2014 in Review: The Best of Lifetime and SyFy

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hello there and welcome to January!

This is the time of year that the Shattered Lens usually takes one final look back at the best and worst of the previous year’s offerings in cinema, television, literature, and music! Last year, I kicked things off by taking a look at the best that the SyFy network had to offer.

Unfortunately, SyFy didn’t produce as many original films in 2014 as they did in 2013.

However, my beloved Lifetime network remained a consistent showcase for some of the best and worst melodrama that one could hope for.

With that in mind, here are my nominees for the best films and performances that were featured on either the SyFy or the Lifetime network last year! As always, winners are listed in bold.

Best Film

Battle of the Damned

Flowers in the Attic

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

*Lizzie Borden Took An Axe*

Sharknado 2

Starving in Suburbia

Best Actress

Kate Beckinsale in The Trials of Cate McCall

Maria Bello in Big Driver

Annie Heise in The Good Mistress

Tara Reid in Sharknado 2

*Christina Ricci in Lizzie Borden Took An Axe*

Kierna Shipka in Flowers in the Attic

Best Supporting Actress

Kendra Anderson in The Good Mistress

*Ellen Burstyn in Flowers in the Attic*

Clea DuVall in Lizzie Borden Took An Axe

Heather Graham in Petals on the Wind

Tina Ivlev in Death Clique

Izabella Miko in Starving in Suburbia

Best Actor

Trevor Donavon in Bermuda Tentacles

Mason Dye in Flowers in the Attic

Michael Keaton in Blindsided

Dolph Lundgren in Battle of the Damned

Patrick Muldoon in Finders Keepers

*Ian Ziering in Sharknado 2*

Best Supporting Actor

James Cromwell in The Trials of Cate McCall

David Field in Battle of the Damned

*Griff Furst in Status Unknown*

Judd Hirsch in Sharknado 2

Mark McGrath in Sharknado 2

John Savage in Bermuda Tentacles

Best Director

Doug Campbell for Death Clique

Deborah Chow for Flowers in the Attic

Anthony C. Ferrante for Sharknado 2

*Nick Gomez for Lizzie Borden Got An Axe*

Christopher Hutton for Battle of the Damned

Tara Miele for Starving in Suburbia

Best Screenplay

Kayla Alpert for Flowers in the Attic

Tim Hill and Jeff Morris for Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

Stephen Kay for Lizzie Borden Took An Axe

Thunder Levin for Sharknado 2

*Tara Miele for Starving in Suburbia*

Griff Furst and Marcy Holland for Status Unknown

Tomorrow, I’ll continue my look back at 2014 by revealing my picks for the 16 worst films of 2014!

Previous Entries in Our Look Back At 2014:

Things That I Dug In 2014 Off The Top Of My Head

What Horror Lisa and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #106: Finders Keepers (dir by Alexander Yellen)

Posted on October 19, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the latest SyFy original film, Finders Keepers!

Why Was I Watching It?

I had been watching Big Driver over on Lifetime but that film proved to be unusually disturbing and I really wasn’t in the right mood to deal with it. Sometimes, you need to just be entertained and SyFy original movies are always entertaining! So, after watching an hour of Big Driver, I turned over to SyFy and watched Finders Keepers.

What Was It About?

Recently divorced writer Alyson Smith (Jaime Pressly) moves into a nice, old house with her daughter, Claire (Kylie Rogers). At first the house seems ideal but soon, cracks start to appear on this perfect fantasy of home ownership. Claire starts to act strangely. A crazy old cat lady (Marina Sirtis) keeps coming by the house. Alyson does some research and discovers that the reason the house was empty was because, years before, it was the scene of a brutal mass murder. And, of course, Claire finds a creepy doll in her bedroom and becomes extremely attached to it.

Soon, everyone who knows Alyson and her ex-husband (Patrick Muldoon) is turning up dead. Could it be that the doll is evil or could it all be a coincidence?

Actually, there’s really no question. That is one messed up doll…

What Worked?

