Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!
This week, Aphrodite comes to Fantasy Island, along with Marcia Brady!
Episode 3.18 “Aphrodite/Dr. Jekyll and Miss Hyde”
(Dir by Rod Holcomb, originally aired on February 2nd, 1980)
This week, Maureen McCormick returns to Fantasy Island!
The former Marcia Brady is playing Jennifer Griffin, the younger sister of renowned psychiatrist Melanie Griffin (Rosemary Forsyth). Jennifer is dating a total lout named Ross Hayden (Don Stroud) and Melanie’s fantasy is to understand why women like her sister are irresistibly drawn to bad boys.
(Because bad boys are sexy rebels who don’t let anyone tell them what to do and just need the right woman to bring out their sensitive side. It’s not that complicated!)
Roarke gives Melanie a vial of a blue serum that he claims is the same serum that Dr. Henry Jekyll used to transform himself into Edward Hyde. Roarke warns Melanie that she should only drink two drops of the serum at a time. Melanie does so and is transformed into the sexy Lilah, who dances up a storm at a nightclub and wins the attention of Ross, who is there with Jennifer. Somehow, Jennifer does not realize that Liliah is her old sister, despite the fact that Lilah is essentially just Melanie wearing a wig and a little more makeup than usual.
Ross, however, does figure out that Melanie is actually Lilah. Ross confronts Melanie in her cabin and forces her to drink the ENTIRE serum, as opposed to just the two drops. Melanie is transformed into an growling old woman with bad teeth. She ends up chasing Ross through the jungle, carrying a knife and growling at him until Mr. Roarke suddenly pops up and uses his magic powers to transforms Melanie back to her normal self. Roarke suggests that Melanie should think about why she has so much anger towards men and …. wait a minute. Does Roarke not realize that Ross basically just drugged Melanie and tried to force himself on her? Why is it suddenly on Melanie to figure out why she doesn’t like men like Ross?
Anyway, Jennifer dumps Ross and she and Melanie leave Fantasy Island together. We don’t see Ross leave Fantasy Island so I’m going to guess that he’s still somewhere in the jungle.
Speaking of the jungle, that’s where Professor Alan Blair (George Maharis) finds the lost temple of Aphrodite!
Alan’s fantasy is to find the perfect woman, who he believes to be Aphrodite despite the fact that anyone who is at all TV savvy knows that the perfect woman for Alan is actually his colleague, Minnie Hale (Belinda Montgomery). No sooner does Alan find the temple than a statue of Aphrodite comes to life. Alan and Aphrodite (played by Britt Ekland) make love all night and the next morning, Alan announces, “Aphrodite and I are getting married!”
However, it soon turns out that Aphrodite — much like that mermaid who tried to down John Saxon a few episodes ago — is all about destroying her lovers. Soon, Alan is flying into a rage whenever anyone so much as looks at Aphrodite and Aphrodite is trying to convince Alan to stay with her in her temple forever. Fortunately, Mr. Roarke shows up at the temple and announces that Aphrodite isn’t real because she’s just Alan fantasy. Mr. Roake isn’t even phased by the lightening bolt that Aphrodite tosses at him. Aphrodite is transformed back into a statue and Minnie reveals that her fantasy was that Alan would fall in love with her.
This was an extremely campy and silly episode, which also means that it was a lot of fun. Between Britt Ekland inviting every man to come to her cave and Rosemary Forsyth chasing Don Stroud with a knife, this episode was a nonstop parade of weirdness and it’s hard not to wish that it had served as a template for every episode of Fantasy Island. This week, the trip to the Island was definitely worth it!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Cafe, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Frank and Fay get involved in a case of ghost noir!
Episode 1.2 “Dying Well Is The Best Revenge”
(Dir by Armand Mastroianni, originally aired on March 6th, 1992)
This week’s episode of Nightmare Café begins with Frank and Fay feeling pretty comfortable in their new roles of working at the café under the watchful eye of Blackie. I guess some time has passed since the pilot, as both Frank and Fay seem to be totally okay with the fact that they’re both dead and destined to spend the rest of their existence working as, respectively, a cook and a waitress.
