Dance Scenes That I Love: Simon Zealotes/Poor Jerusalem from Jesus Christ Superstar

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, Arleigh and Pantsukudasai have left town to attend the Anime Expo and I find myself momentarily alone here at the TSL Bunker, curled up on the couch in my beloved Pirates t-shirt and Hello Kitty panties, and cursing my asthma. As I lay here, it occurs to me that it’s been a while since I’ve shared a “scene that I love” here on the site. So, why not rectify that situation now?

Norman Jewison’s 1972 film version of Jesus Christ Superstar is a film that I’ve been meaning to review for a while but for now, I just want to share my favorite scene from that film, the performance of Simon Zealotes/Poor Jerusalem.

There’s several reasons I love that scene but mostly it just comes down to the fact that it captures the explosive energy that comes from watching a live performance. Larry Marshall (who plays Simon Zealotes) has one of the most fascinating faces that I’ve ever seen in film and when he sings, he sings as if the fate of the entire world depends on it. That said, I’ve never been sold on Ted Neely’s performance as Jesus but Carl Anderson burns with charisma in the role of Judas.

Mostly, however, I just love the choreography and watching the dancers. I guess that’s not that surprising considering just how important dance was (and still is, even if I’m now just dancing for fun) in my life but, to be honest, I’m probably one of the most hyper critical people out there when it comes to dance in film, regarding both the the way that it’s often choreographed and usually filmed. But this scene is probably about as close to perfect in both regards as I’ve ever seen. It goes beyond the fact that the dancers obviously have a lot of energy and enthusiasm and that they all look good while dancing. The great thing about the choreography in this scene is that it all feels so spontaneous. There’s less emphasis on technical perfection and more emphasis on capturing emotion and thought through movement. What I love is that the number is choreographed to make it appear as if not all of the dancers in this scene are on the exact same beat. Some of them appear to come in a second or two late, which is something that would have made a lot of my former teachers and choreographers scream and curse because, far too often, people become so obsessed with technical perfection that they forget that passion is just as important as perfect technique. (I’m biased, of course, because I’ve always been more passionate than perfect.) The dancers in this scene have a lot of passion and it’s thrilling to watch.

A Warning From The Past: The Road To Ruin

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Good Morning! It’s Thursday and we all know what that means. The weekend is approaching and that means that all the usual temptations of the weekend are approaching as well. These temptations include drinking, smoking, dancing, premarital sex, prostitution, and near incest.

These are the temptations that are dealt with in the 1934 film The Road To Ruin.

Do you have an hour to spare?

If so, consider watching this film (a personal favorite of mine) and learning from the mistakes of Ann Dixon…

Here’s a few interesting facts about The Road To Ruin:

The Road To Ruin is a prototypical example of the first independent films. Films like this one dealt with “social problems.” Typically, they would be about an “innocent” who would be led astray for 55 minutes before spending the last 10 minutes of the film either repenting or suffering the consequences of their actions.
Since these films were shot outside of the Hollywood establishment, they were also “free” to show things that studio films wouldn’t even hint at. By today’s standards they may seem “tame” but for the 1930s, they were considered to be quite scandalous.
This film is an almost shot-for-shot remake of a silent film that was also called The Road To Ruin. The first Road to Ruin was the top-grossing film of 1928 and was directed by Norton Parker. Helen Foster played the lead role in both versions of the film.
According to the opening credits of the 1934 Road to Ruin, the remake was directed by Melville Shyer and “Mrs. Wallace Reid.” Mrs. Wallace Reid was actually Dorothy Davenport, a former silent film starlet. After her husband — the actor Wallace Reid — died of a drug overdose in 1923, Davenport directed several “social problem” films as Mrs. Wallace Reid.
Despite the fact that this film is, technically, quite primitive, I love it for several reasons. The historian side of me loves that the film basically serves as a time capsule, preserving the society and the attitudes that produced it.
The film lover in me loves just how melodramatic this film is. Seriously, I love how smoking cigarettes and sneaking a drink always serve to pave the road to Hell in films like this one. It’s interesting to contrast a film like this with modern-day anti-drug propaganda.
Finally, as a lover of exploitation films both new and old, I love how this film shows off everything that it’s claiming to condemn.

Review: True Blood S5E3 — Whatever I am, You Made Me

Posted on June 24, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last week on True Blood…

After being captured and tortured by the Authority, Bill (Stephen Moyer) and Eric (Alexader Skarsgard) were on the verge of being executed by Roman (Chris Meloni) until Bill revealed that not only was Russell (Denis O’Hare) not killed but that he was now missing. Meanwhile, in Bon Temps, a newly vampiric Tara (Rutina Wesley) fled into the dark night while Sookie (Anna Paquin) and Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) watched helplessly.

