Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.5 “Julie’s Aunt/Where Is It Written?/The Big Deal”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Things get a bit icky this week.  Ugh!

Episode 2.5 “Julie’s Aunt/Where Is It Written?/The Big Deal”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on October 14th, 1978)

How icky can one cruise get?

Well, consider this.  On this week’s episode of The Love Boat, Captain Stubing’s uncle (Red Buttons) is a passenger on the boat.  Uncle Cyrus decides that he likes Julie.  How does he express how much he likes Julie?  He invites her to his cabin and then lunges at her and starts kissing her.  Julie runs out of the cabin and Uncle Cyrus chases her through the corridors of the boat.  Once Julie does get away from him, she tells Doc and Gopher about what happened.  Doc and Gopher both think that it’s funny.

(Uhmm, guys, this isn’t some old guy with a crush.  This is someone who invited the cruise director to his cabin …. AND ATTACKED HER!)

Everyone agrees that Julie should just try to avoid Cyrus and that she should not tell the Captain about what happened.  Unfortunately, because Uncle Cyrus told the Captain about how much he enjoys Julie’s company, Stubing insists that Julie spend as much time as possible with Uncle Cyrus.  Every time that Julie goes down to his cabin, Cyrus grabs her and starts kissing her.  Scene after scene, Julie has to push Cyrus off of her so that she can escape, screaming, into the hallway.

Finally, realizing that she can’t go on like this, Julie realizes that she has to do something, even if both Doc Bricker and Gopher refuse to take the situation seriously.  Out of the three choice below, which do you think she goes with?

  1. Call the police
  2. Tell Captain Stubing and demand that he call the police
  3. Have Gopher dress up like a woman and pretend to be a member of the police

If you picked number three, you could have been a writer for The Love Boat!

Ugh!  I hated everything about this storyline!

I wasn’t a fan of the other two storylines as well.  The first featured Hope Lange as Sandra Newberry, the wife of publisher Alfred Newberry (Gene Barry).  She is upset to discover that Alfred has invited a Norman Maileresque writer named Mark Littlejohn (Richard Mulligan) to accompany them on the cruise.  Alfred wants Mark to hurry up and finish the final chapter of his autobiography.  Make wants to steal Sandra away.  In the end, Alfred and Mark get into a fight.  They’re too clumsy to actually hit each other but they do manage to knock out Captain Stubing.  Again, you would think that this would be the sort of thing that would eventually involve the police but instead Stubing just accepts a payment that will come from the royalties of Mark’s book.  Whatever.  Go deal with your uncle, Captain.

Finally, Martin Scott (Allen Ludden) is a businessman who is selling his business to Brad Collins (Sam Groom).  Martin’s daughter, Allison (Mackenzie Phillips), feels like she has to date Brad even though she’s actually in love with a musician named Jim Warren (Erik Estrada).  It was hard not to feel that, intentionally or not, Martin was basically pimping out his daughter.  Again, it was just icky.

This was not a fun cruise.  Hopefully, next week will be better.

Film Review: Luther: The Fallen Sun (dir by Jamie Payne)


A serial killer (Andy Serkis) is terrorizing London.

With the help of a worldwide network of hackers, the Killer is able to spy on random people and catch them doing and saying things online that they wouldn’t want their friends, families, and coworkers to find out about.  The Killer than blackmails his targets, forcing them into committing bigger and bigger crimes for him.  The Killer pushes his victims to their limits and then he arranges for them to die.  Sometimes, he kills them.  Sometimes, he forced them to kill themselves.  The Killer is a smirking sadist, a force of chaos who is empowered by the isolation and loneliness of the modern world.

The Killer’s latest victim is a young cleaner who disappears on a rainy night.  Assigned to the case is DCI John Luther (Idris Elba), a detective who is famous for both his brilliance and his determination.  Luther promises the missing cleaner’s mother (Hattie Morahan, giving a poignant performance in a small but important role) that he will find her son.  The Killer is frustrated to discover that Luther doesn’t spend much time online and, hence, cannot be blackmailed.  However, the Killer’s associates discover that Luther has frequently broken the law in order to catch criminals.  When this information is released to the press, Luther is not only kicked off the force but he also ends up in prison.  All of his fellow prisoners want to kill him.  The police view him as being a disgrace.  Luther has very few allies left in the world but he’s determined to keep the promise that he made to the cleaner’s mother.  When the Killer himself starts to send taunting messages to Luther, Luther decides that his only option is escape from prison and bring the Killer to justice himself.

