The Eric Roberts Collection: Depth Charge (dir by Terrence O’Hara)


It’s Die Hard On A Submarine in 2008’s Depth Charge!

Dying of a brain tumor and passed over for a promotion (and wow, you thought your week sucked), Commander Krieg (Eric Roberts) and a band of mercenaries take over a nuclear submarine.  They force off all of the actual crew of the sub but they somehow miss the doctor (Jason Gedrick) and an electrician (Chris Warren).  The mad commander announces that unless he is sent a certain amount of money, he will launch the nuclear missiles.  While the President (Barry Bostwick) dithers and an admiral (Corbin Bernsen) searches for the sub, the doctor and the electrician beat up mercenaries and work their way to the bridge.

“Get off my boat!” Gedrick growls several times.

Yeah, dude, we get it.  Air Force One.  Good movie.

This on the other hand …. well, let’s be positive here.  This movie provides Eric Roberts with a substantial role and he does a good job as the villain, even if his motives never quite make sense.  (He’s got a year to live so what exactly would he have done with a promotion or any of that money that he’s demanding?)  But this movie asks us to believe that a bunch of mercenaries could not only sneak onto a submarine but also defeat almost the entire crew without a single bit of trouble.  And then for submarine’s doctor to just happen to turn out to be a former boxer or UFC fighter or whatever he’s supposed to be (“He was a fighter,” a presidential aide explains) is just a bit too much of a coincidence.

That said, you get Eric Roberts, Corbin Bernsen, and Barry Bostwick, all in the same movie.  All three of them deserve better but at least they all gave it their best here!

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Runaway Train (1985)
  3. Blood Red (1989)
  4. The Ambulance (1990)
  5. The Lost Capone (1990)
  6. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  7. Voyage (1993)
  8. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  9. Sensation (1994)
  10. Dark Angel (1996)
  11. Doctor Who (1996)
  12. Most Wanted (1997)
  13. Mercy Streets (2000)
  14. Raptor (2001)
  15. Rough Air: Danger on Flight 534 (2001)
  16. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  17. Border Blues (2004)
  18. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  19. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  20. We Belong Together (2005)
  21. Hey You (2006)
  22. Amazing Racer (2009)
  23. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  24. Bed & Breakfast (2010)
  25. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  26. The Expendables (2010) 
  27. Sharktopus (2010)
  28. Beyond The Trophy (2012)
  29. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  30. Deadline (2012)
  31. The Mark (2012)
  32. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  33. Assault on Wall Street (2013)
  34. Bonnie And Clyde: Justified (2013)
  35. Lovelace (2013)
  36. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  37. The Perfect Summer (2013)
  38. Self-Storage (2013)
  39. A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
  40. This Is Our Time (2013)
  41. Inherent Vice (2014)
  42. Road to the Open (2014)
  43. Rumors of War (2014)
  44. Amityville Death House (2015)
  45. Deadly Sanctuary (2015)
  46. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  47. Las Vegas Story (2015)
  48. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  49. Enemy Within (2016)
  50. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  51. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  52. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  53. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  54. Dark Image (2017)
  55. Black Wake (2018)
  56. Frank and Ava (2018)
  57. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  58. Clinton Island (2019)
  59. Monster Island (2019)
  60. The Reliant (2019)
  61. The Savant (2019)
  62. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  63. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  64. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  65. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  66. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  67. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  68. Top Gunner (2020)
  69. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  70. The Elevator (2021)
  71. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  72. Killer Advice (2021)
  73. Night Night (2021)
  74. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  75. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  76. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  77. Bleach (2022)
  78. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  79. 69 Parts (2022)
  80. D.C. Down (2023)
  81. Aftermath (2024)
  82. Bad Substitute (2024)
  83. Devil’s Knight (2024)
  84. The Wrong Life Coach (2024)
  85. When It Rains In L.A. (2025

The Eric Roberts Collection: Amazing Racer (dir by Frank E. Johnson)


2009’s Amazing Racer is the story of a teenage girl who meets her mother and learns how to ride a horse.

