Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.14 “Parents From Space”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

This week on Monsters, peace-loving aliens crash land on Earth and meet some really unlikable people.  Hmmm …. didn’t we just do this last week?

Episode 1.14 “Parents From Space”

(Dir by Gerald Cotts, originally aired on February 11th, 1989)

Poor Cindy (Mary Griffin)!

Cindy is a sweet-natured and caring orphan who is treated like a slave by her cruel foster parents, Ward (Frank Gorshin) and June (Peggy Cass).  Ward and June don’t care about Cindy.  All they care about is the money that they make for taking care of her.  When the social worker visits, they pretend to be a sweet, old couple.  When the social worker leaves, they treat Cindy like a slave and refuses to even show a hint of compassion when Cindy’s beloved hamster is seriously injured.

Fortunately, there are two rat-like aliens in the basement.  Their spaceship crashed and their bodies cannot handle Earth’s atmosphere.  In order to find a way home, the rats temporarily switch minds with Ward and June.  In the rat bodies, Ward and June enter into a catatonic state.  In the human bodies, the two rats try to figure out how to survive and escape.

The two rats turn out to be a lot nicer than Ward and June and they even heal the hamster.  Cindy loves her foster rat parents but she’s disappointed when the two rats say that they are going to have to switch bodies again.  As they explain it, it is simply not ethical for them to leave Ward and June in the rat’s bodies, especially since the rat bodies can’t survive on Earth for too long.  Cindy responds by disintegrating the rat’s bodies (and, of course, the minds of Ward and June).  The rats remain in the human bodies.  When a social worker shows up to check in on the living situation, she discovers a very happy family but also a very messy house.  The rats may be in human bodies but they are still rats.

This is an incredibly simple story with a one-joke premise.  It’s a fun episode but it also feels a bit rushed due to the 20-minute runtime.  Ward and June are such terrible foster parents that there’s never really any doubt as to what Cindy is going to do.  I think a lot of people who grew up with abusive parents (foster or not) will definitely find a lot of wish-fulfillment in this episode.  Cindy has terrible parents but she gets to trade them in for a better set.

The best thing about this episode was definitely the rats themselves.  For a low-budget show, Monsters usually had effective creature effects.  Just check out these two:

Evil, they make look but they’re actually the nicest aliens this side of Glim-Glim.

This was a slight but likable episode.  Cindy got a nice family and the hamster lived.

Catching Up With The Films Of 2023: Gran Turismo: Based On A True Story (dir by Neill Blomkamp)


Having had a rough day, I decided that I needed to watch a crowd-pleaser tonight.

Gran Turismo: Based on a True Story is definitely that.  The film may have an unwieldy title and it might not really break any new ground as far as sports films are concerned but it’s still definitely a film that will leave viewers feeling satisfied.  It tells the story of Jann Mardenborough (Archie Madekwe), who gets a chance to turn his love for and skill at the Gran Turismo video game into a real life career when he is selected for GT Academy, a school in which the world’s best simulation drivers are trained to be real-life racers.  Though GT Academy may have started out as a PR stunt that was masterminded by executive Danny Moore (Orlando Bloom), both Jann and his trainer, Jack Salter (David Harbour), are determined to prove that the simulation drivers deserve to be taken seriously.

Gran Turismo hits all of the expected moments.  Jann’s father (Djimon Hounsou) is a former professional soccer player who worries that his son is going to waste his life pursuing an impossible dream.  Jann’s mother (played by my favorite Spice Girl, Geri Halliwell-Horner) worries that Jann is going to be one of the drivers who wrecks his car and doesn’t emerge from the remains.  Jann has a pretty and supportive girlfriend named Audrey (Maeve Courtier-Lilley).  Jann has a quirky love for the music of Kenny G and Enya.  Jann has to win everyone’s respect, including Jack’s.  Jann has to deal with arrogant rivals.  Jann has to conquer his own insecurities before he can win and Jack has to conquer his own past before he can truly help to lead Jann to victory.

And, of course, Jann is involved in a massive car wreck that causes him to lose his confidence right before the big race.  The wreck is actually based on something that truly did happen to Jann Mardenborough, though it occurred two years into his racing career as opposed to at the beginning of it.  Tragically, in both the movie and in real life, the crash resulted in the death of a spectator.  One can understand why the car crash was moved (because otherwise, Jann would have been too confident going into the big race and there wouldn’t be as much suspense as to whether or not he would be able to conquer his fears) while also feeling that it was a bit of a tacky thing to do.  The film reducing a real-life tragedy to a plot point feels all the more gauche when you consider that the filmmakers could have just made up some incident to cause Jann to lose his confidence.  I mean, we all know that “based on a true story” doesn’t actually mean that a film’s story is 100% (or even 10%) true.