Don’t get me wrong, of course. There’s nothing wrong with being a cook or a waitress. If I was a waitress, I would definitely want to work for Robert Englund and get to wear a cute uniform like Fay does. I think what is throwing me is that Fay and Frank seem to be so comfortable with the idea of being dead. It would take me a bit longer to accept that.
As for tonight’s episode, the action starts when a sultry woman named Angela (Beth Toussaint) enters the café and asks for a cup of coffee. Frank immediately starts flirting with her and Angela flirts back in typical film noir fashion. All of the flirting ends, though, when Angela’s husband, Edward (Justin Deas), stumbles into the café, his face bloodied from apparently being attacked outside while he was waiting for Angela. Angela and Edward leave but Angela later returns so that she can talk to Frank.
Angela claims that Edward is abusive. Frank leaves the café so that he can visit Angela at home and eventually sleep with her. (Fay and Blackie watch on the television.) Fay doesn’t trust Angela, especially after her previous lover — a country club tennis pro (Andrew Airlie) — is mysteriously run over by a hit-and-run-driver. As Fay puts it, she thinks that Frank could be putting his life at risk. But, the thing with that is that Frank and Fay are already dead. That was established in the pilot. So, if Frank is already dead, how is he putting his life at risk? For that matter, if Frank and Fay are dead and the Nightmare Café is basically a dimensional portal, how are they both able to casually leave the café and walk around town? I mean, are they dead and in purgatory or not? Seriously, what are the rules of the Nightmare Café?
Eventually, Edward confronts Frank and Angela and Frank …. SHOOTS HIM! Well, I guess since Frank is dead, he can be a murderer. Except, in a clever twist, it turns out that Edward was already dead and the Nightmare Café gave him a second chance to prove that Angela was the one who set up his murder. When Angela tries to put Edward in the trunk of her car, Edward suddenly gets out of the trunk and Angela shoots him several times. Edward pretends to die once again, allowing the police to arrest Angela for murder. The episode ends with Angela in prison, with Edward as her ghostly companion.
So, as I said earlier, I’m still not sure what the rules of the Nightmare Café are supposed to be and, in this episode, it felt like Frank and Fay could basically just do whatever was convenient to the plot. That’s a bit of a problem because, when there are no rules, there aren’t any stakes either. That said, this episode was helped immensely by the friendly charm of Robert Englund. Blackie didn’t really get involved in the storyline but he did break the fourth wall and talk directly to the audience a few times and Englund delivered the lines with just the right amount of cheery sarcasm. Robert Englund definitely kept things entertaining!
On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, the title character (Page Fletcher) continues to come across the worst people on the planet.
This time, that person is Eric Coleman (Ray Sharkey), a once great photographer who now makes a disreputable living taking pictures of celebrities and tragedies. When Eric has a chance to stop a woman’s suicide, he instead decides to take pictures. His new assistant goes out of her way to make Eric feel the error of his ways.
This episode features a convincingly sleazy performance from Ray Sharkey. Eric Coleman is a character who you will definitely want to see receive his comeuppance.
This episode originally aired on April 29th, 1989.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, the squad loses a member!
Episode 1.5 “Calderone’s Return: The Hit List”
(Dir by Richard A. Colla, originally aired on October 19th, 1984)
This episode opens with Sonny Crockett …. shaving!
That’s right. After four episodes featuring Sonny with stubble, he finally shaves in this one. Tubbs is shocked to see it. However, Sonny has a good reason for shaving because he is due in divorce court, where he hopes that he can keep his soon to be ex-wife from taking his son to Georgia.
At the courthouse, Sonny and Caroline (Belinda Montgomery) take one look at each other and realize that they don’t want to give up on their marriage. They cancel the hearing and fire their attorneys. Caroline says that she’ll find a job in Miami and the Crockett family will stay together.
Yay! It’s a good thing Sonny shaved.
Unfortunately, the pilot’s main bad guy, Calderone, wants to return to Miami and he’s sent an assassin (Jim Zubiena) to not only take out his potential rivals but also to kill the cops who he blames for his downfall. When Tubbs and Rodriguez discover that Crockett is the 8th name on the assassin’s hit list and that six of the previous names are already dead, Rodriguez orders Crockett to go into productive custody. Knowing that Crockett has trouble with following orders, Lt. Rodriguez personally escorts Sonny to his boat so that Sonny can pack. When Rodriguez spots the reflection of a muzzle on a nearby building, Rodriguez pushes Sonny out of the way just as the Assassin pulls the trigger. Rodriguez takes the bullet that was meant for Sonny.
