To quote Amy Shark, this song is “an anthem for anyone who is waking up everyday fighting for what they believe in and challenging the universe!”
(For the record, Amy Billings and Amy Shark are one in the same.)
Enjoy!
Author Archives: Lisa Marie Bowman
Let’s Talk About Santa Jaws (dir by Misty Talley)
Last night, about twenty minutes into the latest SyFy shark movie, I declared the following on twitter:
51 favs and 15 retweets later, I stand by my declaration. Sorry, Jaws. Step aside, Deep Blue Sea. It’s been fun, Sharknado 5. Santa Jaws is officially the greatest shark movie ever made.
The scene in question took place on Christmas Eve. Lovable Poppa (Ritchie Montgomery) is fishing out on the bayou and drinking from his thermos of eggnog when, suddenly, a shark jumps out of the water and eats him. It happens rather suddenly, so suddenly in fact that you only barely notice the fact that the shark has red eyes. It’s only as the shark is swimming away that we see that Santa’s hat is sitting on its fin. And, if we listen really carefully, we can hear the sound of jingling bells.
From the minute that people learned that SyFy was going to be broadcasting a movie called Santa Jaws, the question became just how literally we should take the title. Would Santa actually be a shark? Or would it just be a shark movie that happened during the Christmas season? And there was one question in particular that we were all wondering:
https://twitter.com/ggfletcher/status/1029438582447132673
Well, the answer is yes. Santa Jaws does take place during the Christmas season. While Santa Jaws may not literally be Santa-turned-into-a-shark, he still brings a family together, just like any visit from Santa should. And yes … the shark wears a Santa hat on his fin.
The film deals with Cody (Reid Miller), a teenage outcast and comic book artist. Cody is not having a great holiday season. Not only is there no snow on the ground (the film does take place in Louisiana, after all) but his family seems to be more proud of his athletic older brother, Josh (Arthur Marroquin), than of him. On top of everything else, he’s been grounded because of a less-than flattering picture that he drew of his school’s principal. Cody’s mood would probably improve if he knew that his next door neighbor, Jena (Courtney Lauren Collins), is also into comics but Cody can’t even work up the courage to speak to her.
Cody, however, has received one early Christmas present. Poppa gives him a magic pen, which a frustrated Cody uses to draw a picture of Santa Jaws while complaining about how he wishes his family would just go away. Cody, of course, doesn’t mean what he says. Anyone who has ever been a teenager and who has ever had a bad day will immediately understand that. However, the magic pen doesn’t understand that and soon, Santa Jaws has not only come to life but it’s after Cody’s family!
Now, you may be getting the feeling that Santa Jaws is not meant to be taken too seriously and, in that case, you would be correct. As far as Misty Talley shark movies are concerned, Santa Jaws has more in common with the cheerful meta comedy of Mississippi River Sharks than the dark horror of Zombie Shark. With the exception of one unfortunate elf who finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time, there’s not a lot of blood in Santa Jaws. However, there are plenty of puns, courtesy of Cody’s best friend, Steve (Hawn Tran). (My favorite was when Steve said that the shark was “gill-ty.”) This is the type of film where, when the comic book store owner (Scott Allen Perry), gets his hands on the pen, he promptly draws a Russian girlfriend, a nice car, and several million dollars. Though a lot of people are eaten over the course of Santa Jaws, neither the film nor the characters lose their sense of humor.
It’s a fun movie and on that delivers exactly what it promises and a whole lot more. It’s a film that gives you a shark with a Santa hat on its fin but it also delivers clever dialogue and committed performances. Reid Miller and Courtney Lauren Cummings are likable protagonists and Hawn Tran and Scott Allen Perry provide effective comedic relief. Arthur Marroquin turns big brother Josh into a nicely rounded character while Jim Klock, Carrie Lazar, Miles Doleac, Haviland Stillwell, and Ritchie Montgomery all have a good moments as the members of Cody’s family. In the end, you really do hope that the family will still manage to have a merry Christmas.
And, of course, there’s the shark. The shark loves Christmas, as we all do. The shark has glowing red eyes, the better to guide your sleigh at night. And yes, the shark wears a Santa cap on its fin.
Santa Jaws was a lot of fun and I’m hoping SyFy will be smart enough to show it every Christmas. At the very least, we need a sequel. Santa Jaws Conquers The Martians, anyone?