SyFy hasn’t been showing as many original movies this year as they did last year. Fortunately, the ones that they have shown have all been excellent and Finders Keepers keeps the streak going. Finders Keepers is an effectively creepy horror film, featuring excellent performances from Jaime Pressly and Patrick Muldoon, atmospheric direction from Alexander Yellen, and a clever script from Peter Sullivan.

Incidentally, Finders Keepers probably featured one of the bigger body counts that I’ve ever seen in a SyFy film. Nobody’s safe from that doll!

What Did Not Work?

Over the course of the film, two cats and a crazy old cat lady are killed. As most of you know, I am about 40 years away from becoming a crazy old cat lady so that was a little bit difficult for me to deal with.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

So, beyond the crazy old cat lady and her two cats, this film also featured a vivacious, 20-something redhead who ended up being murdered by the evil doll. And then, once the redhead and the cat lady had been dispatched, we were introduced to an incredibly efficient office administrator and guess what happened to her? That’s right — murdered by the crazy doll. Speaking as a vivacious and efficient redheaded office administrator and future crazy cat lady, I really have to wonder just what exactly this film had against me!

Lessons Learned

Do not let your daughter keep any creepy old voodoo dolls that she just happens to find in her bedroom. If she won’t get rid of the voodoo doll, consider giving her up for adoption because, seriously — voodoo is nothing to mess with.

What Lisa and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #105: Zodiac: Signs of the Apocalypse (dir by W.D. Hogan)

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, if you're an Aries, this partially all on you. #Zodiac

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) August 17, 2014

Last night, my friends, the Snarkalecs, and I watched the latest SyFy original film, Zodiac: Signs of the Apocalypse! So, was Zodiac as good as Sharknado 2, as underrated as End of the World, as overrated as Invasion Roswell, or as bad as Heebie Jeebies? Or was it just somewhere in between? Let’s find out!

Why Was I Watching It?

The fact that I still have ppl following me after one of these live tweets never ceases to amaze me. Y'all are the best! #Zodiac

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) August 17, 2014

Why were we watching it? Because I’m a snarkalec and that’s what we do! We watch original films on SyFy, we tweet along, and we do our best to try to get things to trend. My hope was that Zodiac would eventually become a trending topic on California and end up freaking out a lot of people who would naturally assume that the legendary Zodiac Killer had finally been caught. Unfortunately, last night, we were competing with football and this is America. Nothing beats football.

What Was It About?

Okay, that concludes the #Zodiac live tweet! If you're wondering what the Hell that was … well, join ze club. : )

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) August 17, 2014

Good question. It was a SyFy movie so naturally, the world was on the verge of ending. And somehow, the upcoming apocalypse involved the signs of the zodiac and an ancient stone that was found in a deserted mine. There was a bad business guy named Woodward (Aaron Douglas) or maybe he was a government guy. But, for some reason, he wanted to get the stone so he could do evil things with it. Luckily, there were three scientists (Joel Gretsch, Andrea Brooks, and Emily Holmes) and one scientist’s son (Reilly Dolman) who were attempting to save the world. And Christopher Lloyd was in it, playing yet another scientist who had apparently invented holograms or something like that. There was also a guy named Marty (Ben Cotton) who was a survivalist and lived in a really spacious bunker.

And let’s see, what else happened? Fire rained from the sky. Raging floods soaked the Earth. Woodward flew around in a helicopter. The scientists spent a lot of time driving around in an SUV. A lot of stuff happened. How it was all related was not always easy to follow but, then again, we all know that if you’re tying to make logical sense out of a SyFy film, you’re doing it wrong.

What Worked?

