Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.22 “Abby’s Maiden Voyage/He Ain’t Heavy/I Like To Be In America”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love, life’s sweetest reward….

Episode 6.22 “Abby’s Maiden Voyage/He Ain’t Heavy/I Like To Be In America”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on February 26th, 1983)

When Abby (Mary Beth McDonough) boards the boat, her best friend (Constance Forslund) informs Julie that this cruise will be Abby’s “first time.”  She may be setting sail a virgin but she won’t be returning one.  Julie is too coked up to care.  Abby meets Neil (Brodie Greer), who is handsome and nice but, whenever they start to fool around, Abby starts laughing and the mood is killed.  At the end of the voyage, Abby is still a virgin but she and Neil are now a couple.

Spoiled high school grad Jimmy (Michael J. Fox) boards the boat with his adoptive parents (Don Porter and Barbara Billingsley) and almost immediately makes an enemy out of a waiter named Greg (Gregg Henry).  We’ve never actually seen Greg on the show before but Isaac acts as if Greg has been working on the boat forever.  Jimmy later realizes that Greg is his older brother, the one who he hasn’t seen since their parents died and Jimmy was adopted.  At first, Greg refuses to accept that Jimmy is his brother but, by the end of the cruise, they embrace.  Awww!  Actually, considering that Gregg Henry and Michael J. Fox look absolutely nothing alike, I can understand why Greg had his doubts.  That said, if he’s been on the boat for as long as this episode implies, Greg has surely seen another long-lost siblings just happen to find each during a cruise.  It happens at least once every season.

Speaking of once every season, it’s time for April Lopez (Charo) to take her annual voyage.  Though April is returning to Mexico, she wants to become an American citizen.  Good for her!  America rocks!  Unfortunately, she struggles with the oral exam.  Judge Kramer (Esther Rolle) realizes that April will be able to remember the answers if she sings them so she gives April the examination while April is performing in the Acapulco Lounge.  The audience loves it because who doesn’t love paying money for an expensive cruise just so you can spend the final night watching someone take a citizenship exam.

(For the record, in high school, I tutored one student who was about to take his exam because he was like really hot but he couldn’t remember how many years were in a Congressional term.  I taught him to think of it as 2-4-6.  Two for the House.  4 for the President.  6 for the Senate.  He became a citizen and sent me flowers and then he moved to Idaho.)

This week’s cruise was a bit bland but I’m glad April became a citizen of the greatest country in the world.

Casualties of War (1989, directed by Brian DePalma)


Private Max Eriksson (Michael J. Fox) is a new arrival in Vietnam, a young infantryman who is called a “cherry” by his fellow soldiers.  No one wants to get close to Eriksson because everyone knows that it’s the new guy who is most likely to make a mistake and get himself killed.  The only person who seems to care whether Eriksson lives or dies is Sgt. Tony Messerve (Sean Penn), a squad leader who is so tough and battle-worn that it is easy to forget that he is only 20 years old.  After a member of Messerve’s squad is killed in a firefight and Messerve’s squad had been denied leave despite all of the stress and pressure that they’ve been under, Messerve decides that, during their next mission, the squad is going to kidnap a woman from a village and take her with them.

Eriksson, who is still naive enough to sincerely say, “We’re supposed to be here to help these people,” is horrified by Messerve’s actions.  At first, only he and Diaz (John Leguizamo) refuse to take part in raping the terrified woman (Thuy Thu Le).  Diaz soon caves to the pressure from the rest of the squad and joins in.  Only Eriksson continues to refuse but his attempt to help the woman escape fails when the members of the squad murder her during a firefight with the Viet Cong.  After the battle, the wounded Eriksson discovers that no one in command wants to hear about what happened.  Messerve’s second-in-command, Clark (Don Patrick Harvey), targets Eriksson, trying to shut him up permanently.

One of the many Vietnam films to come out after the success of Platoon, Brian De Palma’s Casualties of War is an intense and disturbing recreation of a true story.   After years of being accused of making misogynistic and exploitive films, De Palma made an effective and sensitive anti-war film, one that did not exploit the suffering of the kidnapped woman but instead portrays the depravity of war and the courage it takes to do the right thing when everyone around is ordering you not to.  While it always takes a while to get used to Michael J. Fox in a serious role (and, at the start of the film, he really does seem to be miscast), he eventually gives the best performance of his career in Max Eriksson and, by using a framing device of Eriksson back in the United States after completing his tour, both De Palma and Fox show how the Eriksson, like countless other veterans, is still haunted by what he saw in Vietnam even after he returns home.  Sean Penn is equally impressive as Messerve, playing him as someone who sacrificed his soul in order to survive in Vietnam.  Messerve has come to view the entire country with contempt and, in his twisted way, he sees kidnapping the woman as a way to reward his squad for all that they’ve endured.  The rest of the cast is also strong, with John C. Reilly making his acting debut as a member of the squad.