And I have to admit that I was a bit upset by Rodriguez getting shot, despite the fact that Rodriguez wasn’t a particularly well-developed character. He was the typical tough chief with a secret heart of gold and, for the most part, his brief role on the show consisted of barking at Sonny to do things by the book. But still, Gregory Sierra was a likable actor and, as a result, Rodriguez always came across as being nice even when he was angry at Crockett. Technically, the reason Rodriguez sacrificed his life was because Sierra requested to be written off the show. In the world of Miami Vice, though, Rodriguez’s death gave both Crockett and Tubbs even more motivation to seek revenge on Calderone.
But, before Crockett and Tubbs can head down to the Bahamas to get Calderone, they have to take care of the Assassin. After an hour of chases, misdirections, and one wonderfully over-the-top nightclub brawl, Crockett and the Assassin face each other in Crockett’s house, firing bullets at each other while Crockett’s wife and son cower in another room. It’s an exciting fight, containing one particularly memorable moment when the Assassin appears to be firing his machine gun directly at the camera. The Assassin was played by Jim Zubiena, who is a professional marksman and was a gun advisor on the set. The Assassin doesn’t say one word but he’s still terrifying precisely because he obviously knows how to handle a gun. In the end, it takes the entire Vice Squad to gun him down and it’s nice to see Crockett and Tubbs finally being helped out in a gunfight by Gina, Trudy, Switek, and Zito.
The Assassin may be dead but Calderone still lives. After Crockett tells his shaken wife that he’ll reschedule their divorce hearing, he and Tubbs head for the Bahamas as part one of Calderone’s Revenge comes to a close.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!
Oh my God, is Mr. Raditch a racist!? We’ll find out this week.
Episode 1.3 “The Experiment”
(Dir by Clarke Mackey, originally aired on February 1st, 1987)
Joey Jeremiah’s a drug dealer!?
I am stunned! Seriously, on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Joey was the grown-up who was always giving the teenagers a hard time for being irresponsible. When his stepson, Craig Manning, got hooked on cocaine, Joey sent off to rehab and didn’t even bother to show up at the airport to say goodbye! And yet, with this episode, we discover that, in junior high, Joey Jeremiah sold pills.
Now, I should point out that they were just vitamin pills. Joey told Melanie (Sara Ballingall) and Kathleen (Rebecca Haines) that the pills were actual drugs that would get them high but, as he explained to Wheels, he was just doing that to make some money. In fact, Joey tells Wheels that he deserves a lot of credit for keeping Melanie and Kathleen off of hard drugs! That said, Melanie and Kathleen both fool themselves into thinking they’ve gotten high and they ask Joey to get them even more drugs. In fact, Melanie and Kathleen bring some of their friends with them so that everyone can get high!
Meanwhile, Yick and Arthur have a problem of their own. Yick thinks that Mr. Raditch is biased against him because Raditch is constantly criticizing Yick for being disorganized. He even refers to Yick as being “Mr. Yu the Disorganized.” In order to test whether or not Mr. Raditich is prejudiced against Yick, Arthur takes a paper that Stephanie wrote for Mr. Raditch the previous year and he has Yick turn it in as his own work. Yick finally gets a good grade! But just to make sure that Mr. Raditch isn’t prejudiced, Yick turns in a second paper that was originally written by Stephanie. This time, Mr. Raditch recognizes the paper as having been originally written by Stephanie.
This leads to an absolutely brilliantly played scene, in which Mr. Raditch interrogates Yick and Arthur in front of the class about why they’ve been turning in Stephanie’s work as Yick’s own. While Yick attempts to explain why he feels that Mr. Raditch is prejudiced against him, Kathleen, Melanie, and their dumb friends keep laughing loudly because they’re convinced that they’re all stoned even though they’re not. Mr. Raditch, needless to say, is not amused.
