Kleinschmidt”

Posted on November 20, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance!

Episode 5.6 “Chef’s Special/Beginning Anew/Kleinschmidt”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on October 7th, 1981)

As the passengers board the boat and prepare to set sail, Isaac and Vicki can’t help but notice Gertrude Turner (Trish Noble) and Kurt Kleinschmidt (Siegfried van Kapelhoff). Gertrude is rich, single, and wearing a very valuable ring. Kleinschmidt is a German insurance agent who Gertrude has hired to guard her jewelry, though she later reveals that she’s not really that worried about her jewels but instead, she just enjoys Kleinschmidt’s company.

“That man looks just like Doctor Bricker!” Isaac says.

And yes, it must be said that, despite his thick German accent, Siegfried van Kapelhoff, the actor playing Kleinschmidt, does indeed look a lot like Bernie Kopell, the actor who played Doc Bricker. They’re both tall, thin, in their early 40s, and they even have the same hair color and bone structure. What are the chances of that happening? I mean, seriously….

Wait a minute….

THAT’S NOT SIEGFRIED VAN KAPELHOFF AT ALL!

Just as Gavin MacLeod used to do whenever one of Stubing’s brothers boarded the boat, this episode finds Bernie Kopell playing two roles. Not only does he play Doc Bricker but he also play Kleinschmidt. And yes, there is a scene where Kleinschmidt talks to Doc Bricker. It’s done via split screen and it’s not at all convincing. Bricker doesn’t even appear to be looking at Kleinschmidt while talking to him.

Gertrude’s ring does vanish at one point, which leads to Kleinschmidt interrogating the crew and eventually attempting to arrest Gopher. Of course, the truth of the matter is that Gertrude herself hid the ring so that Kleinschmidt would stay on the boat with her. (Kleinschmidt, feeling insecure about his detective abilities, was originally planning on flying home as soon as the boat docked in Mexico.) When Stubing learns that Gertrude faked the robbery, he is surprisingly understanding, despite the fact that doing so led to Kleinschmidt harassing his entire crew. I’m not sure that I really bought Stubing’s reaction but maybe he just thought Kleinschmidt was Doc in disguise.

The Kleinschmidt story was far more amusing than it really had any right being. That was almost totally due to Bernie Kopell, who seemed to really enjoy the chance to play such an over-the-top character. Kleinschmidt was definitely a bit cartoonish but Kopell’s likability went a long way towards making the character’s stupidity not just tolerable but also kind of sweet.

While all that’s going on, the Love Boat’s chef (Jay Johnson) gets upset when a new chef (Leslie Easterbrook) is hired to work in the kitchen with him. This storyline requires the audience to believe that 1) no one would bother to warn the original chef that he’s getting a new colleague and 2) that the new chef would risk ruining her reputation just to avoid hurting her predecessor’s feelings. The less said about this story the better.

Finally, Jenny Langley (Joan Fontaine) boards the cruise and is stunned to see that her former lover, Stan Ellis (Richard Basehart), is on the boat. Jenny and Stan haven’t seen each other since the end of World War II. Now, Stan is a widower who has been in a wheelchair ever since the car accident that killed his wife. Jenny tries to help Stan come out of his shell and find the courage to embrace life. Stan is resistant but finally comes around. But when Stan asks Jenny to marry him, Jenny refuses. Jenny is going blind. Stan, however, doesn’t care about that. And, also …. Stan can walk! It turns out that his paralysis was just psychosomatic.

This storyline was one that I probably would have liked better if I hadn’t found myself thinking about my Dad whenever Stan was onscreen. (Before he died, my Dad was also in a wheelchair as the result of a traffic accident.) I will say that Joan Fontaine is wonderful in her role. This storyline was handled well but right now, the pain of losing my Dad is still too fresh for me to have really enjoyed it. That said, Fontaine and Basehart were old pros at this type of melodrama and this storyline had a lot to offer fans of old school romance. This was definitely a storyline for the TCM crowd and I mean that as a compliment!

With two stories that worked and a third one that wasn’t too much of a distraction, this was a worthwhile cruise.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.4 “The Incredible Hunk/Isaac, the Marriage Counselor/Jewels & Jim”

Posted on November 6, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, The Love Boat sets sail without a laugh track and things get awkward.