Music Video Of The Day: My Own Summer by Deftones (1997, dir by Dean Karr)
Since it’s shark week on the SyFy Network, I figured this would be as good a time as any to share this shark-related video.
In this video, the Deftones perform while standing on shark cages. Which … I don’t know. That, honestly, is something that I would never do. It just seems like you’re inviting trouble and, to prove my point, Chino Moreno does fall into the water while performing. Apparently, Chino survived being attacked by the shark because he’s still around. Maybe he’s like Felix Leiter in the James Bond novels and he’s bionic now.
To quote Mr. Big in Live and Let Die: “He disagreed with something that ate him.”
Anyway, this video was directed by Dean Karr, who has directed music videos for everyone from Korn to Lisa Marie Presley.
Enjoy!
Music Video of the Day: Deepest Bluest (Shark Fin) by LL Cool J (1999, dir by Renny Harlin)
Seeing as how this is shark week on the SyFy network and I reviewed both Deep Blue Sea and Deep Blue Sea 2 on Sunday, it seems appropriate that today’s music video of the day should feature LL Cool J turning into a shark.
I mean, doesn’t it!?
Anyway, this is one of the songs that plays over the end credits of Deep Blue Sea. The video was directed by Renny Harlin and features several clips from the film. And, of course, LL Cool J turns into a shark.
Enjoy!
Let’s Talk About Megalodon (dir by James Thomas)
Right now, the SyFy channel is counting down the days to the premiere of The Last Sharknado by not only rebroadcasting some classic shark films from the past but by also premiering a new movie each night. Monday’s premiere was Megalodon and what can I say other than it was one of the most brilliant SyFy films of all time?
Produced by the Asylum (the same company behind the Sharknado franchise), Megalodon takes place out in the middle of the ocean. An American military vessel is searching for the remains of a mysterious submarine. In command of the mission is the tough and no-nonsense Captain Streeper (Dominic Pace). Second-in-command to Streeper is Commander Lynch (Caroline Harris), who is literally fearless. Observing is Streeper’s mentor, Admiral King and the fact that the Admiral is played by Michael Madsen is just one of the things that makes Megalodon one of the best Asylum films ever!
Anyway, the Americans eventually find the submarine, just to discover that it’s full of Russians! Ivanov (Dimitry Rozental) and Popov (Aimee Stolte) may claim that they were just doing scientific research on sharks and whales but both Streeper and Lynch know better. And when the Russians claim that there submarine was attacked by a giant shark, everyone laughs at them.
Until, of course, the giant shark shows up….
Now, you probably think that you know what’s going to happen. If you think the shark is going to end up attacking the American vessel, you’re right. If you think that a bunch of random fisherman are going to show up and get promptly swallowed by the shark, you’re right again. And if you think those dastardly Russians have something up their nefarious sleeves, well again, you’re right…
But then there’s all the things that you don’t expect. For instance, a good deal of the movie actually takes place inside of the shark as the crew of a diving bell try to figure out how to get back outside of it. And then there’s the scenes of Streeper and the Russians debating global politics. And, as I previously stated, there’s Michael Madsen as Admiral King. Madsen only has a few minutes of screen time but he makes the most of them. He delivers his lines with a self-mocking gravity, letting us know that he’s as in on the joke as we are. He even gets a scene where he gets to talk to the shark while smoking a cigar and you better believe that he totally knocks it out of the park. A lot of people on twitter pointed out that no admiral would have hair as long and unruly as Michael Madsen’s but they’re missing the point. Michael Madsen’s job isn’t to convince us that he’s a career Naval officer. In this film, Michael Madsen’s job is to be Michael Madsen and nobody does it better.
In the best tradition of the Asylum, Megalodon is a wonderfully self-aware movie. It’s cheerfully and unapologetically over-the-top. The entire cast seems to be having a blast and they’re all a lot of fun to watch. Dominic Pace gets to deliver the Independence Day “We’ll Never Stop Fighting” speech towards the end of the film and he delivers it with just the right combination of sincerity and humor. Caroline Harris brings a lot of authority to the role of the determined Lynch and both Dimitry Rozental and Aimee Stolte are wonderfully arrogant and villainous as the Russians. And then there’s the shark, which is big and intimidating and who attacks boats and eats sailors with a panache all of its own. Megalodon is pure entertainment and it all works wonderfully well. Watch it with a group of your snarkiest friends and have a blast!
