This song, of course, features a sample from David Bowie’s Heroes.
As for the video, I always assume that everyone here is having one last party before a gigantic meteor crashes into the planet and wipes out all human life. To be honest, I tend to assume that most music videos are about humanity’s attempt to ignore the fact that everyone’s life will eventually end in a combination of misery, death, and absolutely horror.
Enjoy!
Last night, I watched Sunday’s Lifetime premiere film, Her Worst Nightmare!
Why Was I Watching It?
I recorded Her Worst Nightmare off of Lifetime on Sunday night. I watched it on Monday because I desperately needed to make some space on my DVR! (Seriously, I’ve got like 5 hours of recording space left…)
Plus, I have to admit that I really liked the title. Judging from the poster above, the film was originally called Degrees of Fear but I actually preferred Her Worst Nightmare. Honestly, if the word nightmare appears in the title, there’s no way that I’m not going to watch.
What Was It About?
A year ago, Dakota (Claire Blackwelder) was kidnapped and held prisoner by a brutal sociopath. Though she was eventually rescued and her kidnapper was sent to prison, Dakota is still struggling to deal with the trauma of what she’s been through. Now a college student, Dakota is still paranoid and withdrawn. With a student reporter trying to get her to talk about her experiences and a possibly lecherous professor (Trevor St. John) constantly trying to get her to come out and have a drink with him, Dakota doesn’t know who to trust.
It especially doesn’t help that it appears that, once again, someone is stalking Dakota. Has her kidnapper escaped or is something else happening? Dakota is determined to find out!
What Worked?
In the lead role, Claire Blackwelder gave a sympathetic performance and she did a good job of portraying Dakota’s paranoia. It was impossible not to empathize with Dakota and Blackwelder’s performance really held the film together.
Meanwhile, Trevor St. John was hilariously self-satisfied in the role of Prof. Campbell. We’ve all had a teacher like him, the handsome professor who goes out of his way to let you know that 1) he’s only a few years older than you and 2) he likes to hang out at the same places that you do and 3) he’d love to have office hours with you at any time during the semester.
Her Worst Nightmare was a relatively restrained film. Usually, I complain whenever a Lifetime film is too low key. I usually like my Lifetime melodramas to be totally and completely over-the-top. But, in the case of Her Worst Nightmare, the restrained approach actually worked. It generated suspense and, like Dakota, I found myself looking at every corner of the screen, keeping an eye out for any possible threats.
What Didn’t Work?
I have to admit that I wasn’t particularly shocked when the identity of Dakota’s stalker was revealed. That’s one of the drawbacks of having a small cast. There’s only so many possible suspects and, once you discount all of the obvious ones, it’s pretty easy to guess who it’s going to be.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
Whenever Dakota was feeling paranoid, I was like, “Been there.” Unlike Dakota, I’ve never been kidnapped and held prisoner but I very well could have been if luck had not been on my side. Anyone who has ever been stalked or who has ever escaped from an abusive relationship will be able to relate to Dakota.
Lessons Learned
Just because you’re paranoid, that doesn’t mean that people aren’t out to get you. Actually, to be honest, I already knew that before I watched the film but sometimes, the best thing that a film can do is remind you of something that you already know to be true!
Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime movie premiere, Killer Night Shift!
Why Was I Watching It?
Because it was on Lifetime!
Seriously, as much as I loved watching all of the SyFy shark movies last week, I was ready to return to Lifetime and see what type of melodrama they had to offer this weekend.
I have to admit that I was also intrigued by the title. Killer is a word that shows up in several Lifetime titles but this is the first time that I’ve ever heard of a killer night shift. Some day, I’m going to write a Lifetime movie called Killer Yoga Lesson.
What Was It About?
It was about a couple, David (Johnny Pacar) and Tricia (Christie Burson) Rosen. They’re rich in the way that most Lifetime couples are, in that they own a really big house, Tricia is an online yoga instructor, and David’s business is ill-defined but it keeps him away from home for extended periods of time.
