Mind My Wife”

Posted on May 22, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise proves that you never knew who you would see on The Love Boat as both Jill St. John and Ron “Horshack” Pallilo set sail for adventure.

Episode 4.17 “Lose One, Win One/The $10,000 Lover/Mind My Wife”

(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on January 31st, 1981)

I have often said that the least believable thing about The Love Boat has been its portrayal of Doc Bricker (played, in likable but mild-mannered fashion, by Bernie Kopell) as being a legendary seducer. This week’s episode, however, features something that is even less believable. Ron Pallilo (yes, Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter) plays Casper Martin, the world’s most successful lover.

Yes, seriously.

Now, in the show’s defense, everyone points out that Casper is a bit on the …. nerdy side. Gopher even calls him a nerd and if there’s anything that Gopher knows about, it’s being a nerd. But apparently, women are supposed to find Casper to be irresistible. (Speaking for myself …. uhmm, no.) Though Casper himself doesn’t know it, he boards the ship just five sexual encounters away from setting the world record. On the first day of the cruise, he takes it down to just being two encounters away. (SERIOUSLY — WHO TAKES A CRUISE AND HAS SEX WITH HORSHACK!?) Casper’s friend, Tony Streeter (James Darren), works for The Encyclopedia of World Records and is keeping track.

But then Casper meets the equally quirky Norma Kittredge (Gina Hecht) and falls in love and decides that he’s ready to settle down. Will the record never be broken!?

Meanwhile, another passenger — Nick Rondo (Steve Marachuk) — is convinced that rich Priscilla Hensley (Dorian Lopinto) is actually Penny, a girl that he went to high school with. It turns out that he’s right but Priscilla is lying about her background so that she can marry a rich snob named Buckstone Cooper (Sam Chew, Jr.). Who will Penny pick? Blue collar Nick or snobbish Buckstone? Do you really have to ask?

Finally, Doc is excited because his old friend, Dr. Charlie Wilson (James MacKrell) has booked a cruise with his wife, Sandy (Jill St. John). Unfortunately, Dr. Wilson has to back out of the cruise to perform surgery so Sandy sails alone. Charlie asks Doc to look after his wife and Doc agrees. However, Doc soon comes to fear that Sandy is interested in more than just friendship. (Yes, this is the cruise where Horshack gets laid while Doc — for the first time ever — tries to resist temptation.) No worries, Doc! Sandy is more interested in Captain Stubing than her husband’s best friend.

This episode was a bit on the dull side. Perhaps if Barbarino or even Epstein has taken the cruise instead of Horshack, things would have been a bit more entertaining but, as it was, this cruise didn’t make much of an impression. Even the usually reliable Jill St. John seemed to be a bit bored by the whole thing. Hopefully, next week’s episode will have something for everyone.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Sherlock Holmes Edition

Posted on May 22, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today is Arthur Conan Doyle’s birthday. Today, we pay tribute to Doyle’s most popular and influential creation. It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 Sherlock Holmes Films

Sherlock Holmes (1922, dir by Albert Parker, DP: J. Roy Hunt)

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1939, dir by Sindey Lanfield, DP: Peverell Marley)

The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes (1970, dir by Billy Wilder, DP: Christopher Challis)

Sherlock Holmes (2009, dir by Guy Ritchie, DP: Philippe Rousselot)

Scenes That I Love: Laurence Olivier In Hamlet

Posted on May 22, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

117 years ago today, Laurence Olivier was born in Surrey. The son of a clergyman, Olivier would go on to become one of the greatest stage actors of the 20th Century. He would also have a distinguished film career, one that led to him frequently being described as being the world’s greatest living actor.

He is perhaps best-known for his Shakespearean performances. He won multiple Oscars for directing and starring in 1948’s Hamlet. Today’s scene that I love comes from that film and features Olivier at his best, as both an actor and a director.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.5 “Circle of Fear”

Posted on May 21, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, something is stalking Ryan!

Episode 2.5 “Circle of Fear”

(Dir by Bruce Kessler, originally aired on October 27th, 1996)

This episode opens with a blonde woman performing some sort of strange, witchcraft-related ceremony in the middle of the woods, spinning around until she apparently dies. The next morning, Diamont Teague approaches Mitch and asks him to head out to the woods and investigate the scene of the ceremony.

