Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.20 “Birthday Party/Ghostbreaker”

Posted on May 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Roarke reunites a family and arranges for a man to battle a “ghost.”

Episode 2.20 “Birthday Party/Ghostbreaker”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on March 3rd, 1979)

This week, Tattoo has both a joy buzzer and a pink carnation that squirts water. He explains to Mr. Roarke that he read somewhere the women love a man with a sense of humor. “I want to be the king of humor on Fantasy Island,” he explains.

“Lucky us,” Mr. Roarke replies while dramatically rolling his eyes and reminding viewers of just how much he despises his scene-stealing assistant.

As for the two fantasies, this is another episode where the fantasies don’t really seem like they should be happening on the same island. One is rather serious. The other is a bit cartoonish.

The first guest to get off the plane is Elliott Fielding (Ken Berry), a librarian who believes in ghosts and who is pretty sure that he knows how to exorcise a ghost from a haunted location. He’s so confident that he’s even written a book about it. However, because Elliott has never actually seen a ghost, no one is willing to publish his book. Elliott’s fantasy is to exorcise a real ghost and prove that his theories are true. Mr. Roarke obliges by taking him to a mansion that Roarke explains was once occupied by a murderer known as the Gentleman Strangler. Now, however, it’s a private all-girls boarding school! (This is one of those episodes that leaves the viewer wondering just what exactly Fantasy Island is exactly. When the show started, it was just a resort. Now, it appears to have become a thriving nation, home to not only industry but also an exclusive boarding school.)

The school’s students have been reporting sightings of the ghost of the Gentleman Strangler. Elliott sets out to exorcise the ghost and along the way, he falls in love with the school’s headmistress (Annette Funicello). He also finds an enemy in the form of the school’s fencing instructor (Larry Storch). Oddly there aren’t any other teachers at the school so I guess the students just spend all of their learning how to fence.

This was an odd fantasy because, on the one hand, you had this ghost potentially threatening to strangle a bunch of teenage girls and, on the other hand, you had the very broad comedy of Ken Berry and Larry Storch facing off. Of course, it turns out that there really wasn’t a ghost haunting the school so, at first, it appears that Elliott’s fantasy didn’t come true. However, after Elliott leaves, Roarke explains to Tattoo that Elliott actually did meet a ghost when he had a conversation with a helpful handyman. That probably would have been a good thing to let Elliott know before he left but …. well, Mr. Roarke does what he wants. If there’s any lesson to be learned from watching Fantasy Island, it’s that Mr. Roarke makes the rules and it is best to never question his arbitrary decisions.

Meanwhile, Carol Gates (Janet Leigh) comes to the island to be reunited with the twins (Skye Aubrey and Christopher Stone) that she gave up for her adoption. I was expecting the twins to reject her or to be angry. Instead, with her support, her son gets signed to a football team and her daughter decides not give her own children up for adoption. Yay! It was a bit of an easy fantasy, with little of the drama that I was expecting. But Janet Leigh was a talented actress and she’s good here, bringing a lot of genuine emotion the story.

The fantasies were a bit mismatched but I like ghost stories (even when they’re a bit silly) and Janet Leigh is one of my favorite actresses so this trip to Fantasy Island was worth it.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.19 “Spending Spree/The Hunted”

Posted on April 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we’ve got a weird one!

Episode 2.19 “Spending Spree/The Hunted”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on February 24th, 1979)

What a weird episode! This week, we have two fantasies, neither one of which belongs with the other.

The first fantasy is this silly thing where two best friends win a shopping spree. In order to win a bigger prize, Sally Glover (Diana Canova) and Esther Bolling (Lola Falana) have to spend several thousand dollars in Fantasy Island’s shopping district.

(It’s always strange to me how some episodes present Fantasy Island as being a resort while others present it as being a thriving little nation with its own economy, culture, cities, and villages. If you’re a citizen of Fantasy Island who doesn’t work for Mr. Roarke, do you still call the place Fantasy Island or does it have a real name? Do you tell people, “I was born on Fantasy Island but then I came to mainland when I was 11 to study the culinary arts?” My hope is that the natives of Fantasy Island are called Fantasians.)