Shannon Greene (Julianne Michelle) is traumatized when her father dies and, having been told that her mother died giving birth to her, she now believes herself to be an orphan.  However, Dr. Rita Baker (Daryl Hannah) reveals that Shannon’s father was just a damn liar.  First, he told Shannon’s mother that her baby was stillborn.  Then, as Shannon was growing up, he told her that her mother was dead.  This is a lot to take in for both Shannon and the viewer.  Myself, I wondered not only how someone could do that but why they would do that.  Making the scene in which Shannon hears the truth even more surreal was the presence of Michael Madsen and Joanna Pacula, playing Shannon’s guardians.  Madsen played his good guy role in much the same way he played his bad guy in Reservoir Dogs.

Anyway, Shannon ends up living with her mother, Dr. Christine Pearson (Claire Forlani), and her mother’s boyfriend, Eric (Jason Gedrick).  Understandably, considering everything that she’s been through, Shannon is initially difficult and bratty but eventually, she comes to enjoy working on Eric’s horse ranch.  She even starts riding a horse and winning races!  This brings her to the attention of evil Mitchell Prescott (Eric Roberts), who wants her horse for himself and even has a spy working on the ranch….

There are a lot familiar faces in this movie.  Charles Durning makes his final film appearance as Floyd.  Steve Guttenberg has a bizarre cameo as a guy transporting a horse trailer.  Scott Eastwood and Kirsta Allen show up.  When it’s time for Shannon to finally start training for the big race, Lou Gossett Jr. pops up as the trainer.  The film itself a fairly predictable horse ranch movie and it’s enjoyable if you like that sort of thing.  (Myself, I like ranches and I like horses so I don’t mind movies like this.)  But really, most of the movie’s entertainment value comes from guessing who is going to show up next.  Some of the famous faces are bit distracting.  But sometimes, it really pays off.  I really wish Lou Gossett, Jr.’s role had been bigger because he does a great job with what little time he has.

As for Eric Roberts, he gets a bit more screentime than usual.  One gets the feeling that he may have actually spent more than two days shooting his scenes for this one.  Roberts is playing a villain here and he gives a enjoyably avuncular performance as the evil Mitchell.  Roberts has fun with the role and, as a result, he’s fun to watch in this movie.

I enjoyed Amazing Racer.  It had horses and it has Eric Roberts.  What more could you want?

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Blood Red (1989)
  3. The Ambulance (1990)
  4. The Lost Capone (1990)
  5. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  6. Voyage (1993)
  7. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  8. Sensation (1994)
  9. Dark Angel (1996)
  10. Doctor Who (1996)
  11. Most Wanted (1997)
  12. Mercy Streets (2000)
  13. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  14. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  15. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  16. Hey You (2006)
  17. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  18. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  19. The Expendables (2010) 
  20. Sharktopus (2010)
  21. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  22. Deadline (2012)
  23. The Mark (2012)
  24. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  25. Bonnie And Clyde: Justified (2013)
  26. Lovelace (2013)
  27. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  28. Self-Storage (2013)
  29. This Is Our Time (2013)
  30. Inherent Vice (2014)
  31. Road to the Open (2014)
  32. Rumors of War (2014)
  33. Amityville Death House (2015)
  34. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  35. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  36. Enemy Within (2016)
  37. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  38. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  39. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  40. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  41. Dark Image (2017)
  42. Black Wake (2018)
  43. Frank and Ava (2018)
  44. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  45. Clinton Island (2019)
  46. Monster Island (2019)
  47. The Savant (2019)
  48. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  49. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  50. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  51. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  52. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  53. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  54. Top Gunner (2020)
  55. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  56. The Elevator (2021)
  57. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  58. Killer Advice (2021)
  59. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  60. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  61. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  62. Bleach (2022)
  63. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  64. Aftermath (2024)
  65. The Wrong Life Coach (2024)

Lisa Marie Reviews An Oscar Nominee: Born On The Fourth of July (dir by Oliver Stone)


In 1989, having already won an Oscar for recreating his Vietnam experiences in Platoon, director Oliver Stone returned to the war with Born On The Fourth Of July.