If you can overlook that bit of narrative tackiness, Gran Turismo is a well-made and likable sports film.  Not a single moment really took me by surprise but, more often than not, I still found myself smiling whenever Jann proves the naysayers wrong and finished strong.  Director Neill Blokamp made a huge splash with his first film, 2009’s District 9, but, his subsequent films have struggled to recapture the energy and narrative verve of his debut.  Gran Turismo proves that Blokamp is still capable of directing a crowd-pleaser.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.24 “Dumb Luck/Tres Amigos/Hey, Jealous Lover”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The week, the crew is surprisingly incompetent.

Episode 3.24 “Dumb Luck/Tres Amigos/Hey, Jealous Lover”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on March 15th, 1980)

The members of the crew really disappointed me this week.

For instance, Gertrude (Jayne Meadows) and Milton Benson (James Gregory) are on the cruise.  Gertrude is friendly and tries to talk to everyone.  Whenever Milton sees any man talking to his wife, he flies into a jealous rage and threatens them.  The crew reacts to this not by telling Milton to calm down but instead, by hiding whenever they see Milton or Gertrude on the boat.  They’re terrified of Milton and yet, somehow, members of the crew keep ending up in the cabin with Gertrude.

Finally, at the end of the cruise, Milton shows up at the captain’s cabin and …. OH MY GOD, HE’S GOT A GUN!  Goper, Doc, Isaac, and Stubing all end up diving to the floor.  Milton explains that he acts jealous because he wants his wife to still feel as if she’s as desirable as the day they first met.  He also says that he’s giving the gun to Stubing as a gift to thank him for the enjoyable cruise.

Later, as she prepares to leave the ship, Gertrude tells Gopher and Isaac that she knows that Milton can be jealous so she specifically dresses as drably as possible so that he won’t have to worry about any other men hitting on her.  In the name of love, she tries to look ugly and he acts like a homicidal lunatic.  Well, whatever works for them!  They seemed to be happy together.  Still, it must be said that the crew could have handled the whole situation better.  Hiding in hallways and under desks is not what I expect from an experienced group of sailors.

Meanwhile, Julie’s friend, Carol Ketay (Shelley Hack), is on the cruise.  Carol is a nuclear physicist and a member of a think tank.  Julie is worried that men are intimidated by Carol being too smart.  Julie also mentions that she’s never had that problem.  Julie takes Carol aside and tell her that she needs to learn how to “talk dumb” if she wants to get a man.  After borrowing a dress from Julie, Carol goes out of her way to sound like an idiot and she immediately catches the attention of Chris (Kevin Tighe).  Chris and Carol have a great time on the ship but Carol is shocked to learn that Chris doesn’t want to date her on dry land because he thinks she’s too dumb.  Carol reveals that she’s actually a nuclear physicist and they leave the boat arm-in-arm.  Good for them!  Julie really gave terrible advice but then again, I think she just wanted her friend to get laid.  She wasn’t really that concerned with Carol getting a long-term relationship.

Finally, Vicki gets to do something this cruise.  She befriends Keith (Ronnie Scribner), the young son of Alice (Jennifer Darling) and Floyd Gaines (John Gabriel).  While exploring the ship, Vicki and Keith meet a young stowaway named Luis (Tony Ramirez).  Though Vicki is not enthused about hiding a stowaway from her father, she still takes a blood oath and promises to protect Luis.  (This would be ground for Vicki being fired if she was actually a paid member of the crew as opposed to just someone who pretends tp have a job.)  As for Keith, he steals $200 from his parents and gives it to Luis.  His parents freak out when they can’t find the money and they accuse the crew of robbing them!  (The crew can’t even handle a jealous husband.  How are they going to steal $200?)  While searching for the money, Gopher and Julie discover Luis.

So, I guess Luis is going into the juvenile justice system, right?  No, not on The Love Boat!  Keith’s parents allow Luis to have the money and Stubing and Vicki pay for Luis’s ticket so Luis is no longer a stowaway.  This storyline was okay.  All of the kids were natural actors so things never got overly cutesy.  That said, I can’t help that notice that a lot of people have stowed away on the ship over the years.  Captain Stubing might want to talk to his crew about that.

Next week …. an agent of Child Protective Services takes a cruise.  Look out, Vicki!

Song of the Day: White Rabbit (performed by Jefferson Airplane)


Since today is Grace Slick’s 85th birthday, today’s song of the day features her (and, to be fair, the rest of Jefferson Airplane) performing White Rabbit at the first Woodstock.

