Film Review: The Year of the Sex Olympics (1968, dir. Michael Elliott)

Posted on September 5, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I’m only human. I make mistakes. During the past week or so, Jedadiah has been venturing into the wide world of Internet Archive. I happened to spot “Sex Olympics” as I was glancing through things related to our site. I figured it had to be a movie, and found this one. It turned out that he had reviewed a game, and I had just came across a movie that happened to have “Sex Olympics” in the title. I might as well talk about it.

As is often the case, some things appeared before the title card.

That’s when they throw the Olympic Rings at you, which turn into male and female gender symbols.

Apparently, coming sooner than we think is three men for every two women locked together in…I don’t know…an orgy?

It then answers that question with one of the few sexual things you will actually see in this “Sex Olympics” movie.

These legs belong to two people who are having a sexploitation scene. Soon they and another couple are interrupted because they are on camera. We then go to the main set of the movie: Production Pod.

That’s where we meet our main character.

I’m sure he has a name, but I am just going with Eyebrows. I could have called him Crazy Eyes since he does those a lot, but that could cause confusion with this lady.

Then we meet the most important characters in the film: the audience.

They are not happy with the current programming. After discussing how disgusting the audience is, our crew traps the lady above in an isolation booth so she can do the Sports Sex Presents segment which airs “Tonite And Every Nite”.

She says stuff that I couldn’t bring myself to care about because I was too distracted by the theme song called The Year of the Sex Olympics.

We are introduced to contestants who are in heats to compete in the Sex Olympics–such as these two.

The other guy in the Production Pod seems to like what he sees when the sex starts.

They say things with British accents so I have no real idea except that their program is not selling well with the audience. That’s when The Coordinator comes in and takes Eyebrows somewhere else. They get something phallic to suck on called on a “Brightener”. It is supposed to cancel out your appetite. I assume your appetite for experience rather than your need for food.

The gist of their conversation is that people like to watch. People are perfectly happy to live vicariously through others. We also get foreshadowing in the form of dystopian talk about removing things like war. I also managed to catch the older guy with this face.

Now we cut to The Hungry Angry Show.

Today we just call this Twitter and comments sections.

This scene must have been very difficult. They had to have a Custard Pie Fight Arranger.

Mr. Peacock also needed five Custard Pie Experts to get it just right.

It goes without saying that the audience is still not enjoying the programming. Actually, I think they are trying to keep them like that because it keeps them peaceful.

The next important thing is the ArtSex.

This is as good a time as any other to mention that this was a TV Movie. I say that now because you can see I had to black box her breasts. I guess that means in 1968 the BBC allowed bare breasts on television of some kind. This part lasts seconds as the camera pulls back to show us Auto-Chess that I swear uses the same font as the WOPR computer from WarGames (1983).

It’s there so we can have the characters discussing philosophical topics. The guy who is standing at the Auto-Chess machine and directs the ArtSex show is getting rebellious. He wants to make images that make people feel again. This leads Eyebrows into a sex scene.

Then we find out that the other guy’s images are actually stills. I think Eyebrows’ reaction here says it all.

This is basically the movie. Eyebrows gets more and more convinced that he must have actual experience instead of just delivering “Cool the people. Cool the world” apathy till he does something about it. Here is one of Auto-Chess guy’s pictures.

Now the big issue is to make them laugh, so we go to a sad food fight. No luck. The audience still doesn’t change from their apathy. That is, till this happens to the Auto-Chess guy.

The Coordinator thinks they have had a breakthrough, but Eyebrows wonders if that means they are going to kill someone every night. Once again, Eyebrows provides us with great reactions shots.

Then Eyebrows comes up with the idea of doing the TV Show Survivor. He doesn’t actually call it that, but that’s what it is. He, a woman, and a kid are going to go to what I swear is the set of Man of Aran (1934) to live a “real” life.

It feels like it takes them forever to finally get to the island. They call it The Live-Life Show, which will air 24/7.

Here is our set.

Despite the idea being that they are supposed to be trying to survive alone, two people do show up. The Production Pod says something has to happen, so they made sure there would be a story of some sort in the way of challenges.

Been too long since a reaction shot from Eyebrows, so here you go.

Of course things go wrong, and we end up with another dead body as well as the woman being dead too.

The audience loves it!

The people in the Production Pod also burst into laughter. Roll credits.