Episode 5.4 “The Incredible Hunk/Isaac, the Marriage Counselor/Jewels & Jim”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on October 24th, 1981)

Julie has hired a new entertainer for this cruise. His name is Hank Austin (Brian Kerwin) and he’s a teacher-by-day and a dancer-by-night. Julie has never actually seen Hank perform but Hank’s agent assured Julie that he’s amazing. How will Julie (and Captain Stubing) react when Hank turns out to be a …. STRIPPER!?

Even more importantly, how will the head of Hank’s PTA react? Shelley (Christopher Norris) is also a passenger on the boat and she and Hank take an immediate liking to each other. Fortunately, for Hank, Shelley does not see his performance but afterwards, she tells Hank that she’s heard a lot of people talking about how there’s a male stripper on the ship. Hank laughs it off. But then Julie walks up to Shelley and starts to complain about Hank’s act, which is seriously immature of her. I mean, Julie doesn’t even know Shelley but Julie still acts like she’s morally offended that Shelley would associate with someone with whom Julie is upset. It’s seriously out-of-character for Julie and it made me wonder if maybe Julie picked up some coke when the ship was docked at Acapulco.

Don’t worry, though. Julie eventually apologizes for lashing out and Shelley and Hank leave the ship together. From now on, the only stripping that Hank will be doing will be at PTA meetings.

Things also work out for Frank Dalton (Flip Wilson). Frank boards the ship and tells Isaac that he changed Frank’s life. Isaac has no idea who Frank is. Frank explains that he took the same cruise last year. He had a fight with his wife and went into the Pirate’s Cove for a drink. Frank told Isaac his problems. Isaac told him that sometimes, a man just has to put his foot down. Frank took Isaac’s advice and, as a result, his wife left him. Now, Frank is single and suicidal. Isaac tries to set Frank up with some other passengers. When that doesn’t work, Isaac calls Frank’s ex-wife and convinces her to board the boat in Acapulco and take him back. Frank and Janet (Marla Gibbs) are reunited. Good work, Isaac!

Finally, a jewel thief named Jim Pickett (Michael Zaslow) boards the boat. He just wants to steal a valuable necklace but instead, he ends up falling in love with Lilia Chandler (Joan Van Ark). When Jim does steal a necklace from Mrs. Landers (Henny Backus), he gives it to Lila. However, when it looks like Jim’s going to get caught by the Captain, Lila gives the necklace back to Mrs. Landers. It turns out that Lila is a jewel thief as well! She was going to let Jim steal the necklace for her but then she fell in love with him. The two reformed thieves leave the ship as a couple.

This was a weird episode because there was no laugh track. There was several moments where it was obvious that a laugh track was meant to be heard but instead of canned laughter, there was only dead air. It made the entire episode feel a bit awkward. Laugh tracks are definitely dork and corny but then again, so is The Love Boat. If anything, The Love Boat is one of the rare shows that benefitted from having a laugh track. It’s absence made the entire cruise feel weird.

As for the guest stars and their stories, I liked Michael Zaslow and Joan Van Ark. They had an enjoyable chemistry. The other two stories weren’t that interesting. The male stripper story only succeeded in making Julie look totally incompetent at her job. She got mad at Hank for being a stripper but did it seriously not occur to her to ask what type of dancing he actually did before booking him? As for the other story, it was just depressing. A laugh track would have helped….

This was just not a very good cruise, I’m afraid. It happens. Hopefully, next week will be better.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.28 “Tony and Julie/Separate Beds/America’s Sweetheart”

Posted on October 16, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, season 4 comes to an end!

Episode 4.28 “Tony and Julie/Separate Beds/America’s Sweetheart”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on May 16th, 1981)

Wedding bells are in the air!

Carl Mitchell (William Christopher) boards the boat without his wife. As he explains to Gopher and Isaac, he was married when he booked the cruise but now he’s not married because his wife was too much of a slob. However, Carl is still determined to take his cruise and enjoy himself. As soon as Carl goes off to find his cabin, his wife, Lynn (Toni Tennille), boards the ship and tells Gopher and Isaac that she just broke up with her neat freak husband but she’s determined to go ahead and take the cruise that they booked before their break-up.

