Film Review: Tammy and the T-Rex (1994, dir. Stewart Raffill)


Title Screen

You read the name and you know it sucks. Then that title screen pops up. Oh, my God! It looks like a 2nd grader made that, but it’s oh so perfect. You know why? Because this movie is as childish as that screen implies. The only thing wrong with it is that the title is too short. It should have been called Tammy, the T-Rex, and the African Queen. No, not because it has anything to do with the Hepburn movie, but because of this.

This!

This!

It’s two for the price of one! Not only do we get a gay stereotype, but one that is also a black stereotype. But what do you expect? The movie is made by the same guy who directed Mannequin: On The Move, which had a similar character. He also wrote and directed Mac and Me. The character’s name is Byron (Theo Forsett). So, what happens in this movie when Byron isn’t passing out or someone is saying not to bend over near him?

Testicular Standoff

Testicular Standoff

I’m not making that up! One of the two cops who shows up actually calls it that. Those are two high school guys trying to crush each other’s genitals with their bare hands. Wanna know something else? That’s Paul Walker on the right. Yep, that Paul Walker. Need it to be even dumber, since the fact that this carries on for several minutes isn’t enough. It turns out Walker, I mean Michael, is faking it because he’s actually wearing a cup. If you can’t tell whether you are holding male genitals or a piece of plastic then you are in real trouble. Why are they doing this? Well, of course for the heart of Denise Richards who plays Tammy! It’s everyone’s dream to have two men fight over them this way. Oh, and that shot of Byron above is from this scene. He seems to be turned on by it. Oh, this movie. Now comes the T-Rex.

The T-Rex

I know this is a lousy VHS print of the movie, but I can’t imagine how much worse this must look in HD. The plot goes like this. Michael shows up at Tammy’s place for a little action. Poppy Montgomery, in clearly her finest performance, sees Michael climbing up to Tammy’s room and calls in the other guy who fought with Michael earlier at school. Just as Tammy is finally gonna get a little something, in comes the bad guy with his friends in a scene reminiscent of A Clockwork Orange. They take Michael away to the Wild Animal Park. They couldn’t come up with a better name. Michael is left to get mauled by a lion. What happens next is right up there with the vagina snake scene at the beginning of Lady Terminator.

A mad scientist and his girl show up at the hospital, pretend Michael is dead, then steal his body out from under the nose of Tammy, Byron, both of which pass out on the floor, and the one member of Michael’s family who also happens to drink like a fish. Then they cut open Michael’s head and put his brain into a T-Rex. Yep, that’s how it happens. What follows is Michael the T-Rex seeking revenge on all the people who have wronged him.

The Got Milk? Guy

The Got Milk? Guy

The funniest death is easily when the guy from the original Got Milk? commercial gets killed after peeing on the T-Rex. Oh, and Michael the T-Rex also makes a phone call.

He actually tries to leave a message for Tammy!

He actually tries to leave a message for Tammy!

What follows are stupid deaths, stupid gay jokes, and one of the fakest things I have seen in a long time. Feast your eyes!

This will move you to tears.

This will move you to tears.

The ending is so absurd that I won’t even…who am I kidding? No one is going to seek this out. It ends like this.

An American Werewolf In London death

An American Werewolf In London death

Denise Richards does a sexy dance

Denise Richards does a sexy dance

And Paul Walker's brain sparks with excitement.

And Paul Walker’s brain sparks with excitement.

After unsuccessfully trying to find Michael’s body, they simple put his brain in Tammy’s room, attach it to a camera, and she dances for him. It’s amazing these movies exist. I don’t know how we made it out of the 1990’s. There’s an Italian R-rated version of this movie with a few deleted scenes. I watched them. Let’s end this review with one of them.

Like a compass

Like a compass

What Lisa Watched Last Night #129: Accidental Obsession (dir by George Erschbamer)


Last night, I watched the Lifetime premiere of Accidental Obsession.

Caroline Cave stars in Accidental Obsession

Caroline Cave stars in Accidental Obsession

Why Was I Watching It?

After A Deadly Adoption, Trigger Point, and Lethal Seduction, it is obvious that Lifetime is on a roll.  In the future, when we look back at the history of Lifetime movies, 2015 will definitely be seen as a high point.  Naturally, how could I not excited by the idea of a Lifetime movie premiering on Sunday?  Surely, Accidental Obsession would prove to be yet another Lifetime masterpiece…

What Was It About?