Sally and Esther are excited to spend their money but then Mr. Roarke adds a twist. They will be competing against each other. The first one to spend all of her money gets a prize. The other one gets nothing. If they both fail to spend all of their money, they both lose. So, of course, Sally and Esther go crazy competing against each other. In the end, though, they both realize that they would rather be friends than for one of them to be a loser.

That’s a nice message but I’m really not sure what their fantasy was to begin with. It seems like Mr. Roarke invited two lifelong friends to the Island and then decided to play games with them for his own amusement. In this episode, we get a return of the vaguely sinister Mr. Roarke who appeared in some of the early first season episodes.

Speaking of sinister, the other fantasy involves Stuart Whitman in the role of Charles Wesley, the world’s most famous big game hunter. (I assume he inherited the title after Darren McGavin died last season.) Whitman’s fantasy is to take part in a great adventure. So, Mr. Roarke hands Wesley a camera and tells him to “shoot a picture” of dictator General Lin Shun (James Shigeta). General Lin Shun rules the national of Chung Tu with an iron fist but he apparently spends all of his time at his compound of Fantasy Island.

Wesley gets the picture but also gets captured by Lin Shun’s men. Lin Shun explains that he will now hunt Wesley through the jungles of Fantasy Island. It’s like a game. In fact, you might call it The World’s Most Dangerous Game! Wesley learns what it’s like to be hunted. Fortunately, at the last minute, Col. Chen (Khigh Dhiegh), the general’s aide, turns against Lin Shun and arrests him. Interestingly enough, it appears that Mr. Roarke is the one who told the colonel to arrest Lin Shun and take over the nation of Chung Tu. Charles Wesley tosses away his rifle and swears that he’ll never hunt again but I’m more interested in the fact that Mr. Roarke has apparently taken over another country.

Like I said, this was a weird episode. The shopping spree stuff didn’t really seem to fit in with Stuart Whitman desperately running through the jungle. This episode also found Mr. Roarke in an uncommonly manipulative and foul mood. This episode left me wondering just what exactly is going on behind the scenes of the resort.

Maybe we’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

Posted on April 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have a special, super-sized episode of Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

(Dir by George McCowan and Michael Vejar, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

This week, we get three fantasies, instead of the usual two!

Sister Mary Theresa (Lisa Hartman) is a nun who has been struggling with her faith even since the death of her mentor. Her fantasy is a chance to meet the only mortal man that her mentor ever loved. Colin McArthur (John Saxon) is tall, dark, handsome, and he loves animals! Not only does he seem like the perfect guy but he’s also played by John Saxon. Today, Saxon is best-known for appearing in horror movies and for playing B-movie villains and it’s easy to forget that he could also be quite a charming actor when given the chance. That said, as charming as he is, Colin just can’t compete with God and Sister Mary Theresa once again dons her habit before leaving the Island.

Meanwhile, Felix Birdsong (Don Knotts) has spent his life fantasizing about being a big time Hollywood casting agent and he gets his chance when he comes to the Island and is put in charge of selecting the woman who will star in a film called The Most Beautiful Girl In The World. Felix soon discovers that Hollywood isn’t as glamorous as he thought. (Uh, yeah, no doubt.) The film’s producer (Abe Vigoda) is a sleaze. The film is being funded by a combination of gangsters and oil sheikhs (one of whom is played by Cesar Romero) and all of them expect Felix to select their girlfriends for the role. Felix ends up very disillusioned, though you have to wonder what type of sheltered existence he experienced before coming to the island. I mean, he’s shocked to discover that Hollywood can be a heartless place and that rich men have mistresses! In the end, Felix announces that all 20 of the women will be cast as The Most Beautiful Girl In The World and that every single one of them will get the prize money. Yay! Of course, now the production is probably out of money so it’s not as if the film will ever actually be made. Actually, if I was a contestant in a beauty pageant and the judge just declared a 20-girl tie instead of giving me the prize, I would probably think he was the biggest jerk in the world. Boooo! Felix, you jerk!

Finally, Jane Garwood (Florence Henderson, continuing the tradition of Brady Bunch cast members showing up on the island) is a television news reporter who recently gained a lot of attention for a report she filed on Satanic cults. As a result of the report, a Satanic priest put a curse on Jane. Jane laughed it off until all of the men in her life started dying. Jane’s fantasy is to learn whether the curse is real. Mr. Roarke’s solution is to become the new man in Jane’s life. When he doesn’t die, Jane will see that the curse is not real….

