Horror Film Review: The Inhabitants (dir by the Rasmussen Brothers)


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The new horror film, The Inhabitants, opens with a series of black-and-white clips of the various guests at the March Carriage Bed and Breakfast.  The clips appear to have been recorded by a hidden camera and what’s disturbing is that none of these guests — as they undress, sleep, brush their teeth, make love, and do everything else that you might do while staying at a hotel for the night — are aware that they are being recorded and that they are being watched.

I have to admit that one reason why this opening got to me is that I’ve spent the night in places like the March Carriage Bed and Breakfast.  In fact, I love staying in and exploring hotels whenever I’m traveling or on vacation.  I think that anyone who has ever stayed at a hotel is aware of that feeling that you sometimes get, in the middle of the night, that someone might be watching you.  I mean, think about it.  You’re in a town where nobody knows you.  You’re in a bed that’s not your own.  You have no idea who slept in that bed before you and you don’t know who will sleep in that bed after you.  You don’t know who is sleeping in the room next to you.  And you don’t know what might or might not be happening in the rest of the hotel.  At that moment, you are probably more vulnerable then you’ll ever be.   Would it surprise me to learn that I had secretly been filmed while staying at a hotel?  Actually, it would surprise me if I hadn’t.

But, the thing is, we force ourselves not to think about those possibilities.  Because, honestly, what else can we do?  Sleep in our car?  Sleep on the street?  Camp in the wilderness where we’ll be even more vulnerable?  So, we tell ourselves that there’s nothing to worry about and we force ourselves to believe it and we hope that nothing will happen that will force us to realize how wrong we are.

I think that’s why haunted house films are so effective.  We all know what it’s like to find ourselves in a new or strange place and we’ve all had that experience of wondering whether that sudden feeling of fear is legitimate or if it’s just a case of our imagination going wild.  We watch a haunted house film knowing and fearing that moment when the characters (and, by extension, us) are going to be forced to realize that their fear was legitimate.

From the start, with that hidden camera footage of people at their most vulnerable, The Inhabitants is a haunted house film that works.  When we first meet married couple Dan (Michael Reed) and Jessica (Elise Courture), we like them immediately.  They’re young, attractive, and obviously in love.  From the minute that we learn that they’re going to buy the March Carriage Bed and Breakfast, we find ourselves wanting to yell, “Don’t do it!” because we know that we are watching a haunted house film and these things never end well.

And really, it’s the likability of Dan and Jessica that make this film effective.  We relate to them and we don’t want to see anything bad happen to them.  The frequent complaint about characters in horror movies is that they’re always doing something stupid but neither Dan nor Jessica does anything that the viewer wouldn’t do in a similar situation.  They’re just trying to move into their home and get the unpacking done.  But, of course, what they don’t realize is that, way back in the 17th century, the March Carriage Bed and Breakfast was occupied by a witch.  And, as quickly becomes apparent, Dan and Jessica are not alone in the house.

So, I’m not going to spoil the movie in this review by giving you too many plot details.  The Inhabitants is an atmospheric throw-back to the haunted house films of the past.  The fog-covered landscape, the haunted inn, and a creepy cellar all served to remind me of Lucio Fulci’s classic Beyond trilogy while the film’s dream-like atmosphere and its haunted heroine reminded me of the classic, Let’s Scare Jessica To Death.  The Inhabitants, distinguished by the empathetic performances of Michael Reed and Elise Couture, is a worthy addition to the genre.

The Inhabitants will be released on VOD on October 13th!

Horror Film Review: I Married A Vampire (1987, dir. Jay Raskin)


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What the hell did I watch here?

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Okay, I think I know what happened here. Jay Raskin took Ousmane Sembene’s Mandabi (1968), Jacques Rivette’s Celine And Julie Go Boating (1974), threw in some revenge, and topped it off with the appearance of a vampire near the end of the movie. Seriously, I think this guy was fresh out of film school when he made this. It even directly references Dreyer’s Vampyr (1932) at the end when they go to see it in a theater.

I guess I need to try and explain this stupid thing so I can go back to recovering from hernia surgery.

The movie begins with Viola (Rachel Golden) telling her parents named Morris (David Dunton) and Doris (Kathryn Karnes) that she is married to a vampire. Now we cut back to when she first came to the city in order to tell us how she ended up with a vampire.