Grace Slick and Jefferson Airplane not only performed at Woodstock but they were also among the bands who attempted to perform at the Altamont Free Concert a few months later.  Needless to say, the vibe at Altamont — which featured the Rolling Stones as headliners and the Hell’s Angels providing security — was far more aggressive and hostile than the vibe at Woodstock.  While the Stones were performing, a member of the audience got into a fight with the Hell’s Angels, raised a gun, and was stabbed to death.

As seen in the documentary Gimme Shelter, even before the murder that ended the 60s, the Angels were aggressive, even knocking out Jefferson Airplane’s other singer, Marty Balin, in the middle of the band’s performance.  Also seen in that documentary is Grace Slick doing her best to calm the crowd and, along with Paul Kanter, rather fearlessly talking back to a drunk Hell’s Angel who tried to take over the stage.

(It should be noted that Grace did all of that even though she had forgotten to put in her contact lenses that day.  Me, I can’t even walk from one end of a room to another if I forget to put in my contacts.)

White Rabbit

(Lyrics by Grace Slick)

One pill makes you largerAnd one pill makes you smallAnd the ones that mother gives youDon’t do anything at allGo ask AliceWhen she’s ten feet tall
And if you go chasing rabbitsAnd you know you’re going to fallTell ’em a hookah-smoking caterpillarHas given you the callCall AliceWhen she was just small
When the men on the chessboardGet up and tell you where to goAnd you’ve just had some kind of mushroomAnd your mind is moving lowGo ask AliceI think she’ll know
When logic and proportionHave fallen sloppy deadAnd the White Knight is talking backwardsAnd the Red Queen’s off with her headRemember what the dormouse saidFeed your headFeed your head

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.8 “Balancing Act”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, we discover how it all began!

Episode 1.8 “Balancing Act”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on November 18th, 1995)

The eighth episode of Baywatch Nights opens with Ryan and Garner on a stakeout.  It’s the middle of the day and they’re waiting for someone carrying an envelope full of evidence.  Mitch is nowhere to be seen, which actually makes sense.  I mean, Mitch is still working as a lifeguard.  Over the past seven episodes, I’ve often wondered how Mitch can work full-time as both a detective and a lifeguard captain.  This episode finally acknowledges that Mitch actually does have another job.

Garner and Ryan start talking about the first that they met and how they came to be partners in a detective firm.  It’s flashback time!  The flashbacks are to the show’s previously unaired pilot.  What’s funny is that, even though Garner is the one who is telling the story, the flashbacks are all narrated by Mitch.  I know that Garner and Mitch were extremely close friends during the early seasons of Baywatch but I didn’t realize they could actually hear each other’s thoughts.

Flashback Mitch explains that both he and Garner were wondering if there was anything more to life than their jobs.  Garner wanted to be more than just a beach cop.  Mitch was wondering if maybe there was something more out there than just being a lifeguard.  One day, when Mitch on vacation from his lifeguarding job, Mitch decided to accompany Garner to investigate a mysterious boat that had been showing up around the marina.  It was during the investigation that Mitch and Garner first met Ryan.  Ryan had paid $25,000 for a private detective agency in California, just to discover that the agency was not the high class operation that the previous owner, Nicky Pine (Philip Bruns), claimed it was.  However, before Ryan could confront him, Nicky was apparently killed by a group of criminals who wanted a valuable bracelet that Nicky owned.  Except the bracelet, which he gave to Ryan, was actually a fake and Nicky wasn’t actually dead and….

Ugh, this is complicated.  Seriously. I hate to admit that I couldn’t follow the plot of an episode of Baywatch Nights but this plot had so many nonsensical twists and turns that I pretty much gave up on trying to make sense of it all.  The important thing is that Garner got fed up with the police and quit, Mitch realized that he wanted to be a private eye, and Ryan got to be totally awesome as usual.  At one point, Ryan explained to Mitch that she was tough because she was from Dallas.  Woo hoo!  You tell him, Ryan!

Because this was a pilot, there were a few examples of early installment weirdness.  Troy Evans showed up as a police detective and one got the feeling that he was originally envisioned as being a recurring character.  Lisa Stahl’s Destiny was nowhere to be seen but there was a character named Andy (Linda Hoffman) was acted quite similarly to Destiny.  Even Nicky and his girlfriend, Rose (Jeanette O’Connor), seemed to be set up to become semi-regular characters.  Obviously, there was some retooling done after this pilot was produced.

Anyway, this episode’s plot is impossible to follow but the California scenery is lovely, which I think is the most that anyone could realistically demand from any show from the Baywatch universe.  Having now watched the pilot, I’m glad that the show went forward with just Mitch, Garner, and Ryan as regulars.  They’re a good team.

