Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Gun, an anthology series that ran on ABC for six week in 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Produced by filmmaker Robert Altman, Gun was an anthology series that followed one gun from person-to-person. Each week would feature a new cast and a new story. The show itself didn’t catch on but, because of Altman’s prestige, is still managed to attract some prominent and interesting guest stars during it’s 6-episode run.
The first episode, for instance, brings the gun together with Daniel Stern, Ed Begley, Jr., and model Kathy Ireland.
Episode 1.1 “The Shot”
(Dir by James Foley, originally aired on April 12th, 1997)
The first episode of Gun opens with an unnamed dumbass purchasing a pearl-handed, .45 semi-automatic pistol. When he takes it home, his kids are impressed but his wife threatens to kick him out if he ever fires the gun in the house. Next thing you know, the dumbass is pretending to be Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver and pointing the gun at the television. The final shoot-out from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly leads to the TV getting shot. The dumbass returns the gun. Later, that night, someone breaks into the gun store and steals the gun.
Who stole it? It turns out that it was just a guy who spends his time holding up convenience stores. Unfortunately, his next attempt at a convenience store robbery does not go well, largely due to one aggravated customer. Harvey Hochfelder (Daniel Stern) is already in an agitated state before the robbery even begins. He just wants to leave Los Angeles for Virginia but, before he can leave, he had to stop off at the slowest convenience store in L.A. Harvey loses it as soon as he realizes that the robbery is going to mean his escape to Virginia is going to be even further delayed. When Harvey’s wife (Kathy Baker) enters the store, the robber is startled into first shooting at Harvey and then dropping the gun. The robber runs outside and tries to steal Harvey’s car, with Harvey’s son and dog in the back seat. Harvey grabs the gun and chases the robber down. The robber crashes the car and Harvey holds him at gun point until the police arrive.
Harvey becomes a celebrity. He even appears on the cover Newsweek, with the simple headline, “American Hero.” Hollywood wants to make a made-for-TV movie about what happened in the convenience store, with Harvey playing himself and Kathy Ireland playing his wife.
Unfortunately, the friends of the robber are not happy that Harvey “fingered our homie” (yes, that’s actual dialogue) and they decide that they want to get revenge on Harvey. When they force his car off the road and then pull guns of their own on him, Harvey diffuses the situation by offering them roles the movie. Everyone wants to be a star!
Finally, the day of filming has arrived. Under the guidance of the film’s director (Ed Begley, Jr.), Harvey prepares to climb into bed with a lingerie-clad Kathy Ireland….
Suddenly, Harvey is back in the convenience store, getting shot multiple times by the robber and expiring as a security camera records his final moments. His entire time as a Hollywood star was just a dying fantasy which, honestly, was kind of obvious just by how cartoonish all of the Hollywood scenes were.
Well, as far as first episodes are concerned this was really, really …. bad. Anthology shows are always a bit hit-and-miss and this episode was definitely almost all miss and no hit. As good a character actor as he may be, Daniel Stern overacts to such an extent in this episode that it’s difficult to really have much sympathy for Harvey and the episode’s final twist largely fell flat.
The first episode of Gun is an almost entire …. dare I say it? …. misfire.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!
This week, Leslie Nielsen returns to Fantasy Island!
Episode 3.17 “Playgirl/Smith’s Valhalla”
(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on January 26th, 1980)
This week, Tattoo is super excited because one of the guests is Erica Clark (Barbie Benton), a famous centerfold for Rooster Magazine! Erica, however, no longer models. As she explains to Mr. Roarke, she grew tired of men treating her as just being a sex object. Indeed, her fantasy is to be able to treat men the same way! (Today, of course, Erica could save however much money she spent for the fantasy by simply watching clips of Magic Mike on YouTube.)
In perhaps the simplest fantasy that Mr. Roarke has ever put together, he sends Erica to the Island’s famed Jackrabbit Club, where men dance while women watch. Again, to be clear, all Mr. Roarke had to do was send her to the island’s version of Chippendales. I mean, Erica could have just done that on her own. Anyway, Erica witnesses one of the dancers, Walter Wilde (Fabian Forte), getting fired for refusing to go along with being sexually harassed by one of the women in the audience. Relating to Walter, his desire to go to medical school, and his life as a single father to Dinah (Heather McAdam), Erica agrees to come out of retirement and pose (in a bikini with a big rooster tail hooked on the back) for the club’s owner, Big Earl Sanderson (Denny Miller). However, when Big Earl demands that Erica do more than just pose, Walter is there to punch him out.
Anyway, it turns out that Dinah’s fantasy was for Walter to fall in love and Roarke combined her fantasy with Erica’s, presumably to save some money. So, Erica, Walter, and Dinah leave the island together and I guess Erica learns that …. well, I’m not sure anyone learned anything. This was a pretty weak fantasy that claimed to be about treating men as sex objects but spent the majority of time looking for excuses to put Barbi Benton in a bikini. Seriously, Jackrabbit was the tamest male strip club I’ve ever seen.
Meanwhile, the Island finds itself in what should be an international incident after a group of dirty commies hijack a plane and make it land at an abandoned Fantasy Island airport. The communists say that they are doing this because they have to get people to pay attention to their cause but it’s hard not to notice that there’s next to no media coverage of the events, there are no soldiers or police surrounding the airport, and Mr. Roarke merely shrugs it off.
The only person who does care is Jason Smith (Hugh O’Brian), whose fantasy is to lead a combat mission. The fantasy becomes personal for Jason when he discovers that his wife (Emily Banks) is one of the hostages! Mr. Roarke arranges to Jason to work with three combat experts.
Buck Tanner (Sean Garrison) is an explosives expert who suffers from war flashbacks.
“Weasel” Forbes (Charlies Dierkop) is a wild sniper.
And French soldier of fortune Emile Bouvier is …. LESLIE NIELSEN!