One of her first encounters is with a guy who tells her he wants to put her “on Fire Avenue”. That’s a new pickup line for me, but maybe people did talk like that back in 1983 when this movie was actually shot. Now she needs to find a place to live.

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Turns out this lady lives in the same building.

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Now she tries to find a job, but all the positions she calls about are filled. That’s when she runs into a member of MBC. That stands for Mohammad Buddha Christ. She attends one of the meetings.

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Now she is brainwashed and when Mr. Fire Avenue asks her again, she trusts that an amulet she was given will protect her. Go figure, it doesn’t, and she gets raped. Luckily, this kind rapist has a job for her cleaning floors.

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Wondering where the vampire is? Well, 50 minutes into this 90 minute movie is when we meet our vampire Robespiere (Brendan Hickey). Of course, he isn’t like any other vampire we know from other movies such as he leaves a reflection in a mirror.

Now we get the exciting cleaning 1983 computers and playing the arcade game Gravitar scenes. Then this happens.

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Isn’t this almost the same way that Celine and Julie met in Celine And Julie Go Boating? Been too long since I watched it. Anyways, I don’t think this has anything to do with anything.

The rest of the movie is just Viola and the vampire going back to the people that wronged her and seeking revenge on them. I didn’t even mention the lawyer named Leachman. At least the rapist gets his comeuppance.

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Then we cut back to Viola and her parents meet the vampire. THE END.

The idea of her being fleeced by everyone she meets reminded me of Mandabi. All the cinematography made me think of Celine And Julie Go Boating. I don’t know why there had to be any revenge and nor do I know what the hell a vampire was doing in this movie.

I know this is the kind of movie that some people will latch onto and love, but I’m not one of them. It really just felt like someone who threw together elements from movies they watched in college in an attempt to both deliver some social commentary while encouraging people to watch art films. And no, I’m not pulling that last bit out of my ass. The movie actually has several parts that put down slasher movies, but then when things are right again, they go see Dreyer’s Vampyr. One of the dumbest things I’ve watched all year.

Oh, and this damn poster is so misleading.

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She looks nowhere near as hot as that. And does that look like a vampire to you? It looks like the guy from the cover of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on the NES.

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I haven’t seen a poster that misleading since the one for After Sex (1997) AKA Post Coitum.

Steer clear of this one.

6 Reviews To Help Lisa Get Caught Up: Ant-Man, Cinderella, Jurassic World, Magic Mike XXL, The Man From UNCLE, Terminator: Genisys


So, it’s that time of year!  2015 is nearly over and soon, it will be time for me to make out my best-of and worst-of lists.  That means that now is the time that I look over all the films that I have watched up to this point, I realize how many of those films I have yet to review ,and I think, “Oh my God, how did I get this far behind?”

So, here are 6 capsule reviews, designed to help me get caught up!

Marvel's Ant-Man

Ant-Man (dir by Peyton Reed)

Ant-Man has already been reviewed twice on this site, once by Leonard Wilson and once by Ryan The Trashfilm Guru.  Leonard liked it.  Ryan did not.  As for me, my reaction was somewhere in between.  I enjoyed Ant-Man, though not as much as I’ve enjoyed some of the previous Marvel films.  Ant-Man was better than the second Thor film but nowhere close to being as good as Captain America: Winter Soldier.

What I did like about Ant-Man were the performances of Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lilly, and Michael Pena.  I even enjoyed Michael Douglas’s performance, which is saying something when you consider the fact that, as of late, Michael Douglas has really been making my skin crawl.  I also thought that the film did a good job creating Ant-Man’s microscopic world, even if I’m still not totally sold on the character as a dynamic hero.  I do wish that the film had a stronger villain.  Corey Stoll is such a good actor and capable of doing so much and it was hard not to regret that he was stuck playing such a generic bad guy.

Cinderella (dir by Kenneth Branagh)

Oh, how I loved Cinderella!  The film, a live-action retelling of the Cinderella story, was a gorgeous fairy tale and a wonderful reminder that a film doesn’t have to be dark and depressing to be good.  (In many ways, Cinderella serves as an antidote to not only Into The Woods, but countless Tim Burton films as well.)  Lily James is beautiful in the title role, Richard Madden is wonderfully charming as the prince, and Cate Blanchett and Helena Bonham Carter are perfectly cast as the stepmother and the fairy godmother.

