Playing Catch-Up With The Films of 2017: The Dark Tower (dir by Nikolaj Arcel)

Posted on December 25, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What the Hell was The Dark Tower about, anyway?

It’s a legitimate question. I know that the film was technically a continuation of Stephen King’s overrated Dark Tower books. Matthew McConaughey was Walter, the Man in the Black, the man who is kidnapping psychic children so that he can weaponize their powers and destroy The Dark Tower. Idris Elba was Roland, the last of the gunslingers, who is obsessed with killing Walter because Walter killed his father. And Tom Taylor is Jake, an eleven year-old boy who lives in New York City and who keeps having visions of the Tower, Walter, and Roland. Walter wants Jake. Roland wants Walter. Jake wants to understand it all…

And that’s pretty much the entire movie. Jake switches back and forth between his world and Roland’s world. Walter occasionally pops up in New York so that he can kill Jake’s family and assure that Jake won’t have any reason not to continue traveling with Roland at the end of the movie. It all basically feels like the pilot for a television series and, to be honest, it probably wouldn’t be that bad of a show. For one thing, if The Dark Tower was a tv show, there would be more of an opportunity to develop the characters of Roland, Walter, and Tom. The Dark Tower movie only last 95 minutes and the majority of those minutes feel very rushed.

Obviously, if you’ve read Stephen King’s Dark Tower books, this film will be easier for you to follow than it will be for people who have never had to suffer through them. I know I’m in the minority as far as this is concerned but I find The Dark Tower series to be King at his most pretentious. Interestingly enough, a little bit of pretension probably would have helped the film version of The Dark Tower. As it is, The Dark Tower is almost too workmanlike and straight-forward. It could have really used a pointless Stephen King-style soliloquy about faith, innocence, and horror. At the very least, they could have had someone in the background, droning on about politics in a Maine accent.

I have to admit that I really, really, really wanted to like The Dark Tower. I love Idris Elba. I love Matthew McConaughey. Even more importantly, I love being a contrarian. Whenever a film gets as many negative reviews as The Dark Tower, my natural instinct is always to assume that it has to be a secret masterpiece. I mean, seriously, who trusts critics? I really wanted to watch The Dark Tower and then write a 1,000-word defense of it. I was hoping that, much like The Counselor, it would turn out to be a masterpiece that only I could recognize.

Sadly, that didn’t turn out to be the case. I will say that Matthew McConaughey seemed to be having a sincerely good time playing the bad guy. And Idris Elba had just the right mix of weariness and compassion to play Roland. But otherwise, the movie just felt so pointless.

Overall, this has been a pretty good year for Stephen King film adaptations. It deserves to be nominated for an Oscar, though it won’t be. Gerald’s Game made people thankful for Netflix. The Dark Tower, though, will be quickly forgotten.

Playing Catch-Up With The Films of 2017: Fist Fight (dir by Richie Keen)

Posted on December 25, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

While I wouldn’t begin to argue that it’s been a great year for movies, there were still some really good movies released in 2017.

Unfortunately, there were also some really bad ones.

Which do you think Fist Fight was?

If you answered really bad, congratulations!

Actually, I don’t think anyone was expecting Fist Fight to be a classic or anything like that. Basically, the film is about a conflict between two teachers, a conflict that seems destined to end with the event promised by the title. The two teachers are played by Ice Cube and Charlie Day. Of course, in the movie, they have different name but it doesn’t matter. Neither character has an identity outside of the actor who plays him. Charlie Day is nerdy and quick to yell. Ice Cube is tough and intimidating and not the type to back down from a fight.

Now, at the risk of losing all credibility, I’m going to be honest about something. When I first saw the trailer for Fist Fight, I thought it might not be as bad as it turned out to be. Charlie Day is hilarious on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. One of the more appealing things about Ice Cube is his willingness to poke fun at his tough guy image. More often than not, I tend to like movies about teachers acting like children because, when I was in school, I always suspected that was the way teachers actually behaved when they were safely in the teacher’s lounge. Charlie Day desperately running around the school, hyperventilating while Ice Cube pops up to remind him that they have a fist fight scheduled? Seriously, it sounded like it could be funny in a dumb way.

