Ventriloquist dummies are creeping as Hell and no one sane should own one. Seriously, I’ve seen enough movies and TV shows about living dummies that there’s no way I would ever allow myself to be near one. They’re always talking about their wild sex lives (which, considering the state of the lower half of their body, I kind of suspect that they’re lying about) and complaining about someone having their clammy hand inside of them and, apparently, if you don’t keep them happy, they’ll try to kill you and everyone that you love. Stay away from the dummies!
R.L. Stine obviously understands the inherent creepiness of the ventriloquist dummy as well. The 1993 YA horror novel, Night of the Living Dummy, is about two sisters who get into a dummy-inspired rivalry. When Lindy finds a ventriloquist dummy in the garbage, she names it Slappy and soon, she’s the most popular kid around, which …. seems kind of strange. But who knows? Maybe in 1993, ventriloquism was really cool instead of being ultra creepy. Lindy’s sister, Kris, gets a dummy of her very own. She names him Mr. Wood. Now, there’s two ventriloquist dummies in the house!
And …. they appear to hate each other….
Once you get passed the idea of a young ventriloquist being popular as opposed to shunned by society, Night of the Living Dummy is a fun little book, featuring both a realistic portrait of sisterhood and a memorably nasty dummy. Mr. Wood is a real instigator, insulting everyone he meets and mocking a teacher for being overweight. And yet, is Mr. Wood doing this himself or is he just an extension of Kris’s anger and jealousy towards her sister? It’s an interesting idea, though Stine is smart enough not to get bogged down in subtext. He understands that his readers are reading the book because they want some demonic dummy action and he delivers a lot of that.
I can’t end this review with pointing out that today is R.L. Stine’s 77th birthday! Happy birthday and thank you for the chills!
Sitting in the middle of the forest, there’s a camp ground. Rumor has it that the camp was built on the site of an ancient Native American burial ground and that’s why grouchy Robert Ritchie (David Hess) and his wife Julia (Mismy Farmer) were able to afford it as such as reasonable price. I guess that could be true and maybe the part about the curse is true, too…. Well, no matter! People love to camp and the forest is lovely and there’s no way that this camp ground won’t be a success!
In fact, the only thing that could stop it from being a popular vacation location would be if two teenagers were mysteriously murdered one night….
Which, of course, is exactly what happens! The daughter of a local doctor (played by John Steiner, of all people) goes off with her boyfriend and both of them are murdered! (Though we’re told that the two of them are high school students and, when we first see them, they’re at basketball practice, both victims appear to be in their early 30s. When the actress playing the doctor’s daughter first approached him, I immediately assumed that she was playing his wife. I was actually a little bit stunned when she said, “Bye, Daddy.”)
Anyway, the unsolved murder pretty much ruins any hope of the camp ground being successful. 15 years later, Robert is paranoid and convinced that a Native shaman is sneaking around the forest and looking for campers to kill. Meanwhile, Julia is so frustrated with her increasingly unstable husband that she’s having an affair with the sheriff (Charles Napier). The sheriff is so busy shtupping Julia that it often falls upon Deputy Ted (Ivan Rassimov, who had the best hair of all the Italian horror actors) to actually enforce the law. Meanwhile, the doctor is still mourning the death of his daughter and wandering around the forest.
Eventually, a bunch of obnoxious 30-something teenagers arrive, looking for a place to park their camper and ride their dirt bikes. Despite the history of murder and the general grouchiness of Robert Ritchie, they decide to say at the campground. Soon, a masked killer is carving people up. Is it the spirit of the Native shaman or is it something else? Who will survive and what will be left of them?
This 1986 Italian film was directed by none other than Ruggero Deodato, the man behind films like Cannibal Holocaust and The House On The Edge of the Park (which starred Body Count’s David Hess). As one might expect from a Deodato film, the emphasis is on blood and atmosphere. Deodato, who always had a good eye for properly ominous locations, gets a lot of mileage out of that spooky forest, which really does look like exactly the place where a masked killer would chose to hang out. While the kills are tame by Deodato standards, they’re still icky enough to make you cringe. I’m sorry but if the scene involving the body hanging from the hook doesn’t freak you out, then you’ve obviously become dangerously desensitized and you probably should probably take a break from watching movies like this.