Jurassic World (dir by Colin Trevorrow)

Jurassic World was previously reviewed by Ryan the Trashfilm Guru.  I hate to admit it but I was, initially, one of those people who watched Jurassic World and got annoyed because the film was predictable and the script was a bit clunky.  Traditionally (and, if you doubt me, just read my review of Avatar), it bothers me when a film devotes so much time special effects that it can’t seem to be bothered with character development and clever dialogue.

But then I thought about it somewhat and I thought to myself, you know what?  This movie had Chris Pratt and it had some very convincing dinosaurs!  And, especially when it comes to a summer blockbuster, that is sometimes all you need.

(Why I enjoyed Jurassic World while disliking Avatar largely comes down to the difference between Chris Pratt and Sam Worthington.)

Magic Mike XXL (dir by Gregory Jacobs)

Oddly enough, I had the roughly the same reaction to Magic Mike XXL that I had to Jurassic World.  Yes, there are certain things — mostly concerning the film’s script — about which I could nitpick but what’s truly important is that Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello, and most of the original cast of Magic Mike is back and they’re stripping again.  Magic Mike XXL is a huge (heh heh) crowd pleaser, a film that delivers exactly what it promises.

Though Steven Soderbergh served as cinematographer for Magic Mike XXL, he did not return to serve as director and perhaps that’s why Magic Mike XXL feels like a far less pretentious film than the first Magic Mike.  Out of the original cast, both Matthew McConaughey and Alex Pettyfer both declined to appear in the sequel.  McConaughey is missed, Pettyfer less so.

The Man From UNCLE (dir by Guy Ritchie)

The Man From Uncle is one of the many stylish spy films to be released this year.  Henry Cavill is an American spy, Armie Hammer is a Russian spy, and Hugh Grant is the Englishman who tells them both what to do.  The Man From Uncle was entertaining.  It took place in the 60s, so there was a lot of wonderful retro fashion and the whole movie moved at a nice, breezy pace.  Ultimately — and I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t exactly fair — The Man From UNCLE suffered because it was released in the same year as Kingsman and Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation.  Man From UNCLE was entertaining but rather generic.  At no point did it reach the lunatic high of Kingsman’s Free Bird sequence.

Terminator: Genisys (dir by Alan Taylor)

You can read Ryan’s review of Terminator: Genisys here.  I have to admit that Terminator: Genisys confused the Hell out of me.  Not being a huge fan of the entire Terminator franchise (though, yes, I do know what Skynet is and I have seen the first two films), I do have to admit that I sometimes felt lost while watching Genisys.

But you know what?  If you just sit back and relax and try not to think about the film too much — if you just accept it as an action film and watch for the stunts and the explosions — Terminator: Genisys is not the disaster that many critics made it out to be.  I mean, let’s just be honest here.  Most critics would die before they gave a good review to any film featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger.  (Just check out all the negativity that greeted the brilliant zombie film, Maggie.)  After all, Schwarzenegger is an outspoken, confident, cheerfully arrogant Republican and most film critics can only relate to the arrogant part.  (And even then, they don’t ever seem to be very cheerful about it…)  Terminator: Genisys is a well-made and perfectly adequate action film, one that works as long as you don’t spend too much time dwelling on it.  It’s cinematic junk food and there’s nothing wrong with that.

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Horror On The Lens: The Beast of Yucca Flats (dir by Coleman Francis)


BeastyuccaflatsMy friend, the writer Tammy Dowden, claims that 1961’s The Beast of Yucca Flats is the worst movie ever made.

Well, technically, she may be right.  The Beast of Yucca Flats is a thoroughly inept film that makes next to no sense and has massive continuity errors.  It’s a film that also features the legendary Tor Johnson as a Russian scientist who gets mutated by radiation and becomes a monster, but not before taking off almost all of his clothes while walking through the desert.  For that matter, it’s also a film about a family that comes together though adversity — namely, being shot at by the police after the family patriarch is somehow mistaken for Tor Johnson.  And finally, it’s the story of how a dying monster can find comfort from a rabbit and that’s actually kind of a sweet message.

Here’s the thing — yes, The Beast of Yucca Flats is bad but you still owe it to yourself to watch it because you will literally never see anything else like it.  Plus, maybe you’ll be able to figure out what the whole point of the opening scene is.

Because I’ve watched this film a few times and I still have no idea!