Yes, this episode of Fantasy Island features Leslie Nielsen is one of the last of his “serious” roles, playing a French mercenary by wearing a red beret and not even attempting an accent. Bouver is tough and no-nonsense, as we learn when he catches Buck drinking on the job.
Anyway, Jason is able to rescue his wife and the other hostages and the communists are all arrested and hopefully sacrificed to the Fantasy Island mermaid. Bouvier sacrifices his life to save Jason’s but Mr. Roark explains that it was no big deal because Bouvier was dying anyways and his fantasy was to end his life doing something heroic. Once again, it appears that Mr. Roarke saved some money by combining fantasies. Was Fantasy Island feeling the effects of the Carter recession? Perhaps.
Other than Leslie Nielsen playing a serious role, probably the most interesting thing about this episode is that Mr. Roarke and Tattoo barely spoke to each other over the course of it. There was none of the usual comedic banter or anything like that. Indeed, even in the scenes greeting and saying goodbye to their guests, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize refused to every look at each other. Obviously, it wasn’t all happy days on Fantasy Island.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Cafe, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Created by Wes Craven and Thomas Baum, Nightmare Café was an anthology show about a mysterious café and the people who worked there. The proprietor was played by Robert Englund. The series only aired for six episodes and apparently, NBC didn’t really give the show much of a chance to find an audience. Myself, I just recently came across it on YouTube and I’m looking forward to reviewing it over the course of October!
Episode 1.1 “Nightmare Café”
(Dir by Phillip Noyce, originally aired on January 29th, 1992)
“See those two folks up there?” Robert Englund, playing a sharply-dressed man named Blackie, asks while staring straight at the camera. “They’re about to get a second chance. And you know what? I bet they blow it.”
The two people to whom Blackie is referring are Frank Nolan (Jack Coleman) and Fay Pernovic (Lindsay Frost). On a foggy night, Fay stops her car on the side of the bridge and jumps into the water below. Fortunately, Jack already happens to be in the water so he grabs her and pulls her to dry land. Standing on the deserted road and soaking wet, Fay refuses to say thank you and Frank refuses to mention why he was there to begin with. However, when they see an all-night café in the distance, they decide to get a cup of coffee. As they head to the café, Blackie watches them from the shadows. As they enter the café, the neon sign changes from saying “Night Café” to “Nightmare Café.”
The café appears to be deserted, though in working order. Jack goes behind the counter finds a chef’s outfit. Fay finds a waitress outfit. When she heads into the restroom to change clothes, she briefly hears the sound of a woman crying but, upon entering, she finds no one. Meanwhile, Jack notices that a TV screen at the front of the café has come to life and …. uh-oh! He’s suddenly watching what appears to be security footage of Fay removing her wet clothes. Jack does the right thing and turns the TV off but seriously, what’s happening with this place!?
In the restroom, Fay marvels at how well the waitress uniform fits, almost as if it was made for her. Suddenly, she hears more crying. She touches the bathroom mirror and she sees herself sobbing and pulling pills out of a medicine cabinet.
Fay steps back into the main part of the café. Frank confesses about watching her change on the television. Fay demands to know what color underwear she was wearing. “White …. with red hearts on back,” is Frank’s reply. (For the record, as I sit here typing this, I am wearing black underwear with red hearts on the back.) Fay accuses him of being a pervert and peeking in on her while she was changing. Frank turns on the TV in an attempt to prove that he’s not a perv but, instead of showing the restroom, the TV shows the chemical plant where, according to Frank, he works as a night watchman. He watches as two men steal a barrel of chemical waste and brag about how they’re going to dump it into the harbor. Frank says that his worst nightmare is seeing something that’s wrong and not doing anything to stop it. Fay pinches Frank in an attempt to wake him up. On the TV screen, Frank Nolan tries to stop the men from driving off with the chemical waste. Frank is fired and then knocked unconscious.
Realizing the Frank has vanished from the café, Fay runs over to a payphone and dials 9-1-1, just to be informed that the number cannot be reached. Fay opens the door to the café and discovers that she and the café are apparently floating in space!
Returning to the television, Fay sees that, at the chemical plant, Frank is still on the ground and his employer tells a bunch of thugs that he wants them to make Frank watch as they dump the waste into the harbor. However, once the thugs drive down to the harbor, Frank jumps out of the trunk of their car and into one of the trucks transporting the chemical waste. The thugs shoot at the truck until it explodes and then decide that it’s time to get a cup of coffee.
Realizing that the thugs might be coming, Fay decides she better pretend to be a real waitress. She grabs a cup of coffee and walks into the back where she discovers Frank rising out of a water-filled sink. “You know what?” Frank says, “I don’t think this is your run-of-the-mill all night café!”
Fay congratulates Frank on doing the right thing and standing up to the thugs. Suddenly, Fay starts to worry about what she saw in the restroom so she and Frank enter and, in the mirror, they see the two thugs approaching the cafe. Frank and Fay run into the kitchen. Frank opens a door marked exit and plunges back into the harbor. Fay closes the door and then opens it again and finds herself staring at a back alley. Deciding to face the thugs, she heads to the front of the café, where the two thugs demand to know where Frank is. She tells them that he’s in the ladies room. They rush into the restroom and suddenly find themselves on a police shooting range with a bunch of cops aiming their guns at them.
“This place has possibilities,” Fay says as the two thugs run from the café.
Suddenly, the TV turns on Fays sees herself in her bedroom, getting dressed for a date. Frank steps back into the café and watches the TV, barely noticing that Fay has vanished from the café. While he’s doing this, Blackie steps into the café and, breaking the fourth wall, says, “This ought to be interesting.”
On the television, Fay gets a call from a guy named Al (John D’Aquino) who explains that he’ll be delayed but he’ll see her later. Frank recognizes Al as being his boss at the chemical plant and then he realizes that Blackie also worked at the chemical plant and was one of the people who always told him not to waste his time reporting the toxic waste dumping. Blackie holds up a deck of cards and says that whoever pulls the low card will pay for their meal. Frank says that the only person that he’s betting on is Fay.