Of course, the main appeal of Body Count is to see a cast of Italian horror and exploitation veterans going through the motions of starring in an American-style slasher film. David Hess, Ivan Rassimov, John Steiner, Charles Napier, and Mimsy Farmer are all such wonderfully eccentric performers that they’re worth watching even when they’re stuck in one-dimensional roles. David Hess, especially, does a good job as the unhinged Robert Ritchie and the film makes good use of Hess’s image. The film understand that we’re so used to watching David Hess kill people on screen that our natural instinct is to suspect the worst when we see him in Body Count. I also liked the performance of John Steiner, largely because Steiner always came across like he couldn’t believe that, after a distinguished theatrical education, he somehow ended up an Italian horror mainstay. And, of course, Ivan Rassimov had the best hair in the Italian horror genre.
Body Count is on Prime. The story’s not great but it’s worth watching just for the horror vets in attendance.
Yesterday, I didn’t get to watch or review any horror films because the air conditioner at the house stopped working. While I know that a lot of people up north think that AC is a luxury that’s going to destroy the world, I live in Texas and an air conditioner is a necessity down here. So, if that leads to glaciers melting and me getting a lecture from some obnoxious little brat …. well, fine.
Anyway, we were able to get the air conditioner fixed. It took a while but it’s now working again. Once the AC was again blowing cool air into the house, I started to think about how it could be worse. I mean, the house could be haunted. We always tend to assume that ghosts are going to be nice but really, there are some nasty ghosts out there.
Take the 1986 film, House, for instance. House stars William Katt as Roger Cobb, a horror author who needs a best seller. Cobb is dealing with a lot. He’s wife (Kay Lenz) has left him. His son has vanished. His aunt has recently committed suicide, leaving behind her house. On top of all that, Cobb is still haunted by his experiences during the Vietnam War, when he was forced to leave behind a gravely wounded soldier named Big Ben (Richard Moll). Cobb wants to write about his Vietnam experiences but his agent is aghast. No one wants to talk about the war!
So, Roger moves into his aunt’s old house. He was originally planning on selling it but, for whatever reason, he thinks living in an abandoned house that drove its last owner to suicide will be a good idea. Roger thinks that living in the house will help him finish his book. The House has different ideas.
Soon, Roger finds himself dealing with a series of incidents that feel as if they were lifted from other, more cohesive horror movies. In a scene that feels like it was inspired by the Evil Dead, his wife turns into an otherworldly creature and tries to attack him. Weird gremlin creatures, which could have come from Troll or Ghoulies, keep showing up and trying to kidnap an obnoxious neighbor child. Roger’s neighbor (George Wendt) thinks that it’s possible that Roger is a murderer and that he’s buying his victims out in the backyard. Even worse, a decaying and pissed off Big Ben starts to show up.
House is an occasionally likable attempt to mix horror and comedy. Most of the comedy comes from Roger’s attempts to keep anyone else from noticing just how crazy things have gotten in the house. (Disposing of a demon’s body turns out to be not as easy as one might imagine.) William Katt does a good job with selling the comedy, though he never quite convinces you that he’s a best-selling horror author. That said, the horror aspect is far more interesting, if just as a metaphor for Roger’s PTSD. At its best, the film suggests that the house is feeding off of the lingering trauma of Roger’s war experiences. It’s an interesting idea but not one that’s really explored as much as you might like. Unfortunately, the film struggles to balance the horror and the comedy. Just when it really starts to scare you, it remembers that it’s supposed to be a comedy. Sam Raimi would have been the ideal director for House.
That said, House is entertaining, if a little bland. If nothing else, watching it made me feel better about my own house. My air conditioner may have gone down for a few hours yesterday but at least it didn’t open a portal to Hell.