Well, I was wrong. Fist Fight is one of the most painfully unfunny films that I’ve ever seen. This is a movie that should have been focused on one thing: the fist fight at the end of the day. The entire movie should have been Charlie Day preparing for a fight that he knows he can’t possibly win. Instead, the movie kept getting distracted with unnecessary subplots. For instance, because it’s the last day before summer, all of the students are pulling pranks on their teachers. In fact, the entire student body is out-of-control. But who cares? We’re here to see Charlie Day try to throw a punch at Ice Cube. We don’t care about a bunch of obnoxious students pulling pranks that seem like they were directly lifted from a Crown International high school movie. If we want to see that, we can rewatch The Pom Pom Girls or Joy of Sex. And if we want to watch a teacher stand up to his students, we can watch Class of 1984.

The film is full of funny people but it never really takes advantage of them. Actors like Tracy Morgan, Kumail Nanjiani, and Christina Hendricks pop up but just as quickly disappear. Charlie Day does his best but the level of writing never rises to the level of It’s Sunny In Philadelphia. (I personally would love to see “The Gang Gets In A Fist Fight With Ice Cube.”) Compared to Fist Fight, even something like Horrible Bosses looks like nuanced and subversive humor. There’s a lot of screeching in Fist Fight but very little of it is funny.

Music Video of the Day: Santa Baby by Rachel Brown (2015, dir by ????)

Posted on December 24, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s really not the Christmas season if you don’t find an excuse to share a video of Santa Baby. This version features Rachel Brown singing the title tune, which was previously made famous by Eartha Kitt.

Personally, I like this song because it celebrates getting stuff. I’m all for that.

Enjoy!

Music Video of the Day: Last Christmas by Alcazar (2009, dir by ????)

Posted on December 23, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In all honesty, I prefer Taylor Swift’s version of Last Christmas. However, as I shared last weekend, Taylor Swift has never released an official video for Last Christmas.

However, Alcazar did! So, here you go.

Of course, Last Christmas was originally performed by Wham! Val shared their version last Christmas.

Enjoy!

Cleaning Out The DVR: Christmas In Mississippi (dir by Emily Moss Wilson)

Posted on December 22, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 193 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded My Christmas Prince off of Lifetime on December 9th!)

When I saw the title of this one, I immediately started thinking about William Faulkner. I thought about the tragic Compson family and the scandalous Snopes family and the complicated legacy of Colonel John Sartoris. I found myself wondering what Yoknapatawpha County looks like today and whether the town of Jefferson had changed much since Faulkner’s day.

Of course, Christmas In Mississippi is not based on a Faulkner short story, nor does it claim to be. Instead, it’s a thoroughly pleasant Lifetime holiday movie, a good-natured celebration of Christmas tradition and romance. Still, it’s rare that you ever seen any movie set in Mississippi, outside of the occasional Faulkner adaptation or stories that focus on Mississippi’s past. Much as with New Jersey, it sometimes seems like the only time you see or hear about Mississippi on television or in a movie is when it’s being set up as the punch line to a joke so I guess my point is that it’s nice to see a positive movie about Mississippi. Not only is this film set in Mississippi but it was actually filmed there, in the lovely city of Gulfport.

As for the movie itself, it deals with Holly Logan (Jana Kramer), a photographer who returns to her hometown of Gulfport for the holidays. Not only is she visiting her mother, Caroline (Faith Ford) but she’s also helping to set up the holiday light show, the first one to be held since Gulfport was hit by a destructive hurricane five years ago. (In real life, Gulfport was hit and seriously damaged by Hurricane Katrina.) The only real complication for Holly is that the festival is being supervised by Mike (Wes Brown), who broke her heart in high school. Even though Caroline insists that Mike has changed and matured since high school, Holly doesn’t want to risk getting hurt again. Fortunately, Mr. Kriss (Barry Bostwick) is working at the festival and he’s good at bringing people together. And yes, Mr. Kriss is playing Santa Claus. If you’re surprised by that, you’ve obviously never watched a holiday movie before. (That’s not a complaint. If you make a holiday movie where St. Nick isn’t the one bringing your couple together, you’re doing it wrong.)