After Carly (Caroline Cave) escapes from a mental asylum, she murders and steals the identity of a travel writer named Vanessa.  She then manages to meet and befriend an attorney named Heather (Josie Davis).

Within a matter of days, Vanessa has become clingy and possessive.  Not only does she regularly break into Heather’s house but she borrows Heather’s clothes without asking as well!  (Breaking and entering is one thing.  Borrowing without asking permission is something else all together!)  However, it turns out that Vanessa is not the only person obsessed with Heather.  There’s also Heather’s ex-husband, Ray (Sebastian Spence) and a private investigator named Jack (Marc Menard).

(This movie could have just as easily been called Everyone Loves Heather.)

How far will Vanessa go to have Heather all to herself?  Well, Vanessa is kind of a crazy stabby psycho so you can probably guess what ends up happening.

What Worked?

Josie Davis is a Lifetime veteran and, as a result, she knew exactly the right type of performance to give in a film like Accidental Obsession.  As well, Caroline Cave gave a good performance as the psycho Vanessa.

What Did Not Work?

Sad to say, this was definitely a lesser Lifetime film.  The film opens with Carly stabbing Vanessa to death with a huge butcher knife.  Despite the fact that Carly stabbed Vanessa repeatedly, there’s absolutely no blood seen on the knife or Carly afterwards.  It was distracting and it pretty much set the tone for the entire film.  Accidental Obsession definitely felt like a movie that was too rushed to pay much attention to details like blood.

Naturally, all Lifetime film require a certain suspension of disbelief.  Accidental Obsession required a bit too much suspending.  For the entire film’s plot to even come close to making sense, Heather had to be a total and complete idiot.  And it’s true that there are idiots out there but they usually don’t make for compelling protagonists.

There’s also a scene of totally gratuitous animal cruelty.  While I understand that the filmmakers were trying to show us how crazy and dangerous Vanessa really was, those two facts had already been pretty firmly established.  As a result, the scene just felt sadistic and unnecessary.

Finally, Accidental Obsession is way too generic of a title.  Add to that, no one’s obsession was really accidental.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

You meet someone, you try to be nice, and the next thing you know, that person is determined to be a part of every minute of your life.  Yes, Lifetime, I’ve been there…

Lessons Learned

Be suspicious of people who steal identities, want to be your best friend, and attempt to stab your ex-husband to death.  They’re probably up to no good.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #128: Lethal Seduction (dir by Nancy Leopardi)


Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Lethal Seduction!

dina-meyer-at-lethal-seduction-2015-stills_3

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on Lifetime, of course!  Plus, with a name like Lethal Seduction, you knew it had to be good.  It’s not quite as great a title as A Deadly Adoption or Babysitter’s Black Book but it’s close.

What Was It About?

Mark Richards (Caleb Ruminer) seems like he has a great future ahead of him.  He’s a high school senior who has invented a new app and who is going to be attending Princeton in the fall.  Sweet Melanie (Tessa Harnetiaux) has a crush on him.  His best friend, Walter (Sam Lerner), is so desperately uncool that he makes Mark look really hot by comparison.  His widowed mother, Tanya (Amanda Detmer), is extremely overprotective but, fortunately, she’s being distracted by her new boyfriend, Randy (Brian Smith).

(Randy and Tanya work at the local aquarium and the entire film is full of oddly pensive close-ups of sharks and jellyfish swimming around.  They don’t have anything to do with the plot but they are pretty to look at.)

One day, while at the hardware store, Mark meets Carissa (Dina Meyer).  Carissa invites Mark home with her and soon, Mark is showering with Carissa, swimming naked with Carissa, having sex with Carissa, and getting handcuffed by Carissa.  (And why not?  App developers are sexy!)  Walter is jealous.  Melanie is scared.  And Tanya does not approve, especially after Carissa starts to encourage Mark to skip college and instead, move in with her.

That’s right, Carissa is an obsessive and homicidal cougar!  And, just in case you needed any reminded that she’s crazy, the film is called Lethal Seduction…

What Worked?

This film was a lot of fun.  Frequent TSL commenter Doc Zeke and I had a lot of fun live tweeting it over on twitter.  The film is totally melodramatic, over the top, and ridiculous in that wonderful Lifetime fashion.  It was all very silly but it was a lot of fun as well.

