What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Confessions of a Go-Go Girl (dir. by Grant Harvey)

Posted on March 14, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, late, late last night, I was laying in bed, trying to get to sleep when I suddenly remembered that I had earlier recorded a movie called Confessions of a Go-Go Girl off of the Lifetime Movie Network. So I turned on the TV and I started watching, hoping that the movie would simply calm my racing mind and help me get to sleep. Instead, I found myself sitting up in bed for the next two hours, totally enraptured with this film.

After the first few minutes, I started to scream until my sister Erin woke up and rushed into my room. “What’s going on!?” she asked. “Erin,” I replied, “you have to watch this movie with me!” Erin stared at me for a few minutes before replying, “Oh my God, Lisa,” and then walking out of the room. So, after that, I started to call random friends, telling them about this movie. Unfortunately, most of them were already asleep since it was like 3 in the morning.

Anyway, long story short — I am really, really tired today! But enough about me. Let’s talk about Confessions of a Go-Go Girl.

Why Was I Watching It?

Okay, my friend Evelyn asked me this same question when I called her up last night at 3 in the morning and tried to convince her to come over and watch this with me. So, as I told her, “Oh. My. God. Are you like kidding me!? Confessions of a Go-Go Girl? How can you not watch it!?”

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that if “Confessions” appears in the title of a movie, there’s about a 75% chance that it’s going to be a lot of fun. And if that “Confessions” movie happens to be a Lifetime movie, than those chances increase to 99%.

Add to that, these aren’t just the confessions of a go-go dancer. No, they are the confessions of a go-go girl. In other words, the whole go-go thing isn’t just a job in this movie. It’s a lifestyle.

What’s It About?

It’s yet another Canadian film that’s found a home on the Lifetime Movie Network. In this one, Jane McCoy (played by Chelsea Hobbs) is a sweet and innocent aspiring actress who, in order to make some extra money, secretly takes a job as a “go-go dancer” at a sleazy bar. Under the influence of an older, cocaine-addicted dancer (played by Sarah Carter), Janet quickly starts a downward spiral of drugs, decadence, and alienation. As her new identity as a go-go girl starts to dominate her life, Jane soon finds herself growing distant from her wealthy family, her boring boyfriend, and her stridently scary drama teacher.

What Worked?

Oh my God, this is like the ultimate Lifetime movie. Over-the-top, melodramatic, awkwardly moralistic, and amazingly silly, Confessions of a Go-Go Girl is a camp masterpiece that simply has to be seen to be believed.

Nothing happens in this movie that you couldn’t predict within the first few minutes. The film’s genius is not that it does anything unexpected. Instead, it’s that it takes the expected to such an extreme. Listen, we all know, from the minute that Jane first dances, that she’s going to eventually end up becoming jaded and cynical. What we could never guess is that it’s pretty much going to happen right after the first dance. It’s kinda like one of those old anti-drug films where all it took was one puff off of a “marijuana cigarette.” One puff and you’re a giggling psycho. One dance and suddenly, your soul fades away. This is the type of film where we know that Jane has become a bad girl because she starts to part her hair down the middle and grow out her bangs.

Plus, as I’ve mentioned so many times before, I love to dance, I love to watch others dance, and if nothing else, this movie had a lot of dancing. Watching this movie, I was surprised to discover that sordid, Canadian go-go clubs apparently are capable of providing Broadway-style dance shows. I mean, I’m not big into strip clubs but, from my experience, most of them just seem to involve a runway, a pole, and a lot of plastic. I mean, it’s fun to grab onto that pole and spin around and go, “Wheeee!” but it’s not exactly exciting to watch (or, at least, it’s not for me). But in Canadian go-go clubs, the dance routines have elaborate costumes, ironic themes, and really impressive lighting. After watching this film, I realized that I really want to move up to Canada and become a go-go dancer. Seriously.

Eventually, Jane is approached by a rival go-go club promoter who tells her that he’s seen her perform and, “I remember you dancing in white panties.” This line highlights the fact that this film is obsessed with underwear. And that’s okay because, honestly, who isn’t? Watching this film reminded me of an ongoing debate that I have going with Erin concerning whether or not fancy, pretty, colorful lingerie more sexy than boring, blah, cotton, white underwear. This movie seemed, ultimately, to side with my sister in favor of the boring undies. Obviously, I disagree but the film still gave me a lot to think about. I don’t know, maybe I should start a poll or something. Do any of our male readers have an opinion on the underwear question? Please, use the comments section to let your voice be heard.

What Did Not Work?

When taken on its own terms, the entire film worked. If I’m secretly a kitty cat in human disguise than the Lifetime Movie Network is my catnip and that’s largely because of silly, over-the-top movies like this.

Actually, I do have one or two complaints. First off, the lead character is named Jane McCoy and oh my God, is that not just one of the most bleh names in history? Seriously, she should have been named Lisa Marie McCoy or something. Secondly, Jane’s boyfriend (played by Travis Milne) was soooo boring. I believe the character was named Eric but they might as have just named him “Plastic Man” because seriously, he had all the personality of one of the mannequins from those Old Navy commercials. To me, Eric’s character was defined by the moment when, as Jane went down on him, he said, “I don’t think I know you anymore.” Double bleh on him.