Enjoy!

The Daily Horror Grindhouse: Mama Dracula (dir by Boris Szulzinger)


mamadraculaThis 1980 Belgian film is quite possibly the worst film that I’ve ever seen.

That’s something that I have to be careful about saying because there’s always a chance someone is going to say, “Oh my God!  If it’s really that bad, it must be a lot of fun to watch!  I have to track this movie down!”

Well, it’s not that hard to track down Mama Dracula.  It’s been included in countless Mill Creek box sets.  It’s in the public domain so you can probably find it on YouTube.  But seriously, when I say this movie is bad, I don’t mean that it’s so bad that it’s good.  This is not an Ed Wood film.  It’s not even a Herschell Gordon Lewis.  Instead, it’s just a really bad and tedious movie.  How bad is it?  It’s so bad that I originally suspected that maybe Bret Ratner had something to do with it.  That’s how bad it is.

Anyway, I guess I should tell you what the film is about so that way, I can at least say that I’ve reviewed this damn thing.  Professor Van Bloed (Jimmy Schuman) gets an invitation to attend a special conference on blood research.  The conference is being held in a small village in Transylvania and it’s being hosted by Countess Dracula.  And yes, she actually does sign the invitation “Countess Dracula” and no, Professor Van Bloed finds nothing strange about it.

Anyway, it turns out that Countess Dracula is played by Oscar-winner Louise Fletcher.  And yes, she’s a vampire.  But also, she’s the infamous Countess Bathory, who remains young by bathing in the blood of virgins.  But if she’s a vampire, wouldn’t she remain young regardless?  (And, add to that, Louise Fletcher doesn’t look particularly young in this film so you have to wonder how old she was when she first started bathing in blood.)  Countess Dracula also has twin sons and they are vampires with fangs and all that.  Apparently, they don’t have to bathe in blood to stay young.

Anyway (and you end up saying anyway a lot when you watch a film like Mama Dracula), the Dracula Twins run a clothing store called Vamp and, whenever a virgin steps into the changing room, she is promptly kidnapped and whisked away to the castle.  But everyone in the village seems to know what the twins are doing so you have to wonder why they don’t just stop going into the store.

Anyway, it turns out that there’s not many virgins left in the world and the villagers are encouraging their daughters to get laid as soon as possible.  So, Countess Dracula is willing to set Prof. Van Bloed with a special laboratory so that he can … do something.

ANYWAY, after about an hour, the film realizes that it’s going to have to end at some point so Prof. Van Bloed ends up falling in love with Nancy Hawaii (Maria Schneider), who I guess is supposed to be a virgin, though the film never seems to be quite sure…

But … yeah, this was an amazingly bad film.  Bleh on you, 1980 filmmakers!

Bleh.  On.  You.

Horror Film Review: The Devonsville Terror (dir by Ulli Lommel)


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Who is the world’s worst director?

That’s a question that can really lead to lot of conflict.  First off, it’s a deceptively simple question.  The more you think about it, the more you realize how fragile concepts like good and bad truly are.  Some of the greatest films ever made were critical flops.  Some of the films that have been embraced by contemporary critics will definitely be less acclaimed by future viewers.  There’s a lot to take into consideration when it comes to determining whether or not a filmmaker is good, mediocre, or one of the worst of all time.  It’s something that requires a lot of careful thought and consideration and research.

Of course, if you don’t have time for all that, you can just say that the world’s worst director is Ulli Lommel and save yourself the trouble.

This German director has been making movies for longer than I’ve been alive.  He got his start in the early 70s, as an actor who frequently collaborated with the great German filmmaker Rainer Werner Fassbinder.  With Fassbinder as his producer, Lommel made a few surrealistic (and, it should be stated, critically acclaimed) films in Germany and then, in 1977, he moved to the U.S, and became friends with Andy Warhol.  He also married Suzanna Love, an actress who was the heiress to the Standard Oil Fortune and who starred in a handful of Lommel’s early films.

Today, Lommel’s reputation for being the world’s worst director is largely the result of an endless series of low-budget, straight-to-DVD films that he’s made about various real-life serial killers.  I’ve seen quite a few of these movies (and I reviewed Lommel’s Curse of the Zodiac three years ago) and they are truly bad.  Normally, I can find something to love about almost every movie that I watch but Lommel’s serial killer films are beyond terrible.  They’re so bad that they are almost impossible to review.  I mean, how many different ways can you find to say that a movie sucks so much that it will make you question whether Eadweard Muybride should ever have filmed Sallie Gardner at a Gallop in the first place?

