Film Review: Trancers III (1993, dir. C. Courtney Joyner)

Posted on December 3, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

This was a little sad to watch. At least it didn’t make me feel even more depressed than I did after the scene in the transploitation “documentary” Let Me Die A Woman (1977) where a trans woman cuts off her own penis. Thanks, Ms. 45 (1981)! It probably didn’t help that I also watched Crackdown Mission (1988) where Godfrey Ho spliced a Pierre Kirby buddy cop movie into a Taiwanese remake of Ms. 45 either.

The last time we left Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson), he and Lena (Helen Hunt) had dealt with Trancers in early 1990’s Los Angeles. This movie picks up in 1992. And yes, Helen Hunt is in this. If memory serves, she did this as a favor to the filmmakers considering she was on Mad About You at this point. It opens with the usual voiceover from Jack and then we see a really sad commercial for the Jack Deth detective agency.

Yep, just like the first film, this one also has a part of it that takes place during the Christmas season. Then we see what happens when a guy who seems to barely speak English tries to rob a convenience store run by another guy who also seems to barely speak English.

It causes this guy to show up in a time machine. He’s there for Jack. Cut to Jack talking on the phone to Lena. Turns out they’re getting a divorce! Can’t really blame her. It’s either a guy who has futuristic zombies coming after him like this.

Or a guy who wants to hang a giant poster of Attack of the 50 Foot Woman in their apartment.

As Helen puts it.

I think she made the right choice.

After finding Jack, him and the reject from the third season of Star Trek: Enterprise travel into the future of 2352. There he finds that they were also able to get back Telma Hopkins as Cmdr. Rains…

and Megan Ward as Alice Stillwell.

This was three years before she would get her own show on NBC as well called Dark Skies. Unfortunately, that show didn’t succeed like the two other shows I remember them packaging with it: The Pretender and Profiler.

The gist here is that something happened in the past that led to a huge Trancer army overrunning the humans. You know what that means? Jack has to go back to the future to stop it. That means he has to go back to 2005. And by 2005, I mean we cut to a strip club.

Hey, I know that name! Thanks, Mötley Crüe!

I’ve got the screenshots, but there’s no menage a trois here, nor breaking any of Frenchies laws. However, this guy seems to like what he sees.

This scene introduces us to R.J. played by Melanie Smith.

She’s joined a special corps of people who are being enhanced to be able to Trance at will through the use of drugs. The guy I posted before decides to beat some people up before being shot to death. This scene only exists to introduce us to her and the whole drug thing. Well, that and since it has…

Travis McKenna as the bartender, it gives me an excuse to post one of my favorite scenes from Road House (1989).

I guess you could say that other guy was “too stupid to have a good time.” Now we are introduced to the villain of this movie and…

I guess this movie was an audition for Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Melanie Smith would have a recurring role on the show, and that’s Andrew Robinson who would play Garak, the Cardassian tailor who was also a semi-retired dangerous spy and assassin. He really is the only good thing about this movie. Even through this stupid half assed sequel, he manages to show us exactly why he got hired to play that role. Funny that the previous Trancers movie had Jeffrey Combs in it who would also go on to play one of the most memorable characters from that show: Weyoun.

Anyways, after Jack goes back in time and shows us what being asked to make Trancers III was like…

by falling into a pile of trash, we get some pointless scenes till Jack shows up at Lena’s 2005 apartment.

And by 2005, I mean as seen from 1993. Making that girl wear that hat is cruel and unusual punishment. Turns out R.J. went to Lena because Lena has been writing about this Trancer core. It’s actually just an excuse to get her with Jack and let Tim and Helen say their goodbyes.

From this point till the final scenes of the movie can be summed as stalling for time by having pointless scenes with the villain, pointless fighting between his soldiers, and pointless conversations between Jack and R.J. The only thing worth mentioning here is that it’s not a good idea to pit a piete girl and against decent sized guy in a fight when they certainly don’t come across as martial artists. I say that because one of the scenes is like watching an ant try to beat up a beetle.

Well, eventually Jack and R.J. are captured. R.J. breaks Jack out, but starts to Trance because of the drugs, so she asks Jack to kill her, which he does. Then what must have been a joke happens. The fish head guy from earlier shows up out of nowhere to help Jack, but the second they turn to go through the door to fight the bad guys, this happens.

The guy freezes up leaving Jack to deal with them. And deal with them he does by gun, fist, and sword. I bet that was supposed to be a hint or inspiration for the next Trancers movie. Afterwards, it turns out fish head’s circuit board had malfunctioned, but came back to life as soon as the battle was done. Jack returns to the future future and goes before the council.

They give Jack a fancy new title, which Jack correctly knows is just an excuse so they can send him anywhere in time they please along with his new buddy. And that’s it! There’s no reason to see this. I remember stumbling across this at a video store when I was young. No wonder I basically forgot about it’s existence. Since it worked so well at the end of the Trancers II review. Here’s another shot of Thomerson giving a help me I’m stuck making Trancers movies face.