“OMG! Just like me!” Moments

Oh. My. God. There were so many of these moments that I don’t even know where to begin. I love dancing and I love having fun while I’m dancing so watching this film was kinda like peering in to my life in an alternative, Lifetime-based universe.

Lessons Learned

Apparently, I’m incapable of not relating everything I see to my own life. Also, I have absolutely no impulse control because I just ordered the 11 x 17 Confessions of a Go Go Girl movie poster off of Amazon.

6 Trailers For Clint Jun Gamboa

Posted on March 5, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As I type this, I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo ticked off. I just finished watching Thursday’s episode of American Idol and I now know that Clint Jun Gamboa did not make the final 13. Before trying out for this season of American Idol, Gamboa worked on the soundtrack for the infamous Tommy Wiseau film The Room. That’s right, the man who wrote “Crazy” and “Baby You And Me,” will not be competing for a chance to be the next American Idol. That’s just wrong. What’s even worse is that they sent Gamboa on his way without ever once acknowledging The Room. They could have at least given him a plastic spoon.

So, Clint Jun Gamboa, if you’re reading this, this latest edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Trailers is dedicated to you. Le monde est chié, Gamboa. Bonne chance.

1) A Boy And His Dog (1975)

Because it’s for Clint, let’s start out with a trailer for a classic, 1975’s A Boy and His Dog. Clint, if you’re feeling down — well, I don’t know you well enough to know if this movie will help or not. It’s kinda one of those you either get or you don’t.

2) Hi, Mom (1970)

Yes, I know. The title makes it sound like a prequel to the Room. “Oh hai, mom.” Actually, it’s just a very early film from director Brian DePalma. The movie also stars a very young and very unknown Robert De Niro.

3) The Harrad Experiment (1973)

This is one of those films that I’ve got on DVD but I need to rewatch it so I can review it. I do remember that the DVD transfer was so bad that it actually started out with one of those “this is made from the best copy we could find — it’s not our fault!” messages.

4) Two Thousand Maniacs (1964)

Yes, here is the trailer for the groundbreaking exploitation film from Herschel Gordon Lewis. Clint, this blood feast is for you.

5) Shriek of the Mutilated (1974)

I’ve got this one on DVD though I haven’t managed to stay awake through the entire film yet. But I just love that title.

6) Mad Doctor of Blood Island (1969)

Sadly enough, the Perfectly Sane, Kinda Boring Doctor of Blood Island was located just a block away but everyone was too busy with the mad doctor to notice.

Stay supple, Clint!

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The 83rd Annual Academy Awards

Posted on February 28, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the 83rd Annual Academy Awards.

Why Was I Watching It?

Why was I watching it? I was watching it because I love awards shows. I love them in all of their tacky, silly glory. I was watching for the clothes, the celebrity meltdowns, and the infamous acceptance speeches. I was watching because James Franco is hot and Anne Hathaway is adorable. I was watching because I loved Black Swan and I was only mildly impressed with the Social Network. I was watching because, as a film lover, my year starts and ends with the Oscar ceremony. You boys have got your super bowl. I’ve got my Academy Awards.

What Was It About

This year, the big question was would best picture be taken by the Social Network or by the King’s Speech. I predicted that the Social Network would win and I was wrong. The Academy gave best picture to The King’s Speech which, unlike Black Swan (my personal choice for best picture), is a film that is very easy to love. Don’t get me wrong. I loved The King’s Speech and, seeing as how I wasn’t exactly a huge fan of The Social Network, I can’t complain about the Academy’s decision (though apparently almost everyone else can).

By the way, as far as my Oscar predictions went, I ended up going 15 for 22. I correctly predicted all of the categories except for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, Best Foreign Language Film, Best Editing, Best Costume Design, and Best Cinematography. So, in other words, I correctly predicted all of the awards except for the ones that actually mattered. However, I am proud to say that, as the broadcast started, I predicted that it would last for 3 hours and 15 minutes and by God, I was right.

So there.

What Worked

Roger Ebert called last night’s ceremony the worst he had ever seen so I guess it’s no surprise that I actually enjoyed it. I certainly felt it was an improvement over last year’s ceremony which was pretty boring except for when Kathryn Bigelow won best director. There weren’t any endless tributes, self-congratulatory speeches about how important the film industry is for the survival of the world, and we didn’t have to sit through any pre-scripted, awkward banter between poorly matched presenters.

As for the hosts, James Franco appeared to have mentally checked out before the show actually started but he was nice to look at. Anne Hathaway, meanwhile, was a bundle of nervous energy and you know what? I would have been too. For the first time in my history of watching the Oscars, I could actually relate on a personal level to what was happening on the stage. I’ll take the charming awkwardness of Franco and Hathaway over Hugh Jackman any day. Ebert disagrees. He apparently tweeted that Kevin Spacey should host. And, if I ever felt like spending three and a half hours watching some smug jackass singing Under the Sea, I’d agree with him.

I liked the opening film montage, which featured Hathaway and Franco going into Alec Baldwin’s dreams in order to learn how to host the show. If nothing else, it paid tribute to just how much of a cultural phenomenon Inception actually was last year. (At the same time, it also pointed out just how ludicrous it is that Christopher Nolan — who is hot along with being a genius, by the way — was not nominated for best director.)

