Film Review: Close Calls (dir by Richard Stringham)

Posted on August 4, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, I was lucky enough to get a chance to see a new independent horror film called Close Calls.

When Close Calls begins, the first image that appears on the screen is of a VHS tape. Even though it’s just a part of the logo for S & Drive Cinema, that VHS tape is exactly the right image to start this film off with. Close Calls is a throwback to the horror films of the late 70s and the early 80s. It’s a film that pays homage to the old slasher and haunted house films that, though they may not have had a huge budget, did have an abundance of atmosphere, shocks, and out-of-control plot twists. I always love a good homage so, as soon as I saw that VHS tape, I was excited to see what would follow.

Teenager Morgan MacKenzie (Jordan Phipps) has her own very good reasons for being upset with the world in general. She is still struggling to deal with the death of her mother, something that is not made any easier by the fact that her father, David (Kristof Waltermire), is now dating the bitchy Brynn (Carmen Patterson). (Morgan describes Brynn as being a “steaming pile of bitch.”) She lives in a really nice house but, due to her rebellious attitude and her casual drug use, her father has grounded her and refuses to trust her. (When he hears Morgan swear, he snaps, “If I was to cuss at my dad the way that you do, he would have beat the shit out of me!” That’s the kind of father that David is.) Whenever David leaves the house, he takes Morgan’s phone with him. Morgan is literally a prisoner in the house, with her only company being her rather strange grandmother (Janis Duley). Grandma spend her time upstairs, occasionally ringing a bell to let Morgan know that she needs something.

Close Calls takes place over one very eventful night in Morgan’s life. As soon as her father abandons her so that he can go on a date with Brynn, odd things start to happen. Grandma starts to act strange and, despite writing a reminder on her inner thigh, Morgan keeps forgetting to take her pills upstairs. As a storm brews outside, Morgan hears a voice from the past, whispering to her. Pictures in the house start to change, as once happy photographs are changed into images of grief and pain. The landline phone rings and, every time that Morgan answers, she hears a voice making threats. A friend drops by, insisting that Morgan try a new drug. Even worse, a man named Barry (Greg Fallon) shows up at her front door. He says that he works for Morgan’s father and he just wants to come in out of the rain. He seems okay, until he smiles what may be the most evil smile ever. Morgan may have a shoebox of cocaine hidden in her closet but that’s not going to be as much help as you might think. It’s going to be a long, dangerous, and twist-filled night. When I say twist-filled, I’m not being hyperbolic. In the tradition of a 70s giallo, Close Calls is full of unexpected plot developments. At first, Morgan may seem paranoid but, as the film progresses, it becomes obvious that she has good reason for that paranoia.

Close Calls definitely had an Italian horror feel to it, which is one of the reasons why I enjoyed it. When the camera is stalking through the house, I was reminded of two Lamberto Bava films, A Blade In The Dark and Delirium. (The house’s swimming pool even reminded me of the pool where so much of the action in Delirium took place.) A few of the more surreal scenes were tinted and lit in a way that reminded me of the scenes of Jessica Harper exploring the dance school in Suspiria. For that matter, the film’s final scenes reminded me of something from Lucio Fulci’s Beyond trilogy. Much like those films, Close Call frequently feels as if it’s a filmed nightmare. The atmosphere is dream-like and frequently surreal. In the tradition of the best of Italian horror, the story is sometimes less important than the way it’s told. As well, director Richard Stringham deserves a lot of credit for including a drug trip sequence that actually feels authentic.

(Also of note: Rocky Gray’s score. It’s a throwback to the wonderfully creepy and ominous horror music of the 70s and 80s. Goblin would be proud.)

For a film like this to work, you have to a sympathetic lead and Jordan Phipps gives a wonderfully empathetic performance as Morgan, making her a sympathetic character even when she’s snorting cocaine and talking about how much she hates having to take care of her grandmother. Phipps commits the role, giving an intense and believable performance. Janis Duley also does well as grandma, constantly making you wonder whether she’s just a senile old lady or if there’s something more sinister about her quirks. Finally, Greg Fallon is appropriately sinister as Barry, keeping us off-balance as to what his true intentions are.