There you have The Year of the Sex Olympics. It is a cautionary tale that things like the Olympics and the coming Golden Age of Porn would replace actual experience. In other words, reality television will take over people’s lives, and leave them with nothing but an apathetic existence that may be peaceful, but isn’t life any more. My verdict is that it was surprisingly accurate in its’ prediction of the future of television that expanded to the Internet while not being so predictive of how it affected human behavior. People really haven’t become apathetic, but swung to the opposite with outrage culture and a cacophony of participation/sharing. Sometimes we get outraged over the dumbest things imaginable. During the past year or so my Twitter feed has been filled with people throwing custard pie at each other over a movie about people shooting imaginary things at other imaginary things. However, I never once saw outrage over the poster of God’s Not 2 (2016) equating imaginary persecution of Christians in schools with the Holocaust.

Still, it is an amazing time to live in.

Feel free to interpret The Year of the Sex Olympics as you see fit. They definitely saw things coming that we have with us today, but there are certainly different ways you can tie it to the current state of the world.

The Year of the Sex Olympics is worth seeing as one of those Twilight Zone type social commentary movies disguised as sci-fi. Just don’t expect any sex. The title is bait.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #155: Backstabbed (dir by Doug Campbell)

Posted on September 4, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Backstabbed!

Why Was I Watching It?

Well, the obvious answer is that I was watching it because it was on Lifetime and, as everyone knows, I love anything on Lifetime. The other reason is that I haven’t done many entries in What Lisa Watched Last Night this year. I wanted to correct that!

(And here we are…)

What Was It About?

It’s about lies, love, sex, murder, and the crazy world of real estate. Whenever I watch a movie about real estate, I always wait for someone to yell, “You moved the headstones but you left the bodies, didn’t you!? YOU LEFT THE BODIES!” That didn’t happen in this movie but seriously, real estate is crazy!

Paulette Bolton (Josie Davis) is one of the top real estate people in California but the people who work for her have a tendency to end up dead. That’s because Paulette kills them and a lot of other people.

Paulette has a new protegé: Shelby (Brittany Underwood). Shelby has just received her real estate license and … oh no! Is she thinking of going into competition against her psychotic mentor?

Well, that might not turn out for the best…

What Worked?

One of my favorite things about Lifetime movies is that everyone always lives in such a nice house. Lifetime understands that its audience not only likes to see what people are wearing but where they live as well. Backstabbed was pretty much all about houses. Paulette had a great house. She and Shelby were competing to sell an even better house. Even Shelby’s house was nice and she was supposed to be poor!

In the role of Paulette, Josie Davis was totally and completely insane. She delivered one of the greatest over-the-top performances in Lifetime history and the film was all the better for it! Among the supporting cast, Kevin Spirtas was fun as a decadent home owner and, oddly enough, former Texas Congressman Henry Bonilla had a role as well.

What Did Not Work?

I have to admit that I struggled to follow the plot. It may have been because it’s the Labor Day weekend and I was dividing my attention between the film and my niece and nephew but still, I had a hard time keeping track of why, exactly, Paulette kept killing people. Fortunately, Josie Davis killed people with such panache that it wasn’t a major problem.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

“That’s my dress!” I yelled when, at one point, Paulette showed up wearing a pretty red dress that looked identical to one that I have hanging in my closet. Then Shelby showed up, also wearing a red dress that looked identical to another one that I have hanging in my closer and again, I yelled, “That’s my dress!”

At that point, my niece pointed at the TV and went, “That’s Lisa Marie’s dress!” She’s so cute.

Lessons Learned

Real estate is murder!

And I look good in red…

Back to School Part II #20: Secret Admirer (dir by David Greenwalt)

Posted on September 4, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished watching Girls Just Want To Have Fun, it was time for the 1986 film, Secret Admirer!

Secret Admirer is a fairly good example of a film that is dependent upon the idiot plot. Every plot complication could have been avoided by the characters not being idiots. The entire storyline could have been resolved within five minutes if some of the characters had been willing to ask questions before jumping to assumptions. Idiot plots tend to fun when they deal with teenagers, largely because, when you’re that age, you can get away with being an idiot. That’s part of the charm of being a teenager and why nobody ever wants to grow up. When you’re a teenager, you’re not expected to have any common sense or knowledge of the real world so you can get away with a lot more. At the same time, idiot plots involving adults tend to be annoying because adults really should know better. The idiot plot of Secret Admirer involves both teenagers and adults and, as a result, the film is half-charming and half-annoying.

Smart but shy Toni (Lori Loughlin) has a crush on her lifelong friend, the sweet but kinda stupid Michael (C. Thomas Howell). So, Toni writes Michael an incredibly eloquent love note and slips it into his locker. When Michael finds the note, he assumes that it was written by Debbie (Kelly Preston), who is pretty and popular but only dates college students. When Michael attempts to write a response to Debbie, he is sabotaged by his limited vocabulary, lack of eloquence, and general dimness. Luckily, Toni finds the note and, wanting to spare Michael any embarrassment, rewrites it for him. Debbie is so touched by Toni’s note that she goes out on a date with Michael. Toni is forced to stand in the background and watch while the boy she loves falls for a girl who is obsessed with shopping. (Secret Admirer suggests that this obsession indicates that Debbie is shallow but seriously, who doesn’t love to shop?) Will Toni tells Michael that she loves him or will she leave him so that she can spend a year studying abroad? (Personally, I would leave and have fun exploring Europe but then again, I also love to shop so obviously, Toni and I have conflicting worldviews.)