Christmas In Mississippi is a nice little movie. Though the plot may not take you by surprise, Jana Kramer and Wes Brown make for a likable couple and the entire cast has a charming chemistry. You really do believe that they are all neighbors and they all did grow up next to each other. It’s a sweet movie. In the end, Holly does a good job with the light show and so does the movie. For that matter, so does the city of Gulfport, which looks great in Christmas in Mississippi.

Cleaning Out The DVR: My Christmas Prince (dir by Sam Irvin)

Posted on December 22, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

PRINCE CHARMING IS PRINCE CHEATING!

That’s an actual headline that is seen in My Christmas Prince. The prince in question is Prince Alexander Theodore William Hendricks (Callum Alexander), who is the next in line to take the throne in some little European country that’s definitely not the UK despite the fact that everyone there speaks with a British accent.

Everyone knows that Alexander as a prince, everyone but his girlfriend, Samantha (Alexis Knapp). She just thinks he’s a diplomat and technically, he is. It’s not so much that he lied to her about being royalty. It’s just that he didn’t tell her the whole truth. He wants to be judged based on who he is and not his royal heritage. Of course, by not telling Samantha that he’s a prince, he also hasn’t told her that he will eventually be expected to return home and rule his country. Samantha has plans of her own, which don’t involve being the Queen of a small European country that is definitely not the UK. She’s just been hired to design a summer school program for every school in the Bronx! The children need her!

(Personally, if I had the chance to be the ruler of a small country that pretty much only exists to support its royal family, I would say screw the children and catch the next flight to Monaco.)

Anyway, when Samantha decides to spend her Christmas with her family in Wyoming, Alexander decides to follow. And no sooner has Alexander stepped into the local diner then a waitress immediately recognizes him as the crown prince of whatever country it is that he is from. It turns out that she saw pictures of him online, attending a cocktail party with the royal family of Sweden.

(Of course, it wouldn’t be a Lifetime movie if the Internet didn’t somehow threaten to destroy everyone’s happiness.)

Anyway, it takes Samantha a few minutes to get used to the idea that her boyfriend is a royal prince. Of course, her parents are excited. The entire state of Wyoming is excited. But you know who isn’t excited? Alexander’s mother! Nope, she is scandalized at the thought of Alexander marrying a common American. She’d rather Alexander marry a baroness. Could this possibly lead to a bunch of misunderstandings and unlikely visitors coming to Wyoming?

What do you think?

Every Christmas, it seems like there’s at least a handful of Lifetime and/or Hallmark films that feature obscure European royalty falling in love in small town America. Once you’ve seen one of these movies, you’ve seen them all. There’s not a surprising moment to be found nor a disparaging word to be heard in My Christmas Prince, which is a mildly pleasant but eminently forgettable movie. To be honest, I don’t really demand too much from these movies but My Christmas Prince just didn’t work for me. For a predictable movie like this to work, there needs to be a real chemistry between the two leads but there really didn’t seem to be much of a spark between Knapp and Alexander. Much like the movie, they just seemed to be going through the motions.

I’ve often been asked which member of the Royal Family I relate to. Usually, I say Pippa Middleton but, to be honest, it’s the little girl in the picture below:

Music Video of the Day: Bad Santa by Supanova (2012, dir by Jim Lang)

Posted on December 22, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s music video of the day should not be confused with the Terry Zwigoff movie of the same name. If anything this Santa seems pretty fun, even if he does charge for an autograph.

Anyway, I don’t have much to say about this video, other than it’s a fun little video and perfect for the holiday season. It was directed by Jim Lang, who, according the imvdb, has been directing music videos since 2012.

Enjoy!

Music Video of the Day: Elmo & Patsy — Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (1984, dir by ????)