Probably my favorite presenters were Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. Kunis looked great and Timberlake won my heart all over again by announcing that he was actually Banksy.

The In Memoriam Tribute was actually pretty touching this year and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that the audience has finally figured out how inappropriate it is to break out into applause in the middle of it. A lot of viewers were apparently angered that Corey Haim wasn’t included. Personally, I was disappointed (but not surprised) to see that Jean Rollin was left out.

For me, the best acceptance speech came from David Seidler as he accepted his Oscar for writing The King’s Speech. His speech touched me as a former stutterer but on top of that, he delivered it with just the right amount of humility and humor. Aaron Sorkin could learn a thing or two from Mr. Seidler.

Finally, I said earlier that I was hoping for just one upset win to keep things interesting and, to my surprise, the show provided me one when Tom Hooper beat David Fincher for best director. Even among those who expected the King’s Speech to take best picture, the general assumption seemed to be that Fincher would win best director. Personally, I think Fincher would have won best director except for the fact that people tended to think of The Social Network as being an Aaron Sorkin film as opposed to a David Fincher film. In all of the preliminaries leading up the Oscars (the Golden Globes, the critics awards), the emphasis was always put on Sorkin’s screenplay as opposed to Fincher’s direction. David Fincher was almost treated as an after thought and, as a result, Tom Hooper won best director.

(Of course, personally, I was rooting for Darren Aronofsky.)

Of the nominated films, Black Swan was my favorite, followed by 127 Hours, Inception, Winter’s Bone, and the King’s Speech. I thought The Social Network was a good film but certainly not a great film and, to be honest, I’ve come to resent being told again and again by various online, self-appointed film gurus that my refusal to unconditionally love The Social Network is somehow an indication of a character defect on my part. Seriously, some of these Social Network partisans make the Avatar people look tolerant by comparison. I’m sure these people have spent last night and today ranting their little hearts out about how the Academy sucks and how The Social Network is clearly the greatest film ever made. And to them, all I can say is get over it. If you were watching the Academy Awards because you seriously felt that the awards actually mean anything, then you’ve obviously still got a lot of growing up to do.

That said, I make no apologies for being ticked off over the award for Best Feature Documentary but more about that below.

What Didn’t Work

Well, I’ll get the big one out of the way first. This was the only time I actually got angry while watching last night’s show. I’m talking, of course, about Inside Job winning best documentary. This upset me even though I had actually predicted that Inside Job would defeat Exit Through The Gift Shop. My objection comes down to this — Inside Job was the Capt. Hindsight of documentaries this year. Inside Job was basically a documentary that told us what we already know and then encouraged us to pat ourselves on the back for agreeing. In a year that was actually a pretty good one for documentaries, Inside Job was the least challenging of all of the nominees and therefore, I guess it’s not a shock that it won. Meanwhile, Exit Through The Gift Shop — a film which should have been nominated for best picture — was ignored.

Add to that, I was really hoping for a chance to see how Banksy would accept the award or if he would even show up at all (or if he would turn out to be Justin Timberlake). Instead, I got the director of Inside Job going, “You know, nobody’s been arrested for the bad economy yet.” Well, if that’s what you think should happen then go to talk to the people who make and enforce laws. But you’re on an awards show, buddy. And if you think anyone watching an awards show is going to take action just because of some comment you weakly muttered during your acceptance speech, then you really are out of touch with reality.

We were reminded one too many times that we were watching “the young and hip Oscars.” The young and hip Oscars would not have featured Celine Dion singing.

I really wish the Oscars would stop trying to force some artificial “theme” on each year’s ceremony. This year, they took time to celebrate “the greatest films” of Oscar Past. The problem, of course, is that most of the greatest films of Oscar past didn’t win best picture. Usually, they ended up losing to movies like How Green Was My Valley, The Greatest Show on Earth, and Crash.

Aaron Sorkin won best adapted screenplay as we all knew he would and, as usual, he came across as smug and condescending during his acceptance speech. The whole, “Daddy’s an Oscar winner now…” thing would have been touching if not for the fact that it’s been used at least once at every single Oscar ceremony in history.

Trent Reznor did not say, “I want to fuck you like an animal” while accepting his award for scoring The Social Network. However, I must say, Trent cleans up well.

Technically, yes, James Franco was not real impressive as co-host. The general consensus on twitter was that he was stoned but I can’t say too much against him because he’s James Franco. Even when he showed up in drag, he was still James Franco. I know some people looked at Franco last night and thought, He’s not even trying. I looked at Franco and thought, yum…..

“Oh my God! Just Like Me!” Moments

There were a few and most of them had to do with Anne Hathaway. Most of the comments on twitter concerning Hathaway’s performance as host were not kind but I don’t care. I love her and I think her lack of polish was actually rather adorable. If I was hosting the Oscars, I would probably take a few moments to brag about my dress as well. I know I’d certainly probably start giggling at random moments. I also know that I’d probably get a little bit annoyed with James Franco’s lack of commitment to the show as well but you know what? I’d still get all sorts of naked with him after the show because he’s James Franco and he just does things to me.

(If anything, last night’s show proved that the difference between a hot guy and all other guys is that a hot guy can get away with it.)