Not surprisingly, the dark and disturbing Casualties of War was a box office disappointment.  It’s still one of most harrowing films made about Vietnam and one of De Palma’s best.

The Secret of My Success (1987, directed by Herbert Ross)


ȋ‚˜é

Brantley Foster (Michael J. Fox) heads to New York City with his business degree from the University of Kansas and the promise of an entry-level job as a financier.  He arrives to discover that the company that hired him no longer exists and that Brantley is out of a job.  New York is a harsh town for someone who is down on his luck and all of out of money.  Brantley eventually gets a job working in the mail room of a company owned by his wealthy uncle (Richard Jordan).  His uncle doesn’t even know who he is but soon, Brantley becomes just as rich and successful as he always dreamed.

What’s the secret of Brantley’s success?

Screwing his Aunt Vera (played by Margaret Whitton).

What’s the other other secret of his success?

Pretending to be named Carlton Whitfield and claiming that he’s a new executive at the corporation.

I remember when Kramer did the same thing on Seinfeld.  It didn’t work out for Kramer.  He got fired after turning in his first report.

“This is gibberish,” his boss said, “It’s almost as if you have no business training at all.  I’m afraid we have to let you go.”

“I don’t actually work here,” Kramer replied.

“That’s what makes this so hard.”

Seinfeld, never topped.

Back to The Secret of My Success, this is the most 80s film ever made, complete with montages of Brantley exploring New York and a saxophone playing on the soundtrack.  Brantley’s all about TCB, taking care of business.  He screws his aunt but falls in love with Christy Wills (Helen Slater).  Brantley doesn’t learn anything but he gets the best office and becomes a success without actually doing any real work.  It’s the ultimate fantasy and, like many fantasies, The Secret of My Success is superficially appealing.  Michael J. Fox is likable as Brantley.  Margaret Whitton is outrageously sexy as Vera.  Helen Slater is pretty and boring, traits that made her the ideal “good” girlfriend for Brantley’s story.

The Secret of My Success is your ticket to the 80s.

#SundayShorts with THE FRIGHTENERS (1996)!


In the 1980’s I was a huge fan of Michael J. Fox. Alex P. Keaton was my hero, and BACK TO THE FUTURE and TEEN WOLF are two of my favorite 80’s movies. In the early 2000’s I became a huge fan of Director Peter Jackson due to his LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy. Made in 1996, THE FRIGHTENERS is the only Peter Jackson film I had seen prior to the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy. I saw THE FRIGHTENERS at the movie theater in 1996, and I loved it. It was different than I was expecting going in, but it has one hell of cast. I had not seen any of Jeffrey Combs’ work prior to this movie, and he totally cracked me up. Throw in a ghostly Chi McBride whose character even references Charles Bronson* at one point, and I’m hooked. Peter Jackson directing Michael J. Fox. Now that’s a match made in heaven!

*BONUS – Chi McBride as Cyrus
:

“All right, man, this is it. We gotta be hard. No mercy. We’re going in like professionals, like Charles Bronson. We don’t stop till the screaming starts, you dig?”

Scenes That I Love: Michael J. Fox Invents Rock and Roll in Back To The Future


Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a very happy birthday to the great Robert Zemeckis.  Today’s scene that I love comes from Zemeckis’s 1985 film, Back to the Future.

Did you know that rock and roll was invented by a time traveler?  Well, let’s not overthink things.  Let’s just enjoy the scene.

4 Shots From 4 Films: The James Woods Edition!


Today is the 78th birthday of James Woods, one of the great actors of his generation. Capable of completely disappearing into his roles, Woods is known for his unmatched intensity and diversity. He can play anything from a badass action hero to the most evil scum of society, from a mentally handicapped adult to the most intelligent man in the room. He’s been one of my favorite actors since I first discovered him in the late 80’s in the movie BEST SELLER (1987). While he’s won multiple Emmy awards and Golden Globes, the fact he’s never won an Oscar for his acting skills is beyond my comprehension. As he was an Executive Producer of OPPENHEIMER (2023), I particularly enjoyed that film’s Oscar success! Happy Birthday Mr. Woods! Thanks for the countless hours of entertainment you’ve brought into my life! 

ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA (1984)

SALVADOR (1986)

THE HARD WAY (1991)

GHOSTS OF MISSISSIPPI (1996)

Scenes That I Love: Back To The Future


Today would have been the 100th birthday of inventor and would-be automotive tycoon, John DeLorean.  Today’s scene that I love comes from 1985’s Back To The Future and it features DeLorean’s most famous contribution to world of driving (not to mention Doc Brown’s most famous invention, as well!).

Thank you, John DeLorean, for giving us a car so cool that it could travel through time.

Music Video of the Day: Kiss and Tell by Bryan Ferry (1988, directed by ????)


This is one of two videos for Kiss and Tell.  Both videos features Ferry performing the song while model Mandy Smith and Christine Keeler pose for the camera.  (Smith was the wife of Rolling Stone Bill Wyman while Christine Keeler was at the center of the Profumo Affair, which brought down Harold Macmillan’s government in 1963.)  However, the second version of the video also featured scenes from the film adaptation of Jay McInerney’s Bright Lights, Big City.