Sci-Fi Film Review: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay — Part 2 (dir by Francis Lawrence)

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s finally over!

It probably sounds like I’m really excited that the final Hunger Games adaptation has been released. It may sound like I’m happy that the saga of Katniss Everdeen and her life in Panem has finally come to an end. And, to a certain extent, I am. After everything that Katniss has been through, she deserves some peace and, fortunately, the series has ended before Jennifer Lawrence got bored with playing the role. (To see what happens when actor gets bored with an iconic role, check out Daniel Craig in Spectre.) Even though I think it can be argued that Mockingjay Part Two is the weakest of all the Hunger Games films, it still allows both Katniss and the actress who brought her to life to go out on a high note.

There’s a part of me that cringes a little when I think about all of the films that were released as a direct result of the success of The Hunger Games. The Giver, The Maze Runner, Divergent, Tomorrowland, the list goes on and on. I’ve reached the point where I can now say that I am officially sick of sitting through adaptations of Young Adult dystopian fiction. And yet, I was still excited to see The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part Two (even if that title is way too long and unwieldy). Regardless of the number of mediocre films that it may have inspired, The Hunger Games franchise has always remained compelling.

So, how was Mockingjay Part Two? Obviously, it doesn’t work as a stand-alone film. The pacing is totally off, characters appear and disappear almost at random, and it’s all rather confusing. If you haven’t seen the film that came before Mockingjay Part Two, I imagine that you would be totally confused by this film. But, when viewed as the fourth part of one gigantic epic story, the whole thing is rather brilliant.

When the film opens, Katniss is still being used a prop in Alma Coin’s (Julianne Moore) revolution. The majority of the film deals with her journey into and through the capital. She wants to track down and assassinate President Snow (the wonderfully evil Donald Sutherland) whereas Coin just wants to use her as a symbol to solidify her authority. As Katniss quickly realizes, there’s not much difference between Snow and Coin. However, it takes one great tragedy for Katniss to truly understand the truth about the Alma Coin and her revolution. If you’ve read the book, you’ll already know about and be prepared for that tragedy but it’s still a heart-breaking moment.

It’s also the most important moment in the franchise, one that reminds us that The Hunger Games has always been far more politically sophisticated (and thematically darker) than all of the films, books, and fan fic that has been inspired by it. This is a seriously dark and, some would say, cynical movie and, as a student of history, I appreciated that. I appreciated that Mockingjay didn’t try to force a happy ending on us and I also appreciated the fact that Mockingjay didn’t buy into the simplistic Manichaen worldview that is currently ruining worlds both real and cinematic. The film’s final scene may be hopeful but it’s never naive.

It’s a bit unfortunate that Mockingjay had to be split into two separate films. Mockingjay Part Two is full of exciting moments but there’s also a lot of scenes that feel like filler. You get the feeling they were included to make sure that Mockingjay Part Two’s running team was equal to the other films in the franchise. This is a film that features a lot of genuinely exciting action and some truly emotional moments. It’s also a film that features a lot of speeches. If only both parts of Mockingjay could have been released as one six hour film. I would have watched it!

The film also features the final performance of Philip Seymour Hoffman, playing the rule of Plutarch. Hoffman is not in many scenes and reportedly, he died before filming two of his biggest scenes. Those scenes were rewritten and his dialogue given to other actors. At one point, Woody Harrelson starts to read a letter that was written by Plutarch and it’s a sad scene because you’re aware that, originally, Hoffman was meant to deliver those lines in his trademark style. As it is, Hoffman only appears in a few minutes of Mockingjay Part Two and he doesn’t do much. But, when the film briefly features his bemused smile, you’re reminded of what a great actor the world lost when Philip Seymour Hoffman died.

Of course, the entire Hunger Games franchise has been full of great actors. Jennifer Lawrence brought Katniss to wonderful and empowering life and one of the joys of Mockingjay Part Two is getting to see her bring the character’s story to a close. But even beyond Jennifer Lawrence’s rightly acclaimed work, the entire cast of the franchise deserves a lot of credit. I’ve always loved Donald Sutherland’s interpretation of President Snow and he’s at his best here.

For that matter, if there ever is another Hunger Games film or a Hunger Games spin-off, why not make it about Jena Malone’s Johanna Mason? The way that Malone delivered her angry and frequently sarcastic dialogue was definitely one of the film’s highlights.

Regardless of whether there are any future films, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part Two is a worthy conclusion to a great story.

(By the way, as you may have guessed from the title of this post, December is science fiction month here at the Shattered Lens! We hope you enjoy it!)

