by Paul Stahr
It’s Shark Week so let’s celebrate the occasion with the help of the pulps! Here are some shark-related cover to sharpen your teeth on.
Artist Unknown
Artist Unknown
by George Crichard
by John Leone
by John Richards
by Mort Kunstler
2012’s Avalanche Sharks takes place during Spring Break.
Woo hoo! SPRIIIIIIIIING BREAAAAAAAK! If there’s anything that I truly miss about college, it’s Spring Break! What do you think about when you think about Spring Break? You think about the sun, You think about the days and the nights spent lazily lounging in a bikini. You think about the binge-drinking and the drug-taking and one night stands that you regret the next morning and the realization that you’re only young once.
Avalanche Sharks has all of that. It also has a lot of snow and also sharks.
SHARK BREAK! Woo hoo!
These aren’t any old sharks. These are ghost sharks that swim around in the snow and which pop out to eat the employees and guests of a ski resort. You may be asking yourself how a shark can swim in the snow and I’m not totally sure myself. It probably helps that they’re ghost sharks and not living sharks. Still, it seems like even a ghost shark would prefer the ocean. The film suggests that the sharks are the result of an ancient curse. It also suggests that the sharks are the result of global warming. I’m going to guess that it’s a combination. The ancient curse was reactivated by global warming. Either that or the ghost sharks escaped from a lab and there’s been a massive cover-up to try to keep people from discovering the truth. But, seriously, when has that ever happened?
The movie features the usual collection of characters whose names you will struggle to remember after the movie ends. (I struggled to remember them even before the movie ended.) It’s Spring Break, after all! Why go to the beach when you can just go to a ski resort and apparently spend several days sitting in a jacuzzi? The jacuzzi is a major location in this film and it’s also the film’s excuse to feature bikinis. Myself, I couldn’t help but notice that the characters who got in the jacuzzi apparently never got out, even to sleep. 72 hours in a jacuzzi is something you might do to win a car but it’s not necessarily a good idea when there are ghost sharks around.
“You are the sexiest Marine biologist I know,” one guy says at one point and that’s pretty much sets the standard for the film’s dialogue. The movie is quickly divided between those who know about the avalanche sharks and those who don’t but, to the film’s credit, knowledge does not equal safety. Just about anyone can and will get eaten by the sharks. Some of the gore is a bit icky. The start of the film features a skier suffering a rather serious injury and I briefly had to hide my eyes. That said, it also appears that the gore budget was used up early because the later effects aren’t quite as impressive. What is impressive is the performance of James Ouimet as crazy old Duffy. Duffy is the one who tells everyone that they’re doomed. He seeks revenge after losing his dog to the sharks. “LUNA!” he yells and you totally buy it.
As my friend Jim put it, this is a film the defies a traditional rating. Yes, it would be easy to dismiss it as being another shark movie but, at the same time, it’s so stupidly entertaining that you can’t help but watch. Someone somewhere once said, “Give them snow sharks!” and this film delivered. And for that, I say thank you.
2024’s Shark Warning opens with two boys playing on the beach. They’re brothers, and their uncle Ron (David Chokachi) is supposed to be watching them. However, Ron is more interested in having another beer than in watching his nephews. He walks away while they’re playing in the water. As soon as Ron leaves, a shark pops up and eats one of the kids. Well, these things happen up north….
Twenty years later, Alan Rogers (Andrew J. Katers), the brother who was not eaten, returns to his hometown. It’s been a rough few years for Alan. He’s haunted by the death of his younger brother and the sight of that shark. Alan says he’ll never forget that the shark had a scar above its eye. Still, Alan feels like it’s time for him to come back home and start doing something with his life. Of course, the first thing he does is punch out his Uncle Ron.
Ron says that he deserved to be punched, and he tries to reconnect with his nephew. Alan doesn’t want to have anything to do with Ron, but when a shark with a scar above its eye starts to eat the locals, Alan and Ron have no choice but to team up to get revenge!