Megalodon gives us evil Russians, a giant shark, and Michael Madsen. How can you not enjoy that?
Lisa’s Week In Review: 8/6/18 — 8/12/18
Another long week comes to an end but at least next week is Sharknado week on SyFy!
Movies I Watched:
- Atomic Shark (2016)
- Bitter Harvest (1981)
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
- Chappaquiddick (2018)
- The Death of Stalin (2018)
- Deep Blue Sea (1999)
- Deep Blue Sea 2 (2018)
- Empire of the Sharks (2017)
- How To Make A Monster (1958)
- Into the Night: Portraits of Light and Death (2018)
- Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)
- Killer Single Dad (2018)
- Looking for Eric (2009)
- Love Begins (2011)
- Love’s Everlasting Courage (2011)
- Mississippi River Sharks (2017)
- Planet of the Sharks (2016)
- Nocturne (2016)
- Ozark Sharks (2016)
- The Spy Who Dumped Me (2018)
- Trailer Park Sharks (2017)
- Tully (2018)
Television Shows I Watched:
- Bachelor in Paradise
- The Bachelorette
- Bar Rescue
- Big Brother 20
- Big Brother After Dark
- Better Call Saul
- Dance Moms
- King of the Hill
- Monstresses
- Parking Wars
- People Magazine Investigates Cults
- Sharp Edges
- Unsolved Mysteries
- Young Sheldon
Books I Read:
- The CEO: An Interactive Book (2005) by Owen Burke and Duff McDonald
- A Duke By Default: Reluctant Royals (2018) by Alyssa Cole
- Fiasco: A History of Hollywood’s Iconic Flops (2006) by James Robert Parrish
- The Great Alone (2018) by Kirstin Hannah
Music To Which I Listened:
- Above & Beyond
- Big Data
- Britney Spears
- The Chemical Brothers
- DJ Judaa
- Ennio Morricone
- Florence + The Machine
- Goblin
- Jack White
- Jakalope
- Jake Bugg
- Kedr Livanskiy
- Loyle Carner
- Moby
- Riz Ortolani
- RP Boo
- Saint Motel
- Sleigh Bells
- Taylor Swift
Links From Last Week:
- I shared A Thought On Voting.
- From my dream journal: Last Night’s Weird Dorm Dream and Last Night’s Money Related Dream
- From my sister’s photography site: Birds In A Storm, Rain Driving, Falling Rain, Wet Cement, Grill in the Rain, Find the Bat, and The Alley Is There.
- On Horror Critic, I reviewed How To Make A Monster!
- On my music site, I shared music from Jack White, Florence + The Machine, Kedr Livanskiy, more from Florence + The Machine, The Chemical Brothers, Above & Beyond, and Jakalope!
- The Motion Picture Academy Has Become Desperate
- 7 New Oscar Categories The Academy Needs To Create (Instead of Best Popular Film)
- How Black Panther Blew Up The Academy’s Attempt To Meet ABC’s Oscar Demands
- Behind Hollywood’s A-List Bidding War for a McDonald’s Monopoly Article
- Hey, Buzzfeed, Che Guevara Was A Bloodthirsty Terrorist
Links From The Site:
- Erin paid tribute to the covers of Dime Detective Magazine and shared artwork from Rudy Nappi, Margaret Brundage, V.E. Pyles, Nina Albright, an unknown artist, C.B. Mayshark, and another unknown artist!
- Gary paid tribute to Robert Mitchum, took a look at the TV career of Irwin Allen, and reviewed The Lady of Burlesque, Odds Against Tomorrow, and Gabriel over The White House.
- Jeff shared music videos from Eddie Murphy, Air Supply, Corey Hart, Donny Osmond (!), The Soup Dragons, Aerosmith, and Breakfast Club!
- Ryan reviewed Space Basket and Face Man, along with sharing his weekly reading round-up!
- I reviewed Death Wish, Deep Blue Sea, and Deep Blue Sea 2, shared some Oscar thoughts, and wished Sam Elliott a happy birthday!