Based on the memoir of anti-war activist Ron Kovic, Born on the Fourth of July stars Tom Cruise as Kovic.  When we first meet Kovic, he’s growing up on Long Island in the 50s and 60s.  He’s a clean-cut kid from a nice family.  He’s on the school wrestling team and he’s got a lot of friends.  When he was just 15, he heard John F. Kennedy telling people to ask what they can do for their country and he was inspired.  He decided he wanted to join the Marines, despite the fact that his father (Raymond J. Barry) was still haunted by the combat that he saw in World War II.  (In one of the film’s better scenes, a young Kovic notices that the elderly veterans marching in the Independence Day parade still flinch whenever they hear a firecracker.)  He enlists in the Marines after listening to a patriotic speech from a recruiter (played by Tom Berenger).  Ron runs through the rain to attend his prom and has one dance with Donna (Kyra Sedgwick), on whom he’s always had a crush.  There’s nothing subtle about the way that Stone portrays Kovic’s childhood.  In fact, one might argue that it’s a bit too idealized.  But Stone knows what he’s doing.  The wholesomenss of Kovic’s childhood leaves neither him nor the viewer prepared for what’s going to happen in Vietnam.

Vietnam turns out not to be the grand and patriotic adventure that Kovic thought it would be.  After Sgt. Kovic accidentally shoots one of his own men in a firefight, he is ordered to keep quiet about the incident.  After he is wounded and paralyzed in another firefight, Kovic ends up in a Hellish VA hospital, surrounded by men who will never fully recover from their mental and physical wounds.  Kovic is eventually returns home in wheelchair.  The film then follows Kovic as he goes from defending the war in Vietnam to eventually turning against both the war and the government.  At one point, he ends up with a group of disabled vets in Mexico and there’s a memorable scene where he and another paraplegic (Willem Dafoe) attempt to fight despite having fallen out of their chairs.  Eventually, Kovic returns to America and turns his anger into activism.

There’s nothing subtle about Born On The Fourth Of July.  It’s a loud and angry film and Oliver Stone directs with a heavy-hand.  Like a lot of Stone’s films, it overwhelms the viewer on a first viewing and it’s only during subsequent viewings that one becomes aware of just how manipulative the film is.  Tom Cruise gives a good performance as Ron Kovic but his transformation into a long-haired, profane drunk still feels as if it happens a bit too abruptly.  A good deal of the film centers on Kovic’s guilt about accidentally killing one of his men but the scene where he goes to the soldier’s family and asks them for forgiveness didn’t quite work for me.  If anything, Kovic came across as being rather self-centered as he robs the man’s mother and father of the belief that their son had at least died heroically in combat as opposed to having been shot by his own sergeant.  Did Kovic’s need to absolve himself really give him the right to cause this family more pain?  Born on the Fourth Of July is an effective work of agitprop.  On the first viewing, you’ll want to join Kovic in denouncing the military and demanding peace.  On the second viewing, you’ll still sympathize with Kovic while also realizing that he really owes both his mother and father an apology for taking out his anger on them.  By the third viewing, you’ll be kind of like, “Wow, I feel bad for this guy but he’s still kind of a jerk.”  That said, when it comes to making an effective political film, Adam McKay could definitely take some lessons from Oliver Stone.  Born On The Fourth of July is at its best when it simply captures the feeling of living in turmoil and discovering that the world is not as simple a place as you once believed.  As idealized as the film’s presentation of Kovic’s childhood may be, anyone who has ever felt nostalgia for an earlier and simpler world will be able to relate.

Oliver Stone won his second Best Director Oscar for Born On The Fourth Of July.  The film itself lost Best Picture to far more genteel version of the past, Driving Miss Daisy.

 

 

 

Miniseries Review: The Last Don II (dir by Graeme Clifford)


The Clericuzio saga continues and it’s sillier than ever!

The Clericuzios were the Mob family who were first introduced in a Mario Puzo novel called The Last Don.  In 1997, CBS turned The Last Don in a three-part miniseries.  The ratings were good enough that, in 1999, the network gave the world a two-episode sequel, The Last Don II.  The Last Don II was created without the input of Mario Puzo (who died shortly before the miniseries aired) but director Graeme Clifford returned, as did a few members of the cast.

