Tag Archives: Film

Cleaning Out The DVR: Stickman (dir by Sheldon Wilson)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there!  So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR.  Seriously, I currently have 191 things recorded!  I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not.  So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR!  Will I make it?  Keep checking this site to find out!  I recorded Stickman off of the SyFy on October 21st!)

When she was seven years old, Emma (Hayley Law) was accused of two terrible crimes.

The authorities say that Emma murdered both her sister and her mother.  She’s spent the last ten years in an institution, haunted by nightmares of the demonic monster that she claims committed the murders.  According to Emma, the Stickman comes for you if you make the mistake of reading a poem aloud.  The only way to keep the Stickman at bay is to draw a picture of him every night.  Of course, no one believes Emma.  At the institution, she has to regularly deal with smug doctors who refuse to accept that she’s being stalked by an unstoppable monster.  Obviously, they’ve never watched It Follows or that HBO documentary about Slenderman.

When 17 year-old Emma is finally released from the institution, she is sent to a half-way house where she is to live with 5 other girls.  They’ve all committed different crimes.  One of them is an arsonist.  Another one has a paranoid obsession with the dark web.  Emma’s the only one to have been accused of murder.  Even though Emma is assured that, as far as the other girls are concerned, “their bark is worse than their bite,” she soon finds herself targeted by Liv (Zoe De Grand Maison).  Not only does Liv refuses to believe in Stickman but she also doesn’t want to live with a murderer.

(I have to admit that sounds kinda reasonable to me.)

Anyway, as you can probably guess, that poem gets read again.  And, on her first night of half-way house living, Emma has a nightmare about the Stickman.  However, this time, Stickman doesn’t just stay in her dreams.  Instead, Stickmsn shows up in the real world and starts killing people.  Emma thinks that she can find a way to stop Stickman if she returns to the hospital.  Liv, meanwhile, remains convinced that Stickman is a myth and somehow, Emma is responsible for it all…

Stickman was aired as a part of SyFy’s 31 Days of Halloween.  I really wish that SyFy would show more original films.  Years ago, they used to show a new movie every weekend.  Now, we only get original movies during Shark Week and October.  (And, this October, SyFy devoted one weekend time slot to Jeepers Creepers 3, directed by convicted and admitted pedophile, Victor Salva.  Seriously, what the Hell was up with that?)  Original SyFy films, like Stickman, are always fun to watch and live tweet so it really does seem, to me, that SyFy is missing an opportunity by not showing more of them.

Anyway, I enjoyed Stickman.  Sheldon Wilson has directed several SyFy films and he obviously know how to create and maintain a properly ominous atmosphere.  Stickman is full of dark shadows and sudden jump scares and, even if he is a bit of a familiar monster, the Stickman is genuinely creepy.  Though none of the characters are particularly complex, everyone goes a good job making enough of an impression that you can keep everyone straight.  If I really wanted to, I could probably devote another 500 words to picking apart the plot and citing every logical inconsistency but you know what?  That would be totally missing the point.  This is a horror movie.  It doesn’t have to always make sense, it just has to be entertaining.  In the end, Stickman was a fun movie for Halloween.  I wish SyFy would make more like it.

25 Best, Worst, and Gems I Saw In 2017

Posted on by Valerie Troutman

I am not back yet. Health issues aside, I have been having major computer issues for more than a month now that are going to make regular posts out of the question. Also, my mom passed away suddenly two weeks before Christmas. Things aren’t so good here at the moment. However, I did watch over 1,100 movies in 2017, so I figured my requisite end of the year post was something I should do no matter how lean it may be because I can’t really take screenshots and lost the ones I took during the year.

The same rules as last year still apply:

  1. There is no particular order to the films in these lists. They either made it, or not.
  2. These are not necessarily films that came out in 2017. In fact, none did–darn Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back at the Return Of The Jedi being decent, if still a mess. These are films that I saw for the first time in 2017.
  3. The gems list are films that don’t make the best list, but I want to put a spotlight on them.
  4. If you disagree with any of my choices. Good! I want people to form their own opinions and think for themselves. But if you care to share those opinions, then be nice about it, or you won’t receive a response from me.

Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger)

Best:

  1. The Telephone Book (1971)
  2. At Berkeley (2013)
  3. Samurai Cop (1991)
  4. Vampire’s Kiss (1988)
  5. The Beguiled (1971)
  6. Fire In The Sky (1993)
  7. And The Band Played On (1993)
  8. Coal Miner’s Daughter (1980)
  9. StageFright (1987)
  10. Deadpool (2016)
  11. The Hit Girl (2013)
  12. A Simple Life (2011)
  13. 45 Years (2015)
  14. Barbara Broadcast (1977)
  15.  3 A.M. (1975)
  16. Magnum Force (1973)
  17. The Mechanic (1972)
  18. Romancing The Stone (1984)
  19. Censored Voices (2015)
  20. Marshland (2014)
  21. Nostalgia For The Light (2010)
  22. Stir Of Echoes (1999)
  23. Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)
  24. Malcolm (1986)
  25. The Forbidden Room (2015)
Poster for Roar (1981)

Poster for Roar (1981)

Except for that one lion that you can see someone kick in the face a couple of times. Otherwise, this movie that portrays lions as slasher movie villains was totally humane to animals. It’s right about the actors.

Speaking of Melanie Griffith, she would end up having some of her most memorable lines from Working Girl (1988) lifted to be in Fifty Shades Darker (2017).

From Working Girl:

New Secretary: Maybe now would be a good time to go over what you expect of me.
Tess: I, uh, I expect you to call me Tess. I don’t expect you fetch me coffee unless you’re getting some for yourself, and um…the rest we’ll just make up as we go along.

From Fifty Shades Darker:

New “Secretary”: I mean, am-am I expected to call you Miss Steele?
Anastasia: I expect you to call me Ana. And I don’t expect you to fetch me coffee unless you’re getting some for yourself. And…the rest of it, we’ll just make up as we go along.

Worst:

  1. The Letters (2014)
  2. Emmanuelle In Rio (2003)
  3. Bat Pussy (1973)
  4. Lethal Games (1991)
  5. Sunburst (1975)
  6. Roar (1981)
  7. Knock Knock (2015)
  8. I Am Here… Now (2009)
  9. Cabin Fever (2002) & Cabin Fever (2016) — They can share a spot.
  10. Fantasies (1981)
  11. Lady In The Water (2006)
  12. Dreamcatcher (2003)
  13. Adult Entertainment: Disrobing An American Idol (2007)
  14. All the Paul W.S. Anderson/Milla Jovovich Resident Evil movies — They can also share a single spot.
  15. Hillary’s America: The Secret History Of The Democratic Party (2016)
  16. Jem And The Holograms (2015)
  17. The 5th Wave (2016)
  18. Split (2016) — The one directed by Jamie Buckner.
  19. Stir Of Echoes: The Homecoming (2007)
  20. The Tomb (2009)
  21. Different Strokes (1998)
  22. Deadly Spygames (1989)
  23. Incoming Freshman (1979) — The Cannon re-edit of the film. I couldn’t find a copy of the original version.
  24. White Fury (1990)
  25. The Hunchback Of Notre Dame (1996) — The Golden Films version under the banner of “Enchanted Tales.” You know, the one about talking musical instruments with a few minutes of a guy who walks around hunched over with hair in his face that stands up straight and brushes his hair out of the way to solve his problems at the end. That one.
VHS Cover for Shark's Paradise (1986)

VHS Cover for Shark’s Paradise (1986)

And that force is a group of Australian actors doing their best to start a Miami Vice-like show with a TV Movie about chasing after someone that is using sharks to kill people.

Gems:

  1. The Subspecies series — The entire series is fun. Pro tip: You don’t have to watch Vampire Journals (1997) to see the 4th film.
  2. Future Hunters (1986)
  3. Hercules In The Haunted World (1961)
  4. Laser Mission (1989)
  5. Warriors Of The Wasteland (1983)
  6. Shark’s Paradise (1986)
  7. Deadly Friend (1986)
  8. The Witchcraft series — All of them. From the birth of William in the really boring first film to the meta 16th film, they are all worth seeing if you enjoy bad movies. Some of them are much worse than others, but I had a really good time with these movies, and I hope they make more of them.
  9. Zombi 3 (1988)
  10. Queens Of Evil (1970)
  11. Killdozer (1974)
  12. Café Flesh (1982) or Café Flesh (1986) as it is now listed on IMDb
  13. Old Enough (1984)
  14. The Hunted (1995)
  15. Outland (1981)
  16. Technology/Transformation Wonder Woman (1978/9)
  17. Enter The Ninja (1981)
  18. Coming Home (2014)
  19. The House By The Cemetery (1981)
  20. Short Term 12 (2013)
  21. My Dog Tulip (2009)
  22. Pledge Sister (1973) — This one made the list purely on the grounds of its soundtrack, which includes everything from Gregorian Chants to directly lifting Sunshine Superman by Donovan. And they use it better than Pan (2015) did Smells Like Teen Spirit or Vacation (2015) did Without You. I hope that whoever put the soundtrack together for this otherwise anonymous 70’s adult film went on to do work in mainstream cinema.
  23. A Thief In The Night (1972)
  24. East Side Sushi (2014)
  25. Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (2003)

What Lisa Watched Last Night #172: Web Cam Girls (dir by Doug Campbell)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched one of the final Lifetime movies of 2017, Web Cam Girls!