Except, the curse is real! The cult has followed Jane to the Island and now they’re not only trying to kill her but Mr. Roarke as well! I have to admit that I’ve always assumed that Mr. Roarke was meant to be a supernatural being and I also assumed that he was immortal. Apparently, that’s not completely true. Still, despite the cult leader kidnapping Jane and dancing around with a cobra, Roarke is able to reveal that the cult leader is not only not a supernatural being but that he’s also Jane’s ex-boyfriend!

This episode was a fun mix of cartoonish comedy, sincere romance, and ludicrous melodrama. It was entertainingly silly in the way that only Fantasy Island could be at its best. I mean, with the exception of The Brady Bunch Hour, how many other shows would have the guts to give us Florence Henderson being menaced by a Satanic cult? For that, you have to go to Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.17 “The Stripper/The Boxer”

Posted on April 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles! This week, we’ve got stripping and boxing!

Episode 2.17 “The Stripper/The Boxer”

(Dir by Lawrence Dobkin, originally aired on February 10th, 1979)

This week, Tattoo is wearing a monocle because his cousin Igor has discovered that they are descended from royalty. Roarke is not impressed. Indeed, he seems to be genuinely angered by Tattoo’s suggestion that he’s somehow better than him.

As for the fantasies, first off the plane is Maureen Banning (Laraine Stephens). Maureen is a runaway heiress. Her father doesn’t want her to marry a poet named Barnaby (William Beckley) so she has snuck off to Fantasy Island so that she can get married over the weekend. Unfortunately, her father’s private detectives have followed her to the island. In a panic, Maureen hops onto the first bus that she sees. It turns out the bus is the tour bus for a burlesque show and the show’s manager, Russ McCoy (Michael Callan), has a fantasy that concerns bringing the show to Broadway. Maureen is mistaken for a famous burlesque dancer. Fortunately, Sheba Palumbo (Mamie Van Doren) and Betty (Beverly Powers) are avid tabloid readers and they immediately recognize Maureen as the runaway heiress. They agree to teach her how to dance so that she can stay on the island and marry Barnaby. Except, of course, Maureen is now starting to feel more attracted to Russ….

This fantasy was okay. I enjoyed the dancing and I also enjoyed thinking about how much Gary Loggins would have enjoyed watching his favorite actress, Mamie Van Doren, teach Maureen all the moves. I think the main problem with this fantasy is that, even after she ran way, Maureen never seemed to be in control of her own fate. The appeal of dancing on stage, whether you’re an old school burlesque performer or a modern-day stripper, is that it gives you all the power but, for Maureen, it just seemed like something to do until she finally got around to getting married.

The other fantasy involves Billy Blake (Ben Murphy), a boxer who only has three years to live. He wants a chance to fight the other leading leading championship contender. Even though the fight will be unofficial, Billy just wants a chance to show that, if not for his fatal disease, he could have been a champ. Of course, if he takes too many hits to the head, Billy could die in the ring. Billy is okay with that until he discovers that his former high school girlfriend, Jennie Collins (Maureen McCormick), is working on the Island. Billy’s trainer (Forrest Tucker) tells Jennie to stay away from Billy and Jennie is ashamed of all of the “things” she did when she ran off to Hollywood to try to become a star. (Like starring on The Brady Bunch Hour, perhaps….) But, in the end, Billy realizes that his real fantasy is to spend his last remaining years with Jennie. Personally, I found myself wondering why Billy didn’t consider a fantasy where he was cured of his terminal but unnamed disease. Then he could both be champion and spend the rest of his life with Jennie.

There weren’t many surprises with this fantasy but Ben Murphy and Maureen McCormick were an undeniably cute couple. I hope they had many good times before Billy’s agonizing and tragic death.

Next week …. John Saxon comes to Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.16 “Photographs/Royal Flush”

Posted on April 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles! Especially you, Tattoo!

Episode 2.16 “Photographs/Royal Flush”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on January 27th, 1979)

After announcing the arrival of the plane, Tattoo informs Mr. Roarke that he is reading a book on hypnotism.

