Ovidio G. Assonitis – Through the Shattered Lens

First released in 1982, Piranha II takes place at a Caribbean resort. It’s a great vacation spot. There’s a beautiful beach. There are lots of boats. The locals are friendly and eager to take your money. Chief Steve Kimbrough (Lance Henriksen) does his best to maintain law and order and keep the tourists safe. There’s a shipwreck nearby, and Steve’s estranged wife, Anne (Tricia O’Neill), leads regular underwater tours. Just watching the first few minutes of Piranha II, I was totally prepared to book a vacation, despite the fact that those Trivago commercials have left me somewhat fearful of the whole resort experience. (“You didn’t use Trivago.” And how is that any of your business?)

Then the piranhas arrived.

Yes, the water is soon full of piranhas, the sharp-toothed fish that look scary in 3D and that destroyed an entire resort in the first Piranha film. However, these new piranhas are even worse than the ones that came before them. These piranhas can fly! Someone has been performing gene-splitting experiments and now, as a result, the piranhas not only have sharp teeth—they have wings! And they can even survive inside the bodies of their victims. (One poor morgue attendant discovers this to her own grave misfortune.) Why would anyone put wings on a piranha? I mean, seriously, who thought that was a good idea? Is that what my parents’ tax dollars were going to during the Carter years? Putting wings on piranhas?

Soon, both the water and the air are full of blood. Can Captain Kimbrough save some lives? Even more importantly, can he save the lives of his family? This is one of those movies where we’re really not supposed to care about anyone other than the main characters. A lot of people die, but what matters is whether or not they’re a Kimbrough.

This film, which is not particularly good, is infamous for being the first film on which James Cameron was credited as director. Cameron himself has said that he had little to do with the content of the film and therefore considers The Terminator to be his first real film. According to Cameron, he had nothing to do with editing the film and the majority of the scenes were directed by the film’s producer, Ovidio G. Assonitis. Cameron requested that his name be removed from the film’s credits, but the production company declined to do so because they were contractually obligated to have an American director. Now, how much of this is true and how much of it’s Cameron not wanting to be associated with something as bad as Piranha II is anyone’s guess. I will say that, watching the film, I saw absolutely nothing that would make me say, “Hey, I bet James Cameron directed this!” The only real thing that this film had in common with Cameron’s other early films was the presence of Lance Henriksen. (Tricia O’Neill did go on to have a small role in Titanic.)

Henriksen is the best thing about Piranha II. No matter how ludicrous the story or bad the special effects, Henriksen keeps a straight face and takes the film seriously. There’s a fairly nonsensical moment where Henriksen jumps out of a helicopter to rescue someone, despite the fact that this causes the unpiloted helicopter to then crash and explode, leaving everyone stranded in the ocean. Somehow, Henriksen sells the moment and makes ditching a helicopter seem like the most natural, common-sense thing in the world. That takes skill. That’s the sign of a good actor, and one can see why Cameron continued to work with him even after Piranha II.

Okay, tell me if this sounds familiar.

There’s a beachside resort town, one whose survival is pretty much dependent upon tourists and big business. If you give the tourists a reason to not show up, the town dies. If you give big business a reason to build their factories and their underground tunnels somewhere else, the town dies.

Unfortunately, something bad is happening in this little town. People are going in the water and they’re never returning. It appears that they’re being killed by some sort of giant sea monster, even though the authorities swear that it’s simply impossible. The town’s leaders are putting pressure on the sheriff to cover up the crimes. A scientist shows up and thinks that everyone he meets is an idiot.

It’s not safe to go in the water but people keep doing it!

Now, you may be thinking that it sounds like I’m describing the plot of Jaws but actually, I’m talking about an Italian film called Tentacles. Released in 1977, Tentacles was one of the many films that was directly inspired by the success of Spielberg’s film. Jaws was such a phenomenal success that it was ripped off by filmmakers across the world. That said, of all the people ripping off Spielberg’s film, the Italians brought an undeniable and frequently shameless flair to the Jaws knockoffs.

Tentacles is a bit different from other Italian Jaws films in that, this time, the threat does not come from a shark. Instead, it comes from a giant octopus! That’s actually a pretty good twist because, in real life, an octopus is actually more dangerous than a shark. Not only are they bigger and considerably smarter than most sharks but if they get enough of their eight arms around you, they can literally squeeze you to death! I mean …. agck! Say what you will about sharks, I imagine getting eaten by one would suck but at least it wouldn’t take long to die. Whereas if an octopus gets you, you would actually be aware of it squeezing you to death and oh my God, I’m never getting in the water.

Anyway, in Tentacles, the octopus is snatching babies off of piers and sailors off of boats and it’s using its octopus powers to rip their skin from their bones. It also attack scuba divers by firing ink at them. The sheriff (Claude Akins) says that it’s nothing to worry about but Ned Turner (John Huston), a hard-boiled reporter, thinks that there’s a story here. Ned’s in town visiting his sister (Shelley Winters). She has a ten year-old son who enjoys sailing. Uh-oh….

Henry Fonda shows up for a few very brief scenes, playing the head of a company that built the underwater tunnel that somehow mutated the octopus. Fonda looks incredibly frail in his scenes (and apparently, he filmed his part while recovering from heart surgery) but his performance in Tentacles still isn’t as cringe-inducing as his performance in The Swarm.

Also showing up is a marine biologist named Will Gleason (Bo Hokpkins). Fortunately, Gleason owns two killer whales so, after the octopus kills his wife, Gleason sends out the orcas to track it down. Before doing so, he gives them a pep talk. Apparently, killer whales respond to positive reinforcement.

Tentacles is unique in that it’s an Italian production that managed to rope in a few well-known American actors. It’s an odd film to watch because, on the one hand, the film is full of risible dialogue and it’s painfully slow whenever the octopus isn’t attacking anyone and no one really seems to be that invested in any of their characters. (When the octopus kills a baby, the actress playing the baby’s mother underacts to such an extent that the scene becomes almost surreal.) This isn’t like Jaws, where you actually care about Brody, Quint, Hooper, and the Kintner boy. On the other hand, the octopus itself is actually kind of frightening so, on that very basic level, the film works.

In the end, Tentacles is one of the lesser Jaws rip-offs but you’ll never forget that octopus.