On the TV, Fay drives towards Al’s house. Suddenly, Frank is standing on the side of the road and hitchhiking. Fay gives him a ride and suddenly, the two thugs pop up and start shooting at them. Fay speeds off, with Frank in the car. Fay outmaneuvers the pursuing thugs, who end up crashing their car into the harbor.
Suddenly, Blackie is the only one sitting in the café. He watches Fay and Frank talk in the car. Frank tells Fay all about Al and Fay kicks Frank out of the car, not understanding how he could possibly know her name. Suddenly, Frank is back in the café. He and Blackie watch as Fay knocks on the door of Al’s penthouse. No one answers and Frank cheers as Fay starts to walk away. Suddenly, Blackie appears on the television and unlocks the door so Fay can enter the penthouse.
Fay gives Al a really ugly sweater for his birthday but is then shocked to discover that Al is at the penthouse with another woman (played by Carrie-Anne Moss in an early role), who promptly asks if Fay is the maid. As Fay heads for the penthouse’s bathroom, one of the thugs shows up and announces that he previous saw Fay at the café. Meanwhile, Fay searches the medicine cabinet for pills before heading back to her car
Seeing Fay driving towards the harbor on the television, Frank runs out of the café to save Fay again. But this time, instead of jumping into the harbor, Fay looks at the water and then says that it would be foolish to kill herself over a loser like Al. Suddenly, Al drives up and Fay and Frank have to jump into the water to avoid getting hit. However, once they hit the water, Frank realizes that they’re already dead.
Upon figuring this out, Frank and Fay are transported back to the café where Blackie tells them that they’re dead in the real world but they’re alive in the café and now, they get to make a difference in other people’s lives. Blackie opens the door, to show Frank and Fay that they are once again floating in space and that the Earth in the distance. Blackie tells them that they’ve been selected by “a higher authority” to help the people who enter the café and “maybe learn a little about yourselves along the way.” But they’re both dead so what’s left to learn?
Suddenly, Al enters the café. Blackie tells Al that Frank and Fay are in the restroom. Al steps into the restroom and suddenly has a vision of Fay testifying against him in court. Terrified, Al runs from the café but, upon opening the door, he plunges through space and lands in a vat of chemical waste.
A woman (played by Joan Chen of Twin Peaks fame) opens the front door. “Hi,” she asks, “Are you open?”
Nightmare Café only ran for 6 episodes and anthology shows are notorious for being uneven. All that considered, I really enjoyed the pilot for Nightmare Café, with its twisty plot, frequently surreal visuals, and — last but not least — Robert Englund having what appears to be a lot of fun as the show’s host. The pilot was directed by Philip Noyce, who keeps the action moving a great pace. Even more importantly, from their first scene together, Lindsay Frost and Jack Coleman have a lot chemistry. I’m looking forward to watching the remaining episodes and seeing where all of this goes!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Crockett and Tubbs gain an informant!
Episode 1.4 “Cool Runnin'”
(Dir by Lee H. Katzin, originally aired on October 5th, 1984)
One of the main themes of Miami Vice was that, no matter how many drug lords that Crockett and Tubbs got off the streets, there was always someone in the wings waiting to replace them. The drug trade was (and is) big business and there was always someone willing to step into the vacuum that was left by the downfall of any of the major players. For all of their efforts, Crockett and Tubbs were essentially fighting a war on drugs that could not be won.
Cool Runnin’ features an early example of this. With Calderone having fled Miami for Colombia, he’s been replaced by Desmond Maxwell (Afemo Omilami), a Jamaican who is willing to murder just about anyone who gets in his way. When he’s first seen, he and the members of his gang are gunning down a group of rival drug dealers in a mall parking lot. Later, Desmond kills one undercover cop and seriously wounds another.
Another major theme in Miami Vice is that Crockett (and, to a lesser extent, Tubbs) are willing to put others at risk to take down their targets. The majority of this episode deals with Nugart Neville ‘Noogie’ Lamont (Charlie Barnett), a talkative thief and speed freak who is recruited, somewhat against his will, to be an informant. When Crockett and Tubbs discover that Noogie served time with Desmond, they use Noogie to set up a meeting with Desmond. When Crockett tells Desmond that he wants to buy from him and that he’ll be waiting for him at Noogie’s apartment, Tubbs points out that Crockett is putting Noogie’s life in danger without even bothering to tell Noogie beforehand.
(Crockett, it should be noted, isn’t thinking straight for most of this episode because his wife has filed for divorce and wants to take his son to Georgia.)
At first, it appears that Noogie is going to get a reprieve when a calls comes in that the man who killed the undercover cops has been arrested. It doesn’t take long for Crockett (and the audience) to figure out that the man who has been arrested is not Jamaican (instead, he’s Haitian) and that he’s been beaten by the racist cop who arrested him.
Instead, the killers are now at Noogie’s apartment, where they are waiting for Crockett and Tubbs to show up so that they can kill both the cops and their informant. It all leads to final shoot-out, one that is shown almost entirely in slow motion and which is surprisingly effective.
This was a good episode about the human cost of getting involved as law enforcement, whether as a cop or a criminal. While Desmond Maxwell was not a particularly nuanced character, he was appropriately intimidating and the audience never had any doubt that he would coldly kill anyone who he viewed as being a threat. (One of the more haunting moments of the episode features the Vice Squad listening to the tape of shooting in which Desmond gunned down two detectives.)
The episode was largely dominated by Charlie Barnett’s performance as Noogie. Barnett was a stand-up comedian who first came to prominence performing in Central Park. He was nearly cast on SaturdayNight Live until it was discovered that he struggled with reading. Barnett was replaced, at the last minute, by another New York comedian, Eddie Murphy. As Noogie. Barnett never stops moving, talking, and performing. It’s actually exhausting just watching him. But, as the episode proceeds, Barnett starts to calm down and, by the end of it, the audience is actually happy that he wasn’t killed in the shoot-out.