Plus, Dina Meyer fully committed herself to playing the murderous Carissa.  She gleefully attacked the role with almost as much energy that Carissa devoted to attacking anyone who dared to stand between her and Mark.

What Did Not Work?

The film is full of close-ups of sharks and yet the sharks themselves are never really relevant to the plot.  Don’t introduce a shark unless someone’s going to end up getting eaten by the end of the film.

“OMG!  Just like me!” Moments

I related to Melanie.  It’s unfortunate that neither Mark nor fate treated her better.

Lessons Learned

All of Mark’s troubles could have been avoided if he had just listened to his mother and done exactly what she said.  That’s actually a pretty common Lifetime lesson.

Trash Film Guru Vs. The Summer Blockbusters : “Terminator Genisys”


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Patrick Lussier just can’t catch a break.

Think about it : after toiling away in tinseltown as an editor for a couple of decades, he finally hits it semi-big as a director with the (go on, admit it) deliriously fun and sleazy 3-D remake of My Bloody Valentine in 2009. Since then? Well, shit — it’s all been downhill.

Apparently he was then considered Hollywood’s new “go-to guy” for 3-D flicks for all of about five minutes, but when his next one — the (again, go on and admit it) flat-out awesome Drive Angry tanked at the box office in spectacular fashion, it was back to the editing room (or, as is most likely the case, laptop) for poor ol’ Pat. And again, most of the movies he worked on — like the criminally-underappreciated Apollo 18  — were way better than their tepid reception among audiences and critics (but what do they know, anyway?) would indicate. Other projects his name was attached to, like Halloween 3 (and no, I’m not talking about Season Of The Witch), failed to materialize altogether.

Then comes another big break — hell, the biggest break of all — out of the blue. The long-shelved script he wrote (or co-wrote, as the final credits would indicate, since it was later tinkered with by Laeta Kalogridis) for yet another Terminator sequel/reboot was “back on” at Paramount, with Alan Taylor of Thor : The Dark World  “fame” slated to direct. It even had a name : Terminator Genisys. And Lussier would be getting an executive producer credit on this big-budget blockbuster as well.

So what happens? It absolutely tanks at the ticket windows. And so the hard-luck saga of Patrick Lussier continues. I predict we’ll next see him as an editor on Paranormal Activity 9 or Insidious Chapter 6.

All of which is one heck of a shame because, once again contrary to popular belief, Terminator Genisys is actually pretty damn good stuff.

terminator-genisys-super-bowl-ad-debuts

Damn good stupid stuff, to be sure, but so what? Apologies to all the James Cameron fans out there who don’t like to acknowledge this simple fact, but  1984’s original The Terminator had much more in common — both in budgetary and stylistic terms — with the Roger Corman fare that the future director of Titanic and Avatar cut his teeth on than it did with the billion-dollar bonanzas for which its auteur would eventually become famous. In point of fact, it’s essentially one of the last low-budget sci-fi exploitation pictures that didn’t go straight to video. And it’s absolutely awesome.

I’m not here to tell you that Terminator Genisys is as good as that was. Shit, it’s not even close. But it is much closer to the original in spirit than it is to the later, much-more-lavish sequels/prequels — the last two of which, Terminator 3 : Rise Of The Machines and Terminator Salvation, were positively atrocious. This, at least, feels like a “proper” Terminator flick again.

Are there plot holes big enough to plow an armored tank through? Absolutely. But that’s just part and parcel of the goings-on with a movie of this nature — and besides, they engage in this sort of “timey-wimey” gimmickry on Doctor Who all the time these days, and it’s praised as “quality” television rather than the cheap and obvious stunt it is (and speaking of Doctor Who, don’t blink — sorry, couldn’t resist! — or you’ll miss Matt Smith in this). I’ll take it served up as it is here without any pretense towards faux-intellectualism, thank you very much. And anyway, are people really complaining about getting to see present-day Old Arnold Schwarzenegger duking it out vs. CGI-reconstructed Young Arnold Schwarzenegger? Where’s your sense of fun, folks?

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I guess it all just depends on who you ask. While Terminator Genisys currently “enjoys” a rather atrocious 21% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, where the critics hold court, it’s faring much better on the IMDB scorecard, where the fans have their say, with a perfectly respectable 7.1 out of 10. In other words, real people like this movie.