Catching Up With The Films Of 2023: May December (dir by Todd Haynes)


What comes after a life of tabloid infamy?

That’s one of the many questions posed by Todd Haynes’s latest film, May December.

Elizabeth Berry (Natalie Portman) is an actress who comes to Savannah, Georgia in order to research her next role.  We don’t learn much about Elizabeth’s career as an actress but it appears that, while it has brought her a certain amount of fame, it hasn’t exactly been full of acclaimed work.  One person mentions seeing a picture from a film that she did in which she was involved in a blood sacrifice.  (“I googled ‘naked Elizabeth Berry,'” he explains.)  Several other people mention how much they love her TV show, Norah’s Ark, in which Elizabeth plays a veterinarian.  Elizabeth’s latest film features her playing a real person, someone who was at the center of a scandal 20 years previously and who has since faded from the public view.  Elizabeth seems to believe that this role could redefine her career.

(Hey, it worked for Margot Robbie in I, Tonya.)

Elizabeth is going to play Gracie Atherton-Woo in an upcoming indie film.  Way back in 1992, the real-life Gracie (Julianne Moore) was 36 years old and married when she was caught having sex with a 13 year-old named Joe in the back of a pet store.  Joe was a classmate of Gracie’s son and Gracie was the one who was responsible for him getting hired at the pet store in the first place.  Gracie was sent to prison, where she gave birth to Joe’s daughter.  During her trial, Gracie and Joe were both tabloid mainstays.  The nation was transfixed by their affair before eventually moving on to the next scandal.  When Gracie was eventually released from prison, she married Joe.  Now, decades after appearing on the front of every trashy magazine, Gracie and Joe (Charles Melton) are still married and they now have three children.  They live in a big house in Savannah, Gracie has a career as a pastry maker, and, from the outside, they would appear to have a perfect domestic life together.

Wearily, Gracie and Joe allow Elizabeth to spend time with the family so that she can research her role.  Elizabeth interviews other people who were effected by Gracie’s actions.  Gracie’s ex-husband (D.W. Moffett) is surprisingly forgiving.  Gracie’s children are considerably less forgiving.  Georgie (Cory Michael Smith), who was Gracie’s son from her first marriage and a schoolmate of Joe’s, is bitter and describes his mother as being mentally unbalanced while, at the same time, trying to leverage his knowledge of Gracie’s past into a job on the film.  As for Gracie and Joe’s first daughter (Piper Churda), she states that she doesn’t want the film to be made.

Cracks start to appear in the perfect image that Gracie and Joe present to the world.  Gracie can be rigid and controlling while insisting that Joe was the one who initiated the encounter in the pet store.  Gracie talks about growing up with four brothers, two of whom were older and two were younger.  Gracie mentions that one of her brothers is an admiral and it’s implied that she grew up in an atmosphere where failure was not an option.  Gracie’s daughter talks about how, when she graduated, her mother gave her a scale as a graduation gift.  When someone cancels an order for a cake, Gracie takes it as a personal rejection and breaks down into tears.  Gracie is friendly towards Elizabeth but never totally lets down her guard.

As for Joe, he emerges as well-meaning but confused, someone who is still often treated like a child by bother his wife and, eventually, the woman who is studying his wife.  Whenever we see Joe with any other adults, he’s awkward as if he’s not sure how to behave.  (When he tells his elderly father that he can hardly believe that all of his children will soon be in college, the old man’s silence tells us everything that we need to know about their relationship.)  Joe is nearly forty but it’s clear that a good deal of his emotional development stopped when he was thirteen, leaving him desperate for approval.  When he catches his teenage son smoking a joint, Joe isn’t angry as much as he’s curious.  Smoking weed is one of the many things that Joe never did when he was younger.  When Joe get high, he becomes a paranoid and emotional mess as all the feelings that he’s repressed for 23 years come spilling out.  At the same time, when Gracie has a breakdown, Joe knows exactly what to say to help her through it.

Do Gracie and Joe truly love each other or is their marriage just their way of denying the reality of what happened?  Did Gracie groom Joe or, as Gracie insists, was their affair consensual?  At first, the audience’s natural tendency is to sympathize with Elizabeth and to expect her to play some sort of role in clarifying what actually happened in that pet store.  But Elizabeth soon proves herself to be a rather detached observer, a mimic who copies the emotions of others but who, even after she gets to know Gracie and Joe as human beings, still views them as just being characters in a story.  In the end, Elizabeth can’t help us understand what happened in the pet shop because, the film suggests, not even the people who were actually there understand what happened.  All Elizabeth can do, as an actress and an observer, is try to recreate what she imagines happened.

