy baby from the crib and then got on bus to start a new life. The baby looks up at her and smiles for the first time. Awwwww!

This was a good episode, with Micki and Ryan both coming to realize that the owners of the antiques are often as much victims as those they harm. Chris Wiggins dif good job of portraying Jack’s single-minded determination to find all of Lewis’s cursed antiques while Lynne Cormack and Michael Countryman were poignant as two villains for whom you couldn’t help but feel some sympathy.

Next week, season one comes to an end!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.3 “A Bond of Silk”

Posted on April 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Never jump on a spider web! Seriously.

Episode 2.3 “A Bond of Silk”

(Dir by Ernest D. Farino, originally aired on October 15th, 1989)

Nash (Marc McClure) is an oilman who has just married Portia (Lydia Cornell) and is taking her on a New York honeymoon. A travel agent has arranged for them to be picked up at the airport in a limousine and driven to a posh hotel. Sure, it’s strange that the hotel appears to be completely devoid of staff and other guests but Nash and Portia just assume that’s a part of the ambience. As Portia puts it, they don’t have anything like this back in Lubbock!

(And right there is where I massively rolled my eyes.)

The honeymoon suite is in the basement of the hotel. It doesn’t look like much. Oddly, the closet is full of clothes from previous guests. And, in the bedroom, there is what appears to be a giant web. Nash declares that it must be a hammock and he jumps on the web. He soon discovers that the web is sticky (duh!) and he’s stuck. Portia correctly deduces that that web must have been spun by a giant spider. She also figures out that no one who has ever checked into the room has ever left. The travel agent, the limousine, the hotel …. they’re all a part of plan to keep the spider fed.

Nash insists that he’ll figure out a way out of the web but the more he tries to escape, the more stuck he becomes. Finally, it falls to Portia to figure out a way to safely cross the web, free her husband, and get out the room. Unfortunately, as Portia quickly realizes, the spider is waiting for her to attempt just that.

There was a lot about this episode that worked. The hotel was a creepy location. Nash’s struggle in the web was frightening and the visual of him getting more and more stuck in the web was effectively claustrophobic. By today’s standards, the special effects were not particularly impressive but still, they were good enough to not totally take me out of the story.

That said, this was yet another episode where all of the action was dependent upon the characters acting in the dumbest ways possible. Eventually, Portia reveals herself to have a lot of determination and to be a lot more clever than she originally came across. Nash, however, remains an idiot through the entire episode and it’s hard to have sympathy for someone who sees a giant spider’s web and automatically thinks, “Hey, let’s jump into it!” While neither spoke with a convincing Texas accent, both Marc McClure and Lydia Cornell were likable but the actions of their characters requires a bit too much suspension of disbelief.

As for next week’s episode, it appears that college students will be raising the dead! Uh-oh.

Mia Goth and Ti West take us to 1985 in the MaXXXine Trailer!

Posted on April 8, 2024 by Leonard Wilson

The X trilogy kind of snuck up on everyone. The end of March 2022’s “X” gave us a sneak peek at Pearl, which ended up releasing later in theatres that same year. Now, director Ti West and actress Mia Goth are closing the loop with MaXXXine, which arrives in theatres this summer.

MaXXXine is a direct sequel to X, with our heroine still wanting to be a major star after the events of the first film. Though she may not realize it, Maxine has a lot in common with Pearl, and those elements may put her into some dark circles.

MaXXXine also stars Kevin Bacon, Halsey, Bobby Cannavale, Elizabeth Debicki, Lily Collins, Giancarlo Esposito, and Michelle Monaghan.

Live Tweet Alert: Join #ScarySocial for Exists!

Posted on April 6, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, at 9 pm et, Tim Buntley will be hosting #ScarySocial! The movie? 2014’s Exists!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag! I’ll be there tweeting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well. It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Exists is available on Prime and Tubi!

See you there!