Close Calls is definitely a film for horror fans to keep an eye out for, especially horror fans who like a film that keeps you guessing. If you get a chance to see it, take that chance.

Late Night Cable Review: Cinderella’s Hot Night (2017, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Posted on August 4, 2017 by Valerie Troutman

Ever wanted to watch Dean McKendrick and some of his usual late night cable actors try to spoof a Hallmark movie? I’m glad I have now.

You could take that title card, put in the title of a Hallmark movie, and not have to change anything else about it.

The movie starts off with narration from Christine Nguyen. She introduces us to the prince of Cratonia named Steven (Kyle Knies). Steven’s father is not happy about his son being a bachelor.

Sarah Hunter is his secretary named Samantha. She shows up to tell the audience that there is going to be some business dealings with an American company, so that he will have an excuse to meet Cinderella.

The movie wastes no time cutting to Cindy (Karlie Montana) who works at Universal Imports. She’s not having the best of days. At least she isn’t getting fired for wearing that top to work.

In fact, her boss Patrick (William F. Bryant) is concerned about her, and invites her into his Godfather office.

Why does he have that?

Also, I guess he didn’t live happily ever after with Kira Noir at the end of The Deadly Pickup (2016).

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

As you can read, she is getting kicked out of her apartment. Her boss does what any good boss would do to make sure an intern doesn’t lose their position by having to get a job. He gives her a spare room at his house.

Patrick could die tomorrow, and no one where he lives would care.

Then we meet his wife, Mona, played by Beverly Lynne.

That’s a face you can trust. She plays the wicked stepmother character.

They have a butler who has a name within the film, but I think his stage name will do just fine.

If I had to sum-up Regis’ character in this film, then it would be like the maî·tre d in Barbara Broadcast (1977). That guy has to be given a blow job by any waitress or costumer who drops dishes, a glass, or a vase–anything breakable. He doesn’t seem to get any pleasure from it. It’s part of the job for him. He really seems to just want to go about his business managing the restaurant.

Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger)

That’s Regis. With that in mind, it has been a whole five minutes of runtime.

By the time they shot this film, Lynne was 43 years-old. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to see her get a scene. You don’t usually see that in one of these late night cable movies.

Immediately after they finish, Patrick shows up to tell us that his company will have some dealings with the prince.

What’s missing? We have Cinderella. We have the wicked stepmother. We have the father who sometimes is part of the Cinderella story. It’s the stepsisters we need.

Enter Grace (Blair Williams) and Sylvia (Penny Pax). This isn’t the Emma Marx from the first film. This is Penny Pax circa the sequels to The Submission Of Emma Marx (2013).

They’re exactly what you would expect–ditzy and entitled.

Patrick tells them Cindy is coming, and we move onto the next scene.

And that is all you need to see of the next scene. That is all there is to it. This is the only time they meet until much later. This quick, casual, and super-short scene.

Wait a second, this place was burned to the ground in Paranormal Sexperiments (2016).

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

I don’t like it when different films that use the same sets break continuity.

Patrick brings Cindy home. She gets the reception you would expect from the sisters.

Penny Pax, presumedly because she’s sick of her dress causing her to blend in with the bed…

grabs Regis, and drags him to another room. They must really expect privacy in this house because they never close the door.

It even appears to have confused one of the actors or crew members, because they get caught in this shot.

I was confused too. The movie was expecting me to get into this sex scene with those three pink dogs in the background? I couldn’t stop looking at them throughout this part.

The next morning, they make an immigration joke…

before Patrick tells us he is going to hop a plane to go see Steven on his native movie-set.

To quote Christine Nguyen, Cindy has been left in a “den of vipers.” I think Cindy is wondering about that statue behind her. I certainly was.

They make Cindy fetch a bottle of wine.

After arriving in Cratonia, Patrick and Samantha hit it off well. They have sex…

we see an Instagram photo…

and Patrick dies along with everyone onboard the plane.