Carl and Lynn are not happy to discover that they’re both on the cruise and that they’re sharing a cabin. Carl wants to date a younger woman. Lynn flirts with Doc Bricker. Of course, Carl and Lynne are still in love with each other. Lynn decides to win Carl back by cleaning up the cabin. Carl decides to win back Lynn by messing the cabin up. It’s like the most pointless story that O. Henry never wrote. The important thing is that Carl and Lynn decide to give their marriage another chance.

(Personally, I couldn’t live with someone messy. And Lynn really does just toss stuff all over the place. I think they should get a divorce.)

While this is going on, Vicki is super-excited when her favorite actress, Becky Daniels (Alison Angrim), boards the boat. But Becky is actually a spoiled brat and, when she hires Vicki to serve as her stand-in for a movie that’s being shot on the boat, she goes out of her way to make sure that Vicki is humiliated. Vicki is briefly disillusioned with Hollywood, until Becky apologizes and she and Vicki become friends. Okay, then. Glad that worked out!

Meanwhile, Julie is late arriving at the boat because she’s been busy visiting her aunt (a glowering Nancy Kulp). She even gets into an argument over a cab with Tony Selkirk (Anthony Andrews), a veterinarian. Julie wins the argument and the cab but imagine her shock when Tony turns out to be a passenger on the boat! She’s even more shocked when she sees Tony walking around with two chimpanzees. Of course, as you’ve probably already guessed, Tony and Julie fall in love. And Tony asks Julie to marry him. And Julie says yes!

And that’s where season 4 ends.

Is this the end of Julie’s tenure as cruise director? I guess we’ll find out next week. As for this episode, it was pleasant-enough way to end the fourth season. The stories did not particularly interest me but the Love Boat crew has become a strong enough ensemble that the show is no longer as dependent on its guest stars as it used to be. This episode, I enjoyed watching the crew more than the passengers. Seriously, I want to take a cruise now.

Next week, we start season 5!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.18 “Aquaphobiac/Humpty Dumpty/The Starmaker”

Posted on June 19, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week …. it’s one of the best episodes of The Love Boat ever!

Episode 4.18 “Aquaphobiac/Humpty Dumpty/The Starmaker”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 7th, 1981)

David Hasselhoff boards The Love Boat, for the second time!

This time around, the Hoff is playing Brian Kiley. Brian and Julie went to college together. Brian was the star quarterback and, as he explains it, he and Julie were a pretty serious couple at the time. But, in the end, Brian ended up marrying Julie’s roommate and his own playing days came to a premature end when he broke his arm. Now, he’s on the Love Boat and he wants to not only get back together with Julie but he also wants to make a comeback in the NFL!

Julie is tempted. How couldn’t she be tempted by the Hoff? But watching Brian talk about his glory days on the football field, she realizes that he’s living in the past and, to an extent, so is she. Brian is, at first, upset by Julie’s feelings but then he realizes that she’s right. He makes peace with his years as a famous quarterback and he leaves the boat not as Julie’s lover but as her good friend….

MY GOD, JULIE — IT’S THE HOFF IN HIS GLORY DAYS! WHO CARES IF HE TALKS ABOUT FOOTBALL!? CHASE AFTER HIM!

The Pointer Sisters also board the ship, this time as employees of the cruise. Isaac want to impress a talent agent (Jeff Cooper) so he recruits the sisters to serve as his backing vocalists. After seeing them perform, the talent agent is impressed but only by the sisters. They get a recording contract while Isaac …. well, Isaac goes back to pouring drinks. POOR ISAAC! But give credit to Ted Lange, who brought a lot of sincere feeling to what could have been a throwaway storyline.

Finally, Glenn Dobson (Louis Nye) and his fiancée, Vanessa (Audra Lindley), board the boat so that they can get to know each other before the wedding. Glenn has severe aquaphobia and cannot bring himself to take off his inflatable life jacket. Vanessa tries to help him conquer his fear but nothing helps. Glenn fears all the other passengers are laughing at him. So, the crew and the passengers all put on their own life jackets to show Glenn that he has nothing to be ashamed of.

