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Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.17 “Lose One, Win One/The $10,000 Lover/Mind My Wife”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise proves that you never knew who you would see on The Love Boat as both Jill St. John and Ron “Horshack” Pallilo set sail for adventure.

Episode 4.17 “Lose One, Win One/The $10,000 Lover/Mind My Wife”

(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on January 31st, 1981)

I have often said that the least believable thing about The Love Boat has been its portrayal of Doc Bricker (played, in likable but mild-mannered fashion, by Bernie Kopell) as being a legendary seducer.  This week’s episode, however, features something that is even less believable.  Ron Pallilo (yes, Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter) plays Casper Martin, the world’s most successful lover.

Yes, seriously.

Now, in the show’s defense, everyone points out that Casper is a bit on the …. nerdy side.  Gopher even calls him a nerd and if there’s anything that Gopher knows about, it’s being a nerd.  But apparently, women are supposed to find Casper to be irresistible.  (Speaking for myself …. uhmm, no.)  Though Casper himself doesn’t know it, he boards the ship just five sexual encounters away from setting the world record.  On the first day of the cruise, he takes it down to just being two encounters away.  (SERIOUSLY — WHO TAKES A CRUISE AND HAS SEX WITH HORSHACK!?)  Casper’s friend, Tony Streeter (James Darren), works for The Encyclopedia of World Records and is keeping track.

But then Casper meets the equally quirky Norma Kittredge (Gina Hecht) and falls in love and decides that he’s ready to settle down.  Will the record never be broken!?

Meanwhile, another passenger — Nick Rondo (Steve Marachuk) — is convinced that rich Priscilla Hensley (Dorian Lopinto) is actually Penny, a girl that he went to high school with.  It turns out that he’s right but Priscilla is lying about her background so that she can marry a rich snob named Buckstone Cooper (Sam Chew, Jr.).  Who will Penny pick?  Blue collar Nick or snobbish Buckstone?  Do you really have to ask?

Finally, Doc is excited because his old friend, Dr. Charlie Wilson (James MacKrell) has booked a cruise with his wife, Sandy (Jill St. John).  Unfortunately, Dr. Wilson has to back out of the cruise to perform surgery so Sandy sails alone.  Charlie asks Doc to look after his wife and Doc agrees.  However, Doc soon comes to fear that Sandy is interested in more than just friendship.  (Yes, this is the cruise where Horshack gets laid while Doc — for the first time ever — tries to resist temptation.)  No worries, Doc!  Sandy is more interested in Captain Stubing than her husband’s best friend.

This episode was a bit on the dull side.  Perhaps if Barbarino or even Epstein has taken the cruise instead of Horshack, things would have been a bit more entertaining but, as it was, this cruise didn’t make much of an impression.  Even the usually reliable Jill St. John seemed to be a bit bored by the whole thing.  Hopefully, next week’s episode will have something for everyone.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.5 “Circle of Fear”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, something is stalking Ryan!

Episode 2.5 “Circle of Fear”

(Dir by Bruce Kessler, originally aired on October 27th, 1996)

This episode opens with a blonde woman performing some sort of strange, witchcraft-related ceremony in the middle of the woods, spinning around until she apparently dies.  The next morning, Diamont Teague approaches Mitch and asks him to head out to the woods and investigate the scene of the ceremony.

As I watched Diamont talk to Mitch about witchcraft, it occurred to me that the Baywatch Nights format change that occurred between the end of season one and the start of season two led to some unanswered questions.  For one thing, where has Garner disappeared to?  Are Mitch and Ryan still private eyes or are they now just hobbyists?  (We haven’t seen them in their office since this season started.)  Even more importantly, who is Diamont and how does Mitch know him?  Why is Diamont continually asking Mitch and Ryan to investigate every strange thing that happens in Malibu?  Does Diamont work for the government or is he just someone who is obsessed with the paranormal?  Where does Diamont live?  Where is Diamont from?  Why can’t Diamont ever investigate anything on his own?  Why does he always tell Mitch and Ryan to do it?  At the start of the season, Diamont pretty much just showed up out-of-nowhere but everyone on the show acts as if he’s been around forever.