Anyway, things work out in the end. After Stephanie asks Joey if he’s really a drug dealer, Joey confesses the truth. Unfortunately, for him, his confession is overheard by Melanie and Kathleen and Joey ends up being chased down a hallway by a bunch of angry, wannabe drug addicts. Meanwhile, in detention, Yick writes a paper about stereotypes and how difficult it is to be called Mr. Yu the Disorganized. Both Yick and Mr. Raditch realize the errors of their way. Yick and Arthur leave school to play basketball together, but not before locking Joey in the janitor’s closet.
Episode 1.4 “The Cover-up”
(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on February 8th, 1987)
School picture day is coming up and Stephanie is freaking out because, if she wears the frumpy clothes that she wears around the house, everyone will laugh at her. But if she wears her trampy school clothes, her mom will know the truth about how Stephanie changes whenever she gets to school. As usual, Voula smirks about it and refuses to give Stephanie any advice, largely because Voula is the absolutely worst. (Not everyone wants to dress like they shop at the American Girl store, Voula.) In the end, Stephanie wears her trampy clothes to picture day and good for her! Seriously, dress however you want.
While this is going on, Caitlin (Stacie Mistysyn) and her friend Susie (Sarah Charlesworth) try to get the mysterious Rick (Craig Driscoll) to smile. They tell him jokes. They were pig noses. Rick, however, has little to smile about because, as Joey discovers, Rick is being beaten by his father. When Joey asks the school secretary what he should do if he knows someone who is getting beaten, the secretary misunderstands Joey’s comment and calls Child Protective Services on Joey’s parents! (It doesn’t help that Joey has a black eye as the result of a skateboarding accident.) Fortunately, the very Canadian social worker guy figures out that Rick is the one who is being beaten and he arranges for Rick’s father to get some help and for Rick to stay with his older brother. The next day, at school, Rick smiles!
This was a significant episode because it featured the first Caitlin storyline. Caitlin, of course, is destined to become one of the most important characters in Degrassi history, with her love story with Joey destined to take over 20 years to play out. Of course, in this episode, she’s more interested in Rick. (Rick, for his part, feels like an early version of Sean Cameron, Degrassi: The Next Generation‘s resident troubled bad boy.)
Anyway, these were two good episodes. It’s kind of interesting to watch as Joey Jeremiah goes from being an annoying prankster to basically the center of just about storyline.
Next week: it’s time for a Canadian swimming competition!
Tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker is a stylish homage to noir, starring Meg Foster as a femme fatale who is not quite as blind as she pretends to be. This episode was directed by Phillip Noyce, who was also responsible for a film about an actual blind person, Blind Fury. Interestingly enough, that film also featured Meg Foster, though in a very different role than the one that she plays here.
This episode originally aired on April 22nd, 1989.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewingthe Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Check It Out is a show that I recently came across on Tubi. It’s a Canadian sitcom from the late 80s, one that took place in grocery store. Don Adams starred as Howard Bannister, the store’s manager. Dinah Christie played Edna, who was Howard’s girlfriend and secretary. Kathleen Laskey, Aaron Schwartz, and Tonya Williams played cashiers. Jeff Pustil played the assistant manager. The security guard was played by Henry Beckman and Simon Reynolds played a teenage bagboy. Since I had never heard of this show before, I figured why not review it? What’s the worst that could happen?
Besides, check out the totally funky theme song!
Episode 1.1 “No Security In Security”
(Dir by Ari Dikijian, originally aired on October 2nd, 1985)
Welcome to Cobb’s, perhaps the most depressing location that I’ve ever seen for a Canadian sitcom. Cobb’s is a grocery store and, interestingly enough, it actually looks like a grocery store, with cheap displays, bored employees, and floors that you can tell are probably sticky. Usually, most sitcoms — especially sitcoms that aired in the 80s — go out of their way to try to look inviting. From the minute we see Cobb’s, the show seems to be telling us, “Run away! Shop elsewhere!”
As the pilot opens, store manager Howard Bannister (Don Adams) watches as a security specialist named Vicker (Gordon Clapp) installs several new security cameras. Howard asks what channels the cameras get. Vicker replies that you can watch produce, you can watch the front doors, and you can watch the registers. Howard weakly tries to explain that he was making a joke. It goes over Vicker’s head.
