Cleaning Out the DVR: The Wrong Crush (dir by David DeCoteau)

Posted on November 5, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is currently in the process of cleaning out her DVR! It’s going to take a while because Lisa has over 200 things recorded. However, one thing is for sure: it’s all getting erased on January 15th. Will Lisa be able to watch everything before doomsday? Keep checking here to find out! She recorded The Wrong Crush off of Lifetime on July 2nd!)

The mistakes of the past. Can we overcome them? Can we forgive ourselves? Can we convince others to forgive us? Can we ever recover or are we destined to be forever punished?

These are some of the questions asked in The Wrong Crush. Veteran Lifetime viewers will, of course, immediately recognize that this is one of the many “wrong” films that David DeCoteau has directed for Lifetime. There’s also The Wrong Roommate, The Wrong Student, and The Wrong Child. Myself, I always look forward to the latest “Wrong” film because they’re usually enjoyably (and intentionally) melodramatic and, as a director, DeCoteau always seems to have a sense of humor about going through all the of the required Lifetime “beats.” At times, the characters in these films almost seem to be aware that they’re appearing in a Lifetime film. Also, DeCoteau always seems to film in the nicest houses in Canada. One of the fun things about watching a Lifetime film is getting to see where everyone lives and the Wrong films always seem to take place in the right homes.

Anyway, in this one, Victoria Konefal plays Amelia. A few years ago, Amelia did nothing but party and drink. But then, after a car crash claimed the life of her best friend, Amelia straightened out her life. Though she’s still on probation and her own mother (Lesli Kay) doesn’t seem to want to have much to do with her, Amelia is doing her best not to fall back into her old ways. She doesn’t drink. She goes to therapy, even though she rarely agrees with what her therapist has to say. She’s channeled her anger into running and now, she’s the star of her high school’s track team. It even appears that she might set a few records before the year is over.

She’s even got a boyfriend. Well, kinda. Scott (Pedro Correa) is nice and super supportive but he only moved to town a year ago so he doesn’t know all of the details about Amelia’s former life. He’s heard rumors but he doesn’t know that she’s on probation or that some people still blame her for the death of her friend. Whenever he starts to get too close, Amelia pushes him away.

Plus, there’s a new guy at school! Jake (Ricardo Hoyos) is handsome, charming, and polite. And, like Amelia, he’s got some secrets in his past. He was kicked out of military school, for one thing. Soon, Jake and Amelia are growing close. Scott may not like it but Scott should be more concerned with the drugs that Jake’s hidden in his locker. See, Jake has an agenda of his own. He also has a really big knife that he’s not afraid to use…

For the most part, The Wrong Crush is an enjoyable Lifetime melodrama but Amelia’s strained relationship with her mother and her struggle to forgive herself serve to give this film a little more emotional resonance than the other Wrong films. Victoria Konefal and Lesli Kay both gave good performances and Ricardo Hoyos really threw himself into the role of Jake. Those who know Hoyos best for playing sweet-but-stupid Zig on Degrassi will be in for a surprise when they watch The Wrong Crush.

Lifetime Film Review: The Lost Wife of Robert Durst (dir by Yves Simoneau)

Posted on November 4, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight’s Lifetime premiere was The Lost Wife of Robert Durst, the latest of many films to deal with the 1982 disappearance of Kathie Durst and the subsequent activities of her husband, millionaire weirdo Robert Durst.

The disappearance of Kathie Durst is an intriguing cold case. Robert Durst was a member of one of the wealthiest and most powerful families in New York. Many have speculated that may be why Durst was never charged with anything, despite the fact that everyone was convinced that he was responsible for her disappearance. (Others have pointed out that most of the evidence against Durst was circumstantial and that Kathie’s body has never been found.) Durst, himself, appears to have spent the last few decades as something of a millionaire hobo. His best friend, Susan Berman, was murdered in 2000. (Berman provided Durst with an alibi for the night of Kathie’s disappearance.) Durst himself eventually turned up in Galveston, where he attempted to disguise himself as a woman and was eventually arrested for murdering his neighbor, Morris Black. Durst was acquitted in that case. All Good Things, a feature film starring Ryan Gosling and Kirsten Dunst, led to resurgence of interest in the case of Kathie’s disappearance. It also led to a HBO documentary series, called The Jinx. In an act that was either extremely cocky or extremely self-destructive, Durst agreed to be interviewed for the documentary, implicated himself in all three of the murders that he was suspected of committing, and was subsequently charged with murdering Susan Berman.

