Hallmark Review: The Magic Stocking (2015, dir. David Winning)

Posted on December 21, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

And by the “Township of Gilford”, they mean Pitt Meadows, British Columbia, Canada, which based on the Street View on Google Maps looks like a beautiful place to live. The sign normally says Waterfront Commons Park. I know this because they left this shot in the movie and the town square is distinctive as well as the physical centerpiece of the film.

Also, there is a British Columbia license plate later, but let’s introduce our leading lady named Lindsey Monroe played by none other than Bridget Regan.

You know, Fiona from The Leisure Class.

In this alternate universe she has a daughter from a previous marriage. That marriage came to an end because her husband died. I swear Hallmark movies kill more parents than any other movies I know about. The deal is that the mayor named Fred (Fred Henderson) wants her to work with Scott Terrell (Victor Webster) to restore the township’s historic gazebo.

Scott is an odd duck. He insists that the gazebo be restored to the exact way it used to be, complete with period accurate Christmas lights, and it was even built by his grandfather, but he doesn’t have a picture of it himself because it’s convenient for the plot. Seriously, once he tells you why he is so stubborn about having a historical reference for the gazebo you keep asking yourself why he doesn’t have one already. I mean he even promised his grandfather about the gazebo. Yet, he will harass Lindsey about finding an accurate picture of how the gazebo used to look. He eventually does find it, but it’s a bit ridiculous up till then and feels like Lindsey is playing a point and click adventure looking for the item she needs to complete his quest.

Well, anyways, we have two more people. We already mentioned the daughter…

and she wants a dog for Christmas, but instead, some random lady sells her a stocking. A magic stocking you might say. Enough of her though cause we now have Grandma Donna (Iris Quinn).

She has shown up for Christmas with a tree in tow. What’s hilarious here is that they bothered to make sure her car has a Florida license plate and bumper sticker.

Yet, there’s also this shot of a British Columbia license plate on Scott’s car.

I’m not sure what’s up with that cause I don’t really remember any specific references to say this is supposed to take place in the US. However, it’s Hallmark, so I think it’s a fair assumption they want you to believe this is the US.

Once Donna shows up then you quickly stumble across the high point of this movie. It’s not Lindsey and Scott. It’s not the little girl and her stocking that delivers plot useful items when the camera cuts. It’s not even restoring the gazebo. It’s watching Fred and Donna together.

Almost the instant she shows up, Mayor Fred knocks on the door to hit on her apparently having bought every flower at the shop for her. Really, I could and basically will just stop here and say this. The movie has the stocking delivering things from beyond, presumedly from the dead husband, to cheer up Lindsey and ultimately get the daughter a dog. Lindsey and Scott spend time together so they can end up together. The gazebo does get restored and they even get period specific Christmas lights for it. All the while we sit waiting for the scenes with Fred and Donna. They play well off each other. They aren’t wasted older actors like you see in some of these Hallmark movies. They are fun and full of life. They took what seriously is a rather dull and paint by numbers heart strings Hallmark movie and took it up a notch. I could watch a whole movie with just actors Fred Henderson and Iris Quinn together. If you’re already the Hallmark type, and you know who you are, then put up with the lackluster stuff for their scenes.

I guess there’s only a couple of other things to mention. Pay close attention to the conversation the daughter has with the mother about the dead father having wanted to get her a dog. I say this because otherwise the conversation between Lindsey and Donna at the end of the movie about the dog will leave you scratching your head thinking the daughter already knew what they say she doesn’t. I certainly was wondering and had to look back at my screenshots to figure out the subtle detail I missed.

Also, there’s a part where Donna leaves at night to go out with Fred, then we get a daytime scene with Lindsey followed by a night time scene where Donna returns from her date. Not sure if that’s a mistake or not. You’d think something simple like looking at the windows in the house when she leaves would tell you but…

some of the windows say night and the others say day, but when she returns…

those same daytime windows tell you night and in between is an unmistakable daytime scene.

Oh, well. Who cares? Donna seems to have had a really good time.

This may be called Magic Stocking and there are other plot elements here, but you are watching this for the chemistry between actors Fred Henderson and Iris Quinn. Just know that going in.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #146: A Fatal Obsession (dir by James Camali)

Posted on December 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the premiere of A Fatal Obsession on the Lifetime Movie Network!

Why Was I Watching It?

So, for the past month, Lifetime has exclusively been showing holiday movies. And don’t get me wrong — I love the holidays, I enjoy holiday movies, and I’m certainly not complaining. I can understand why Lifetime has made the programming choice that they have and, during this week, keep an eye out for my reviews of all of those Lifetime Christmas movies. But, at the same time, I have been missing the melodrama that made Lifetime famous. So, when I saw that the Lifetime Movie Network would be premiering a movie that had nothing to do with Santa Claus, I simply had to watch!

What Was It About?

Michael Ryan (Eric Roberts) is a horror author who is not just famous for giving his readers nightmares. He’s also famous for being a recovering alcoholic. Except, he’s not really in recovery. Instead, he’s still drinking, he’s still violent, and he’s still dangerous abusive. When his wife, photographer Christie (Tracy Nelson), and teenage daughter, Miri (Remington Moses) finally leave him, Michael spirals into madness. Soon, Michael has vanished and Christie’s best friend turns up dead.

