Horror Film Review: Cyborg Cop (dir by Sam Firstenberg)

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In this 1993 film, John Rhys-Davies plays Professor Kissel. The professor is a mad scientist with a German accent who has taken over a small island in the Caribbean. From his compound, he has developed a process by which he can turn anyone into a cyborg! The cyborgs follow his orders and …. well, it’s never quite clear what exactly Professor Kissel plans to do with the cyborgs. I guess he just wants to keep them around so that they can do random evil things.

DEA agent Philip Ryan is captured by Kissel and transformed into one of those cyborgs! However, Philip has a brother named Jack (played by martial artist David Bradley). Jack used to work for the government until he was disillusioned when one of his investigations went terribly wrong. However, Jack is willing to come out of retirement to save his brother. Teaming up with a journalist named Cathy (Alonna Shaw), Jack infiltrates Kissel’s compound and battles the cyborgs. Along the way, Cathy falls in love with Jack. I’m not sure why that happens as Jack tends to be a bit surly and self-absorbed. Indeed, he and Cathy somehow manage to have not just zero but less than zero romantic chemistry.

Does this movie sound dumb? Well, that’s because it was pretty dumb. It was directed by Sam Firstenberg, who directed the first two American Ninja films. And it stars David Bradley, who starred in the last three American Ninja films. The American Ninjas were fun but Cyborg Cop just kind of drags. A huge part of the problem is that David Bradley was a good martial artist but he was a less than impressive actor. Seeing as how Jack is trying to save his brother from being turned into an emotionless robot, Cyborg Cop calls for a bit more acting than the American Ninja films did. Unfortunately, it’s hard to make a film about human emotions when your lead actor isn’t capable of showing them. It doesn’t help that Jack is written as being someone who is always in a rather foul mood. Also, from the minute he lands in the islands, he wears a fanny pack around his waist and it just looks so utterly ridiculous. It’s hard to take a fight seriously when one of the combatants is wearing a leather fanny pack. The other big issue is that it takes forever to actually get to the cyborg action. For some reason, the film tries to generate some suspense about what Kissel’s plan is, despite the fact that the word “cyborg” is right there in the title!

On the plus side, the film does feature John Rhys-Davies playing a mad scientist and he’s just the type of cheerfully theatrical actor who can do justice to the role of someone who spends most of his time ranting about how much smarter he is than everyone else in the world. Rhys-Davies, who is best known for playing Indiana Jones’s friend Sallah and for playing both Gimili and the talking tree in The Lord of the Rings, appears to have had a lot of fun as Prof. Kissel and it’s fun to watch him in the role. This is a case where most people watching the film will proudly cheer for the bad guy because the bad guy is so much more entertaining than the good guy.

Cyborg Cop somehow led to two sequels. The work is never done.

Horror Film Review: Last Shift (dir by Anthony DiBlasi)

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh no, it’s the cops!

The 2014 film, Last Shift, tells the story of Jessica Loren (Juliana Harkavy). Like her father, Jessica’s a cop. Unlike her father, Jessica is hoping that she’ll survive her shift without becoming the victim of some weird cult leader and his followers. Good luck with that, Jessica!

Jessica’s first assignment is to take the last shift at a police station that is in the process of being shut down. All Jessica has to do is stay at the front desk for the entire night and answer the phone. All of the 911 calls have been re-routed to the new station so Jessica’s job is mostly to make sure that no one enters the station who shouldn’t be there. She’s also told to stay out of the way of a HAZMAT crew, which is showing up to clean out the station’s evidence lockers.

Unfortunately, it turns out that just sitting at the front desk is one of those things that sounds easier than it actually is. For one thing, a drunk homeless man keeps showing up and, eventually, Jessica is forced to put him in one the station’s cells. Secondly, the station keeps getting calls from a woman named Monica. Monica says that she’s been kidnapped by a cult. Jessica tells Monica to call 911 and tell the police where she is but Monica replies that she is calling 911. But how can that be if all of the calls have been rerouted to the new station?