For example, Danny Aiello briefly returns as the honorable but aging Don Domenico Clericuzio, talking about life in the old country and demanding to know why some of his children have yet to marry.  Under his leadership, the Clericuzios are almost totally legit and they’ve even become powerful in Hollywood.  Claudia De Lena (Michelle Burke) is in charge of the family’s film studio and has recently become engaged to a film star named Dirk Von Schelburg (Andrew Jackson, trying to do an Arnie impersonation but coming across more like Jean-Claude Van Damme).  Still, despite the fact that the Clericuzios are (slowly) abandoning organized crime, they haven’t completely cut their ties.  They still have enemies.  And when Don Clericuzio dies after dancing at his final birthday party, those enemies are set to strike.

Who can run the Clericuzio family?  Only one of the Don’s son was actively involved in the underworld aspect of the organization and he’s promptly (and, to be honest, hilariously) crushed when someone drops a shipping crate on him.  Another Clericuzio son is gunned down at his legitimate business, proving that someone is trying to take out the entire family, regardless of whether they’re a part of the family business or not.  Georgio Clericuzio (David Marciano) goes to Paris and tires to convince Claudia’s brother, Cross (Jason Gedrick), to return from exile to take things over.  Cross refuses because he’s happily married to the most famous actress in the world, the improbably named Athena Aquataine (Mo Kelso, replacing Daryl Hannah in the role).  However, Athena is subsequently blown up by a bomb that was meant for Cross and that’s all it takes to bring Cross back to America.

Now that Cross is in charge, he sets about to discover who, among the other Families, is targeting the Clericuzios.  Helping him out with this is Billy D’Angelo (James Wilder), who we are told is the the most important of the Clericuzios capos, despite the fact that he was neither seen nor mentioned in the previous Last Don.  It seems pretty obvious from the start that Billy is not to be trusted.  Everyone who has ever seen The Godfather will automatically look at Billy and say, “There’s your rat.”  But Cross is a remarkably naïve crime lord.  He’s apparently the only guy in the Mafia who has never seen a Mafia movie.

Of course, there’s more going on than just Cross trying to figure out who is targeting the Clericuzio family.  His unstable aunt, Rose Marie (Kirstie Alley), wants revenge for the murder of her son Dante but, fortunately, she’s distracted by an affair with the family’s priest (Jason Isaacs, of all people).  Disgraced former studio exec Bobby Bantz (Robert Wuhl) is plotting against Claudia.  And finally, Cross is falling in love with his stepdaughter’s nanny (Patsy Kensit) despite the fact that it’s kind of obvious that the nanny is actually an undercover FBI agent.  Remember what I said about Cross being impossibly naïve?

The Last Don was a fairly silly miniseries.  The Last Don 2 is even sillier but, for that every reason, it’s also a bit more entertaining.  If the first Last Don was held together by the rivalry between Cross and Dante, the sequel is held together by a nonstop flow of melodrama, overheated dialogue, and thoroughly unsubtle acting.  It’s as if the director looked at every over-the-top scene and said, “It’s okay but can we turn things up just a little bit more?”  As such, tt’s not enough for Danny Aiello to merely make a cameo before his character dies.  Instead, he has to deliver cryptic words of wisdom about family and and honor and he has to do one final, Zorbaesque dance of joy before his heart gives out.  Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley really throws herself into playing the insane Rose Marie and whether she’s seducing a priest or hoarsely yelling that she doesn’t know how to ice skate, her performance is always more than strange enough to be watchable.  Jason Isaacs, meanwhile, furrows his brow desperately as he tries to resist temptation.  Patsy Kensit is the world’s worst FBI agent while Kim Coates shows up as one of her colleagues.  Conrad Dunn returns as Lia, the Sicilian assassin with the world’s silliest mustache.  Even the presence of Robert Wuhl is less of a problem in the sequel.  With everyone chewing up every piece of scenery that they can get their hands on, it somehow makes sense that Robert Wuhl would show up and start yelling, “DON’T LAUGH AT ME!”  Somehow, it even seems appropriate that Joe Mantegna receives a “special appearance” credit, even though his character pretty much only appears in the archival footage used during the opening credits.  The Last Don II is just that type of miniseries.

Jason Gedrick and James Wilder are both good actors and they both do what they can with the roles of Cross and Billy.  Unfortunately, both of them were seriously miscast in The Last Don 2.  Neither one of them is the least bit Italian and Wilder was a bit too young to be convincing as the most feared capo in the family.  Compared to the classic gangster films that inspired them, both The Last Don and its sequel feels more like gangster cosplay than an actual portrait of life as a member of the Cosa Nostra.  Like the first Last Don, The Last Don II suffers from a lack of authenticity but it’s just ludicrous enough to be fun.