Tricia is also 8 months pregnant! With David away on business, Tricia needs a homecare nurse. She has two to choose from. There’s Irene (Vanessa Reseland), the sullen nurse that’s actually assigned to her. Irene has a shady history of stealing medication and being rude to patients. And then there’s Katy (Cynthia Evans), who is Tricia’s talkative neighbor and who spends all of her time at Tricia’s house.
(I don’t blame her! It’s a really nice house!)
Anyway, since this is a Lifetime film, we know that at least one of the nurses is going to turn out to be crazy and homicidal. But which one?
What Worked?
For the first hour or so, the film did a pretty good job of keeping you guessing as to which nurse would ultimately turn out to be the dangerous one. Both Vanessa Reseland and Cynthia Evans were well cast as two very different nurses. Once it was revealed which nurse actually was the bad nurse, I have to say that she turned out to be even more evil than the typical Lifetime villain.
Shalesha Monique Henderson played Irene’s supervisor, Adele. Though it was a small role, Henderson made a definite impression. We’ve all known someone like Adele, someone who doesn’t have any time for any foolishness and who is too busy to waste time being polite. Adele’s withering look of disgust whenever Irene complained about her assignment was definitely one of the highlights of the film.
What Did Not Work?
The film itself moved a bit slowly and I have to admit that I got a bit depressed while watching it. Despite all of the melodrama, the film wasn’t quite as over the top as a typical Lifetime film. Lifetime movies deal with such traumatic issues that you kinda need those over the top, borderline absurd moments to remind you that it’s only a movie. You really felt their absence in Killer Night Shift.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
I was in kind of a bad mood yesterday so I related to Irene’s constant bad mood. Sometimes, you just don’t want to say “excuse me” when you shove someone out of the way.
Lessons Learned
There’s a lot of money to be made in yoga.
Hearing this song transports me back to 2003, when life seemed so simple and the future seemed limitless… actually, that’s the way things still seem to me in 2018. I guess I’m a born optimist!
Anyway, I always think of this as being a song of liberation but that’s mostly just because of the title. The lyrics are actually about an independent woman finding the courage to let people into her life. But, ultimately, what matters is how a song — any song — makes you feel.
As for the video, I would say it features just about the safest house party that I’ve ever seen. Compare it to the video for Fiona Apple’s Criminal.
Enjoy!
This video from Phantogram (who are like one of my favorite musical duos of all time) puts me in the mood for apocalypse. The starkness of the interiors reminds me of David Lynch. The crashing waves reminds me of Jeff Nichols’s Take Shelter. And then, of course, you’ve got the whole Ex Machina thing going on as well.
This video was directed by Grant Singer, who has directed videos for pretty much everyone. Well, maybe not everyone by he has worked with Taylor Swift, which is just as good. He’s also done videos for Lorde, The Weeknd, Ariel Pink, Sleigh Bells, and Skrillex.
(Also, to all of our readers and to my fellow collaborators here at the Shattered Lens, rest assured that all of you still get me high.)
Enjoy!
So, I finally watched the 2018 thriller, The Snowman, and my main reaction to the film is that it featured a lot of snow.
That’s understandable, of course. The film takes place in Norway and it’s called The Snowman so, naturally, I wasn’t expecting a lot of sunshine. Still, after a while, the constant shots of the snow-covered landscape start to feel like almost some sort of an inside joke. It’s almost as if the film is daring you to try to find one blade of grass in Norway. Of course, the snow is important because the film’s about a serial killer who builds snowmen at the sites of his crimes. They’re usually pretty big snowmen as well. It’s hard not to be a little impressed by the fact that he could apparently make such impressive snowmen without anyone noticing.
Along with the snow, the other thing that I noticed about this movie is that apparently no one knows how to flip a light switch in Norway. This is one of those films where every scene seems to take place in a dark room. I found myself worrying about everyone’s eyesight and I was surprised the everyone in the film wasn’t wearing glasses. I can only imagine how much strain that puts on the eyes when you’re constantly trying to read and look for clues in the dark.
Michael Fassbender plays Harry Hole, a Norwegian police inspector who may be troubled but still gets results! He’s upset because his ex-girlfriend (Charlotte Gainsbourg) has a new boyfriend (Jonas Karlsson). He’s also upset because his son (Michael Yates) doesn’t know that Harry is actually his father. Or, at least, I think that Harry’s upset. It’s hard to tell because Fassbender gives a performance that’s almost as cold as the snow covering the Norwegian ground. Of course, he’s always watchable because he’s Fassbender. But, overall, he doesn’t seem to be particularly invested in either the role or the film.