Previous Hunger Games Reviews:

Film Review: Cut Bank (dir by Matt Shakman)

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The image at the top of this post is taken from the film Cut Bank and features Teresa Palmer and Liam Hemsworth. It’s a striking picture, isn’t it? If there’s anything positive that can be said about Cut Bank, it’s that it’s a visually striking film. Some of the film’s images compare favorably with the work of the Coen Brothers in No Country For Old Men and Fargo.

(Perhaps not surprisingly, the film’s director, Matt Shakman, previously directed two episodes of the Fargo tv series.)

Of course, it’s not just the film’s visual style that will remind you of the Coens. The plot is full of Coen DNA as well and that’s a bit of a problem. The thing that sets the Coen Brothers apart from other directors is that only they seem to understand how to best pull off their unique brand of ironic quirkiness. It’s difficult to think of any other director who could have done A Serious Man, Burn After Reading, or any other Coen film. It’s telling that whenever other directors have attempted to film a Coen Brothers script — whether it was Angelina Jolie with Unbroken or Steven Spielberg with Bridge of Spies — the resulting film has almost always been overwhelmingly earnest. (If you try, you can imagine a Coen-directed version of Bridge of Spies, one with Josh Brolin in the Tom Hanks role, Steve Buscemi as Rudolph Abel, and maybe Bruce Campbell as a CIA agent.) The Coen style is one that has inspired many a director but ultimately, it seems to be something that only the Coens themselves are truly capable of pulling off.

(Though Ridley Scott came close with the underrated The Counselor…)

Plotwise, Cut Bank has everything that you would normally expect to find in a Coen Brothers film. For instance, it takes place in Cut Bank, Montana and, much as in Fargo and No Country For Old Men, a good deal of time is devoted to detailing the oddness of life in the middle of nowhere. Also, much as in Fargo and No Country For Old Men, the entire film revolves around an overly complicated crime gone wrong.

Dwayne McLaren (Liam Hemsworth) has spent his entire life in the Montana town of Cut Bank and is looking for a way to get enough money to move out to California with his beauty pageant-obsessed girlfriend, Cassandra (Teresa Palmer). Dwayne learns that the U.S. Postal Service will pay a reward to anyone who provides information about the death of a postal worker. One day, while filming one of Cassandra’s pageant audition videos, Dwayne accidentally films both the shooting of mailman Georgie Wits (Bruce Dern) and the theft of his mail truck.

Wow, what luck!

Sheriff Vogel (John Malkovich) throws up as soon as he hears about the murder. After all, he’s never had to investigate one before. Town weirdo Derby Milton (Michael Stuhlbarg) is upset that the stolen mail truck contained a parcel that he was waiting for. Meanwhile, Big Stan (Billy Bob Thornton), who happens to be both Cassandra’s father and Dwayne’s boss, seems to be suspicious about how Dwayne just happened to be in the field at the same time that Georgie was getting killed…

Dwayne’s efforts to collect his reward are stymied by the fact that postal inspector Joe Barrett (Oliver Platt) doesn’t want to hand over any money until Georgie’s body has been found. Unfortunately, it’s going to be difficult for anyone to find Georgie’s body because Georgie is still alive! That’s right — Georgie’s been working with Dwayne the whole time…

Meanwhile, it turns out that Derby is not someone you want to mess with. In fact, he’s just as efficient a killing machine as Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men. And Derby is determined to retrieve his parcel…

Cut Bank got an extremely limited release in April of this year and it didn’t get much attention. To a certain extent, I can understand why. It’s a film that has its moments but ultimately, it’s never as good as you want it to be. The best thing about the film is that it features a lot of eccentric actors doing their thing. Any film that allows Bruce Dern to interact with Michael Stuhlbarg deserves some credit. Unfortunately, Dwayne and Cassandra are not particularly interesting characters and Hemsworth and Palmer give rather one-dimensional performances. Since you don’t care about them, you don’t really care if Dwayne’s scheme is going to work out. William H. Macy may have been a despicable loser in Fargo but you could still understand what led to him coming up with his phony plan and you felt a strange mix of sympathy and revulsion as everything spiraled out of his control. The same can be said of Josh Brolin in No Country For Old Men. Dwayne, however, just comes across like someone who came up with a needlessly complicated plan for no good reason.

In 2013, the script for Cut Bank was included as a part of the Black List, an annual list of the “best” unproduced scripts in Hollywood. What’s odd is that, for all the hype that goes along with being listed, Black List scripts rarely seem to work as actual films. Oh sure, there’s been a few exceptions. American Hustle was on the Black List, for instance. But a typical Black List film usually turns out to be something more along the lines of The Beaver or Broken City. Watching Cut Bank, I could see why the script generated excitement. The story is full of twists and all of the characters are odd enough that I’m sure readers had a lot of fun imagining which beloved character actor could fill each role. Unfortunately — as so often happens with Black List films — the direction does not live up to the writing. Yes, the plot is twisty and there’s a lot of odd moments but the film never escapes the long shadow of the films that influenced it.