At the site of the witchy ceremony, Mitch and Ryan find the remains of an altar and a burned book.  A trip down to the local occult library reveals that the book is an ancient magical text.  Ryan buys an edition of the book and she takes it home with her.  Sitting alone in her new apartment, Ryan finds herself mysteriously compelled to read aloud from the book.  That turns out to be a mistake as Ryan soon finds herself being followed by a spirt that apparently wants to possess her and causes harm to come to anyone who annoys her, including a flirtatious waiter and an obnoxious plumber.  Can Mitch and Ryan drive the spirit out of Ryan’s apartment without Ryan losing her security deposit?

I enjoyed the episode, even if I’m still not quite clear on why Mitch and Ryan are taking orders from Diamont.  After being underutilized over the past few episodes, Angie Harmon steps into the spotlight here and she gives a strong performance, especially in the scenes where she’s first realizing that an unseen spirit is manipulating her and her actions.  Harmon’s down-to-earth style provides a nice match to David Hasselhoff’s more “dramatic” style of acting.  (Indeed, there’s a part of me that thinks this series would have lasted longer if it had dropped the Baywatch connection and instead focused on Angie Harmon solving mysteries and battling ghosts, goblins, and ghouls.)  Baywatch Nights seemed to really hit its stride with this episode.

Next week, Mitch and Ryan travel into the past!

The Films of 2024: The Mummy Murders (dir by Colin Bressler)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Alexis (Leila Anastasia Scott) is a San Antonio news reporter who, while sitting in a small cafe, is approached by a man named Joe (Jason Scarbrough).

At first, Joe just seems like an appreciative fan of Alexis’s reporting, albeit a bit of creepy and pushy one.  But it’s only after Joe sits down, removes his glasses, and starts to speak about his life to Alexis that the truth becomes apparent.  Joe says that he’s the serial killer who has been terrorizing San Antonio for the past few months.  His trademark is that he mummifies the bodies of his victims.  At first skeptical and then increasingly disturbed, Alexis listens as Joe calmly discusses his life, from his childhood as the son of a mortician to his time in the Army, to his current life as a killer.  As the conversation continues, it becomes apparent that Joe has a connection to Alexis and her family.

First released on January 2nd (and therefore, the first film of 2024), The Mummy Murders is a low-budget serial killer film that was filmed on location in San Antonio.  I have to admit that I’m a bit weary of serial killer films, just because there have been so many of them that they can sometimes feel rather interchangeable.  There’s only so many times you can sit through someone giving a long-winded explanation of their motives and their techniques before you start to wonder what the point of it all truly is.  Personally, I am of the opinion that Lars Von Trier pushed the serial killer genre to its logical conclusion with The House That Jack Built.  Matt Dillon plunging into the abyss was not only a fitting end for his character but also a sign that we had learned just about everything that there was to learn about what makes a serial killer tick.  There’s nothing left to discover.

That said, when taken on its own terms, The Mummy Murders is effectively creepy.  Again, it’s an extremely low budget movie and, towards the end of the film, the boom mic makes a presumably uninvited appearance.  There’s some holes in the film’s plot and I took issue with a lot of the choices that Alexis made throughout the film.  But Jason Scarbrough gives an effectively unhinged performance as Joe and the film deserves a lot of credit for not trying to make him into some sort of erudite, witty Hannibal Lecter-style murderer.  Instead, Joe is a believable creep who takes pride in his crimes because they’re the only thing for which he’s ever shown any ability.  Joe looks at both Alexis and the audience with a thousand-yard state, leaving little doubt that there’s zero room for kindness or empathy in Joe’s death-obsessed mind.  In an especially creepy moment, Joe talks about his excitement when, as a pre-teen, he discovered that the body of a girl on whom he had a crush had been brought to his father’s mortuary.  It’s icky and it’s creepy but it’s probably a more realistic portrayal of the killer’s sick mindset than what is found in most films.

As a final note, The Mummy Murders was shot on location in San Antonio.  San Antonio’s a lovely city.  More films should shoot down there.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.2 “The Devil and Mr. Roarke/Ziegfeld Girls/Kid Corey Rides Again”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion, YouTube, Plex, and a host of other sites.