But that’s not all! Michael’s dad, George (Cliff DeYoung), also finds the note and assumes that it was written to him by Debbie’s mom, Elizabeth (Leigh Taylor-Young). Of course, Debbie’s father, a police detective named Lou (the always gruff Fred Ward), also comes across the note and becomes convinced that George and Elizabeth are having an affair. He somewhat forcibly recruits George’s wife, Connie (Dee Wallace Stone), to help him expose George and Elizabeth for being the cheaters that he believes them to be….

I got annoyed with the parents fairly quickly. It’s always fun to watch Fred Ward grimace and glare at people but otherwise, all of the adults were way too stupid and their behavior reminded me of that terrible episode of Saved By The Bell where the exact same thing happens to Mr. Belding. Secret Admirer works best when the adults are pushed to the background and the film concentrates on the relationship between Toni and Michael. They’re a sweet couple and you really want to see them end up together. Michael may be stupid but he’s still really cute and the film is perfectly charming whenever it concentrates on him and Toni.

Incidentally, Michael has several friends. They all ride around in a van and look through old issues of Playboy together. Most of the friends are interchangeable but I did like Ricardo (Geoffrey Blake), just because he was wearing a suit and a fedora for no particular reason. Ricardo didn’t really get to do much but his fashion sense made a definite impression.

By the admittedly high standards of 80s teen films, Secret Admirer is a minor film. It’ll never be mistaken for Sixteen Candles or Pretty In Pink. That said, it’s still an entertaining and occasionally sweet film. You’ll want to skip over the scenes involving the adults but the scenes involving C. Thomas Howell and Lori Loughlin are perfectly charming.

Back to School Part II #19: Girls Just Want To Have Fun (dir by Alan Metter)

Posted on September 4, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For our next film in this series of Back to School reviews, we take a look at 1985’s Girls Just Want To Have Fun!

And you know what?

It’s true — we do just want to have fun!

The fun in Girls Just Want To Have Fun is pretty much defined by dancing, which is okay with me because I love to dance. However, Girls Just Want To Have Fun had the misfortune to be made in the mid-80s. I have lost track of many 80s films that I’ve watched but I’m still always shocked at how undanceable most 80s music truly was. This film, of course, does contain a cover version of the famous song by Cyndi Lauper and that’s actually a pretty good 80s song. However, the rest of the music (and, by that, I mean the music that everyone in the movie is actually dancing to) is incredibly bland in the way that only music from the decade of We Built This City could be.

As for the film itself, it takes place in Chicago. Janey Glenn (Sarah Jessica Parker) is the newest student at the local Catholic girls school. Janey’s overprotective father (Ed Lauter) is in the army and Janey has lived all over the world. Despite that, Janey is not at all worldly. In fact, when she tries to introduce herself to her classmates, all she can get out is that she’s a gymnast and she loves to dance. (When we actually see Janey dancing or doing any sort of gymnastics, Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair always seems to fall in her face, which is certainly one way to hide a stunt double.)

Janey makes one friend at the school. Lynn (Helen Hunt, looking like a teenager but already sounding like a hung over 40 year-old) is about as wild as a girl can be in 1980s PG-rated film. That’s to say, she wears a leather skirt when she’s not in school and, when she babysits, she orders pizza and then allows the baby to sit on it. (Ewwwwwww! There’s a reason why babies wear diapers….) Lynne and Janey are automatically BFFs because they both love Dance TV!

That’s right — it’s DTV! I wonder what that’s supposed to be based on…

It turns out that DTV is having a contest to pick two new dancers! Disobeying her strict father, Janey sneaks out of the house and joins Lynn in auditioning! Lynn’s partner turns out to be so spastic that Lynn doesn’t make the semi-finals. Later, Lynn discovers that her partner was bribed by rich bitch Natalie Sands (Holly Gagnier). I’m not sure why Natalie felt the need to do that since Lynn wasn’t that impressive to begin with. She’s about as good a dancer as you would expect Helen Hunt to be.