Turkish Film Fest: Turkish Mad Max/Ölüme son adim (1983, dir. Çetin Inanç)

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I didn’t think it was possible, but they did it. This movie is even better than Turkish First Blood. Again, you can stop reading now if you want to and just go watch it. I won’t blame you. The only downside to this movie, if you can call it that, is that I think the tie-in to Mad Max might have been an afterthought. It’s feels more like they had an action packed script for the three leads to star in, then decided to throw in a few Mad Max elements such as the leather outfit and weapon from the Mad Max poster. I could be wrong, but it’s the impression that I get. Let’s dig in!

The movie begins on this shot of Kaan or Kagan (Cüneyt Arkin) climbing up onto the top of a building. He makes his way to a stairwell where bad guys start to flow in. He lights some dynamite and appears to chuck it onto the angry no arms and no legs dummy from Turkish First Blood.

Regardless, it kills some of the bad guys. Kaan beats on one guy, then takes him around by the neck and begins to lead him down the stairs. Cut to title card. Arkin is once again in badass mode for this movie. However, this time around we get to see him do some more acting.

Then we meet every slimy businessman and bikini girl from every Turkish movie of this era. Arkin says hi the Arkin way. By shooting him in the hand.

Jeez! Where’s Buddy with his Healing Hands when you need him?

Turns out Kaan was delivering a small package for this guy. It also turns out what was in it was used by a girl who subsequently died before his eyes. Kaan isn’t happy to say the least. Especially after this guy says “they were destined to die”. Kaan says “and so are you”. He makes the guy eat the whole package of heroin and watches him die.

Now we cut to Kaan dealing some cards onto a bed. Then guys start to come into the room. I think the first part of this scene is only to remind us that Arkin is going to be doing more of that knife throwing to kill guys in this movie. Seriously, he kills a lot of people by simply throwing a knife that flies like a projectile. You’d think he worked in a carnival for many years before taking up whatever his job is in this movie.

After dispatching those bad guys, the main guy comes into the room and has a job for Kaan. He wants Kaan to bring a professor who has, or is, developing a new medicine. Kaan takes the job, then cut to another room where we are introduced to the second member of Kaan’s team.

This is Ali played by Yildirim Gencer. Yildirim Gencer is the one who played Kilink in Kilink In Istanbul, Kilink vs. The Flying Man, and Kilink: Strip And Kill. This is when a strange old man bursts into the room.

This leads to a rather comical little scene where this old man appears to be having a lot of trouble firing this rifle. In fact, eventually they just end up starting to fight. After Ali pins the old man we find out that the old man is really Kaan in disguise.

This is how we learn that two of them are friends, and have a rather unique relationship. This is one of the things that makes this better than Turkish First Blood. This isn’t just one scene, but something that develops over the course of the film.

Now for another call back, we meet the third member of Kaan’s team played by actress Emel Tümer. Emel Tümer played the girl in Turkish First Blood. Except this time she’s going to be kicking butt and blowing people away right along side Arkin. We meet her during this scene where she is having a drinking contest with this guy. Of course she wins, but then the surrounding guys pin her down as if at the very least they are going to feel her up. This is honestly a great scene because of this.

Kaan and Ali enter the room and Arkin gets this smile on his face as if to say, “Hi boys! Hope you enjoyed what little you just got because I’m about to even up the odds and you won’t like what me, my friend, and she has in store for you.” And beat the crap out of them they do.

During this whole fight they are also talking to each other to catch up. We find out that she has at least been in a relationship with Ali at some point and probably Kaan as well. It ends with them taking a little breather and enjoying a drink with each other.

Then we get a sequence that I’m not sure of the plot purpose. However, it does give the film a chance to have her get shot in the butt, which is kind of funny. But more importantly, it introduces us to the coin flipping thing that Kaan does in this movie. He’ll flip a coin to see whether he or Ali will do something, Ali always calls heads, and loses every time. It also gets in something else that will carry throughout the movie. That Kaan and Ali really are fond of her. Next she gets behind the wheel and proceeds to tell Ali she didn’t appreciate being shot in the butt by his friendly fire.

I love the back and forth here between Ali and her, which does end up like it should because she isn’t paying attention to the driving while doing all this talking.

Of course she’s gonna need some help pushing that car. Heads or tails?

Now is when the action largely takes over the movie. I’ll try to hit the high points here.

Arkin is ready for his Mad Max poster now.

I didn’t expect Turkish Mad Max to be the one where Arkin wields a bow and arrow.

At this point, they find the professor and his wife. Arkin gets some nice poses in here too.

Then there’s a conversation between Kaan and Ali. I didn’t pick up the in joke till I looked up that Ali was played by the same actor who plays Kilink, but I get it now. Kaan tells Ali: “You’re a celebrity nevertheless. Twice even. At being a crook and at scoring ladies.”

