Horror on the Lens: Bride of the Monster (dir by Edward D. Wood, Jr.)


Bride of The Monster (1955, dir by Ed Wood)

Today’s horror film on the lens is Edward D. Wood’s 1955 epic, Bride of the Monster.

(Much like Plan 9 From Outer Space, around here, it is a tradition to watch Bride of the Monster in October.)

The film itself doesn’t feature a bride but it does feature a monster, a giant octopus who guards the mansion of the mysterious Dr. Vornoff (Bela Lugosi).  Vornoff and his hulking henchman Lobo (Tor Johnson) have been kidnapping men and using nuclear power to try to create a race of super soldiers.  Or something like that.  The plot has a make-it-up-as-you-go-along feel to it.  That’s actually a huge part of the film’s appeal.

Bride of the Monster is regularly described as being one of the worst films ever made but I think that’s rather unfair.   Appearing in his last speaking role, Lugosi actually gives a pretty good performance, bringing a wounded dignity to the role of Vornoff.  If judged solely against other movies directed by Ed Wood, this is actually one of the best films ever made.

(For a longer review, click here!)

6 Trailers For October 13th, 2023


Happy Friday the 13th!  Since today is a special day, here’s a special edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film trailers!  The theme today is …. DON’T GO IN THE WOODS!

  1. Friday the 13th (1980)

Obviously, I had to start things off with the trailer for the original Friday the 13th!  This trailer puts a lot of emphasis on Marcie’s dream about the rain turning into blood.  I have to say that is a pretty intense dream.

2. The Burning (1981)

After Friday the 13th, there were many movies about the dangers of going to camp.  The Burning is one of the best-remembered.  Seriously, I’m so glad that I never did the camp thing.

3. Madman (1982)

I reviewed Madman earlier this month but I’m going to share the trailer again.  Seriously, camping is bad but yelling, “Madman Marz!” is apparently even worse.

4. Sleepaway Camp (1983)

As bad as those camps are, they’re a picnic compared to Sleepaway Camp!

5. Without Warning (1980)

Of course, it’s not just camps that are dangerous.  As the trailer for Without Warning shows, you never know what you might run into in the woods.

6. The Guardian (1990)

Not even the trees are safe!

Horrific Insomnia File #62: Rollergator (dir by Donald G. Jackson)


What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

Last night, if you were having trouble getting to sleep, you could have logged onto Tubi and watched the 1996 film, Rollergator!  Of course, you would have had to watch the Rifftraxx version but, trust me, that would have been for the best.  There are some films that demand a certain amount of snarkiness in order to be survived and that’s certainly the case with Rollergator.

P.J. (Sandra Shuker) is a teenage girl who has just moved to Los Angeles.  There’s not much to do so P.J. spends her time either hanging out at a local carnival or relaxing on the beach.  It’s while she’s on the beach that she hears a voice calling out to her from a nearby cave.  Of course, she enters the cave to see who is calling for her because, when you’re otherwise alone and only wearing a bikini, it would only make sense to wander into a strange and dangerous location just because a totally unfamiliar voice asks you to.

Anyway, the voice belongs to a purple alligator who is kind of obnoxious.  The alligator can talk.  He says that he’s just escaped from the carnival and now Chico Dennis (Joe Estevez) has sent out a mysterious ninja (Lisa Kaake) to bring him back.  The alligator just wants to be reunited with his former owner, The Swamp Farmer (played by Conrad Brooks, who was a member of the Ed Wood stock company back in the 50s and the 60s).  After giving the alligator a hard time about always being rude and sarcastic, PJ tosses him in her backpack and takes him to …. THE CARNIVAL!  The alligator has a great time at the carnival until he and PJ run into Chico and the alligator realizes that they’re at the same carnival from which he previously escaped!  How many carnivals are in Los Angeles?

Anyway, the majority of the movie is PJ rollerblading around Los Angeles with a talking alligator puppet in her backpack.  The Dark Ninja pursues them on a skateboard but fortunately, a karate instructor (Bobbie Blackford) and a runaway named Slingshot (Jenette Lynne Hawkins) decide to help out PJ and the alligator.  Occasionally, the alligator puppet raps but he’s not very good at it.  Still, everyone loves the talking alligator.  Oddly, no one ever questions the fact that the alligator can talk.  Then again, no one manages to deliver their lines with the least bit of emotion, suggesting that everyone in Los Angeles is fairly blasé when it comes to talking alligators and skateboarding ninjas.

Rollergator is perhaps the only movie ever made about a rapping alligator and, watching it, it was kind of easy to see why there haven’t been any other movies featuring rapping alligators.  This is one of those films that features an alligator puppet for the kids and a lead actress who spends the entire movie in either a bikini or a sports bra for the adult males watching the movie with the kids but what about the women — the underpaid babysitters and the extremely helpful aunts and the exhausted mothers — who would have, if the film had been successful, been forced to watch Rollergator over the years?  The only thing we get is Joe Estevez, bulging his eyes and looking like Martin Sheen on meth.  It doesn’t seem quite fair!

Anyway, did I mention that you could watch this if you were having trouble getting to sleep?  Well, you definitely can but be warned, you may have Rollergator-inspired dreams as a result.  Those are the risks you take.