And what’s not to like? We’ve got “liquid metal” T-1000s squaring off against Ah-nuld’s earlier T-800 model. We’ve got cheesy one-liners galore. We’ve got a new plot twist involving John Connor (here played by Jason Clarke) that’s actually interesting. We’ve got a reasonably dashing new hero in the form of Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney). We’ve got Oscar winner J.K. Simmons doing the “old man tilting at windmills who no one else will listen to” role that he’s perfected down to a science (when he’s not selling his soul to Farmers Insurance, that is). We’ve got explosions, aerial battles, and likable good guys vs. suitably despicable bad guys. We’ve got an amped-up version of the internet that’s out to destroy the world, with requisite Luddite authorial sympathies attached. And, oh yeah, we’ve got this grin —

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My only gripe is that Emilia Clarke just plain can’t cut it as Sarah Connor. She tries her best, sure, but she’s no Linda Hamilton. Consequently, her love story with Courtney’s Kyle Reese ends up falling a little flat. But that’s small potatoes compared to everything Taylor and company (including, of course, Lussier) get right here — rather than trying to one-up the original, which never really worked anyway, they just set out to add a worthy celluloid appendage to it. When looked at that way, Terminator Genisys is — against all odds and the loud chorus of naysayers out there — a tremendous success indeed.

Val’s Movie Roundup #1


I wanted to write about two gems today, but I don’t feel well. Today is as good a day as any to start this series of posts. I watch a lot of movies and I just can’t write full posts about each and every one. Instead, I am going to do little roundups like this from time to time. Here we go.

Talking Skateboard

The Skateboard Kid (1993) – When I was a kid, a piece of wood on wheels could make you cool. Studios knew this, so many stupid skateboarding movies were made. This was one of them. But this one has a twist. Ready for this? The skateboard talks! And it flies! To make matters worse, Dom DeLuise voices the skateboard. Stay away! Watch the Francis movies instead.

Another Talking Skateboard

The Skateboard Kid II (1995) – What do you do when a bad movie about a talking flying skateboard comes out? Make a sequel of course! But this one has two things different about it. One, the skateboard becomes possessed by Turhan Bey. Don’t recognize the name? He actually dated Lana Turner back in the day. Also, the movie was executively produced by Jim Wynorski. He made Chopping Mall back in the 80’s and the softcore porn film Sexually Bugged! in 2014. Haven’t seen the first one yet, but the second one stinks to high heaven. No wonder he directed it under the name Sam Pepperman. This Skateboard Kid is actually better than the first if you can believe that.

Time Barbarians

Time Barbarians (1990) – The movie starts in olden times. There’s a stupid warrior, a stupid amulet, stupid bad guys, and it takes an hour or so for all three to wind up in Los Angeles. It’s like waiting for Godzilla to appear in the 2014 version. Once they get there it gets as dumb as you think. He not only can block bullets with his sword, but bullets fired from an automatic weapon. That’s some fine work! Can you believe this actually came out before The Beastmaster did the same thing with it’s sequel?

Howard The Duck

Howard The Duck (1986) – Yeah, I finally watched this movie. I don’t know why it has the reputation it does. Maybe people were not familiar with what a bad movie truly was at the time or they made the mistake of worshipping a director. I’m leaning more towards the second since you see people spend years trying to find ways to defend bad movies made by otherwise good directors. It’s not good, but it’s stupid campy fun. Harmless. The major issue with the film is that they tried to make it like E.T. in that it’s almost all about getting Howard back home. I think audiences would have preferred more of the wisecracking fun and much less of the child friendly material. Still, I enjoyed it more than Iron Man 2 & 3 so it’s a better Marvel movie than those and they have received praise.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #127: Her Infidelity (dir by Christie Will)


Last night, I watched Her Infidelity, a Lifetime film that’s been sitting on my DVR since April.

HIWhy Was I Watching It?

I recently discovered that I only had room on my DVR to record another 10 hours worth of programming.  With SyFy scheduled to show several original shark films next weekend, I knew that I had to make room on the DVR.  Otherwise, I would run the risk of the DVR automatically deleting the oldest recordings and I am sorry but there is no way that I’m going to allow Bend It Like Beckham to be erased.  So, with all that in mind, I’m finally getting around to watching some of the movies that I recorded earlier this year.  I started with Her Infidelity, a Lifetime film from April.

What Was It About?

Following the tragic death of his wife and daughter, creepy mask enthusiast Grayson Kendall (Clayton Chitty) gets a job working as an elementary school teacher.  Grayson also volunteers to be the latest teacher liaison to the PTA.