Is this an homage to the Christopher Walken/Dennis Hopper scene in True Romance? #Zodiac

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) August 17, 2014

You know what? I always think that when people criticize SyFy films, they’re missing the point. SyFy films are supposed to be silly, the special effects are supposed to be cheap, and the performances are supposed to be melodramatic. Occasionally — like with Sharknado 2 for instance — these elements come together perfectly. And then other times, like with Zodiac, the end results are fun for two hours and quickly forgotten about afterward. Zodiac was no Sharknado 2 but it gave us everything that we typically want from our SyFy films, it was a fun movie to tweet along with, and it gave the viewers a few laughs.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Zodiac was a Canadian film and Canada certainly looked pretty.

Is this happening all over the world or just in that one section of Canada? #Zodiac

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) August 17, 2014

What Did Not Work?

They better not be looking for an excuse to leave Scorpio out of this. #Zodiac

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) August 17, 2014

For a film that was sold as being about the signs of the apocalypse destroying the world, the greatest sign of all — Scorpio — was sadly underused. I kept expecting a scorpion-shaped cloud to form in the sky but it never happened! Speaking as a Scorpio, I was very let down.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

"I'm the replacement scientist." #Zodiac

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) August 17, 2014

My favorite character was Sophie (Andrea Brooks), the kickass scientist who survived being buried alive in a mine, not to mention Aquarius, Capricorn, and Sagittarius! And she did it all while rocking the traditional SyFy scientist outfit of tank top and tight jeans. She also had great hair! If I wasn’t already planning on being the Black Widow, I’d be Sophie for Halloween. She was the best!

Lessons Learned

Well, Aries got bored and decided to go blow up some other planet. #Zodiac

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) August 17, 2014

Don’t mess with the Zodiac.

10 Reasons Why Sharknado 2 Was Sharktastic!

Posted on July 31, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Unless you’ve been living in total and complete isolation, you know that Sharknado 2 premiered on SyFy last night. And of course, I watched and live tweeted it. Now, when it comes Sharknado 2, it seems like everyone has one question: Was it better than Sharknado?

The answer?

Yes. Yes, it was.

Here are 10 reasons why Sharknado 2 was sharktastic!

1) Action! Action! Action!

Sharknado 2 didn’t waste any time getting to the point. From the minute the film started with Ian Ziering and Tara Reid sitting in an airplane that’s hit some sharknado-related turbulence, Sharknado 2 was all about sharks falling from the sky. The film didn’t waste any time revisiting the events of the previous film or trying to explain, for a second time, how a bunch of sharks ended up in a tornado. And you know what? If you were worry about the logic of the situation then you really weren’t the right audience for this film. Sharknado 2 was a movie for those of us seeking nonstop shark mayhem and it delivered!

2) Plenty of New York Attitude

When the first sharknado hit Los Angeles, we were presented with a portrait of a town that deserved to be destroyed. I mean — really, Los Angeles? A little bad weather and a few sharks and your entire population is screaming and fleeing? New York, however, knows how to handle a sharknado. It didn’t matter how many sharks fell from the sky — the citizens of New York refused to allow it to stop them from enjoying baseball games, visiting the Statue of Liberty, and seeking out a good slice of pizza. New York, you’re the tops!

3) Tara Reid Showed Us How To Handle Losing A Hand

I don’t know about you but if a shark fell out of the sky and bit off my hand, I would probably freak out. Having watched Sharknado 2, I can say that I am definitely not as strong as Tara Reid. Though she may have lost her hand early on in this movie, she never let it slow her down. Not only did she defiantly walk out of the hospital but she also managed to drive a fire truck with only one hand! I’ve got two hands and I don’t think I could do that. Finally, as a perfect example of how to make lemonade out of lemons, she even replaced her missing hand with a radial saw that, as it turns out, was perfect for fighting sharks. You go, girl!

4) Ian Ziering Gave It All He Could

In the first Sharknado, Ian seemed almost annoyed to be there. You got the feeling that he felt that somehow, by appearing in a movie about flying sharks, he was somehow damaging his career. In Sharknado 2, however, Ian brought a lot of conviction to his role. Though it may be hard to understand if you haven’t seen the actual film, I’ll just say that you looked at and listened to Ian and you believed that this man had indeed been inside of a shark.