Why Was I Watching It?

Well, the obvious answer is that I was watching it because it was on Lifetime and our regular readers know how much I love Lifetime!

However, from the minute that I saw the first commercial for Web Cam Girls, I grew convinced that it would be better than the average 2017 Lifetime film.  The commercials were just so melodramatic and wonderfully sordid.  If I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that the best Lifetime films always seem to be about capitalizing on people’s fear of the dark web.  (Then again, people probably should be scared of the dark web…)

Finally, I knew that I was going to have to review this film just because of the title.  Now, whenever someone does a search for “web cam girls,” there’s a good chance they’ll end up on this site.  They’ll probably get mad once they arrive here but a click is a click.

What Was It About?

Carolyn (Lorynn York) needs money so she becomes a web cam girl.  Her cousin, Alex (Sedona Legge), says it’s a bad and dangerous idea but Carolyn claims that it’s actually the safest way to make money.  She never meets the men who watch her.  All she has to do is undress a little on camera and, pretty soon, she’ll be able to get an apartment in New York and make all of her dreams come true.

But then, one night, Carolyn gives in to temptation to agrees to meet one of her admirers in a sleazy motel.  She promptly vanishes, leaving Alex and their friend Shawn (Liam McKanna) to try to figure out what happened.  Was she kidnapped and, if so, by whom?  There are suspects all around and it’s starting to look like the only way Alex is going to find her is by going on camera herself.

What Worked?

Oh my God, Lifetime really did save the best for last!  After a year that left many longtime Lifetime viewers feeling somewhat disappointed, Lifetime finally gave us the type of movie that made us fall in love with the network in the first place.  Web Cam Girls is wonderfully melodramatic, over the top, and incredibly entertaining.  The houses are beautiful, the villain is perhaps one of the most evil characters to ever appear in a Lifetime film, and the whole thing is full of details that will reward the observant viewer.

For instance, Carolyn, Alex, and Shawn discuss watching Sunrise in film class.  Sunrise, of course, is a film about an innocent who is tempted by the sinful city, much in the same way that Carolyn and Alex are tempted by the sinful internet.  Later, another teacher tells Alex that he was impressed with her essay about H.P. Lovecraft.  References to both Lovecraft and F.W. Murnau in a Lifetime movie?  How can’t you love that?

It was also well-acted.  Stephen Graybill and Joe Hackett were memorable as two sinister teachers.  I liked both Jon Bridell as Carolyn’s drunk but ultimately heroic father and John Dinan as his best friend.  In the role of Carolyn’s mentor, Nikki, Tonya Kay made such a strong impression that a lot of us on twitter were demanding that Nikki get a spin-off film of her own.  Down to the smallest part, everyone made their character interesting.

What Did Not Work?

It all worked.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

When I was in high school, I also used to dress in black and write essays about H.P. Lovecraft.

Lessons Learned

Beware the dark web!

 

In Memoriam 2017: Film & Television

Posted on by gary loggins

gary loggins's avatarcracked rear viewer

Classic movie lovers suffered a huge loss when long-time TCM host Robert Osbourne passed away at age 84. Robert’s extensive film knowledge and warm personality were always a welcome presence in my home, as I’m sure it was in movie lover’s across the country. Cracked Rear Viewer respectfully dedicates this post to the memory of the gone-but-never-to-be-forgotten Robert Osbourne.

Jerry Lewis, 1977

Old movie buffs (some say weirdos!) like myself also mourned the loss of many of our favorite stars in 2017. First and foremost there was comedian/actor/writer/director… you name it, Jerry Lewis did it! From his early days clowning with partner Dean Martin to his final dramatic role in 2016’s MAX ROSE, Lewis was a show business legend in every respect. Beautiful Anne Jeffreys (94) starred at RKO with everyone from Frank Sinatra (STEP LIVELY) to Bela Lugosi (ZOMBIES ON BROADWAY ), and also made her mark in television…

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Playing Catch-Up With The Films of 2017: American Assassin (dir by Michael Cuesta)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Probably the best thing about American Assassin is how simple it is.

The film opens on the beach, with Mitch Rapp (Dylan O’Brien) asking his girlfriend to marry him.  No sooner has she accepted than suddenly, terrorists are washing up on the beach and, in a genuinely frightening scene, shooting everyone that they see.  Mitch is wounded.  His girlfriend is killed.