This week is a busy one as Mr. Roarke deals with several guests, a new assistant …. AND THE DEVIL!

Episode 5.2 “The Devil and Mr. Roarke/Ziegfeld Girls/Kid Corey Rides Again”

(Dir by Don Chaffey, originally aired on October 17th, 1981)

The plane lands at the Island, carrying four people in search of a fantasy.  Waiting to greet them are Mr. Roarke, Tattoo, and Julie.  After being told that she wasn’t ready to greet the guests last week, Julie has finally been promoted.  And if you thought that Mr. Roarke and Tattoo occasionally had an awkward chemistry, it’s nothing compared to how awkward things feel with a third person cheerfully taking part in their conversations.  Wendy Schaal is likable enough as Julie but it’s hard to understand why, in-universe, the character is there.

As for our guests, Joan (Barbi Benton in old-age makeup) and Rubi (Audrey Landers, in even more old-age makeup) are former Ziegfeld girls who want to relive their youth.  Joan’s niece, Billie (Betty Kennedy), is appearing in a Ziegfeld-style revue that is being directed by Carl Wagner (Dack Rambo).  Mr.  Roarke agree to make Rubi and Joan young again, with the understanding that it will only be for the weekend and that they can’t tell anyone about their fantasy while they’re experiencing it.  The women agree and are overjoyed when they are transformed into their younger selves.  (I’m going to guess that Benton and Landers were probably even happier to ditch the old age makeup.)  Rubi promptly decides to steal Carl away from Billie.  Joan is shocked by Rubi’s behavior and she has to decide whether to allow her friend to live her fantasy or to tell the truth about what she and Rubi are doing on the island.

Also going into the past is a meek shoe salesman named Ned Plummer (Arte Johnson).  Ned wants to go back to the old west so that he can meet his hero, outlaw Kid Corey.  Corey is famous for disappearing after pulling off a million dollar robbery.  Ned even has an old picture of Corey in which Corey possesses a definite resemblance to Ned himself.  Mr. Roarke warns Ned that, when he goes to the past, the bullets will be real and he won’t be able to return to the present until his fantasy is over.  Given a magic horse, Ned rides into the past and promptly meets Kid Corey (Jack Elam).

It turns out that Kid Corey doesn’t look like Ned.  It also turns out that Kid Corey is not the Robin Hood-type figure that he was made out to be in the history books.  Kid Corey isn’t even a Kid!  He’s an irascible old man who doesn’t lift a finger when Ned is arrested by Sheriff Matt (Cameron Mitchell, naturally enough), taken to jail, and sentenced to hang.  Oh no!  It sound like it’s time for Mr. Roarke to save Ned, right?  Well, Mr. Roarke is busy with another situation so it’s Tattoo who shows up in Ned’s fantasy and, oddly, Tattoo doesn’t seem to be that worried about Ned getting executed.  Maybe Tattoo is planning on blaming it all on Julie.  (That said, it is nice to see Tattoo get to do something more than just as Mr. Roarke questions.  In this episode, Herve Villechaize seems to be enjoying the chance to show off his snarky side.)

What is occupying Mr. Roarke’s attention?  Well, Satan (Roddy McDowall) has returned to the Island.  He claims that he’s just looking for a relaxing weekend but it soon becomes obvious that, once again, he wants Roarke’s soul.  Mr. Roarke warns Julie to be careful what she says around the Devil.  So, of course, Julie promptly offers to give away her soul.

Now, in Julie’s defense, she was trying to save a guest who was drowning in quicksand and what she said is that she would do anything to save the guest’s life.  Satan hears and saves the guest in return for Julie giving him her soul at midnight.  Still, I have to wonder why Julie hadn’t been previously trained on how to pull someone out of quicksand.  I mean, if she’s ready to meet the guests then I would think that Roarke would have given her quicksand training.  That really seems like the first thing that someone should learn when they start working on Fantasy Island.

(For that matter, why is there so much quicksand on a resort!?)