It’s one of those stories that, when you hear the details, you can hardly believe is true. It has everything: love, greed, sex, jealousy, politics, the mafia, and several unsolved murders. It’s not surprising that there’s been several movies and TV shows based on the Durst case. The problem that every new film faces is what can it add to the story that we haven’t already seen. The Lost Wife of Robert Durst is relatively well-made but there’s really nothing here that you couldn’t find in All Good Things or The Jinx. This is like the Wikipedia version of Durst case. It gives you all the details without going into too much depth about any of it.

Of course, one of the main questions about this case is whether Robert Durst is mentally ill or if he’s just extremely clever. Those that claim that Durst is crazy tend to point out that he saw his mother commit suicide when he was a young boy, that he has a habit of muttering to himself, and that he lives like a hermit despite all of his money. Those who claim that Durst is actually very clever and in total control of all of his actions point out that all of Durst’s alleged crimes required extensive planning and that, in The Jinx, he was caught saying, “What the Hell did I do? Killed them all, of course.” That would seem to indicate that Durst is fully aware of whatever he may have done. The question of Durst’s sanity is not a minor one. In some states, it would be the difference between life in prison and execution.

The Lost Wife of Robert Durst attempts to have it both ways. As played by Daniel Gillies, Durst is obviously unstable yet clearly calculating at the same time. In fact, I would argue that, from a purely dramatic point of view, Gillies plays Durst as being a little too obviously unstable. You find yourself wondering why Kathie (played by Katharine McPhee) would have ever agreed to go out with him in the first place, much less marry him. As played by McPhee, Kathie is almost as hard to read as Durst. Even in the scenes depicting the early days of Durst marriage, the lack of chemistry between Gillies and McPhee is a problem. I spent most of the film wishing that it would dig a little bit deeper into the case. Then again, considering that Durst has yet to be convicted on any charges, I suppose there’s only so much that the movie could suggest. (All Good Things changed everyone’s names, which gave it at least a little bit of freedom to speculate.)

That said, the Robert Durst story is such a strange one that, flaws and all, The Lost Wife of Robert Durst is watchable. It’s a good enough introduction to the case, if you’re looking for one. Ultimately, though, All Good Things remains the Durst film to watch.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Killer Mom (dir by Christine Conradt)

Posted on November 4, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Poor Jessica (played by Karen Cliche)!

Nothing’s going right for her. First off, her husband has been arrested and charged with one of those financial crimes that rich men always seem to be committing in Lifetime movies. She’s had to move in with her best friend, which is good because her friend keeps her supplied with wine and sympathy but bad because her friend’s house is not quite as nice as the house that she used to live in. When she does go out of town, she’s so broke that she can’t even afford to stay in a nice hotel. She has to rip open her blouse and threaten to accuse the manager of raping her just to get a good room!

However, there is a light on the horizon. 14 years earlier, as the result of an affair with a married man, Jessica had a daughter named Allison. Jessica gave Allison up and Allison was raised by her father and his wife. The wife died a few years previously and, just a few days ago, the father was killed in a plane crash! That means that the now 14 year-old Allison (Maddy Martin) stands to inherit millions!

After showing up at the funeral and introducing herself, Jessica starts to work her way into Allison’s life. Allison’s half-sister, Sydni (Kirby Bliss Blanton) automatically suspects that Jessica is only interested in the money. For that matter, so does just about everyone else in the world. No one trusts Jessica but Allison. And Allison is so happy to finally be reunited with her biological mother that no one has the courage to tell her about their suspicions.