Now comes a humorous action sequence where they have obviously returned to the set of Turkish First Blood. It’s funny because during the majority of this scene they are doing battle with stock footage.

This is where we find out that the guy who hired Kaan has double crossed them. Big surprise there. About as much of a surprise as the fact that they return to the quarry set of Turkish First Blood and I believe the set of Turkish Star Wars where Arkin punched rocks.

Of course more action ensues and Ali once again loses the coin toss and has to carry the professor who was shot during the battle. Next we return to what I assume are the caves from Turkish First Blood. We also get this great shot.

Then we get what is probably the most insane action sequence in any of these Turkish movies I’ve watched so far. After everyone but Kaan goes down the side of a rock face on a rope, Kaan tries to go down. He’s got people at the top and on sides of him. The scene is hilarious as Kaan switches between shooting and many knife throws to deal with the bad guys. There is no way I can do this over the top action sequence justice. Just take my word for it that it’s pretty cool in it’s lunacy.

Once they are safe, we get a nice little scene where Kaan gives Emel Tümer’s character a flower. Ali then asks him where his present is to which Kaan gives him his cigarette. “A cigarette for death”. Then they’re off to battle some more stock footage. We get some more action, then Ali finally finds out that Kaan has been using a coin that is tails on both sides this whole time.

Now all the friendship stuff between Kaan and Ali comes to a head when Ali is left trying to get to the truck Tümer and Arkin are in while bad guys close in behind him.

He honors his friend’s plea and shoots him. After some more action, Arkin and Tümer return to the guy who hired them and do him in for lying to them that it was medicine when it was drugs. It ends with this look on Arkin’s face.

I really enjoyed this one. Aside from the Django one, these were fun for me to watch and write about. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving week.

Down and Dangerous review

Posted on November 28, 2015 by paddiesthoughts

Down and Dangerous review. (2013)

Writer and Director: Zak Forsman

Stars:

John T. Woods as Paul Boxer

Paulie Redding (Credited as Paulie Rojas) as Olivia Ivarra

Judd Nelson as Charles

Plot:

Paul Boxer (JTW) A less-than-gun wielding smuggler has to confront his past and future in one single moment. Having to bring several kilos of cocaine over the border, he is confronted with his nemesis…..or villainess! Many decisions insue, right or wrong! Hooded and on his knees…..BANG!! …Jobs done, you take it from here….And I won’t spoil the rest of it for you! But a bigger choice comes.

Review:

From a small Kickstarter campaign in 2011, Zak Forsman pulled off an amazing movie! I got to give it up that I love Indie movies, and when one is done this well!…*tips hat* To Zak Forsman! John T. Woods was great! I do have a couple minor complaints, but minor, and I will never let those get in the way of me seeing a great movie!

You can see the trailer here!

If you don’t have the time to watch the movie; recount the amount of time you have! This is a great Indie movie!

Film Review: Chatterbox! (1977, dir. Tom DeSimone)

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I’ve known about this movie for awhile now because of The Cinema Snob. I knew it was one of at least four talking vagina movies from the 1970s. MGM Impact even had a warning on it that said “Impact elements of action include: Talking Vagina Tv”. None of that really prepared me for actually watching this movie. And they should have added the boom mic as an action element in this movie. That sucker pops in all the time, and at really odd times in odd places. Well, since the movie jumps right to it, let’s jump right to it. Penelope (Candice Rialson) is lying in bed with her boyfriend when chimes ring and a voice starts talking saying it wasn’t happy with the sex it just received. Then we learn what’s making the noise.

It takes the characters way too long in this movie to realize it’s her vagina talking. Even though the sound is coming from a different place, it’s not Penelope’s voice, and sometimes people are looking directly at her face when it happens. Her boyfriend isn’t happy with the pussy talk and storms off.

Penelope works at a beauty parlor and here comes the attack of the boom mic.

It’s Rip Taylor doing a flamboyant gay stereotype. I think the boom mic could have picked him up just fine out of frame. It really looks like it’s going to hit him on the head. Oh, but it gets better. Penelope decides to confide in a friend about her little problem.

Yep, the boom mic is below them as if Candice Rialson’s vagina is actually going to speak and the microphone needs to be there to pick it up. The boom mic also swings back and forth between the two actresses during this scene staying visible most of the time.

Now a customer comes into the place and because it’s the 1970s, Penelope is wearing this.

Penelope’s vagina starts talking, so she runs into the back room. The vagina apparently has eyes too since it knew the lady was a lesbian and was checking her out. You know one thing leads to another at beauty parlors and before you know it, this happens.

Of course Rip Taylor comes in and breaks things up.