Satan — surprise! — is willing to call off his deal with Julie in return for Roarke giving up his soul at midnight.  Roarke agrees but then he tricks Satan by singing a contract transferring possession of his soul to Julie.  Since Roarke’s soul is now Julie’s, Roarke can’t get give it away.  Because the overly cocky Satan spends too much time gloating and then gets upset over being conned, he loses track of time and the midnight hour passes without Satan taking anyone’s souls.

(I’m not sure if any of this would hold up in court but, to be honest, I don’t really know much about contract law.)

With three stories and a new sidekick to introduce, this was a very busy episode.  The Ziegfeld and the Old West fantasies were nicely done.  The Ziegfeld costumes were to die for and Jack Elam was memorably uncouth in the role of Kid Corey.  That said, as you can probably guess, the main attraction here is Roddy McDowall hamming it up as the Devil.  He and Montalban both seem to be having a lot of fun in this episode and their confrontation is entertaining to watch.  I wish Julie hadn’t been portrayed as being such a naive fool but still, this was an enjoyable weekend on the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.5 “Neighborhood Watch”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Ponch and Baker abandon the highways and keep watch over a neighborhood.

Episode 2.5 “Neighborhood Watch”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on October 14th, 1978)

After a series of near-accidents and speeding violations occur in an upper class neighborhood, Getraer decides to take his people off the highways and instead assign then to keep an eye on one residential street.  Ponch is happy because it means he gets to sit on his bike and watch all of the women who jog throughout the day.  Baker is happy for presumably the same reason, though he’s noticeably less obvious about it than Ponch.  To be honest, I’m surprised that Ponch hasn’t been in more accidents because he can never keep his eyes on the road.

Unfortunately, even a quiet neighborhood street has its problems.  Gerald Billings (Stephen Young) is struggling, with both his marriage and with his attempts to find a new job.  The first time that Baker pulls him over, it’s because Gerald is speeding and shaving in his car.  The second time, it’s because Gerald is driving drunk after finding out that he has been turned down for yet another job.  It’s after the second arrest that Gerald files a formal complaint against Baker.

What’s interesting is that this is the same thing that often happens to Ponch but Getraer is instantly sympathetic to Baker whereas he’s never that way when it comes to anyone trying to get Ponch in trouble.  Indeed, Getraer often comes across as if he can’t wait for the day when he’ll have an excuse to fire Ponch.  Don’t get me wrong.  Ponch is pretty obnoxious and his behavior while on the job is often rather gauche.  But it’s still pretty obvious that, for all of Ponch’s flaws, the tension between him and Getraer is personal in nature.  Getraer just doesn’t like him.

As for Baker, he gets off the hook when he arrests Gerald a third time.  After a drunk Gerald accidentally runs over a pedestrian and crashes his car, Gerald takes off on foot.  Baker catches him and it’s pretty obvious that Gerald’s going to be heading off to jail.  His complaint will be forgotten.  Even if Gerald wasn’t going to jail, I’m sure Getraer would have pulled some string for his favorite motorcycle cop.

This episode’s other plotline revolved around some mischievous kids who had too much free time on their hands and almost always seemed to be doing something reckless on their skateboards.  The most prominent of them was Brian (played by Robbie Rist, who previously gained infamy as Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch).  Brian even buzzed Ponch and Jon with a model airplane.  Realizing the kids weren’t really that bad, Ponch took them to a skate park and showed off a few of his own skateboard moves.  Let’s just say that Erik Estrada was no Tony Hawk.

This episode was kind of boring.  I get that the episode was showing that the Highway Patrol does good work even off the highways but the highway — and more importantly, the chance to see a fast-paced chase or a spectacular crash on the highway — is the main reason anyone would have for watching this show.  Taking Ponch and Baker off the highway just feels wrong.  Hopefully, they’ll be back where they belong next week!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 2.15 “One Way Ticket”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, the Canadians are coming!

Episode 2.15 “One Way Ticket”

(Dir by Craig Bolotin, originally aired on January 24th, 1986)

This week’s episode of Miami Vice opens with one of the most unintentionally hilarious shots that I’ve ever seen.  The action starts at a fancy wedding.  The daughter of District Attorney Richard Langley (Jon DeVries) is getting married.  The cream and the crop of Miami society has turned out.  The camera pans over all of the formally dressed men and women until it finally comes to a stop on Sonny, wearing his white suit, a blue t-shirt, and no socks.  He’s attending the wedding Tubbs, who at least bothered to put on a dress shirt.