The president of the PTA is Lily Helms (Rachel Hunter), whose son happens to be one of Grayson’s students!  Lily is married but her husband (Lane Edwards) seems to be more concerned with work than with his marriage.  Lily feels neglected, Grayson makes little secret of the fact that he finds her attractive, and can we be surprised that eventually they end up having sex in a motel while Grayson wears one of his masks?

Lily’s husband comes home and promises to be a better spouse and also explains that, despite what Lily assumed, he was not having an affair with his secretary.  Lily wants nothing else to do with Grayson but Grayson has become both obsessed with her and friends with Lily’s husband.  Even worse, he’s now dating Lily’s best friend (Miranda Frigon)!

What Worked?

I liked Her Infidelity.  It told a pretty standard Lifetime story but director Christie Will created a dream-like atmosphere and added enough surreal touches that the audience was kept off-balance.  Up until the very end of the film, I was expecting Lily to suddenly wake up and discover that she had just been having a particularly vivid fantasy.

As well, Her Infidelity — much like A Deadly Adoption — deserves credit for taking everything to its logical extreme.  Grayson isn’t just your standard Lifetime stalker.  Instead, he’s one of the creepiest characters to ever appear on Lifetime or any other network.

One thing I especially appreciated was the fact that, no matter how oddly Grayson behaved, Lily was apparently the only person who noticed.  Everyone around her was so amazingly oblivious.  Even Lily’s husband insisted that Grayson was just a nice guy.  It all helped to create an appropriate atmosphere of paranoia and helplessness.

(It also confirmed one of my own long-held beliefs: people are a lot more stupid than you assume.)

What Did Not Work?

As far as I’m concerned, it all worked.  It was Lifetime movie that promised infidelity, melodrama, and masked men.  And it delivered on all three!

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

Naturally, I related to Lily’s best friend, the red-headed real estate agent played by Miranda Frigon.  Hopefully, however, I have a better taste in men.

Lessons Learned

Cleaning up the DVR can be fun!

Film Review: Minions (dir by Pierre Coffin and Kyle Balda)


Minions_posterThe Minions, everyone’s favorite group of little yellow weirdos from the first two Despicable Me films, now have a movie of their very own!  Earlier tonight, Jeff and I braved a theater that was full of hyperactive little children and we watched Minions.

I have to admit that I was really looking forward to seeing Minions.  After all, I loved both of the Despicable Me movies and, much like Through the Shattered Lens co-founder Arleigh Sandoc, I thought the minions were pretty adorable.  Along with the fact that they were just so weird that you couldn’t help but love them, the minions were distinguished by the wonderfully cheerful approach that they took towards their work.  Even when one of them was accidentally launched into space during the original Despicable Me, he continued to smile.  He was just happy to be a part of the project.  Seriously, who wouldn’t want a bunch of minions to do her bidding?

Now, it was established during the first Despicable Me movie that the minions were specifically created by the super villain Gru.  However, Minions reimagines their origins.  Now, we discover that the minions have existed since the beginning of time and, apparently immune from aging, they have always sought to serve a villainous master.  During the film’s opening, we watch as they serve a Tyrannosaurus Rex, Dracula, and Napoleon.  Unfortunately, the minions’ combination of enthusiasm and stupidity proves fatal to most of their employers.

Eventually, the minions find themselves exiled to Antarctica.  After several centuries, the minions find themselves suffering from depression and ennui.  Finally, three brave minions (all voiced by director Pierre Coffin) volunteer to go out into the world and find a new master to serve.  Kevin is the responsible leader.  Bob is the cute, enthusiastic one who always carries a teddy bear with him.  (Bob also has heterochromia, just like me!)  And finally, Stuart is the one who likes to play his guitar.

Kevin, Bob, and Stuart get in a rowboat and eventually, they reach New York City.  However, it turns out that the year is 1968 and there is a serious shortage of evil super villains to serve!  Not only is Gru just a child but Bill Clinton hasn’t even launched his political career yet!  Eventually, though, our three minions learn about Villain-Con, being held in Orlando, Florida.  Hitching a ride with a family of aspiring bank robbers (Micheal Keaton is the voice of the father), the minions reach Orlando and eventually, they end up working for Scarlet Overkill (Sandra Bullock) and her husband, Herb (Jon Hamm).