But here’s the thing with Ulli Lommel and this what makes it especially so frustrating to see him currently doing a thousand variations on Curse of the Zodiac.  His first two horror films — both of which were filmed in the early 80s and starred Love — are not that bad.  Don’t misunderstand me.  They’re not particularly good but they still feature enough hints of genuine talent and inspiration that you have to wonder just what the Hell happened.

The first (and best known) of Lommel’s horror films was 1980’s The Boogeyman, an incredibly stupid film that still featured some good atmosphere and a few memorable deaths.  Lommel followed The Boogeyman with 1983’s The Devonsville Terror.

The Devonsville Terror may not have the same cult status as The Boogeyman but it’s actually a far more interesting film.  The film opens in the 17th Century.  In the Massachusetts town of Devonsville, three women are executed for being witches.  After the final witch is burned, her spirit appears in the sky and announces that the town is now cursed.

We then jump forward 300 years.  Dr. Warley is researching the Devonsville curse.  By researching, I mean that he continually invites citizens in Devonsville into his office and hypnotizes them, which leads to them having flashbacks to 1683 and those of us in the audience having to continually rewatch the first few minutes of the movie.  The spirit of the witch curses Dr. Warley and soon, he’s having to pull maggots out of his arm.  It doesn’t add up too much but Dr. Warley is played by Donald Pleasence so he’s at least entertaining.

Meanwhile, a new school teacher, Jenny (played by Suzanna Love), has moved into town and she’s teaching the kids to think for themselves and even goes as far as to suggest that God might be a woman!  The town leaders are shocked and more than a few of them start to suspect that she might be a reincarnated witch…

At the same time, a loser named Walter (Paull Wilson) has just murdered his wife and soon finds himself having nightmares where Jenny allows him to drown in a swamp.  “The legend’s true!” Walter shouts in his dream, “You are a witch!”

On top of that, two other liberated women have recently moved into town, which leads to a panic as the townfathers realize that their town — best known for executing three witches — is now home to three feminists!

Of course, it all leads to an attempt to duplicate the executions of 1683.  Heads explode.  Faces melt.  Don’t mess with the witches, y’all.  That’s all I’m saying.

The Devonsville Terror is a huge mess but, much like The Boogeyman, the film has a lot of atmosphere and features a good performance from Suzanna Love.  (As well, just as The Boogeyman features John Carradine not doing much of anything, Devonsville Terror features Donald Pleasence not doing much of anything.)  But the main thing I liked about The Devonsville Terror was its feminist subtext, which is not something you would typically expect to find in a horror film from the early 80s.

You have to ask yourself — how did the director of The Devonsville Terror ends up becoming the guy who directed Curse of the Zodiac and Mondo Americana?  One huge clue is probably found in the fact that Suzanna Love is nowhere to be found in any of Lommel’s later films.  According to the imdb, Lommel and Love divorced in 1987.

With Suzanna Love, Ulli Lommel was an occasionally interesting, if uneven, filmmaker.

Without her, he’s just the guy who directed Curse of the Zodiac.

Horror on the Lens: The Norliss Tapes (dir by Dan Curtis)


Today’s Horror on the Lens is The Norliss Tapes, a 1973 made-for-TV movie that was also a pilot for a television series that, unfortunately, was never put into productions.

Reporter David Norliss (Roy Thinnes) has disappeared.  His friend and publisher, Stanford Evans (Don Porter), listens to the tapes that Norliss recorded before vanishing.  Each tape details yet another paranormal investigation.  (Presumably, had the series been picked up, each tape would have been a different episode.)  The first tape tells how Norliss investigated the mysterious death of an artist who apparently returned from the grave.

For a made-for-TV movie, The Norliss Tapes is pretty good.  It’s full of atmosphere and features a genuinely menaching yellow-eyed zombie monster.

Enjoy!

 

Horror Film Review: Rockula (1990, dir. Luca Bercovici)


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I hate to say it, but I think Monster High is better than Rockula. For all of Monster High’s problems, stuff happened in it. This movie has some memorable characters and a funny setup, but then it just devolves into a series of musical numbers. Most are performed onstage so they have an in film context, but there is at least one that is done like you would expect from a music video. On the other hand, this does have Bo Diddley, Thomas Dolby, and Toni Basil in it. However, while we do see Diddley with his square guitar, never is Toni Basil dressed like a cheerleader and nor does Thomas Dolby become blinded by science.