5) The Statue Of Liberty Lost Her Head

And you better believe that head went rolling down the streets of New York. I am a little bit disappointed that Ian never found a moment to stare up at headless Lady Liberty and shout, “You blew it up! Damn you to Hell!” but oh well.

6) Cameos Galore!

Seeing as how the first Sharknado became a bit of a pop cultural phenomena, we should probably not be surprised that a lot of celebrities agreed to do cameos in the sequel. What should surprise, however, is just how well the cameos were integrated into the film. Whether it was Kelly Osbourne getting eaten by a shark or Matt Lauer and Al Roker arguing over the proper name for the storm (eventually, Matt did call it a sharknado and you can see just how happy Al was; it was a touching moment), all of the cameos worked brilliantly and, even more importantly, they didn’t distract from all of the shark mayhem.

7) The Live Tweeters Were On Fire Last Night!

Especially me! Seriously, Sharknado 2 brought out the best in me.

8) Ian Wasn’t The Only Actor Giving It His All

To be honest, the entire cast brought their A game to Sharknado 2. Everyone from Vivica A. Fox to Mark McGrath to Kari Wuhrer to Tara Reid to Judd Hirsch to well, everyone seemed to understand that for this material to work, they had to be willing to say some of the most ludicrous lines imaginable with a straight face. If a single member of the cast had tried to wink at the audience or play up the film’s inherent campiness, the entire film would have fallen apart. Instead, everyone brought a lot of conviction to their roles. Instead of mocking the film and their dialogue, you could tell that they were instead having fun with it and, as a result, the audience had a lot of fun as well.

9) Kelly Ripa Stamped On The Head Of A Hammerhead Shark

Proof positive that high heels can be a girl’s best friend.

10) Everyone Watched it!

And you know what that means: SHARKNADO 3!

Somebody alert Mia Farrow … here comes Sharknado 2

Posted on June 6, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As our regular readers know, I love SyFy original movies.

Whenever people discover that fact about me, they always assume that I must have loved Sharknado. Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. Sharknado was film that tried to force snark as opposed to generating it naturally. One need only watch a good SyFy film — like End of the World — to see just how overrated Sharknado truly was.

But that’s the thing. Most of the people who rave about Sharknado have never actually seen any other SyFy films. To me, everything that I disliked about Sharknado was captured in the image of Mia Farrow and Phillip Roth live-tweeting along with the film. Everyone knows that Mia Farrow and Philip Roth had never watched SyFy before Sharknado and they’ve probably never watched it after. And, though they might not want to admit it, everyone knows that Mia’s Sharknado-tweets were pedestrian and predictable. But, because she’s kind of famous and Ronan Farrow is a thing, we were supposed to be impressed.

Meanwhile, those of us who actually put SyFy original movies on the twitter map, were expected to be thrilled that a celeb had decided to come hang out with the common folks.

If you’ve seen Sharknado but you haven’t seen End of the World or Battledogs, then you don’t know what you’re missing.

(Or what you missed since SyFy appears to be getting out of the original movie business…)

Well, somebody call Mia Farrow because Sharknado 2 is going to be premiering on July 30th. Judging from the trailer below, it appears that the entire cast will return for “the second one.” And make no doubt, I will be live-tweeting this film because somebody has to show these false SyFy fans how it’s done.

What Lisa and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #102: Bermuda Tentacles (dir by Nick Lyon)

Posted on April 13, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I turned over to SyFy so we could watch and live tweet the latest offering from the Asylum, Bermuda Tentacles!

Why Were We Watching It?

Because it was the first SyFy original film of 2014, that’s why! Seriously, yesterday should have been a freaking national holiday. (Sad to say but rumor has it that the SyFy network may be looking to phase out original films — like Bermuda Tentacles — in order to devote more time to episodic television. I sincerely hope that the network will reconsider that plan.)

What Was It About?

