Happy birthday to the legendary Bruce Willis. Here he has in the 80s, performing Under The Boardwalk with The Drifters. It’s also our song of the day.
Oh, when the sun beats down and burns the tar up on the roof And your shoes get so hot you wish your tired feet were fire proof Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be
Out of the sun (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be havin’ some fun (Under the boardwalk) People walking above (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be fallin’ in love (Under the boardwalk) Yeah (boardwalk)
From the park you hear the happy sound of the carousel You can almost taste the hot dogs and french fries they sell, yes you can Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be
Out of the sun (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be havin’ some fun (Under the boardwalk) People walking above (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be fallin’ in love (Under the boardwalk) Yeah (boardwalk)
Yeah, under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be
Out of the sun (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be havin’ some fun (Under the boardwalk) People walking above (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be fallin’ in love (Under the boardwalk) Yeah (boardwalk)
Today’s scene that I love comes from 1994’s Pulp Fiction.
There aren’t many happy endings to be found in Pulp Fiction. Vince ends up gunned down in Butch’s bathroom. Jules leaves to wander the Earth. Mia is still married to Marcellus. Marcellus may get his briefcase but he’s still going to be traumatized for life. However, Bruce Willis’s aging boxer, Butch, gets a happy ending. And good for him!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
It’s time to set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance. The Love Boat promises something for everyone so welcome aboard …. it’s love!
Episode 5.20 and 5.21 “The Musical/My Ex-Mom/The Show Must Go On/The Pest/My Aunt, the Worrier”
(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 27th, 1982)
I tried, everyone. Seriously, I really did try.
This week’s episode was a musical. It’s not just that the crew of the Love Boat was putting together their first annual crew talent show. It’s not just that Ethel Merman appeared as Gopher’s mom while Carol Channing played Julie’s aunt and Della Reese played Isaac’s mom while Ann Miller showed up as Doc’s former mother-in-law. All of that was fine. The episode was called The Musical and, looking at that guest list, I expected that the majority of this super-sized, two hour musical would feature the crew and their relatives rehearsing. I was looking forward to it. I’m a dancer. Ann Miller’s one of my heroes. Bring it on!
The problem was that the crew also sang and danced when they weren’t rehearsing. Every few moments there was a big production number. Some of them were entertaining. Again, Ann Miller was there and I love watching her dance. But most of the production numbers were pretty bad. It quickly became obvious that the Love Boat crew was not made up of natural-born singers and dancers. Fred Grandy tried really hard whenever he had to sing and he earnest dedication was charming but otherwise, most of the musical numbers fell flat. Each number was followed by wild applause but, seeing as how The Love Boat was not shot in front of a live studio audience, it quickly became apparent that the applause — much like the laugh track — was being piped in. Fake applause just made the whole thing feel …. not right.
I really wanted to like this episode but it just didn’t work for me. If it had limited the singing and dancing to the talent show, it would have been fun. But by turning the entire episode into a musical, it just became a bit too much, an experiment that ultimately didn’t work.
Do I sound like a feel guilty for not liking this episode? Well, I guess I do. Of all the shows that I review, The Love Boat is frequently my favorite and I really, really wanted to like this episode. I could tell that the cast was doing their best. I could tell that they probably had fun shooting this episode. But, in the end, it just didn’t work. I wanted it to work but it didn’t.
Oh well. I applaud the show for experimenting, even if it didn’t quite come together. Next week will be better!
4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
Today, Bruce Willis turns 70. It’s time for….
4 Shots From 4 Bruce Willis Films
Die Hard (1988, directed by John McTiernan, DP: Jan de Bont)
Pulp Fiction (1994, dir by Quentin Tarantino, DP: Andrzej Sekuła)
12 Monkeys (1995, dir by Terry Gilliam, DP: Roger Pratt)
Last Man Standing (1996, dir by Walter Hill, DP: Lloyd Ahern II)
2016’s Precious Cargo tells the story of Jack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and his ex-wife Karen (Claire Forlani).
Karen is a professional thief who has botched a robbery for her former lover, crime boss Eddie Filosa (Bruce Willis). Eddie wants Karen dead so, of course, Karen flees down to the Florida everglades, where she finds Jack living in a swamp shack and making love to his latest girlfriend, Jenna (Lydia Hull). Karen tells them to go ahead and finish up and she’ll just wait out in the kitchen. Jack in not particularly happy to see Karen again but then he notices that she has a baby bump. “Always use a condom,” Karen tells Jenna. Eddie’s men, led by Simon (Daniel Berhardt), attack and it all leads to a boat chase that is surprisingly exciting when you consider that Precious Cargo is a low-budget, direct-to-video offering.