Penelope decides to see a psychiatrist about her problem and it turns out the vagina can not just talk and apparently see, but can sing too. He immediately decides to exploit the talking vagina for money and books her on a show. This is as much as I can show without resorting to black boxes.

Then we get a ridiculous scene where she gets pulled over by a cop and the talking vagina gets her arrested. She is then bailed out by the boyfriend from the beginning of the film. Seriously, the only reason I can think of that the scene exists is to remind us that the boyfriend is still a character in this movie. The boyfriend storms off, but the psychiatrist/agent takes her out and walks with her through a park. This is when the film tries to give some meaning to this talking vagina situation. He says that it’s her otherwise anonymous organ crying out to have attention paid to it. Sadly, this is leading to an ending that makes no sense. Also, they have named the vagina Virginia.

Penelope listens to the doc and Virginia so she decides to walk the street dressed like this.

And wouldn’t you know it. It attracts some unwanted attention. Go figure! Of course it does lead to her being rescued by a bunch of jocks. Yep! Just yep.

The next morning she gets a call that Virginia and her have been booked on another show. And there you go.

Did I mention this movie is quite the experience to watch. Now she has become a huge star and you can tell because of the newspaper and magazine montage. This includes such classics as the headlines “Odds Go Down On Virginia” and “Police Close Virginia’s Opening”. Then, well, I expected to see plenty of Turkish Supermen, but I never expected to see the ‘S’ there.

Things get even wackier when Penelope’s mother shows up and gets in on the act. There’s also a really stupid restaurant scene with bad jokes. Then Penelope decides to try and patch things up with the boyfriend. They even make it so far as the bed before Virginia pisses him off and he’s out the door again.

Now she goes on a version of The Dating Game called The Mating Game. This scene and the sequence that follows only exist because the writers must have thought the talking vagina alone wasn’t funny enough so this needed to happen.

Yep! She gets dressed up like a princess and he walks in dressed in full armor. He even lays down on the bed with her that way. The next morning he tells her he can’t see her anymore via a fortune cookie. No joke. He says all of his fortune cookies say goodbye. This is followed by more coming to fame stuff including Hollywood Walk of Fame stars and concrete feet. Then she’s going to be in a movie directed by a guy who wants people to know his movie isn’t “just the first film to star a real cunt.” I do love that considering the number of times the boom mic pops into frame in the movie itself, we can actually see the boom mic for the movie within the movie. Then the actual movie starts. Here’s are a few shots of this insanity.

She runs off the set and goes to jump off a cliff. This is when the movie ends in the dumbest way possible.

Yep! Even though it makes no sense, the boyfriend had a talking penis this whole time. It and Virginia sing together before Penelope and him run to each other for a final embrace.

THE END!

This is one of the weirdest things I have ever sat through. It’s not good, but it’s strange enough that I kind of do recommend it. Also, I will be tracking down Pussy Talk, Pussy Talk 2, and Angel Above – The Devil Below as a result. Cause once I’ve sat through this one, I might as well sit through the others too. Plus, I’ve heard that Pussy Talk is actually good and is a bit of a landmark in French cinema. But I think I need a little break before I come back to this genre.

Turkish Film Fest: Kilink vs. Django/Cango – korkusuz adam (1967, dir. Remzi Jöntürk)

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Let me address the first question on your mind. Does it use the famous Django (1966) theme song included below?

Unfortunately, no. But it does use the one from For A Few Dollars More (1965).

Now comes the time when I actually have to talk about this thing. Why? Can’t I just say it’s not good and leave it at that? Okay, fine, but it won’t be much.

The movie begins with the McLee family and Mr. McLee’s nephew Tom (Tunç Oral).

Tom is supposed to take charge of the new family gold mine. Enter Kilink known as the Death Rider in this one.

Before Tom can really take charge of things, Kilink kills Mr. McLee.

Tom swears vengeance and asks everyone to call him Django, or Cango as my subtitles kept saying despite Tom audibly saying Django.

And that’s about it as far as the main plot goes. There’s a bunch of stuff that seems to be happening, but I couldn’t really tie it back to anything unless it was on the rare occasion that Django actually showed up or Kilink severed a guy’s arm.

Other than that, it’s just Western stuff that keeps happening while the two characters, who should be at the center of things, are on the periphery. Kilink even takes off his mask in this. Kilink never did that in the other three ones I watched.

I’m sure I could pick up some more of the plot if I watched it again, but I don’t care. So much of it felt like padding with a bunch of characters I don’t need to know about. Every once in awhile Django or Kilink would interject to presumably move things along, but they should have been at the center of everything going on. It was not a good time watching this movie.

Only watch this if you are a die hard fan of Kilink. I don’t think I can even recommend it for people who like seeing Django pop up in odd places. Oh, well. Can’t win ’em all.