For today’s horror on the lens, how about 1963’s The Yesterday Machine? This film opens with some impressive baton twirling and then segues into telling a story about time travel, mad scientists, and …. well, that’s about it. Still, what else do you need? Have you ever wondered what would happen if a sane scientist discovered time travel? For some reason, it’s always the insane ones who figure it out.
This film was shot in North Texas! That’s right, this is one of those low-budget regional productions, the one’s where the film might not be great but you kind of have to admire the determination of the filmmakers to try to make a real movie. Even if you didn’t recognize the landscape, the accents of the actors would have given it away immediately. Russ Marker was an independent filmmaker, based in Texas. The Yesterday Machine is one of two films that Marker directed. He also had an uncredited role as a bank guard in 1967’s Bonnie and Clyde.
Finally, the film stars Tim Holt who also appeared in The Magnificent Ambersons and Treasure of the Sierra Madre. How Does The Yesterday Machine rank when compared to those two films? Watch and find out! (And, after you watch it, read my review from last year.)
On tonight’s episode of Baywatch Nights, Mitch has to save a young woman from a voodoo cult! Because, listen — when you see a ghost, when you witness an alien abduction, when you realize that a cult is looking to commit a sacrifice, the first person you want to call is the beach patrol.
Being a lifeguard isn’t about just saving surfers, anymore. Sometimes, it’s about saving the very soul.
Today’s horror on the lens is the 1965 film, Frankenstein Meets The Space Man. This film features not only the debut of character actor James Karen but it also gave him a rare lead role. You may not recognize the name but you’ll know James Karen as soon as you see him. He’s probably best known, among horror fans, for his roles in Poltergiest and Return of the Living Dead.
Despite the movie’s title, it’s not about Frankenstein. Instead, it’s about an astronaut named Frank who is actually an android. When his latest mission into space goes wrong, Frank ends up crashing in Puerto Rico. Now malfunctioning, Frank causes some major chaos. Can his creator, Dr. Adam Steele (James Karen), track Frank down and put an end to his reign of terror?
And what about the Martians? Android Frank isn’t the only threat in Puerto Rico. A group of Martians have landed and are determined to kidnap any girl wearing a bikini so that they can use them to repopulate their race. We’re told that every woman on Mars — with the apparent exception of Princess Marcuzan, played with evil haughtiness by Marilyn Hanold — has been killed as the result of an atomic war. Assisting Princess Marcuzan is Dr. Nadir (Lou Cutell), a short, bald Martian with pointy ears.
One of the oddest things about Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster is that, despite being a standard — if wonderfully nonsensical — low-budget B-movie, it features a great soundtrack! Just try to get “That’s The Way It’s Got To Be” out of your head.
On tonight’s episode of Baywatch Nights, Mitch and Ryan discover a cabin that transports them through time! Suddenly, they’re no longer on the beaches of California. Now, they’re in a New York brothel in the 1890s and there’s a serial killer on the loose….
Okay, here’s the thing with Baywatch Nights. And yes, I know I’ve mentioned this before but now seems like a good time to mention it again. How exactly can anyone go from traveling through time at night to working as a lifeguard during the day? I mean, we’re 6 episodes into the 2nd season of this show and already Mitch has discovered that sea monsters, aliens, and now time travel are all real things. It just amazes me how calmly he’s able to accept all of that. Me, if I traveled through time, I doubt I would ever be able to just go back to my normal life. I would honestly be spending too much time obsessing on the fact that time travel is real.
Anyway, tonight’s episode is a bit ludicrous but kind of fun. So, enjoy!
Perhaps one of the most brilliant films ever, the 1977’s Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is a film about a bed that eats people. Yes, just like the title says.
Seriously, that’s almost the entire film. The bed sits in an abandoned, dilapidated mansion that appears to be located out in the middle of nowhere. People break into the mansion. People find the bed, which is surprisingly well-cared for considering the fact that it’s sitting in the middle of a dusty, abandoned house. Some people make love. Some people try to get some sleep. Some people just sit down so they can take off their shoes. But in the end, all of them get eaten.