However, Janey does make it to the semi-finals, where she’s partnered with Jeff. Jeff is tough and blue-collar and, at first, it doesn’t seem like he and Janey will get along. So, of course, they end up falling in love and, of course, Natalie’s father tries to force Jeff out of the contest by threatening to put his father out of work. Jeff, incidentally, is played by Lee Montgomery. Years before appearing in Girls Just Want To Have Fun, Montgomery played the little kid who gets crushed by a chimney at the end of Burnt Offerings. Burnt Offerings is a really crappy film but I watch it every time that it comes on TCM just so I can see that chimney crush Lee Montgomery. That said, Montgomery actually does a pretty good job of Jeff. You never quite buy him as a rebel without a cause but he still seems like an authentic and likable teenager. Jeff and Janey are a cute couple and that’s all that really matters.

Just as Janey has a best friend, Jeff also has a best friend. Drew Boreman (Jonathan Silverman) talks too much, tries to sell t-shirts from the trunk of his car, and there’s also a scene were he grabs a random girl’s breasts and makes a comment about using her nipples to tune a radio. Drew is annoying and, once you get over the fact that she’s being played by a young Helen Hunt, so is Lynn. Watching the movie, you kind of want to tell both of them to just calm down for a few minutes.

But you know who is not annoying? Jeff’s younger sister, Maggie, who is played by none other than a very young Shannen Doherty. Maggie was my favorite character because she alone seemed to understand how stupid everyone else in the film was. And she was willing to call them out on it.

ANYWAY — Girls Just Want To Have Fun is one of those movies where next to nothing actually happens. There is an extended sequence where our heroes destroy Natalie’s snooty party with the help of a bunch of punks and female body builders but otherwise, it’s remarkable how little actually happens. That said, some of the dancing is good (even if most of the music is totally bland in the way that only 80s music can be) and it’s interesting to see Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt when they were young. Sarah Jessica Parker actually gives a surprisingly likable performance here, even if it is often way too obvious that a body double is doing the majority of her dancing. That said, you really can’t get any further away from Carrie Bradshaw than Janey Glenn.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun is a time capsule of the decade in which it was made and that is definitely the main reason to watch it. Until time machines are a reality and we can experience the past firsthand, we’ll just have to keep getting our information from movies like this one.

Film Review: Jane Got A Gun (dir by Gavin O’Connor)

Posted on September 3, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Jane Got A Gun, which was released with little fanfare in January and is now available on Netflix, could just as easily have been called This Bishop Boys Are Coming And Who Gives A Fuck?

In fact, I like that title better than Jane Got A Gun. As far as I’m concerned, I am no longer reviewing Jane Got A Gun. Instead, I am going to tell you about a film called The Bishop Boys Are Coming And Who Gives A Fuck?

The film is a western, taking place shortly after the end of the Civil War. (Isn’t it interesting how every western recently produced has taken place shortly after the Civil War? Way to avoid awkward historical truths, Hollywood.) Jane (Natalie Portman) lives on an isolated farm, with her daughter and her husband, Bill Hammond (Noah Emmerich, who is wasted both figuratively and literally). Hammond used to be an outlaw but now, he’s a pretty good guy. But the Bishop Boys are still after him!

Who are the Bishop Boys?

Well, John Bishop is Ewan McGregor. He’s an evil businessman and a bounty hunter and he used to be in love with Jane but now it seems that he mostly just wants to collect the bounty that’s on Hammond’s head. I love Ewan McGregor but, as we all should have learned from his performance in Haywire, he doesn’t make the most convincing villain. McGregor is one of those actors who radiates an inner humanity. No actor falls in love as convincingly as Ewan McGregor. That’s what makes him a compelling actor but it also means that he’s totally miscast as a bounty hunting sociopath.

Anyway, the Bishop Boys end up putting five bullets in Hammond so he goes home to die. “The Bishop Boys are coming,” he says and Jane has to prepare for the upcoming siege. Fortunately, her surly neighbor, Dan (Joel Edgerton, who seems to be bored with the whole thing), just happens to be her former fiancée and he’s still in love with her, though he tries to hide his love behind bitterness and pithy one-liners. It also turns out that Dan was a hero in the Civil War but he’s weary of violence.

Don’t worry, though! Dan is still willing to kill. After all, not much would happen in the movie if Dan wasn’t willing to shoot people…

Anyway, The Bishop Boys Are Coming And Who Gives A Fuck only lasts for 98 minutes but there’s a lot of hints that there was originally supposed to be a lot more to the movie than actually showed up on screen. We get a few lengthy flashbacks, all of which hint at a story that actually explores what it means to be a woman in a patriarchal society and which, if properly handled, would have made The Bishop Boys Are Coming And Who Gives A Fuck the feminist western that it’s attempting to be. Watching this movie, you get the feeling that a lot of the original storyline was either not filmed or left on the cutting room floor.