Luther: The Fallen Sun is a follow-up to the BBC television series, which followed Luther as he worked for London’s Metropolitan Police Service and as he struggled with his own personal demons.  The film begins by bringing Luther’s career as a police detective to a close but it also ends with the suggestion of new career path for John Luther.  In between, we watch as Luther chases the Killer through London and eventually across Europe.  Sometimes opposing  him and sometimes helping him is his former boss, Martin Schenk (Dermot Crowley), and his replacement, DCI Odette Raine (Cynthia Erivo).

Luther: The Fallen Sun is at its best when the action is centered on Luther searching for the Killer in London.  A confrontation between the two in Piccadilly Circus is especially well-done and it leads to genuinely exciting chase through the London Underground.  Idris Elba displays both his fierce intelligence and his exciting physicality, while also doing a good job of suggesting that Luther is always just a frustration or two away from mentally snapping.  Elba is entertaining to watch, a perfect hero for these chaotic times.  Andy Serkis, meanwhile, plays the Killer without a hint of subtlety but that approach works for the character.  The Killer is someone who is evil because he enjoys it.  And, throughout the majority of this film, the Killer really does seem to be having the time of his life.

The film gets off to a good start, with plenty of action and atmosphere.  (This is one of those films where nothing happens unless it’s also raining.)  The aerial shots of London capture a certain neon grandeur that suggests a city that is in the process of transitioning into a brightly lit dystopia.  Serkis’s crimes are genuinely disturbing, with a scene involving a burning building feeling nightmarish in its intensity.  Unfortunately, the film loses its way a bit when the action moves away from England and into Europe.  The more that is revealed about Serkis’s plans, the less sense they make and the more the viewer is forced to suspend their disbelief.  In the end, the film’s third act feels as if it belongs in a totally different movie from everything that came before it.

That said, the mystery is still an intriguing one and Luther: The Fallen Sun actually does have something relevant to say about the illusion of privacy in our extremely online world.  One of the better scenes features hundreds of hackers, all sitting at their cubicles and watching as random people across the world go about their lives.  (“Potential target,” one hacker types.)  Andy Serkis is appropriately creepy and Idris Elba shows off the tough but sensitive screen presence that made him a star.  Luther: The Fallen Sun serves as both an effective continuation of the show and, for the viewers who may be meeting him for the first time, an intriguing introduction to John Luther.

A Blast From The Past: The Holy Roman Empire


It may seem strange to celebrate the Ides of March by sharing an educational film about The Holy Roman Empire, seeing as how it was famous for being neither holy nor Roman nor an Empire.  But then again, the fact that the name “Roman Empire” was still being appropriated into the 19th century shows you just how powerful a hold the Roman Empire had over people’s imaginations.  Everyone wanted to be Roman and everyone wanted to be a part of an empire.  Of course, there would have been no Roman Empire if not for the Ides of March.

Add to that, this 1961 film features not only a teacher but also historical reenactments.  I love cheap looking historical reenactments!

Here, for your educational viewing, is a blast from the past.  From 1961, it’s a look at The Holy Roman Empire!

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special David Cronenberg Edition


4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to one of our favorite directors, David Cronenberg!  No one has done more to change the way that the world views Canada than David Cronenberg.  Last year, Cronenberg came out of a ten-year retirement to film Crimes of the Future.  Next up, a film called The Shrouds, a film that is described as being a businessman who discovers a way to communicate with the dead.

Here are….

4 Shots From 4 David Cronenberg Films

Crimes of the Future (1970, dir by David Cronenberg, DP: David Cronenberg)

Scanners (1981, dir by David Cronenberg, DP: Mark Irwin)

Dead Ringers (1988, dir by David Cronenberg, DP: Peter Suschitzky)

Crimes of the Future (2022, dir by David Cronenberg, DP: Douglas Koch)

Music Video of the Day: Over by Lindsay Lohan (2004, dir by Jake Nava)


Leave Lindsay alone!

Way back in 2004, both this music video and this song were favorites of mine.  That said, even back then, I found myself wondering if I would still be attracted to a guy if he couldn’t stand up to his father.  Lindsay and her boyfriend (Drew Fuller) have a lot of chemistry but, whenever his father shows up, the guy meekly leaves.  Whenever I watch this video, I want the guy to punch out his father or, at the very least, for Lindsay to kick the old man in the groin.  That’s probably not a very realistic expectation on my part, though.  I mean, assault and battery?  It really would be over!

Reportedly, this video was inspired by one of the worst films to ever win the Oscar for Best Picture, American Beauty.  I’m holding on to hope that someday, Linsday will finally get her Oscar.  Don’t scoff.  Bigger comebacks have happened and, even in this somewhat overwrought video, Lindsay delivered a pretty good performance.  Of course, someone’s going to have to take a chance and write a decent role for her.  You’re not going to win an Oscar appearing in Netflix Christmas movies.  Just ask Kurt Russell.  He totally deserved the award for his performance as Santa Claus but he was snubbed not once but twice.  Stupid Academy.