Harry and his new partner (Rebecca Ferguson) are investigating a missing person’s case, which quickly turns into a multiple murder mystery. It turns out that the crimes are linked to a bunch of old murders, all of which were investigated by a detective named Gert Rafto (Val Kilmer). Gert was troubled but he still got results! Or, at least, Harry thinks that he may have gotten results. Nine years ago, Rafto died under mysterious circumstances…
Now, I have to admit that when, 30 minutes into the film, the words “9 years earlier” flashed on the screen, I groaned a bit. I mean, it seemed to me that the movie was already slow enough without tossing in a bunch of flashbacks. However, I quickly came to look forward to those brief flashbacks, mostly because they featured Val Kilmer in total IDGAF mode. Kilmer stumbles through the flashbacks, complete with messy hair and a look of genuine snarky bemusement on his face. Kilmer gives such a weird and self-amused performance that his brief scenes are the highlight of the film.
Before it was released, The Snowman was hyped as a potential Oscar contender. After the movie came out and got roasted by the critics, director Tomas Alfredson replied that the studio forced him to rush through the production and that 10 to 15% of the script went unfilmed. Considering Alfredson’s superior work on Let The Right One In and Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, I’m inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. The film’s disjointed style would certainly seem to back up Alfredson’s claim that there was originally meant to be more to the film than actually ended up on the screen.
The Snowman is one of those films that doesn’t seem to be sure what it wants to be. At times, it aspires to David Lynch-style surrealism while, at other times, it seems to be borrowing from the morally ambiguous crime films of Taylor Sheridan. Ultimately, it’s a confused film that doesn’t seem to have much reason for existing. At the same time, I’ve also been told that the Jo Nesbø novel upon which the movie is based is excellent. The same author also wrote the novel that served as the basis for 2011’s Headhunters, which was pretty damn good. So, read the book and ignore the film.
This video reminds me of … well, almost every recent futuristic dystopia movie that I’ve ever seen. You’ve got the large but kinda messy apartment. You’ve got the virtual reality. And you’ve got the really, really bright sun.
Seriously, have you ever noticed that? Futuristic dystopias are always either extremely dark and rainy or extremely bright. It’s like, in the future, people aren’t allowed to close the curtains or pull down the shades on a sunny day. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle that. Hopefully, the robots won’t take over anytime soon.
Anyway, enjoy!
Do you remember Shipping Wars?
It’s okay if you don’t. I have to admit that, up until yesterday, I had pretty much forgotten about it. Shipping Wars was a reality show that aired, for three years, on A&E. From 2012 to 2015, the show followed independent contractors as they transported various weird things across America. It was produced by the same people who did Storage Wars and, like that show, a good deal of emphasis was put on the various contractors competing against each other to get the biggest contracts and secure the most profitable paydays. As I said, I had pretty much forgotten about the show until yesterday. That’s when I came across a Shipping Wars marathon on the FYI channel and I was immediately reminded of just how addictive this stupid show could be.
A typical episode of Shipping Wars would open with all of the shippers (as they were called) hanging out in their trucks and staring at their laptops. All of them competed for shipments in timed auctions held on uShip.com. (Basically, the entire show was a commercial for uShip but I’m too much of a capitalist to care.) Typically, each episode featured two auctions. Once the shipper had won their auction, it was then up to them to transport their cargo to a new location without destroying it or arriving late. That may sound simple enough but it was rare that anyone managed to pull of either one of those requirements. That can only mean that it’s either really difficult to transport stuff or that all of the shipper on Shipping Wars were amazingly incompetent.
Of course, the camera crew would follow each shipper as they made their journey. The shippers who did not win the auction would randomly pop up to offer up sarcastic commentary on how their rival was doing. The commentary was notable for how thoroughly petty it often got. For instance, if a shipper got caught in a rain storm, you could just bet that someone would remark, “It looks like your approval rating’s about to go underwater.” If a truck got a flat tire, the commentary would usually be something like, “Way to check your tires before getting out on the road, dumbass!” What they shippers lacked in wit, they made up for in pure spite.