This week on True Blood…

The majority of tonight’s episode was dominated by Tara and Rutina Wesley’s wonderfully angry performance. We opened with Tara wandering through the night, searching for blood and nearly sucking it out of the first unfortuante stranded motorist that she comes across. (“I got no problem with vampires!” the poor motorist protests.) Eventually, Tara ends up locked up in Sam’s walk-in freezer where she has dreams about attacking Arlene. (Like a lot of people, I went: “Oh. My. God” at this scene until it became apparent that Tara was just having a dream.) Eventually, Tara manages to get out of the freezer and, quite cleverly, breaks into a tanning salon so that she can expose herself to some UV rays. I guess that’s one way to express your self-loathing.

The main reason that Tara’s having a hard time adjusting is because she’s been abandoned by her maker, Pam (Kristen Bauer Von Straten, who brings such life to the undead), who refuses to have anything to do with Tara. For me, the highlight of tonight’s episode was seeing the continuation of the flashbacks to Pam’s origin. In this episode we got to see how, in 1905 San Francisco, Pam went to rather extreme lengths to convince Eric to turn her. Even better, we also got to see how Eric and Bill first met in Pam’s brothel.

Speaking of Eric and Bill, they’re still being housed over at the Authority headquarters. They’ve convinced Roman to release them so that they can track down Russell but Nora (Lucy Griffiths) is still being held prisoner and, while being tortured, she admits to being opposed to “mainstreaming.” Both Bill and Eric are seduced by Salome and there’s a great scene towards the end of this episode where they compare notes in an elevator. (Seriously, the vampire bromance between these two is always fun to watch and Moyer and Skarsgard always appear to be having fun acting opposite each other.) Of course, it turns out that Salome’s apparently working for Roman and was testing Bill and Eric’s loyalty.

Or was she? To be honest, I have a feeling that Salome has an agenda of her own…

The Rev. Newlin (Michael McMillan) also shows up in this episode. Apparently, the reason he’s been on TV so much is because he’s groomed by Roman to be the new face of vampire-human coexistence. Showrunner Alan Ball has been very open about the political subtext of True Blood in general and season 5 in particular and that subtext was pretty obvious in Meloni and McMillan’s scenes tonight.

Usually, I’m not a huge fan of obvious subtext for the simple reason that it’s often … well, way too obvious. In the past, I have to admit, I’ve felt that Ball — like most writers — is at his weakest when he’s hammering home a point. (That’s why I’m wary of this season’s subplot about Terry’s service in Iraq.) However, tonight, I thought that Meloni and McMillan both saved what could have been a rather heavy-handed scene. Both of them brought just enough of a hint of perversity to their lines to keep the scene interesting. Between Meloni’s barely suppressed rage and McMillan’s nervously insincere smile, their conversation was a lot of fun to watch.

But that’s not all that happened tonight!

Sookie finally confessed to Alcide that she killed Debbie. Lafayette was briefly tempted to serve poisoned gumbo and it appears that he might be posessed. And Jason met a woman in the super market which, of course, meant that he ended up getting laid. That woman, incidentally, was a former teacher and lover of Jason’s and promptly after re-seducing her, Jason apparently had such a change of heart that he was even able to resist Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) when she came calling later on that night.

To be honest, I wasn’t as big a fan of this episode as I was of Turn! Turn! Turn! and Authority Always Wins. Don’t get me wrong. Whatever I am, You Made Me had plenty of good moments and the script was full of the type of snarky one-liners that I’ll be repeating for weeks to come. Overall, however, tonight’s episode felt a little bit off, just a tad bit uneven. The final fourth of the show was genuinely exciting but the scenes leading up to it often seemed to alternate between playing out either too slowly or too quickly. I’m looking forward to next week’s episode and I can’t wait to see how season 5 plays out but tonight’s episode was just okay for me.

Random Thoughts and Observations:

Whenever I watch a new episode of True Blood, I always grab a notebook and I jot down what happened in each scene. I did this even before I started reviewing the show because 1) it was often the only way that I could actually keep track of what was going on and 2) I’m an obsessive list maker. Anyway, by my very unofficial count, tonight’s episode had a total of 33 separate scenes.
For scene number 6, I simply wrote down “Skarsgard shirtless.” Just in case there was any doubt where my mind usually is while watching True Blood…
How cool is it that Salome is the actual Salome?
I thought the scenes at the beginning of this episode, where Tara was on the prowl, were very well-directed and did a good job at capturing the disorienting nature of Tara’s new existence.
Much like last week, I continued to be impressed with the set design of the Authority’s headquarters and the contrast between the baroque upper level and the rather shabby lower levels. If nothing else, it provided a perfect reminder of the corruption that often lurks behind the benevolent facade of most authorities (including, it would appear, the Authority).
Most effective “Oh my God!” moment: Lafayette pouring bleach into the gumbo. I have to admit that, after watching Arachnoquake last night, I was hoping Lafayette would shout out, “Now that’s how you make jambalaya!”
After last week’s rather grim outing, this episode featured several laugh-out-loud lines:
“Can I hug you without you thinking about my boobs?” This was my favorite line in this episode, if just because I’ve often been tempted to say the same thing.
“And right now, I’m fuck buddies with the love of my best friend’s life. Who’s a teenage vampire.”
“These beans are as cold as titties in a brass bra.”
“My dick starts shouting, ‘Just shut up and fuck her!'” At least Jason is honest.
“Go back to dry humping each other and buying my overpriced drinks or get the fuck out!”