“Tonight,” Stubing announces, “we are truly a boat of love.”

Awwwwww! Seriously, who would have guessed that The Love Boat would make me cry? This was such a sweet story and both Louis Nye and Audra Lindley really seemed to be invested in their characters. When Glenn finally removed his life vest and took a few stumbling steps into the pool, I wanted to cheer.

What a great cruise this turned out to be!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.13 “Isaac’s Teacher/Seal of Approval/The Curse of Dumbrowskis”

Posted on April 24, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Get ready for a very odd cruise!

Episode 4.13 “Isaac’s Teacher/Seal of Approval/The Curse of the Dumbrowskis”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on January 10th, 1981)

This is a weird episode.

Harriet (Florence Henderson) boards the ship with her husband, Harold Rogers (Jeffrey Tambor). Now, the idea of Florence Henderson and Jeffrey Tambor as a married couple may sound strange but it’s even stranger when you actually see it. Henderson and Tambor have absolutely zero chemistry together. Tambor looks more like Henderson’s no-good stepson than her husband.

Harriet is convinced that she is destined to die at an early age so she continually pressures Harold to find a woman that he can marry after she’s gone. In fact, Harriet thinks that maybe Harold could marry another passenger on the boat, Cindy (Christina Hart). Harold is getting frustrated with the pressure that Harriet is putting on him to find a new lover. Doc Bricker suggests that maybe Harold should make Harriet jealous by cheating on her with Cindy. What? I mean, I’m not surprised that Doc would make that suggestion but it is a bit odd that the show itself seems to think that this is a good idea. Harold goes along with the idea because, even if Harriet doesn’t get jealous, he’ll still get to sleep with Cindy. Wait. What?

Harriet is okay with Harold cheating on her until Harold says that he wants to give her favorite necklace to Cindy. Harriet realizes that she’s not okay with Harold giving her jewelry to his adulterous lover and she decides that she’ll no longer pressure Harold to find a new wife. They leave the ship with their marriage stronger than ever. Doc saves the day!

Meanwhile, Karen (Georgia Engel) boards the boat and immediately falls for Oscar Tilton (Donald O’Connor). Now, as mismatched as Florence Henderson and Jeffrey Tambor are, they seem like soulmates compared to Georgia Engel and Donald O’Connor. For one thing, O’Connor appears to be about 20 years older than Georgia Engel. Secondly, Donald O’Connor’s ebullient style clashes wildly with Georgia Engel’s inability to speak above a whisper.

Oscar is an entertainer who is traveling with his seal, Shirley. When Shirley sees that Oscar and Karen are falling in love, Shirley gets jealous and throws herself overboard. She leaves behind her rubber ball, apparently as a way to taunt Oscar. Oscar is depressed. How can he do his act without Shirley? Karen encourages him by telling him that he doesn’t need the seal to be entertaining. Gopher even helps out by playing the horns that Shirley would have played had she not jumped into the ocean….

I am not making this up.

Anyway, good news all around. Shirley survives jumping into the ocean and swims back to Oscar’s beach house. Shirley shows up when the boat docks in Los Angeles. Oscar tells Shirley that Karen is going to be a part of his life from now on. Shirley claps her fins, indicating that she approves.

NO, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!

All I can say is thank goodness for Lillian Gish. Gish plays Mrs. Williams, who boards the boat with her hulking nephew (Reb Brown). Mrs. Williams is also Isaac’s former teacher. Isaac is insecure about just being a bartender and pretends, with Gopher’s help, to be the ship’s first officer. Captain Stubing is not amused. Isaac tells Mrs. Williams the truth and Mrs. Williams replies that she is proud of Isaac, no matter what he does for a living.

Awwwwwwww!

This was a really simple story but it was sweet. Lillian Gish’s natural class provided a balance to Jeffrey Tambor cheating on Florence Henderson and Donald O’Connor’s seal trying to scare off Georgia Engel. And Ted Lange — seriously, episodes like this remind the viewer of how lucky The Love Boat was to have him. Yes, everyone knows that pointing thing that he does. But Lange also played Isaac as being a genuinely nice guy. I don’t drink but if I did, I would want Isaac to be my bartender.