As can be seen in the video, Michael J. Fox played the cocaine-addled main character in the film.  It was a largely unsuccessful attempt to change Fox’s clean-cut image and the film struggled at the box office.  However, both the song and and the video proved to be very popular on MTV.  The video was nominated for Best Video From A Film at the MTV Video Music Awards, though it lost to Los Lobos’s video for La Bamba.

Enjoy!

Guilty Pleasure No. 59: Teen Wolf (dir by Rod Daniel)


First released in 1985, Teen Wolf is a bit of an odd film.

Michael J. Fox is Scott Howard, a 17 year-old high student in Nebraska.  There’s nothing special about Scott.  He plays on the school’s lousy basketball team.  He has a crush on the most popular girl in school, even though she barely seems to know that he’s alive.  He’s completely oblivious to the fact that his lifelong best friend, Boof (Susan Ursitti), is totally crushing on him.  His parents are clueless to Scott’s angst.  Maybe the only thing that Scott has going for him is that he is friends with the coolest kid in school, Stiles (Jerry Levine).  How cool is Stiles?  He’s so cool that his name is Stiles!  Actually, to be hones, Stiles seems just as dorky as Scott but this is an 80s film so who am I to argue with the film’s argument that everyone wants to hang out with Stiles?

Then, one night, Scott discovers that he has inherited the family “curse.”  He’s a werewolf!  But, on the plus side, he’s a really popular werewolf.  Everyone at school loves the werewolf.  The popular girls want to date the werewolf.  Everyone loves seeing the werewolf van surfing.  And, even more importantly, the werewolf is really good at basketball!  It’s weird because the Werewolf is just as short as Scott was but apparently, being a wolf makes you good at basketball.  You have to wonder why the other teams wouldn’t protest having to play against a werewolf.  I would be worried that the werewolf would get mad if it missed a shot and kill everyone on the court.

Anyway, Scott is popular but he soon learns that popularity is empty, regardless of whether you’re a werewolf or not.  He also realizes the Boof is the girl that he should be going out with but Boof only wants to date Scott.  She doesn’t want to date the werewolf.  Will Scott find the courage to go to the school dance as himself?

This is a pretty stupid movie but Michael J. Fox brings a lot of heart to the role of Scott and his romance with Boof (who really needs a better nickname) is actually rather sweet.  The highlight of the film are Scott’s interaction with his supportive but nerdy father (played by James Hampton).  There are a lot jokes that fall flat and the plot never makes much sense but the film itself so amiably dumb that it’s hard not to kind of like it.  That said, don’t ever try to surf on top of the van.  Werewolf or not, that looks dangerous!

Previous Guilty Pleasures

  1. Half-Baked
  2. Save The Last Dance
  3. Every Rose Has Its Thorns
  4. The Jeremy Kyle Show
  5. Invasion USA
  6. The Golden Child
  7. Final Destination 2
  8. Paparazzi
  9. The Principal
  10. The Substitute
  11. Terror In The Family
  12. Pandorum
  13. Lambada
  14. Fear
  15. Cocktail
  16. Keep Off The Grass
  17. Girls, Girls, Girls
  18. Class
  19. Tart
  20. King Kong vs. Godzilla
  21. Hawk the Slayer
  22. Battle Beyond the Stars
  23. Meridian
  24. Walk of Shame
  25. From Justin To Kelly
  26. Project Greenlight
  27. Sex Decoy: Love Stings
  28. Swimfan
  29. On the Line
  30. Wolfen
  31. Hail Caesar!
  32. It’s So Cold In The D
  33. In the Mix
  34. Healed By Grace
  35. Valley of the Dolls
  36. The Legend of Billie Jean
  37. Death Wish
  38. Shipping Wars
  39. Ghost Whisperer
  40. Parking Wars
  41. The Dead Are After Me
  42. Harper’s Island
  43. The Resurrection of Gavin Stone
  44. Paranormal State
  45. Utopia
  46. Bar Rescue
  47. The Powers of Matthew Star
  48. Spiker
  49. Heavenly Bodies
  50. Maid in Manhattan
  51. Rage and Honor
  52. Saved By The Bell 3. 21 “No Hope With Dope”
  53. Happy Gilmore
  54. Solarbabies
  55. The Dawn of Correction
  56. Once You Understand
  57. The Voyeurs 
  58. Robot Jox

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix for Teen Wolf!


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, I will be hosting #FridayNightFlix!  The movie?  1985’s Teen Wolf!

Michael J. Fox plays a teenager who is also a werewolf!  And a basketball player!  And yes, ultimately, those two things do come together!  It’s the original Hang Time!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag!  I’ll be there tweeting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Teen Wolf is available on Prime, Tubi, Pluto, Paramount+, and almost every other streaming service known to exist.

See you there!