That doesn’t stop people from trying to investigate Jessica’s past, however. Of course, that’s always a mistake in a Lifetime movie. Trying to investigate anything is usually a good way to end up either getting framed or murdered. For instance, Aaron Martin (Brad Long) makes it clear that he doesn’t trust Jessica and suddenly, his computer is full of child porn! Is Aaron a perv or did Jessica use her magic internet powers to hack his computer? (Take a guess.) The housekeeper doesn’t trust Jessica and suddenly, her mother is attacked by an intruder. Sydni thinks that Jessica is plotting something and … oh my God! Suddenly, there are drugs in her car!

As I’ve said before, the more batshit crazy a Lifetime film is, the more likely it’s going to be a success. Killer Mom is totally and completely over the top, full of nonstop plotting, snarky commentary, and — most importantly — really beautiful houses. Nobody lives in a messy house in a Lifetime film! Karen Cliche totally embraces the role of femme fatale, giving a performance that suggests that Jessica is almost as amused by her schemes as we are. All in all, Killer Mom is good melodramatic fun.

A Movie A Day #300: Death Before Dishonor (1987, directed by Terry Leonard)

Posted on November 4, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

In a fictional Middle Eastern country, tough-as-nails Col. Halloran (Brian Keith) has been kidnapped by terrorists. The leader of the terrorists is named Jihad and he is played by the No Mercy Man himself, Rockne Tarkington. The American ambassador (Paul Winfield) is a weak-willed Carter appointee who says, “We have to go through proper channels.” Gunnery Sgt. Burns (Fred Dryer) ain’t got no time for the proper channels. All of his men have been killed. His mentor has been kidnapped and is being tortured with a power drill. Even if it means breaking all the rules, Sgt. Burns is going to rescue Halloran, defeat Jihad, and kill anyone who has ever chanted “Death to the U.S.A.”

Totally a product of the 80s and about as politically incorrect as they come, Death Before Dishoner was an attempt to turn former football player-turned-TV star Fred Dryer into a movie star. It did not work, though Fred does his best Clint Eastwood impersonation, chugging beer and speaking exclusively in tough one-liners. Death Before Dishonor is dumb but entertaining. (It may have been made for New World Pictures but it’s a Cannon Film at heart.) The movie’s highlight if Fred Dryer chasing the bad guys in a jeep, keeping one hand on the steering wheel while using the other hand to fire a bazooka. A close second is Brian Keith barely flinching while taking a power drill to the back of the hand. No one’s tougher than an 80s action hero!

Cleaning Out the DVR Pt 15: Halloween Leftovers 2

Posted on November 4, 2017 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

Halloween (and ‘Halloween Havoc!’) may have come and gone, but for horror fans every day’s Trick or Treat! Here are 5 fright films scraped from the bottom of this year’s candy bag:

THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN (United Artists 1956; D: Edward Nassour and Ismael Rodriguez) – This US/Mexican coproduction stars Guy Madison (TV’s WILD BILL HICKOCK) and Patricia Medina (PHANTOM OF THE RUE MORGUE) up against a giant prehistoric Allosaurus in the Old West. The movie starts as just another standard Western until the three-quarter mark, when the beast finally makes his appearance. Jack Rabin’s cartoonish special effects can’t hold a candle to the great Willis O’Brien , who’s given credit for the film’s story idea (later remade as the much better VALLEY OF GWANGI ). Good as Saturday matinée kiddie fare, nothing more. Fun Fact: Patricia Medina was the wife of actor Joseph Cotten, who made quite a…

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Film Review: Flint (dir by Bruce Beresford)

Posted on November 4, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Undoubtedly, there’s a great and important film waiting to be made about the Flint water crisis. Unfortunately, the new Lifetime film Flint is not it.