Seriously, Sonny …. it’s wedding!  Would it kill you to wear a tie or maybe put on socks to go to a wedding?  And, I know I bring this up every week, but how can Sonny continually convince every bad guy in Miami that he’s a drug dealer named Sonny Burnett when he’s doing stuff like attending the wedding of the District Attorney’s daughter?  Does he think that no one is going to notice that the drug dealer who always wears the same white suit looks and sounds exactly like the cop who is always wearing the same white suit?

That said, I guess it’s good that Sonny and Tubbs are the wedding because, during the reception, a coked-up assassin named Sagot (Lothaire Bluteau) pulls a gun and kills not only Langley but also two bridesmaids who happened to be standing close by.  Sagot manages to escape from the reception but, that night, Zito and Switek track him down to Miami’s hottest French Canadian nightclub, Le Lieu, and arrest him on possession charges.

Sagot is working for a French Canadian drug lord named Faber (Jean-Pierre Matte) and, as with all of Faber’s men, his attorney is Laurence Thurmond (John Heard).  Thurmond was a good friend of Langley’s and it’s obvious from the start that he’s not comfortable with the idea of defending the men who killed him.  Thurmond and Crockett also have a long history together.  Crockett blames Thurmond for getting a case dismissed against someone who shot one of Crockett’s partners, though it sounds like Thurmond was just doing his job and Crockett is actually to blame for not following proper procedure while making his arrest.  (Seriously, due process may be a pain in the ass but Sonny has no excuse for not knowing what’s going to happen when he violates it.)  Crockett continually demands to know how Thurmond can live with himself.  Thurmond, who likes to fly a private plane in his spare time, says that it’s not easy.  Then again, Thurmond can afford his own airplane and a wedding suit so, even if it is difficult to live with himself, at least he’s living well.  (And again, Sonny may not like it but everyone has the right to an attorney.  Again, if you’re sloppy enough to not read someone their rights or to search someone’s house without probable cause, that’s on you and not on the person who pointed it out.)

As much as Crockett would love to spend all of his time harassing Thurmond, he has a case to solve.  He wants to get revenge for Langley’s death.  He also wants to figure out who keeps sending him anonymous tips that are full of information that presumably only a defense attorney would know….

Lothaire Bluteau’s makes for a memorably unhinged villain and all of the evil French Canadians made for a nice change of pace from the show’s usual rogue’s gallery.  That said, this episode was pretty much dominated by John Heard, playing the type of role that he played best.  Heard’s morally conflicted attorney has a lot in common with the morally conflicted police detective that he later played on The Sopranos and Heard’s melancholy performance was a nice contrast to Don Johnson’s intensity.  Full of twists and turns, this episode ended on a perfect note.  In the end, Crockett may still not like Thurmond but he finally understands him.

May Positivity: New Hope (dir by Rodney Ray)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2012 film, New Hope, is narrated by Michael Evans (Samuel Davis).

Michael is a seventeen year-old preacher’s kid whose father, Alex (Will Schwab), has just gotten a job in the small town of New Hope.  As a result, Michael has to move in the middle of his senior year.  (Yikes, not fun!)  He’s not happy about that and, to make things even worse, Michael’s father has talked the high school basketball coach, Tom Miller (Reg Rob), into putting Michael on the team.

(Is it normal for coaches to put someone on a team without having them first try out?  The basketball team is in the playoffs, after all.)

Michael tries to explain to Coach Miller that he’s not that good of a basketball player.  Coach Miller replies that he doesn’t really care whether or not Michael is a good player.  Instead, he wants Michael on the team so that Michael can be a role model for the younger players.  Coach Miller assumes that, as a preacher’s kid, Michael will automatically be a good influence.

Uhmm …. has the coach ever met any preacher’s kids before?