You know what isn’t a joke? The fact that Mrs. Cobb (Barbara Hamilton), the fearsome owner of the store, now expects Howard to fire Alf (Henry Beckham), the ancient security guard who has been working at Cobb’s for his entire life. Howard is reluctant to fire an old man, despite the fact that everyone keeps talking about the fact that Alf is not that good at his job. The assistant manager, Jack Christian (Jeff Pustil), volunteers to do the firing but Howard says that it’s the type of the thing that should be done by the manager. After getting an angry visit from Mrs. Cobb, Howard takes Alf outside and fires him. Alf responds by punching Howard in the stomach.
Well, I guess it’s a good thing that they fired Alf! Seriously, violence is never the answer! Still, Howard feels so guilty that he can’t perform sexually with his girlfriend and secretary, Edna Moseley (Dinah Christie). But, don’t worry! Alf calls in a bomb threat and gets his job back….
Seriously, that’s the plot of the first episode. It’s a plot that had some potential. One of The Office‘s best episodes was the Halloween episode where Michael was forced to fire Devin. On The Office, the story was more about Michael’s fear of being the bad guy than the actual firing. Michael knows that he has to fire someone but he’s just scared to death of getting anyone mad at him. Things are a bit less complicated on Check it Out. Alf is terrible at his job but Howard doesn’t want to fire him because he’s old. Fortunately, all it takes is a fake bomb threat to get Alf’s job back.
It was a bit of a forgettable episode, though it introduced the characters and that’s what a pilot is supposed to do. The main problem is that, with the exception of Gordon Clapp’s performance as Vicker, the episode itself just wasn’t that funny.
Maybe the second episode was an improvement! We’ll find out next week!
This has been an exhausting week. Getting sick with the flu during the last week of September set me behind as far as my Horrorthon plans were concerned and this week has been extra busy as a result. I’ve been working very hard and it’s been very emotionally rewarding but still, I’ve been pretty busy over the past eight days or so. So, I didn’t want much television this week but still, here are some thoughts on what I did watch!
The Amazing Race (Wednesday Night, CBS)
My favorite reality show has been back for two weeks now and I have yet to get to really sit down and focus on it. The first week, I was sick with the flu and I could barely focus on what was going on. Then, this week, a huge storm came up while the show was airing and, as a result, the local weather people interrupted the show and then refused to leave. It was very frustrating! I know the show is on Paramount Plus. Hopefully, I’ll get a chance to rewatch both episodes on Sunday.
I came across this old Canadian sitcom about a supermarket on Tubi. I watched the first episode earlier today and my review will be dropping here in about two hours.
Dr. Phil (YouTube)
I watched an episode on Monday that featured a former high school guidance counselor who, after having emergency surgery to remove her gall bladder, fell into paranoia and drug addiction and ended up living in her RV. At the end of the episode, she agreed to get some help but, to be honest, she seemed kind of beyond saving.
I continued to watch and pick episodes of The Hitchhiker for this year’s horrorthon. You can find the episodes that I selected on this site, under “Horror on TV.” My favorite thing about this show is, without a doubt, the extremely melodramatic monologues of Page Fletcher’s hitchhiker.
On Friday night, I watched an episode of Night Flight that was about music videos with science fiction themes. I followed this with another episode that dealt with the top “new music of 1985.”
This week, the Prime Minister had to make serious budget cuts, which worried Sir Humphrey as it could have possibly led to the Civil Service not getting their usual pay raise. Fortunately, Sir Humphrey was able to trick Jim into giving him what he wanted. As always, the episodes where Sir Humphrey is the one doing the tricking and the manipulating are the best.
On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, Michael Woods plays a cocky gigolo who spends the weekend at a cabin with an alcoholic director (Jerry Orbach) and his sultry wife (Season Hubley). When Hubley suggests that Woods murder her husband, it seems like a standard noir-situation but it become obvious that Orbach is not quite as clueless as Woods assumed. Who is playing which game?
This is an enjoyable episode, largely due to the performance of the wonderful Jerry Orbach. This episode originally aired on May 12th, 1987.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week is all about love and punishment!
Episode 2.13 “A Love Story”
(Dir by James Komack & Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on December 30th, 1976)
Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Pete and Aunt Priscilla and how they won “a lot of money in the sweepstakes.”