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The film opens and we are introduced to our lead named Ralph (Dean Cameron). He lives with his mother Phoebe (Toni Basil). They are both vampires. We are also introduced to the Ralph in the mirror.

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In this movie, Ralph has another version of himself that is trapped inside every mirror he looks into. This is one of the highlights of the movie because his mirror self is quite funny. Like when he finds that a fun house mirror that stretches him out has increased more than just the length of his body.

Next we go to the exposition dump bar and learn about the setup of this film. Let me see if I can get this right. Sometime around the 17th century he met a girl named Mona and fell in love with her. But she had a boyfriend who was a pirate. Ralph and Mona were going to slip off and get married, but the boyfriend found out. Ralph and the boyfriend get in a fight. The boyfriend loses his sword and Mona gets killed by a hambone to the head. Ralph tried to save her, but since there were 20 pissed off pirates, he fled. Since she was killed before he could lose his virginity to her, she is now reincarnated every 22 years until they get it right. The day after the bartender tells us this story Ralph is going to meet Mona once again. And he unless he falls in love with her and saves her, a crazed pirate with a rhinestone peg leg will kill her on Halloween. Got that? Well, as you can imagine, Ralph is a little depressed. Or as Bo Diddley says.

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Oh, and the sun doesn’t do anything to Ralph. Also, he has a similar scheme to Robert Sean Leonard in My Best Friend Is A Vampire (1987). The Red Cross Blood Mobile makes deliveries to him. Crosses don’t do anything to him either. Basically take everything you know about vampires and throw it the window. Well, he can turn into a bat. Just not a very impressive one.

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All you really need to know is that he must lose his virginity to Mona otherwise a peg leg pirate will kill her leaving him sexless for another 22 years. Remember, this came out in 1990. The 1980’s were still going on in the heads of many people.

In short order, he runs into Mona. Mona is a singer. To be honest, I’m not sure how Thomas Dolby’s character is related to her other than that they are close and he sells really bizarre things for dead people.

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To win over Mona, Ralph becomes ROCKULA!

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Unfortunately, this did come out in 1990. So this happens to:

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That is Bo Diddley on the right doing what I really hope was the least dignified thing of his career. If there was worse, then I don’t want to see it.

I could stop here and say I don’t want to spoil the ending of Rockula so I have an excuse to stop writing. But who cares about the ending and you already know what happens, so here it goes. Thomas Dolby gets really jealous and Toni Basil helps him to become the pirate with the rhinestone peg leg.

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They duel, and Ralph wins. Dolby is knocked into a cryogenic pod that is conveniently there and drifts off to sleep thinking that a nine iron is an extension of his penis. No, seriously, the machine keeps telling him that as he drifts off to sleep.

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Ralph and Mona live happily ever after. But wait, there’s one loose end. What about the Ralph in the mirror? That Ralph breaks the mirror on his end and emerges as this.

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No explanation given for this at all. He just goes out on stage and sings while the credits roll. Who needs explanations? Ralph lost his virginity, Dolby will never be hyperactive again, Toni Basil is fine after getting hit by a hambone during the duel, and Bo Diddley is dead so he doesn’t have to worry about me reminding people this movie exists. Everyone’s happy.

Well, let’s leave Bo Diddley with a little dignity.

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The Daily Horror Grindhouse: The Devil Times Five (dir by Sean MacGregor and David Sheldon)


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Initially released in 1974 and also known as Peopletoys, Tantrums, and The Horrible House on the Hill, Devil Times Five is one of a handful of films made about murderous children targeting and killing adults.  In the case of Devil Times Five, the children are five escapees from a mental hospital and the adults are a group of largely unlikable people who have gotten snowed in at a ski lodge.

(In a film like this, it helps that the victims are all too unlikable to really care about.)

When watching Devil Times Five, it helps to know a little something about what went on behind the scenes.  Apparently, original director Sean McGregor was fired when it turned out that, after several weeks of filming, he only had 38 minutes of usable footage.  Several weeks later, a second director, David Sheldon, was brought in to reshoot a good deal of the movie.  Unfortunately, by the time that Sheldon arrived, the majority of the cast had moved onto other projects and the main killer kid (Leif Garrett) had gotten his hair cut for another movie, meaning that he had to wear an ill-fitting wig for the reshoots.