“Ah, it’s hypnotism now,” Roarke replies, “To what end?”

Tattoo looks at a passing native girl as the cameraman gives the viewers a close-up of her sarong-covered behind.

Okay, 1979. We see ya.

The less interesting of this week’s two fantasies involves the Fantasy Island poker tournament. (Fantasy Island reminds a bit of Hell’s Kitchen, in that there’s always some weird theme night.) Johnny Court (John Rubinstein) is an up-and-coming player whose fantasy is to play against the greatest poker player of all time, Victor Holly (John McIntire). Johnny has borrowed a good deal of money from a group of gangsters in order to enter the tournament so, if Johnny doesn’t win, guess who is getting his fingers broken?

Complicating matters is that Victor travels with his daughter, Emily (Ronne Troup). It doesn’t take long for Johnny to realize that Emily is helping Victor cheat but Johnny has also fallen in love with Emily. To save his own life, he has to defeat Emily’s father but, if he does so, that’ll mean Victor will no longer have the money necessary to support his daughter.

This fantasy wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t particularly interesting either. Rubinstein, McIntire, and Troup all gave good performances but the poker scenes were a bit draggy. Perhaps it would have been more interesting to me if I was a poker player myself. But I prefer craps, just because you get to jump up and down before rolling the dice.

The second fantasy was a bit more intruding. Nancy Weston (Michele Lee) is photographer who has just returned from a trip to Europe and Asia, where she took many pictures. When she got the pictures developed, she discovered that a mysterious girl appeared in almost all of the pictures, even though it would have been impossible for the girl to have followed her all the way from Stonehenge to Thailand without Nancy noticing. Nancy’s fantasy is to know who the girl is and why she’s following her.

The girl shows up on Fantasy Island. Her name is Allison (Elizabeth Cheshire) and, as Roarke explains, Allison is not only the daughter of a powerful psychic but she also has the power to speak to the dead as well. And it turns out that one of the dead has a message for Nancy….

This fantasy was really well-done and nicely creepy. At heart, it was a pretty basic ghost story but Michele Lee and Elizabeth Cheshire both gave good performances and some of the imagery — particularly of a white horse running in slow motion through a green field — was surprisingly effective.

All in all, one mild but well-acted fantasy and one memorably creepy fantasy came together and added up to one good episode of Fantasy Island! These are the type of episodes that we fantasize about.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.15 “Cowboy/Substitute Wife”

Posted on March 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week is all about deception.

Episode 2.15 “Cowboy/Substitute Wife”

(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on January 20th, 1979)

Brian Kehoe (Hugh O’Brian) is from Texarkana. In his youth, he was a rodeo rider but now he’s a broken-down old man who works as a rodeo clown. He’s one of the best in the business and every rodeo rider on Fantasy Island swears that Brian has saved their lives multiple times. (There’s a surprisingly large amount of rodeo people on Fantasy Island.) However, Brian is deeply ashamed of just being a clown. In fact, he’s spent his life telling his 11 year-old son, Tommy (Johnny Timko), that he’s the greatest rodeo champion of all time.

Brian’s fantasy is to be just that. He’s spending the weekend with his son on Fantasy Island and he wants everyone to treat him like he’s a world famous rodeo star. However, when he realizes that Tommy wants to see him in action, Brian realizes that he’s going to do have to ride a bull himself. Unfortunately, Brian just can’t do it. He’s old and out-of-practice. So, he and his friends try to play a little trickery on Johnny. Brian explains that he always wears a bandana over the lower half of his face whenever he rides. When Tommy is cheering for his father, little does he realize he’s actually cheering for one of his father’s friends. But when one the real riders is put in danger, Brian has no choice but to reveal the truth. Of course, that was Mr. Roarke’s plan all along.

This was an okay fantasy. I appreciated the fact that everyone pronounced rodeo correctly. There weren’t any Yankees wandering around talking about the “roe-day-o.” Hugh O’Brian did a good job of portraying the sadness beneath Brian’s confident façade. And, when Tommy first learns that his father has been lying to him, he has a very honest reaction. He is pissed off! It takes Tommy a while to forgive his father. This was a well-acted little fantasy, even if you never had any real doubt that things would eventually work out.