Now, you may be asking why, after being absent for 20 years, the same shark would return to one particular fishing village. Well, blame the Mayor (Rebecca Ritz). The annual fishing festival is approaching. If the festival isn’t a hit, the town will go bankrupt. Unfortunately, the fish are being kept away from the village by a dam that was apparently built to keep the shark out. The Mayor pays someone to blow up a small portion of the dam so the fish can get through, but, unfortunately, the shark gets through as well. You just can’t trust small-town mayors!
You really have to feel bad for sharks. It’s true that sharks look fearsome and they’ve got those teeth that can pretty much bite through anything, but for the most part, sharks just swim around and eat whatever they run into. They don’t stalk people for years, despite what the movies tell us. Sharks are predators, but they’re not particularly mean-spirited about it. If you leave a shark alone, it will probably leave you alone as well. Even the Soul Surfer girl forgave that shark that bit off her arm because she knew it was nothing personal.
Unfortunately, due to the movies, people have a totally warped view of sharks and their personalities. That’s certainly the case with Shark Warning, which gives us a rather mean-spirited shark. That said, it’s an entertaining-enough film as long as you’re willing to accept the fact that it’s essentially just a low-budget remake of Jaws. It’s an Asylum film, and that pretty much tells you all there is to say about it. If you know, you know.
I did appreciate that one of the characters was named Lisa. Played by Angela Cole, Lisa owned the village’s most popular bar and sighed with frustration when her sister (Lauren Pike) decided to ditch work so she could go hang out at the beach. Both Cole and Pike were convincing in their roles. Even more importantly, from my perspective, is that I got to hear my name while watching the movie. That’s always nice. As for the rest of the cast, David Chokachi — who my sister and I nicknamed “The Bulge” when we last binged Baywatch (if you know, you know) — wasn’t particularly convincing as someone who had ever felt the slightest bit of angst, but he was still likable as Uncle Ron. I will give a shout-out to the actors who played the townspeople, especially the guy who failed to consider that the shark might bump his boat and break his bottle of strychnine. A real shark would never do that, but this is an Asylum shark!
In the end, the shark was definitely the hero of the film, and that’s the way things should be.
It’s shark week so today’s song of the day is one that means something to sharks everywhere! Imagine what a shark could do with legs!
In honor Shark Week, today’s scene that I love comes from one of my favorite shark movies!
Things can get crazy out there, especially on the Jersey Shore. How can you fight a shark if you can’t even keep your Vinnys straight?
From 2012’s Jersey Shore Shark Attack:
Earlier today, my sister asked me if I could put together some posts to help celebrate Shark Week. I thought about it and I decided that the best way to start Shark Week would be to pay tribute to the film that is responsible for our nation-wide obsession with sharks! Here, for the first day of Shark Week, is some images inspired by the film that started it all!
If you were walking along the beach and you noticed that several bikinis had washed up on shore, what would you do?
Me, I would probably think to myself, “That’s weird. Maybe I should get off this beach because it seems like there’s something strange happening here.” What I would not do, under any circumstances, would be to pick up a bikini and decide to wear one of them.
I mean, that just seems like common sense. You don’t wear bikinis that randomly show up on the beach for much the same reason you don’t dumpster-dive for new underwear. It’s gross. And seriously, if you’re going to the beach, you should have bought and packed a bikini before you left. It may be cheaper to just wear whatever you find buried in the sand, but sometimes it’s worth spending a little money to look good.
Like I said …. IT’S COMMON SENSE!
Unfortunately, none of the characters in 2025’s Bikini Shark have a shred of common sense. When two women come across some bikinis on the beach, they promptly put them on. Later, when another group of women happens to find some bikinis in an isolated house, they also put them on. Soon they’re breaking out into terrible rashes and, even worse, they’re being pursued by sharks that somehow have the power to live and move on land. For all the time everyone spends talking about how sick they’re feeling, it never seems to occur to anyone to just take the cursed bikinis off. Then again, no one seems to think it’s odd that there are sharks somehow making their way into the kitchen.