Seriously, I live in Texas and, when I was growing up, my family moved all over the Southwest.  I have known a lot of preacher’s kids and, for the most part, almost all of them were wild.  Even the ones who were religious and planning on going into the family business were wild.  When you’re a teenager, your natural instinct is to rebel against whatever it is that your parents are about and, as a result, preacher’s kids usually have a lot to rebel against.  There’s a reason why everyone automatically understands what that Sweet Talkin’ Son Of A Preacher Man song is about.

And even if Michael isn’t wild (and, because this is a faith-based film, Michael is a surprisingly well-behaved high school student), how is it fair to tell anyone that they have to be a role model for a bunch of people that they barely know?  Michael’s only been a student at his new school for a day.

Michael quickly finds himself in conflict with the team’s star player, Lucas Green (Ben Davies, giving the closest thing that the film has to a good performance).  Lucas’s brother also played for the team until he committed suicide.  Lucas, with his unresolved issues of anger, feels that Michael tying to take his brother’s place.  Lucas gets even angrier when Michael starts to date his dead brother’s girlfriend, Jasmine (Perry Frost).  Meanwhile, Michael’s parents get upset when they discover a condom wrapper in his jacket.  Oh, you silly parents!  Michael isn’t a typical preacher’s kid.  The only reason he took the condom out of the wrapper was so he could throw it away.

(Seriously, Lucas seems more like a preacher’s kid than Michael.)

There’s a whole genre of faith-based films that use sports as a metaphor for having faith and not questioning authority figures and New Hope is definitely a part of that genre.  Michael has no real desire to be on the basketball team but both his father and his coach want him on the team so Michael goes with it.  It’s hard not to feel that Michael really needs to stand up for himself.  The film is all a bit too long (the film clocks in at over two hours) and unrealistic.  It’s a film that tries to tackle all of the important issues of growing up but it does so in far too ham-fisted a manner.  Personally, I think Michael should have quit the team, bought a beret and a pack of Clove cigarettes, and taken a creative writing class.  He would have been much happier and no one would have expected him to be a role model.  There’s nothing wrong with trying different things and making your own decisions.  There’s nothing wrong with being a rebel.  That’s what being a teenager is supposed to be all about.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi Junior High 3.5 “Loves Me, Loves Me Not”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week’s episode broke my heart.

Episode 3.5 “Loves Me, Loves Me Not”

(Dir by John Bertram, originally aired on November 28th, 1988)

Oh my God, this episode!  This episode had me cringing with second-hand pain.  As you can probably guess from the title, this week’s episode is all about crushes and we all know how painful a middle school crush can be.  Still, even with all that knowledge, nothing prepared me for the pain of this episode….

Of the three main storylines, the simplest features Yick noticing that Arthur’s cousin, Dorothy, keeps staring at him.  Arthur looks away from the business page long enough to tell Yick that Dorothy has a crush on him and goes on to explain that Dorothy is strange.  Yick looks concerned.

Meanwhile, Michelle has developed a crush on BLT (Dayo Ade).  Michelle goes to Alexa for advice because Alexa has been dating Simon for nearly a year and that makes Alexa and Simon the most stable couple at Degrassi.  Alexa suggests that Michelle come hang out with her, Simon, and BLT.  Michelle agrees but it turns out that BLT would rather talk to Alexa.  Alexa tells Michelle that Michelle doesn’t really have much in common with BLT.  In fact, Alexa seems to really like BLT, despite the fact that she’s dating Simon.  Simon, as usual, seems to be a bit confused by the whole thing.

Finally, Caitlin has a crush on Joey.  Both Caitlin and Joey are students in Mr. Raditch’s class.  Caitlin, who now has the blonde streak in her hair that would be her trademark for the rest of the original Degrassi series, is the best student in the class.  Joey, who is repeating the 8th Grade, is still struggling.  Caitlin has such a crush on Joey that she even buys the Zit Remedy demo tape and starts listening to Everybody Wants Something over and over again.

When Mr. Raditch assigns the class to watch and review a movie, Caitlin asks Joey to be her partner.  Joey is totally excited because Caitlin is smart and Joey feels that he’s dumb.  Caitlin and Joey go to see Teen Academy 4.  (Apparently, Teen Academy is a forerunner to the Clown Academy films that everyone was always going to see in Degrassi: The Next Generation).  Joey thinks the film was funny.  Caitlin thinks the film was sexist.  For their presentation, they both give their own opinion and playfully debate the merits of the film.  Awww, what a cute couple!  And hey, the school dance is coming up!