Finally, I’ll close with a quick prediction: By the end of this season, Salome will try to engineer a coup in order to take out Roman and install either Bill or Eric in his place.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Arachnoquake (dir. by Griff Furst)

Posted on June 24, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Spoilers below.)

Last night, I watched yet another “original” movie on the SyFy network. This one was called Arachnoquake.

Why Was I Watching It?

First off, how do you not watch something called Arachnoquake? The title itself is just pure genius in that it not only tells you that the film is about spiders and earthquakes but it also lets you know ahead of time that this is a movie to have fun with.

Also, I was watching because I still have good memories of watching Jersey Shore Shark Attack earlier this month.

What’s It About?

So basically, there’s an earthquake in New Orleans and a bunch of gigantic, extremely venomous albino spiders are released out into the city and the bayou. However, these aren’t just your typical giant albino spiders. No, these are giant albino spiders that can breathe fire and walk on water. It’s kinda like Treme, just with more spiders and less Steve Zahn.

In fact, there’s no Steve Zahn in this film at all! However, there is Edward Furlong, playing a greasy-haired guy who is stuck driving a school bus with a bunch of female softball players on it. Meanwhile, Furlong’s asthmatic wife (Tracey Gold) is stuck on a trolley that’s being driven by a guy played by Bug Hall. And, best of all, there’s also a really badly tempered old guy named Gramps on the trolley as well. Gramps, sad to say, doesn’t stick around for too long but for the first 30 minutes of the film, he was all that we could talk about on twitter…

What Worked?

Listen, if you’re going to bitch and whine about narrative logic, cheap special effects, and silly dialogue while watching a movie like Arachnoquake, you’re kinda missing the whole point of the film. This is a movie that was made to inspire people to talk back to the TV. Arachnoquake doesn’t take itself all that seriously and neither should you. I mean, yes, the spiders looked faintly ludicrous when they showed up in the bayou, chasing after a motorboat. But I suspect that was kind of the point.

Arachnoquake is a film that was made to be viewed as part of a communal experience. I understand that they actually had viewing parties down in New Orleans and I would have loved to have been at one of them! (And I think I could have gotten all sorts of beads tossed at me as well…) However, I settled for live tweeting the film on twitter and that was so much fun! I got to talk to other people who were watching and enjoying the film and even better, the film’s director and some of the performers (especially Megan Adelle) joined in on the live tweet and actually responded to those of us who were talking about their film. Not all of the comments were positive (at one point, director Griff Furst responded to one online critic with, “Blow me.”) but it was still a lot of fun and, if anything, it showed that the filmmakers knew and appreciated their audience. Both the film and the whole communal viewing experience were a lot of fun!

Finally, I think just about everyone on twitter agreed that the highlight of the film was the character of Gramps (played by Grant James). SyFy films are full of cantankerous old men but few are quite as cantankerous as Gramps. We were all a little bit sad to see Gramps die about 30 minutes into the film. Personally, I’m hoping that he returns in a sequel and gets to utter the line, “When you get to Hell, tell ’em Gramps sent you…”

I also hope that the sequel is set during Mardi Gras.

What Did Not Work?

(Spoiler Alert. Seriously, no joke — massive spoiler ahead)

The character played by Tracy Gold spend almost the entire film having an asthma attack and, finally, during the final 15 minutes of the film, she dies as a result. I have to admit that bothered me a lot, both because I actually have asthma but also, and more importantly, because it just felt jarringly out-of-place in what had been, up to that point, a really fun B-movie.

Don’t get me wrong — it wouldn’t have bothered me if Gold had been killed as the result of being wrapped up in a spider web or something. That would have worked well with the tone of the rest of the film. But having her die as a result of not having her inhaler — it just hit too close to home for me and it was just so different in tone from the rest of the film that it briefly made it difficult for me to get back into the right B-movie mindset that’s necessary to truly enjoy a film like Arachnoquake.

“OH MY GOD! Just like me!” Moments

Well, obviously, I related to poor Tracey Gold and her asthma attack. But, beyond that, I could also relate to all the characters in the film because I hate the thought of being in an earthquake and I don’t care much for spider. Especially gigantic albino ones that breathe fire…

Lessons Learned

I will always double-check to make sure I have my inhaler before I leave the house. Also, if I ever find myself stranded in the country with a gigantic albino spider coming towards me, I hope some greasy-haired guy is there to beat it to death with a softball bat while screaming, “Now that’s how you make jambalaya!”