To be honest, I really wanted this to be a great movie or, at the very least, a decent showcase for Natalie Portman, who was one of my favorite actresses even before Black Swan. However, I officially gave up on this film after 50 minutes. That was around the time that Dan started to ramble about life, death, and doin’ the ratt thang. It was all just so clichéd and the rest of the film wasn’t any better.

The Bishop Boys Are Coming And Who Gives A Fuck? did receive some attention because its screenplay was included in the Black List, which claims to be an annual survey of the best unproduced screenplays in Hollywood. The Black List is one of the greatest con jobs ever perpetrated by the film industry. While it’s true that American Hustle and The King’s Speech appeared on the Black List, a typical Black List screenplay usually turns out to be something like The Beaver, Broken City, or Cedar Rapids. You can add The Bishop Boys Are Coming And Who Gives A Fuck? to the long line of Black List scripts that became utterly forgettable movies.

Back to School Part II #18: Not My Kid (dir by Michael Tuchner)

Posted on September 3, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Not My Kid, a made-for-television from 1985, opens with 15 year-old Susan Bower (Viveka Davis) in a car with her friends. They’re drunk. They’re stoned. They’re laughing. And soon, they’re screaming as the driver loses control and the car ends up getting overturned! (I’ve had that happen before. It wasn’t fun but I survived with only a few cuts and bruises.) Susan isn’t seriously hurt but, at the hospital, it’s discovered that she has alcohol and drugs in her bloodstream.

“NOT MY KID!” her father, surgeon Frank Bower (George Segal), declares.

“NOT MY KID!” her mother, Helen Bower (Stockard Channing, totally wasted in a thinly written role), agrees.

“Totally your kid!” her younger sister, Kelly (Christa Denton), says before then revealing where Susan hides her drugs. This leads to Kelly getting beaten up by Susan and her drug addict boyfriend, Ricky (Tate Fuckin’ Donavon, decades before playing a hostage in Argo.).

Anyway, neither Frank nor Helen want to admit that Susan has a drug problem so instead, they go to see a smug family counselor who tells them that they are both being too hard on their daughter and that they need to just let Susan be Susan. That sounds like a good (and easy) plan but then Susan runs away and disappears for two days. After she’s finally found, stoned and hiding out in the family’s boat, her parents finally decide to send her to rehab.

The rehab is run by Dr. Royce. Dr. Royce is played by Andrew Robinson and it took me a while to recognize him as being the same actor who played the Scorpio Killer in Dirty Harry. Perhaps that explains why Dr. Royce came across as being such a creepy character. As I watched this movie, I kept waiting for the big reveal where Dr. Royce would turn out to be a murderer or something. That never happened, of course. In the world of Not My Kid, the harsh and confrontational Dr. Royce is the only thing keeping the entire teenage population for shooting up heroin.

The majority of the film takes place at the rehab and it gets annoying pretty quickly. This is one of those places where everything is done as a group activity. Whenever someone says something, everyone in the group replies with, “We love you, so-and-so.” When Susan doesn’t act properly ashamed of herself, the group gangs up on her. “You’re a phony!” someone says. “You’re full of crap!” another person adds. “We love you, Susan,” the group chants.

AGCK! Seriously, the rehab scenes totally freaked me out because it came across less like therapy and more like brainwashing. I spent the entire movie waiting for Susan to escape and when she did, I was happy for her. She may have been a self-destructive drug addict but at least wasn’t a mindless zombie like everyone else in the movie! But then she ended up getting caught by her father and taken back to the rehab.

Meanwhile, her parents are going through therapy as well. Again, it’s all group therapy. When Frank tries to talk about how Susan’s behavior makes him feel, someone says, “You’re a phony!’ Another person adds, “You’re full of crap!” And the group chants, “We love you, Frank.” Okay, to be honest, I’m taking some dramatic license with the dialogue here but hopefully, you get the general idea.

I mean, seriously — I understand that I was supposed to be like, “Yay rehab!” while watching the movie but the rehab came across more like some sort of creepy cult. It reminded me of both a Canadian film called, Ticket To Heaven and a Texas film called Split Image. As I watched Not My Kid, I kept waiting for James Woods to show up as a cult deprogrammer.

Anyway, don’t worry. Everything turns out well in the end. This was a made-for-TV movie, after all. Not My Kid is way too heavy-handed for its own good and it lacks a certain self-awareness. On a more positive note, George Segal does a good job in the role of Frank.

You can watch Not My Kid below!

Back to School Part II #17: The Boys Next Door (dir by Penelope Spheeris)

Posted on September 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Three years after starring in Grease 2, Maxwell Caulfield starred in another (albeit far different) film about teenage delinquents, 1985’s The Boys Next Door. Directed by Penelope Spheeris (who also did Suburbia, another film about wayward youth), The Boys Next Door is a frequently harrowing film about a road trip gone very wrong.