Spite defined most episodes of Shipping Wars. One of the remarkable things about that show is that absolutely no one ever appeared to be in a good mood. It wasn’t just the shippers who seemed to be terminally annoyed. The people shipping the stuff often seemed to have an attitude. The people who received the stuff almost always turned out to be jerks who tried to get out of paying the full amount that they had agreed to pay. And the shippers themselves were always in a thoroughly crappy mood. Roy Gabler, one of the most prominent of the shippers, was infamous for referring to almost everyone he met as being an idiot. Shipping Wars presents a portrait of America where everyone has a chip on their shoulder and absolutely no one ever bothers to say thank you. Since I hate the forced sentimentality of most reality shows, I’ve always appreciated the fact that literally everyone in Shipping Wars was just out for themselves.
The other fun thing about Shipping Wars was seeing some of the things that needed to be transported. One of my favorite episodes featured a wedding cake that was driven across country in an unrefrigerated trailer. Needless to say, the cake did not survive the trip. The previously mentioned Roy Gabler had an affinity for transporting weird things, like classic movie props and, in one episode, a water tower. Nothing fazed Roy. No matter what he was transporting, he was always equally annoyed.
Unfortunately, Roy died shortly before the start of what would be the show’s last season. Shipping Wars never recovered from the loss of Roy’s perpetually annoyed tone of voice and it was canceled in 2015. As I discovered last night, you can see reruns on FYI. Or maybe you can just go on uShip and ask if anyone’s willing to move a cursed house from Texas to Vermont.
That should get their attention!
(For the record, the above clip is a parody but it still perfectly captures the feeling of Shipping Wars.)
Previous Guilty Pleasures
Yesterday was Sharknado Day.
What is Sharknado Day? If you have to ask, you’ll never understand. Sharknado Day is the day that the latest chapter in The Asylum’s Sharknado franchise premieres on SyFy. That’s the day when people like me cause twitter to go over capacity tweeting about the film. That’s the day good people all across America try to count the number of celebrity cameos while also trying to keep track of all of the homages and references to past movies that are always waiting to be found in every Sharknado Film. Yesterday was the sixth Sharknado Day since 2013 and, if we’re to believe our friends at The Asylum, it was also the last Sharknado Day.
Is it true? Was The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time truly the final Sharknado? Perhaps. But somehow, I have a feeling that the flying sharks will return someday. Critics have always underestimated the production savvy of The Asylum and I wouldn’t be shocked if, after a year or two of nostalgia, we saw Sharknado 7: A New Beginning.
But if The Last Sharknado was truly the final Sharknado, then it can be said that the franchise truly went out on a high note.
The plot — well, usually, the conventional wisdom is that the plot of a Sharknado movie really doesn’t matter. Usually, it’s assumed that all a Sharknado film needs is a lot of shark mayhem and snarky humor. And that’s true, to an extent. And yet, I still found myself getting caught up in The Last Sharknado‘s storyline. It all deals with Fin (Ian Ziering), April (Tara Reid), the head of a robot version of April (again, Tara Reid), Nova (Cassandra Scerbo), and Skye (Vivica A. Fox) traveling through time, hopping from period to period. Fin and April’s goal is to stop the first Sharknado and to save the life of their son, Gil. Nova wants to save the life of her grandfather, even though that might change history to the extent that she would never become a great shark hunter. As for the robot head … well, she develops an agenda of her own, one that really has to be seen to be believed.
The film has a lot of time travel and, of course, the journey from period to period allows for several celebrity cameos. When Fin ends up in Arthurian Britain, Neil deGrasse Tyson pops up as Merlin. During the Revolutionary War, a somewhat sarcastic General Washington is played by Darrell Hammond. Dee Snider plays a sheriff in the old west. Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott show on the beach in the 60s. Touchingly, the film even finds a way to include the late John Heard in the action. (Heard played a key supporting role in the first Sharknado.) I’m a history nerd, so I enjoyed all of the time travel. I especially enjoyed the film’s portrayal of Benjamin Franklin as a rather bitchy eccentric, largely because it’s often forgotten that Franklin was, in real life, a bit of a bitchy eccentric.