The President (John Savage) has gone missing in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s up to rebellious Chief Petty Officer Trip Oliver (Trevor Donavon) to save him! But while Trip and his crew float around under the sea in a submarine, gigantic CGI tentacles attack Admiral Linda Hamilton and the entire U.S. Navy. Could the two events be related?

What Worked?

What do I always say about Asylum films? It all worked. Asylum films are the epitome of low-budget fun and that was certainly the case here. To be honest, those who criticize a film like Bermuda Tentacles are missing the point.

Asylum films are designed to be watched by large groups of snarky individuals. That’s why I always look forward to watching them with the Snarkalecs. And I have to say that we, as a group, were on fire last night! We were all in full snark mood and it was a wonderful thing to behold. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to get #BermudaTentacles trending, largely because there were thousands of tweens tweeting about fucking Ashton Irwin at the same time we were tweeting about the movie. But still, it was a good effort and everyone should be proud.

One thing that the Snarkalecs seemed to especially appreciate about Bermuda Tentacles was just how long, by Oval Office standards, the President’s hair was.

All across America, people are saying, "Where is our long-haired, hipster President?" #BermudaTentacles

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) April 13, 2014

https://twitter.com/trinityskywlker/status/455164564212944896

"@dawnsnarks: Was POTUS a sub driver before his gig as a roadie? #BermudaTentacles" he WAS blue collar… you can tell by his hair!

— Bronwyn Kelly-Slays (@shinybabyb) April 13, 2014

@LisaMarieBowman it's probably for the best. just imagine how bad his hair looks now #BermudaTentacles

— Johnny (@johnny_williams) April 13, 2014

The President used to play bass in the Steve Miller Band. #BermudaTentacles

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) April 13, 2014

Thank you, John Savage, for not getting a haircut!

What Did Not Work?

I have to admit that, unlike TSL editor-in-chief Arleigh Sandoc, I’m hardly an expert as far as military history or ranks are concerned. However, it was obvious, even to me, that the Navy in Bermuda Tentacles didn’t appear to follow any sort of real-world protocol. Quite a few people on twitter doubted that an admiral would be on a destroyer and some had issues with a scene where the President referred to Oliver as being a “soldier” as opposed to being a “sailor.” This really wasn’t a big deal to me because, quite frankly, I hardly expect Asylum films to be documentaries. However, judging from some of the comments on twitter, it was a big deal to quite a few people who had actually served in the Navy.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I had a harder time than usual relating to the characters in Bermuda Tentacles, largely because they were all career military whereas I majored in art history. I was happy to see that the Admiral was a woman and that none of the men in her command had any problems with taking orders from her. I would hope that, if I was an admiral, I would be just as effective.

Lessons Learned

There’s nothing quite as uniquely fun as watching a SyFy film with the Snarkalecs. I’m already excited for the SyFy premiere of Big Ass Spider next Saturday.

20 Good Things That I Saw On Television in 2013

Posted on January 4, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Someday, I want to have my own tv network. I’ll call it Lisa Marie Television (or LMTV for short) and it’ll be like Lifetime but with the Lisa Marie difference. What’s the Lisa Marie difference? Sweetheart, if you have to ask, you’ll never know.

Anyway, as I wait for that day to come, I’m going to continue my series of posts on my favorites of 2013 by telling you about some of the best things that I saw on television over the course of the previous year. Here they are, in random order:

1) The series finale of Breaking Bad

Perfection.

2) The series finale of The Office

After a rough couple of seasons, The Office redeemed itself with a perfect conclusion. How can you do any better than Jim and Pam moving to Texas?

3) Children’s Hospital on Adult Swim

Without a doubt, the funniest 15 minutes on television.

4) Burning Love on E!

E! broadcast episodes of the hilarious, Bachelor-parodying web series in 2013 and gave everyone a chance to follow Julie as she pined for Blaze and asked lucky bachelors, “Will you hold my box?”

5) SyFy Saturdays

This year, my Saturday night ritual was to gather online with the Snarkalecs and watch an original movie on SyFy. And while all of the Normals (as we refer to the rest of the world) were going crazy over Sharknado, the Snarkalecs knew that End of the World was a hundred times better.