As I watched Flint last night, it occurred to me that it’s been a while since the Flint water crisis made the national news. For a few weeks in 2016, it was all anyone was talking about but then the governor of Michigan announced that he wouldn’t be running for President and the media promptly deserted Flint. I think most people in the country assumed that Flint now magically had clean water. In reality, Flint hasn’t had reliably clean water since 2014. Earlier this year, it was announced that Flint’s water quality has returned to acceptable levels but residents were still advised not to use it until all of Flint’s water pipes had been replaced. When one looks at the coverage that the crisis has received, one gets the feeling that the media stopped caring once it became apparent there wasn’t going to be an easy and quick solution.

That’s the thing with this crisis. There is no easy way to resolve it and it’s not a happy story. Even when all of the pipes are finally replaced (which will be 2020 at the earliest), it’s not going to be a happy ending as much as it’s just going to be an ending. The citizens of a city were poisoned because a bunch of civil servants wanted to save money. There’s no way to spin that into a positive. Even if the people of Flint are no longer drinking contaminated water, that doesn’t change the fact that they once did and no one in power seemed to care until they had no choice but to pretend to be outraged.

Flint is a well-meaning film but it’s immediately handicapped by the fact that it’s a Lifetime film and, therefore, has to take a Lifetime approach to the material. which means that things have to end positively. The film does a good job of showing brown water running out of taps and detailing why clean water is a necessity. And the film also deserves some credit for including a note informing us that the pipes in Flint are still in the process of being replaced and that the citizens are still being told either use filters or bottled water. But, too often, the film turns what should have been a modern-day horror story into a simplistic story of “you go girl!” activism. When the film should be angry, it’s merely annoyed. When the film should be furious about the present, it’s too busy being optimistic about the future. Instead of really exploring what led to the crisis in the first place, the focus of the film is on city council meetings and the cartoonishly slick mayor getting voted out of office. “Yay!” the movie seems to proclaim, “Sucks about the poisoned water but at least everyone got to bond and now we have proof that democracy works and the government really does care!”

(There’s even two scenes where a city councilman tells the activists to keep fighting, the movie’s way of saying, “See! Not all politicians are bad!”)

Oh well. I don’t want to be too critical because, while the movie may have been strictly by-the-numbers, it at least tried to remind people about what’s going on in Flint. That’s certainly more than the national media’s doing these days.

A Movie A Day #299: Blame It On Rio (1984, directed by Stanley Donen)

Posted on November 3, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

When I was growing up in Baltimore, I used to go down to this independent video story every weekend and check out movies. Every time that I stepped into the store, the first thing I saw was the poster for Blame It On Rio hanging over the front register. The store did not actually have any copies of Blame It On Rio in stock and I don’t think anyone working there had ever seen it but it only takes one look at the poster to guess what they were thinking when they hung it at the front of the store.

Blame It On Rio is one of the films that Michael Caine made during that period when he was willing to accept any paycheck. (The Jaws 4 years.) Caine plays Matthew, who goes on a vacation to Rio with his 17 year-old daughter, Nikki (Demi Moore), his best friend Victor (Joseph Bologna), and Victor’s daughter, Jennifer (Michelle Johnson). Both Matthew and Victor’s marriages are falling apart and Victor encourages Matthew to hit on every topless woman they see. Instead, Matthew ends up fooling around with Jennifer. When Victor discovers that his daughter to having an affair with an older, married man, he recruits Matthew to help him discover the man’s identity. In between the scenes of all the action in Brazil, Matthew and Jennifer appear in interview segments that do no add up to much.

It may be hard to believe but this forgettable movie was co-written by Larry Gelbart and directed by the same director responsible for Singin’ In The Rain, Charade, and Two For The Road, Stanley Donen. For a film about a 43 year-old man having a sexual relationship with a 17 year-old, Blame It On Rio is a hopelessly square movie. Caine and Bologna walking along a topless beach and accidentally leering at their own daughters is about as funny as things get. Michael Caine’s a trooper and does the best that he can but Michelle Johnson is bland as Jennifer. She and Demi Moore should have switched roles.