The villain here is Truman Sullivan (Tyler Winchcombe), a wealthy man who owns a company that makes bikinis. For reasons that are never really that clear, Truman has lost his mind and is convinced that the only way to save the world from destruction is to sacrifice women to sharks. So Truman designed some bikinis specifically to attract sharks. But why did he also design the bikinis to cause the wearer to break into a terrible rash and start throwing up? How does that fit into saving the world? Truman is one of those villains who insists that the sacrifices have to happen quickly but who, at the same time, kidnaps one potential victim and then spends what seems like an eternity monologuing. Hey, Truman, are you trying to save the world or not?
Bikini Shark is a British shark film. It takes place in Essex and features one of the most depressing beaches that I’ve ever seen. The acting is subpar. In the role of Truman’s mother, Kathi deCuoto often appears as if she’s struggling to deliver her dialogue without laughing. If there is some charm to be found in this film, it’s due to the CGI sharks. They’re cute in their way, and it’s hard not to smile at the sight of them “swimming” over dry land. Otherwise, the best that can be said about this film is that it lives up to its name. There are bikinis and there are sharks.
Seriously, though, don’t wear clothes that you just happen to find on the ground. If there’s any lesson that I hope you take from this review, it’s that.
So, today was the first day of SyFy’s final Sharknado week. Leading up to next Sunday’s premiere of The Last Sharknado, SyFy is not only going to be rebroadcasting some of their classic shark films but they’re also going to be premiering a new film every night of the week.
(I’m in Killer Shark Heaven! Yes, the real one…)
They got things started tonight with Deep Blue Sea 2.
Now, before anything else, I should clarify that Deep Blue Sea 2 made its television premiere tonight but the movie itself has actually been out for a while. As opposed to the Sharknado films, Deep Blue Sea 2 was not specifically produced for or by the SyFy Network. Instead, the production honors go to Warner Bros, the same company that distributed the first Deep Blue Sea. Way back in April, Deep Blue Sea 2 was released on Blu-ray, DVD, Digital HD, and VOD and it actually did quite well for a straight-to-video release. There were enough fans of the original film that the sequel was able to rank in the top 10 of VOD releases for two straight weeks.
So, Deep Blue Sea 2 was not produced by the Asylum. Perhaps it would have been better if it had been.
Deep Blue Sea 2 retells the basic story of Deep Blue Sea, just on a much smaller level. Whereas Deep Blue Sea featured an army of big, scary sharks, the sequel features one really big shark and a bunch of baby sharks, all of which are cute but deadly. Whereas the first film was distinguished by detailed set design that gave the underwater laboratory a lived-in feel, the sequel features a lab that is frequently so dark and underlit that I often had a hard time distinguishing one actor from another. Whereas the first film features recognizable actors like Samuel L. Jackson and Stellan Skarsgard getting eaten by sharks, the sequel features a cast that, with the exception of Michael Beach, is largely unknown.
And while the entire cast is undeniably talented and does the best that they can with what they’ve been given to work with, everyone in the film is playing a type. Michael Beach is Durant, the pharmaceutical billionaire who, despite what happened in the first film, is breeding super intelligent sharks and drinking their blood. (You read that right.) Danielle Savre is Misty Calhoun, the shark conservationist who thinks that mankind is to blame for all the troubles in the world. Rob Mayes is Trent Slater, the Navy SEAL who knows how to fight sharks. Nathan Lynn is Aaron, the nerdy virgin computer guy. Kim Syster and Jeremy Jess Boado are the obviously doomed married couple. Darron Myer is the guy who you know is going to die as soon as you notice that he doesn’t take off his tie, even when he’s in an underwater lab. And then you have Cameron Robertson as the guy who sticks his arm down a shark’s throat and Adrian Collins as the diver who thinks it’s a good idea to taunt sharks that can literally jump out of the water and bite your head off.
Of course, as soon as everyone’s in the lab, the super smart sharks rebel and the majority of the cast ends up getting eaten. There’s no big shock there. Some of the gore effects are well-done. Faces are ripped off with panache and one unfortunate victim falls apart as soon as he’s pulled out of the water. Michael Beach has a lot of fun with the role of the ranting Durant and it was impossible not to smile whenever he would smirk off Misty’s outrage. For the most part, though, Deep Blue Sea 2 moved too slowly and didn’t feature enough shark action. That said, I think this is the first shark film that I’ve ever seen in which the sharks actually growl at people and that’s got to be worth something.