My other big “Oh my God! Just like me!” moment came when Melissa Leo won for best supporting actress for the Fighter and dropped the F-bomb on national TV. I would so do that too. I mean, it’s an Oscar! God knows what I’d end up saying if I ever got one.

Lessons Learned:

I’ve seriously got a thing for James Franco.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Survivor: Redemption Island (Episode 1)

Posted on February 17, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the first episode of Survivor: Redemption Island.

Why Was I Watching It?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — I love reality television and Survivor pretty much set the bar for the entire genre. Yes, yes, I know. Everyone wants to spend a few hours talking about how terrible reality television is and how they deserve all sorts of cookies because they don’t watch it. Well, you know what? Have fun patting yourself on the back. I’ll be watching Survivor.

What’s It About?

A group of sixteen strangers are stranded on a beach in Nicaragua where they compete for prizes and scheme against each other until there’s only one survivor left standing. As in previous seasons, all of this is hosted by Jeff Probst who, with each season, makes less and less effort to hide the utter contempt that he feels for most of the survivors. Probst still spends too much time trying to show off his dimples but you can’t help but love the man.

This season, there are big two twists, neither one of which is a real twist because they’ve both been done in previous seasons. The big twist is that whenever a survivor is voted off the island, they’re sent to Redemption Island where they wait for the chance to reenter the game at a later date.

The other twist — and this is the one that people actually care about — is that two of the most iconic “villains” in Survivor history are back this season. “Boston” Rob Mariano and Russell Hantz are both back and playing once again. On last night’s episode, the 16 new players were divided into two tribes. As usual, the two tribes were given names based on some obscure piece of historical trivia but for the sake of simplicity, we’ll just call them Team Rob and Team Russell.

What Worked:

I’ll admit that when I first heard that Russell and Rob were coning back, I wasn’t exactly enthused about the idea. I love Rob and always have but I’ve just about reached my limit as far as Russell is concerned. During his first season, Russell was my favorite because he was just so blatantly villainous and he never wasted any time with all of that silly talk of “playing the game with honor” that so many other survivors have tried to sell in the past. Plus, he was funny. However, about halfway through the Heroes Vs. Villains season, I started to get tired of Russell. Unlike Rob who is always thinking and competing, Russell seemed to be a one trick pony.

Well, I’m sorry to say that Russell hasn’t changed but since everyone on Team Russell seems to have seen his previous seasons, it doesn’t seem likely that Russell’s going to get that far in the game and if he does, I can’t wait to see how he managed to pull off the impossible.

Plus, Russell wasn’t really in much of this episode. This episode was all Rob and I love Rob.

And then there’s Philip.

Philip is on Team Rob. He’s a tall, outspoken, bald man who happens to also be a former federal agent. I know this because he mentioned that fact a few thousand times. He also spent way too much time this episode wandering around in these saggy fuchsia briefs. Seriously, if you’re going to be on Survivor then you know you’re going to be filmed in your underwear at some point. So, seriously, give some thought to what you’re wearing underneath, okay? Me, if I’m ever on Survivor, I’m going to go on a shopping spree at Victoria’s Secret the week before I leave for the beach. Immunity Idol? Who needs an Immunity Idol when you’ve got the right bra? Seriously.

But, anyway, back to Philip. Philip is one of those priceless survivors who you hate but you hope they’re around for a really long time. Seriously, he’s so self-righteous and so full of himself and so stupid and so unaware that he makes for great reality television.

During last night’s episode, Philip “entered” into an alliance with Francesca and Kristine. Kristine had found the immunity idol (I get the feeling that nobody on the Survivor production team making much of an effort to hide them anymore) and the three of them attempted to execute a power move by voting out Rob. However, this plan fell apart at tribal council when Philip, for some reason, ended up explaining the entire plot along with mentioning that Kristine had the immunity idol. End result: Francesca was voted out. It was a classic Survivor moment, a perfect reminder of why I love this show. It’s just so shameless.

What Didn’t Work:

I’m not a huge fan of the whole idea of Redemption Island. The whole idea of a someone getting voted off the island just to get to come back later on in the game has been done before on Survivor and it didn’t work out well. The someone in question was a middle-aged woman named Lil who went through the entire game wearing a Scoutmaster’s uniform. Lil was voted off early, came back late, and nearly won simply because she hadn’t been around for the previous few weeks. It felt unfair at the time.

However, there is a huge difference in that this season, everyone knows about “the twist” whereas previously, it really was a complete surprise on everyone. Whether that’ll make a difference has yet to be seen.

Of course, it’s also rare that any of the new gimmicks on Survivor ever really make that much of a difference in the overall game. Remember Exile Island? Even more importantly, can you remember the last time that an immunity idol actually made a huge difference in the final outcome of the season? As opposed to the producers of Big Brother (who really seem to think that the audience is really into each season’s new twist), the people behind Survivor appear to understand that the main reason we watch is to see how much weight everyone loses while scheming against each other.