Lisa Marie Gets Brave (dir. by Mark Andrews)

Posted on June 23, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I want to make one thing very clear before I start this review:

I LOVED BRAVE!

Okay, now that that’s out of the way…

2011 was something of a disappointing year for me because it was the year that I discovered that the people at Pixar Studios are as fallible as any other filmmaker. Cars 2 was cute but, ultimately, rather forgettable and it was the first Pixar movie that failed to move me tears. Certainly, Cars 2 was not a terrible film but, when it comes to Pixar, moviegoers just naturally expect more and it was difficult to watch those expectations dashed.

Well, last night, I saw this year’s offering from Pixar, a little film called Brave. I’m happy to say that Pixar has redeemed itself from Cars 2. I loved Brave. It not only kept me entertained but it made me cry as well. In short, Brave is a film that earns its place in the Pixar library.

Set in a beautifully animated version of the Scottish highlands, Brave tells the story of Merida (voiced, quite brilliantly, by Kelly MacDonald), the red-haired daughter of King Fergus (Billy Connolly) and Queen Elinor (Emma Thompson). Merida takes after her extroverted, stubborn father and can’t understand why her refined mother isn’t as enthusiastic as Merida is about things like archery, hunting, and exploring the wilderness.

When Merida finds that, by tradition, she is to be married off to the first-born son of one of the kingdom’s three lords, she devises a plan to prove just how unfair this practice is to her. She announces that the winner of an Archery competition shall be her suitor, However, during the actual competition, Merida announces that she will compete “for her own hand” and proceeds to out-shoot all three of her moronic suitors. After an argument with an enraged Elinor, Merida flees the castle in tears.

Merida eventually meets a witch (voiced in perfect busy-body style by Julie Walters) who offers to cast a spell that will change Elinor. Merida impulsively agrees and then returns to the castle where Elinor is eventually transformed into a gigantic bear.

I have to admit that Brave nearly lost me when Elinor turned into that bear. Pixar’s trademark has always been that they make animated films that feel like live-action films and Elinor’s transformation felt almost too predictably cartoonish. However, as close as the film came to losing me at that moment, the important thing is that it didn’t. That’s due to both the impeccable animation (which managed to give the bear some very recognizable Elinor-like facial expressions) and the strength of Kelly MacDonald’s vocal performance, which brings a true sense of reality to a very unreal situation.

(Perhaps my favorite moment was when Merida hastily explained to her three younger brothers, “Mum’s turned into a bear but it’s not my fault!” That’s exactly the same thing I would have said if I had been responsible for turning my mom into a bear. And yes, I have to admit that as a stubborn redhead, I very much identified with Merida throughout the entire film.)

Merida and the Elinor Bear flee from the castle (and from King Fergus who doesn’t know that the bear is actually Elinor and who is known as the Bear-killer) and start to bond as Merida tries to find a way to turn Elinor back into a human being. It was here that Brave turned into a rather emotional experience for me and it didn’t take long for the tears to come. (What’s a Pixar film without plenty of tears?) So much of Brave hit home for me, from Merida’s desire to be independent to her complicated relationship with her mom and the fear and regret that she feels when she realizes that she might lose her mom forever. Like the best fairy tales, Brave uses a fantastic situation to tell a story about some very basic and simple human truths.

Whenever you review an animated film, there always seems to be one question that has to be answered: will boring old adults get as much out of the film as kids? Well, I know that I certainly enjoyed it but I’m not sure if I’m ready to admit to being an adult. The main thing to remember about Brave is that it’s not Toy Story 3 and it’s not Up. At the same time, it’s not Cars 2 either. Instead, it’s a heartfelt film for kids (and girls, especially) that won’t transform adults into bears.

Finally, I have to note that between Brave and the Hunger Games, 2012 is turning out to be a pretty good year for girl power. For once, we’re actually seeing films where girls can be heroes without being cast as either emotionally damaged refugees (like in the David Fincher version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) or as perpetual virgins just waiting for the right man to come along and give their life meaning (like in just about every other movie that comes out of Hollywood). This is a good trend and I hope it continues.

Review: True Blood (S5E1 — Turn! Turn! Turn!)

Posted on June 10, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Possible Spoilers Below)

Before I start my review of the premiere episode of the 5th season of True Blood, I should offer up a confession. I’ve enjoyed watching True Blood for a while now. I think Alexander Skarsgard is to die for, I think Anna Paquin’s an underrated actress, and I think that Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) and Jason (Ryan Kwanten) are a cute couple. I thought last season was brilliant and I thought that the finale especially was exciting and well-done.