The film opens with a series of black-and-white photographs of real-life serial killers, so you know what you’re about to get yourself into before the main action even begins. Caulfield plays Roy, a not-very-smart teenager who lives in an industrial town in the southwest. With his generally bad attitude and violent temper, Roy is one of the least popular kids at the local high school. In fact, his only friend appears to be Bo (Charlie Sheen). Bo is just as stupid as Roy but he’s not as violent. Bo’s problem is that he’s a follower, the type who is incapable of making his own decisions. If Roy says, “Let’s beat the Hell out of someone,” Bo is going to agree because … well, why not?

When Roy and Bo graduate from high school, they don’t have much more to look forward to than a life of working in a factory. After an angry Roy violently lashes out at a graduation party, he decides that he and Bo should get out of town. Fortunately, Bo has received $200 as a graduation gift. Roy and Bo decide to use that money to take a trip to Los Angeles.

On the way to L.A., it quickly becomes obvious that Roy is more than just an angry kid. When he and Bo rob a gas station, Roy savagely beats the attendant. When they get to Los Angeles, all Roy can talk about is how much he hates the city and everyone who lives in it. Roy is especially vocal about how much he hates anyone who he perceives as being gay…

Of course, even as Roy is loudly expressing every homophobic thought that pops into his tiny mind, it’s hard not to notice that he seems to be rather obsessed with Bo. In fact, he is so obsessed with Bo that he basically kills anyone who shows the least bit of interest in Bo. Paranoid that Bo is going to abandon him, Roy is willing to do anything to keep that from happening.

The Boys Next Door is one of those films that really took me by surprise. It may start and look like your typical low-budget thriller but The Boys Next Door ultimately reveals itself to be a disturbingly plausible portrait of a sociopath. The film suggests that, as individuals, both Roy and Bo are somewhat laughable but, as a team, they’re deadly. It’s no wonder that Roy is so insistent that Bo always stay with him because, without Bo around, Roy wouldn’t have any motivation to do anything. Everything that Roy does — from theft to murder — is largely to impress Bo. Unfortunately, Bo is too stupid to understand what’s going on in his friend’s head.

Especially when compared to some of the other performances that they are known for, both Sheen and Caulfield do surprisingly good work as the two murderers. Penelope Spheeris wisely directs the film as if it were a documentary and the end result is a harrowing film that deserves to be far better known.

The Things You Find On Netflix: XOXO (dir by Christopher Louie)

Posted on September 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I just watched XOXO, the latest Netflix original film and what can I say? Well, I better figure out something to say because otherwise, this is going to be an extremely short review.

XOXO is the latest attempt to capture the American EDM scene on film and, if nothing else, it’s better than We Are Your Friends. In the style of Richard Linklater, the film takes place over one night at the XOXO Music Festival (which should not be confused with the real-life annual festival that takes place in Portland) and follows the adventures of several different characters, all of whom are linked together by their love of a track called All I Ever Wanted. In real-life, All I Ever Wanted is the work of Michael Brun. In XOXO, it’s the work of a YouTube sensation named Ethan Shaw.

Krystal (Sara Hyland) comes to XOXO specifically so she can meet Jordan, a boy that she has previously only talked to online. Despite having never met him face-to-face, Krystal is convinced that she is in love with Jordan and she wants to hear All I Ever Wanted with him by her side. While her friends run off without her, Krystal wanders around the festival, trying to meet up with the continually elusive Jordan.

(Should I mention that Jordan was also the name of the online predator who attempted to molest Emma in the first episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation? I guess I might as well…)

And then there’s Neil (Chris D’Elia). Neil is old. Neil is burned out, almost as if he spent two years co-starring in a sitcom with Whitney Cummings. Despite having rented a party bus to take people to the festival, Neil claims that he hates the whole scene. Neil, it turns out, is still stuck in the 90s. Is it possible that, after making a lot of cynical comments and wandering around looking glum, Neil will eventually start to dance and get caught up in the redemptive spirit of PLUR? (If you already know what PLUR stands for, you’ll probably enjoy XOXO more than someone who doesn’t.)

Shannie (Hayley Kiyoko) and Ray (Colin Woodell) are attending their final festival together. Shannie will soon be moving away and she and Ray are going to have to try to do the dreaded long distance thing. When they lose their tickets and then discover that the festival is sold out, they don’t riot like everyone else. Instead, they duck into the sewers and try to sneak into the festival. Of course, they get lost along the way but that gives them a chance to talk about their relationship. Shannie and Ray didn’t get as much screentime as some of the characters but I liked them. I related to their relationship and you know what? I also would have found a way to sneak into the concert and hear All I Ever Wanted too.