It’s a well-made film, with Haynes deftly mixing scenes of high drama with the awkward comedy of people trying to rationally discuss the irrational.  It can also be a frustrating viewing experience, if just because Haynes often does not seem to be sure what he’s trying to say about the characters or why we should even care about either Gracie or Elizabeth.  Fortunately, the film is lucky enough to have a wonderful cast.  While Moore and Melton gets the big, dramatic scene, it’s Portman who takes the audience by surprise, giving a performance that goes from being likable to being rather chilling as Elizabeth transforms herself more and more into Gracie.  For all the film’s themes about conformity, morality, and tabloid culture, it’s main message may very well be to never trust a method actor.

May December sticks with you, even if it’s not up to the level of Haynes’s Carol.  It’s a film about what happens after the infamy, with Gracie, Joe, and Elizabeth destined to be forever defined by what happened over the course of a few minutes in the backroom of a pet store.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.7 “The Invisible Woman/The Snowbird”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 4.7 “The Invisible Woman/The Snowbird”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 6th, 1980)

This week’s trip to Fantasy Island is all about entertainers.

For instance, Ned Pringle (Douglas Barr) is not an entertainer but he wishes that he could be.  Instead, the handsome and athletic Ned is a popcorn salesman who works for a traveling circus.  He has a crush on a trapeze artist named Velda Ferrini (Pamela Sue Martin) but he feels that he won’t ever be able to talk her unless he too can become a trapeze-artist.

Mr. Roarke grants him his fantasy.  He hands Ned a magic pouch and has him climb up a magic ladder.  When Ned reaches the platform at the top, he suddenly discovers that he is now standing high above the ground.  Below him, the entire circus is waiting for him to audition.  Fortunately, as long as Ned has the pouch, there is nothing he can’t do.  He’s the world’s greatest acrobat and he is, of course, hired by the circus’s owner, Mr. Ferrini (Don Ameche).  Ferrini is the father of Velda and when he hires Ned, he does so under the condition that Ned not try to date his daughter.  Good luck with that, Ferrini!

Meanwhile, Velda’s older brother, Mario Ferrini (George Maharis), takes an interest in Ned’s career and he even starts to pressure Ned to attempt the same super dangerous quadruple summersault that led to Mario injuring his leg and having to drop out of the act.  Ned, however, realizes that Mario needs to do the summersault himself so that he can get back his confidence.  After a conversation with Mr. Roarke (who shows up swinging on the trapeze and wearing a white bodysuit!), Ned allows Mario to have the pouch.  Mario finally pulls off the quadruple summersault and he returns to the act.  Meanwhile, Ned realizes that he doesn’t have to be an acrobat to be worthy of Velda’s love and he instead becomes the circus’s new manager.

And good for all of them!  Ameche, Martin, Maharis, and Barr were all extremely likable in this story, though you do have to wonder what Maharis is going to do if he ever loses the magic pouch.  That said, the true stars of the story were the stunt crew.  It was pretty easy to spot everyone’s stunt double, which added to the fun of the story.  Ricardo Montalban’s stunt double, for instance, appeared to be about 20 years younger than him and blonde.

The episode’s other story deals with a veteran entertainer named Denny Palumbo (Dick Gautier).  Denny became a star doing a corny song-and-dance act with his wife, Trish (Neile Adams).  However, Denny and Trish got a divorce and their act broke up.  Denny is now engaged to Harriet (Elaine Joyce) and he is putting together a new act with two new dancers.  Trish’s fantasy is to become invisible so that she can make sure that Denny isn’t cheating on her.

“Boss!” Tattoo says, “Can you do that!?”

“It remains to be seen,” Roarke replies.

(Oh hey, I just got that!)

Just as Roarke gave Ned a magic pouch, he gives Harriet a magic potion that grants temporary invisibility.  When Harriet turns invisible, her clothes can still be seen and appear to be floating in mid-air.  This leads to her (in her invisible state) undressing in front of Tattoo and Roarke.  Tattoo’s eyes get especially wide as everything from Harriet’s dress to her underwear hits the floor.  In fact, Tattoo gets so distracted that Roarke snaps, “Tattoo!”

(Later, Tattoo deduces that Roarke can still see Harriet, even after she’s taken the potion and removed her clothes.  “Boss!” Tattoo gaps.  I’m a bit shocked, myself.  Mr. Roarke has always been such a gentleman in the past that I find it hard to believe that he would not have stepped out of the room or, at the very least, turned his back while Harriet undressed.)