Unfortunately, next week, a major character will be killed in a shootout. Who? Find out next Monday!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!
As much as I love Degrassi, I have to admit that I’ve never really sat down and watched the two shows that launched the entire franchise, Degrassi Junior High and Degrassi High. I figured why not give it a shot now?
Episode 1.1 “Kiss Me, Steph”
(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on January 18th, 1987)
Welcome to Toronto! It’s time for a new school year at Degrassi Junior High!
As I watched the first episode of Degrassi Junior High, the first thing I noticed was just how grainy and depressing everything looked. As opposed to the bright lighting and vibrant colors of Degrassi: The Next Generation, the world of Degrassi Junior High looked overcast and not always inviting. The school itself looked old, as if it had been a while since anyone bothered to paint the walls or even sweep the floors. In short, visually, Degrassi Junior High looked pretty much like a real middle school. The overcast imagery neatly mirrored the way that most people feel when they’re starting the first day of school, especially if it’s a new school.
It’s the first day of school for Arthur Kobalewscuy (Duncan Waugh) and, being short and way too trusting for his own, it doesn’t take long before the school prankster, Joey Jeremiah (Pat Mastroianni), tricks him into getting locked into the janitor’s closet. Poor Arthur but, far more importantly …. JOEY! As any true fan of Degrassi knows, Joey would go on to become one of the most important parts the franchise, both in the original series and a good deal of The Next Generation as well. In the first episode, he’s far a cry from the likable Joey that we all know. Instead, he’s just an obnoxious kid who wears a fedora to school.
Arthur is the younger brother of Stephanie Kaye (Nicole Stoffman), who is the most popular girl in the school. One would think that this would be a good thing for Arthur but Stephanie begins the school day by ordering Arthur not to talk to her because she’s in “grade 8” and he’s only in “grade 7.” Stephanie and Arthur’s parents are divorced, with Stephanie living with her mother and Arthur living with her father. Stephanie is determined to have a new image for Grade 8 and, as soon as she steps into the school, she heads to the bathroom and takes off her boring white blouse and blue skirt to reveal the crop top and tight jeans that she’s wearing underneath. Her best friend, the somewhat dour Voula (Niki Kemey), watches in horror as Stephanie puts on makeup. (I usually waited until I arrived at school to do my makeup as well.)
When Stephanie hears an announcement that student council elections are coming up, she decides to run for President. Voula is happy to serve as Stephanie’s campaign manager until Stephanie starts exchanging kisses for votes. Voula is scandalized that Stephanie isn’t talking about the issues and is running with the slogan, “All The Way With Stephanie Kaye.” Voula warns Stephanie that none of the girls are going to vote for her but Stephanie explains that she only needs the votes of the boys. Of course, the main reason why Voula is upset is because Stephanie is giving all the credit for her successful campaign to Joey instead of her.
(Interestingly enough, one of the first episodes of Degrassi: The Next Generation also featured a student council election and a sister trying to ignore her dorky younger brother.)
While Stephanie is winning over the boys, Arthur finally manages to get a new friend named Yick Yu (Siluck Saysanasy). Yay, everyone needs a friend!
Stephanie wins the election. The announcement is made while Stephanie is in home room where her teacher is none other than Mr. Raditch (Dan Woods), who would later be the first of many principals on Degrassi: The Next Generation. Joey jumps up and hugs Stephanie as the announcement is made. “Mr. Jeremiah!” Mr. Raditch snaps, “Not in my class! Save that behavior for the polls!”
(Fortunately, Mr. Raditch would warm up to Joey by the time that Joey’s stepson was enrolled in the school. But that’s not going to happen for a while….)
Having won the election, Stephanie discovers that she’s actually expected to do a lot of stuff, like give a speech to the PTA. Stephanie begs Voula to write the speech for her but Voula tells Stephanie that she doesn’t want to be her friend anymore. “You’re on your own, Ms. President! You and your new image!”
Oh well. With great power comes great responsibility and all that stuff. Personally, I think Stephanie should just blow off the speech. And really, Voula is being a bit too self-righteous here. I mean, it’s student council. It means nothing! The episode ends with Stephanie swearing that she’s going to be the best president that the school has ever had but it shouldn’t be that difficult since it’s not like the president makes school policy or anything. As Stephanie, once again dressed modestly, leaves the school, she finally acknowledges Arthur as her brother and Arthur offers to write the speech for her.
This was not a bad way to start the franchise and I enjoyed spotting future Degrassi stars like Wheels, Snake, and Spike wandering around the school. This episode did a good job of capturing the silliness of student council elections and also the way every day of high school and middle school can feel like the biggest drama ever. Arthur and Yick are likable in their nerdy way. I related Stephanie. Voula kind of needs to get over herself but we all had a friend like that in school, didn’t we?
Episode 1.2 “The Big Dance”
(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on January 25th, 1987)
It’s time for the fall dance!
Voula, who is still unreasonably angry with Stephanie, suggests that they use the dance as a way to raise money for the foster child that the school is sponsoring. Everyone thinks this is a great idea and they think Voula should give a speech while handing over the money at the end of the dance. Unfortunately, Voula’s superprotective father (Paul Brock) refuses to allow Voula to stay out past 9:30. He also freaks out when he sees that Voula is wearing lipstick and suddenly, it makes more sense why she’s so jealous of Stephanie.
As for Stephanie, she asks Wheels (Neil Hope) to take her to dance and — OH MY GOD, IT’S WHEELS! Now, as anyone who knows anything about Degrassi can tell you, Wheels eventually became one of the most important characters on the show. As soon as I saw Joey talking to him, I immediately started to think about the fact that this is the same Wheels who is going eventually lose his parents to a drunk driver, get molested while hitchhiking, develop a drinking problem, and end up going to prison shortly after graduating high school. In this episode, though, he’s just a pleasant-natured friend of Joey’s.