Let’s Talk About Deep Blue Sea 2 (dir by Darin Scott)
So, today was the first day of SyFy’s final Sharknado week. Leading up to next Sunday’s premiere of The Last Sharknado, SyFy is not only going to be rebroadcasting some of their classic shark films but they’re also going to be premiering a new film every night of the week.
(I’m in Killer Shark Heaven! Yes, the real one…)
They got things started tonight with Deep Blue Sea 2.
Now, before anything else, I should clarify that Deep Blue Sea 2 made its television premiere tonight but the movie itself has actually been out for a while. As opposed to the Sharknado films, Deep Blue Sea 2 was not specifically produced for or by the SyFy Network. Instead, the production honors go to Warner Bros, the same company that distributed the first Deep Blue Sea. Way back in April, Deep Blue Sea 2 was released on Blu-ray, DVD, Digital HD, and VOD and it actually did quite well for a straight-to-video release. There were enough fans of the original film that the sequel was able to rank in the top 10 of VOD releases for two straight weeks.
So, Deep Blue Sea 2 was not produced by the Asylum. Perhaps it would have been better if it had been.
Deep Blue Sea 2 retells the basic story of Deep Blue Sea, just on a much smaller level. Whereas Deep Blue Sea featured an army of big, scary sharks, the sequel features one really big shark and a bunch of baby sharks, all of which are cute but deadly. Whereas the first film was distinguished by detailed set design that gave the underwater laboratory a lived-in feel, the sequel features a lab that is frequently so dark and underlit that I often had a hard time distinguishing one actor from another. Whereas the first film features recognizable actors like Samuel L. Jackson and Stellan Skarsgard getting eaten by sharks, the sequel features a cast that, with the exception of Michael Beach, is largely unknown.
And while the entire cast is undeniably talented and does the best that they can with what they’ve been given to work with, everyone in the film is playing a type. Michael Beach is Durant, the pharmaceutical billionaire who, despite what happened in the first film, is breeding super intelligent sharks and drinking their blood. (You read that right.) Danielle Savre is Misty Calhoun, the shark conservationist who thinks that mankind is to blame for all the troubles in the world. Rob Mayes is Trent Slater, the Navy SEAL who knows how to fight sharks. Nathan Lynn is Aaron, the nerdy virgin computer guy. Kim Syster and Jeremy Jess Boado are the obviously doomed married couple. Darron Myer is the guy who you know is going to die as soon as you notice that he doesn’t take off his tie, even when he’s in an underwater lab. And then you have Cameron Robertson as the guy who sticks his arm down a shark’s throat and Adrian Collins as the diver who thinks it’s a good idea to taunt sharks that can literally jump out of the water and bite your head off.
Of course, as soon as everyone’s in the lab, the super smart sharks rebel and the majority of the cast ends up getting eaten. There’s no big shock there. Some of the gore effects are well-done. Faces are ripped off with panache and one unfortunate victim falls apart as soon as he’s pulled out of the water. Michael Beach has a lot of fun with the role of the ranting Durant and it was impossible not to smile whenever he would smirk off Misty’s outrage. For the most part, though, Deep Blue Sea 2 moved too slowly and didn’t feature enough shark action. That said, I think this is the first shark film that I’ve ever seen in which the sharks actually growl at people and that’s got to be worth something.
Film Review: Deep Blue Sea (1999, dir by Renny Harlin)
Since I’m going to be watching Deep Blue Sea 2 on the SyFy network later tonight, I figured that I should rewatch the first Deep Blue Sea beforehand.
This 1999 shark attack film takes place on a laboratory that’s floating out in the middle of the ocean. It’s the weekend so the majority of the people who work at the lab are gone. Only a skeleton crew, made up of recognizable actors, remains. There’s Susan McAlester (Saffron Burrows) and Jim Whitlock (Stellan Skarsgard), two brilliant scientists. (Susan is passionate and committed. Jim is drunk and cynical.) There’s a marine biologist named Jan (Jacqueline McKenzie), who is such a positive presence that, from the minute she first shows up, you know that there’s no way she’s going to be alive at the end of the movie. Tom (Michael Rapaport) is an engineer. Brenda (Aida Turturro) is in charge of communicating with the outside world. Preacher (LL Cool J) is a chef who acts a lot like LL Cool J. And then there’s Carter Blake (Thomas Jane), the shark wrangler with a past. Carter is obviously going to be our hero because, with a name like Carter Blake, there’s no way that he couldn’t be.