Could Michael still be out there, trying to track down his wife and daughter? He could be. Then again, Christie and Miri have met a lot of other strange characters since starting their new life. Their neighbors, Ben (George Saunders) and his sullen son, Kyle (Colin Chase), seem to be a little bit off. And then, of course, there’s Harrison (David Winning), the aspiring actor who has hired Christie to take his headshots….

What Worked?

Oh my God, this is one of the most melodramatic, over-the-top, implausible films that I’ve ever seen so, of course, I had to love it. Improbable plot twists? Gloating villains? Forbidden love? Questionable life choices? This film had it all and thank the television Gods for that!

I also really liked the look of the film. The snowy and overcast images were wonderfully chilly and atmospheric, giving the entire movie a dream-like atmosphere.

And, on top of all that, you had Eric Roberts doing his Eric Roberts thing. Roberts is such an eccentric actor that he’s always interesting to watch, regardless of the role. And he actually did a pretty good job, creating a frighteningly plausible portrait of a serial abuser.

What Did Not Work?

It all worked.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Naturally, I related to the character of Meri, the intelligent but rebellious daughter who was struggling to deal with all the ugliness around her. Remington Moses did a good job and was believable in her struggle to deal with her family’s legacy of abuse.

Lessons Learned

Just because your paranoid, that doesn’t mean that people aren’t out to get you.

Getting In The Holiday Spirit #2: Scrooge (or Marley’s Ghost) (dir by Walter Booth)

Posted on December 20, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yesterday, in order to help some of our readers get into the holiday spirit, I shared a film from 1905. Well, tonight’s film was made four years before The Night Before Christmas! Produced by R.W. Paul and directed by Walter Booth, Scrooge (or Marley’s Ghost) was produced in 1901 and it is apparently the oldest known cinematic adaptation of Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol.

Of course, when watching, it’s important to remember that this movie was made during the infancy of film. If it seems primitive, that’s because it is. However, it’s also a true piece of history and you know how much I love history!

(Also keep in mind that, while this 6-minute film looks surprisingly good for its age, it’s reportedly incomplete. It also greatly condenses the original story. Let’s just say that Marley ends up doing a lot more in this film than he does in others.)

From 1901, we present to you Scrooge (Or Maley’s Ghost)!

(Also, a big thank you to the Xmas Flix YouTube channel for featuring so many classic holiday films!)

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (dir. by J.J. Abrams) Is the Sequel the Fandom Has Been Waiting For

Posted on December 20, 2015 by Arleigh

[some minor, very minor spoilers]

When I first began this site on Christmas Eve of 2009 I had to thank the excitement I had for event films after seeing and experiencing James Cameron’s Avatar. It was an experience I hadn’t felt since the days of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and, even earlier than that, the original Star Wars trilogy. These were films that fired up one’s imagination, appreciation and love for film as entertainment and art. Some of these films would linger on longer in one’s mind than others, but that first viewing in their initial release would always imprint their effect on each viewer.

When George Lucas announced that he would be returning to that galaxy, far, far away with a trilogy of prequels almost 15 years since the world last saw Return of the Jedi premiere first the first time, the Star Wars fandom were giddy, excited and hyped beyond belief. The Star Wars films and the many spin-offs (novels, comic books, video games, etc.) which came about because of it only whetted the appetites of long-time Star Wars fans for more films detailing the adventures in the scifi universe created by George Lucas.

Yet, the prequels’ effect on these long-time fans would be the direct opposite of the effect the original trilogy had on the fandom. These three prequels (all directed and written by George Lucas himself) would do more than disappoint the fandom. It would create a schism between those who saw the original trilogy as the gateway to their fandom and those younger generation who never saw the original trilogy and had the prequels become their gateway to the fandom. Even to this day there would be some of the younger generation who truly believe that the prequels trump the original three films which began the franchise.

When news came down that Disney had bought Lucasfilm and everything which George Lucas had built and cultivated there was no chance in hell that there wouldn’t be another series of Star Wars despite the disaster which were the prequels. Lo and behold, it didn’t take long for Disney to greenlight the sequel to Return of the Jedi and have it set decades after the events of that film.

So, it is with Star Wars: The Force Awakens that the Star Wars fandom get to see whether their continued faith in the franchise was worth it or if they have been Charlie Brown’d once again and had the ball taken away at the very last second. It’s easy to say that Star Wars: The Force Awakens was great or it was awful. The true answer to whether this film succeeded in what it intended do was a bit more complicated.

Yet, if one was to look for an easy and simple answer then I’m happy to say that Star Wars: The Force Awakens was great. It had it’s moments of logic gap and plot holes, but as an overall finished product the film succeeded in course-correcting the franchise from the nadir it was at with the culmination of the prequels. It wouldn’t have taken much to surpass the very low bar set by those prequels, but The Force Awakens leapfrogged that bar and went even higher.

The film does begin thirty years after the events of Return of the Jedi and we find out with the now familiar episode intro crawl that Luke Skywalker has disappeared since those events and the galaxy has remained in turmoil with his absence. The Galactic Empire has been defeated, but in its place a new danger in the form of the genocidal First Order has arisen from the Empire’s remains. Opposing the First Order is a sort of galactic force supported in secret by the New Republic and led by General (not Princess) Leia Organa calling themselves the Resistance. It’s the conflict between these two factions and the search for Luke that forms the narrative base for The Force Awakens.

