Three Faces of Love”

Posted on July 8, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, season 7 comes to an end,

Episode 7.27 “Best Ex-Friends/All the Congressman’s Women/Three Faces of Love”

(Dir by Ted Lange, originally aired on May 12th, 1984)

This week, on The Love Boat, Gopher fires Isaac!

You read that right. Gopher told Isaac, “You’re fired,” and it was one of the most shocking things I’ve ever seen on The Love Boat. Some of that was because Gopher and Isaac were best friends. Most of it was because I had no idea that Gopher could fire people.

Why does Gopher fire Isaac? Because Isaac refuses to fire Tina Burnell (Eugenia Wright), the new barmaid that Isaac is currently dating. In Gopher’s defense, Tina is terrible at her job. Also, in Gopher’s defense, it really doesn’t seem ethical for Isaac to hire someone just because he wants to sleep with her. In fact, that seems kind of icky by today’s standards. Then again, this episode aired in 1984. Times were apparently different back then.

The next morning, Gopher rehires Isaac and the two of them forgive each other. But then Gopher puts in for a transfer to another ship because he feels that he’s too close to everyone on the boat to do a good job. (Gopher is probably correct about this.) Isaac finally admits that Tina is not a good enough barmaid and he gently fires her. He assures her that, with her looks and personality, she’ll be able to find a new boss who wants to sleep with her and she’ll get a new job in no time. Isaac chooses friendship over meaningless sex. Awwwww!

I’m being snarky but this story actually worked far better than it had any right to. Ted Lange and Fred Grandy always made for a good team. Their friendship always feels real and, all other issues aside, it’s hard not be happy that they’re still friends at the end of this episode.

As for the other stories, Sal Viscuso plays a movie makeup artist who fears that his girlfriend (Heidi Bohay) is going to cheat on him. He disguises himself as both Burt Reynolds and Doc Bricker in order to test her loyalty. Amazingly, she’s touched by his devotion.

And finally, 11 year-old Tori Spelling plays a sociopathic little brat who doesn’t want her Congressman father (Sam Goom) to run for governor or marry his campaign manager (Phyllis Davis). So, Tori starts cutting up newspapers and magazines and using the headlines to create threatening letters. Somehow, no one has figured out that Tori is the culprit and the Congressman is traveling with a bodyguard. (Hopefully, the Congressman is paying for the bodyguard himself and not charging the taxpayers.) Eventually, Tori comes clean but only after she’s caught with a scissors, glue, and cut up magazine. Personally, I think Tori should have been tossed overboard but instead, she accepts her father’s ambition and her new stepmother’s love.

This was the final episode of Season 7 and it wasn’t a bad one to go out on. Tori Spelling was a terrible actress even at the age of eleven but the Gopher/Isaac storyline was touching. Sadly, this was Lauren Tewes’s final episode and she did not get a grand send-off. Instead, she was fired after this season because, as Tewes has admitted in several interviews, she was struggling with a serious cocaine addiction. Tewes didn’t get to do much during Season 7 and, when you consider how important Julie was during the early seasons of The Love Boat, that’s a shame.

Out of respect for Lauren’s final episode, we’re retiring the HOW COKED UP WAS JULIE scale. What’s important is that Lauren herself got clean and went on to appear in Twin Peaks: The Return. Good for her!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.5 “Julie’s Aunt/Where Is It Written?/The Big Deal”

Posted on March 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Things get a bit icky this week. Ugh!

Episode 2.5 “Julie’s Aunt/Where Is It Written?/The Big Deal”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on October 14th, 1978)

How icky can one cruise get?

Well, consider this. On this week’s episode of The Love Boat, Captain Stubing’s uncle (Red Buttons) is a passenger on the boat. Uncle Cyrus decides that he likes Julie. How does he express how much he likes Julie? He invites her to his cabin and then lunges at her and starts kissing her. Julie runs out of the cabin and Uncle Cyrus chases her through the corridors of the boat. Once Julie does get away from him, she tells Doc and Gopher about what happened. Doc and Gopher both think that it’s funny.

(Uhmm, guys, this isn’t some old guy with a crush. This is someone who invited the cruise director to his cabin …. AND ATTACKED HER!)