In class, Gabe is teaching about the Spanish-American War when Freddie comes in doing the “She Loves Me/She Loves Me Not” routine with a daisy. Freddie is followed by a new student named Carmen (Lisa Mordente), who hands Gabe a note.
“Dear Mr. Kotter,” it reads, “please excuse my daughter’s violent temper. Don’t get her mad and she won’t have to deck you. Signed, Epstein’s Sister’s Mother.”
That’s right, Carmen is Epstein’s sister! When Epstein says, “What’s my baby sister doing in this class!?,” Carmen attacks him and throws him on top of Gabe’s desk.
After Gabe seperates the siblings, he introduces her to the class. Epstein can only watch in horror as Barbarino says, “You really filled out,” and Horshack says, “I want you have your children.”
Fortunately, the bell rings and school ends. Horshack stays after class to tell Kotter that he’s now in love with Carmen Epstein. Gabe encorages him to have confidence and ask out anyone that he wants to ask out.
Meanwhile, Epstein goes to the principal’s office with Carmen so that he can ask his best friend, Principal Lazarus, to transfer Carmen out of the Sweathogs. While Epstein talks to Lazarus, Horshack enters the office and approaches Carmen. When Horshack sees that Carmen is carrying a trumpet, Horshack says that he love the trumpet. Carmen plays a terrible version of Three Blind Mice for him. Horshack asks Carmen to go out with him but Barbarino walks into the office and asks Carmen to come with him. As anyone would, Carmen abandons Horshack for Barbarino. “I might even let you ask me out on Saturday,” Barbarino tells Carmen. Awwwwwww! Barbrino!
Gabe steps into the office and, as Horshack tells Gabe about what happened, Freddie steps into the room and reads a poem that he’s written for his new love. Epstein comes out of Lazarus’s office at the same time that Woodman is coming out of his office. Epstein warns Woodman that Lazarus doesn’t like him. This leads to a vintage Woodman meltdown as he points out that not only is his office smaller than Lazarus’s but his American flag only has 13 stars. “I’m plotting a mutiny,” Woodman says, “You can join, Kotter!” As Woodman plots to take over the school, Freddie mentions that he saw Barbarino heading down to the boardwalk with Carmen. Epstein announces that he’s going to kill Barbarino.
In the very next scene, Epstein has been chained to a locker and Horshack is still talking about how he just wants to devote his life to Carmen. Freddie suggests that maybe Epstein should give Horshack his blessings to date Carmen to keep Carmen away from Barbarino. Epstein agrees because he figures that Horshack won’t “try anything” with his sister. However, as soon as Horshack starts to rehearse what he’s going to say to Carmen, Epstein starts to shout, “STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER! STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER!”
The next day, in class, Gabe announces that they’re going to use the last few minutes of class to talk about love. He asks Vinny to explain what love means to him.
“Love,” Barbarino says, “mean never having to hear I’m pregnant.”
Epstein flies into a rage telling Barbarino to stop hitting on Carmen. Barbarino replies, “I’ve got a disease!” No, not that type of disease. It’s a disaease that Barbarino calls “Girlitis” and it requires him to hit on every girl he sees. Horshack then starts yelling at Barbarino, saying that Barbarino that he has no idea what it’s like to be alone. Carmen announces that Horshack has guts and “I like a man with guts!” Carmen then shows that she can take care of herself by beating up her brother.
Horshack literally picks up Carmen in his arms and announces that he wants to show her his shell collection under the boardwalk.
“YOU’RE GOING TO DIE, ARNOLD!” Epstein yells.
Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that Carmen Epstein has transferred out of his class. Oh, okay. I guess that takes care of that plotline. Gabe tells Julie a joke about the time his sister Eileen lost a tooth and figured out that Gabe was the tooth fairy.
This is another one of those episodes that worked because it largely focused on how the four main Sweathogs related to each other. Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, and John Travolta all had a tremendous amount of chemistry and it’s always fun to watch them play off of each other. Ron Palillo occasionally went bit overboard but, with a character like Horshack, I imagine it was probably impossible not to. That said, Palillo more than held his own in this episode and his awkward flirting with Carmen was actually rather sweet. I still would have gone for Barbarino.