On top of all that, Jessica keeps hearing strange singing and seeing out-of-place shadows in the hallways. Is it just her imagination or is there someone — or something — in the station with her and the HAZMAT team? A mysterious woman appears, smoking a cigarette outside of the station. She tells Jessica that, years ago, the same cult that killed her father committed mass suicide in the station. Shortly afterwards, Jessica is visited by another cop who claims that he knew her father and that he was present when the cult died….

Largely taking place in one location and over the course of one long night, Last Shift is an effectively atmospheric horror film. The nearly deserted station is creepy and Juliana Harkavy gives a good and sympathetic performance as Jessica. To a certain extent, the film is a perhaps a bit too quick to make it clear that something supernatural is happening at the station. I would have liked it if the film had played a little bit more with the idea of all of the strange events just being in Jessica’s head. (Early on, the film does play with that possibility.) Instead, by making it a little too obvious what’s happening, this is one of those films that does leave you wondering why Jessica stays in the station for as long as she does. Every bit of common sense would say to leave and deal with the professional consequences once you’ve escaped from the supernatural horror looking to destroy you. Losing your job sucks but it’s still preferable to losing your life. But, if you can overlook that one flaw, Last Shift is a genuinely frightening horror film, one that plays out like a filmed nightmare and which builds up to a surprise ending.

This is one to save for the next time you feel like watching something really scary. Don’t watch alone!

It Came Nameless in Spring, Review by Case Wright

Posted on October 31, 2022 by casewright

Happy Halloween! I really tried to contribute as much as possible this year. I’ve been beaten down by really really hard engineering classes and a Professor who shows up slurring words- Bombed. It’s annoying/sad. However, this short film is neither annoying, nor sad. I didn’t know that a person could make an alien invasion boring, but here we are.

There are survivors fighting and killing each other over basic staples. There’s a husband and wife, but he’s ill!!!! So, his wife goes on the hunt for medicine. What medicine? Who knows? Also, how would she know what to give him or how much? These questions aren’t raised or answered. She enters a supposedly empty home and fights the owner in the dumbest way possible. She knocks the owner down, but turns her back on her because it’s gotta be stupid.

Another issue with alien invasions stories I have is disease, people are all surviving. How? Our bacteria and viruses would not be able to compete. War of the World would’ve been mutually assured destruction.

I was always weirded out by Mass Effect that way; Shepard is way to eager to jump the bones of an alien species. We just got exposed to coronavirus, does this horny weirdo think that this hot blue alien wouldn’t have some sort of virus? She’s from another planet, you degenerate weirdo! Things evolved there and it wasn’t us! At the very least, she’ll give you an alien cold sore that’s probably Sapient Space Herpes (SSH), there’s not enough Blistex in the world to fight that!

I can’t stand morons! I was yelling at my computer screen the whole time and not in a good way. Listen, it’s either the apocalypse or not. If the aliens are killing everybody, you either fight or jump to your doom because chances are they will eat us. They’re not here to fall in love with us.

Back to my boring short film, you eventually see the floating alien, which is a big jellyfish. This is just dumb; I can suspend some disbelief for a spaceship, but you’re serving up a big Man-of-War jellyfish to take out humanity. We could just all pee on it! Problem solved!!! I’m sorry, things just float about in the air- stop it! I get Brian Otting slept through physics, but come on – haven’t you ever been on a plane before?! I’ll review something else! I can’t let this be the last of Halloween!

Horror on the Lens: Night of the Living Dead (dir by George Romero)

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Happy Halloween everyone!

Well, as another horrorthon draws to a close, it’s time for another Shattered Lens tradition! Every Halloween, we share one of the greatest and most iconic horror films ever made. For your Halloween enjoyment, here is George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead!

(Be sure to read Arleigh’s equally famous review!)

A Blast From The Past: A Trip To The Moon (dir. by Georges Melies)

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On October 1st, Case reviewed Moon. What better way to celebrate October 31st than taking a trip to the moon with classic film that came out 120 years ago?

Directed and written by Georges Melies, A Trip to The Moon is often cited as the first sci-fi film and the image of the capsule crashing into the eye of the man in the moon is one of the most iconic in film history. Seen today, the film seems both charmingly innocent and remarkably ahead of its time.