Finally, there’s Russell Franklin (Samuel L. Jackson). Russell is the businessman who has been funding all of the research at the lab. Even though he doesn’t quite understand what Susan and Jim are doing, he’s been very generous. However, after a shark escapes and nearly eats four generic teens, Russell decides that he better find out what exactly is being done with his money.
Jim and Susan are trying to develop a cure for Alzheimer’s. Susan says that, if their experiments are successful, one pill will be able to reverse the disease. They’ve been running tests on sharks and … well, let’s just say that Susan and Jim haven’t exactly been honest or ethical about their experiments. (Movie scientists always cut corners, don’t they?) Basically, they’ve been genetically engineering the sharks to increase the size of their brain.
The end result?
SUPER SHARKS!
To paraphrase the film’s poster, these sharks are big, fast, smart, and mean! And needless to say, they’re sick of being held captive. Soon, the lab is besieged by angry sharks and no one is safe!
That includes Samuel L. Jackson. Deep Blue Sea is best known for the scene where Samuel L. Jackson gives a rousing speech, in which he exhorts everyone to keep fighting and not give up, right before a shark jumps out of the water and eats him. It’s a great scene, one that makes brilliant use of Samuel L. Jackson. I mean, let’s be honest. You don’t expect Samuel L. Jackson to get eaten by a shark and, as soon as he’s gone, you look at the survivors and you think to yourself, “So, now you’re depending on LL Cool J and Thomas Jane to save you? Y’all are so screwed…”
And yet, it’s also significant that the only scene from Deep Blue Sea that people really remember is that shark eating Samuel L. Jackson. With the exception of the one moment, Deep Blue Sea is an incredibly predictable movie. From the minute you see that Jim is played by Stellan Skarsgard, you know that he’s doing something wrong with the sharks. The dialogue is often cringe-worthy and the characters are all thinly drawn. The sharks are occasionally impressive but the movie doesn’t really do enough with the idea of them of being super smart. Was I hoping for scenes of the sharks talking to each other? I guess I was.
That said, as I watched Deep Blue Sea, I was surprised to discover that I had forgotten just how likable and efficient the movie was. Director Renny Harlin doesn’t waste any time trying to convince us that we’re watching anything more than just a slightly silly shark movie. Wisely, Harlin unapologetically embraces Deep Blue Sea’s B-movie roots and, with the help of a game cast, the end result is a film that is enjoyably unpretentious and straight forward. Samuel L. Jackson was not devoured in vain.
Scenes That I Love: Happy Birthday, Sam Elliott!
Today is the 73rd birthday of the perennially underrated actor, Sam Elliott!
Sam’s been acting for longer than I’ve been alive. He’s been in a ton of good movies and he’s given some truly iconic performances and yet, with all that in mind, he still seems to be strangely underrated. At the very least, he deserved an Oscar nomination for his performance in last year’s The Hero. There’s some speculation that he might get one this year for his role in A Star is Born.
With all that said, most people seem to know Sam Elliott best for playing The Stranger in 1998’s The Big Lebowski. So, with that in mind, here’s a scene I love featuring Sam Elliott from that very film!
Sam Elliott abides.
Some Thoughts On Today’s Really Bad Oscar News
Today, we learned some news about the future of the Academy Awards and it was pretty much all bad.
First off, here’s the message that was issued earlier today:
Dear Member,
Last night, the Board of Governors met to elect new board officers, and discuss and approve significant changes to the Oscars telecast.
The Board of Governors, staff, Academy members, and various working groups spent the last several months discussing improvements to the show.
Tonight, the Board approved three key changes:
1. A three-hour Oscars telecast
We are committed to producing an entertaining show in three hours, delivering a more accessible Oscars for our viewers worldwide.
To honor all 24 award categories, we will present select categories live, in the Dolby Theatre, during commercial breaks (categories to be determined). The winning moments will then be edited and aired later in the broadcast.
2. New award category
We will create a new category for outstanding achievement in popular film. Eligibility requirements and other key details will be forthcoming.
3. Earlier airdate for 92nd Oscars
The date of the 92nd Oscars telecast will move to Sunday, February 9, 2020, from the previously announced February 23. The date change will not affect awards eligibility dates or the voting process.