And the end result is a truly weird movie, one that is full of odd continuity errors and strange scenes that were obviously only included to pad out the film’s running time.  Among the most obvious of the continuity errors is the insistence that the characters are snowed in despite the fact that there appears to be hardly any snow on the ground outside.  (This, of course, was largely due to the fact that the reshoots were done in sunny California.)  As for the padding, perhaps the most infamous example is the scene where the five children attack and beat to death their doctor.  This entire scene is shown in slow motion.  It lasts five minutes.

Seriously — and if you doubt me on this, be sure to read Stacie Ponder’s review of the film over on Final Girl — five minutes is a really long time.  It’s certainly a long time to watch someone get beat to death, especially when the scene is underlit and sepia-toned.  It starts out as disturbing but, after the 2nd minute or so, it just gets boring.  And then about 4 minutes in, you start to laugh because you’re just like, “How much longer can this crap go on?”  And then, at the 4:30 mark, you start to get bored again.  Around the 4:55 mark, I realized that I had forgotten who they were killing or why.  And then it was finally over.  Yay!

Incidentally, this is one of those films where, whenever one of the kids is going to kill someone, the kid suddenly starts moving in slow motion.  It was kind of like the music in Jaws.  If the kid picked up an axe but was still moving at normal speed, you knew not to worry.  But the minute that slow-mo started, you knew someone was about to die.

Of course, it takes a while to get around to the killings.  Devil Times Five clocked in at about 88 minutes.  I would guess that roughly 65 of those minutes were pure filler.  We spend a lot of time getting to know the adults at that ski lodge and, for the most part, they’re loathsome.  The oldest and grumpiest of them is even called Papa Doc, perhaps after the infamous Haitian dictator. (And let’s not even start on the film’s nominal hero, Rick, who has a pornstache, a comb over, and an extended nude scene.)  All of the adults spend a lot of time talking about their crumbling marriages and their dying dreams and it’s all very angsty for slasher film about a bunch of killer kids.  There’s even an extended cat fight between Julie (Joan McCall) and Lovely (Carolyn Staller), which involves a lot of rolling around on the floor while the 70s “wah wah” soundtrack plays in the background.

Once the killings do start, however, Devil Times Five actually starts to live up to its potential.  These are some mean little kids!  Once they start their rampage, we get axes in the back, spears to the throat, immolation, death by swing, and one really disturbing scene involving a bunch of bear traps. However, Devil Times Five is probably best known for the piranha scene.  You can legitimately wonder why someone would keep piranhas at a ski lodge but there’s still no denying that you don’t want to take a bath with them.

(Making the piranha scene all the more icky that the victim in the bathtub is played by the mother of two of the actors who played the killers.)

Devil Times Five makes for a strange viewing experience.  It starts out as nothing but filler and then suddenly, almost out of nowhere, the entire film goes batshit crazy.  Devil Times Five has slipped into the public domain, so you can watch it for free on YouTube if you want.  But I suggest tracking down the Code Red DVD, which comes with a fascinating commentary track and an entertaining and candid interview with several members of the cast.

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Halloween Havoc!: THE ROBOT VS THE AZTEC MUMMY (1959)


gary loggins's avatarcracked rear viewer

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I first saw this movie when I was maybe 12 or 13 at a second-and-third run neighborhood theater. I remember thinking, “Boy, does this suck!”  After watching it again recently on TCM, my opinion hasn’t changed. THE ROBOT VS THE AZTEC MUMMY is a terrible film. Fortunately, I’m a connoisseur of terrible films, so I enjoyed it!

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The opening narration is Straight Outta Ed Wood (“How far can the human mind penetrate the mysteries of the great beyond…”) We meet Dr. Alamda (Roman Gay) and his wife Flora (Rosa Arenas, who’s kinda hot). They’ve gathered some scientists and the story unfolds in flashbacks. Actually, I think it’s more like stock footage from the previous two AZTEC MUMMY series entries (yes, this silliness was a series!) Flora is the reincarnation of Xochtl, an Aztec princess who had a forbidden love with a warrior. For this trespass, Xotchl had her heart cut out, and loverboy…

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