That said, I’m hardly a True Blood expert and I’m not going to pretend that I am one. Like a lot of this show’s fans, I wasn’t there when the show first started. By the time I saw my first episode, True Blood was already into season 2 and I didn’t become a regular viewer until season 3. Since then, I’ve worked to get caught up on show’s first seasons but I’m hardly an expert. (Incidentally, I haven’t read the books either.) I’m a fan and that’s the approach that I’ll be bringing to my reviews this season.

Anyway, tonight’s episode starts right where season 4 ended: Tara (Rutina Wesley) is bleeding to death on the floor of Sookie’s (Anna Paquin) kitchen, as the result of being shot in the face by Debbie who was then shot and killed by Sookie. Lafayette (Nelson Ellis), who is still mourning his dead lover, comes downstairs and discovers the mess. Suddenly, Pam (Kristen Bauer Von Straten, who is hilariously scornful of everyone and everything in this episode) shows up searching for Eric. Lafayette asks Pam to turn Tara into a vampire. Pam is, at first, reluctant until Sookie says she’ll “owe you one” in return. I imagine that promise is something we’ll being hearing about a lot for the rest of this season. By the end of the episode, it appears that Tara has returned as a vampire and I get the feeling that she might not be too happy about that.

Speaking of new vampires, the thoroughly creepy Rev. Newlin (Michael McMillan) is back, he’s now a vampire, and he’s’ apparently in love with Jason Stackhouse (Ryan Kwanten). After he manages to trick Jason into letting him enter his house, Newlin explains: “I’m a gay vampire American…” Newlin explains this while he just happens to have Jason tied to a chair. The scene between Newlin and Jason were probably the most obviously politically-charged sequence in tonight’s episode, with Newlin seemingly standing in for such real-life homophobic bigots as Rev. Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church. Anyway, Newlin is chased off by Jessica who shows up to announce that “Jason is mine!”

So are Jessica and Jason back together all official-like now? Not quite. Jason later tracks Jessica down to an incredibly tacky frat party where Jessica explains to him that she just said that to scare off the Rev. Newlin. The whole party sequence was actually my favorite part of this episode. I loved the reminder that not everyone in Bon Temps is obsessed with the supernatural. Some people just want to drink beer and sing karaoke. Deborah Ann Woll, in particular, gave a good performance here and it was obvious that both she and the character she plays loved vamping it up.

But what about Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) and Bill (Stephen Moyer)? When last we saw, they were killing Nan (Jessica Tuck) and getting told off by Sookie. Tonight’s episode found Eric scrubbing away Nan’s remains while Bill called Jessica and told her that he would be going away for a few weeks. They detect the danger at Sookie’s house but Eric coldly dismisses it with, “Fuck Sookie.” Bill disagrees but even as they run out of the house, they are captured by the Authority. Fortunately, Eric’s sister Nora (Lucy Griffiths) works for the Authority and she rescues both of them. She and Eric then proceed to spend most of the rest of the episode having sex and uhmmm…Eric, that’s your sister. Eric tells Bill, “We fight like siblings but we fuck like champions.” Ewwwww.

Now, it’s a testament to the charisma and body of Alexander Skarsgard that, even when committing very graphic incest, he’s still the hottest thing ever to show up on HBO.

Anyway, Eric, Bill, and Nora meet up with some rebel vampires and are given false identities and appear to be on the verge of escaping when suddenly, the Authority’s goons show up and recapture them. I assume this is setting everything up for Chris Meloni to show up in the next episode.

But that’s not all that happened tonight! One of the things that I love about True Blood is that it’s never shied away from offering up as many plot complications as possible per episode. This is not a show that moves slowly and that was certainly true tonight.

It turns out that season 3’s main villain Russell (Denis O’Hare) isn’t dead and he’s not where he’s supposed to be. Meanwhile, Scott Foley is wandering around town acting enigmatic, Andy (Chris Bauer) is still proving himself to be a dumbass in general, and apparently there’s some sort of power struggle developing with the werewolves.

A Few Random Observations:

I have to admit, I’ve never been that interested in the werewolves. They’re just not as much fun as the vampires. That’s one of the few things that True Blood has in common with the Twilight series.
Best line of the episode comes from Pam: “I’m wearing a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for you all. If that’s not a demonstration of team spirit, I don’t know what is.” My twitter timeline literally exploded with people reacting to that line.
My second favorite line was Alcide’s “It smells clean. Like lemons on top of ammonia on top of bleach.”
If you’re like me and you mostly watch this show because you’re hoping for a chance to catch Alexander Skarsgard undressed, this episode did not disappoint.
This was a good episode for your Jessica lovers as well. One of my favorite parts of tonight’s episode was when she dismissed the Rev. Newlin by explaining that she’s older than him.
Chris Bauer continues to play the most realistic lawman on television.
As much as I love Alexander Skarsgard, Stephen Moyer had some great scenes tonight. His facial expressions while watching Nora and Eric were priceless.
I felt bad for Sookie during her little flashback scene.
The return of True Blood means a return of my effots to get my sister to allow me to dye her hair “Pacquin blonde.”
I hope Nora’s around for the rest of the season. Incest aside, she’s a great character and Lucy Griffiths gave a great performance tonight.
I was hoping that Russell would physically show up on tonight’s episode but I’m actually kind of glad that he didn’t. With everything else that was going on tonight, I’m glad that I have something to look forward to in the future.
Another thing I’m looking forward to: Chris Meloni as Roman. If anyone was born to play a vampire named Roman, it’s Chris Meloni.