“Oh My God! Just like Me!” Moments

There’s always quite a few of these whenever I watch any episode of Survivor because, like a lot of reality TV fans, I tend to place myself in each episode and debate what I would have done. And while we always like to tell ourselves that we would have done the complete opposite of whatever foolishness we’ve just witnessed, we all know better. Whenever I watch this show and I see someone totally failing in a physical competition, accidentally blabbing on until everyone votes for her just to make her shut up, or have a meltdown on-screen, I know that I’m seeing what would happen if I ever actually made it onto Survivor. That’s also the same feeling that I get whenever I see some poor girl go through several episodes with a mass of pixels over either her boobs or her ass. I’ve sat there and shouted, “That would so be me!”

(Actually, I don’t do that as often ever since I was watching an episode over at my sister Melissa’s place and she said, “That already is you, Lisa Marie.”)

Anyway, on last night’s episode, I found myself hiding my face in shame as Francesca, Kristina, and Philip basically gave away their entire strategy during tribal council, announcing how they were planning to vote out Rob before anyone had actually voted and while Rob was sitting less than a foot away. That’s a perfect example of one of those moments that make us shout, “You idiots!” even though we know we’d probably make the exact same mistake.

Also, it was clear that most of Team Rob was crushing on Rob and I don’t blame them because you know what? Rob Marciano is hot! The new gray in his hair just serves to make him even hotter.

(Guys are so lucky in that regard. I thought I found a gray hair a few days ago and I ripped it out of my head and oh my God, it hurt! And then it turned out it wasn’t even gray, it was just a lighter shade of red and the light was hitting it in an awkward way.)

By the way, here’s my strategy of how I’ll win if I’m ever on Survivor: Boobs, boobs, and more boobs. Like, the whole way to tribal council, I would be the one going, “Do you really want to vote these out?” I would also probably try to fly under the radar, be everyone’s friend, and flirt a lot with all the males. Of course, once we merged, then it would be time to go all girl power and start voting them out one-by-one. But, for the most part, my strategy would come down to: boobs, boobs, boobs.

Lessons Learned:

Be wary of former federal agents in fuchsia briefs.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Super Bowl Half-Time Show

Posted on February 6, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As I type this, it is a little after midnight which means that technically, I did watch the Super Bowl Half-Time Show last night.

Why Was I Watching It?

To be honest, this was the first Super Bowl I’ve ever actually seen. I’m not totally sure but I think this was also the first time that I’ve ever actually seen an entire football game. I wasn’t planning on watching the Super Bowl. As a matter of fact, I had already turned down an invitation to go to a super bowl party at my sister Megan’s precisely because I had decided I had no interest in watching the game. I also turned down an invitation to go watch the game with Jeff’s family. Instead, I thought I’d simply take advantage of everyone else watching the game by spending all of Sunday on a nice, big shopping spree. However, about two hours into that spree, my asthma started to act up so I came home early, turned on the TV, and there was the game. So, I left the game on while I did some online shopping (I nearly bought this until I noticed that it cost $725!) and then once I got onto twitter, everyone was talking about the game so I continued to watch the game and I ended up having so much fun commenting on it that I ended up watching the entire thing. I do have to admit that I was, for the most part, completely and totally lost as to what was going on but no matter. I had fun.

Anyway, once I started kinda watching the game, I realized there was no way I couldn’t watch the Super Bowl Half-Time Show.

What’s It About?

Apparently, every year, some other band plays the Super Bowl during half-time. This year, the band turned out to be the Black-Eyed Peas. I have something of a girlcrush on Fergie. Or at least I did until I saw the half-time show.

What Worked?

Uhmm…maybe this would work better if we start with what didn’t work.

What Didn’t Work?

Pretty much the entire show. The Black Eyed Peas have been performing this exact same show for a few hundred years now and they could pretty much do it in their sleep which is what they appeared to be doing here.

However, just saying that the Black Eyed Peas looked bored — well, that doesn’t begin to explain why this show inspired thousands of people to stare at their TV and scream, “Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off!” like George C. Scott in Hardcore. It’s not just that the show was bad — it was that it was bad in so many different ways and, in each case, it stretched the boundaries of what had previously been considered to be a believable level of failure.

Hence, Will.i.am not only appeared to have been replaced by a robot but he appeared to have been replaced by a robot that was actually Cartman underneath a cardboard box. Fergie — who, in the past, I felt never got enough credit (her performance in Nine was one of the few exciting moments in that film) — was not only pitchy but actually sounded like she was auditioning for American Idol. The two other Black-Eyed Peas were — well, who really cares about them?

Then you had the dancers in the neon costumes who all looked like they had wandered off of the set of Tron. And, seriously, do we really want to be reminded of Tron at this point?

And then, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, Usher showed up. “Look,” I said to my cat, “Usher’s still alive.” “Meow,” the cat replied. Usher sang a few notes that pretty much evaporated in the stadium and then jumped in the air and did the splits. Which I guess would have been impressive except for the fact that he’s Usher and guys aren’t supposed to be able to do the splits like that.

I’m sure I could come up with a few more things that didn’t work but, quite frankly, I think my mind is repressing them right now.

What Worked?

Twitter. In the nearly two years that I’ve been on twitter, I have never seen everyone as united as they were in their general ridicule of the Super Bowl halftime show. So, in a strange way, the Black Eyed Peas brought the world together for about 15 minutes.

Here’s a few of my own tweets from the Half-Time Show:

Uhmm…is the half-time show a tribute to Tron? Where’s Jeff Bridges?

lol, Fergie couldn’t wait to get away from the rest of the Black Eyed Peas.