As for the other fantasy …. bleh. Jayne Meadows Allen plays Nadine Winslow, a woman who suffers from hypochondria. Her fantasy is to learn what’s wrong with her. She’s examined by a Dr. Van Helsing (Hans Conried), who informs her that she only has a few weeks to live. After Nadine leaves the exam room, we learn that Dr. Van Helsing is actually a waiter and it’s always been his fantasy to tell someone that they only have a few weeks to live. Between this guy and that Nazi POW camp a few weeks ago, I’m starting to doubt Roarke’s instincts.

Nadine’s new fantasy is to find a new wife for her husband, Harvey (Peter Lawford, who appears to be slightly hung over in most of his scenes). She settles on Monica (Sherry Jackson), whom Harvey meets during a bizarre Fantasy Island dating game that is hosted by a leering Mr. Roarke. Monica and Harvey seem like a good couple but then Nadine spots her doctor working as a waiter and she realizes that she’s not dying. So, she and Harvey get back together and, for some reason, they thank Mr. Roarke as opposed to suing him for emotional distress. That whole fantasy was just dumb.

So, this was a pretty uneven episode. I liked the rodeo stuff. I disliked the death stuff. That’s the way it usually goes.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.14 “Séance/The Treasure”

Posted on March 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Eve Plumb and Leslie Nielsen visit Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.14 “Séance/The Treasure”

(Dir by Larry Stewart, originally aired on January 13th, 1979)

Tattoo is a horse thief! He claims that he just found the horse while wandering around the island but later, he comes across a wanted poster that has his picture on it and the declaration that Tattoo is wanted dead or alive. Mr. Roarke gets a good laugh out of that and even repeats the words, “Dead or alive,” as if he’s realizing that he’s finally found a way to get rid of his assistant. Fortunately, Mr. Roarke has a change of heart and, at the end of the episode, buys the horse for Tattoo. Awwwww!

As for this week’s guests, Joe Capos (George Maharis) is a fisherman who has always wondered what it would be like to be a millionaire. Joe and his wife, Eva (Shelley Fabares), come to the island and find themselves set up in a house that looks exactly like the one where Joe grew up. One day, Joe goes out fishing and what should he find in his net but a gold statue of Triton blowing his horn! It’s a valuable artifact, one that could make Joe a millionaire if it is found to be authentic. Soon, Joe is surrounded by a bunch of people who are hoping to be on his good side when he becomes rich. He’s the most popular man on the island! Unfortunately, Joe is having so much fun being rich and popular that his neglected wife leaves him. Joe knows that the only way to get Eva back is to return the statue to the ocean but will he have the courage to give up wealth and fame for love?

Meanwhile, Eve Plumb plays — wait a minute, Eve Plumb? Just last week, Robert Reed was on the show, playing a method actor who thought he was a vampire. Now, the original Jan Brady has come to the island. I wonder if the entire Brady Bunch will eventually make it to Fantasy Island?

Plumb is playing Clare Conti, a young woman who suspects that her twin brother was murdered. In order to prove it, her fantasy is to have a séance and contact him. Her entire family comes to the Island for the séance, including Uncle Victor (Leslie Nielsen). This episode is Neilsen’s second appearance on the Fantasy Island and, again, he’s playing a very serious and a very somber character but, because he’s so deadpan about it, it’s hard not hear everything that he says as being a joke. It’s always great fun to see Nielsen playing humorless authority figures in the days before he became a comedy superstar. The only thing that would make this episode better would be if Nielsen turned out to be the murderer but sadly, he’s not. As for the rest of the fantasy, the séance scenes manage to strike the right balance between being creepy and being campy. Clare’s dead brother yells a lot but I guess that’s what you do when you’re trying to communicate from the beyond.

This was an enjoyable episode, featuring good performances from the guest stars and fantasies that were intriguing without demanding too much from the audience. This trip to Fantasy Island was more than worth it.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.13 “The Lady and the Longhorn/Vampire”

Posted on March 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Robert Reed turns into a vampire!