So, over all, I think tonight’s episode was a good start for season 5 and I look forward to spending another 11 episodes in Bon Temps.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Jersey Shore Shark Attack (dir. by John Shepphird)

Posted on June 10, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Friday night, I saw Moonrise Kingdom. As our own Leon the Duke explained in his own review on this very site, Moonrise Kingdom is a thought-provoking, relentlessly quirky little film from Wes Anderson. It’s a film that makes you think and, as a result, come Saturday, I was in the mood to watch something that required absolutely no thought at all. Luckily, SyFy was willing to help me out by showing an original film called Jersey Shore Shark Attack.

Why Was I Watching It?

I’d been meaning to watch a SyFy film for a while, mostly because my friend Kelly Thul always provides the most interesting twitter commentary on them. When I saw that something called Jersey Shore Shark Attack was apparently playing on the channel, there was no way I couldn’t watch it. After all, my BFF Evelyn refers to me as L-Wowww. I used to call her Evooki but, after seeing Jersey Shore Shark Attack, her new name is Nooki.

What’s It About?

It’s holiday weekend on the Jersey Shore. Preppies are uncomfortably mingling with Guidos, Joey Fatone is scheduled to give a concert, and greedy mayor Paul Sorvino is greedily dreaming of the money that will be made. The only thing could ruin the holiday fun would be if a bunch of sharks suddenly showed up and decided to attack the Jersey shore.

Which is exactly what happens.

Fortunately, when the greedy Mayor refuses to close down the beach, there are a few Guidos who are willing to do the right thing. The Complication (Jeremy Luc) and his friends Paulie Balzac (Daniel Booko), Donnie (Joey Russo), J-Moni (Alex Mauriello), and BJ (Audi Resendiz) take it upon themselves to battle the sharks. However, the Complication’s ex, Nooki (Melissa Molinaro), has defiantly gone sailing with a bunch of preppies and now finds herself stranded at sea, surrounded by circling sharks…

What Worked?

A lot of people are probably online right now talking about how “stupid” and how “bad” this movie was but you know what? I loved it. This movie was a lot of fun and, like the best film parodies, it was very smart about being stupid. Let’s put it like this — if you’re criticizing this film for having silly dialogue, terrible special effects, and bad acting, you’re missing the point.

Add to that, the acting isn’t that bad. The film’s stars do a good job at capturing the “personas” of their Jersey Shore counterparts and I would even go so far as to compare this movie to the classic South Park episode “It’s a Jersey Thing.”

Plus, Tony Sirico’s in it and he gets to go all Robert Shaw and deliver a half-crazed monologue about shark attacks.

Plus, there’s a reporter who says things like, “Stay away from the pier, yo!”

Plus, Joey Fatone’s in it! And he gets eaten!

What’s not to love?

What Didn’t Work?

It all worked, dammit!

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I’m Italian (well, a fourth-Italian) and I don’t swim either. (Though I certainly don’t mind getting wet…)

Lessons Learned:

It’s a Jersey thing.

A Quickie With Lisa Marie: Men In Black 3 (dir. by Barry Sonnenfeld)

Posted on June 9, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Men In Black 3, which was released into theaters last month, is an unexpected surprise, a genuinely entertaining film that breathes some new life into an old franchise.

If you’ve seen the trailer then you pretty much know the plot of Men In Black 3. An alien war criminal named Boris (played, in wonderfully over-the-top fashion, by Jermaine Clement) escapes from imprisonment on the moon. He goes back to the year 1969 and kills the man who originally imprisoned him, Agent K. In the present day, Agent K (played, of course, by Tommy Lee Jones) vanishes from existence. The only person who remembers him is his longtime partner, Agent J (Will Smith). Agent J and Agent O (played by Emma Thompson) quickly figure out what has happened (one of the best things about Men In Black 3 is that everything happens quickly — there’s very little padding) and J is sent back to 1969 where he ends up teaming up with the young Agent K (now played by Josh Brolin). Together, J and K attempt to prevent Boris from changing history.

As I hinted at earlier, I wasn’t really expecting much from Men In Black 3. Yes, the trailer was cute and I was looking forward to seeing Josh Brolin’s impersonation of Tommy Lee Jones but otherwise, I had no reason to suspect that this film would be anything more than a somewhat disheartening collection of CGI and superstar egos.