Voula lies to her father about spending the night with a study group and instead, heads to the dance. Meanwhile, Stephanie goes to the house of her friend Lucy Fernandez (Anais Granofsky) so she can change into her school dance clothes. (Fans of Degrassi know that Lucy is destined to end up getting temporarily blinded and crippled as a result of Wheels driving drunk.) Along with the two creepy twins, Heather and Erica (Maureen and Angela Deiseach), Stephanie ends up having way too much to drink at Lucy’s.
The end result is that Stephanie shows up drunk at the school dance and ends up embarrassing herself in front of Wheels while Voula is caught breaking curfew by her father. In typical Degrassi fashion, no one gets a happy ending!
I kind of groaned a little when I saw that this was going to be a Voula episode but actually, the episode did a good job of showing why Voula got so angry at Stephanie. As well, in what would be a Degrassi hallmark, the episode handled the theme of underage drinking with sensitivity as opposed to judgmental melodrama. Yes, Stephanie has too much to drink and ruined her date but the episode understood that, rather than being the end of the world, this is just a part of growing up. On Degrassi Junior High, teenagers were allowed to make mistakes.
Finally, during the dance, I spotted Joey dancing with Caitlin (Stacie Mistysyn), who is of course destined to become the great love of Joey’s life. It was a nice case of (probably inadvertent) foreshadowing.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1969’s Dragnet 1966! It can be viewed on YouTube!
“This is the city….”
So begins Dragnet, a television movie version of the classic cop show that was the Law & Order of it’s day. Dragnet began as a radio program in 1949 before making it’s way over to television in 1951. Each episode starred (and the majority were directed by) Jack Webb, who played a no-nonsense cop named Joe Friday. Friday narrated every episode, dropping trivia about the history of Los Angeles while also showing viewers how the cops went about catching criminals. Despite what is commonly believed, Joe Friday never said, “Just the facts, ma’m,” but he did investigate each case with the cool determination of a professional who kept his emotions under control. The majority of Dragnet’s episodes were based on actual cases that were worked by the LAPD, hence the opening declaration of, “The story you are about to see is true.”
On television, Dragnet originally ran from 1951 to 1959, during which time Dragnet also became the first television series to be adapted into a feature film. Jack Webb decided to relaunch Dragnet in 1966 and he produced a made-for-television movie that followed Friday and his latest partner, the far more talkative Bill Gannon (Harry Morgan), as they worked multiple cases over the course of one long weekend. The pilot movie did lead to a new show, one that lasted from 1967 to 1970 and which is today fondly remembered for scenes of Friday and Gannon debating the merits of the legal system with hippies. However, for whatever reason, the 1966 pilot movie was not actually aired until 1969.
The made-for-TV movie features Friday and Gannon searching not for LSD dealers and draft dodgers but instead for a crazed photographer (Vic Perrin) who hires women to pose for him and then ties them up and takes their picture right before her murders them. The photographer is based on real-life serial killer Harvey Glatman and Perrin is perfectly creepy in the role. Though Friday never loses his composure, his disgust at the photographer and his crimes is palpable and it adds an extra charge to the scene where, in the middle of a drenching rain storm, Friday tries to sneak up on the trailer where he believes the photographer is holding his latest victim. It’s actually a pretty exciting scene and definitely one that will take by surprise anyone who thinks of the 60s Dragnet as just being a campy exercise in establishment resentment.
Of course, catching a serial killer is not all that Friday and Gannon deal with. It’s a long weekend so Friday and Gannon end up investigating the murder of a French tourist and Friday helps a younger, black detective deal with a racist criminal. (The scene where Friday stands up to the racist was obviously meant to answer those who claimed the LAPD was a racist organization.) At the start of the film, Joe almost gets collared into working security for a visiting Russian diplomat and the Russian’s paranoid security team is contrasted to the level-headed and capable men of the LAPD. Some of these scenes are better than others. The French tourist subplot features some truly risible acting and the scene with the racist is well-intentioned but still feels a bit condescending in its portrayal of the black detective needing Friday to help him deal with the suspect. That said, I did enjoy listening to Bill Gannon talking about his plans for retirement and how working for the LAPD was destroying his teeth. Harry Morgan’s folksy humor was always the perfect counterpart to Jack Webb’s perpetually rational Friday.
Finally, I appreciated that the movie featured a scene with Friday and Gannon went undercover at a lonely hearts club. If you’ve watched the 1960s version of Dragnet, you know that, for all the times that Friday and Gannon went undercover, they never really put much effort into it. I mean, they didn’t ever bother to take off their jackets!
Though I was disappointed by the lack of hippies, Dragnet 1966 was still not only a good police procedural but also a fun time capsule of its era.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Epstein smokes and the Sweathogs learn the true meaning of Christmas!
Episode 2.11 “Sweathog Clinic for the Cure of Smoking”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 16th, 1976)
Gabe tells Julie a joke about his uncle, a doctor who used to trick his patients into sticking their tongue out and staring out his office window as a way to anger the people on the other side of the street.
At school, Horshack is stunned to see Epstein lighting up a cigarette in the boys room. (Epstein hides his cigarettes in the paper towel dispenser.) Horshack says that he is shocked and he points out that smoking is against the school rules. (Since when do Sweathogs care about the school rules?) Epstein responds by blowing smoke in Horshack’s face. Then, Gabe and Woodman step into the restroom and Epstein desperately flushes his cigarette but not before everyone sees him exhaling a cloud of smoke.
Woodman takes Epstein to the office of the perpetually unseen Principal Lazarus. Woodman tells Gabe that he can’t wait to see how Epstein gets punished but it turns out that Epstein is the only person at the school who Lazarus likes. Disillusioned at the lack of punishment for Epstein, Woodman announces that he’s moving to Scarsdale and goes into his office. Epstein, meanwhile, promises both Gabe and Barbarino (who just happens to be in the front office for some reason) that he’ll quit smoking.