Being invisible allows Harriet to spy on Denny.  It turns out that Denny is not cheating on her but invisible Harriet still deliberately ruins his rehearsal and causes the new dancers to quit.  Needing a partner, Denny turns to Trish, which upsets Harriet even though Harriet was the one who was secretly responsible for inspiring the other two dancers to quit in the first place.  Eventually, Harriet realizes that Denny and Trish are meant to be together but that’s okay because she also realizes that she’s meant to be with Denny’s manager, Monty (Sonny Bono, who apparently spent the early 80s living off whatever money he made from appearing on shows like The Love Boat and Fantasy Island).

This story suffered from the fact that all of Harriet’s problems could have been solved by Harriet not acting like an idiot.  As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, I am not a fan of the idiot plot.  Sonny Bono was likable as Monty but Denny and Harriet were so broadly drawn and performed that I mostly just wanted to Monty to totally get away from both of them.

This week’s trip to Fantasy Island was just silly.

Catching Up With The Films of 2023: After Everything (dir by Castille Landon)


The saga of the world’s most boring and tedious couple finally comes to an end in After Everything.

When last we checked in on Tessa Young (Josephine Langford) and Hardin Scott (Hero Fiennes Tiffin), they were probably both wondering how they ended up with the type of names that most people would expect to find attached to fake profiles on a dating app.  Tessa had also just left Hardin, upset that he used the details of their relationship to write his first novel, After.

After Everything opens with best-selling, voice-of-his-whiny-generation Hardin being pressured to come up with a follow-up novel but he has writer’s block because Tessa won’t even return his texts.  As he explains it, he’s lost his muse and he can’t write anything without her.  (Maybe he should send her some of the money that he made off of her life story then.)  Despondent, Hardin starts drinking again.  This would be a big plot point if not for the fact that, in every After film, the alcoholic Hardin starts drinking again.  Hardin has gotten sober and given up his sobriety so many times that, at this point, it’s more about being indecisive than anything else.  Either be a drunk or don’t be a drunk but make up your freaking mind.

Hardin does what any struggling writer would do when confronted with writer’s block.  He goes to Portugal and reunites with a woman whose life he ruined.  Natalie (Mimi Keene) had a scholarship and a promising future until Hardin filmed himself having sex with her in order to win a bet.  When Hardin’s friends made the film public, Natalie was humiliated, she lost her scholarship, and she spent years mired in depression before she escaped to Portugal.  In a plot twist that is not only dumb but also rather offensive, she’s surprisingly forgiving of Hardin when he shows up in Lisbon.  Sure, he took her virginity to win a bet and sent a video to all of his friends without her consent but hey, Hardin’s had a rough life as the privileged child of two wealthy people who give him everything that he wants.  Natalie’s life may have been ruined, the film tells us, but Hardin has recently spent a few weeks feeling bad about it so they’re even.  Natalie introduces him to all of her friends.  (It doesn’t take long because Natalie only has two.)  Everyone is really impressed to discover that Hardin wrote After.

“I hear they’re making a movie!” one friend says.

“Harry Styles should play you!” the other friend shouts, a reference to the fact that the whole damned After franchise started as Harry Styles fan fiction.

(It’s a moment so awkwardly executed and so self-congratulatory that it reminded me of the moment in the second film when the author of the original book made a cameo appearance.  “What do you write?” she was asked.  “Oh,” she replied, smirking directly at the camera, “this and that.”  I threw a shoe at my TV but, fortunately, I have terrible aim.)

If Natalie forgiving Hardin isn’t bad enough, Hardin also decides to write a book about the time that he ruined her life, a book that he cleverly entitles Before.  You really do have to wonder if Hardin has ever met anyone that he didn’t end up exploiting in some terrible way.  Having learned his lesson with Tessa, Hardin allows Natalie to read the book before sending it off to the publisher.  Natalie happily gives her consent for it to be published because what girl wouldn’t want the guy who sexually humiliated her to use the memories of that humiliation as a way to make money for himself?

As you may have noticed, Tessa is not present for the majority of After Everything, though she does appear in several flashbacks to the earlier films.  She shows up briefly at the beginning and then the end of the film and there’s a point about halfway through the film where she wakes up and discovers that Hardin has sent her a weepy text.  When Hardin gives his best man speech at his half-brother’s wedding reception and, as usual, makes it all about himself, there’s a shot of Tessa looking moved.  But, for the most part, this installment is all about Hardin thinking about the past and saying stuff like, “I’m trying to be a better person.”  Of course, we do still get the franchise’s signature overheated but discreetly-shot sex scenes, though one of them is just Hardin having a dream about a flight attendant while most of the rest are just flashbacks.

(This film has so many flashbacks to the previous films that it’s hard not to notice that the franchise’s makeup artists could never quite remember the exact locations of all of Hardin’s tattoos.)