Episode 2.13 “The Lady and the Longhorn/Vampire”

(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on December 16th, 1978)

Tattoo is excited because Vera Templeton (Eva Gabor) is coming to the island. Vera is the glamorous owner of a cosmetics company and she is looking for a location to shoot a commercial for her makeup. Tattoo hopes that she’ll hire him to direct so he puts on a red beret to make him look more like a director. Mr. Roarke rolls his eyes, letting us know that he has no time for Tattoo’s foolishness. NOT THIS WEEK!

Actually, this turns out to be a very foolish week indeed. Vera Templeton is not just coming to the Island to shoot a commercial. She is on the verge of going bankrupt and needs to marry a rich man. She meets Hollis Buford, Jr. (Jack Elam), who wears a cowboy hat and picks his teeth and talks about the rodeo a lot but who is apparently a millionaire. He’s also supposed to be from Dallas. (I’m from Dallas and I can assure you that the cattle barons live in Fort Worth.) Vera flirts with Hollis by speaking in a painfully bad Southern accent. Vera and Hollis get engaged. Hollis seems to love Vera but Vera just wants his money and we are supposed to find this funny.

Vera’s bratty and annoying daughter (Tammy Lauren) doesn’t like Hollis, even though he seems like a perfectly well-meaning guy. So, she sells her stocks to Vera’s butler (Lloyd Bochner) and Vera marries her butler after telling Hollis that their marriage just won’t work out. “Dagnabbit,” Hollis says, “Now, I have to find another date to the rodeo.”

What an annoying fantasy. Not only did the humor fall flat but it was a bit mean-spirited as well.

Meanwhile, Leo Drake (Robert Reed) and his wife, Carmen (Julie Sommars) have come to the Island. Roarke explains that Leo is a method actor.

“That means he like to become the role that he plays,” Tattoo says, “Like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky.”

(And that is probably the only time in history that Robert Reed has even been compared to Sylvester Stallone.)

Leo has been cast in a remake of Dracula so he wants to live in an actual castle overlooking a village in Transylvania. Roarke obliges and soon, Leo is wandering the streets in the middle of the night and he’s developing fangs. Has he become a vampire or is the method getting the better of him? The villagers want to set him on fire but Roarke suggests that they just wait for the sun to rise. When the sun doesn’t destroy Leo, everyone realizes that he’s not a vampire and …. well, that’s that!

Yes, it’s painfully dumb but at least the episode features mild-mannered Robert Reed, with his gray perm and his aging porn star mustache, putting on a cape and wandering around a village at midnight. Reed is totally miscast but that gives this episode what little charm it has.

My fantasy is that next week’s episode will be better!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 2.12 “Charlie’s Cherubs/Stalag 3”

Posted on March 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Fantasy Island is invaded by Nazis and Angels!

Episode 2.3 “Charlie’s Cherubs/Stalag 3”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on December 9th, 1978)

Today’s episode begins with Mr. Roarke noticing that Tattoo is carrying a calculator with him.

“What is that, Tattoo?” he asks.

“A mini-computer,” Tattoo replies, “My cousin Igor sent it to me. Computers can take away a lot of guess work.”

Mr. Roarke, obviously thinking that these “computer” things are but a mere fad, replies, “So can bikinis. Let us meet our guests.”

This week, all of the guests have dangerous fantasies. For instance, Danny Ryan (Cornel Wilde) is a World War II veteran who has never really been able to make it in the post-War world. So, he invites three fellow vets to return with him to the French town in which they spent 1944. During the War, they were POWS at Stalag 3 but they were famous for continually outsmarting Commandant Horst Von Stern (Nehemiah Persoff). In fact, Von Stern’s career and reputation never really recovered from the time that Danny and his friends escaped. (I imagine that, after the war, Von Stern’s reputation was also damaged by the fact that he was a freaking Nazi commandant.) Not only has Mr. Roarke arranged for the old French village — complete with Fifi of the Resistance (played by Yvonne DeCarlo) — to be moved to Fantasy Island but he also brought over the old POW camp. Unfortunately, Von Stern decides to come over as well and get his revenge by tossing Danny and friends back in the camp.

“You see,” Von Stern announces, “generals have fantasies too.”

What the Hell is going on with this Island? Does Mr. Roarke just give anyone a fantasy, even a Nazi war criminal? Actually, it appears that Mr. Roarke doesn’t know that Von Stern has come to the Island nor does he know that there is a treasure of stolen diamonds hidden in the village. Apparently, Roarke decided to just let this fantasy run on autopilot without actually bothering to check in with what was going on.