However, the next day, Gabe again catches Epstein in the boys room, smoking. Epstein confesses that he can’t quit smoking. Gabe tells a story about how, when he was 12, he was addicted to potato knishes. Gabe explains that his knish habit led him to moving onto harder junk food, like Twinkies. In order to break his habit, Gabe says he went cold turkey.
“Cold turkey!?” Epstein says.
“That’s right. For five days, I ate nothing but cold turkey!”
Gabe says that he and the Sweathogs will help Epstein break his smoking habit through aversion therapy.
“Oh yeah,” Barbarino nods, “Perversion therapy. We’ll torture Juan until he quits smoking.”
The next day, Gabe, Epstein, Woodman, and the Sweathogs gather in Gabe’s classroom to make Epstein “unlearn” smoking. After talking about his own struggle to quit smoking, Woodman leaves the classroom. It’s probably for the best because one can imagine how Woodman would have reacted to Juan smoking a cigarette while Barbarino and Freddie walked in place on a red carpet in an attempt to generate enough static electricity to shock Epstein every time that he took a puff.
When shock therapy proves ineffective (for some reason, Gabe is the one who keeps getting shocked), Horshack comes into the classroom, dressed like a doctor. While twirling his stethoscope, Horshack asks Epstein about his sex life because “I thought it would be fun to hear about.” Gabe suggests that Horshack not ask anyone about their sex life until “you get one yourself.” Freddie then says, “Hi, there,” and pretends to be someone who has been smoking for four years and can now only say a few words without coughing. Gabe then forces Epstein to smell a cup full of soggy cigarettes. They then force Epstein to smoke three cigarettes at once.
“Doesn’t taste so good, does it, Mr. Puff!?” Gabe shouts.
Epstein gives up cigarettes but, seven days later, he shows up at school with a pipe. Gabe says that he’s disappointed in Epstein but then Epstein points out that Gabe is eating a knish. Gabe agrees to give up knishes if Epstein gives up smoking. Epstein agrees and he and Gabe dramatically toss all of the tobacco and knishes into the trash. It turns out that Gabe had a knish hidden in every corner of the classroom.
Back at the apartment, a knish-free Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who was a famous frontiersman.
This episode worked because it centered not on a guest star or a gimmick but instead on the Sweathogs acting like their usual goofy selves. The second season has, so far, been a bit more uneven than the first but the chemistry between Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Ron Pallilo, and John Travolta continues to be, along with John Sylvester White’s delightfully unhinged turn as Woodman, the show’s greatest strength.
Episode 2.12 “Hark, The Sweatking”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 23rd, 1976)
Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who got drunk at the zoo. “They don’t sell liquor at the zoo,” Julie replies.
It’s Christmas in Brooklyn! Horshack is hoping that he’ll finally get a Marie Osmond doll from Santa. The other Sweathogs are more interested in Angie (Michael V. Gazzo, who played Frankie Pentangelli in The Godfather Part II), the homeless man who is hanging out in the school’s courtyard and who claims that he was once a corporate executive. Gabe reveals that Angie has been coming by the school ever since Gabe was a student at Buchanan himself. After Gabe hears the Sweathogs making fun of Angie, he decides to invite Angie to come speak to the class.
“What’s he going to teach us?” Epstein asks, “Advanced vagrancy?”
Before Angie can start his speech, Woodman steps in the room and refers to Angie as being “our Christmas hobo.” Gabe says that Woodman probably goes around from house-to-house on Christmas Eve and tells all the kids that there’s no Santa Claus.
“Someone has to do it,” Woodman says and, as always, John Sylvester White totally nails the line. One of the underrated joys of this show is watching Woodman go progressively more and more insane.
Angie finally tells his story, explaining that he was a butcher with a wife and a family but he gambled away all of his money. One night, coming home broke, Angie discovered that his wife and his kids had left. Wiping away the tears, Angie leaves the classroom.
Feeling guilty, the Sweathogs want to do something for Angie. Freddie suggests putting Angie on their “shop-lifting lists.” Horshack makes a slightly more legal suggestion, saying that they should pool the money that they were going to use to buy each other gifts and instead, do something for Angie.
What do they do for Angie? Barbarino gets him some fresh clothes. Freddie gives him a haircut while Epstein shaves his beard and mustache. And Gabe invites Angie to come to the Christmas party that Julie and he are throwing at the apartment.
The action cuts to the apartment, where Julie is complaining about having to spend Christmas Eve with Gabe’s students. Julie then gives Gabe the Hanukkah bush that she bought for the holidays while Gabe explains that he has nothing for Julie because he spent all of his money on Angie. Epstein, Freddie, Horshack, and Barbarino show up, complaining that they haven’t seen Angie since helping him out. On cue, Angie shows up at the apartment, once again dressed like he was when the Sweathogs first saw him in the courtyard. Angie thanks the Sweathogs for everything but says that, for now, he’s comfortable living on the streets. Angie leaves and the Sweathogs are angry that they spent all of their money on someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Gabe tells them that the important thing is that they tried to help another human being. And then he reveals that he has presents for all of the Sweathogs. Yay! Merry Christmas!
After everyone leaves and Julie has fallen asleep on the couch, Gabe spots Santa Claus sitting in the kitchen and tells him about his cousin Eileen, who was so skinny that she had to wear snow shoes in the shower.
“Ho ho ho!” Santa replies.
This was a sweet episode, featuring good performances from not just the regulars but also from Michael V. Gazzo. Gabe telling a joke to Santa was adorable and the perfect way to end the episode. I love Christmas shows!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!
This week, Amy’s psycho nephew shows up!
Episode 1.15 “Sophie a La Modem”
(Dir by Stan Olsen, originally aired on April 18th, 1988)
“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “Sophie goes AWOL with Amy’s nephew and no one is safe from him …. NO ONE!”