The film doesn’t linger too long in explaining the events which occurred in that 30-year gap between Return of the Jedi and The Force Awakens. It doesn’t need it as we’re quickly introduced to the series’ new characters in the form of Poe Dameron, the best pilot in the galaxy, who has been sent on a secret mission by Leia to find the clues as to her brother’s whereabouts. Next in line was Kylo Ren who becomes this film’s analogue to the Darth Vader figure of the original trilogy. Yet, the bulk of the film was told through the eyes of Finn and Rey. The former is First Order stormtrooper who has seen first-hand what the First Order truly stands for and not for the betterment of the galaxy. The latter is a young woman living life on the desert planet Jakku scavenging the graveyard of starship wreckage from a battle thirty year’s prior.

It’s through Rey and Finn that the audience learns through their adventures upon meeting up with each other on Jakku what has transpired since the Rebellion destroyed the second Death Star and killed Emperor Palpatine. To these two characters, the events from the original trilogy seem to have passed beyond the realm of history and become more like legends and myths to the younger generation. Through a combination of fear and awe, Ren and Finn get introduced to some of the original trilogies main characters (Leia, Han Solo, Chewbacca and even Admiral Ackbar). These are the stories they’ve been told of growing up come to life right in front of their eyes and their reaction mirrors those of the audience who haven’t seen these characters in anything new and relevant since the end of Return of the Jedi. The reaction alone to seeing Han Solo and Chewbacca alone seemed like the fandom’s collective cheer for the good that has been missing with the franchise for over 30 years now.

The Force Awakens is not a perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Like mentioned earlier, the film does suffer from some gaps in story logic and plot holes. As with most J.J. Abrams directed films he had a hand in writing the script and one could see where he sacrificed coherent storytelling beats for something that just pushed the story along the path he wanted the film to take. For those who have been steeped in Star Wars lore and backstory, this would be easily explained as the Force nudging, guiding and, if all else fails, pushing the characters onto the right path, but for the casual viewers it would come off as story beats of convenience.

As a story to bring back the faithful and lure in those still uninitiated to the franchise The Force Awakens straddles the line between nostalgia and trying to bring in something new to the proceedings.

Let’s begin with the former and just say it now that The Force Awakens does follow some major story beats directly from A New Hope (to a smaller effect from Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi). One could almost say that this film was a sort of soft reboot of the original trilogy with how it lifted ideas from them and through some writing and directing recombination come up with something new, but still very familiar for hardcore and non-fans alike.

Does this decision to lean heavily on the original trilogy for ideas hurt the film? For some it might be a bit too distracting to recognize too many callbacks to those earlier films, but for most it’s a reminder of what the prequels lacked and that’s the sense of adventure and fun. There was never anything fun about the prequels. The Force Awakens brings it all back and for most viewers this is the course-correction the series has needed since the last images from Revenge of the Sith faded away from the silver-screen.

Even the new characters introduced in this latest film were an amalgamation of the main characters from the original trilogy. Where Abrams and Kasdan changed this up a bit was to go beyond just creating new analogues for the classic characters of Leia, Han, Luke, Chewie and R2D2. They opted to take all the qualities fans loved about those characters and mixed them all up to be used in the roles of Rey, Finn, Poe, Kylo Ren and BB8.

As the standout character in the film, Rey (played by find of the year Daisy Ridley) would bring back memories of not just the young and hopeful Luke from the original trilogy, but also some personal traits of Leia and Han. The same goes for Finn who at times reminded us of Han’s roguish charm to Luke’s naivete of his role in the larger world he has finally witnessed for the very first time. For the half-empty crowd this might look as lazy character development, but those who see the film with the half-full mindset would easily latch onto these new characters. Characters who now take on the responsibility of moving the franchise beyond the nostalgia of the original trilogy and erasure of the disappointment of the prequels to new adventures with the next two films.

So, is Star Wars: The Force Awakens worth returning back to the franchise after the prequels or is it too much of a rehash of the original three films? The answer to that is a definite yes despite some of it’s flaws. For some the very flaws some have pointed out (too many callbacks, sort of a reboot, etc.) was what made the film a fun time to be had. It’s a return to the comfort zone the fandom missed with the prequels.

Will the next two films in this new trilogy follow suit and just rely too much on nostalgia to continue trying to satisfy it’s massive audience? Or will Rian Johnson and Colin Trevorrow (director of Episode VIII and Episode IX, respectively) move into new territory with minimal callbacks to those earlier films? We as an audience will have to wait til 2017 and 2019 to find out. Until then enjoy what Abrams and Lucasfilm has accomplished with The Force Awakens. A film which has reinvigorated a film franchise that has seem some major lows, but one which also happens to be one hell of a fun ride from start to finish on it’s own merits.

P.S.: Some controversy has arisen since the film’s release concerning the character played by Daisy Ridley. Some have been very vocal about calling her Rey character as a sort of knee-jerk reaction to the accusation that the Star Wars films have lacked for a strong female lead. An argument that’s as misguided and misinformed as that of the films being whitewashed. The films in the franchise have always had strong female characters. The accusation that Rey as a character in The Force Awakens is such a “Mary Sue” (a female character written and created to be the best at everything, no flaws) ignore the details in the character’s development.