Unfortunately, Hero Fiennes Tiffin’s bland performance as Hardin has always been one of After’s biggest problems so basing an entire movie around his petulant screen presence was perhaps not the best way to go.  We are continually told that Hardin Scott is the most exciting writer in the world but there’s nothing about Tiffin’s performance that suggests that Hardin can even think in complete sentences, let alone write them down.  Hardin spends a lot of time whining and a lot of time drinking and there comes a point where you just want someone to say, “You’re a twenty-something alcoholic who is still bitching about stuff that most people get over when they’re 16.  Grow up.”  Unfortunately, no one does say that.  However, about 52 minutes into the film, Hardin totally gets his ass kicked by some beach bullies.  That was emotionally satisfying to watch.

In the end, Hardin and Tessa are reunited.  After five movies, Josephine Langford and Hero Fiennes Tiffin still do not have a shred of romantic chemistry.  It’s nice that Hardin and Tessa worked everything out but I would still dread getting stuck in a conversation with either one of them.

Apparently, this is the last of the After films and that’s probably for the best.  At this point, I think the only place left to go would be After Life, with Tessa and Hardin boring everyone in Purgatory with their story about how they first bonded over their shared love of an obscure novel called The Great Gatsby.  Writing this review, I was shocked to discover that this franchise is only 4 years old.  Seriously, I thought had been suffering for at least ten years because of these two.

Other After Films:

  1. After
  2. After We Collided
  3. After We Fell
  4. After Ever Happy

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.16 “Rites of Passage”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Pam Grier and John Turturro show up in Miami!

Episode 1.16 “Rites of Passage”

(Dir by David Anspaugh, originally aired on February 8th, 1985)

This week’s episode of Miami Vice opens with a 5-minute mini-movie.  Before we even get to the opening credits, we have watched as young and innocent Diane Gordon (Terry Ferman) arrives in Miami from New York, takes her first walk on a Florida beach, has a “chance” meeting with a smooth-talking guy named Lile (David Thornton), and ends up at a party being held at a mansion belonging to David Traynor (a young John Turturro).  Traynor tells Diane that he runs a modeling agency and that he would love to put her under contract.

It’s a stylish and rather brave opening.  For five minutes, we don’t see or even hear about any of the regular characters.  Instead, we’re introduced to world where image is everything, from the bodies on the beach to Traynor’s art deco mansion to the beautiful women who have been paid for by considerably less attractive men.  In those five minutes, Diane wins our sympathy and we also see how she (and so many others) have fallen into the trap set by the David Traynors of the world.  For those five minutes, we are reminded that this is a show about more than Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs.  It’s about more than even Miami.  This is a show about America.

After the opening credits, we watch as the police retrieve the body of one of Traynor’s girls from a lagoon.  She committed suicide.  In the crowd watching is Diane’s sister, Valerie (played by the legendary Pam Grier).  Valerie is a New York cop.  When she goes to the Vice Squad to ask for Castillio’s help in searching for her sister, we learn that she is also Tubbs’s former (and soon current) lover.

In many ways, the rest of this episode is traditional Miami Vice.  Zito and Switek provide some comic relief when they disguise themselves as exterminators and invade one of Traynor’s parties.  Crockett and Tubbs once again go undercover as Burnett and Cooper, infiltrating Traynor’s mansion so that they can rescue Diane.  Diane has been so brainwashed by Traynor and Lile that, even after she’s been reunited with her sister, she still can’t bring herself to admit that Traynor was using her.  She calls Traynor and tells him that she’s decided to go back to New York City.  In a montage that is rather creepily scored to Foreigner’s I Want To Know What Love Is, scenes of Valerie and Tubbs making love are mixed with scenes of Lile giving Diane an intentional drug overdose.

Technically, this is a Tubbs episode.  For once, of the two main detectives, Tubbs is the one who has a personal reason for wanting to take Traynor down while it falls to Crockett to deal with Castillo’s withering stare of concern.  That said, Rites of Passage is Pam Grier’s show all the way.  From the minute that Grier shows up, she controls every scene in which she appears.  Just as in Coffy, Grier plays an avenging angel.  This episode ends, as Miami Vice often did, with a shoot out but this time, it’s Grier who guns down Lile and Traynor.  “Read me my rights,” Valerie says to Crockett as the episode ends.

Again, the storyline may have been typical Vice but the performance of Pam Grier and the stylish direction of David Anspaugh elevated the episode.  This episode presents Miami as being beautiful but heartless, a place where innocents come to pursue the American dream but instead find themselves being used and abused by sleazy but wealthy men.  (At one point, it is mentioned that Traynor specializes in finding women for diplomats, meaning that most of his clients have diplomatic immunity.)  Traynor’s mansion is a brilliant combination of the sleek and the tacky and Turturro plays Traynor as being a not particularly clever man who has gotten rich because he understands that everyone ultimately driven by the same desire for power and pleasure without consequences.