A Movie A Day #298: Watch It (1993, directed by Tom Flynn)

Posted on November 2, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

In Chicago, three men all live in the same house and try to avoid growing up. Rick (John C. McGinley) and Mike (Jon C. Tenney) are old friends while Danny (Tom Sizemore) works on stolen cars. When Mike’s estranged cousin, John (Peter Gallagher), moves in with them, John is drawn into a steadily escalating game of pranks. The game is called “Watch It” and the rules are simple. No one can take anything personally and each prank must be followed by another, bigger prank. While the four men takes turns trying to one up each other, they also deal with women who wish that they would all just grow up. When John starts to date Mike’s ex-girlfriend, Anne (Suzy Amis), the men are forced to come to terms with their extended adolescence.

Watch It is an awkward combination of two stories. One half of the film deals with the pranks, which get so outlandish that it is impossible to believe that a group of blue collar roommates in Chicago could pull them off. One of John’s pranks involves imitating a police detective on a local news broadcast and saying that Danny has had a warrant issues for his arrest. Even if John could pull that off, it seems like he would get in so much trouble that it would not be worth the effort. (Never mind that the city of Chicago now thinks that Danny is wanted by the police.) At the same time, Watch It also wants to be a fairly realistic relationship dramedy, with Suzy Amis and Cynthia Stevenson trying to get Gallgher and McGinley to grow up. Despite some very good performances, Watch It is too uneven to work. The best thing about Watch It is that it offers a chance to see actors like McGinley, Tenney, Sizemore, and Gallagher all playing quasi-normal, relatable people for once.

Horror Film Review: The Stepfather (dir by Joseph Ruben)

Posted on October 31, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Who is Jerry Blake?

That is the question at the heart of the classic 1987 horror thriller, The Stepfather.

Most of the people who know Jerry (brilliantly played by Terry O’Quinn) would say that he’s just a really nice guy. He’s responsible. He’s a good employee. He can be trusted. He works in real estate and spends his days selling perfect homes to perfect families. Jerry always has a friendly smile and hearty manner. He’s the perfect neighbor, precisely because he’s so boring. You don’t have to worry about Jerry not taking care of his yard or throwing a loud party or … well, doing anything anyone else would do. Sure, Jerry seems to be a little bit old-fashioned and sure, sometimes he’s a little bit too good to be believed. But what’s wrong with that? I mean, the man makes birdhouses! Jerry is so dedicated to creating perfect families that he even tries to make the perfect home for the birds in his back yard!

In fact, the only person who seems to have any doubts about Jerry is his new stepdaughter, Stephanie (Jill Schoelen). Stephanie is a teenager so, occasionally, she’s less than perfect. Sometimes, she gets into a fight at school. Sometimes, she talks back. To be honest, to me, nothing she does seems like it’s really that big of a deal. But Jerry simply cannot handle the fact that Stephanie is making his new family just a little less than perfect. When Jerry catches Stephanie and her boyfriend sharing a very chaste kiss, he freaks out. KISSING!? Why that could only lead to one thing…

But it’s not just that Jerry is kind of controlling and seems to be living in a 1950s sitcom. There’s also the fact that sometimes, Jerry goes down in the basement and just starts yelling and throwing stuff. That’s what Jerry does when he gets angry. He hides in the basement and he totally loses control. When Stephanie overhears him, Jerry just gives her a bland smile and says that he was blowing off some steam.

Stephanie suspects that something’s wrong with Jerry but, of course, no one believes her. However, we know that Stephanie’s right to be suspicious. At the start of the film, we saw Jerry walking out of his old house, leaving behind the dead bodies of his wife and children. At that time, of course, Jerry’s name was Henry Morrison. Henry’s previous family disappointed him so he killed them and then vanished, changing his identity and marrying Stephanie’s mother, Susan (Shelley Hack).

Jerry wants everything to be perfect. He’s an old-fashioned guy with old-fashioned values and, whenever anyone disappoints him, he kills them and changes his identity once again. He’s the type who will kill you but then make sure that your seat belt is fastened when he puts you back in your car. “Buckle up for safety,” Jerry says.