What’s sadder is that some of the very people (film critics and writers) who in the past have complained that major films (especially blockbusters) have been lacking in very strong female characters have been the very same who see Rey as a negative and a character too good. This despite the character following in the very same footsteps in how her predecessors have been written (Luke, Han, Anakin). It’s an argument that is sure to bring heated debate among fans and detractors, but one that takes away from the performance of Daisy Ridley who should be one of the many breakout stars to come out of Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Sci-Fi Review: Trancers 4: Jack of Swords (1994, dir. David Nutter)

Posted on December 19, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Yes, there’s more of these. And three more after this one. At least this one is sort of a step up from the third one in that they let Tim Thomerson do more comedy and self aware jokes than the particularly lousy Trancers III. The movie opens up with a castle followed by this picture of Jack Deth and someone says, “now it begins”. Unfortunately, it doesn’t end with this movie because this one and the fifth film are really one movie divided into two.

Then cut to Los Angeles where Jack gives his usual voiceover only this time it’s to tell us that he’s basically just a time cop now because all the Trancers have been dealt with. Thomerson now walks through a brightly lit door and proceeds to do a little standup routine. Makes sense, he was once a standup comedian. Remember that fish head cyborg thing that he was paired up with at the end of Trancers III? Well…

he didn’t make it. And neither did anyone else from the previous Trancers movies except Tim and one of the guys who was on the council at the end of the previous film. Thomerson has some humorous lines about this. This is when you realize the movie is going to be self aware, which is a welcome return since the first one did that as well. Then we cut to a bar to be introduced to Jack’s love interest for this movie. If you can call her that. Afterwards we see Jack, a gun, and an awesome lamp.

I wonder what contest I need to win in order to get that lamp. Now Jack goes to get his mission and of course it’s the same lady he ran into at the bar. Oh, and here’s every man’s worst nightmare.

Apparently, this knife will cut through anything. That will come in use later. She has also improved the long second watch so that it can recharge. That will also come in use later for a comedy bit. He also gets an RBG-7. It’s the Trancers version of the BFG. Do I need to spell it out for you: Really Big Gun. It can recharge like Mr. Fusion from Back To The Future. Just shove things up it’s butt as she says. Oh, I’m sorry, “shove it up your butt”. She says she would have made an inflatable doll of herself for him, but she didn’t have the time. Considering the lines he has later with a different version of her, his lines about her being a smart ass here are kind of funny. Anyways, after Jack tells his boss he doesn’t appreciate that he’s been “fucking” his wife, a plot device grabs him, and he’s sent somewhere in time and space.

Jack was originally supposed to go to Topeka, Kansas, but he winds up…who cares cause look, a Trancer!

Sorry, I mean a “fucking Trancer!” This movie has more cursing and some tits for it’s R rating. Well, as you might have guessed, his Really Big Gun doesn’t do Jack Shit (Jack’s nickname in this). So Jack just stabs him and after changing colors a few times, he disappears like any good Trancer should. Here’s our bad guy.

He knows it’s important to show the girl’s breast to the camera before you kill her. Seriously, he opens up a girl’s dress just to show her breasts to the camera then vampire kills her. After the bad guy and bad guy, jr. have an exposition conversation, we cut back to Jack for comedy.

Jack hops into hay. He doesn’t hide under the hay or anything, but the guy driving the thing doesn’t notice. He’ll fall right out of that hay later and no one notices then either. Love it! After we meet people who we don’t care about, we meet this guy who is here to splice this movie into two.

I’d say he’s rocking the Star Wars Emperor look here, but there’s already a Star Wars thing coming in this. He has another picture of Jack in which he is holding up the gun which is going to get struck by lightning or something. I don’t really care. Where’s Jack!

Jack falls out of the hay and gets into a fight. Jack’s jacket gets hit with an arrow…

and then it’s time for more plot. Look, all you need to know is this is some sort of medieval place with medieval Trancers that have to feed on people to stay alive. That’s it! Oh, and here’s the lady from the future who is someone different in this past other world.

Cause of course she is. Now Jack runs into character actor Lochlyn Munro who at the time of writing this has amassed close to 200 acting credits on IMDb.

He’s here to heal Jack and then turn him in. There’s also some plot injected in here before they come to capture him. The bad guy has a son who needs to be initiated and thus needs to kill someone. Who cares. Back with Jack, he discovers that the long second doesn’t exactly work the same way in this world.

The long second actually slows him down instead of everyone else. This is a funny scene as Thomerson moves in slow motion while everyone around him is fascinated till they decide to just knock him out. Jack wakes up a little confused with the love interest who has been told to satisfy him.

Jack gets laid. After the other characters get in the way of us having fun watching Thomerson, he finishes having sex and immediately starts chewing her out for being so submissive. Part way through this Jack realizes the humor of his situation. In the future he was chewing her out for being a bitch and here for putting out at the drop of a hat.

After grabbing a guy out of a painting who must have been watching them the whole time, Jack is led into the bad guy’s castle and captured. Meanwhile, other actors are taking up quality Jack time. The bad guy talks about Jack’s weapons to pad the movie out while Jack is chained against a wall, but Jack says fuck you!

After the girl he just had sex with manages to get the indestructible knife to Jack, he is left alone, and breaks out of his chains by cutting through them using the knife. Now the movie is just a series of action scenes as Jack hooks up with rebels I didn’t bother to mention before and the bad guys search for Jack. Oh, and Jack learns his destiny.

But just before that, bad guy opens a door using The Force.

Then more stuff nobody watching this movie cares about happens. I do love this scene though.

The bad guys stumble upon them and stop. Are they surprised they’re just standing there? Do they think they’re are going to make out or something? Who knows? Who cares. The bad guys end up in traps and die. After more stuff we don’t care about…

this guy falls from the sky to kill somebody with a sword. Now we get the sword battle between Jack and the bad guy. To quote Jack: “En garde, motherfucker!”