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans
  18. Only The Strong
  19. Great Expectations
  20. Casual Sex?
  21. Truth
  22. Insomina
  23. Death Do Us Part
  24. A Star is Born
  25. The Winning Season
  26. Rabbit Run
  27. Remember My Name
  28. The Arrangement
  29. Day of the Animals
  30. Still of The Night
  31. Arsenal
  32. Smooth Talk
  33. The Comedian
  34. The Minus Man
  35. Donnie Brasco
  36. Punchline
  37. Evita
  38. Six: The Mark Unleashed
  39. Disclosure
  40. The Spanish Prisoner
  41. Elektra
  42. Revenge
  43. Legend
  44. Cat Run
  45. The Pyramid
  46. Enter the Ninja
  47. Downhill
  48. Malice
  49. Mystery Date
  50. Zola
  51. Ira & Abby
  52. The Next Karate Kid
  53. A Nightmare on Drug Street
  54. Jud
  55. FTA
  56. Exterminators of the Year 3000
  57. Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
  58. The Haunting of Helen Walker
  59. True Spirit
  60. Project Kill
  61. Replica

Happy Friday the 13th From All Of Us At The Shattered Lens


Happy Friday the 13th!

Today is the greatest Friday of the year because today is not only the 13th but it’s also October 13th!  Some people consider Friday the 13th to be unlucky but those people have obviously never been the only “good girl” at a weekend party up at Camp Crystal Lake.  Ask any of them and they can tell you just how lucky Friday the 13th can be.

To our readers who are currently struggling today, we make the following suggestion: Turn off twitter.  Turn off MSNBC.  Turn off Fox.  Definitely turn off CNN.  And why not just sit back and enjoy the antics of those fun-loving kids up at Camp Crystal Lake?

In fact, in case you need help picking which movie to watch, the flame-haired one has reviewed every single one of them here on the Shattered Lens!  She personally recommends that you watch parts 1, 2, and 4 but it’s totally up to you!  Here’s some links to her reviews:

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th Part 2

Friday the 13th Part 3

Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

Friday the 13th: Jason Lives

Friday the 13th Part VII: A New Blood

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

Jason X

Freddy vs Jason

Friday the 13th: The Pointless Remake

And then be sure to check out: 12 Thing You May Not Have Known About Friday the 13th and then read the flame-haired one’s review of Camp Crystal Lake Memories!

The world will still be here when you get back, we promise.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!  Happy Horrorthon!

Cleaning Out The DVR: The Serial Killer Seduced Me (dir by Dylan Vox)


The Lifetime film, The Serial Killer Seduced Me, tells the story of Chloe (Tess Cline).

Chloe is currently working as a nurse at an assisted living facility but what she truly wants is to be recognized as an artist.  One of her patients, Lillian (Kris Ann Russell), is always encouraging Chloe to pursue her artistic dreams.  In fact, Lillian has quite a collection of art herself.  She gives Chloe the key to her house so that Chloe can get some of her paintings.  When Chloe goes to the house, she finds a painting of a young woman.  What we know but what Chloe doesn’t know is that someone murdered the woman after she posed for the painting.

Speaking of murder, someone smothers Lillian in her sleep.  Chloe is so upset over Lillian’s death that she barely pays attention when her agent, Chase (Allen Williamson), tells her that he needs some of her paintings.  Chloe signs a contract that Chase pushes in front of her.  Later, while Chloe is still in shock over Lillian’s death, she gets a call from Chase informing her that he’s set up a show for her at a local gallery.

Excited, Chloe goes to the gallery and discovers that not only has Chase hung several of her paintings in the gallery but that everyone also seems to like them.  However, the painting that everyone loves appears to be the painting of the woman that Chloe found at Lillian’s house.  Chloe is stunned, especially after a man approaches her and claims to be the husband of the woman in the painting.  The man shouts that the woman was murdered and then he goes outside and promptly gets run over by a car that ignores a stop sign.

Chloe doesn’t know what to do.  She doesn’t want to take credit for the painting but she signed a contract with Chase and Chase, when he finds out that Chloe didn’t actually paint the painting, proceeds to blackmail her.  Chase says that he needs more paintings and that they need to be like the one that everyone liked, the one that Chloe didn’t actually paint.  A trip back to Lillian’s place leads to the discovery of the paintings of several women.  Chloe notices that the paintings are numbered and she deduces that all the women in the paintings have been murdered.

Chase doesn’t care.  He’s got paintings to sell and he want Chloe to sit down for an interview with a journalist named Ariadne (Kristi Murdock).  Chloe, however, is now more concerned with Luke (Ali Zahiri), who is Lillian’s son and who is quite a fan of her art.  Chloe knows that there’s a good chance that Luke might be the murderer but she’s also feeling attracted to him.

Uh-oh!

I enjoyed the Lifetime film, largely because it thoroughly embraced the melodrama in the way that the best Lifetime films often do.  I enjoyed the film’s satiric look at the art world and, even more importantly, Chloe’s outfits were all to die for.  From the minute she showed up with her thigh high boots and her portfolio of pretentious paintings, I knew Chloe was going to be a character to whom I could relate.  The solution to the film’s mystery didn’t really make much sense but …. eh.  I wasn’t expecting it to make any sense so it didn’t really matter.

This film was originally entitled Picture Her Dead, which personally I think was a better and more appropriate title than The Serial Killer Seduced Me.

 

Music Video of the Day: If Darkness Had A Son by Metallica (2023, directed by Timothy Saccenti)


Today’s music video of the day is the third single from Metallica’s 11th studio album (and the second Metallica album to be released by their own label), 72 Seasons.  This video finds the band performing in front of what appears to be a tank that is full of both water and flames.  This song marries the hard sound of Metallica with some of the most serious and introspective lyrics that James Hetfield has ever sung.  If darkness had a son, who would that son be?

Along with directing several other videos from 72 Seasons, Timothy Saccenti has worked with Korn, Phantogram, Franz Ferdinand, Depeche Mode, and the Animal Collective.

Enjoy!