DJ Avilo (Ryan Hansen), who is hopefully not meant to be a stand-in for the real DJ Avilo, is a superstar but he’s also a jerk. He and his manager (LaMonica Garrett) are notorious for cheating up-and-coming young artists. Fortunately, Avilo does get punched in the face at one point. He deserves it.

And finally, there’s Ethan Shaw (Graham Phillips)! Ethan has suddenly been given a chance to perform at XOXO but he only has 8 hours to get there and get prepared to perform! Will Ethan make it and, once he arrives, will he be tricked by Avilo? Ethan, of course, is an idealist whereas Avilo brags about how he just views everyone in the audience as being a dollar sign. But, Avilo also says that he can make Ethan a star. It doesn’t help that Ethan’s current manager, Tariq (Brett DelBuono) shows up late for the festival and is then kissed by a random girl who just happens to have a tap of LSD on her tongue. While Tariq trips, Ethan struggles to maintain his integrity.

XOXO has been getting a lot of negative reviews but I actually kind of liked it. It’s not a great film by any means but it does a good job of portraying an admittedly exaggerated version of American EDM culture. (If you go to the film’s imdb page, you can find all the usual dismissive comments from Europeans bitching about American and western culture. Any film that pisses off a snooty European can’t be all bad.) The film’s totally predictable but the cast is pretty and the music’s great and really, isn’t that all that really matters?

As one character says, “I created this festival because I like to dance. Dancing is important.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Back to School Part II #16: The Karate Kid (dir by John G. Avildsen)

Posted on September 1, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Finally, I am getting a chance to continue my series of Back to School reviews!

Earlier today, we had a pretty big storm down here in Texas and it knocked out the electricity for three and a half hours! There I was, sitting in the dark and wondering if I would ever get a chance to review the 16th movie in this 56-film review series.

(Originally, I was planning on being done by this weekend but, as always seems to happen whenever I do a review series, I’m currently running behind so it’ll probably won’t be until the weekend after next that I post my final Back to School review.)

Fortunately, the Oncor truck eventually showed up in the alley. I, of course, ran out into the back yard and started to shout at them, “I need power! I have movies to review!” They must have heard me because, suddenly, the power came back on. And now, I can finally get around to sharing a few thoughts on the original, 1984 version of The Karate Kid!

Up until last night, believe it or not, I had never seen The Karate Kid before. Certainly, I knew about it. Much like Star Wars and Star Trek, The Karate Kid is one of those cultural landmarks that everyone knows about even if they haven’t actually sat down and watched the movie. Even before I watched the film, I knew about Mr. Miyagi. I knew about “wax on” and “wax off.” I knew about the crane. I even knew about “You’re alright, LaRusso!”

But I hadn’t actually seen the film and I have to admit that I was a little bit hesitant about doing so. Everything I had heard about The Karate Kid made it sound like a thoroughly predictable and excessively 80s sports film. I was expecting the film to be all about power ballads and training montages and uplifting dialogue and certainly, The Karate Kid had a lot of that.

But what took me by surprise is what a genuinely sweet movie The Karate Kid is. Yes, it’s predictable and it’s full of clichés but dammit, it all works. It still brought tears to my mismatched eyes.

The karate kid of the title is Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio), who moves, with his mother, from New Jersey to California. Daniel’s a nice kid who has learned a little karate from reading books but he’s still no match for the bullies at his new high school. Daniel does get a girlfriend, Ali Mills (Elisabeth Shue, giving a performance that feels far more genuine than any of her more recent work), but even that leads to him getting in trouble. It turns out that Ali’s ex-boyfriend is Johnny (William Zabka), the top student at Cobra Kai. Oddly enough, Johnny’s teacher is also named John. John Kreese (Martin Kove) is a Vietnam veteran who decorates his dojo with pictures of himself looking threatening. Kreese, we soon discover, is a total psychopath. “NO MERCY!” he shouts at this students.

When Johnny and his fellow Cobra Kai students beat up Daniel on Halloween, Daniel’s life is saved by Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita). Mr. Miyagi may appear to just be a simple maintenance man but he’s actually a total badass. He teaches Daniel not only the moves of karate (“Wax on…wax off…”) but the philosophy as well. He explains to Daniel that there are “No bad students. Just bad teacher.” In short, he is the exact opposite of Kreese.

Who is the better teacher? That’s a question that will be answered when Daniel faces off against the Cobra Kai bullies at the Under-18 All-Valley Karate Tournament. Can Daniel defeat Johnny, win Ali’s love, and earn the right to live free of harassment?