Both Mr. Roarke and Tattoo are more concerned with the three secretaries (Melinda Naud, Brenda Benet, and Bond Gideon) who want to be Charlie’s Angels and solve a crime. The crime involves a theft on Fantasy Island and …. well, it’s really not much of a mystery. It’s basically a 20-minutes episode of Charlie’s Angels, with a bit less action but a lot more scenes of people saying stuff like, “He knows about electronics so he’s the thief!” It was really a weak fantasy, which is a shame because, if I ever went to Fantasy Island, I would probably want to be a detective as well!

The show ends with Von Stern being sent to Germany to be put on trial for war crimes and the Angels saying that they’re ready to be secretaries again. Roarke informs them that most angels fantasize about being secretaries. Uhmmm, Mr. Roarke …. the proper term is administrative professional. Everything appears to be wrapped up but, as the show ends, Tattoo announces that someone has stolen his mini-computer and Mr. Roarke laughs at his assistant’s misfortune. Perhaps Tattoo losing his most prized possession was Roarke’s fantasy.

This was a weird episode. Mr. Roarke might need to pay closer attention to what’s happening on his island!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”

Posted on February 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles everyone! Smiles!

Episode 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”

(Dir by Georg Stanford Brown, Originally aired on December 2nd, 1978)

Tattoo has come up with a new way to become a millionaire! He’s invented a sleeping bag that he claims can hold two people. Mr. Roarke is a bit skeptical that the small roll of material that Tattoo is holding could possibly be big enough to hold two people. Tattoo tells him that all he has to do is remove a key and the material will inflate. Roarke removes the key and several feathers explode into the air. Tattoo shrugs and says that he obviously has to get back to the drawing board.

“Inventor indeed,” Mr. Roarke says, in a tone that suggests that the only he reason he’s not physically killing Tattoo is because it’s time for them to greet their guests.

(Why is Tattoo always trying to make extra money? Does Fantasy Island not pay well?)

This week, the fantasies are all about reliving the past. Charlie Parks (Phil Silvers) and Will Fields (Phil Harris) used to be stars on Vaudeville but, like so many of the old time entertainers, they’ve now found themselves forgotten. Charlie’s even been put in a nursing home. Still, he manages to make the trip to Fantasy Island, where his fantasy is to be reunited with Will so that they can try to bring Vaudeville back to life.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work. Tattoo loves their corny old jokes but when they perform for a larger audience, they only get a few pity chuckles. Dejected, Charlie plans to return to his retirement home when he and Will are approached by a man who claims that he works for the city of Baltimore. (Oh no! Run!) The man explains that he wants to hire Charlie and Will to perform at nursing homes, where their old-fashioned routines will enliven the golden years of people who don’t like loud music and R-rated movies. Charlie and Will agree. Yay!

Meanwhile, Dorothy Weller (Carol Lynley) is a woman who has spent the past few months in a coma. Now, she’s not sure if the man she thought she loved really existed or if he was just someone she dreamed up while she was in the hospital. Mr. Roarke arranges for her to travel to a recreation of the same Mexican town where she met the mystery man. She finds her former lover, Tom Parnell (Stuart Whitman), on the beach. Tom explains that he is real and he is in love with her. He’s also a spy and there’s an international assassin (an appropriately sinister Luke Askew) after him!

This episode was kind of a mixed bag. The Vaudeville fantasy featured charming performances from Phil Silvers and Phil Harris but their jokes were never quite as funny as Tattoo seemed to think that they were. The spy fantasy was not helped by the casting of the reliably dull Stuart Whitman but the story itself was intriguing and Carol Lynley gave a believable and emotional performance as Dorothy. The end result was a thoroughly pleasant but not altogether memorable trip to Fantasy Island. But really, when it comes to Fantasy Island, hasn’t the appeal always been just how pleasant everything is?

Well, except for the relationship between Tattoo and Mr. Roarke, of course. I still suspect Tattoo is secretly plotting to kill Mr. Roarke and take over the island. Who knows? Maybe that’ll be a future episode. We’ll find out soon!