The 91st Oscars telecast remains as announced on Sunday, February 24, 2019.
We have heard from many of you about improvements needed to keep the Oscars and our Academy relevant in a changing world. The Board of Governors took this charge seriously.
We are excited about these steps, and look forward to sharing more details with you.
John Bailey and Dawn Hudson
Let’s take this point-by-point.
Number one: the three-hour telecast.
Who cares? I mean, yes, the Oscars always run long. But really, that’s part of the charm of the whole ceremony. It never runs as smoothly as it’s supposed to and it’s a reminder that, as smug as Hollywood can be, they have as difficult a time meeting deadlines as the rest of us.
But, even if you do think that the length of the ceremony is really a big issue, is the solution really to punish the winners? For me, one of the good things about the Oscar ceremony is that it acknowledges what is too often forgotten. Film is a collaborative medium. People like Roger Deakins, Colleen Atwood, Joi McMillon, and Carter Burwell are just as important to the overall quality of a film as Ryan Gosling or Jennifer Lawrence. Giving them their awards during a commercial break is not only insulting on a personal level but it also goes against everything that the Oscars should stand for.
Plus, I happen to love it when a previously unknown filmmaker wins the Oscar for Best Live Action Short Film and then totally geeks out about it on the stage. I mean, that’s the magic of the movies right there. At that moment, you’re sharing the best moment of this person’s life. If I have to choose between listening to Chris Overton and Rachel Shelton talk about winning the Oscar for their short film, The Silent Child, or listening to Meryl Streep insist that she’s actually just a working mom from New Jersey, I’m going with Overton and Shelton every time.
If you want to cut down on the length of the ceremony, how about not opening with the host giving a 10-minute monologue? How about not wasting time with those always cringe-worthy segments where stars visit the theater next door or the host insists that everyone buy his daughter’s girl scout cookies?
(I know that everyone loved the Oscar selfie but seriously, every ceremony now feels the need to try to top it and it’s just annoying.)
How about not even having a host? Or at the very least, how about a host who will just introduce the presenters without bring their own time-consuming schtick to the stage? I mean, Jimmy Kimmel has a show of his own to have celebrities read mean tweets on. There’s no need to bring the Oscar ceremony to a halt for it.
Number Two: Best Achievement In Popular Film
Eh. You might as well just call this the Christopher Nolan Trophy or maybe the MCU Award. Though the details aren’t clear yet, it basically sounds like a participation trophy.
Basically, this award says, “We’re not willing to seriously consider a film like Black Panther for any of the major awards but we’re freaking out about the ratings so here’s an honorable mention.” It’s kinda like in high school, when someone would really debase themselves to get the popular kids to come to their party and you ended up losing respect for them regardless of whether the party was good or not.
We all know that the Academy needs to open its mind and, at the very least, give some consideration to films like Wonder Woman, The Dark Knight, Skyfall, and Black Panther. But this isn’t the way to do it. If anything, this award just gives the Academy even more of a excuse to ignore those “popular” films when it comes time to select the nominees for Best Picture.
Add to that, what does popular mean anyway? Why not just give a trophy to the producer of the film that made the most money at the box office?
Number Three: The new dates
To be honest, this upset me more than anything. This doesn’t take effect until 2020 but, if the ceremony is moving to February 9th, then when are the nominations going to be announced? Considering that most Oscar contenders get a limited release before going wide in January, this is going to create a situation where people like me, who don’t live in Los Angeles and New York and who don’t want to move, aren’t going to be able to see the majority of the nominees before the nominations are announced. It’s interesting that, in their attempt to appeal to a wider audience, the Academy is basically embracing elitism like never before.
Here’s the thing: the Oscars are never going to be cool. They’re just not. Nobody — not even the biggest Oscar fanatics — believe that the Oscars ever truly honors the best films of the year. The Oscars have been around forever and they’re always going to be viewed as being a bit stodgy. If giving best picture to Moonlight couldn’t change that perception, nothing ever will. The more the Oscars try to change, the more they’re like Steve Buscemi carrying a skateboard and saying, “Greetings, fellow kids.”
There may be a solution to the Academy’s woes but this isn’t it.
Oscar, in happier times