When this video came out, some of my friends thought Lindsay and her boyfriend were crazy for fooling around in a deserted trailer but I’m a country girl at heart so I thought it was sweet.  Seriously, though, a deserted trailer can be the most romantic place on the planet under the right circumstances.  I would caution everyone to just watch out for snakes because this one time, in Arkansas….

Anyway, enjoy!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.13 “The Lady and the Longhorn/Vampire”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Robert Reed turns into a vampire!

Episode 2.13 “The Lady and the Longhorn/Vampire”

(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on December 16th, 1978)

Tattoo is excited because Vera Templeton (Eva Gabor) is coming to the island.  Vera is the glamorous owner of a cosmetics company and she is looking for a location to shoot a commercial for her makeup.  Tattoo hopes that she’ll hire him to direct so he puts on a red beret to make him look more like a director.  Mr. Roarke rolls his eyes, letting us know that he has no time for Tattoo’s foolishness.  NOT THIS WEEK!

Actually, this turns out to be a very foolish week indeed.  Vera Templeton is not just coming to the Island to shoot a commercial.  She is on the verge of going bankrupt and needs to marry a rich man.  She meets Hollis Buford, Jr. (Jack Elam), who wears a cowboy hat and picks his teeth and talks about the rodeo a lot but who is apparently a millionaire.  He’s also supposed to be from Dallas.  (I’m from Dallas and I can assure you that the cattle barons live in Fort Worth.)  Vera flirts with Hollis by speaking in a painfully bad Southern accent.  Vera and Hollis get engaged.  Hollis seems to love Vera but Vera just wants his money and we are supposed to find this funny.

Vera’s  bratty and annoying daughter (Tammy Lauren) doesn’t like Hollis, even though he seems like a perfectly well-meaning guy.  So, she sells her stocks to Vera’s butler (Lloyd Bochner) and Vera marries her butler after telling Hollis that their marriage just won’t work out.  “Dagnabbit,” Hollis says, “Now, I have to find another date to the rodeo.”

What an annoying fantasy.  Not only did the humor fall flat but it was a bit mean-spirited as well.

Meanwhile, Leo Drake (Robert Reed) and his wife, Carmen (Julie Sommars) have come to the Island.  Roarke explains that Leo is a method actor.

“That means he like to become the role that he plays,” Tattoo says, “Like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky.”

(And that is probably the only time in history that Robert Reed has even been compared to Sylvester Stallone.)

Leo has been cast in a remake of Dracula so he wants to live in an actual castle overlooking a village in Transylvania.  Roarke obliges and soon, Leo is wandering the streets in the middle of the night and he’s developing fangs.  Has he become a vampire or is the method getting the better of him?  The villagers want to set him on fire but Roarke suggests that they just wait for the sun to rise.  When the sun doesn’t destroy Leo, everyone realizes that he’s not a vampire and …. well, that’s that!

Yes, it’s painfully dumb but at least the episode features mild-mannered Robert Reed, with his gray perm and his aging porn star mustache, putting on a cape and wandering around a village at midnight.  Reed is totally miscast but that gives this episode what little charm it has.

My fantasy is that next week’s episode will be better!

The Eric Roberts Collection: Road to the Open (dir by Cole Claassen)


In 2014’s Road to the Open, Eric Roberts and John Schneider play, respectively, Tim and Rob Gollant.

The Gollant brothers are wealthy, smug, and athletic.  At the local country club, they’re not only the best golf players but also the best tennis players.  They’re the type who taunt their opponents while they’re losing.  No one really likes the Gollant brothers but people put up with them because the Gollant brothers are extremely rich.  When they tell you to get off of their bench at the club, it’s because it really is their bench.  Their names are literally on the bench.

The Gollant Brothers aren’t exactly likeable but they are fun to watch, specifically because they’re played by John Schneider and Eric Roberts.  Roberts and Schneider give perfect performances as two men who have never actually had to grow up.  They’re the type of overage high school bullies who wouldn’t stand a chance in the real world but who, fortunately, can spend all of their time hiding out at their country club.

Of course, the Gollants are not the heroes of Road to the Open.  Instead, they’re the obstacle standing in the way of Jerry McDonald (Troy McKay) and Miles Worth (Philip DeVova).  Jerry and Miles are lifelong friends who enjoy playing tennis together.  Overweight, balding, and mild-mannered, Jerry is not a typical athlete and he knows it.  Haunted by the death of his wife and raising his daughter on his own, Jerry doesn’t so much fear losing as much as he fears letting everyone down.  Miles, meanwhile, is a typical athlete, right down to the anger management issues.  Fortunately, Miles has been seeing a somewhat eccentric therapist (Judd Nelson) and he may have finally learned how to control his temper.