The bed is vaguely alive, which is to say that, if you listen carefully, you can hear it breathing and chewing. Many years ago, the bed was conjured up by a demon who needed a place to make love to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, his girlfriend died while they were having sex which caused the demon to cry. The demon’s tears brought the bed to life and now, every ten years or so, it has to feed.
We know all of this because the painter Aubrey Beardsley tells us so. Much like Paganini Horror, Death Bed is unique in that it features an actual historical figure as a key part of the story. Aubrey Beardsley was an English illustrator who specialized in pictures of the grotesque, the decadent, and the erotic. Beardsley was only 25 years when he lost his life to tuberculosis, dying in France in 1898. However, Death Bed suggests that Beardlsey did not actually die but was instead imprisoned for eternity inside one of his paintings, forced to helplessly watch as Death Bed feasted. Though Beardsley knows how to destroy the Death Bed, no one can hear his words.
One of the more interesting things about Death Bed is that we actually get to see the inside of the bed while it’s digesting it’s victims. The bed literally eats everything that’s dropped on it, except for one woman who reminds the bed of the woman whom the demon loved. Whenever the bed sees this particular woman, it cries out in pain and we get a shot of red blood shooting through the inside of the bed.
The woman is Sharon (Rosa Luxemburg), a runaway who has come to the mansion with two of her friends. Why they’re at the mansion is never really quite clear, beyond the fact that they want to take care of the place for some reason. Suzan (Julie Ritter) brings flowers, just for Diane (Demene Hall) to point out that the mansion is in the middle of the wilderness and is therefore already surrounded by flowers! The bed eats Suzan and half of Diane.
Meanwhile, Sharon’s brother shows up and, believe it or not, he’s played by a vaguely recognizable actor, William Russ. (Russ is probably best known for playing Cory’s father on Boy Meets World.) Sharon’s brother — who doesn’t get a name beyond that — gets his hands eaten down to the bone by the bed but it doesn’t seem to bother him that much. He just sits there and stares down at his skeletal fingers. Can Sharon and her brother end the bed’s reign of terror? Will Aubrey Beardsley ever find peace?
Earlier, I called Death Bed brilliant and I was not joking. Death Bed plays out like a dream, full of weird images and off-kilter dialogue and strangely subdued performances. As odd as the story may be, the film delivers exactly what it promises. This is a film the promises a bed that eats people and that’s exactly what this bed does. The film plays out in a collection of strange, vaguely-connected images, mixed in with odd moments of humor. There’s a random shot of an elderly woman reading hardcore pornography. The bed drinks pepto bismol after having too much to eat. William Russ explains why his bony hands are falling apart. Death Bed is a dream of dark and disturbing things, a film that creates its own reality and dares you to stop watching. Much like An American Hippie In Israel, there’s no other film like it and therefore, it’s important that it be watched and appreciated. Death Bed is a unique spectacle, one that exists in a universe of its very own.
First published in 1978, Amok tells the story of a gigantic Japanese soldier who, during the final days of World War II, was ordered to stay in The Philippines and not stop fighting until he got word that the war had ended. Unfortunately, the soldier never found out about Hiroshima and Nagasaki so, decades after Japan’s surrender, he’s still living in the jungle, sneaking around at night with his sword and killing anyone who he comes across.
When he kills the brother of Mike Braden, Braden returns to his estranged family’s tobacco plantation, determined to get revenge. Braden’s a Vietnam vet, a soldier much like the predator who killed his brother. Mike is obsessed with ending the soldier’s reign of terror but no one else believes him when he claims that there’s a rampaging monster — The Amok, as the local villagers call it — in the jungle. To the other Americans in The Philippines, the Amok is just a legend. To Mike and its victims, the Amok is all too real.