Christine Nguyen tells us this via voiceover narration in a very nonchalant and upbeat way.

Oh, well. Goodbye, Patrick. We hardly knew you.

Anyways, Nguyen finally decides to show up as Cindy’s fairy godmother.

Cindy’s main problem is that she is lonely. With a little magic, Cindy’s fairy godmother is naked, and ready to pleasure Cindy.

That’s because even James Franco had his mind blown in Interior. Leather Bar. (2013) about the fact that he could be making a movie with pornographic sequences in it and the Disney film Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) at the same time.

It makes sense that these two would end up together. They already did this in a previous movie.

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

I have two problems with this scene.

The first is that picture of a pineapple on the wall. The second is the tiara. It’s a little difficult to pay attention when you keep wondering how that is going to stay on.

Mona now visits a cameo appearance by Ryan Driller in order to find out that her husband was in a lot of debt, and she’s stuck with it. This part only exists so they can’t pay Regis to stay around, and can con Cindy into doing their bidding in exchange for continuing to stay with them. That’s how she is going to slip into the standard Cinderella role.

We also find out that Regis comes from Iowa and is probably going end up shoveling pig shit.

“Pig shit” must be the magic phrase though, because Grace decides to have sex with him before he leaves.

Now we can skip over some things because it’s the standard Cinderella stuff. The only thing you need to know is that Steven decides to hold a New Year’s Eve party in America.

Cindy has a shower scene so she can have a couple of flashbacks. One of the two flashbacks is to the only time Steven and her have been in a room together up to this point. It’s as if they felt they needed to remind you that they even know each other.

Moaning about not being able to go to the ball, a visit from The Fairy Godmother, and we are at the party.

I beg to differ. What about that tattoo on her arm?

Inside, you know the deal. Hi there, guy on the right.

She ends up running away from the party and The Fairy Godmother’s magic is faulty as usual. It leaves one of the shoes intact.

Steven wants her tracked down, and he’ll creep out Sarah Hunter if he has to in order to find her.

He arrives at what appears to be the entrance to a different house that was used in Bikini Model Mayhem (2015).

Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

After you get over the red Buddha sitting next to a plant in the shape of hair on a troll doll, he has found her. They consummate the shoe fitting.

They live happily ever after.

Mona and her daughters are turned into “scullery maids.”

And I guess Regis went back to Iowa. He gets no closure in this film.

That was different from the usual. The acting is fine all-around. They really did take a generic Hallmark plot and add sex to it. I didn’t like seeing Penny Pax play this kind of character. However, if you haven’t seen her play Emma Marx, then I can’t see it bothering you. The sex stuff was fine even if they really should have taken some of the humorous things out of the room. I mean I liked them for the purposes of having fun with this movie. But if you are watching it for the sex, then I could see it being distracting, and taking you out of the moment. The plot is Cinderella. You know the story.

This one is about average.

A Movie A Day #208: War Party (1988, directed by Franc Roddam)

Posted on August 4, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

On the hundredth year anniversary of a battle between the U.S. Calvary and the Blackfeet Indians, the residents of small Montana town decide to reenact the battle and hopefully bring in some tourist dollars. The white mayor (Bill McKinny) and the sheriff (Jerry Hardin) both think that it is a great idea. Even the local Indian leader, Ben Cowkiller (Dennis Banks, in real-life a founder and leader of the American Indian Movement), thinks that it will be a worthwhile for the Indians to participate. The Calvary’s guns will be full of blanks. The Indians will play dead. However, as the result of a bar brawl the previous night, one of the local rednecks, Calvin Morrisey (Kevyn Major Howard), shows up with a gun full of bullets. After he shoots one of the Indians, Calvin ends up with a tomahawk buried in his head. Three Indian teenagers, Warren (Tim Sampson), Skitty (Kevin Dillon), and Sonny (Billy Wirth), flee into the wilderness. Thirsty for revenge, a white posse heads off in pursuit.