There’s a lot of tennis in Road to the Open but, ultimately, it’s about Jerry and Miles’s friendship and Jerry trying to find the strength to move on with his life.  Even though he meets and falls in love with Sam (Michelle Gunn), Jerry still feels as if he’s betraying the memory of his wife and, at times, he feels guilty for feeling any sort of happiness.  There’s a lot of comedy to be found in Road to the Open but, ultimately, this film is a heartfelt and rather sweet testament to friendship and love.  It’s also a well-acted film, with McKay, DeVova, and Gunn bringing a lot of likable energy to their roles.

I watched Road to the Open on Tubi.  It turned out to be a nice surprise.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Blood Red (1989)
  3. The Ambulance (1990)
  4. The Lost Capone (1990)
  5. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  6. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  7. Sensation (1994)
  8. Doctor Who (1996)
  9. Most Wanted (1997)
  10. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  11. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  12. Hey You (2006)
  13. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  14. The Expendables (2010) 
  15. Sharktopus (2010)
  16. Deadline (2012)
  17. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  18. Lovelace (2013)
  19. Self-Storage (2013)
  20. Inherent Vice (2014)
  21. Rumors of War (2014)
  22. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  23. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  24. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  25. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  26. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  27. Monster Island (2019)
  28. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  29. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  30. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  31. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  32. Top Gunner (2020)
  33. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  34. Killer Advice (2021)
  35. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  36. My Dinner With Eric (2022)

Lisa Marie’s Way Too Early Oscar Predictions For March


Now that the 2022 Oscars are over with, it’s time to move on to the 2023 Oscars!

Needless to say, there’s probably nothing more pointless than trying to guess which films are going to be nominated a year from now.  I can’t even guarantee that all of the films listed below are even going to be released this year.  And, even if they are released this year, I can’t guarantee that they’ll actually be any good or that the Academy will show any interest in them.  I mean, Martin Scorsese always seems like a safe bet but we all remember what happened with Silence.  For months, everyone said Silence would be the Oscar front runner.  Then it was released to respectful but not ecstatic reviews.  Audiences stayed away.  The film ended up with one technical nomination.

My point is that no one knows anything.  As much as I hate quoting William Goldman (because, seriously, quoting Goldman on a film site is such a cliché at this point), Goldman was right.

So, you may be asking, how did I come up with the nominees below?  For the most part, I guessed.  A few of them I went with because of the people who made the film.  Though shooting has wrapped, Ferrari might not even be released this year but it’s a Michael Mann film that stars Adam Driver so, for now, I have to include it.  Of course, I had to include Scorsese and Killers of the Flower Moon.  Asteroid City is there because the Academy embraced Wes Anderson once and it could always happen again.  Fair Play and Magazine Dreams‘s Jonathan Majors are listed because the Sundance Film Festival is still a recent memory.  Maestro is there because the Academy seems like to Bradley Cooper.  Dune Part Two and Oppenheimer are there because Film Twitter is convinced that they will be.

In other words, there’s no real science to these predictions.  It’s too early in the year to do anything but guess.  And for now, these are my guesses.  A year from now, they’ll be good for either bragging rights or a laugh.  Hopefully, they’ll be good for both.

Best Picture

Asteroid City

The Color Purple

Dune Part Two

Fair Play

Ferrari

The Holdovers

Killers of the Flower Moon

Maestro

Oppenheimer

Rustin

Best Director

Chloe Domont for Fair Play

Christopher Nolan for Oppenheimer

Alexander Payne for The Holdovers

Martin Scorsese for Killers of the Flower Moon

Denis Villeneuve for Dune Part Two

Best Actor

Bradley Cooper in Maestro

Colman Domingo in Rustin

Paul Giamatti in The Holdovers

Jonathan Majors in Magazine Dreams

Cillian Murphy in Oppenheimer

Best Actress

Emily Blunt in Pain Hustlers

Carey Mulligan in Maestro

Da’Vine Joy Randolph in The Holdovers

Julia Roberts in Leave the World Behind

Teyana Taylor in A Thousand and One

Best Supporting Actor

Mahershala Ali in Leave The World Behind

Willem DaFoe in Poor Things

Matt Damon in Oppenheimer

Ethan Hawke in Strange Way Of Life

Jesse Plemons in Killers of the Flower Moon

Best Supporting Actress

Emily Blunt in Oppenheimer

Tantoo Cardinal in Killers of the Flower Moon

Taraji P. Henson in The Color Purple

Florence Pugh in Oppenheimer

Tilda Swinton in Asteroid City

Scenes That I Love: Michael Caine in The Dark Knight Rises


Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy 90th birthday to Sir Michael Caine.