The Black-Eyed Peas are reminding me of that Stop Smoking Act from that episode of South Park.

The reason the crowd is cheering is b/c they can’t hear the Black Eyed Peas. That stadium is huge.

Oh good. I was just thinking that only Usher could save the half-time show.

And so, sadly, ends my girlcrush on Fergie.

Oh My God! Just Like Me! Moments

I can’t sing that well either.

Lessons Learned

The Black Eyed Peas are about to reach that point where they end up with a reality show on VH1.

NBC Still Doesn’t Understand The Internet

Posted on February 4, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

A few days ago, an old clip from the Today Show showed up on YouTube. That clip was from 1994 and it featured Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel trying to figure out what the Internet is. Apparently, the clip was posted by an employee of NBC. If you’ve seen the clip, you already know that while it’s mildly amusing, it’s also pretty tame.

Well, NBC didn’t see it that way because they’ve responded by 1) firing the guy who posted it and 2) pulling the clip off of YouTube so quickly that you’d think the NBC offices are located in either Egypt or Iran.

Well — joke’s on you, NBC. As my friend Ron always reminds me whenever I post a picture on plixi during Thong Thursday, the Internet is forever and now, so is that clip.

So, here’s one of the many copies of that clip that can be found on YouTube. See it now before NBC demands that it be pulled down.

(Incidentally, my mom always hated Bryant Gumbel and I can still remember, when I was 13 or maybe 14, laughing so hard when my mom turned on the TV and was greeted by his image. “Pendejo,” she said as she changed the channel.)

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Love Sick: Secrets of a Sex Addict (dir. by Grant Harvey)

Posted on February 1, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Tuesday night, as the temperature outside plunged down to 13 degrees and the ice continued to build up on the street outside, I watched Love Sick: Secrets of a Sex Addict on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Why Was I Watching It?

Uhmmm…hello? Check out the title.

What Was It About?

This is one of those movies that starts with “Based on a True Story” and then continues on with “Some names and details have been changed.” So, in other words, this is all true except for the parts that are false. (Actually, this film is based on a memoir by Sue Silverman.)

Sally Pressman stars as Sue Silverman. Sue is a writer. While she battles writer’s block, her husband spends his time going to work and then coming home and whining about it. Apparently, every day, he comes home, refuses to have sex, and says something like, “You could get a job…” Or, hey, buddy — here’s what you could do: adjust your bra and stop crying like a little bitch. Seriously.

(Frequently asked question: When is the right time to call a man bitch? Any time he starts acting like one.)

Anyway, Sue responds to this by going out and sleeping with every man in Canada with the exception of her husband and who can blame her when you consider that her husband is a little bitch.

Soon, Sue is undressing whenever she find herself alone with a man — any man. Her obsession with sex soon brings an end to her marriage and eventually Sue is forced to go through one of those pain-in-the-ass interventions where everyone sits around and goes, “You’re addiction has harmed me in the following ways: 1) you borrowed money to spend on lingerie and you have yet to pay me back, 2) you missed my birthday party, 3) you fucked my husband…”

So, poor Sue ends up at the rehab place where the whole thing is like tough love and all “You will obey these rules or we’ll kick you out. So there!” Among the many rules: “No masturbation, no lingerie, no smoking, no avoiding eating, no throwing up…” Uhm, fascist much?

(And also, what type of man leaves his wife because she wants to have sex? Seriously, what a toadsucker.)

What Worked?

Oh, it all worked. This was pure Lifetime Movie goodness in that it took a whole lot of serious issues and then presented them in such a way that made it impossible to take any of it seriously. Ominous music, over-the-top dramatic line readings, and finally, a therapist who says exactly the right thing and magically makes all of the problems disappear.

Plus, I love that title.

What Didn’t Work?

Technically, the acting was pretty bad (with the exception of Sally Pressman) and the film dragged once Sue got into therapy. But who cares? Just check out that title.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Towards the end of the film, Sue says that knowing she was desired was occasionally the only thing that she could cling to, the only thing that allowed her to maintain her fragile sense of identity. I’ve been there. Who hasn’t?

I also share Sue’s obsession with black underwear. Seriously, you can’t look bad in black lingerie.

Lessons Learned

Some men, apparently, actually do say “Not tonight, I’m tired” when it comes to sex. I’m still having a hard time buying that one.

Rehab is not fun.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Doing Time On Maple Drive (dir. by Ken Olin)

Posted on January 29, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Early Friday morning, I found myself watching an old school made-for-TV movie, Doing Time On Maple Drive, on the Lifetime Movie Network. If you’ve heard of this film, it’s probably because it features a kinda young Jim Carrey in a supporting role.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because when it’s 3 a.m. and you’re getting hit by the old insomnia curse, what’s a girl to do put turn on the TV and change the channel to the Lifetime Movie Network?

What’s It About?

The Carters appear to be the perfect American family. They’ve got a beautiful house in the suburbs (on Maple Drive, no less), the children are all handsome and intelligent, the dad is a succesful businessman, the mom a perfect homemaker, and blah blah blah. You know how this is going to turn out already, don’t you? Dad is actually an overly competitive jerk, mom is in denial, the daughter is a neurotic mess, the youngest son is a closeted homosexual, and the oldest child is Jim Carrey. He’s also an alcoholic and he claims that his name is actually Tim but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still Jim Carrey.