War Party is an underrated and surprisingly violent movie. Franc Roddam brings the same sensitivity to his portrayal of alienated Indians that he brought to portraying alienated Mods in Quadrophenia. Though, at first, Kevin Dillon seems miscast as an Indian, he, Wirth, and Sampson all give good performances, as does Dennis Banks. The movie is often stolen by M. Emmett Walsh and Rodney A. Grant, playing renowned trackers who are brought in to help the posse chase down the three youths. That Grant’s character is a member of the Crow adds a whole extra layer of meaning to his role. Even though the setup often feels contrived and heavy-handed and anyone watching should be able to easily guess how the movie is going to end, War Party still packs a punch.

A Movie A Day #207: Every Breath (1994, directed by Steve Bing)

Posted on August 3, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Jimmy (Judd Nelson) is an actor, best known for yelling in a toothpaste commercial. However, Jimmy is a serious actor and his perfectionist attitude makes it difficult for him to even find work in commercials. When a wealthy but impotent arms dealer named Richard (Patrick Bachau) offers to pay to watch Jimmy have sex with Richard’s wife, Lauren (Joanna Pacula), Jimmy agrees. When Jimmy meets Lauren at a party, he introduces himself. She walks away. He introduces himself again. She slaps him. He follows her to a lesbian bar and ends up getting beaten up outside. After all of that, he finally gets invited to accompany Lauren back to her mansion. Suddenly, Richard emerges from the shadows, holding a gun. He fires at Jimmy. Jimmy screams but then discovers that the gun was full of blanks. He has been the victim of an elaborate game, one that Richard and Lauren play every night with a constantly changing cast of victims.

At first, Jimmy is upset and humiliated. He returns home to his clueless girlfriend (Camille Cooper) and tries to sleep it off. But he can’t stop thinking about Lauren. The next day, he returns to Richard and Lauren’s mansion and soon finds himself being dragged back into their games. What Jimmy does not know is that Richard doesn’t just enjoy humiliating people. He also likes to kill them.

Every Breath was the first and only movie to be directed by Hollywood real estate mogul, film producer, and political donor Steve Bing. There are enough weird camera angles, dream sequences, and monologues about love and morality that it is obvious that Bing was going for something more artistic than the typical Judd Nelson direct-to-video production. For a first time director, Bing’s direction is slick but not slick enough to make up for large plot holes and a lot of half-baked philosophical dialogue. For all of its pretensions towards being something more, Every Breath is a typical 90s neo-noir with little to distinguish it from something like In The Cold of the Night or Body Chemistry. As Lauren, Joanna Pacula is sultry and sexy while Patrick Bachau does a good job playing a junior grade Marquis de Sade. As for Judd, he’s Judd Nelson, which means scenes like this:

Whenever I watch a Judd Nelson movie, I wonder what Burt Reynolds, Judd’s co-star from Shattered If Your Kid’s On Drugs, would think.

On the one hand, Every Breath is a pretentious movie about three unlikable people.

On the other hand, Joanna Pacula.

A Movie A Day #206: Conflict of Interest (1993, directed by Gary Davis)

Posted on August 2, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Conflict of Interest is a by-the-numbers direct-to-video movie about a tough cop named Mickey who is obsessed with taking down a drug dealer and club owner named Gideon. Mickey is a widower. Years ago, his wife was gunned down in front of him and his son. His son is now a teenager with a motorcycle and a mullet. Gideon hires Mickey’s son to work at one of his clubs and then frames him for murder. Even though his superiors order him to back off, Mickey is determined to clear his son’s name.

Why should you watch Conflict of Interest? How about this:

That’s Judd Nelson, going heavy on the sideburns and eyeliner in the role of Gideon. I am not sure if this movie was filmed before or after the famous “puffy shirt” episode of Seinfeld.

Judd chews up and spits out every piece of scenery that he can get his hands on. Matching Judd step-for-step is Alyssa Milano, who plays Eve. She falls in love with Mickey’s son, even though she is already a member of Gideon’s harem.