Miniseries Review: Mario Puzo’s The Last Don (dir by Graeme Clifford)


First broadcast over three nights in 1997, The Last Don tells the story of a powerful and respected Mafia family. They control politicians across the country and they own casinos in Vegas and their power even extends all the way to Hollywood. Despite having many enemies, the family has thrived due to the leadership of a wise but ruthless Don.  This Don remembers the old ways and imparts lessons about honor to the members of his own family.  Never let anyone know what you’re thinking.  Never side against the family.  If someone like you were to make enemies, they would become the Don’s enemies and then they would fear you …. you know, stuff like that.

However, times are changing and America is changing with it.  The underworld is no longer run by men of honor.  On top that, the Don is aging and in ill-health. Who will succeed him? One possible successor is respected by all but he’s stayed out of the dirtier aspects of the family’s business and, in fact, he seems to have no desire to be a feared man.  Another possible successor is ruthless and has a terrible temper.  He sometimes speaks out of turn, because the Don has a sentimental weakness for his children.  This possible successor’s anger is feared but perhaps fear is the future of the organized crime in America.  The old ways are changing but one thing remains the same.  The Don believes in America and he believes in family and….

Wait.

Okay, is it just me or does this all sound just a little bit familiar?

If it does, that’s probably because The Last Don is based on a novel by The Godfather‘s Mario Puzo.  Though the family may be called The Clerichuzios and the action may have been moved fro the 40s and the 50s to the 60s, 70s, and 80, the story is still the same basic one that was told in The Godfather.  Don Clerichuzio (Danny Aiello) is an honorable man whose time is coming to an end.  His grandnephew, Cross (Jason Gedrick), is the possible successor who isn’t crazy.  His grandson, Dante (Rory Cochrane), is the possible successor who is violent and doesn’t know how to negotiate.  Don Clerichuzio’s dream is for the family to become completely legitimate but good luck with that when the film business and the political world are just as corrupt as the Mafia.  I supposed one could argue that The Last Don is narrated by Don Clerichuzio while The Godfather has no narration at all but, seriously, once you have to add a voice-over to explain what’s going on, you have pretty much already last the war.

And yes, I did mention the film business.  When Francis Ford Coppola first read The Godfather, he famously hated the Hollywood sections of the book and, with the exception of Tom Hagen’s visit to Jack Woltz (and Woltz’s subsequent discovery of a horse’s head in his bed the next morning), Coppola refused to include them in the movie.  The second half of The Last Don, however, goes full Hollywood and, more or less, proves Coppola’s point.  Cross’s sister, Claudia (Michelle Burke, who also co-starred with Cochrane in Dazed and Confused), gets a job as an agent and one of her clients is the world’s most famous actress, the ludicrously named Athena Aquataine (Daryl Hannah).  When Athena has trouble with her crazy ex-husband (Chris Meloni, bringing a spark of genuine danger to the production), Cross helps her out, falls in love, and gets involved in the production of her next film.  This brings him into conflict with a studio exec named Bobby Bantz (Robert Wuhl).  Unfortunately, all of the Hollywood stuff is pretty dull.  One gets the feeling that Puzo was perhaps settling some old scores with the character of Bobby but Robert Wuhl is one of those goofy actors who belongs nowhere near a Mafia drama.  And don’t even get me started on country singer k.d. lang, who is bizarrely cast as a film director.

(Add to that, how can anyone take a character named Athena Aquataine seriously?  I never miss an Athena Aquataine movie!))

The Hollywood stuff distracts from the Mafia stuff, which is unfortunate because the Mafia stuff is at least occasionally interesting and it’s certainly better-acted than the Hollywood scenes.  Joe Mantegna plays Pippi, who is Cross’s father and who, years earlier, killed Dante’s father.  (Mantegna’s always good but it’s a struggle to take any character named Pippi seriously.)  Kirstie Alley plays Rose Marie, who is Dante’s mentally unstable mother and the Don’s only daughter.  Aiello, Mantegna, and Alley all give good performances, as do Burt Young and Seymour Cassel in the roles of family associates.  As for the “younger generation” of Clerichuzios, Gedrick is a bit dull but then again, Cross isn’t a very interesting character.  The slightly-built Cochrane is miscast as Dante but ultimately, that miscasting kind of works in that it reminds us that, due to his father being the scion of a rival family, Dante is destined to always be viewed as being an outsider.