But you know what?

Men In Black 3 isn’t half-bad.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Men In Black 3 doesn’t rewrite the rules of a familiar genre (like Cabin In The Woods). And it’s certainly not an idiosyncratic expression of one man’s personal artistic vision (like Moonrise Kingdom). No, Men In Black 3 is pure Hollywood entertainment but, at the very least, it’s a well-made example of pure Hollywood entertainment. This is the type of film that could easily have been made (and watched) on autopilot but director Barry Sonnenfeld and his talented cast have actually made the effort to make an entertaining film and they’ve succeeded.

Both Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones have reached a point where they could play their roles in their sleep (and, in other movies, that’s what they both often seem to be doing) but both of them seem to be having fun in Men in Black 3 and they’ve got such a strong chemistry that they’re enjoyable to watch. Jones even brings a sense of reality to his character’s world-weary resignation and, if Will Smith’s main talent seems to be the fact that he’s likable, he still does likeable pretty well. The new additions to the cast — Emma Thompson, Jermaine Clement, Alice Eve, and especially Michael Stuhlbarg and Bill Hader — are all fun and interesting to watch. The film, however, is truly stolen by Josh Brolin, who not only perfectly captures Tommy Lee Jones’ voice and mannerisms but also manages to hint at his sense of gravitas as well. Sonnenfeld keeps the story moving quickly and, for once, the impressive CGI is used in the service of the story as opposed to just providing an excuse for that story to exist.

As usually seems to happen with franchise films, the whole thing ends on a sentimental note and, I have to admit, it actually brought tears to my eyes.

Then again, I’ve been told that I cry at anything.

Regardless of whether my tears were honestly earned or if they were just a Pavlovian response, Men In Black 3 is an entertaining film and I’m glad I saw it.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: The Craigslist Killer (dir. by Stephen Kay)

Posted on June 9, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, as I was searching through the list of movies saved onto my DVR, I discovered that I had apparently recorded 2011’s The Craigslist Killer off of the Lifetime Movie Network. So, of course, I immediately curled up on the couch and started to watch it. After a few minutes, I paused the movie so I could wake up my sister and track down our cat and force them to watch it with me. Which they did because they love me. Awwwwwwwww!

Why Was I Watching It?

Okay, I think The Craigslist Killer has been on TV like a gazillion times since 2011 and I’ve watched it almost every time. It’s become a tradition. Just like some people have to watch Avatar every time it pops up on Cinemax, I have to watch The Craigslist Killer every time it shows up on Lifetime. And if I have to use my feminine wiles to force other people to watch with me — well, I’m willing to do that.

What’s It About?

Philip Markoff (Jake McDorman) is this handsome, charming medical student who tells everyone that he’s rich and is just loved by everyone. But even though he’s a total hottie, he’s got the confidence of nottie. (Sorry, I came up with that line as a joke a few months ago and I’ve been looking for an excuse to use it ever since.) So, he deals with his issues by looking at porn online and then eventually murdering a masseuse who he met through an ad that she placed on Craig’s List. Anyway, he’s not really that good at being a killer so it’s kinda obvious that he’s the one who did it but nobody can believe it because he’s such a charming guy.

One person who definitely doesn’t think that he’s a killer is his fiancée, Megan (Agnes Bruckner). Megan is busy planning their wedding while, unknown to her, Philip is attacking and killing other women. Eventually, Megan is confronted by a suspicious homicide investigator (William Baldwin) but she still stubbornly defends Philip.

And, of course, it’s all based on a true story.

What Worked?

Seriously, this is the epitome of a Lifetime movie and it’s also a historically important one. I can remember being on twitter the night that this movie premiered and literally everyone was planning on watching The Craigslist Killer, even people who normally would never watch Lifetime. So, for many people, The Craigslist Killer is what they think of when they think of a Lifetime movie: it’s based on a true story, it’s about a beautiful woman who falls in love with a handsome man with a great future, and it’s about how that woman learns that men can’t be trusted. There’s even a subtle hint, I think, of the possibility of future romance between Megan and the detective played by William Baldwin. And good for her! Seriously, after everything she goes through in this film, she deserves it.

Agnes Bruckner and Jake McDorman both give pretty good performances. McDorman is totally believable as both a charming med school student and a vicious killer and I liked the way that his performance subtly showed us that there wasn’t much going on behind the character’s perfect smile.

The final few minutes of the movie made me cry.

What Didn’t Work?

I’ve read quite a few comments online from people complaining about William Baldwin’s attempt to do a Boston accent. Some say it was one of the worst Boston accents in television history. I’m not sure if that’s true or not but I certainly know what it’s like to listen to a Yankee butcher your region’s accent.