Posted on December 21, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s music video of the day is for that timeless “classic,” Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

I use the quotation marks because not everyone thinks that this song is a classic. Some people, like me, think the song gets kinda unbearable after you hear it six or seven times. I feel bad for people who work retail and who have to spend 8 hours listening to this. Hopefully, they’ll get paid extra for the pain and suffering…

That said, I have to admit that I’m strangely fascinated by this song. It’s generally considered to be a children’s song, though it’s actually rather dark. Grandma is apparently an old alcoholic who is beyond saving. After getting drunk and ruining Christmas Eve, she stumbles outside and nearly gets killed when she falls over. The song’s narrator is told that she was run over by a reindeer because none of the adult wants to confront the truth. Grandma’s got a problem.

At least, that’s the way I’ve always interpreted the lyrics. You may hear something else when you listen to this song. All I know is that, judging from this video, Grandpa is so used to his wife getting violently drunk that he doesn’t even notice anymore. He sleeps right through it.

It’s kinda sad.

Enjoy!

Cleaning Out The DVR: Snowed-Inn Christmas (dir by Gary Yates)

Posted on December 20, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 193 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded Snowed-Inn Christmas off of Lifetime on December 16th!)

Oh, Christmas movies on Lifetime!

Seriously, Lifetime totally changes during the Christmas season. For one month, everything that we normally associate with Lifetime disappears. Gone are all of the films about being stalked by my doctor or betrayed by my lover or deceived by my house guest. Suddenly, Eric Roberts is no longer plotting to kill Haylie Duff. No one’s daughter is getting abducted and sold into slavery. The houses remain grand and the clothes are still often to die for but, otherwise, Lifetime changes during Christmas. Suddenly, it’s safe to fall in love with that handsome stranger. The internet is no longer the root of all evil. Instead, it’s now become a place where a harried single mother can find a handsome single father and hire him to play Santa Claus at a department store. Lifetime changes for Christmas and we all love it.

Of course, there’s never anything surprising about Lifetime Christmas movies. They pretty much all follow the same plot and that’s one reason why we love them. The holidays can be stressful, especially when you can’t go on twitter without being implored to “take it to the streets.” Lifetime films (and Hallmark films) provide an escape from all that. They’re a trip into a much more innocent past.

Take Snowed-Inn Christmas for, example. That’s not a typo. While this film does deal with people being snowed in, it also largely takes place in an inn. The inn is located in Santa Claus, Indiana. It’s owned by Carol (Belinda Montgomery) and Chris (John B. Lowe). Yes, they both wear red. Yes, Chris has a white beard and an infectious laugh. Did you expect any less?

Evil developers want to tear down the inn. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from watching Christmas Lifetime films, it’s that land developers never have the holiday spirit. They always want to kick people out of their homes right before Christmas. They always want to build a ski resort or a luxury condo or something.

The only thing that can save the inn is if proof is found that the inn is a historical landmark. Fortunately, two online journalists, Jenna (Bethany Joy Lenz) and Kevin (Andrew Walker), are staying at the inn. Kevin is the type of guy who eats a slice of pizza for breakfast. Jenna uses an electric toothbrush. That’s really all of the character development that they get but that’s okay. Walker is handsome. Lenz is pretty. Both of them can deliver potentially silly lines with sincerity. They’re likable and that’s all a film like this really requires.

Anyway, at the start of the film, neither Jenna nor Kevin have the Christmas spirit. They’re not in love with each other, either. How much you want to bet that will change as they work to save the inn from being bulldozed? How much do you want to bet that their burgeoning relationship will be encourages by Carol and Chris, both of whom always have a twinkle in their eye regardless of how close their inn is to being destroyed.

Online, some critics have pointed out that Snowed-Inn Christmas is basically a remake of The Flight Before Christmas. That may be true but who cares? All of these Lifetime Christmas films are essentially remakes of each other. That’s why we love them. Snowed-Inn Christmas delivers exactly what it needs to deliver. It’s a silly but sweet little movie.

Music Video of the Day: D & M — Christmas Ain’t Christmas Without You (2011, dir by Miles Mueller)

Posted on December 20, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Since yesterday’s music video of the day brought visions of a holiday-themed zombie apocalypse, I decided to go a little bit more traditional for today’s music video of the day.

Please… enjoy the romance of the holidays.

Enjoy!