Well, it would be a pretty depressing movie if he didn’t…

Anyway, The Karate Kid turned out to be a really sweet and likable movie. I was never surprised by the movie’s plot but I still found myself being drawn into the story and hoping that everything would work out for Daniel and Ali. The character of Mr. Miyagi has been parodied in so many other films that I was a bit surprised to see just how good Pat Morita was in the role. Yes, Morita gets to say a lot of funny lines but he also gets a rather harrowing dramatic scene where talks about how his wife and child died while he was away, serving in the army.

It’s interesting to note that, at the end of the film, even Johnny got to show a glimmer of humanity, suggesting that even the worst jerk in the world can be redeemed by a good ass-kicking. That said, Kreese is pure evil from beginning to end and Johnny’s friend, Dutch (played by Chad McQueen), is about as scary a high school bully as I’ve ever seen. But at least Johnny is willing to admit the truth.

LaRusso?

He’s alright.

Film Review: The Sea of Trees (dir by Gus Van Sant)

Posted on September 1, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Nobody wants to admit it but there was a time when all of us self-styled award divas were convinced that Gus Van Sant’s latest film, The Sea of Trees, would be a huge Oscar contender.

Can you blame us?

Sure, you can! But, before you do, look at it from our point of view. Gus Van Sant is an acclaimed director who has split his time between Oscar-baity mainstream movies (Good Will Hunting, Milk) and deliberately obscure art films (Elephant). Two of Van Sant’s films have been nominated for best picture and he has twice been nominated for best director. The Sea of Trees stars two Oscar nominees (Naomi Watts and Ken Watanabe) and an Oscar winner (Matthew McConaughey). Much like the 2003 best picture nominee Lost in Translation, The Sea of Trees dealt with an American in Japan.

Yep, The Sea of Trees definitely looked like a contender but then it premiered at the Cannes Film Festival and everything went downhill. The audience laughed. The critics booed. The negative reaction to the film quickly became legendary. Suddenly, it looked like this former Oscar contender would be lucky to even get an American release. Both Lionsgate and Roadside Attractions acquired the U.S. distribution rights and both companies dropped the film.

As a result, I found myself growing fascinated with The Sea of Trees. How bad could it be, I wondered. The fact that I might never get a chance to actually see the movie only added to my interest.

Well, fortunately, A24 eventually acquired the distribution rights to The Sea of Trees and they have now given the film a limited release in the States. I saw it last night and…

Meh.

Seriously, after all the publicity and drama, I was expecting that The Sea of Trees would be a total and complete fiasco, one of those train wreck movies that you just can’t look away from. But, to be honest, The Sea of Trees is not an artistic fiasco in the style of Batman v Superman, nor is it unintentionally amusing like April Rain. Instead, it’s just a really boring film.

When I heard the plot of the film, I thought it would be an unofficial companion piece to Van Sant’s acclaimed Death Trilogy. In many ways, the plot sounded a lot like the plot of Gerry. Arthur Brennan (Matthew McConaughey) is a widowed professor who goes to Japan and visits Aokigahara Forest, the famous suicide forest at the foot of Mt. Fiji. Brennan is planning to end his life but he’s distracted by a Japanese man, Takumi Nakamura (Ken Watanabe), who claims to be lost in the forest. However, Nakamura has deep cuts on his wrists.

Brennan tries to help Nakamura find his way out of the forest but soon, the two of them discover themselves to be lost. Brennan spends a lot of time talking about life philosophy and I have to admit that I had a hard time following what he was saying because I was bored out of my mind. (It doesn’t help that McConaughey delivers his dialogue in the same style that he used for his infamous car commercials.) Nakamura doesn’t say much at all.

We also get several flashbacks to Brennan’s former life with his wife (played by Naomi Watts). The scenes all have a definite Nicholas Sparks feel to them. And yet, the flashbacks were the best part of the film because of the chemistry between McConaughey and Watts. The flashbacks are openly and unapologetically sentimental, without any of the pretension that mars the scenes between Brennan and Nakamura.

On a positive note, the film’s cinematography is often striking and the opening, with Brennan walking past random corpses while looking for the perfect place to end his life, is nicely done. Otherwise, almost the entire film is a misfire. Matthew McConaughey is one of those actors who is naturally so full of life that it’s hard to buy him as a suicidal academic and the film, which is already overlong at nearly two hours, drags. This is one of those films that has about a dozen false endings before the final credits finally roll. Meanwhile, as the action slowly plays out, the original score pounds you over the head. Important Important Important, the score demands even as the film fails to deliver.

And so, that’s The Sea of Trees.

It’s not exactly a fiasco but it is unforgivably forgettable.