For me, it always takes a minute or two to adjust to the aesthetic of early films. We’ve grown so used to all the editing tricks that modern filmmakers use to tell their stories that these old silent films, with their lack of dramatic camera movement and obvious theatrical origins, often take some effort to get used to. Still, the effort is often worth it.

Here then is Georges Melies’s 1902 science fiction epic, A Trip To The Moon.

October Positivity: God’s Club (dir by Jared Cohn)

Posted on October 30, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In the 2015 film, God’s Club, Stephen Baldwin stars as Michael Evens.

Michael is a teacher at the local high school. His wife is also a teacher and it is quickly established that she is quite a bit more religious than her husband. In fact, she’s the sponsor of the after-school Christian club. This club is very controversial because God’s Club is one of those films that takes place in a community where everyone is not only an atheist but also a total jerk about it. It’s like everyone learned how to be an atheist by watching Richard Dawkins YouTube videos. At a school board meeting, parents shout about separation of church and state and warn that they are not going to sit by while their children are brainwashed. Principal Max Graves (Corbin Bernsen, giving the film’s best performance as the sole voice of reason at the high school) explains that no one is being forced to attend the club. Michael, for his part, remains quiet. Later, as they’re driving home, Michael and his wife are in a serious accident. Michael survives. His wife asks him to pray with her and then promptly dies.

Weeks later, a guilt-stricken Michael returns to school. It turns out that most of the students are just as jerky as their parents. When Michael opens his class with a moment of silence for his dead wife, one of his students reports him for praying in class. This leads to the parents demanding that Michael be fired. Spencer Rivers (played by Lorenzo Lamas) is especially adamant that Michael should not be allowed to teach and he even goes so far as to insult the memory of Michael’s dead wife. Making things even more tense is Michael’s decision to restart God’s Club himself. Needless to say, this leads to even more controversy but it also gives Michael a chance to make peace with both himself and his guilt over his wife’s death.

Christian teachers being persecuted by atheist parents and mindless government enforcers is a recurring theme when it comes to faith-based films. Perhaps the best-known example of this is God’s Not Dead 2, in which Ray Wise literally cackles with delight as he thinks about ruining Melissa Joan Hart’s life. (“We are going to prove that God is dead,” Wise explains to his legal team, none of whom point out that it would be smarter to just settle the case and move on.) The debate over whether or not religion should be allowed in schools is a legitimate one but films like God’s Club (and God’s Not Dead 2) tend to approach the subject in such a melodramatic that it’s difficult to really pay much attention to their arguments. It’s not enough that the parents in God’s Club are perhaps being a little bit paranoid in their belief that their children are going to be preached to. Instead, the parents are portrayed as being so evil that they can’t even show the least bit of kindness to a man who has just lost his wife in a sudden tragedy. One thing that all of these films have in common is that they take place in world in which there are no polite atheists.

Stephen Baldwin, who is usually the only lively thing about the films in which appears, gives a rather stilted performance as Michael. According to the film’s IMDb page, Baldwin was dealing with some health issues while filming God’s Club and perhaps that’s why he seems to be so disinterested in the film. Baldwin seems to be just as depressed when his wife is alive as he is after the car accident. At the end of the film, everyone seems to be excited about God’s Club except for him. It’s hard not to think that maybe Michael would be better off just retiring and maybe moving to Florida. By the end of the film, he’s earned some time on the beach.

TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Sinister Squad (dir by Jeremy Inman)

Posted on October 30, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

A group of cultists who worship Death are threatening to destroy the world so a mysterious operative named Alice (Christina Licciardi) assembles a group of fairy tale villains and heroes to help defeat them. Unfortunately, getting The Big Bad Wolf, Goldilocks, the Mad Hatter, Bluebeard, and a host of others to work together isn’t as easy as it should be. Complicating things is the evil Rumpelstiltskin (Johnny Rey Diaz), who is imprisoned with a mask over his face to keep him from convincing anyone to say his name. Just as he is responsible for smashing the magic mirror that unleashed Death and his evil followers on the world, he also might be the only one who can stop the cult. But at what price?