For the dance, Caitlin — who says she’s never had a boyfriend or been on a date before, which I’m sure would be news to Rick Munro — gets a pretty black dress and gets all made yo.  She arrives shortly before Joey.  When Joey walks into the gym, he walks over to Caitlin, smiles, and says, “Hey, Caitlin, have you seen Liz?”

AGCK!

SERIOUSLY, THE PAIN!

JOEY!!! — Liz doesn’t even like you!

When we next see Caitlin, she’s crying, wiping her makeup, and throwing away her demo tape.  Poor Caitlin!  I mean, if you’ve watched Degrassi — The Next Generation, you know that Joey and Caitlin are eventually going to get back together (they’re actually going to get back together several times), but it’s still painful to watch her face when she realizes that Joey is still interested in Liz.  My heart broke for her.  I mean, Caitlin’s hair is a hundred times prettier than Liz’s!  There’s no way Liz could pull off a blonde streak.

The next day, an oblivious Joey is surprised to discover that Caitlin is upset with him and no longer wants to help him out with his classes.  “I thought you liked me,” Joey says, right before the end credits roll.  (To be clear, clueless Joey means “like” as in friendship.)  Poor Caitlin.  I can see where this is probably going to lead, with Caitlin doing Joey’s homework while Joey asks for advice about Liz.

This was a powerful episode, one that I think anyone could relate to.  Pat Mastroianni and Stacie Mistysyn both gave strong and likable performances and the show deserves a lot credit for realistically portraying their relationship.  I think everyone has been Caitlin at some point in their life.  Don’t worry, Caitlin — it’s going to get better!

The Films of 2024: Rebel Moon Part 2 — The Scargiver (dir by Zack Snyder)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

In some other galaxy, a bunch of annoying farmers are living on the moon of Veldt.  The evil army of the Motherworld, led by Atticus Noble (Ed Skrein), wants to conquer the moon and steal all of the grain for themselves.  A bunch of rebels — including a long-winded former general named Titus (Djimon Hounsou) and painfully dull former solider of the evil empire named Kora (Sofia Boutella) — are on the moon and help the farmers prepare for battle.  And then the battle happens and the movie ends and somehow, it takes more than two hours to tell this extremely thin story.

Admittedly, I have not seen the first Rebel Moon but I doubt it makes much of a difference.  I’ve seen enough science fiction movies and enough Zack Snyder films that I feel like I can follow this sequel without having seen the first film.  In fact, the only question that I have as a result of not seeing the first film is whether the absolutely ludicrous flashback to Kora’s past was lifted from the first film or was it specifically shot for the sequel?  The flashback reveals that Kora became a rebel after her mentor attempted to frame her for the murder of a good space emperor and his family. I have to admit that the overwrought, slow motion-heavy flashback did inspire a few chuckles on my part.  There was an orchestra playing in the background of the scene and they continued to play, even while the emperor and his family were being murdered.  You have to wonder just what exactly the musicians were thinking while all of that was going on.

As for Rebel Moon Part Two, it has some nice visuals but the story is a mess and there are some moments that simply leave you wondering whether to laugh or sigh with frustration.  There’s the fact that the fearsome imperial spaceships are apparently fueled by men shoveling coal into a furnace.  There’s the fact that fearsome imperial space laser gun takes forever to aim and fire, presumably to give the rebels time to sabotage the ship.  (That seems like a pretty big design flaw.)  There’s the fact that the evil empire turns out to be so inept that it’s hard to feel like the farmers really needed to spend as much time training as they did.  By the end of the film, I felt like I probably could have beaten up the evil empire single-handedly.  They just weren’t that impressive.