There’s a 2009 remake of The Stepfather. For some reason, it regularly shows up on Lifetime. Ignore the remake and track down the original. Long before he played John Locke on Lost, Terry O’Quinn gave a simply amazing performance in the role of Jerry Blake. Jerry is so friendly and likable that, even though we know he’s a murderer, it’s still hard not to fall under his spell.

Why, we wonder, can’t the world be as perfect as Jerry wants it to be?

Because Jerry’s world is not the real world. In the real world, family are never perfect but they love each other anyway. In Jerry’s world, it’s more important that things appear to be perfect than that anyone actually be honest or, for that matter, happy.

The Stepfather is a chillingly effective thriller, featuring a brilliant performance from Terry O’Quinn. If you haven’t seen it, see it!

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: I Don’t Want To Be Born (dir by Peter Sasdy)

Posted on October 31, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“I don’t want to be born!”

“That’s too bad, kid! YOU’RE COMING OUT!”

Now, admittedly, that dialogue is never heard in the 1975 British horror film, I Don’t Want To Be Born. However, if I had heard that particularly exchange in this film, I would not have been surprised. That’s just the type of movie that I Don’t Want To Be Born is. It’s a thoroughly ludicrous, totally ridiculous movie and what makes it all the more memorable is that it doesn’t seem to realize how silly it all is. This is a batshit crazy movie that tells its story in the most serious way possible. This damn film is almost somber, it’s so serious.

Lucy (played by Joan Collins) is a stripper who performs her act with a perverted dwarf named Hercules (George Claydon). When Hercules tries to force himself on Lucy, he is tossed out of the club by Tommy (who is played by John Steiner, a good actor who somehow always turned up in movies like this one.) After she and Tommy make love, Lucy is confronted by Hercules who curses her, telling her that she will have a baby “as big as I am small and possessed by the devil himself!”

Oh, Hercules, you weirdo.

9 months later, Lucy’s life has somehow completely changed. She’s no longer a dancer. Now, she’s married to a rich Italian named Gino (played by Ralph Bates, speaking in a bizarre accent). When Lucy has her baby, it’s a long and difficult delivery. The baby is huge! Not only is he huge, but he also has a bad temper and unnaturally sharp nails. The first time that Lucy holds him, he attacks her. Whenever the baby is introduced to anyone new, he responds by biting them. When Tommy drops by to take a look at the baby that might be his son, he ends up with a bloody nose!

But that’s not all this baby can do! Anytime he’s left alone in a room, the room ends up getting destroyed. Eventually, he apparently figures out how to climb trees and how efficiently slip a noose around the neck of anyone who walks underneath him. And don’t think that you can escape this baby simply because you’re taller and faster. One unfortunate person is decapitated, even though he’s standing at the time. How did the baby reach his neck? Who knows?

Does this baby need an exorcism? Lucy’s sister-in-law, Sister Albana (Eileen Atkins), certainly believes that it does! As Lucy thinks about whether the baby’s behavior is in any way odd, she glances over at the baby and — OH MY GOD! The baby has Hercules’s face!

And it just keeps going from there. Again, I feel the need to repeat that this film is meant to be taken very seriously. The script may be full of awkward and clichéd dialogue but most of the cast attempts to act the Hell out of it. Speaking of the cast, there’s a lot of familiar horror people in this one. Along with John Steiner, there’s also Caroline Munro and Donald Pleasence. Those three give performances that somehow manage to remain credible, perhaps because they had the experience necessary to understand what type of movie they were in. But the rest of the cast … you feel bad for them because they’re just trying so hard.

It’s a terrible movie but it’s so weird that I have to recommend that everyone see it once. If for nothing else, see it for the scene where Hercules responds to an attempt to exorcise the baby by swaying drunkenly on the stage. It’s weird and it’s hard for mere words to do it justice.

“No wonder this baby didn’t want to be born!”

That line is also nowhere to be found in this movie. It’d be nice if it was, though.