(Add to that, how can you resist a film the features both dinosaurs and flying sharks?)
The film takes a surprisingly dark turn during the second hour, as Fin and Skye spend some time in a dystopian future and Nova tries to change history by saving her grandfather’s life. When Fin points out that doing so will change history and that, for Nova to become a great shark hunter, her grandfather has to die, Nova calls him out for being self-centered. To their credit, both Cassie Scerbo and Ian Ziering play the argument totally straight and both give heartfelt performances. Amid all of the comedy and the shark-related mayhem, the film develops a real heart.
That heart is at the center of The Last Sharknado. To a large extent, the sharks are superfluous. They’re carnivorous MacGuffins. Instead, the film is about celebrating not only the bonds between Fin, April, Nova, and all of their friends but also the bond that’s been developed between the characters and those of us who have watched them over the course of six films. Towards the end of the film, when Fin talks about what his friends and family mean to him, it’s clear that he’s also speaking for the filmmakers. Just as Fin thanks his friends for sticking with him, the filmmakers take the time to thank the audience for sticking with them. It was a heartfelt scene and it was the perfect way to end The Last Sharknado.
To those who do not celebrate Sharknado Day, it may seem strange to say that I got emotional while watching the final scene of The Last Sharknado on Sunday night. Then again, is it any stranger than the idea of a franchise about a bunch of sharks flying through the air, spinning around in a funnel, becoming a major pop cultural milestone?
It’s a strange world and we’re all the better for it.
Right now, we’re in the middle of SyFy’s Sharknado week. On Sunday night, SyFy will premiering what they say is going to be The Last Sharknado. In the days leading up to that moment, they’ve been reshowing all of their classic shark films and premiering a new shark film each night!
Saturday night’s premiere was 6-Headed Shark Attack!
“Oh, Hell yeah!” I shouted when I first saw the title of this movie. So much attention has been paid to The Asylum’s Sharknado franchise that people tend to overlook that the Asylum has another equally entertaining franchise, the multi-headed shark franchise.
Starting with 2-Headed Shark Attack in 2012, the Asylum has steadily been increasing the number of heads on its sharks. Indeed, one of the pleasures of these multi-headed shark films has been trying to guess just how exactly all of those shark heads would fit on just one shark body. With last year’s 5-Headed Shark Attack, we ended up with a shark who had four heads at the front and, rather awkwardly, one head on its tail. The shark in 6-Headed Shark Attack is shaped by like a starfish and is perhaps the most impressive multi-headed shark yet.
What was it that made the 6-headed shark so impressive? Well, have you ever seen a shark crawl out of the ocean and chase someone across a beach? Watch 6-Headed Shark Attack and you will! By using two of its heads as legs, the shark could move pretty quickly across sand. As a result, the timeless advice of “Don’t go in the water” isn’t going to help you out when it comes to the 6-headed shark!
Another great thing about the 6-headed shark is that it had super healing powers! For instance, if it lost one head, another head would eventually pop up in its place. In perhaps one of the greatest scenes ever to be found in an Asylum shark film, the 6-headed shark actually ripped off one of its own heads and threw it at someone! Not even Jaws could do that!
Whereas previous multi-headed shark films pretty much ignored the question of just how a shark ended up with multiple heads, 6-Headed Shark Attack actually does provide a bit of an origin for its title character. It was created as the result of a military research lab that was located on a remote island. The lab has long since been abandoned but the 6-headed shark is still out there. Unfortunately, the island is currently being used for couples therapy, which is being led by Will (Brandon Auret). Even once the 6-headed shark shows up, Will remains determined to bring everyone together and help them achieve their full potential. There’s something oddly touching about Will’s effort to do his job, even when there’s a shark throwing one of its heads at his clients.
I liked 6-Headed Shark Attack. This is one of those films that works because it delivers exactly what it promised. The title declares that we’re going to get a 6-Headed Shark Attack and that’s what we get! If you can’t enjoy the sight of a shark with 6 heads chasing people across the beach, I worry about you.
Through the Shattered Lens 