What Worked?

Tolstoy once said that all happy families are the same but that each unhappy family is unique. The family in this film is unique because — well, oh my God, how dysfunctional can you be? Not only do you have the judgmental parents and the alcoholic son but you’ve got the frigid daughter and the self-loathing gay son. Just using one of these stock characters would have made the film’s storyline seem familiar and predictable. However, tossing all of them into the mix and you’ve got an old school camp classic, complete with dramatic monologues, scary silences, and all the rest. Though this was originally made and shown by Fox, Doing Time On Maple Drive really does take the beloved Lifetime Family Drama formula to its most logical extreme.

The film is also pretty well-acted and features some familiar faces for those of us who love horror and exploitation films. For instance, the gay son is played by William McNamara who, if you’re an Argento fan, you may remember his extremely graphic death scene in Opera.

Making the film even more odd, McNamara’s character is engaged to Alison, who is played by Lori Loughlin, the mom from 90210. How often do you get to see a mix of Argento, 90210, and Jim Carrey on screen?

What Didn’t Work?

Jim Carrey! Don’t get me wrong, Jim did a good enough job playing his role but the whole time you’re watching the film, you keep thinking “that’s not Tim the alcoholic, that’s Jim Carrey.”

What’s ironic about that, of course, is that Jim Carrey is probably the only reason why anyone ever chooses to watch Doing Time On Maple Drive. Well, Jim Carrey and insomnia.

(As a sidenote, Jim Carrey had to deliver the line, “I’ve done my time on Maple Drive,” which, of course, meant I had to yell, “We have a title!”)

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moments

During one dramatic moment, Alison tells her boyfriend, “What’s funny is a part of me always suspected you might be gay…” This line made me cringe just because I said the exact same thing to one of my ex-boyfriends once. He started crying. It was just kinda awkward.

Lessons Learned

If you ever meet the “perfect” family, run away.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Road House (dir. by Rowdy Herrington)

Posted on January 24, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The other night, I watched an old Patrick Swayze movie called Road House. The movie was on Channel 64, which is also known as the Ion Network. Anyway, the movie started at 8:00 and I was really, really tired for some reason so, as the movie started, I made the mistake of grabbing a pillow and curling up on the couch with the cat and, no offense to the memory of Patrick Swayze but, as soon as he showed up on my TV screen, my eye lid started to get so heavy. My sister Erin sat down beside me and said, “Are you falling asleep?” “No,” I said and then I was out like a light.

Luckily, Erin turned on the DVR as soon as she heard the sound of my asthmatic wheeze of a snore so when I woke up at 3 in the morning, I sat up and proceeded to watch the final 80 minutes of Road House.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because almost every guy I know seems to be in love with this movie. When Patrick Swayze died, I though about Dirty Dancing and Donnie Darko. But almost every guy I know — from my friend Jeff to my cousins in Arkansas to my boss at work to my online friends on twitter — was going, “Road House!” So, I watched it to see if I could maybe understand what makes the male mind tick. Plus, I was bored and really, really tired. And I couldn’t find the remote to change the channel. (Turns out it was actually underneath me, lost in the cushions of the couch.)

What’s It About

Patrick Swayze plays Dalton, who is apparently a legendary “cooler,” which apparently is what you call a bouncer who thinks he’s too good to be called a bouncer. He get hired to be a boun–oh, sorry, a cooler — at a bar called the Double Deuce that is located down in Jasper, Missouri. So, Swayze goes down there and starts cleaning the place up and then it turns out that the entire town is controlled by Brad Wesley (played with a true joie de vivre by Ben Gazzara) and Wesley wants…well, I’m not sure what he wants, to be honest. I mean, seriously, I was so tired when I started watching this movie. I’m sure I missed all sorts of nuance and such. But anyway, Gazzara wants something and Swayze won’t let him have it so there’s a lot of fights at the road house and a car dealer ship gets destroyed and a barn blows up and then eventually Patrick Swayze rips out some guy’s throat with his bare hands.

In between all of this, Swayze recruits his mentor (Sam Elliott) to come down and help out. This leads to Elliott getting murdered but nobody ever thinks to say, “Hey, Patrick — maybe if you had just let Gazzara do his thing, Sam Elliott would still be alive today.” Also, Swayze romances a local doctor played by Kelly Lynch. She used to be Gazzara’s girlfriend and she gets upset after seeing Swayze rip out someone’s throat with his bare hands. But then she ends up skinny dipping with him about fifteen minutes later so I guess she got over it.

Did I mention that Patrick Swayze rips out someone’s throat with his bare hands?

What Worked

Road House is one of those “so-bad-its-good” type films. This is a film that sets out to be manly and ends up being so manly that it becomes ludicrous. But guys are almost always fun to watch when they’re trying to be all guy-like. (Though not always, as will be discussed under the heading of What Didn’t Work.)

Ben Gazzara is a lot of fun in the role of Brad Wesley. Seriously, he looks like he had so much fun playing the part. Usually, it annoys me when a film’s main female character is revealed to be the ex of a total and complete psycho (and I’m looking at you, Love and Other Drugs) but it totally works here because seriously, Ben Gazzara is the man.