Sadly, Jack really doesn’t know how to handle a sword at all. He swings it around in a ridiculous fashion before the guy simply takes it from him and lets Jack run away. Jack finally decides to accept his destiny by going to get struck by lightning. Well, that is after The Wizard Of Oz shows up.

Then he gets struck by lightning.

And what happens you ask? The bad guy goes up to investigate where Jack was and apparently Jack had just teleported behind him. Jack shoots him and after changing colors, he’s dead. Then they say things to tell us there is another movie before posing.

So ends Trancers 4: Jack of Swords. A movie that, while it did have better jokes and lines than the third film, is instantly forgettable and really does have a lot of scenes with actors we don’t care about. I’m not sure why they couldn’t have spent more time with Jack. He’s still very funny. This is the last of the Trancers movies I had already seen. The remaining three are going to be brand new to me.

Well, let’s end this the same as the last three reviews. By that I mean with a great Tim Thomerson look. This time it’s probably the look he gave when he was told he would not be back for Trancers 6.

Getting In The Holiday Spirit #1: The Night Before Christmas (dir by Edwin S. Porter)

Posted on December 19, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I love the holiday so much and it’s not just because I usually get lots of presents, though I do love the excitement of waking up on the morning of the 25th and looking at all those wrapped presents sitting underneath the tree I also love getting to spend time with my family and friends. For me, the holidays are all about love, happiness, togetherness, and everything else that should be observed all year, as opposed to just one day.

Plus, sometimes, it snows! I love snow.

So, are you in the Holiday spirit yet? I know that TSL contributor Patrick Smith is because he’s been tracking down scary Christmas films for me and the other members of the Late Night Movie Gang to check out. Seriously, just try to watch Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny or whatever it’s called. Agck!

Well, if you’re not in the spirit yet, don’t worry! I’m here to help! This week, I will be sharing 6 holiday classics that just happen to be on YouTube! For instance, check out the adorable film below. The Night Before Christmas was made 110 years ago, in 1905. It was directed by film pioneer Edwin S. Porter and it’s based on the famous poem. In this 11-minute silent film, we watch as both Santa and a family get ready for Christmas. Watching this film, it’s amazing to see how little Christmas tradition has changed.

Enjoy a piece of film and holiday history below!

The Savior of the Universe: Flash Gordon (1980, directed by Mike Hodges)

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Jedadiah Leland

Flash Gordon Life on the planet Mongo is not easy. Aided by Darth Vader wannabe Klytus (Peter Wyngarde) and the sadistic General Kala (Mariangela Melato), the evil Emperor Ming (Max Von Sydow) rules with an iron fist. All of the citizens are heavily taxed and kept in a state of perpetual war in order to keep them from joining together and rebelling. Those who attempt to defy Ming are executed.

There are many different races living on both Mongo and its moons. The Arborians, also known as the tree people, live in a jungle and are ruled by Prince Barin (Timothy Dalton). Until Ming overthrew his father, Barin was the rightful heir to the throne of Mongo. Barin is also one of the many lovers of Aura (Ornella Muti), Ming’s rebellious daughter.

Barin distrusts the Hawkmen, a group of winged barbarians. Led by the boisterous Prince Vultan (the one and only Brian Blessed), the Hawkmen live in a palace that floats above Mongo. Both Vultan and Barin share a desire to overthrow Ming but neither one of them can set aside their own dislike and distrust of each other.

Ming grows bored easily but Klytus has found him a new play thing, an obscure planet in the S-K system. “The inhabitants,” Klytus says, “refer to it as the planet Earth.”

It all leads to this:

You may have been too busy listening to Queen’s theme song to notice (and I don’t blame you if you were) but I have always found it strange that, even though Ming had never heard of Earth before Klytus brought it to his attention, he still had a button labeled “Earthquake.” Whenever I watch Flash Gordon, I wonder if I am the only one who has noticed this.

With Ming plaguing Earth with tornadoes, hurriances, and “hot hail,” it is up to three Earthlings to travel to Mongo and defeat him. Dr. Zarkov (Topol) is an eccentric scientist who was forced out of NASA because of his belief in Mongo. Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) is a reporter. And, finally, Flash Gordon (Sam J. Jones) is a professional athlete. Because this movie is a fantasy, Flash Gordon is a superstar quarterback for the New York Jets.

The character of Flash Gordon was first introduced in a 1934 comic strip and was played by Buster Crabbe in several classic serials. Among Flash’s many young fans was a future filmmaker named George Lucas, who would later cite Flash’s adventures as being a major inspiration for the Star Wars saga. After the unprecedented success of Star Wars: A New Hope, it only made sense that someone would try to make a Flash Gordon film.

That someone was producer Dino De Laurentiis. (Before writing the script for Star Wars, Lucas attempted to buy the rights for Flash Gordon from De Laurentiis.) To write the script that would bring Flash into the 80s, De Laurentiis hired Lorenzo Semple, Jr. Semple was best known for helping to create the 1960s version of Batman and he brought a similarly campy perspective to the character and story of Flash Gordon. As a result, the film ended up with scenes like this one, where Flash interrupts one of Ming’s ceremonies with an impromptu football scrimmage:

It also led to Brian Blessed’s entire performance as Prince Vultan, which is especially famous for the way that Blessed delivered one line:

(That also makes for a great ringtone.)