With 177 acting credits listed on the imdb, Michael Caine has been working regularly since 1956.  (Though he actually made his acting debut, at the age of 10, in a made-for-TV movie in 1946).  There are many great Michael Caine performances and scenes to choose from but, for today, I decided to go for a scene from 2012’s The Dark Knight Rises.  Caine was 79 when he played Alfred in this film and he showed that, after decades of work, he hadn’t lost a step as a performer.  As well, he also showed his ability to take a character who could have been ridiculous — the loyal butler of a superhero — and instead make him surprisingly poignant.

Film Review: 600 Miles (dir by Gabriel Ripstein)


The 2015 film, 600 Miles, tells the story of two people, neither of whom is quite who he originally appears to be.

Arnulfo Rubio (Kristyan Ferrer) is the 18 year-old nephew of the head of one of Mexico’s drug cartels.  Arnulfo’s job is to go across the border, purchases weapons in the United States, and then smuggle them back into Mexico.  Arnulfo likes to think of himself as being an important member of his uncle’s cartel but it’s obvious that no one has much respect for Arnulfo.  The other members of the cartel treat him like a errand boy.  His uncle merely tolerates him, no matter how many times Arnulfo tries to impress him with his loyalty.  His own mother doesn’t seem to want to have Arnulfo around the house.  While Arnulfo takes the weapon smuggling very seriously, his American partner — who is himself just as trashy teenager — treats it all like a game.  Arnulfo talks tough but whenever he’s confronted by the threat of real violence, Arnulfo starts to cry.  Arnulfo may carry a gun and he may be committing crimes but he’s still the type of immature child who draws fake tattoos on his shoulders and who makes mean faces in front of a mirror.

When an ATF agent named Hank Harris (played by Tim Roth) attempts to arrest Arnulfo, Arnulfo’s American partner knocks Hank out and then takes off running.  Not knowing what else to do, Arnulfo puts Hank in his truck and takes him into Mexico.  After Hank mentions the names of the leaders of a rival cartel, Arnulfo decides that Hank could be a good intelligence asset to his uncle’s cartel.  Arnulfo feels that kidnapping Hank will be the perfect way to win his uncle’s respect.

As for Hank, it’s hard not to notice that he doesn’t seem to be that upset about being tied up in Arnulfo’s truck.  Whenever Arnulfo tries to order Hank to do something, Hank comes up with a perfect excuse for why he can’t to do it.  When Arnulfo demands that Hank call his wife and lie about where he is, Hank replies that his wife is dead.  Arnulfo believes Hank and, as they drive to his uncle’s house, the two of them even start to bond.  Arnulfo never considers that his uncle might not want his nephew to give an ATF agent a guided tour of the cartel’s business.  And, for his matter, Hank never tries to escape despite a number of obvious opportunities to do so.

It makes for a very tense film.  The viewer knows that something bad is going to happen once Arnulfo finally reaches his uncle.  The only question is what.  For all of his tough talk, Arnulfo is way too trusting and the audience spends the movie waiting for the moment when it will be revealed whether Arnulfo’s bigger mistake was trusting his uncle or trusting Hank.  Along the way, Arnulfo and Hank’s odd friendship becomes a fascinating metaphor for how the U.S. and Mexico view each other and themselves.  The film was reportedly inspired by Operation Fast and Furious, the misbegotten government operation in which the United States gave guns to the cartels so that they could then prosecute the cartels for the deadly crimes committed with those same guns.  Arnulfo cares about both the cartel and Hank but, in the end, one is left to wonder if any of them actually care about Arnulfo or if he’s just one of many pawns in their game.

Tim Roth and Kristyan Ferrer are both well-cast, with Roth bringing his trademark intensity to the role of Hank and Ferrer making Arnulfo into someone who secretly knows that he will never be the mastermind that he dreams of being.  In the wrong hands, Arnulfo could have been a very annoying character but Ferrer plays him as being someone who knows that he’s in over his head and it’s hard not to feel sorry for him as his wishful thinking comes up against the harsh reality of his situation.  The first 20 or so minutes of 600 Miles are dedicated to Arnulfo believing that he’s on top of the world.  The remaining 60 follow him as he comes to realize that the opposite is true.

600 Miles is as timely today as when it was first released.  It’s a film that I recommend to anyone trying to understand what’s happening down on the border.