I watched the 2016 film, Sinister Squad, last night. I have to admit that I had a pretty difficult time following the plot. Produced by the Asylum, Sinister Squad is a sequel to Avengers Grimm. Avengers Grimm was a mockbuster of The Avengers, in which all of the heroes were fairly tale characters. Sinister Squad is a mockbuster of Suicide Squad, in which a group of fairy tale villains are recruited to save the world. Avengers Grimm was a surprisingly fun movie but Sinister Squad gets bogged down by its own low budget, with nearly the entire film taking place in one location. It’s kind of hard to make an epic action film when you can’t afford more than one set.

That set is a warehouse, where the members of the Sinister Squad are imprisoned. It’s also where Alice is storing Death’s scythe. Death wants his scythe back so he sends his followers to retrieve it and it leads to a bit of a one-sided battle. Indeed, none of the members of the Sinister Squad seem to be that effective when it comes to defending the world and it’s hard not to feel that Alice should have made more of an effort to recruit some of Death’s followers. Probably the most impressive of Death’s acolytes is Bluebeard (Trae Ireland), who can throw knives in slow motion and steal the souls of those he kills. (He calls them his “wives” because he’s Bluebeard.) Still, as impressive a bad guy as Bluebeard might be, it’s hard not to wonder why he’s there because it’s not as if Bluebeard is a fairy tale character. It seems like a waste to have Goldilocks face off against Bluebeard as opposed to three bears.

As I said, the plot of this one is not always easy to follow. If you haven’t seen Avengers Grimm, you’ll be totally lost. I have seen Avengers Grimm and I still wasn’t always sure what everyone in Sinister Squad was going on about. On the plus side, some of the costumes are nicely done. Bluebeard was properly intimidating. I sympathized with the Big Bad Wolf, who was apparently just misunderstood. I respected Alice and her refusal to surrender. For the most part, though, Sinister Squad was more underwhelming than sinister.

The Falling (1986, directed by Deran Serafian)

Posted on October 30, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

After a piece of the Skylab space station crashes into rural Spain, first the cows and then the wolves are infected by a cosmic virus that turns them into cannibalistic monsters. Soon, the virus spreads to a nearby town and the villagers also start to transform into mindless flesheaters. While NASA tries to contain the virus and keep the rest of the world from finding out, three American college students drive their RV into the village. Damon (Dennis Christopher), Michael (Martin Hewitt), and Samantha (Lynn-Holly Johnson) soon find themselves fighting for survival as they are pursued by both the mutants and the government. Working with a helpful scientist, they try to recover an antidote before it is too late.

Also released under the title Alien Predator, The Falling deserves a lot of credit for knowing exactly what it is. It’s a low budget, B-movie and it doesn’t try to convince us that it’s anything else. As soon as I saw the red buggy that was hooked up to the book of the RV, I knew that this was going to be good. Eventually, Michael gets in the dune buggy and gets chased around the village by the flesheaters and the movie starts to feel like an extended episode of Starsky and Hutch. The three leads are likable, even if they are also too old to be believable college students. Christopher makes jokes and tries to sound like James Cagney, Hewitt does a Rod Serling impersonation, and Lynn-Holly Johnson looks good while screaming. People who watch movies like this for the gore will appreciate the exploding head scene. All in all, The Falling is an enjoyable “bad” movie.

Retro Television Reviews: Invitation to Hell (dir by Wes Craven)

Posted on October 30, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1984’s Invitation to Hell. It can be viewed on YouTube!

There’s one rule in life that should never be forgotten.

Any movie that opens with Susan Lucci casting a hex that causes a man’s head to explode is going to be worth watching.

That’s certainly the case with Invitation to Hell, a 1984 made-for-TV movie that casts Lucci as Jessica Jones, an insurance agent who lives and works in an upper class suburb in Southern California. Jessica not only sells insurance but she also runs the ultra-exclusive Steaming Springs Country Club! Anyone who is anyone in town is a member of Steaming Springs! Of course, joining Steaming Springs requires going through a strange ceremony in which you walk into a mist-filled room. Jessica says that the room is called “the Spring” and that it contains everything that someone would need to be happy. However, one need only consider that the film is called Invitation to Hell to guess that Jessica might not be completely honest.