Sam J. Jones and Melody Anderson often seem to be stranded by Semple’s script but Max Von Sydow, Topol, Brian Blessed, Peter Wyngarde, and Ornella Muti all get into the swing of things. Seen today, Flash Gordon is entertaining but too intentionally campy for its own good. On the positive side, the images still pop off the screen and the soundtrack sounds as great as ever. When you listen to Queen’s theme song, you have no doubt that “he’ll save every one of us.”

As Flash Gordon himself put it after he saved the universe: “YEAAAAH!”

Yeah

Sci-Fi Film Review: Return of the Jedi (dir by Richard Marquand)

Posted on December 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As you’ve probably noticed, we’ve devoted this month to science fiction here at the Shattered Lens. Gary Loggins reviewed THX-1138. Valerie took a look at everything from The Star Wars Holiday Special to Turkish Star Wars to Return of the Ewok. Ryan the Trashfilm Guru reviewed such Italian classics as Cosmos: War of Planets and War of the Robots. Patrick Smith reviewed a terrifying Christmas movie about Santa. Myself, I’ve taken a look at such films as Contamination and 2019: After the Fall of New York.

We’ve reviewed a lot of science fiction and we’ve got a lot more left to go. (Keep an eye out for my reviews of Starcrash and The Humanoid over the upcoming few days.) However, from the beginning, this month has always been centered around Star Wars. You may have heard that there’s a little movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens and it’s opening this week. Apparently, a few people are excited about it. Since we love reviewing little known art films here at the Shattered Lens, we decided why not review all of the previous Star Wars films during the week leading up to the release of The Force Awakens? Jeff (a.k.a. the blogger known as Jedadiah Leland) started us off by reviewing The Phantom Menace. Then Alexandre Rothier took a look at Attack of the Clones, followed by Jeff’s look at Revenge of the Sith. Leonard Wilson was the next to step up to the plate, reviewing both A New Hope and The Empire Strike Back.

And now, it’s my turn to add my thoughts to this project. It’s time to review the 1983 film, Return of the Jedi. And I have to admit that, when I first thought about what I wanted to say in this review, I was totally intimidated. Unlike my fellow writers here at the Shattered Lens, I’m hardly an expert when it comes to Star Wars. Don’t get me wrong — I know the basics. I know that Darth Vader is Luke’s father. I know that Han Solo flies the Millennium Falcon and that Princess Leia is in love with him. I know there’s an evil Empire and I know that there are rebels. I’m not a virgin when it comes to Star Wars but, at the same time, I’m definitely not as experienced (with Star Wars) as most of my friends and fellow movie bloggers.

“Dang, Lisa, get over it!”

So, late this afternoon, when I sat down to watch Return of the Jedi, it was with more than a little trepidation. My obvious panic and welling tears convinced Jeff to watch the movie with me and I was happy for that. He loves Star Wars so I knew he could explain to me what was going on.

Finally, we watched Return of the Jedi and I discovered that I was panicking over nothing. Return of the Jedi may be the third part of trilogy and I may not be an expert on the films that came before it. But, even with all that in mind, Return of the Jedi is not a difficult film to figure out. As opposed to the finales of Harry Potter, The Hobbit, and The Hunger Games, Return of the Jedi keeps things simple. A good guy has been kidnapped by a bad guy. The other good guys come to the rescue and then go to another planet so that they can fight an even bigger bad guy. It’s not complicated.

As I watched Return of the Jedi and realized that I was having absolutely no problem following the film’s plot, I also realized that the Star Wars films are such a huge part of our culture that, regardless of how many of them we’ve actually sat through, everyone has absorbed them by osmosis. Bits and pieces of it are everywhere, showing up in everything from TV sitcoms to political commentary. (Remember how everyone used to compare Dick Cheney to Darth Vader?) The Star Wars franchise is almost biblical in that respect. At the same time, the fact that everyone knows about these movies makes them a little difficult to review. You don’t so much watch a Star Wars film as you join in a universal experience. As a reviewer, you definitely find yourself wondering what you can add to a conversation that everyone else has already had.

As a stand alone movie, Return of the Jedi is actually three separate films mixed together. The first film deals with Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) showing up at Jabba the Hutt’s palace and rescuing Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher), Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), and two robots from being tossed into a creature called the Sarlacc, which is basically a giant vagina out in the middle of the desert. The second film deals with the rebels teaming up with a bunch of teddy bears and fighting the Empire on a jungle planet. And the third film features Luke and Darth Vader (body of David Prowse, voice of James Earl Jones, face of either Sebastian Shaw and Hayden Christensen, depending on which version of the film you’re watching) dealing with their family issues while the Emperor (Ian McDiarmid) cackles in the background. Some parts of the film work better than others. The end result is entertaining but definitely uneven.

Jedi‘s heart belongs to that third film, the one dealing with Luke and Darth Vader. I’ve read some pretty negative online comments about Mark Hamill’s performance in New Hope and Empire Strikes Back but, in Return of the Jedi, he brings an almost haunted intensity to the role of Luke. In theory, it’s easy to be snarky about all the talk about the “Dark Side of the Force,” but, when you look in Hamill’s eyes, you totally understand what everyone’s going on about. You see the fire and the anger but, even more importantly, you see the struggle between good and evil. There’s a very poignant sadness to the scenes where he and his father prepare to meet the Emperor.

And speaking of the Emperor, he is pure nightmare fuel! AGCK!