As I watched Diamont talk to Mitch about witchcraft, it occurred to me that the Baywatch Nights format change that occurred between the end of season one and the start of season two led to some unanswered questions. For one thing, where has Garner disappeared to? Are Mitch and Ryan still private eyes or are they now just hobbyists? (We haven’t seen them in their office since this season started.) Even more importantly, who is Diamont and how does Mitch know him? Why is Diamont continually asking Mitch and Ryan to investigate every strange thing that happens in Malibu? Does Diamont work for the government or is he just someone who is obsessed with the paranormal? Where does Diamont live? Where is Diamont from? Why can’t Diamont ever investigate anything on his own? Why does he always tell Mitch and Ryan to do it? At the start of the season, Diamont pretty much just showed up out-of-nowhere but everyone on the show acts as if he’s been around forever.

At the site of the witchy ceremony, Mitch and Ryan find the remains of an altar and a burned book. A trip down to the local occult library reveals that the book is an ancient magical text. Ryan buys an edition of the book and she takes it home with her. Sitting alone in her new apartment, Ryan finds herself mysteriously compelled to read aloud from the book. That turns out to be a mistake as Ryan soon finds herself being followed by a spirt that apparently wants to possess her and causes harm to come to anyone who annoys her, including a flirtatious waiter and an obnoxious plumber. Can Mitch and Ryan drive the spirit out of Ryan’s apartment without Ryan losing her security deposit?

I enjoyed the episode, even if I’m still not quite clear on why Mitch and Ryan are taking orders from Diamont. After being underutilized over the past few episodes, Angie Harmon steps into the spotlight here and she gives a strong performance, especially in the scenes where she’s first realizing that an unseen spirit is manipulating her and her actions. Harmon’s down-to-earth style provides a nice match to David Hasselhoff’s more “dramatic” style of acting. (Indeed, there’s a part of me that thinks this series would have lasted longer if it had dropped the Baywatch connection and instead focused on Angie Harmon solving mysteries and battling ghosts, goblins, and ghouls.) Baywatch Nights seemed to really hit its stride with this episode.

Next week, Mitch and Ryan travel into the past!

The Films of 2024: The Mummy Murders (dir by Colin Bressler)

Posted on May 21, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Alexis (Leila Anastasia Scott) is a San Antonio news reporter who, while sitting in a small cafe, is approached by a man named Joe (Jason Scarbrough).

At first, Joe just seems like an appreciative fan of Alexis’s reporting, albeit a bit of creepy and pushy one. But it’s only after Joe sits down, removes his glasses, and starts to speak about his life to Alexis that the truth becomes apparent. Joe says that he’s the serial killer who has been terrorizing San Antonio for the past few months. His trademark is that he mummifies the bodies of his victims. At first skeptical and then increasingly disturbed, Alexis listens as Joe calmly discusses his life, from his childhood as the son of a mortician to his time in the Army, to his current life as a killer. As the conversation continues, it becomes apparent that Joe has a connection to Alexis and her family.

First released on January 2nd (and therefore, the first film of 2024), The Mummy Murders is a low-budget serial killer film that was filmed on location in San Antonio. I have to admit that I’m a bit weary of serial killer films, just because there have been so many of them that they can sometimes feel rather interchangeable. There’s only so many times you can sit through someone giving a long-winded explanation of their motives and their techniques before you start to wonder what the point of it all truly is. Personally, I am of the opinion that Lars Von Trier pushed the serial killer genre to its logical conclusion with The House That Jack Built. Matt Dillon plunging into the abyss was not only a fitting end for his character but also a sign that we had learned just about everything that there was to learn about what makes a serial killer tick. There’s nothing left to discover.

That said, when taken on its own terms, The Mummy Murders is effectively creepy. Again, it’s an extremely low budget movie and, towards the end of the film, the boom mic makes a presumably uninvited appearance. There’s some holes in the film’s plot and I took issue with a lot of the choices that Alexis made throughout the film. But Jason Scarbrough gives an effectively unhinged performance as Joe and the film deserves a lot of credit for not trying to make him into some sort of erudite, witty Hannibal Lecter-style murderer. Instead, Joe is a believable creep who takes pride in his crimes because they’re the only thing for which he’s ever shown any ability. Joe looks at both Alexis and the audience with a thousand-yard state, leaving little doubt that there’s zero room for kindness or empathy in Joe’s death-obsessed mind. In an especially creepy moment, Joe talks about his excitement when, as a pre-teen, he discovered that the body of a girl on whom he had a crush had been brought to his father’s mortuary. It’s icky and it’s creepy but it’s probably a more realistic portrayal of the killer’s sick mindset than what is found in most films.