And Sam Elliott provides all sorts of grizzled, beer-soaked, chain-smoking, unwashed sexiness.

The film features a lot of countryside that doesn’t look much like Missouri but it’s still really pretty. (Missouri’s really pretty too. You rock, Missouri!)

Since this film was being shown on television, all of the bare asses and visible nipples were edited out as were all the four-letter words. However, it was that really weird, half-ass style of editing where you hear Patrick Swayze yelling, “FU—-CK YOU, WESLEY!” Also, whenever anyone said the F-word, a big blurry dot suddenly appeared over their mouth. That may not sound like much but at 3 in the morning, it really can cause you to giggle.

At one point, one of the bad guys grabs Patrick Swayze from behind and goes, “I used to FU—-CK Guys like you in prison!” That line made me laugh way too much. Plus, the guy saying it was really hot but then Patrick Swayze used his bare hands to rip out of the guy’s throat and that kind of ruined the whole mood.

What Didn’t Work

Well, technically, the entire film didn’t work but that’s kind of the whole point. Still, for a film that’s supposed to be so bad that it’s good, Road House is still not that good. It never quite reaches the level of Troll 2 or The Room. Quite frankly, there’s waaaaaaaaaay too much testosterone rampaging through this movie and the whole time I watched, I kept on thinking about the violence that seems to define day-to-day existence for far too many people.

Add to that, all of the men seemed to be beating each other up mainly because they were all actually in love with each other but refused to be honest with themselves about it. Seriously, this movie has some issues.

Plus, Ben Gazzara ends up dead at the end of the film which really upset me because he’s the most likable character in the entire film! At the very least, he’s got a really nice house.

Both Swayze and Elliott are apparently meant to be legendary bouncers. They’re so legendary that apparently everyone on the entire planet knows who they are. Now, I’m curious — are there really legendary bouncers? I mean, is there like an in-house magazine that all the coolers and bouncers and barmaids subscribe to? Maybe Patrick Swayze’s character was on the cover a few times. I mean, I can accept that maybe Swayze would be legendary in a few cities were he had worked but would the citizens of Jasper, Missouri really have the slightest idea who he is?

“Oh My God! Just like me!” Moments

Uhmmm…I’m thinking. There really weren’t any moments that made me go, “Oh my God! Just like me!” I mean, I don’t know Tae Kwon Do, I don’t really drink all that much, I’ve never ripped out anyone’s throat with my bare hands, I’ve never fired a shotgun at Ben Gazzara, and I don’t cover myself in body oil before going outside shirtless and practicing Tai Chi.

Oh, wait a minute! Much like Kelly Lynch in this movie, I would probably totally freak out if my boyfriend ripped out some guy’s throat. In fact, I would probably freak out even more than she did. I mean, even if — like Patrick Swayze in this movie — he made things right by dumping the corpse in a lake and then screaming, “FUCK YOU!” at Ben Gazzara, there’s no way you’d get me to go skinny dipping with him after all of that. Because the whole time, I would just be like, “That’s great you got everyone to kill Ben Gazzara, sweetie but seriously, I saw you rip someone’s larynx out of their freaking throat. So, just stand six feet away and keep your hands where I can see them.”

Agck! Now, I’m kinda freaking out about my own throat. I mean, is it that easy to do? *Shudder* I probably never should have given this that much thought…

Lessons Learned:

Protect your throat at all times. Seriously, I’m going to start wearing a stainless steel choker every time I leave the house.

Falling Skies (Official Trailer)

Posted on January 23, 2011 by Arleigh

It looks like while vampires and zombies may be battling it out as the “monster of the moment” the past couple of years there’s an oldie quietly sneaking up behind them to try and take up the general public’s attention.

The first shot was a little film from South Africa called District 9. I think more than a few people saw that little film. Then last year we had a film from two special-effects brothers called Skyline. That particular shot wasn’t as good as the previous title mentioned. In fact, it was godawful though not without it’s perverse entertainment value one gets from watching a very awful film that still manages to entertain (though probably not in the way it’s creators intended to).

In less than a couple of months a film called Battle: Los Angeles will hit the bigscreen and will hopefully be a tad better than the similar plotted Skyline. This one has another South African directing it so that may be a good thing.

Coming this June is a tv series that also follows a similar theme of “alien invasion” with the DreamWorks Television series Falling Skies from producer Steven Spielberg and screeenwriter Robert Rodat. The show will premiere on TNT and stars Noah Wylie, Moon Bloodgood, Will Patton and Dale Dye. From what brief snippets of information that has been released about it the show looks to be similar in tone to Spielberg’s own War of the Worlds where it’s about the human armed resistance trying to retake their cities and the planet back from the alien invaders.

It definitely seems to be a very ambitious show and one that hopefully has a much leaner and efficient take on the alien invasion story than the current remake of V: The Series on ABC. That one had many hoping for a sci-fi to make a great return to network tv and instead we got aliens meets True Blood.

Here’s to hoping Falling Skies doesn’t have aliens wanting to have sex with humans and instead aliens just wanting to kill and/or eat humans instead. I think that would make for a much better show.