As for the other two films to found within Return of the Jedi, the jungles of Endor didn’t do much for me. Don’t get me wrong. I thought the action scenes were handled well and, unlike apparently everyone else in the world, I was not annoyed by the inclusion of the Ewoks, the killer teddy bears who helped to the Rebels to take down the Empire. I thought the Ewoks were cute and I actually got pretty upset when one of them was killed in battle. If I had been alive when Return of the Jedi had been released, I probably would have wanted a stuffed Ewok and, I imagine, that was the main reason they were included in the film. (I also imagine that’s the main reason why a lot of people can’t stand them.)

So, no, the Ewoks did not bother me. What did bother me was that under-construction Death Star floating out in the middle of space. It bothered me because I really couldn’t imagine any reason why — after the first Death Star was apparently such a colossal failure — the Empire would insist on trying to do the exact same thing all over again. This, along with the fact that they were rather easily defeated by a bunch of teddy bears, leads me to wonder whether the effectiveness of the Empire was just a little overrated. I mean, the Emperor was scary but otherwise, everyone involved with the Empire was pretty incompetent.

Far more impressive, as far as villains go, was Jabba the Hut. In fact, Jabba and his decadent entourage were so memorable and colorful and evil and icky that they pretty much overshadowed almost everything else in the film. I mean, Jabba even had a blue elephant playing music for him! And I know that I’m supposed to be critical of the film for putting Leia in that gold bikini but you know what? Leia may have been forced to wear a gold bikini but she never gave up her dignity or her defiance. And when it came time to take out Jabba, Leia used the tools of her oppression to do so, strangling him with his own chains. In that one scene, Leia proved herself to be a true rebel.

There’s a lot that’s good about Return of the Jedi but, as I said earlier, it’s definitely an uneven film. Richard Marquand’s direction is perhaps the epitome of workmanlike. It’s efficient and it’s dependable and there’s absolutely nothing surprising or particularly challenging about it.

It’s interesting to note that, before Richard Marquand was selected as director, the job was offered to both David Lynch and David Cronenberg, two directors who are all about surprising and challenging the audience. What would David Lynch’s Return of the Jedi been like? Well, here’s one possibility:

As for David Cronenberg’s Return of the Jedi, it might have looked something like this:

For better or worse, the world got Richard Marquand’s Return of the Jedi, which I imagine was pretty close to what George Lucas wanted the film to be.

As I sit here finishing up this review and wondering just why exactly I was so intimidated earlier (seriously, this turned out to be one the easiest reviews that I’ve ever written), I estimate that 75% of the people that I know are currently sitting in a theater and watching The Force Awakens. Keep an eye out for Arleigh’s review in the next few days!

And in closing, here’s that blue elephant that I mentioned earlier. Dance!

Sci-Fi Review: Ewoks: The Battle For Endor (1985, dir. Jim Wheat & Ken Wheat)

Posted on December 17, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

So one year later we returned to Endor to see the continuing saga of Wicket (Warwick Davis) and the family from The Ewok Adventure. What were those words Burl Ives left us with at the end of The Ewok Adventure again?

“Reunited, the families enjoy the simple pleasures of being together. Having learned something they already knew. That courage, loyalty, and love are the strongest forces in the universe.”

Well, those forces are apparently not that strong because this movie opens up with Cindel’s (Aubree Miller) family getting murdered. That’s nice!

I love that apparently Kilink’s ultimate weapon from Kilink vs. The Flying Man made it all the way from Turkey to the moon of Endor.

During all this killing we meet the two main villains of this movie.

This guy (Carel Struycken) who looks like every generic bad guy from ever fantasy adventure movie ever made. He wants some sort of device from a spaceship that he thinks will make him powerful.

And this lady (Siân Phillips) who looks like she belongs in He-Man and The Masters Of The Universe.

After getting captured, then escaping, Cindel and Wicket do battle with something I’m pretty sure I once hit a golf ball into when I used to play miniature golf.

While trying to escape that dragon via a hang glider, they crash. Then they meet this guy who is quite annoying throughout this film.

I guess they figured since Wicket now speaks English, they needed something else small that doesn’t. That thing takes them to a house in the woods, but soon the owner comes home.

Yep, it’s Wilford Brimley. According to IMDb, he and the Wheats didn’t get along, so the production designer Joe Johnston directed all the scenes with Brimley. How did that work considering Brimley is in the majority of this film. Well, unfortunately Brimley did not bring Remo and Chiun with him. That would have made for a very short film.

A large chunk of this movie can now be described as Brimley talks to Cindel, the bad guys talk amongst themselves, and Brimley and crew decide to seek out the bad guys. Oh, and this happens.

Unfortunately, Chewbacca from The Star Wars Holiday Special isn’t around to tell little Cindel that something about this doesn’t smell right. Of course she pulls a switcharoo and kidnaps the kid.

Now we get the annoying little creature, Wicket, and Brimley walking. For some reason we bump into a rock and get this shot of it.

Looks like a slot machine to me. They finally reach the evil castle, and after girl talk…

Brimley and crew scale the wall of the castle. Meanwhile, stuff is happening inside. Remember that whole Han and Greedo thing. Who shot first and all that. We can stop arguing about that. It’s time to start arguing over which one of these guys shot first.

There really isn’t much to talk about now because after they break the good guys (other Ewoks and Cindel) out of the castle, the rest of the film is a run and gun battle. At least this time Endor doesn’t scream Northern California like it did in The Ewok Adventure. Now shots like this just scream EBMUD watershed lands and Redwood Regional Park in the Oakland hills.