It turns out that Jack can save Karen from Eddie’s wrath by planning and executing a heist for the crime boss. Jack assembles his crew, Jack gets ready for the heist …. uh-oh, it’s time for a double cross! The plot is nothing special. It’s identical to a hundred other low-budget crime films that you’ve seen recently. It’s the type of thing that Michael Mann could have turned into a metaphor for American ennui but, in this film, it’s just a typical heist. The viewer enjoys it while it’s happening and then forgets about it two minutes afterwards.
That said, Precious Cargo is not quite as bad as the typical direct-to-video film. Mark-Paul Gosselaar — yes, Zack Morris himself — gives a reasonably compelling performance as Jack. To a certain group of people, he’s always be Zack and I imagine he’s sick of people asking him about whether or not he still has his giant phone but, as he’s gone from teen idol to adult actor, Gosselaar has shown himself to be a talented actor. (For the record, Zack lost his phone in the drunk driving episode. I know some people say that episode doesn’t count because it was a Tori episode but I say that it does. So there.) Claire Forlani is actually more compelling in these direct-to-video films than she ever was in any of the big budget studio films that she used to appear in.
Of course, I imagine that the main selling point for this film was meant to be Bruce Willis. This is one of the direct-to-video films that dominated the last fourth of Willis’s career. When Willis retired due to aphasia, there was a general assumption that all of Willis’s direct-to-video films were made as a result of his condition. I don’t know if that’s quite true. (It’s entirely possible that he just wanted a quick payday.) But it is true that Willis only has a few minutes of screentime in Precious Cargo and that several shots involving Eddie were accomplished with a stand-in. That said, in this film, Willis still brings some energy to the part. He’s an effective villain, even if I think everyone prefers to see Willis saving the day. Even in the direct-to-video era, Bruce Willis still had a definite presence.
Precious Cargo is predictable and ultimately forgettable but it’s still entertaining enough for 90 minutes.
2012’s Lay the Favorite is a movie about gambling.
Rebecca Hall stars as Beth Raymer, a dancer in Florida who makes her money by giving private shows and lap dances to paying customers. Bored and disillusioned with her life, she follows the advice of her father (Corbin Bernsen) and decides to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a Las Vegas cocktail waitress.
(Really, that’s your dream? I mean, my mom occasionally worked as a waitress because she was essentially taking care of four girls by herself and she needed the extra money but it was hardly a lifelong dream.)
Vegas is a union town, which means that Beth can’t just walk in and start serving drinks. Instead, she gets a job working with Dink Heimowitz (Bruce Willis), a big-time gambler who hires other people to place bets for him. Dink is surprisingly nice for a professional gambler and it’s not long before Beth finds herself falling for him. Dink’s wife, Tulip (Catherine Zeta-Jones), is not happy about that. Tulip need not worry about Beth eventually ends up falling in love with a journalist named Jeremy (Joshua Jackson) and the two of them quickly become one of the most boring couples that I’ve ever seen in my life. Eventually, Tulip does demand that Dink fire Beth and Beth ends up in New York, working for a decadent gambler named Rosy (Vince Vaughn). Uh-oh — bookmaking’s illegal in New York!
Rebecca Hall is one of those performers who tends to act with a capitol A. There’s not necessarily a bad thing. Hall has given some very strong and very memorable performances, in films like Vicky Christina Barcelona, Please Give, and the heart-breaking Christine. However, when Hall is miscast — as she is in this film — her style of acting can seem overly mannered. Hall plays Beth as being a collection of quirks and twitches and nervous mannerisms and embarrassed facial expressions and the end result is that Beth comes across not as being the endearing ditz that the film wants her to be but instead as just a very annoying and very immature human being. It’s actually perfectly understandable why Tulip would demand that Dink fire her. What’s less understandable is why we should care. Myself, I wanted someone to warn Joshua Jackson because I don’t think he knew what he was getting into.
Lay The Favorite is yet another film that tries to use Las Vegas as a metaphor for American culture. That’s not a bad idea. David Lynch made great use of Vegas in Twin Peaks: The Return. Martin Scorsese did the same with Casino. However, Lay The Favorite was directed by the British Stephen Frears and, as happens so often whenever a European director tries to understand American culture, the entire film leaves you feeling as if you’re on the outside looking in. Lynch and Scorsese, for instance, both understood that Las Vegas represents both the ultimate risk and the ultimate second chance. If you have the courage, you can bet every asset that you have. And if you’re lucky, you might win. If you lose, you know you can still rebuild. Whether it’s grounded in reality or not, it’s a very American idea. Lay The Favorite, on the other hand, can’t see beyond the glitz of the strip and the harsh concrete reality of a nearby apartment complex. It’s portrait of Vegas is as superficial as a tourist’s postcard. Thematically, Lay The Favorite feels as empty and predictable as its double entendre title.