This episode focuses on Sophie (Catherine Disher), who is Amy and T.S.’s administrative assistant. Since my first job out of college was working as an administrative assistant to an attorney, I appreciated that Sophie finally got to be the focus of an episode. Seriously, you can’t have an office without an office manager.
Amy’s nephew (Sunny Besen Thrasher) — who T.S. refers to as being “that little bad kid, Donald!” — is at the courthouse, firing a water gun at the security guard. Amy and T.S. take him to the office, where Sophie is extremely happy because she’s purchased — 80s alert! — a new modem! Donald, who is way too obsessed with guns, fires a rubber dart at Sophie’s computer screen. How big of a brat is Donald? He ever wears a bow-tie, just like the problem child kid. (Remember him?)
T.S. and Amy have to go to court so they’re not at the office when Mrs. Williams (Ruth Springfield) shows up and says that the people to whom she’s rented a house appear to be building something in the basement. Donald tells the woman that Sophie is Amy and somehow, this leads to Sophie and that little bad kid Donald going to investigate on their own.
Back at the office, T.S. and Amy return and discover that Sophie and Donald are gone but they don’t seem to be too worried about it. Instead of wondering where their administrative assistant and the little kid have gone, they talk about the time that Donald put a mouse in T.S.’s cookie jar. “He’s a bad kid,” T.S. growls.
At the house, Amy and Donald meet the two tenants, Gord (Ron Gabriel) and his slow-witted associate, Benny (Richard Donat). They also sneak into the basement and discover, as Sophie puts it, “a computer and a modem!” It turns out that Gord and Benny are using the magic powers of the modem to hack into bank databases. Unfortunately, Gord and Benny catch Sophie and that bad kid in the basement. Uh-oh!
Back at the office, T.S. speculates that Donald probably abandoned Sophie somewhere in Toronto and then stole her car. Instead of heading out to try to find the missing child and the administrative assistant, T.S. heads to the gym. I guess T.S. really does not like Donald!
Gord and Benny attempt to lock Sophie, Donald, and their landlady up in a crude cell they’ve constructed in the basement. Fortunately, Donald still has his toy dart gun and, by attaching a string to the dart, Sophie is able to snag the key to the cell. After unlocking and opening the cell door, Sophie turns on the computer and uses the magic powers of the modem to send a message to Amy, letting her know that they are being held prisoner in the basement.
T.S. shows up at the house and bangs on the door. “LET ME IN!” he shouts. When Gord and Benny fail to do so, T.S. kicks the door open. “I SAID LET ME IN!” While Gord begs T.S. not to kill him, Sophie uses the dart gun to shoot a rubber dart at Benny. Gord passes out and T.S. throws Benny through a wall.
Yay! This was an incredibly silly episode but I enjoyed it because Sophie got to live every administrative assistant’s dream. She did a good job and so did this episode. It was fun.
Episode 1.16 “Black and White”
(Dir by Don McCutcheon, originally aired on April 25th, 1988)
“In this episode,” Mr. T. tells us, “Amy and I are caught in the middle when Detective Jones takes the law into his own hands.”
If the previous episode gave Sophie her chance in the spotlight, this episode spotlights Detective Jones (played by Ken James). Since the second episode, Detective Jones has been the detective with whom Amy and Turner always seem to end up interacting. He’s also the detective who arrested for T.S. for the crime that T.S. didn’t commit. Needless to say, their relationship is occasionally awkward but, all things considered, surprisingly friendly.
This episode opens with Detective Jones’s wife (Meredith McRae) coming across two teenage boys breaking into her house and getting knocked unconscious as result. Jones, who is out for revenge, thinks that one of the boys was Tom (Nicholas Shields), who is later arrested for another burglary and whose attorney is — you guessed it! — Amy Taler. It turns out that Tom was one of the two teens that broke into Jones’s house but he was not the one who hit Mrs. Jones. This is all something that Jones finds out after he follows Tom to the surprisingly large warehouse that is owned by Tom’s accomplice, the psychotic Len. Fortunately, T.S. also follows Jones to the warehouse and helps him to subdue Len. Tom is given a suspended sentence and Jones and his wife leave for a Miami vacation.
This is a good example of an episode that suffered due to T. and T. having to cram an hour’s worth of story into a 30-minute time slot. This episode certainly had the potential to be interesting, with Detective Jones turning into a vigilante and T.S. Turner sympathizing with Tom because of their shared background as foster children but, with the shortened running time, the whole thing was juts a bit too rushed to be effective.
Next week: T.S. Turner faces off against two rich kids who think that ruining someone else’s life is just a game!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing South Central, which aired, for 10 episodes, on Fox in 1994. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, South Central comes to an end.
Episode 1.9 “Dog”
(Directed by Stan Lathan, originally aired on May 31st, 1994)
Deion finally gets to be the focus of an episode and it’s seriously, the most depressing 30 minutes ever.
After eight episode of never speaking and never smiling, Deion is briefly happy when a stray dog follows him and Andre home. Deion loves playing with the dog and he even starts to bark just like the dog. Joan, however, is not happy about the idea of having the dog in the house. As she sensibly points out, they don’t know if the dog is sick and dog’s are expensive to keep. Still, when she sees how Deion loves the dog, she says that the dog can stay as long as he doesn’t make a mess in the house. Andre agrees to watch over the dog.
Joan leaves for the Co-op, where Bobby has declared the day to be “Black Dollar Day.” Of course, as soon as Joan does leaves the house, the dog makes a mess on the floor. Neither Andre nor his friend Rashad are willing to clean it up, with Andre is more concerned with calling Nicole and begging her to take him back. Finally, Tasha’s friend Shanelle (Shar Jackson) cleans up the mess because she wants to get together with Andre. However, Andre rejects Shanelle, telling her that she needs to have more respect for herself. (Andre wasn’t too concerned about Shanelle’s self-esteem when she was cleaning up after the dog for him.) Later, Andre and Tasha catch Shanelle and Rashad fooling around in Joan’s bedroom. This leads to multiple fights and the dog getting so agitated that it bites Shanelle.