As a final note, The Mummy Murders was shot on location in San Antonio. San Antonio’s a lovely city. More films should shoot down there.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.2 “The Devil and Mr. Roarke/Ziegfeld Girls/Kid Corey Rides Again”

Posted on May 21, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion, YouTube, Plex, and a host of other sites.

This week is a busy one as Mr. Roarke deals with several guests, a new assistant …. AND THE DEVIL!

Episode 5.2 “The Devil and Mr. Roarke/Ziegfeld Girls/Kid Corey Rides Again”

(Dir by Don Chaffey, originally aired on October 17th, 1981)

The plane lands at the Island, carrying four people in search of a fantasy. Waiting to greet them are Mr. Roarke, Tattoo, and Julie. After being told that she wasn’t ready to greet the guests last week, Julie has finally been promoted. And if you thought that Mr. Roarke and Tattoo occasionally had an awkward chemistry, it’s nothing compared to how awkward things feel with a third person cheerfully taking part in their conversations. Wendy Schaal is likable enough as Julie but it’s hard to understand why, in-universe, the character is there.

As for our guests, Joan (Barbi Benton in old-age makeup) and Rubi (Audrey Landers, in even more old-age makeup) are former Ziegfeld girls who want to relive their youth. Joan’s niece, Billie (Betty Kennedy), is appearing in a Ziegfeld-style revue that is being directed by Carl Wagner (Dack Rambo). Mr. Roarke agree to make Rubi and Joan young again, with the understanding that it will only be for the weekend and that they can’t tell anyone about their fantasy while they’re experiencing it. The women agree and are overjoyed when they are transformed into their younger selves. (I’m going to guess that Benton and Landers were probably even happier to ditch the old age makeup.) Rubi promptly decides to steal Carl away from Billie. Joan is shocked by Rubi’s behavior and she has to decide whether to allow her friend to live her fantasy or to tell the truth about what she and Rubi are doing on the island.

Also going into the past is a meek shoe salesman named Ned Plummer (Arte Johnson). Ned wants to go back to the old west so that he can meet his hero, outlaw Kid Corey. Corey is famous for disappearing after pulling off a million dollar robbery. Ned even has an old picture of Corey in which Corey possesses a definite resemblance to Ned himself. Mr. Roarke warns Ned that, when he goes to the past, the bullets will be real and he won’t be able to return to the present until his fantasy is over. Given a magic horse, Ned rides into the past and promptly meets Kid Corey (Jack Elam).

It turns out that Kid Corey doesn’t look like Ned. It also turns out that Kid Corey is not the Robin Hood-type figure that he was made out to be in the history books. Kid Corey isn’t even a Kid! He’s an irascible old man who doesn’t lift a finger when Ned is arrested by Sheriff Matt (Cameron Mitchell, naturally enough), taken to jail, and sentenced to hang. Oh no! It sound like it’s time for Mr. Roarke to save Ned, right? Well, Mr. Roarke is busy with another situation so it’s Tattoo who shows up in Ned’s fantasy and, oddly, Tattoo doesn’t seem to be that worried about Ned getting executed. Maybe Tattoo is planning on blaming it all on Julie. (That said, it is nice to see Tattoo get to do something more than just as Mr. Roarke questions. In this episode, Herve Villechaize seems to be enjoying the chance to show off his snarky side.)

What is occupying Mr. Roarke’s attention? Well, Satan (Roddy McDowall) has returned to the Island. He claims that he’s just looking for a relaxing weekend but it soon becomes obvious that, once again, he wants Roarke’s soul. Mr. Roarke warns Julie to be careful what she says around the Devil. So, of course, Julie promptly offers to give away her soul.

Now, in Julie’s defense, she was trying to save a guest who was drowning in quicksand and what she said is that she would do anything to save the guest’s life. Satan hears and saves the guest in return for Julie giving him her soul at midnight. Still, I have to wonder why Julie hadn’t been previously trained on how to pull someone out of quicksand. I mean, if she’s ready to meet the guests then I would think that Roarke would have given her quicksand training. That really seems like the first thing that someone should learn when they start working on Fantasy Island.