I just found about this movie today and my first thought was “Why hasn’t somebody thought of this before?!?” And then went, “Whoever thought of it, why!?!”
But, yes, this is an actual movie coming out straight to DVD / Blu-ray, and I can’t wait to get to watch it! My love of cheesy, bad, b-rated horror movies and all!
Premise:
A Nun summons Satan to inhabit the body of a Great White shark; which, in turn … well, a priest, an exorcism…who knows, who cares! A Shark Exorcism!
Who is behind it?
This is a WildEye Releasing movie. Who have had a couple of fun movies like “Walking Dead in the West” and “Killersaurus”
Who is in it?
Angela Kerecz: “Dumb and Dumber to” “Hot Tub Time Machine 2”
Bobby Kerecz: “Hot Tub Time Machine 2”
See a pattern?…any way, I digress.
I have not seen the movie yet; but the poster looks great!
And if you want to see the trailer, and you really do…you can here!
Shark Exorcist will be on DVD / Blu-ray June 28th and I may or may not be already standing in line, with a Crucifix around my neck!
In case you missed it, it is currently Shark Week on the SyFy network. (Or, as the Snarkalecs and I like to call it, Snark Week!) Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No will be premiering this Wednesday and, in honor of that historic event, SyFy has devoted this week to broadcasting some of their trademark original movies. Along with showing such classics as Jersey Shore Shark Attack, Shark Week, Two-Headed Shark Attack, and Ghost Shark, SyFy is also premiering 6 new shark films.
Roboshark, the first of these premieres, was aired on Saturday night. Now, obviously, there was no way that I would be able to resist watching a film with a title like Roboshark.
Roboshark, like many great SyFy films, opens with something falling out of the sky and landing in the ocean. A chunk of UFO plunges into the water and is promptly eaten by a normal, every day shark. Soon, that shark is transformed into … ROBOSHARK! With its fins glowing red and a twitter account of his very own, Roboshark attacks Seattle.
That’s right! Roboshark destroys a Starbucks, eats hipsters, and eventually takes out an eccentric billionaire named Bill Glates (Steve Sires) and it’s all a lot of fun to watch. And before everyone decides to leave a snarky comment pointing out my typo, allow me to assure you that the character was indeed named Bill Glates. However, he looked and sounded just like Bill Gates and, seeing as how Windows 8.1 has had 40 updates this month alone, there was something undeniably satisfying about seeing him get eaten by a roboshark.
As often happens in SyFy film, Roboshark isn’t really bad. He’s just misunderstood. He uses his twitter account to communicate with Melody (Vanessa Grasse), the daughter of Trish (Alexis Peterman), the local “wacky weathergirl” who is looking to prove herself as a serious journalist by covering the roboshark attack. Unfortunately, Trish continually finds herself overshadowed by her rival reporter, Veronica (Laura Dale, giving a nicely comedic performance).
Meanwhile, Trish’s husband, Rick (Matt Rippy), has been half-recruited and half-kidnapped by Admiral Black (brilliant Nigel Barber), who is determined to save the world from Roboshark, even if he has to destroy the Seattle Space Needle to do it. (“But the Space Needle is the symbol of Seattle!” Rick protests.) Admiral Black is addicted to energy drinks and seems to be having a lot of fun being the craziest guy in the room. His character was a lot of fun.
Actually, the whole film is a lot of fun. Roboshark is a great example of everything that we love about SyFY films. It was a deliberately over-the-top film full of inside jokes and a really cool monster. And I’m not just saying that because Roboshark retweeted me several times on Saturday night.
(Though he totally did! Love you, Roboshark!)
Roboshark is the type of film that must be watched with a large group of people looking to have a good (and silly) time. It’s the type of film that literally begged to be live tweeted and, needless to say, that’s exactly what a lot of us did. Here are just a few tweets from the epic Roboshark live tweet:
If you missed Roboshark the first time, keep an eye out for it! It’s everything we love about SyFy shark movies!
We love you, Roboshark!
Through the Shattered Lens 