On the plus side, Bruce Willis, Vince Vaughn, and Catherine Zeta-Jones all gave better performances that the film probably deserved. Willis, especially, gives a poignant performance as temperamental, henpecked, and good-natured Dink. Bruce Willis spent so much time as an action star that it was often overlooked that he was a very good character actor. Even in a bad film like this one, Willis came through.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.
I’m a little bit late with this review but so what? I mean, what’s Pacific Blue going to do? Chase me on their bicycles?
Episode 1.10 “Captive Audience”
(Dir by Terrence O’Hara, originally aired on May 4th, 1996)
The local bank is being robbed! The three robbers — desperate and murderous criminals all — have taken hostages, including TC and Cory. TC just wanted to check out his safe deposit box. Cory just wanted to withdraw some money so she could buy a motorcycle. (If she had been withdrawing the money to buy another bicycle, I would have thrown a shoe at my television.) TC is in uniform. The robbers know he’s a cop. Cory is not in uniform and she and TC are pretending not to know each other. There’s also a pregnant woman in the bank who goes into labor, which means that Cory is going to have to get over her loathing of babies to help deliver one!
*Sigh*
I think I’ve said before that I hate cop shows that feature people being held hostage. It’s always the same thing. The robbers threaten a lot of people. The hostages get beaten and abused. Outside the bank, the negotiator says, “You have to give me more time!” On Pacific Blue, the negotiator is Captain Palermo and there’s something just silly about him, in his shorts and crisp polo shirt, directing a bunch of rough-and-ready SWAT team members who are in protective gear. Hostage situations are serious and potentially deadly but Palermo chasing the robbers are on his bicycle just made me laugh and laugh. I also laughed when the SWAT team first arrived at the bank and spotted Cory and TC’s bicycles sitting outside the building. “There might be cops in there,” someone says. Apparently, they’re unsure about whether or not bike cops should be considered real police or not. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
It falls to Del Toro and Chris to track down Doc Mueller (Charley Lang), a paranoid electronics expert who lives in a tent on the beach. He agreed to help disable the bank’s alarm so that the SWAT team can sneak inside. He also taps into the head robber’s “cellular phone” so that the cops can see who he is working with on the outside. Shows from the 90s are always amusing because everyone’s always like, “He’s got a cellular phone!” In 1996, those were still unusual and only used by desperate bank robbers.
(On a positive note, one of the robbers is played by a handsome young actor named Walton Goggins. What ever happened to him? Seriously, there’s not much about his performance here that indicates the type of actor he would become but still …. WALTON GOGGINS!)
Everything works out, of course. The main bank robber tries to escape in a helicopter but Palermo chases him — on his bike! — and manages to jump into the helicopter. It would have been really impressive if not for the bicycle and the fact that the Pacific Blue uniforms — those shorts and those blindingly white shirts — make all of the characters look really silly. It’s hard to take a cop seriously when he’s dressed like an aging track coach. The important thing, though, is that Cory gets over her hatred of babies and Palermo shows that bike cops deserve as much respect as real cops.
The Kennedy files were just released a few hours ago. There’s supposedly either 8,000 or 80,000 of them, depending on which source you trust. It’ll take a while for people to go through them and, to be honest, I’ll be surprised if anything new is discovered. I’m pretty much a natural born skeptic when it comes to conspiracy theories, even though I love reading about them.
Today’s scene that I love comes from one of the first conspiracy-themed films to be made about the Kennedy assassination, 1973’s Executive Action. In this scene, the infamous photograph of Lee Harvey Oswald holding his rifle is created.
Today’s song of the day comes from the iconic score of 1999’s Fight Club. Director David Fincher wanted a score that sounded unique and original and The Dust Brothers delivered.
4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
Today, we pay tribute to the year 1999. It’s time for….
4 Shots From 4 1999 Films
Eyes Wide Shut (1999, dir by Stanley Kubrick, DP: Larry Smith)
Fight Club (1999, dir by David Fincher, DP: Jeff Cronenweth)
The Virgin Suicides (1999, dir by Sofia Coppola, DP: Edward Lachman)
The Straight Story (1999, dir by David Lynch, DP: Freddie Francis)