Everyone agrees that Julie should just try to avoid Cyrus and that she should not tell the Captain about what happened. Unfortunately, because Uncle Cyrus told the Captain about how much he enjoys Julie’s company, Stubing insists that Julie spend as much time as possible with Uncle Cyrus. Every time that Julie goes down to his cabin, Cyrus grabs her and starts kissing her. Scene after scene, Julie has to push Cyrus off of her so that she can escape, screaming, into the hallway.

Finally, realizing that she can’t go on like this, Julie realizes that she has to do something, even if both Doc Bricker and Gopher refuse to take the situation seriously. Out of the three choice below, which do you think she goes with?

Call the police
Tell Captain Stubing and demand that he call the police
Have Gopher dress up like a woman and pretend to be a member of the police

If you picked number three, you could have been a writer for The Love Boat!

Ugh! I hated everything about this storyline!

I wasn’t a fan of the other two storylines as well. The first featured Hope Lange as Sandra Newberry, the wife of publisher Alfred Newberry (Gene Barry). She is upset to discover that Alfred has invited a Norman Maileresque writer named Mark Littlejohn (Richard Mulligan) to accompany them on the cruise. Alfred wants Mark to hurry up and finish the final chapter of his autobiography. Make wants to steal Sandra away. In the end, Alfred and Mark get into a fight. They’re too clumsy to actually hit each other but they do manage to knock out Captain Stubing. Again, you would think that this would be the sort of thing that would eventually involve the police but instead Stubing just accepts a payment that will come from the royalties of Mark’s book. Whatever. Go deal with your uncle, Captain.

Finally, Martin Scott (Allen Ludden) is a businessman who is selling his business to Brad Collins (Sam Groom). Martin’s daughter, Allison (Mackenzie Phillips), feels like she has to date Brad even though she’s actually in love with a musician named Jim Warren (Erik Estrada). It was hard not to feel that, intentionally or not, Martin was basically pimping out his daughter. Again, it was just icky.

This was not a fun cruise. Hopefully, next week will be better.

Hanging By A Thread (1979, directed by Georg Fenady)

Posted on August 19, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

A group of old friend who call themselves the Uptowners’ Club (yes, really) want to go on a picnic on top of a remote mountain. The only problem is that they have to ride a cable car up to the mountain and there are reports of potentially bad weather. It’s not safe to ride in a cable car during a thunderstorm. Drunken ne’er-do-well Alan (Bert Convy) doesn’t care and, since his family owns both the mountain and the tramway, his demands that he and his friends be allowed to ride the cable car are met. One lightning strike later and the members of the Uptowners’ Club are stranded in a cable car that is perilously suspended, by only a frayed wire, over treacherous mountain valley.

With no place to go, there’s not much left for the members of the Uptowners’ Club to do but bicker amongst themselves and have lengthy flashbacks that reveal every detail of their own sordid history. Paul (Sam Groom) is angry with Alan because Alan is now engaged to his ex-wife (Donna Mills). Sue Grainger (Patty Duke) is angry with everyone else because they don’t want to admit how their old friend Bobby Graham (Doug Llewellyn) actually died. The other members of the Uptowners’ Club are angry because there’s not much for them to do other than watch Duke and Convy chew on the scenery. Because of the supposedly fierce winds, someone is going to have to climb out on top of the cable car and repair it themselves. Will it be Paul or will it be cowardly drunk Alan? On top of everything else, Paul is set to enter the witness protection program and has got hitmen who want to kill him.

This made-for-TV disaster movie was produced by Irwin Allen. Are you surprised? It’s also three hours long and amazingly, Leslie Nielsen is not in it. It’s hard to understand how anyone could have produced a cable car disaster film and not given a role to Leslie Nielsen. Cameron Mitchell’s in the film but he’s not actually in the cable car so it’s a missed opportunity. Any film that features Patty Duke detailing how her friends got so drunk that they ended up killing the future host of The People’s Court is going to at least have some curiosity value but, for the most part, Hanging By A Thread gets bogged down by its own excessive runtime and lack of convincing effects. Hanging By A Thread came out at the tail end of the 70s disaster boom and it shows why the boom didn’t continue into the 80s.