Mickey is played by Christopher McDonald, who gets a rare lead role in Conflict of Interest. McDonald may not be a household name but he is one of the great Hey, It’s That Guy actors. Usually, he plays smarmy businessmen and game show hosts. He’s a surprisingly good action hero in Conflict of Interest, though his mustache cannot begin to compete with Judd’s sideburns.

About as dumb as dumb can be, Conflict of Interest is enjoyably ridiculous. Conflict of Interest may have been made in 1993 but it is an 80s film all the way through, the type of movie where almost every chase ends with someone’s car exploding. Even Gideon’s nightclubs are “heavy metal clubs,” which are populated by people who would not have been out of place in Heavy Metal Parking Lot.

And then there’s the Judd power stare:

As we saw in Shattered If Your Kid’s On Drugs, the Judd power stare has the Burt Reynolds seal of approval:

Fun in the Sun: BEACH BLANKET BINGO (AIP 1965)

Posted on August 2, 2017 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

You’d think by the fourth entry in American-International’s ‘Beach Party’ series, 1965’s BEACH BLANKET BINGO, the formula would be wearing a bit thin. Frankie and Annette are still trying to make each other jealous, Eric Von Zipper and his Rats are still comic menaces, and the gang’s into yet another new kick (skydiving this time around). But thanks to a top-notch supporting cast of characters, a sweet subplot involving a mermaid, and the genius of comedy legend Buster Keaton , BEACH BLANKET BINGO is loads of fun!

Aspiring singer Sugar Kane skydives from a plan into the middle of the ocean and is “rescued” by surfer Frankie. But not really… it’s all been a publicity stunt by her PR agent ‘Bullets’. Sugar is played by lovely Linda Evans, right before she landed on TV’s THE BIG VALLEY, and ‘Bullets’ is none other than the fantastically sarcastic Paul Lynde. But wait… Eric Von Zipper…

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A Movie A Day #205: Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth (2013, directed by Spike Lee)

Posted on August 1, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Somewhere in New York, former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson stands on a stage, wearing a white suit and talking about his life.

Or, I should say, he talks about parts of his life. Mike Tyson’s one-man show, which shared the name of his then-just published autobiography, was both insightful and frustrating. Tyson spends a good deal of time on some topics while skipping over others entirely. When Tyson talks about his difficult childhood and the experience of literally being adopted by the legendary Cus D’Amato, it provides a rare glimpse into the background of the man who, at his peak, was one of the most fearsome champions in the history of boxing. When Tyson talks about his fights, especially his battles with Mitch Green, he is as engaging and charismatic as I have ever seen him. In fact, there are times when Tyson came across as being so likable that I had to remind myself that Tyson is also a convicted rapist who, after returning to the ring, won a series of fights against weak opponents and then bit off Evander Holyfield’s ear. I was disappointed that Tyson did not devote any time to discussing his fight with Peter McNeeley. If Tyson has devoted two seconds to every second of the McNeeley fight, that still would have just taken up 3 minutes of screentime. That’s less time than Iron Mike spent talking about Brad Pitt fucking Robin Givens or doing his Don King impersonation.

I had mixed feelings about Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth, largely because I have mixed feelings about Mike Tyson himself. When it comes to ranking the heavyweight champions, Mike Tyson is definitely a contender for the top spot. That Tyson was a great boxer cannot be denied and when he throws a few punches during Undisputed Truth, he still looks he could get in the ring and win. (At least he does until he has to stop to catch his breath.) Tyson may not be the most articulate speaker but occasionally, he shows some hints that he is smarter than he is given credit for. He also tells some truly terrible jokes. Tyson was a great boxer but as a stand-up comedian, he leaves something to be desired. At the same time, Tyson is open about his emotional and mental difficulties and his history of violence. Every time I started to like Tyson too much, he would say something that would snap me back to reality. No sooner had he won my sympathy by talking about how much the death of Cus D’Amato affected him than Tyson lost it by verbally attacking the woman that he was convicted of raping. By the end of his one man show, Tyson represents both everything good and everything bad about boxing. Boxing saved Tyson from the streets but it also thrust him into a world that he was not emotionally mature enough to handle. Tyson was barely 20 years old when he became champion and, with Cus D’Amato having died a year before, Tyson no longer had anyone looking out for his interests and protecting him from those who wanted to take advantage of him. Toss Don King into the mix and both Tyson’s rise and eventual fall feel predestined.