The end result is Shanelle goes to the hospital, animal control takes away the dog, and Deion is left without his only friend. The next morning, Deion steps out of the house and stands on the sidewalk, barking like a dog.
My God, what a depressing show! But I should also add that it was a remarkable well-acted episode, especially the scene in which Joan explained to Deion that the dog wouldn’t be coming back but that the dog was okay and still cared about him. Seriously, I’m tearing up just writing that and I’m not even dog person.
Let’s move on to the series finale.
Episode 1.10 “Date”
(Directed by W.E. Baker, originally aired on June 7th, 1994)
Joan orders Andre and Rashad to take Tasha to the Ujamaa Hi-Life and pushes Deion onto Sweets so that she can have the house to herself for a night. However, almost as soon as the kids leave, Ray (Ken Page) shows up. (Yay! Ray’s back!) Ray sweetly asks Joan if she would like to have dinner with him. They head out to the local catfish place but they discover that there is a 45-minute waiting time for a table. Except …. OH MY GOD, IT’S ISAIAH! Isaiah (Michael Beach) explains that he is friends with the owner of the restaurant and he always has a table. Isaiah invites Joan (and, by extension, Ray) to have dinner with him.
Needless to say, dinner is a bit awkward, with Ray and Isaiah each mentioning that they own multiple homes and tying to impress Joan. Isaiah is as much of a charming jerk as he was the last time he went out with Joan. Ray, once again, promises to always be there for Joan and Andre despite the fact that Joan is obviously not interested in him. As bad as I do feel for Ray, he should realize by this point that Joan doesn’t share his feelings. You can’t create chemistry where there isn’t any.
Meanwhile, at the Co-Op, Rashad and Andre look for dates (which I guess means that Andre is over Nicole) and Tasha eventually cheers up when she gets to perform on stage.
To be honest, it’s a bit of an underwhelming ending for a show that featured so many powerful episodes. The finale feels far more conventional in its humor than the previous episodes and that probably has something to do with the fact that this was the only episode of South Central to not be directed by Stan Lathan. The finale feels more than a bit off when compared to what came before but, at the same time, it’s nice that the show ended with Tasha finally getting a moment to be the center of attention.
South Central only ran for ten episodes and it’s easy to see why it struggled in the ratings. For a comedy, South Central could be a very dark show. There weren’t a lot of standard happy endings to be found in South Central and even the upbeat finale left viewers feeling that things were only going to get more difficult for the Mosely family. Joan is still going to be working herself to death at Ujamaa. Andre is still going to often be his own worse enemy. And, even after performing in front of the entire community, Tasha is still going to be the one who is always expected to sacrifice to help out around the house. This show was all about the small moments of happiness that can be found even in the most difficult of circumstances. Ultimately, though, those moments can only take you so far.
Next week, just in time for October, we start a new Thursday show and it features a ghost! Are you ready for …. Jennifer Slept Here!?
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
It’s time for a Halloween cruise!
Episode 3.8 “Play by Play/Cindy/What’s A Brother For?”
(Dir by James Sheldon and George Tyne, originally aired on October 27th, 1979)
Yes, this episode does feature the Love Boat’s annual Halloween cruise but sadly, it doesn’t do much with the theme. Last season’s Halloween cruise featured Vincent Price as an illusionist. This season, there is a costume ball but it’s mostly just there so that the show can do a take off on Cinderella.
Cindy (Melissa Sue Anderson) is a shy girl who boards the ship with her wicked stepmother (Carolyn Jones) and her two less-than appealing step-sisters (Ronda Bates and Lila Kent). While the stepmother tries to find an eligible bachelor for either one of her biological daughters, Cindy is expected to stay in the cabin and do the laundry. However, Gopher hears Cindy singing Witchcraft and decides that Cindy simply has to sing for “the prince of pop,” Preston Maddox (Frank Sinatra, Jr., who looks like a cross between his father and Jerry Lewis). However, how can Cindy escape from the cabin? Gopher arranges for her to go to the costume ball and he even steals Julia’s Cinderella costume so Cindy can go incognito. Cindy impresses Preston but, when Julie sees that Cindy is wearing her costume, Cindy makes a run for it. She leaves behind one glass slipper and …. well, you know where this is going, right? As everyone disembarks in Los Angeles, Preston has them try to on the slipper. Cindy, however, doesn’t have to try on the slipper to prove her identity. She just has to start singing Witchcraft. By the end of the episode, you’ll wonder if Cindy knows any other songs.
While all that is going on, Bud Pomeroy (Christopher George) and Peggy Rossmore (Lynda Day George) are two sportscasters who work together but actually dislike each other. Peggy thinks Bud is a chauvinist and Bud thinks that Peggy was only hired for her looks. They decide to compete in a series of athletic events to determine who will stay at their station and who will quit. Bud wins at arm wrestling. Peggy wins a 5-mile race around the ship. To determine their third event, Peggy randomly draws a piece of paper from Captain Stubing’s hat and discovers that the next competition will be weight-lifting! When Bud throws his back out, it looks like Cindy is going to win but then Cindy asks Bud to stay and they discover that they actually love each other. Yay! Neither the story nor the characters were that interesting but Christopher George and Lynda Day George were married in real life and they made an attractive couple.
Finally, Tom Benton (Tom Hallick) has devoted his entire life to looking after his brother, Matt (Patrick Wayne), who uses crutches. When Tom meets and falls in love with Kris (Joan Van Ark), Matt realizes that it is time for Tom to move on and find some happiness of his own.
For the most part, this was a typically pleasant episode of The Love Boat but, as a Halloween episode, it was a major disappointment. They should have had some fun with season but, unfortunately, they didn’t. This was like going on a Christmas cruise and not getting any presents.
Through the Shattered Lens 