Scarlet explains that, ever since she was a little girl, she has wanted to be the Queen of England.  But she doesn’t have the crown!  She orders Kevin, Stuart, and Bob to get that crown and reads them a bedtime story about three minions who failed to get a crown and were subsequently killed by an angry wolf.  AGCK!

This leads to our three minions going to London and, since it’s 1968, that also leads to a lot of good (if predictable) songs on the soundtrack.  As a result of several odd incidents, Bob is briefly the King of England.  And things only get stranger from there…

The children in the audience loved it but, at the same time, I could never bring myself to like Minions as much as I wanted to.  Minions just doesn’t have as much heart as Despicable Me.  There’s no moment in Minions that’s anywhere close to being as joyful as the “It’s so fluffy” scene from Despicable Me.  The minions are fun supporting characters but they don’t quite work as well as protagonists for a 91 minutes film.  Sandra Bullock tries really hard as Scarlet Overkill but she just doesn’t have the right voice for the character.  Part of Sandra Bullock’s appeal, after all, is that she not only looks but sounds like she’s totally down-to-earth and that’s one thing that Scarlet definitely is not.  Jon Hamm, however, is hilarious as the vacuous Herb.

Minions is a cute movie that doesn’t really make much of an impression.  Kids will love it, though.  And, even though I would never actually eat there, I’m still going to go by McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal so I can get the little minion that’s inside.

(Especially if it’s one of those cursing minions…)

Cursing Minions

Film Review: Lady Terminator (1989, dir. H. Tjut Djalil as Jalil Jackson)


Lady Terminator (Barbara Anne Constable)

Lady Terminator (Barbara Anne Constable)

It’s all here. She hunts down and kills innocent people on her way to her target. She rams a car into a police station in order to get to her target. She drives after the protector and her target while having a shootout. She appears as the Lady Terminator naked. She takes two guys to the back of a car where a snake comes out of her vagina and bites off their dicks, killing them so she can take their clothes.

What? Arnold didn’t bite off any dicks? Well, that’s because this isn’t The Terminator. This is Lady Terminator. Here, if a dick isn’t shot off, then it’s bit off by what we will refer to as the vagina snake.

The movie begins in the past where an evil queen takes a man to bed and kills him during sex. Then another man is brought in, but this time it goes differently. She gets into position, a snake slithers out of her vagina, he grabs it, it turns into a knife, and she’s banished. By banished, I mean she swears she’ll have her vengeance on his great-granddaughter in 100 years, appears outside on the beach, and walks into the ocean to join forces with evil. Isn’t that one of the most absurd openings to a movie you’ve ever heard of?

We jump to the future and meet Tania. She’s not a lady, she’s an anthropology student, as she reminds the sea captain. You see, she’s going to investigate the legend of the South Sea Queen. The lady who liked biting off dicks. She visits a library to have an encounter with a ridiculous character who knows exactly what she’s talking about, warns her, but gives her what she’s looking for anyways. You know, standard stuff.

She gets a boat, goes underwater, winds up on a bed, and the snake goes up her vagina. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? At this point I think we need to stop and notice that we have learned an important lesson. Fifty Shades Of Grey taught us that if you are a female English major then you’ll end up negotiating the use of butt plugs. But Lady Terminator teaches us that if you are a female Anthropology major then a snake will go up your vagina and turn you into a killing machine. Maybe major in Computer Science instead. Just saying.

See, I wasn't kidding. That's why we call it the vagina snake.

See, I wasn’t kidding. That’s why we call it the vagina snake.

Anyway, once the we really were inspired by the legend of the South Sea Queen and not The Terminator portion is over, the fun begins. And by fun, I mean almost a scene for scene copy of The Terminator, but with some differences to keep it exciting while doing those scenes well.

Emerging From The Water Naked

Emerging From The Water Naked

Lady Terminator Vision

Lady Terminator Vision

Shootout In A Club. Complete with getting shot to the ground, then popping back up.

Shootout In A Club. Complete with getting shot to the ground, then popping back up.

The Car Chase

The Car Chase

Crashing The Car Into The Police Station

Crashing The Car Into The Police Station

Cutting Out The Eyeball

Cutting Out The Eyeball

They even have somebody say Arnold’s name and the Kyle Reese character says, “Come with me if you want to live”. They also have the love scene together. I wish there was more to say, but telling you every added element would be spoiling it.

With all that out of the way. The question is whether this is worth seeing. You see the title. You know it’s a ripoff. You think of the Turks. You wonder is it worth your time.