As I said earlier, The Last Don was originally broadcast over three nights.  I watched the whole thing — all five hours of it — in one sitting and, yes, it was a bit of an endurance test.  It’s not just that it’s long but also that it keeps getting bogged down in all of the Hollywood stuff.  You don’t watch a film like this because you want to spend five hours watching Robert Wuhl mug for the camera.  You watch a film like this for the Mafia action and, for a film called The Last Don, there really wasn’t enough Mafia action.  It has its moments but it never feels as authentic as The Godfather, Casino, Goodfellas, The Irishman, The Sopranos or any of the other classic films and shows about the Mafia..  The Last Don needed to be extremely Italian but instead, it was only slightly Italian.  Robert Evans famously said that Coppola was selected to direct The Godfather because Coppola would make audiences “smell the pasta.”  There’s very little pasta in The Last Don.

Film Review: Massive Retaliation (dir by Thomas A. Cohen)


The 1984 film, Massive Retaliation, was made before I was even born but I still feel as if it was specifically designed to annoy me.

Consider this:

The movie begins with an endless folk song playing over the opening credits.  It’s one of those peace and love folks songs that goes on forever.  I recently did some research on the folk music of the 50s, 60s, and 70s and what I discovered is that folk singers were (and are) essentially the most self-important people on the planet.  (Pete Seeger apparently went to his grave convinced that he was single-handedly responsible for getting Lyndon B. Johnson to withdraw from the 1968 presidential election.)  When a film about nuclear war opens with a folk song, it’s never a good sign.

The film then cuts from the folk singers to a bunch of screaming kids in a van.   I mean, seriously …. AGCK!  The kids are on a road trip and the van is being driven by their older brother, Eric (Jason Gedrick).  Eric tries to keep the kids quiet but it doesn’t work, mostly because Eric is kind of a wimp.  Unfortunately, Eric picked the wrong time to go on a road trip because it looks like a nuclear war is about to break out and his parents and their friends are all heading up to a compound that they built up in the hills.

(It’s supposed to be a secret compound but it’s sitting right out in the open and there’s a paved road leading up to it so ….. yeah.  Good job.)

Anyway, the first half of the movie is divided between scenes of the adults and the kids heading to the compound.  This leads to the two groups encountering a lot of other people who are reacting to the threat of war.  This also leads to a lot of half-baked monologues about war and human nature.  The rednecks are excited about the prospect of the world ending.  Eric’s dad (Peter Donat) is looking forward to restarting civilization in the compound.  Every old person who shows up in the movie says something like, “There’s always been a war.”  The film tries way too hard to be profound, which is always an annoying trait.

Eventually, Bobcat Goldthwait shows up as a member of an evil redneck crew who wants to steal some gasoline.  Despite the fact that this is meant to be a serious film, Goldthwait uses a variation of his Bobcat voice in the role and it creates a weird effect.  Perhaps that’s the message of the film.  When society collapses, comedians will become warlords….

Anyway, Massive Retaliation is one of those self-righteously liberal and largely humorless films has a lot that it wants to say about war and humanity and society but …. eh.  Who cares?  I mean, I guess if I wanted to, I could make the argument that there are parallels to the film’s depiction of society collapsing over the possibility of war to the way some people are reacting to the COVID-19 pandemic but that would just be me trying to make this film sound more interesting than it actually is.  To be honest, the best thing about the film is the poster below, which looks like it was made for a different, better movie:

Massive Retaliation is nowhere as fun as this poster.  Instead, it’s a film that begins with folk music and ends with children forming a circle of peace.  Seriously, was this film just made to give me a migraine?

Insomnia File #11: Summer Catch (dir by Mike Tollin)


What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

Summer_catch

Whenever I look at my cable guide, I always notice that channel 834 is listed as being “MorMax.”  For some reason, I always assume that MorMax stands for Morman Max and I’m always expecting that it’s going to show movies about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young.  But actually, MorMax stands for More Cinemax.