(For that matter, why is there so much quicksand on a resort!?)

Satan — surprise! — is willing to call off his deal with Julie in return for Roarke giving up his soul at midnight. Roarke agrees but then he tricks Satan by singing a contract transferring possession of his soul to Julie. Since Roarke’s soul is now Julie’s, Roarke can’t get give it away. Because the overly cocky Satan spends too much time gloating and then gets upset over being conned, he loses track of time and the midnight hour passes without Satan taking anyone’s souls.

(I’m not sure if any of this would hold up in court but, to be honest, I don’t really know much about contract law.)

With three stories and a new sidekick to introduce, this was a very busy episode. The Ziegfeld and the Old West fantasies were nicely done. The Ziegfeld costumes were to die for and Jack Elam was memorably uncouth in the role of Kid Corey. That said, as you can probably guess, the main attraction here is Roddy McDowall hamming it up as the Devil. He and Montalban both seem to be having a lot of fun in this episode and their confrontation is entertaining to watch. I wish Julie hadn’t been portrayed as being such a naive fool but still, this was an enjoyable weekend on the Island.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Dinosaur Day Edition

Posted on May 21, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Since, as my sister has already pointed out, today is Dinosaur Day, it only makes it sense to continue to pay tribute to everyone’s favorite prehistoric marvels. It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 Dinosaur Films

The Ghost of Slumber Mountain (1918, dir by Willis O’Brien, DP: Willis O’Brien)

One Million Years B.C. (1966, dir by Don Chaffey, DP: Wilkie Cooper)

Planet of the Dinosaurs (1978, dir by James Shea, DP: Henning Schellerup)

Carnosaur (1993, dir by Adam Simon, DP: Keith Holland)

Scenes That I Love: Mr. T Predicts “Pain” in Rocky III

Posted on May 21, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I saw that today was Mr. T’s birthday and, for a while now, I’ve been reviewing T and T, a Canadian detective show that he starred in for three seasons. I figured I could have shared a scene that I love from T and T but there really aren’t any scenes from T and T that are worth loving. Besides, we all know what we immediately think of when it comes to Mr. T.

For today’s scene that I love, here’s Mr. T as Clubber Lang in Rocky III:

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.5 “Neighborhood Watch”

Posted on May 20, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Ponch and Baker abandon the highways and keep watch over a neighborhood.

Episode 2.5 “Neighborhood Watch”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on October 14th, 1978)

After a series of near-accidents and speeding violations occur in an upper class neighborhood, Getraer decides to take his people off the highways and instead assign then to keep an eye on one residential street. Ponch is happy because it means he gets to sit on his bike and watch all of the women who jog throughout the day. Baker is happy for presumably the same reason, though he’s noticeably less obvious about it than Ponch. To be honest, I’m surprised that Ponch hasn’t been in more accidents because he can never keep his eyes on the road.

Unfortunately, even a quiet neighborhood street has its problems. Gerald Billings (Stephen Young) is struggling, with both his marriage and with his attempts to find a new job. The first time that Baker pulls him over, it’s because Gerald is speeding and shaving in his car. The second time, it’s because Gerald is driving drunk after finding out that he has been turned down for yet another job. It’s after the second arrest that Gerald files a formal complaint against Baker.

What’s interesting is that this is the same thing that often happens to Ponch but Getraer is instantly sympathetic to Baker whereas he’s never that way when it comes to anyone trying to get Ponch in trouble. Indeed, Getraer often comes across as if he can’t wait for the day when he’ll have an excuse to fire Ponch. Don’t get me wrong. Ponch is pretty obnoxious and his behavior while on the job is often rather gauche. But it’s still pretty obvious that, for all of Ponch’s flaws, the tension between him and Getraer is personal in nature. Getraer just doesn’t like him.

As for Baker, he gets off the hook when he arrests Gerald a third time. After a drunk Gerald accidentally runs over a pedestrian and crashes his car, Gerald takes off on foot. Baker catches him and it’s pretty obvious that Gerald’s going to be heading off to jail. His complaint will be forgotten. Even if Gerald wasn’t going to jail, I’m sure Getraer would have pulled some string for his favorite motorcycle cop.