Matt Winslow (Robert Urich) and his family have just moved into the suburbs. Matt’s an engineer whose job involves designing a state-of-the-art space suit. Matt is a little bit annoyed when Jessica starts pressuring him and his family to join the country club. He’s even more perturbed when his wife (Joanna Cassidy), upon returning from the mist-filled room, starts acting and dressing just like Jessica. Matt soon comes to suspect that something strange might be happening, especially after his own daughter attacks him! Fortunately, Matt’s spacesuit comes with a flame thrower, a laser, and a built-in computer that can determine whether or not someone is actually a human being. (Wearing the space helmet means viewing the world like you’re the Terminator.) Soon, it’s science vs. magic as Matt dons the suit and tries to rescue his family from country club living!

Invitation to Hell is totally ludicrous but also a lot of fun. Robert Urich is properly stolid as the hero while the film itself is, not surprisingly, stolen by Susan Lucci. Lucci is totally and wonderfully over-the-top as Jessica, playing the role with the same cheerfully unapologetic intensity that made her a daytime television star. This is a film that has a little bit for everyone — familiar television actors, flamethrowers, space suits, demonic possession, exploding cars, and even a little bit of social satire as the film suggests that living in the suburbs is a terror even without weird country clubs and chic spell casters.

Interestingly enough, this made-for-television film was directed by none other than Wes Craven! The same year that this film was broadcast, Craven directed a little film called A Nightmare on Elm Street. While Invitation to Hell might not be in the same league as that classic shocker, it’s still an enjoyably campy horror flick.

Insomnia File #58: The Haunting of Helen Walker (dir by Tom McLoughlin)

Posted on October 30, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or Netflix? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you were having trouble getting to sleep last night, you could have gotten on YouTube and watched 1995’s The Haunting of Helen Walker!

What’s it about? Read on but stop me if this sounds familiar.

In Victorian-era England, a somewhat neurotic young woman is hired to serve as the governess for two children who live in a foreboding estate. Once the governess arrives, she discovers that the children — especially little Miles — can be a handful. She also discovers that there was a governess hired before her, a governess who died under mysterious circumstances. At night, the new governess hears strange noises and soon, she becomes convinced that she’s seen the ghosts of both her predecessor and the old governess’s lover, Peter Quint. Everyone else may think that the new governess has allowed the isolation of the estate to get to her but she’s convinced that the ghosts have possessed the children! She becomes determined to save the children, even at the risk of their own lives….

If that sounds familiar, then you’ve either read Henry James’ Turn of the Screw or you’ve seen one of the several movies that were based on his novella. The Haunting of Helen Walker, which was made-for-television and initially broadcast in 1995, reimagines James’s unnamed governess as Helen Walker, an American woman played by Valerie Bertinelli. The Haunting of Helen Walker also differs from its source material in that it leaves little doubt about the fact that the ghosts are real and the children have been possessed. While the novella is deliberately unclear about whether the governess is correct or if she’s just hallucinating, The Haunting of Helen Walker has little use for such ambiguity.

Still, if you can accept the changes to the source material, The Haunting of Helen Walker is an entertaining and atmospheric ghost story. Director Tom McLoughlin doesn’t waste any time getting to the action and Christopher Guard makes for an appropriately brooding and dangerous Peter Quint. At first, it’s a bit jarring to hear Valerie Bertenelli’s American accent in what is essentially the epitome of a British ghost story but she gets better as the film progresses and she does an especially good job during the film’s dramatic climax. Finally, Diana Rigg does a great job playing the estate’s intimidating housekeeper, Mrs. Grose. She’s skeptical of Helen from the minute she arrives and the fact that Helen says she can see ghosts doesn’t do much to improve Mrs. Grose’s opinion.

In the end, this is an entertaining, if hardly definitive, take on Henry James’s novella. Having been made for 90s television, it actually has to be rather restrained in its shocks but that actually works to the film’s advantage, forcing the movie to rely on atmosphere over jump scares. The Haunting of Helen Walker is currently on YouTube and it’s fine viewing for a rainy night.