Anyway, last night, if you were having a hard time sleeping around midnight (though why anyone would ever try to go to sleep before midnight is beyond me), you could have turned on MorMax and watched the 2001 romantic comedy Summer Catch!

Though it may be hard to believe today, there was a time when Freddie Prinze, Jr. was a pretty big deal.  From 1997 to 2001, Prinze appeared in 179 movies.  Well, actually, he only appeared in 10 but since they were all aimed at teenage girls and played on cable constantly, it felt like 179.  (Seriously, there was a time when I could not get through an entire day without seeing at least a few minutes of She’s All That.)  For the most part, all of these films were pretty much the same.  Freddie Prinze, Jr. plays a kind of dumb guy who falls in love with a girl.  Prinze’s character was usually from a working class family and had at least one wacky friend.  The girl was usually from a rich family and had one bitchy friend who would be an ex-friend by the end of the movie.  There was usually at least one scene set on the beach or at a swimming pool, the better for Freddie to remove his shirt and his costar to chastely strip down to her underwear.  There was usually a falling in love montage and at least one big misunderstanding.  Freddie would always flash the same goofy smile whenever the misunderstanding was cleared up.  Even at the time that the films were being released, nobody was ever under the impression that Freddie Prinze, Jr. was a particularly good actor.  But he was likable, unthreatening, and hot in an oddly bland sort of way.

(Speaking of oddly bland, check out the titles of some of Prinze’s films: She’s All That, Down To You, Boys and Girls, Head over Heels, and, of course, Summer Catch.)

Summer Catch opens with Ryan Dunne (Freddie!) explaining that he’s just a working class kid from Massachusetts but this summer, he’s going to be playing amateur baseball in Cap Cod and hopefully, he’ll get signed to a professional contract as result.  (Freddie adopts an inconsistent “pahk ya cah by the bah” accent and its kind of endearing to see him trying so hard.)  Ryan, of course, is just a local guy who mows lawns for a living but he’s determined to succeed.  He just has to stay focused.

However, that’s going to be difficult because he’s just met Tenley Parrish (Jessica Biel).  The Parrishes own a vacation home on Cape Cod and they are so rich that they can afford to name their oldest daughter Tenley.  Soon, Tenley and Ryan are a couple but Tenley’s father wants Tenley to marry a rich boy and Ryan’s father is too busy being all surly and working class to appreciate Ryan’s dreams.

(Tenley’s father, incidentally, is played by Bruce Davison because all snobbish WASPs of a certain age are played by Bruce Davison.  Ryan’s father is played by Fred Ward because Summer Catch was made in 2001.)

Because every Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie needs a hyperactive and wacky sidekick, Ryan’s best friend on the team is a catcher named Billy Brubaker (Matthew Lillard.)  Billy is known as “Bru.”  There’s a lot of scenes of people saying stuff like “Yo, Bru,” and “Come on, Bru!”  After a while, I found myself hoping for a scene where Bru went crazy and started shouting, “My name is Billy, dammit!  BILLY!  DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!”  Instead, however, we get a subplot about how Billy can’t get any hits until he has sex with and wears the thong underwear of a local baseball fan.

Anyway, Summer Catch is an extremely predictable film.  It’s not surprising that this was one of Freddie’s final star vehicles because, other than his heroic effort to maintain a Massachusetts accent, even he seems to be bored with it all.  Perhaps the most remarkable thing about Summer Catch is that there’s next to no actual conflict in the film.  Oh sure, Ryan and Tenley have a few misunderstandings but it’s never anything serious.

If there’s an unheralded hero to Summer Catch, it’s the uncredited guy who we hear providing commentary during the games.  Seriously, I would have been so lost if not for him constantly saying stuff like, “This is Ryan Dunne’s chance to show what he can do,” and “Billy Brubaker needs to get a hit here…”  They should have made the entire movie about him and his efforts to remain up-to-date on all the players.

Because Summer Catch was a baseball film, I begged my sister Erin to watch it with me so that she could explain all the baseball stuff to me.  For the record, Erin says that the game scenes were okay (and I personally liked all of the totally gratuitous slow motion) but that the film wasn’t really a deep examination of baseball.  To be honest, I really wasn’t expecting that it would be.  I just wanted to make my sister stay up late and watch a movie with me.