Undisputed Truth ends with Tyson declaring that he has finally found peace. I hope he has.

Late Night Cable Horror Review: Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

Posted on July 31, 2017 by Valerie Troutman

The movie opens up with a shot of a house from Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015) and College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015).

Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Inside, we meet Cosgrove (Robert Donavan). He starts off the film talking to a painting of Erika Jordan who plays Lady Dracovich. He tells her that she thought she would live forever, but that death got her anyways. He seems to imply that he had something to do with her death.

Of course within seconds of him walking away, she appears on the stairs to make a threat, and start the opening credits.

Now it’s time to meet our main character. That would be Cindy, played by Blair Williams. She’s visiting Madame Zola, played Kira Noir.

After saying some stuff, Zola presses a remote control, and releases some special effects.

I think the ghosts are at the bottom of the screen, and not on the ceiling, Cindy.

It’s pretty funny. She will look almost every direction except where we see the ghosts.

Cindy wants to know her future. Zola lays it on pretty thick. All you need to know is that she has a glowing ball, a remote control for effects, and she recently “repossessed” the powers of the psychic world that allow her to know all.

In order to help Cindy, Zola needs to know what Cindy’s fears are. Those would be the following:

Enclosed spaces
Open spaces
Hot food
Cold food
Gluten-free food
Children
Vampires
Birds
Cornucopias

I’d like to think that’s Kira Noir wondering why they couldn’t get Jacqui Holland to play this role. Holland appears to have gone back to making B-movie horror films.

So, let me get this straight about Cindy’s fears.

She’s afraid of where almost every scene in this movie will take place.
She’s afraid of the very few times she will be outside.
She can’t eat…
She can’t eat the cakes that show up later.
I’m assuming the cake is gluten-free.
So are the filmmakers, which is why there is always legal info at the end of the credits concerning the age of the actors.
Vampires don’t live here anymore. McKendrick made sure to clean them out after Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills.
Who isn’t afraid that the placeholder on IMDb for a remake of The Birds is going to turn into a real movie?
I guess she’s afraid of the ending of the movie then.

I’m being harsh on Blair. She isn’t the best at the bimbo routine, nor the evil one, but she pulls off both well-enough for this movie. I don’t have any real complaints about her performance.

After a few more lines of dialog, they have sex. It makes sense because…I have no idea.

Now we follow Blair home to find out that rent is due.

And by home, I of course mean the room from The Love Machine (2016) and Model For Murder (2015).

The Love Machine (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

We also meet Cindy’s roommate Sara (Morgan Lee). The last time I saw her was in a small role in the movie Carnal Wishes (2015).

Carnal Wishes (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

As you can see, she finds it a bit ridiculous that with rent due, Blair went and saw Madame Zola, regardless of Cindy’s assurances that she got her money’s worth. Oh, and their landlord’s name is Mr. Catwhistle. I just thought I’d mention that.

They get a knock on the door. It’s Cosgrove. He’s here to deliver nonsense.

Dracovich wasn’t liked in life, so she left instructions that the first person who pushed the “like” button on her My Spacebook page would inherit her estate. Yes, they really say “My Spacebook.” It’s no dumber than Degrassi’s Facerange. The news causes them to make a stupid joke.

As you might have already guessed because you’ve seen this plot in a million other movies before, there is a catch. They need to protect a book, or they lose the estate.

They aren’t allowed to read it either.

Now it’s time to meet Professor Gordon. He’s played by Andrew Espinoza Long.

Cindy wants some leave from her class to deal with this estate business, which is fine by him. During this, he is having some trouble with Carter Cruise under the desk. I’m just going to assume she dropped a pencil down there, and was to embarrassed to popup while Cindy was still there.

Why is she wearing a graduation cap and gown? I don’t know. Here’s a shot of Long’s chest to distract you.