Film Review: Creed (2015, directed by Ryan Coogler)

Posted on November 26, 2015 by Jedadiah Leland

Creed On Wednesday, I saw the movie Creed and what can I say? Creed is exactly the film that we were hoping it would be. Not only does it continue the story of Rocky Balboa but it proves that Ryan Coogler is a major directing talent and that Michael B. Jordan is a film star in the making. Ever since Creed was first screened for critics, we’ve been hearing that “Creed is the best Rocky since the first one.” I would go even further to say that Creed is one of the best boxing films to be released since the first Rocky. Though the story may be formulaic, Creed is a film that will take you by surprise. No one — not even the biggest Rocky fans — was expecting it to be this good.

When the movie opens, Adonis Johnson, the illegitimate son of the legendary boxer Apollo Creed, is just another kid in foster care. His mother has recently died and Apollo was killed in the ring before Adonis was even born. Adonis is adopted by Apollo’s widow, Mary Anne (Phylicia Rashad). Fifteen years later, Adonis is working in an office and has just gotten a big promotion but he spends his weekends boxing in cheap venues in Mexico. Eventually, over Mary Anne’s objections, Adonis quits his job and moves to Philadelphia. Adonis wants to box professionally and he wants his father’s greatest opponent and best friend, Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone), to train him.

But Rocky is no longer the man he used to be. He stills owns his restaurant and he still goes out to the cemetery to visit the grave of his wife, Adrian. Since the end of Rocky Balboa, Rocky’s best friend, Paulie, has died and his son has moved to Canada. (Paulie still gets an affectionate shout out when Adonis comes across his old porn stash at Rocky’s house.) Rocky is older, sadder, wiser, and more alone than he has ever been. He is also still haunted by Apollo’s death in the ring. At first, Rocky does not want to train Adonis but eventually, the younger man wins him over. Under Rocky’s tutelage, Adonis wins his first professional fight. When the news gets out that Adonis is Apollo’s son, he is given a chance to fight the reigning world champion, Ricky Conlan (Tony Bellew).

Creed 2 Watching Creed, it is obvious that Ryan Coogler knows his Rocky films. Creed features call backs to every entry in the series, even the ones that have not received the positive reviews of the first Rocky and Creed. Of course, the entire film is haunted by Apollo’s death at the hands of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. The restaurant and Rocky’s visits to Adrian’s grave were first introduced in Rocky Balboa. When Rocky shows Adonis a picture of him and his son, it is a still photo of Sylvester and Sage Stallone in Rocky V. When Adonis first meets Rocky, he asks him who won the fight that ended Rocky III. Adonis’s fight against Conlan is a call back to Rocky’s fights against Apollo in the first two Rocky films. When Adonis thinks about his father, a clip of Carl Weathers flashes across the screen. Finally, just as Rocky fell in love with Adrian, Adonis falls for a singer named Bianca (Tessa Thompson).

Even though Creed is steeped in the history of Rocky, it still manages to establish its own identity. Creed is not just a film about boxing. It is also about a son’s effort to escape the shadow of his famous father and establish his own identity. Michael B. Jordan gives a performance that feels so real and so honest that it constantly takes us by surprise.

Speaking of surprising performances, Sylvester Stallone has never been better. This is not only his best performance in the role of Rocky Balboa but the best performance of his underrated career. It is a performance that is totally devoid of ego and Stallone has never been this vulnerable on screen. If Stallone is not, at the very least, nominated for an Oscar for his performance here, it will be an injustice.

Coogler does a good job of capturing the mean streets of Philadelphia and watching Adonis’s training montage is an inspiring experience. (It would not be a Rocky film without an inspiring training montage.) Coogler also does a good job filming the action inside the ring. The second fight, which is shown in almost one entirely unbroken take, is especially exciting.

Creed is a stunningly effective film. When I saw it, the audience broke out in applause at the film’s final shot. Rocky Balboa’s story may be close to finished but Adonis Creed’s has just begun. I can not wait to see where it goes.

Creed 4

Thank You, Mr. Peckinpah: Ride the High Country (1962, directed by Sam Peckinpah)

Posted on November 26, 2015 by Jedadiah Leland

ride It’s the turn of the 20th century and the Old West is fading into legend. When they were younger, Steve Judd (Joel McCrea) and Gil Westrum (Randolph Scott) were tough and respect lawmen but now, time has passed them by. Judd now provides security for shady mining companies while Gil performs at county fairs under the name The Oregon Kid. When Judd is hired to guard a shipment of gold, he enlists his former partner, Gil, to help. Gil brings along his current protegé, Heck Longtree (Ron Starr).

On their way to the mining camp, they spend the night at the farm of Joshua Knudsen (R.G. Armstrong) and his daughter, Elsa (Mariette Hartley). Elsa is eager to escape her domineering father and flirts with Heck. When they leave the next morning, Elsa accompanies them, planning on meeting her fiancée, Billy Hammond (James Drury), at the mining camp.