Amok is one of those paperback that I always used to see in my aunt’s collection. (She had a huge stack of paperbacks in her bedroom closet and I used to go through them whenever we were visiting, mostly so I could “borrow” the racier ones.) I always found myself fascinated by the cover of Amok, which featured an unseen figure holding up a bloody sword. It looked really scary!
Having now finally read the novel, I can say that it is effectively scary. Amok is a relentlessly-paced story, one that doesn’t take its time getting to the blood and the guts and which does a great job of leaving you to wonder when the Amok is going to strike next. It touches on a lot of important themes — colonialism, war, racism — but it doesn’t really explore any of them in depth. And that’s fine! Ultimately, the job of a book like Amok is to generate suspense and to frighten the reader and Amok does a very good job of doing that!
It’s interesting to note that, when the book was first published, the cover announced that it was the scariest thing since Jaws. To be honest, Amok has a lot in common with Jaws. Like the giant shark, the Amok is a force of nature and one that many people refuse to believe exists despite the fact that he obviously does. It’s easy to imagine Amok being adapted into a Jaws-like film but, strangely enough, it doesn’t appear that it ever happened. Somehow, with the hundreds of slasher films that were made in the late 70s and 80s, no one ever got around to making a movie out of Amok, a book that seems like it was practically written so that someone would pick up the film rights.
Even if it never was turned into a movie, it’s still an effective page turner. Those of you looking for a mix of blood, guts, sex, and manly man talk will enjoy it.
“Really, Lisa Marie? That’s going to be your entire review of this film? Three words?”
Listen, I’ve been wanting to use those three words for a while. Do you think it’s easy to come up with 500 words about every stupid movie that you see, especially when it’s not exactly a movie that really holds your attention? Considering the importance that entertainment plays in our lives and the fact that there actually are good and interesting films being made, dismissing a forgettable film with “Eh, who cares?” is not only justifiable but it’s also perhaps the most honest review that one can give.
“Haven’t you always said that every film deserves a review?”
I may believe that but I’ve never been stupid enough to paint myself into a corner by saying it.
“Well, why don’t you at least tell everyone what the movie is about?”
Goddammit.
“Lisa Marie….”
Okay, okay. It’s a Spanish film about this paramedic named Angel Hernandez (Mario Casas). He’s a jerk, a total believer in all of that machismo bullshit. He spends all of his time talking about how smarter he is than everyone else and he has a girlfriend named Vane (Déborah François). They’re trying to have a baby but Angel has a low sperm count. Angel refuses to tell Vane this because, to him, that would make him less of a man.
“So, it’s a film about toxic masculinity.”
Eh. Kinda. Anyway, as a result of an accident, Angel is confined to a wheelchair. He doesn’t take it well. He expects Vane to wait on him hand-and-foot while he does stuff like spy on her and hack her laptop. Eventually, Vane leaves him for Ricardo (Guillermo Pfening) so Angel starts stalking her and, after he discovers that Ricardo has gotten her pregnant, Angel kidnaps her and holds her prisoner in his apartment. He gives her an engagement ring that he stole from a patient and starts talking about how they’re going to get married and how they’re going to raise the child.
“It sounds like a Lifetime movie.”
It is kind of but …. eh. A Lifetime movie would be more fun. This is just another boring movie where a loser kidnaps a woman and holds her prisoner in his apartment while killing anyone who comes close to discovering her. You would think that the villain being in a wheelchair would at least add some sort of curiosity value to the film but it’s all so predictable that it’s hard to care. Hence, my original review.
“Were the actors at least any good?”
I guess. I’ll give Mario Casas all the credit in the world. He did a good job of bringing a really loathsome character to life. I mean, everyone has had to deal with someone like Angel Hernandez at some point in their life. Anyone who has ever been told that they don’t really understand what they need or what they want will be able to relate to what Vane goes through.
“So, the film wasn’t all bad.”
No, it wasn’t all bad but at the same time, there was nothing particularly surprising about it either. I was never surprised by anything that happened. It’s just kind of there. You watch it and you shrug and you say….