The main problem is that the farmers were kind of annoying and, even when they finally did fight the evil empire, it was still hard to feel that they still didn’t have any control over their own fate.  First, they were being ordered around the bad guys.  Then, they were being ordered around by Titus and the rebels.  Titus, himself, is one of those annoying characters who can’t ever say anything without turning it into a speech.  On the one hand, Titus insists that the farmers don’t have much time to get ready.  On the other hand, Titus continually wants to waste what little time they have by giving a monologue.  Kora, meanwhile, rarely speaks.  This has less to do with her being a strong, silent warrior and instead it’s all about her not really having much of a personality.

The majority of the film’s runtime is taken up with the battle and it’s hard not to notice that for all of the explosions and presumed death, most of the main characters somehow manage to survive.  It left me thinking about we were supposed to celebrate the survival of the Daily Planet staff at the end of Man of Steel, despite the fact that thousands of others undoubtedly died while Superman and General Zod were ripping apart Metropolis.

To be clear, there are quite a few Zack Snyder films that I really do like.  I am not, by any means, an anti-Snyder person.  I thought Sucker Punch was a masterpiece.  I admire and respect what he did with Watchmen.  I’m not a fan of his work with the DCEU but then again, with the exception of the first Wonder Woman, I’m not really a fan of anyone’s work with the DCEU.  The important thing is that I think that, with the right material, Zack Snyder can be brilliant and I love the fact that, even in his lesser films, he still goes all out to bring his vision to life.  As a director, Snyder is not scared to go over-the-top with sweeping, dramatic moments.  He’s someone who understands that movies — especially action films — should be big.  But Rebel Moon 2 never really works.  If anything, it sometimes feels like Snyder on auto pilot.  I’ll always be willing to take a chance of Zack Snyder but I hope that doesn’t mean having to watch Rebel Moon 3.

Retro Television Review: Broken Angel (dir by Richard T. Heffron)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1988’s Broken Angel!  It  can be viewed on YouTube.

Chuck Coburn (William Shatner) has a nice house in the suburbs, a nice job, a nice car, and a nice Bruins jacket.  He’s hoping that he can once against have a nice marriage with his wife (Susan Blakely), despite the fact that she cheated on him and she still thinks that he spends too much time at work.

Chuck is proud of his teenage daughter, Jaime (Erika Eleniak).  Jaime seems like the perfect suburban and angelic teenager.  But then Jaime goes to prom and her best friend, Jenny (Amy Lynne), is gunned down in front of her.  Jaime runs from the scene and vanishes.  As Chuck searches for his daughter, he is stunned discover that Jaime, Jenny, and their boyfriends were all a part of a gang!  His perfect daughter was smoking weed, doing cocaine, selling crack, and taking part in rumbles with a rival Asian gang.  Even worse, Jaime’s gang was called …. LFN!

LFN?  That stands for Live For Now.  The Live For Now Gang.  Whenever we see the members of the gang preparing to get into a fight with another gang, they all chant, “LFN!  LFN!”  LFN is a gang of white suburban teenagers and they look just as dorky as they sound.  I mean, I think it would be bad enough to discover that your child is in a gang but discovering they were in a dorky gang would probably make it even worse.

The majority of Broken Angel is made up of scenes of Chuck searching the mean streets of Los Angeles.  He partners with a social worker (Roxann Dawson) who is herself a former gang member.  Chuck discovers that his daughter’s street name was — *snicker* — Shadow.  He also befriend a member of the LFN’s rival Asian gang and tries to encourage her to go straight.  This leads to scene in which he is attacked by Al Leong.  Somehow, middle-aged William Shatner manages to beat up Al Leong.  That, in itself, is worth the cost of admission.

Broken Angel deals with a serious issue but it does so in such an overwrought and melodramatic fashion that most viewers will be moved not to tears but to laughter.  In Broken Angel, William Shatner gave the type of overly dramatic and self-serious performance that he routinely pokes fun at today.  If you’re one of those people who enjoys listening as Shatner emphasize random syllables and takes meaningly pauses, this movie will give you a lot to enjoy.  In every scene, Shatner seems to be saying, “Notice me, Emmy voters!  Notice me!”  Of course, it wouldn’t be until Shatner learned how to laugh at himself that the Emmy voters would finally notice him.

The film ends on an abrupt note but with the promise of better days ahead.  Just remember — keep an eye out for the LFN!