It’s like I caught him in the middle of posing for a perfume ad. They had sex of course in case you were confused as to why he is half-naked.

Blair pays a visit to Madame Zola so she can give her an ominous warning, which is ignored, and followed by Blair and Sara going to the Dracovich estate. We see that same overhead shot from Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills as they enter the house.

Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

They head upstairs. On their way up, Sara looks at the portrait, and we find out that she would have sex with Dracovich if she were alive. Naturally, Cindy touches the painting, becomes possessed by Dracovich…

and they have sex. Some people smash a champagne bottle to christen something new. Others have a sex scene, so that they can poke fun at the woman always keeping her heels on by having Cindy barefoot while Sara leaves her sneakers on.

If you’re thinking this seems like a lot of sex so far, then you’d be right. This is only a half-hour into the movie, and there’s already been three scenes. There’s a lot in this one.

Cosgrove shows up at the house. His Dracovich sense must have been tingling.

This is as good a time as any to bring up that the best scenes in this movie are with Donavan. He does a good job. I like it when they get in an established actor to be in these. Even if by “established”, I mean he was in Trancers 6 (2002).

Trancers 6 (2002, dir. Jay Woelfel)

The actual reason he is at the house is because he needs Cindy–who is still possessed–to sign some papers.

We find out that Dracovich was a sexual predator. If you were a man, then she’d turn you into her servant. If you were a woman, then she’d turn you into her slave. And I’m sure if you were gender-fluid, then she’d turn you into a synonym for servant or slave.

Talking, talking, Cosgrove probably pushed her off the stairs to kill her, Dracovich leaves Cindy’s body, Cindy is wondering why she thinks she’s been licked all over, and we are back at professor Gordon’s office.

Cathy (Carter Cruise) brings in a cake.

Close enough to “Happy homecoming.”

These two plan to go over to the Dracovich house because they don’t have any other sets to loot.

Kira Noir takes a shower so that we know that while Blair will never change clothes during this movie, at least Madame Zola is clean.

She gets a threatening call from Dracovich telling her to stay away. She knows that it’s Lady Dracovich because she hung up on her. I’m not kidding.

Back home, it’s time for a Ouija board to make a cameo appearance.

I’m sorry. I mean a Witchboard, as they call it. I haven’t seen the Witchboard movies yet, but the third one has the subtitle of “The Possession”, so it fits.

The letter thing moves, and that’s the cue for Gordon and Cathy to come in to present them with the cake.

Gordon goes off with Blair to talk about the mystery surrounding when exactly during this scene Dracovich possessed her again. All that I saw was the camera angle change. This turns on Gordon, and they proceed to have sex.

I couldn’t be less interested in this scene. Yes, the sex scenes do little for me except to allow me to not have to take as many screenshots since I can’t show those parts. But the reason this scene is particularly uninteresting to me is that once you’ve seen Long go at it with three cheerleaders in this same room, than this is really boring.

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

If there’s only one sex scene I remember from any of these movies that I’ve reviewed, it’s that one.

Cathy is looking exactly where anyone would for valuables–the kitchen cabinets.

The cake opens up on her to reveal a reference to the Art PA’s pseudonym.

Now Dracovich decides to make a personal appearance. She tells Cathy that she can’t have the book unless Cathy distracts her.

Notice that the clock says it is 3:16 in the afternoon. Part way into the distraction, it will be 4:17. Is that how long they were actually going at it?

You can also see someone reflected in the oven.

I hope Erika Jordan got hazard pay. It looks like at any moment she could have hit the back of her head on the corner of the countertop.

Sara now goes around the house looking for people, and Cosgrove shows up.

At the same time, Cathy wakes up on the floor. She finds the book on the counter. She opens it so that she can become possessed.

Cosgrove comes in and takes the book before going to chew out the painting of Dracovich. We find out here that he did kill her. According to him, Dracovich can come back to life if she has a male sacrifice. He thinks there are only women here, so it won’t be an issue. He hears a woman moan, which tells him Dracovich is up to something. I’m not sure why. In this movie, that could mean some of the girls are celebrating the opening of a door.