When they reach the camp, they meet Bill and his four brothers (John Anderson, L.Q. Jones, John Davis Chandler, and the great Warren Oates). Billy is a drunk who is planning on “sharing” Elsa with his brothers. Gil, Judd, and Heck rescue Elsa and prepare for a final confrontation with the Hammond Brothers. At the same time, Gil and Heck are planning on stealing the gold, with or without Judd’s help.

Ride the High Country was actually Sam Peckinpah’s second film but it’s the first of his films to truly feel like a Sam Peckinpah film. (For his first film, The Deadly Companions, Peckinpah was largely a director-for-hire and had no say over the script or the final edit.) Peckinpah rewrote N.B. Stone’s original script and reportedly based the noble Steve Judd on his own father. All of Peckinpah’s usual themes are present in Ride the High Country, with Judd and, eventually, Gil representing the dying nobility of the old west and the Hammond brothers and the greedy mining companies representing the coming of the “modern” age. Ride The High Country‘s final shoot-out and bittersweet ending even serve as a template for Peckinpah’s later work in The Wild Bunch.

Much like the characters they were playing, Randolph Scott and Joel McCrea were two aging veterans on the verge of retirement. For these two aging stars, who had starred in countless westerns before this one, Ride The High Country would provide both fitting farewell and moving tribute. This would be the last chance that either of them would have to appear in a great movie and both of them obviously relish the opportunity. The best moments in the film are the ones where Judd and Gil just talk with the majestic mountains of California in the background.

Among the supporting cast, Ron Starr and Mariette Hartley are well-cast as the young lovers but are never as compelling as Gil or Judd. Future Peckinpah regulars R.G. Armstrong, L.Q. Jones, and Warren Oates all make early appearances. Seven years after playing brothers in Ride the High Country, L.Q. Jones and Warren Oates would both appear in Peckinpah’s most celebrated film, The Wild Bunch.

The elegiac and beautifully-shot Ride The High Country was Sam Peckinpah’s first great film and it might be his best.

Randolph Scott and Joel McCrea in Ride The High Country

Turkish Film Fest: Turkish Rambo/Rampage/Korkusuz (1986, dir. Çetin Inanç)

Posted on November 26, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Right up front I have to say that this is a big step down from Turkish First Blood. Yes, the actor who plays Rambo resembles the character more than Cüneyt Arkin did. However, what made Arkin so good was his delivery, not his muscles or a more genuinely wounded soldier look. He was intimidating and he made the action exciting. He filled his role with an enthusiasm that isn’t matched even remotely by this Rambo. Oh, and the print I watched had good subtitles, but it looked more radioactive then the set of The Conquerer (1956). Let’s talk about the movie.

Just like the first two Kilink movies, this one opens with the equivalent of a trailer of the movie you are about to watch that seems to seamlessly blend into the beginning of the movie. As such, we are immediately shown this movies Rambo named Serdar (Serdar Kebapçilar). As you can see, he’s got the muscles, and he’s got the I can and will kill you if needed, but I’m permanently wounded inside look about him. We’ll skip the rest of the trailer, cause that’s the rest of the movie. A rest of the movie that is kind of confusing. There is a lot of who is actually working for who stuff going on here. I will try to navigate it, but it’s really just something you wade through to reach the action sequences.

This guy has been given a blank check to just do whatever he needs to in order to stop these bandits/terrorists in the mountains. He arranges a hit on a car so that some of the bandits will get captured. It’s a little unclear to me how this worked since it appears some people died, but regardless, they now have some of them in prison where they are conveniently placed in the neighboring cell to Serdar. They send Serdar and the bandits away to be delivered to the appropriate authorities when Serdar arranges a breakout.

The men he helped escape agree to take him to their leader. Serdar gives them that choice, or death. At this point, I think we are cutting between the military guys and Serdar helping the other guys, but I think the military guys are shooting at them too. Doesn’t matter because we get another scene like in Turkish First Blood where the girl is having trouble getting up the slightest of inclines.

This, the one in Turkish First Blood, and Black Widow’s capture in Avengers: Age Of Ultron (2015) are the least inconvenient character inconveniences I’ve seen since that guy named Julius tried to fight Jason on the rooftop in Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989).

Now Serdar is taken to a home. I’m not to sure about what goes on here, but Serdar kills some people and his love interest comes out of it.

It’s interesting that director Çetin Inanç returned from Turkish First Blood to make the sequel. He’s not the only one who returned.

Super over the top bad guy returns as well. Now the movie really is just a long string of torture scenes before Serdar goes all Rambo on them. In other words, highlights!

It appears that the big bad guy decides to send Serdar out on a mission for him, but that doesn’t really work out. This is when the action largely takes over the rest of the film. Unfortunately, this is like the last 20 minutes or so of the movie. There are a few dialogue exchanges between Serdar and the girl. More highlights!