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye

 

 

Hallmark Review: The Christmas Choir (2008, dir. Peter Svatek)


IMG_3521

There isn’t a whole lot to talk about with this one. And that’s a good thing. This isn’t another Hallmark romance, and they kept it simple. Basically, take the choir portions of Sister Act (1992) and merge it with the full employment speech from Dave (1993). The speech where he says, “it’s not about the paycheck. It’s about respect. It’s about looking in the mirror, and knowing you’ve done something valuable with your day.”

IMG_3529

That’s Peter Brockman (Jason Gedrick) who has just been reminded by his secretary that he’s supposed to go see his girlfriend Jill (Cindy Sampson). Jill promptly breaks up with him cause he’s basically just too busy and living in a work bubble. This leads him to a bar where he meets a man named Bob (Tyrone Benskin).

IMG_3556

He follows Bob back to where he lives, which happens to be a homeless shelter run by Sister Agatha (Rhea Perlman). Of course she gives him a little speech, and in short order Peter decides to do something to help. He wants to round up the guys into a choir in order to give them something to do that can also earn them some extra money.

IMG_3596

That’s it! There’s a couple little subplots involving a woman at the subway and Peter’s father, but they really don’t matter. What you are getting here is a nice a little story about a guy who in the process of trying to help some others, also helps himself. The only thing I thought was an actual problem was the minor wrench they throw into things at the last minute. It’s like including a birth narrative because you don’t think the audience will accept the story without it being pre-ordained. Here it’s people will feel let down if it doesn’t end on a super high note.

IMG_3785

Nothing to seek out, but it’s a perfectly fine little Hallmark Christmas movie.

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #82: Promised Land (dir by Michael Hoffman)


Promised_land_poster_(1987)When I made out my schedule of reviews for Embracing the Melodrama, I did not realize that I was setting myself up for a mini-marathon of Kiefer Sutherland movies but somehow, that’s exactly what happened!  No sooner had I watched and jotted down my impressions of Bright Lights, Big City and 1969, then I started watching a 1988 film called Promised Land (which should not be confused with the recent Matt Damon/Jon Krasinski fracking film).

And guess who stars in this particular film?

That’s right — Kiefer Sutherland!

Now, if Bright Lights, Big City featured Kiefer as a sociopath and 1969 featured Kiefer as a blonde-haired golden boy, Promised Land features Kiefer as a prototypical outsider.

Promised Land opens at a high school basketball game.  Hancock (Jason Gedrick) is the handsome and popular jock who is a star on the court and who is dating a cheerleader named Mary (Tracy Pollan).  Danny (Kiefer Sutherland) is the nerdy kid who gets good grades and who is nicknamed Senator because he wants to enter politics.  He has an obvious crush on Mary but also appears to have one on Hancock as well.  As Hancock runs up and down the court, nobody cheers louder than Danny.  Meanwhile, Hancock barely knows who Danny is.

Three years later and things have changed.  Hancock, having gone to college on an athletic scholarship just to drop out and return home, is now a vaguely fascistic police officer.  Mary has remained in college.  When she returns home for Christmas break, Hancock tries to rekindle their relationship but Mary has moved on.

Meanwhile, Danny has dropped out of school as well.  After spending a few years drifting around, he meets the lively, vivacious, and totally insane Bev (Meg Ryan).  He and Bev get married in Las Vegas and decide to head back to Danny’s hometown for Christmas…

Drama, violence, and tragedy follow!

But you already guessed that, didn’t you?  That’s one of the problems with Promised Land.  From the minute that Bev says that she wants to meet Danny’s family, you can tell exactly how this story is going to end.  And while a predictable plot can sometimes be redeemed by memorable performances, that’s not the case with Promised Land.  Kiefer Sutherland and Meg Ryan both give good and dangerous performances but Jason Gedrick and Tracy Pollan make for a boring couple.

(Interestingly enough, Tracy Pollan was also in Bright Lights, Big City.)

Promised Land does have some historical significance, in that it was the first film to ever be partially funded by the Sundance Institute.  Robert Redford is listed as an executive producer.  But, historical significance aside, there’s really not much about Promised Land to really recommend going to the effort to try to track it down.  It’s not so much bad as just very forgettable.