Episode 2.14 “Caruso’s Way”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 6th, 1977)
Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was an inventor and who invented a deodorant called Invisible because, when it was worn, no one would want to acknowledge you. This leads to usual pity laughs from Julie.
At school, Gabe tries to teach about the War of 1812. (“When did it start?” Horshack asks.) Gabe notices that Barbarino is not in class and asks if anyone has seen him. Epstein says that Barbarino was fooling around in gym class and doing his “Ba-Baa-Baaa-Barbarino” dance and Coach Caruso ordered him to stay after class.
When Barbarino finally arrives at Gabe’s class, everyone wants to know what happened but a visibly shaken Barbarino insists that nothing happened and asks Gabe to resume teaching about the War of 1812. (Even Gabe is shocked.) When Epstein says he’d rather here about the “war between Vinny and Caruso,” Gabe announces that it’s Barbarino’s business and they’re not going to discuss what happened between Barbarino and Caruso.
On cue, Woodman enters the classroom and he says that he needs to discuss what happened between Barbarino and Caruso. Woodman says that he’s hearing rumors that Caruso hit Barbarino in front of the Girls Gym Class. “There are rules againt hitting students, even Sweathogs,” Woodman says, “I don’t know why.” Barbarino denies that Caruso hit him and Woodman leaves.
However, after the bell rings, Barbarino tells Gabe, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack that Caruso did hit him but that he’s got a plan to get revenge but he can’t reveal it. Gabe suggests that Barbarino “cool down about it” before doing anything foolish.
Later, Barbarino drops in on Gabe and Julie at their apartment and you can literally see Julie (or maybe just Marcia Strassman) light up at the idea of sharing a scene with John Travolta as opposed to just with Gabe Kaplan.
Barbarino asks them if they watched the news and if they saw any reports on what happened between him and Caruso. Gabe jokes that they broke into “Bowling for Dentures” to report on it. “Really?” Barbarino asks. Awwwwwwww! Poor Barbarino!
Gabe and Julie try to dissuade Barbarino from hitting Caruso back. Barbarino says that he’s thinking of borrowing his uncle’s cement truck and using it to drive over Caruso. Gabe tells Barbarino a story about what happened when Gabe’s friend Bonzo Moretti was slapped by Caruso. Bonzo went to his parents but Barbarino says that telling his parents would just lead to his mother praying for something bad to happen to Caruso. After suggesting that Julie stock the kitchen with Danish and root beer for anyone who might drop by, Barbarino leaves.
The next day, Gabe talks to Woodman and asks Woodman would he would do if “two of your teachers had a confrontation.”
“Fire you,” Woodman replies.
Coach Caruso (played by veteran tough guy actor, Scott Brady) steps into Gabe’s classroom and, after Woodman leaves, they discuss the Barbarino situation. In a very well-acted scene (seriously, this episode features Gabe Kaplan at his most sincere), Gabe tells Caruso that, when he was a student, it bothered him when he heard about Caruso hitting kids. “Now that I’m a teacher, it bothers me even more.” Gabe explains that Caruso took away Barbarino’s pride and asks Caruso to apologize to him. Caruso refuses, saying that he his own pride to think of. Gabe convinces Caruso to come back to the classroom in the afternoon, so that Barbarino can apologize to him and Caruso can apologize back and they can both retain their pride.
However, when Caruso shows up in class and Barbarino apologizes, Caruso refuses to return the apology. (What a jerk!) Instead, Caruso challenges Barbarino to an arm wrestling contest.
“How macho!” Horshack exclaims.
Barbarino wins the arm wrestling contest! Yay! Caruso warmly congratulates Barbarino and leaves. In the hallways, Caruso confesses to letting Barbarino beat him. “When you went to school here,” Caruso says, “I taught you. Today, you taught me.” Awwwwwwww!
Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about the time his Uncle Moe went to Miami Beach and jumped into a pool that he had been told was lukewarm, just to discover it was freezing. “How could you say that water was lukewarm!?” Moe demanded of another vacatinor. “I don’t know, look warm to me .”
This was a great episode, featuring the young John Travolta at his sensitive best and also giving Gabe Kaplan a chance to show off that he actually could act. Barbarino regained his pride, Coach Caruso learned how to be a better teacher, and Woodman continued to be Woodman.
Through the Shattered Lens 