Mitch seeks revenge against the man who killed his “future wife” (to borrow a phrase from The Room) but U.S. Special Forces kill the terrorist seconds before Mitch gets the chance.  However, the CIA is so impressed, by Mitch’s single-minded and obsessive desire for revenge, that they recruit him to join Orion, a black ops unit.  Under the guidance of grizzled veteran, Stan Hurley (Michael Keaton), Mitch becomes an American assassin.  His first mission?  To stop a renegade mercenary known as the Ghost (Taylor Kitsch).

In many ways, American Assassin feels like a throwback to the action films of the early aughts.  There’s none of the moral ambiguity of the Bourne films and Mitch Rapp never indulges in any of the self-loathing that’s marred the Daniel Craig James Bond films.  Remember how Bond got drunk and tried to interrogate that rat in SPECTRE?  Judging from American Assassin, that’s something Mitch Rapp would never do.  And, if he ever did, Stan Hurley would probably tell him to stop whining and get back to work.

In American Assassin, the bad guys are undoubtedly the bad guys and the good guys are undoubtedly the good guys and, while that may not be the approach that leads to Academy Awards and overwhelming critical acclaim, it still makes for an undeniably entertaining movie.  Director Michael Cuesta does a good job with the action scenes and he gets good performances from the entire cast.  Taylor Kitsch is far more compelling as a villain than he ever was in any of his heroic roles and, not surprisingly, Michael Keaton steals the whole show as the tough but caring Stan Hurley.  Michael Keaton is definitely one of the best actors working today.  He can slide seamlessly from a prestige drama like Spotlight to an action film like American Assassin to a comic book film like Spider-Man: Homecoming and he can do it without missing a beat.  Those are three very different films and Keaton was the best thing in all of them.

And, finally, we have Dylan O’Brien.  Last year, as we all know, O’Brien was seriously injured while filming the third Maze Runner film.  At the time, it was announced that O’Brien’s injuries were “substantial but not life threatening” but I know there was a feeling that his career might be over.  Even though American Assassin was not his first film since getting injured, it was his first starring role and I have to admit that it was good to see O’Brien back and looking good.  O’Brien brought a lot of gravity to the role of Mitch Rapp.  He had the haunted look of a man obsessed with revenge.  When I saw O’Brien in The Maze Runner and, before that, in Teen Wolf, I thought he was a pleasant young actor but, in American Assassin, he gives his most mature performance to date.  With American Assassin, Dylan O’Brien grows up.

As I said, American Assassin is a simple film.  There’s not much going on beneath the surface and it you’re looking for anything deeper than pure entertainment, you might want to look elsewhere.  American Assassin is what it is and makes no apologies.  What it does, it does well.

Film Review: Kingsman: The Golden Circle (dir by Matthew Vaughn)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Before I say too much about Kingsman: The Golden Circle, I do want to acknowledge a few good things about the movie.

First off, it doesn’t take long for the film to reveal that Harry (Colin Firth) didn’t actually die when Samuel L. Jackson shot him in the head in the first movie.  Undoubtedly, that diminishes the power of that scene but, at the same time, it also means that Colin Firth gets to come back.

Secondly, Taron Egerton returns as Eggsy.  The script really doesn’t give him too many opportunities to show what he’s capable of as an actor, largely because the character of Eggsy was fully developed by the end of the first movie.  Now that Eggsy is a fully trained and competent Kingsman, there’s not really much for him to do other than trade a few quips and take a few lives.  That said, Egerton is a likable actor and he’s fun to watch.

Third, Julianne Moore has a few fun scenes as the film’s main villain, Poppy Adams.  Poppy is the head of an international drug cartel.  She’s also obsessed with the 1950s and always amazingly cheerful.

Fourth, all of the Kingsmen still wear suits and Michael Caine-style glasses.  Colin Firth gets to use his umbrella as a shield.

Finally, Mark Strong is back as Merlin.

So, that’s five good things about Kingsman: The Golden Circle.  Unfortunately, all five of those things are somewhat obscured by the fact that the movie really, really sucks.

Admittedly, I had really high hopes for the movie.  I loved the first Kingsman film, which was a stylish satire that featured one of the greatest action set pieces of all time.  And I was excited to see that not only was Firth returning but Matthew Vaughn would also be directing the sequel.