This episode’s other plotline revolved around some mischievous kids who had too much free time on their hands and almost always seemed to be doing something reckless on their skateboards. The most prominent of them was Brian (played by Robbie Rist, who previously gained infamy as Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch). Brian even buzzed Ponch and Jon with a model airplane. Realizing the kids weren’t really that bad, Ponch took them to a skate park and showed off a few of his own skateboard moves. Let’s just say that Erik Estrada was no Tony Hawk.

This episode was kind of boring. I get that the episode was showing that the Highway Patrol does good work even off the highways but the highway — and more importantly, the chance to see a fast-paced chase or a spectacular crash on the highway — is the main reason anyone would have for watching this show. Taking Ponch and Baker off the highway just feels wrong. Hopefully, they’ll be back where they belong next week!

The Films of 2024: Sunrise (dir by Andrew Baird)

Posted on May 20, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In the Pacific Northwest, animals are being killed and their blood is being drained. Some of the locals theorize that it’s the work of the Red Coat, a legendary creature that demands constant sacrifices to keep it at bay.

Reynolds (Guy Pearce, with a wild preacherman beard) doesn’t care about the Red Coat. He’s more upset about the fact that he and his buddies are feeling displaced in America. He’s been driven to rage by the fact that there’s a family named Loi living in his community. He hates immigrants. He blames minorities for every problem that America is facing. He says “ain’t” instead of “is not” because that’s the way this film lets us know that its characters are supposed to be blue collar.

Reynolds has murdered Mr. Loi (Chike Chin) and he’s targeting Yan Loi (Crystal Yu) and her teenage son, Edward (William Gao). Fortunately, the Loi Family has a protector. Fallon (Alex Pettyfer) wanders through the misty countryside with a grim look on his face and a darkly-colored wardrobe that is designed to let us know that he’s seeking vengeance. Along with defending the Loi Family, Fallon has a personal reason for seeking vengeance on Reynolds. Fallon also has an insatiable need for blood….

Sunrise is a somber, slowly-paced, and rather shallow-minded film. It takes itself very seriously and it definitely wants you to know that it has important stuff on its mind, unlike those other vampire films that just seek to be entertaining. Of course, as any student of the grindhouse knows, an entertaining film can often be the most effective form of propaganda around. People aren’t going to think about your message is they’re bored out of their mind.

At times, Sunrise seems to think that it’s the first film to ever use vampirism as a way to comment on current events, which I’m sure would be news to Bram Stoker, Jean Rollin, Anne Rice, Stephen King, Kim Newman, John Carpenter, Werner Herzog, Francis Ford Coppola, Spike Lee, Abel Ferrara, Guillermo del Toro, Kathyrn Bigelow, David Conenberg, Bill Gunn, Dan Curtis, and just about anyone else who has ever written or directed anything that involved a vampire. Reynolds rants and rave about his hated of immigrants in speeches that are so overwritten and so florid that they verge on parody. (At one point, he saps at a deputy for not drinking an American beer.) His character is a fever dream of what Leftists think blue collar workers sound like when they’re not cheering their favorite football team or laughing about climate change. I suppose the filmmakers deserve some credit for having enough discipline to realize that having Reynolds shout, “This is MAGA country!” would be a bit too heavy-handed for even this film but one can tell that the temptation was definitely there.

At first, I thought that the film’s cinematography would be its saving grace but eventually, I got bored with all of the artfully composed shots of the misty northwest. There’s really not much difference between Sunrise‘s visuals and the visuals of the Twilight films. Then I thought that Guy Pearce’s intensity might elevate the film but then I realized that Pearce has played this same character several times and he’s been more interesting in other films. As for Alex Pettyfer, he’s just as boring here as he was in Magic Mike. In Magic Mike, he at least danced.

Interestingly, this film — with its portrayal of rampant racism in the American northwest — is an Irish production that was shot not in Washington or Oregon but instead in Belfast. That perhaps explains why the characters often sound like they learned how to speak by watching American cop shows on television. Personally, I am not amongst those who feels that people should only be allowed to make movies about their own countries. I don’t believe in limiting the imagination in that style. As an American of Irish (and Italian and Spanish) descent, I think that an American filmmaker would be totally justified in directing a film about Ian Paisley’s followers terrorizing the Catholic minority in Northern Ireland. (They could even shoot it around Austin, Texas.) Or maybe someone could make a movie about that Irish basketball team who refused to shake hands with an opposing team because the team was from Israel. All’s fair.