6) The only likable team won The Amazing Race 23

I can’t remember their names but I can remember that I liked them more than Tim & Marie, Nicole & Travis, and Leo & Jamal.

7) Bonnie and Clyde

Broadcast on three different networks and over two separate nights, Bonnie and Clyde was big, silly, over-the-top, glamorous, and full of style. It made me want to go out and rob a bank while looking good doing it.

8) Orange is the New Black

We lost a lot of good shows in 2013 but, fortunately, we also gained a few new ones.

9) South Park satirizes Obama and Game of Thrones

I like one of those targets and dislike the other (guess which is which) but the important thing is that both of them have reached a point where they deserve to be satirized. Not surprisingly, South Park continues to be one of the few show to have the guts to ridicule the topics that other shows are too cowardly to touch.

10) Bates Motel

Bates Motel was frequently uneven but it was always worth watching for Vera Farmiga and Max Thieriot.

11) The Space Kitten

That little space kitten that was singing Wrecking Ball at the American Music Awards? Adorable!

12) Jimmy Kimmel

Whether he was causing Kanye West to have a meltdown or posting fake videos on YouTube, 2013 was the year of Kimmel.

13) The Talking Dead

Look, we all know that The Walking Dead is great but, for me, The Talking Dead is usually the highlight of AMC on Sunday night. Chris Hardwick is adorable to begin with but the moment he choked up while discussing the death of Herschel confirmed that he’s not just a host. He’s a true fan as well.

14) Miley Cyrus at the VMAs

It was tacky, it was shocking, it was disturbing, it got people talking and overreacting, and it was everything that television should be. (That said, I would like to point out that — despite what some members of the media seem to believe — twerking existed long before Miley Cyrus decided to make it a part of her act. I was twerking back when Miley was still Hannah Montana.)

15) That episode of Girls with Patrick Wilson

One of the best 25 minutes of television ever, and not just because Patrick Wilson is super hot.

16) The Herstory of Dance and Intro to Felt Surrogacy episodes of Community

Without the guiding vision of Dan Harmon, Community‘s fourth season was undeniably rough. However, these two episodes reminded us that Community still had something to offer. (That said, I’m glad Dan Harmon’s back for season 5…)

17) Colton walks off Survivor …. again

Colton Cumbie is one of the most loathsome people to ever show up on a reality TV show so it was satisfying to see him utterly fail to win Survivor not once but twice.

18) The Big Brother Blog got a new writer named Lisa Marie

This year, Bill Lage asked me to write episode recaps for the Big Brother Blog. Of course, I said yes and, for three months, I had a lot of fun keeping people updated with what all of the loathsome people in the Big Brother house were up to. I made a lot of new friends and I even made a persistent enemy named Maggie Long, a poor little internet troll who just couldn’t handle the fact that I encouraged my readers to “Stay supple!” It was a lot of fun and I look forward to doing it all over again in 2014.

19) Winter Storm Cleon caused the local news people to freak out!

Yes, we did get some snow and ice down here in December. Unlike you folks up North, those of us in Texas only see snow and ice every other year so, whenever it does show up, you can be sure that all of the local newspeople are going to panic. That’s exactly what happened this year and it was fun to watch.

20) Degrassi!

My favorite Canadian show came back!

Tomorrow, we take a look at ten of my favorite books of 2013.

Other Entries In TSL’s Look Back At 2013:

2013 In Review: The Best of SyFy

Posted on January 1, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s been quite a year for the SyFy network, even if the network’s most widely-seen original film, Sharknado, was actually one of their weaker offerings. As a proud member of the Snarkalecs and a Snarkies voter, I’ve certainly enjoyed watching, reviewing, and live tweeting all of the films that SyFy and the Asylum have had to offer us this year.

Below, you’ll find my personal nominees for the best SyFy films and performances of 2013. (Winners are listed in bold.)