Eventually it all comes down to a battle between Brimley and the bad guy.

If you strike him down, he will become a more powerful spokesman for diabetes testing supplies then you can possibly imagine. But before that can happen, Wicket throws something that hits a thing on the bad guy’s chest and this happens to him.

With that done, it’s time for goodbyes and Brimley and Cindel leave the moon of Endor.

The question is whether this is any better than The Ewok Adventure. I would say no. Sure Wicket can talk, it feels more like we are on a foreign world, and there’s a lot more action to it, but that doesn’t make it better. The Ewok Adventure was a serviceable, but forgettable children’s sci-fi/fantasy adventure movie. This feels like they were contractually obligated to make a sequel so they threw together as generic a fantasy plot as possible and paid Brimley a few bucks to be in it. It’s super forgettable.

Now I just need to rewatch my childhood favorite Warwick Davis movie Willow (1988) and hope that The Force Awakens opens with Wicket pulling a Star Destroyer out of the sky using the force.

Sci-Fi Review: The Ewok Adventure (1984, dir. John Korty)

Posted on December 17, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Yes, the Ewoks were cute, fun, and Warwick Davis, but did we need two movies devoted just to them? I guess so. This movie is about two kids who are separated from their parents after their spaceship crashes in Northern California where a bunch of little people are cosplaying as Ewoks. Or they have crashed on the distant moon of Endor as our narrator Burl Ives tells us. I believe Burl Ives was an afterthought as he actually barely narrates this movie. It begins when we see the parents at the crash site looking for their kids. A giant shows up and takes them away.

Then the opening credits start. I swear you could put these over the start of a Davy Crockett movie and they wouldn’t look out of place.

Next we meet the Ewoks. Two of the kids went out hiking in Marin County and haven’t come back, so it’s time to go hang gliding to find them.

After the kid Ewoks are saved, we get introduced to the human children.

This is Cindel played by Aubree Miller who just had a mirror put in front of her and realized she’s wearing that unfortunate headband.

This is Mace played by Eric Walker who is doing his best impersonation of David Packer in V (1983).

It’s actually kind of tough to talk about this movie cause there’s little to it. So let’s hit the main points here. Such as that we finally know where the llama at the gas station in Godard’s Film Socialisme came from.

It came from the North Bay Area Moon of Endor. This is the first of several times you’ll see Earthbound animals that apparently exist on Endor too.

A bunch of this now is the kids and the Ewoks feeling each other out such as how to communicate, can they be friends, and will the Ewoks help the kids to find their parents. Cindel isn’t feeling well so the Ewoks and Mace go out to find some special medicine. And by that I mean we can have a scene where Mace almost gets his arm chewed off by putting it in a tree with this.

Now Cindel is just fine.

The kids try to sneak away, but they should be careful out there, it looks like there’s a werewolf howling at the moon.

Scratch that! It’s one of those Rodents Of Unusual Size that Wesley fought in the Fire Swamp.

They find something on the creature that leads them to believe that their parents are still alive. Now it’s time to go out and hunt for them. But first we need to hand out special items to the members of the caravan that will go to search for the parents.

Mace gets stuck with a rock. That’s no good. The rock arcs over anything you throw it at.

How is Mace supposed to save his parents from Jason Voorhees? Now they head out and make me depressed that I can’t go hiking right now.

Next Mace makes a rookie mistake that people who approach California ponds frequently make. He gets really close to the water when…

suddenly he is erased from the frame leaving only his reflection in the water…

before we cut to him trapped under the water like he’s under ice.

It could have been worse. It could have been this pond just a few miles from my East Bay California home.

After he’s rescued and some more travel, we get to the next plot point. Nukie flies by the tent.

Actually, it’s a bunch of light that is collected and turns into Mace’s own personal little fairy.

Time for more walking. They finally arrive at “The Dreaded Forbidden Fortress Of The Giant Thorax (???)”.

Good thing Ives told us that because otherwise I thought they arrived at the poster for The Keep (1983). Now we find out what the rock from earlier was about. Turns out it’s hollow.

Inside is an arrowhead that was clearly placed inside there by some Native Endorian Indians. The arrowhead flies toward and underneath a rock. The kid blows the rock away with his gun. Inside, Mace decides to leave Cindel behind for her own safety. Now the Ewoks mean business. This one puts on its Thor helmet just in case they run into Vincent D’Onofrio and don’t have the money they owe him.

Now they reach a cavern, but unlike Indy, they have a web they can climb across.

They fight a huge spider, which falls down the cavern, then magically pops up again before getting defeated.

Now we finally get a good look at the creature holding the kids’ parents.

After a battle that takes the strength of all of them working together, they defeat the monster who also falls down the cavern, then is magically back at the top of it before ultimately being stopped.

They all make it out alive. Mace lets the fairy thing loose and Cindel gets her wings.

This is when Burl Ives comes back to leave us with these parting words: “Reunited, the families enjoy the simple pleasures of being together. Having learned something they already knew. That courage, loyalty, and love are the strongest forces in the universe.”

And when those don’t work, just shoot lasers…

and throw hatchets.

This is a harmless little 80s children’s fantasy/sci-fi movie. The thing is there are better films of this sort from that same time period such as Labyrinth (1986), The Never Ending Story (1984), and Willow (1988). I’d say this is for Star Wars completionists only.