Next week …. it’s another Tubbs episode!  Can Tubbs defuse a hostage situation, despite not having an ex-lover around to help him?  We’ll find out!

The Eric Roberts Collection: Top Gunner: America vs Russia (dir by Christopher Ray)


The latest addition to the quasi-franchise that started with 2020’s Top Gunner, 2023’s Top Gunner: America vs Russia takes place in the near future.

Russia’s war with Ukraine has led to a stalemate.  When the United States starts to take a more active role in defending Ukraine and arming the dissidents in Russia, it leads to a coup in Russia.  President Vasiliev (Alex Veadow) wants to bring about a new era of peace but, when he’s assassinated, the new president of Russia, the evil Borovsk (Pavel Kuzin), accuses the United States of being behind the murder and declares war on the U.S.A.  Soon, Russian jets are invading the airspace of Washington D.C. and blowing up the Washington Monument.  (The White House gets hit by a bomb as well but, fortunately, it’s not a very impressive bomb.)  Borovsk is such a fanatic that he is even prepared to launch his country’s nuclear arsenal against America.  Such an action would, of course, lead to the end of the world.

Fortunately, America is not just going to roll over and accept defeat.  (Or, at least, it’s not going to accept defeat in the movies.  In the real world, it seems to be a different story.)  America has fighter pilots, like Footloose (Andrew Rogers) and Firefly (Kayla Fields), who are dedicated to defending the nation.  America has a super-secret new jet than can even fly into deep space so it can fire missiles at a Russian satellite.  America has got CIA operatives like Veronica Vachs (Simone Posey) operating in Moscow.  America has got a Vice President (Gary Poux) who believes in the country’s destiny.  And, perhaps most importantly of all, America has got Eric Roberts.

Eric Roberts also appeared in the first Top Gunner, though he was playing a different character in that film.  In Top Gunner, Eric Roberts was a flight instructor.  In Top Gunner: America vs Russia, Eric Roberts is …. PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

As President Jeremiah Stewart, Eric Roberts gives orders and refuses to be pushed around and always puts America first.  When he hears that Washington D.C. might soon be attacked, he doesn’t show a hint of fear.  He doesn’t run off to a bunker.  He doesn’t whine about not being popular.  He doesn’t desert America’s allies.  Seriously, he’s one of the best president that I’ve ever seen and I would certainly vote for Jeremiah Stewart in 2024 before I even considered casting a ballot for any of the other jokers that are running.  Just by casting Eric Roberts as the President, Top Gunner: America vs Russia wins the war.  When Roberts says that he doesn’t care what the official protocol is, you believe him.  I bet when he’s not fighting the Russians, President Stewart is working to repeal the 16th Amendment.  (That’s the one about income tax.)  Seriously, I want to see this guy on Mt. Rushmore.

Anyway, this is a typical Asylum film.  The special effects are cheap but it seems like everyone had fun working on the film and it’s hard not get swept up in the silliness of it all.  I mean, at one point, a fighter plane literally flies into space without a bit of concern for stuff like oxygen or heat shields or anything else.  It’s so shamelessly absurd that it feels rather churlish to nitpick.  Most importantly, it’s a movie about how America kicks ass and, in these troubled times, who can’t appreciate that?  I mean, how could we not kick ass with Eric Roberts leading us?

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Blood Red (1989)
  3. The Ambulance (1990)
  4. The Lost Capone (1990)
  5. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  6. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  7. Sensation (1994)
  8. Dark Angel (1996)
  9. Doctor Who (1996)
  10. Most Wanted (1997)
  11. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  12. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  13. Hey You (2006)
  14. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  15. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  16. The Expendables (2010) 
  17. Sharktopus (2010)
  18. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  19. Deadline (2012)
  20. The Mark (2012)
  21. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  22. Lovelace (2013)
  23. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  24. Self-Storage (2013)
  25. This Is Our Time (2013)
  26. Inherent Vice (2014)
  27. Road to the Open (2014)
  28. Rumors of War (2014)
  29. Amityville Death House (2015)
  30. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  31. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  32. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  33. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  34. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  35. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  36. Dark Image (2017)
  37. Black Wake (2018)
  38. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  39. Clinton Island (2019)
  40. Monster Island (2019)
  41. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  42. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  43. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  44. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  45. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  46. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  47. Top Gunner (2020)
  48. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  49. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  50. Killer Advice (2021)
  51. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  52. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  53. Bleach (2022)
  54. My Dinner With Eric (2022)