Hell, yeah! It’s a lot of fun. It’s not as good as the real thing, but they did a damn fine job. I just wish they had made more of these movies with Barbara Anne Constable: Lady Rambo, Lady Die Hard, Lady Under Siege. Considering there is a new, legitimate, Terminator movie out, then this is a perfect way to take a trip back to the original, but with a fun twist.

Carry A Big Gun

Carry A Big Gun

Film Review: The Greatest (1977, dir by Tom Gries and Monte Hellman)


the_greatest_1977_portrait_w858The Greatest opens with 18 year-old Cassius Clay (played by Chip McAllister as a teenager and, as an adult, by Muhammad Ali himself) winning the light heavyweight gold medal at the 1960 Rome Olympics.  Returning home to Kentucky, Clay discovers that not even a gold medal can protect him from racism.  Angered after a restaurant refuses to serve him and his friend, Clay throws his gold medal into the Ohio River.  Under the training of Angelo Dundee (Ernest Borgnine), Clay turns pro and defeats Sonny Liston (Roger E. Mosley) for the heavyweight championship.  Inspired by Malcolm X (James Earl Jones), Clay also joins the Nation of Islam and changes his name to Muhammad Ali.  As heavyweight champion, Ali battles not only his opponents in the ring but racism outside of it.  The Greatest follows Ali as he loses his title for refusing to be drafted and concludes with the famous Rumble in the Jungle, where Ali won the title back from George Foreman.

Sadly, Muhammad Ali has never been the subject of a truly great feature film.  Even Michael Mann’s Ali failed to really capture the mystique that made Ali into such an iconic figure.  The Greatest is interesting because Ali plays himself.  Unfortunately, The Greatest proves that Ali may have been a great showman but he was not a natural actor.  You only have to watch the scene where Ali tries to hold his own with Robert Duvall to see just how stiff an actor Muhammad Ali really was.  Ali’s best scenes are the ones where he is trash talking his opponents or training.  The film opens with Ali jogging while George Benson sings The Greatest Love Of All, a scene that is made all the more poignant when you compare the athletic and confident Muhammad Ali of 1977 with the frail, Parkinson’s stricken Ali of today.

29Muhammad-Ali-1Instead of recreating any of Ali’s legendary fights, The Greatest instead uses actual footage of the matches.  The real life footage is the best part of the film.  After all these years, Ali’s fights against Sonny Liston, Joe Frazier, Ken Norton, and George Foreman remain exciting to watch.  Otherwise, The Greatest is too episodic and low budget to do justice to Muhammad Ali’s story.

If you want to see a truly great film about Ali and his legacy, watch the 1996 documentary When We Were Kings, 2009’s Facing Ali or 2013’s The Trials of Muhammad Ali.  Ali is such an iconic figure that it may be impossible for any feature film to properly do justice to his life and legacy.  These three documentaries come close.

(Director Tom Gries died during the filming of The Greatest.  The movie was completed by Monte Hellman.)

Film Review: Super Christian (1980, dir. John Schmidt)


Super Christian played by John Schmidt

Super Christian played by John Schmidt

I’ll admit it, I saw the title and thought this had to be hilariously bad. I mean it’s called Super Christian for crying out loud. But you know what, it wasn’t bad. It’s goofy and it’s low budget, but for a Christian movie, it has it’s heart in the right place. It’s not like God’s Not Dead.

Here’s the gist. It’s about a guy who during the week is a bit of douchebag. Let’s not mince words, he’s a total jerk. However, on Sunday, this happens.

Super Christian

Super Christian

Super Christian

Super Christian

During this spectacle a man takes notice and pays Clark Kant a visit. Yes, that is his name in the movie. He sits him down and explains that he knows what he is doing. He once did it himself. Then, the grand reveal. He was once The Lone Christian!

The Lone Christian

The Lone Christian

He tells him that he used to show up on Sunday to be the ideal Christian, but wasn’t a good guy the rest of the time. Clark gives up the secret identity nonsense and decides to just be a decent person all the time. Of course he still attends church, but the message applies to anyone who only acts like a great person when it’s convenient. It’s only 27 minutes which is perfect for getting the short point across to the audience. I liked it.

Apparently, Schmidt still makes movies. I wonder if he’s stayed above films like God’s Not Dead. Now I just need to find Super Christian 2. Yes, there is a sequel.