Since there is very little time left in the movie, he is right, and finds Professor Gordon tied up on a bed having an orgy. Madame Zola shows up seemingly just to join the party. Sara jumps in too.

Off to the side of the bed, we can see Dracovich appearing to orchestrate the action.

This place really reminds me of one of the rooms in David DeCoteau’s house.

Cosgrove waits around for awhile so that we can watch before he ends the scene by opening the book. They all get zapped, but I can only show you Dracovich.

Cindy tells him he did a good job stopping Dracovich. But she wonders why he felt the need to do it so fast considering how quickly he was able to dispatch her.

It makes perfect sense, Cindy. He set the house on fire.

End of movie.

This isn’t a bad one of these movies. There is too much sex and the plot is barely existent. However, Donavan is good. It was nice to see Carter Cruise again in a role that wasn’t a complete ditz. Long was funny as usual. There were some humorous lines that I couldn’t show you because I forgot to turn on subtitles. They kept having Blair Williams say words that are almost what she means to say. There’s a little bit between her and Morgan Lee about Dracovich and Malkovich–vich is vich?

Ultimately, this one is only worth it if you are just looking for sex. There isn’t a whole lot more to it.

A Movie A Day #204: Tank (1984, directed by Marvin Chomsky)

Posted on July 31, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

If you had just moved to a small town in Georgia and your teenage son was framed for marijuana possession and sentenced to years of hard labor, what would you do?

Would you hire a good lawyer and file appeal after appeal?

Would you go to the media and let them know that the corrupt sheriff and his evil deputy are running a prostitution ring and the only reason your son is in prison is because you dared to call them out on their corruption?

Or would you get in a World War II-era Sherman tank and drive it across Georgia, becoming a folk hero in the process?

If you are Sgt. Zack Carey (James Garner), you take the third option. Sgt. Carey is only a few months from retirement but he is willing to throw that all away to break his son (C. Thomas Howell) out of prison and expose the truth about Sheriff Buelton (G.D. Spradlin) and Deputy Euclid Baker (James Cromwell, playing a redneck). Helping Sgt. Carey out are a prostitute (Jenilee Harrison), Carey’s wife (Shirley Jones), and the citizens of Georgia, who lines the road to cheer the tank as it heads for the Georgia/Kentucky border. It’s just like the O.J. Bronco chase, with James Garner in the role of A.C. Cowlings.

The main thing that Tank has going for it is that tank. Who has not fantasized about driving across the country in a tank and blowing up police cars along the way? James Garner is cool, too, even if he is playing a role that would be better suited for someone like Burt Reynolds. Tank really is Smoky and the Bandit with a tank in the place of that trans am. Personally, I would rather have the trans am but Tank is still entertaining. Dumb but entertaining.

One final note, a piece of political trivia: According to the end credits, the governor of Georgia was played by Wallace Willkinson. At first, I assumed this was the same Wallace Wilkinson who later served as governor of Kentucky. It’ not. It turns out that two men shared the same name. It’s just a coincidence that one played a governor while the other actually became a governor.

Gothic Art: Alfred Hitchcock’s REBECCA (United Artists 1940)

Posted on July 31, 2017 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

REBECCA is unquestionably a cinematic masterpiece. I remember watching it for the first time in a high school film class, enthralled as much by its technical aspects as the story itself. This was Alfred Hitchcock’s first American film, though with a decidedly British flavor, and his only to win the Best Picture Oscar. There’s a lot of film noir shadings to this adaptation of Daphne DuMaurier’s Gothic novel, as well as that distinctive Hitchcock Touch.

“Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again”, begins Joan Fontaine’s narration, as the camera pans down a dark road overgrown with brush and weeds, fog rolling in all around, as we come up on the once majestic castle called Manderley, now lying in ruins. This first shot was all done with miniatures, another wonderful example of Hitchcock’s innovative use of the camera, looking and feeling totally believable (take that, CGI!). Flashbacks bring us to when Fontaine’s character, who’s…

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