But no.  This movie just doesn’t work.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle attempts to do everything on a larger scale than the first Kingsman.  That means more violence, more betrayals, and a longer running time.  This time, the movie not only features the Kingsmen but also the Statesmen, which is the American equivalent of the Kingsmen.  (The Statesmen all dress like cowboys and speak in exaggerated Southern drawls, which I got kind of sick of listening to after about three minutes.)  Along with the returning stars of the first film, Jeff Bridges, Emily Watson, Bruce Greenwood, Halle Berry, and Channing Tatum all have small roles.  Pedro Pascal (best known for playing Oberyn Martell on Game of Thrones) has a much larger role as a Statesman codenamed Whiskey.

Unfortunately, bigger is not always better.  The Golden Circle never comes close to matching the lunatic heights of the first movie.  There are a lot of action scenes but none of them match the church fight from the first film.  There’s a surprise death but it’s nowhere near as shocking or effective as Firth’s “death” in the first film.  Even the required barroom brawl falls flat.  Nowhere does The Golden Circle match the audacity of the first film.  The first film ended with exploding heads.  This film ends with the promise of more sequels.

But really, I think what really doomed The Golden Circle was that extended running time.  There’s really no good reason for The Golden Circle to last for 2 hours and 21 minutes.  Quite a bit of the film, especially during the first hour, felt padded out and, as a result, it seemed like took forever for the film’s story to actually get started.  Probably 40 minutes to an hour could have been cut from The Golden Circle without anyone missing it.

Ultimately, I think the main problem is that the first Kingsman felt like it was made by people who truly did love the material.  This film feels contractually obligated.  The Golden Circle has a lot of action but it’s just not very fun.

Here’s The Latest Teaser For Black Panther!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

2017 is nearly over and soon, we’ll be obsessing over the films of 2018!

And one of the films that we’ll definitely be obsessing the most over will be the latest installment in the MCU, Black Panther!

Just in time for Christmas, a new teaser has dropped for Black Panther and here it is:

Playing Catch Up With The Films of 2017: The Boss Baby (dir by Tim McGrath)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

I have to admit that The Boss Baby is an animated film that I have mixed feelings about.

Actually, that shouldn’t be surprising.  The Boss Baby is the epitome of the type of film that is disliked by critics but loved by audiences.  It got fairly dismissive reviews but it also made a ton of money and apparently, there’s a sequel in the works.

It’s a product of Dreamworks Animation, which has always basically been Pixar without the edge.  If Pixar films often seem to be about the animators working out their own personal issues through their work, the films from Dreamworks are often distinguished by just how little is actually going on beneath the surface.  If Pixar specializes in crowd pleasers that challenge you to think, Dreamworks specializes in crowd pleasers that invite you to sit back and relax.

(Of course, that’s a generalization.  Dreamworks is responsible for the Shrek films, the majority of which I absolutely love.  At the same time, as much as I love Pixar, I would warn against giving too much thought to anything in the first two Cars films.)

Anyway, The Boss Baby is the story of Ted, a little baby who wears a suit and tie and who sounds just like Alec Baldwin.  Strangely, only his older brother , Tim (Max Bakshi), appears to see anything strange about any of this.  Everyone just dismisses Tim’s concern as a product of Tim being jealous of his baby brother and, to a certain extent, they have a point.  The older children are always jealous of their younger siblings.  (Fortunately, I was the youngest of four so I never had to be jealous of anyone.)  Still, it turns out that Tim is correct about something being strange about Ted, who has actually been sent into the world on a secret mission.  Francis E. Francis (Steve Buscemi) is the CEO of Puppy Corp. and he’s conspiring to make puppies cuter than babies.  The Boss Baby has to stop him and he only has a few days to do so before he forgets how to speak and turns into an ordinary baby.

It’s a surprisingly busy plot and a lot of it feels as if it was ripped off from the Toy Story films.  Instead of talking toys, we’ve got a talking baby.  Just as Toy Story 3 featured a lengthy chase scene and a bitter villain, The Boss Baby features a lengthy chase scene and a bitter villain.  Much as how every Toy Story movie ended with a rumination on what it means to get older and grow up, The Boss Baby ends with a rumination on what it means to get older and grow up.  Many times, The Boss Baby feels like a compilation of scenes and characters lifted from other animated films.

At the same time, the idea of a baby wearing a suit and talking like a New York tough guy is undeniably cute.  I’m not the world’s biggest Alec Baldwin fan but, in this case, it’s perfect casting.  As the film itself makes clear, babies are cute.  This is especially true when they’re animated and you’re not the one who has to change their diapers or clean up after them.

There’s a thin line between keeping an audience happy and pandering and, often, The Boss Baby steps over that line.  It’s a very derivative film, one that never reaches either the comedic or the emotional highs of a good Pixar film.  However, the baby is cute and sometimes, that’s enough.