Otherwise, as far as I’m concerned, this was a Lifetime movie and it all worked.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

What girl hasn’t liked the perfect boy who, once he becomes her boyfriend, reveals himself to actually be far less than perfect? Laugh if you will but the best Lifetime movie tap into universal truths that many people don’t like to admit exist.

Lessons Learned

Even the perfect wedding can be ruined when it turns out the groom is a serial killer.

What Lisa Watched This Morning: One For The Money (dir. by Julie Anne Robinson)

Posted on May 30, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This morning, as it stormed outside, I watched One For The Money, the Katherine Heigl film that quickly came and went earlier this year.

Why Was I Watching It?

How did I end up watching One For The Money this morning? I blame the toadsuckers out there who insist on mowing their lawns every chance they get. By constantly mowing their lawns, these people are releasing particles of grass into the air where they turn into pollen and they make life difficult for sweet, innocent girls like me who happen to have fairly severe asthma. Because of everyone mowing their lawns, my asthma started to act up last night and I ended up calling in to work today.

So, there I was: curled up on the couch, clutching my inhaler and listening to the thunder rumbling and the rain falling outside. Our cat Doc walked over to the couch and stared up at me for a few minutes before going, “Meh.” I took that to mean: “Let’s watch a movie On Demand.” So, I checked to see what was available and, after I realized that I had no interest in Red Tails, I decided to go with One For The Money.

What’s It About?

So, Stephanie Plum (Katherine Hiegl) lives in New Jersey and has no job but she does have a kinda creepy cousin named Vinny (Patrick Fischler, who looks like he would be a creepy cousin named Vinny) who owns a place called Vinny’s Bail Bonds. Stephanie reminds Vinny of a time that he attempted to get all incestous-like with her so Vinny hires her as a bail enforcement agent (otherwise known as a bounty hunter). Stephanie’s first assignment is to catch Joe Morelli (Jason O’Mara), a former cop who is wanted for murder. Stephanie is happy to accept this assignment because, back in high school, she lost her virginity to Joe and then attempted to run him over with her car after he dumped her.

However, it quickly turns out that 1) Joe isn’t that easy to catch and 2) he might be innocent. In between getting bounty hunting lessons from Ranger (Daniel Sunjata) and catching other assorted bail jumpers, Stephanie tries to help Morelli prove his innocence and also finds herself falling in love with him, despite the fact that he’s kind of a jerk.

What Worked?

This film has gotten some of the worst reviews I’ve ever seen and not just from the usual gang of overpaid film critics who always hate on films starring Katherine Heigl. Even the reviews left on the imdb are amazingly negative, a lot of them being left by fans of the series of books that this film is based on. I have to admit that I haven’t read any of Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum novels and maybe that’s why I didn’t think this film was that bad.

This film was essentially a big budget Lifetime film and it was at its best when it accepted that fact. It had a few cute moments and there’s a moment, where the inexperienced Stephanie Plum goes, “Oh, I forgot I had a gun!” that made me laugh out loud because I know that’s exactly the sort of thing that I’d end up saying if I ever took up bounty hunting for a living. While I agree with those who have said that Heigl was miscast as Stephanie, I could still relate enough to the character that the film (for the most part) managed to hold my attention.

Jason O’Mara and Daniel Sunjata are both easy on the eyes. Stephanie’s not the only one to have fantasies about being handcuffed by Jason O’Mara while naked.

A lot of the negative comments that I’ve read about this film centered on just how bad Heigl’s New Jersey accent was. As a Texan who speaks with a twang in her voice, all I can say to that is “Welcome to my world, bitches.” If nothing else, maybe this film will let Yankees know how it feels to have their accent butchered by someone who grew up in Connecticut.

What Did Not Work?

Just because the film wasn’t that bad doesn’t mean that it was all that good. It’s a fun film to watch when you’re sick and it’s raining outside because it’s so lightweight and insubstantial that it doesn’t require you to think about what’s happening on-screen or really to even pay that much attention. If you do pay attention, you’ll quickly realize that Heigl (who I, as opposed to lot of people, usually like) isn’t believable as a member of the working class, the film’s story is predictable, and that John Leguizamo plays essentially the same annoying character that John Leguizamo always plays in films like this.

I’m also assuming that Heigl’s voice-over narration was an attempt to capture Evanovich’s authorial voice on-screen but, honestly, it just came across as being heavy-handed and unnecessary.

“Oh my God! Just Like Me!” Moments

There were a few. To be honest, I get the feeling that if I ever became a bounty hunter, I would probably be kind of a klutzy one like Stephanie Plum is in this film. Add to that, Stephanie has to spend a lot of time listening to people complain about her driving and I can certainly relate to that. Seriously, you get a few tickets for running a red light and then you jump a few medians and suddenly, everyone’s making you out to be some sort of menace.

Lessons Learned:

What might be annoying on the big screen is perfectly acceptable when you’re curled up on the couch and watching TV.