Again, this episode was weird but at least it gave Lillian Gish and Ted Lange a chance to shine.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.12 “Doc’s Dismissal/A Frugal Pair/The Girl Next Door”

Posted on April 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Doc’s in trouble!

Episode 4.12 “Doc’s Dismissal/A Frugal Pair/The Girl Next Door”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 3rd, 1981)

Carl (Lew Ayres) and his wife, Violet (Janet Gaynor), board the boat in a good mood. Carl has just retired from the post office and they’re about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Awwwww! Carl and Violet are the sweetest couple ever, frequently referring to each other by pet names. They’re also very frugal. Violet brings her own tea bag on board. Carl turns down a bottle of champagne. They are a nice old couple who know the value of pinching a penny.

But, on the morning of their anniversary, Violet tells Carl a secret and everything changes. It turns out that Violet has been buying stock for years. She based her purchases on whatever pet name Carl used for her that day. If the name started with a G, she bought General Motors. If it started with an S, she bought Standard Oil. Once, Carl used a name that started with a “Z,” and she bought stock in Xerox. She explains that she didn’t know how Xerox was spelled at the time. (So, how did she buy the stock?) Anyway, the important thing is that Carl and Violet are rich and they have been for several decades.

Carl is upset by this news. If he had known he was rich, he wouldn’t have spent years at the post office! I see his point though, to be honest, they’re not that rich. The total stock portfolio is only worth $200,000. Still, Carl and Violet stop speaking to each other. Julie, Isaac, and Gopher jump into action and throw them an anniversary party, which causes Carl and Violet to remember how much they love each other.

Meanwhile, Charley Cole (Sal Viscuso) tells Pam Madison (Lynda Goodfriend) that he’s with the CIA so that she’ll let him stay in her cabin so that he can spy on his girlfriend (Denise DuBarry) and the guy (Stephen Shortridge) with whom she is cheating. Got all that? This storyline was incredibly dumb but it was saved by the frantic performance of Sal Viscuso, who managed to make even the lamest of lines seem funny.

Finally, Sally (Jessica Walter) boards the ship with her lout of a husband, Hank (Alex Cord). Hank is the type of jerk who looks at other women while his wife is sitting right next to him. Complaining of a headache, Sally goes to Doc Bricker’s cabin for some aspirin. Doc, who has witnessed Hank’s bad behavior, is sympathetic to Sally. Later, Sally tries to make Hank jealous by saying that Doc hit on her when she went to see him.

Angered, Hank calls the captain and accuses Doc of sexually harassing his wife. The Captain is forced to suspend Doc from his duties until an investigation can be launched. The crew is shocked. Doc would never hit on a patient, they all say. Except, of course, Doc does exactly that every single episode! Seriously, Doc is a walking HR nightmare. (Fortunately, for Doc, he was played by the always likable Bernie Kopell.) When the captain makes it clear that Doc could be fired and lose his medical license, Sally admits that he never hit on her. Doc keeps his job and somehow, all of this fixes Sally and Hank’s marriage. Later, Gopher and Isaac joke about how Doc got in trouble for the one time he “didn’t hit on a passenger.” Gopher and Isaac aren’t blind to what’s happening.

This was a surprisingly effective episode. Lew Ayres and Janet Gaynor were adorable and Jessica Walter’s intense, method performance as a desperately unhappy wife provided a good change-of-pace from all of the usual Love Boat goofiness. Even with all of the CIA nonsense, this was an entertaining cruise.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.11 “That’s My Dad/Captive Audience/The Captain’s Bird”

Posted on April 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Merry Christmas!

Episode 4.11 “That’s My Dad/Captive Audience/The Captain’s Bird”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on December 20th, 1980)

It’s time for the Love Boat’s annual Christmas cruise and, appropriately enough, this cruise is all about family.

For instance, Captain Stubing has decided that the perfect Christmas gift for Vicki would be a parrot. After the bird is brought on board, Stubing decides that the perfect place to hide it would be in Gopher’s cabin. Gopher goes along with this because it’s something of a miracle that he hasn’t been fired yet. I mean, when you’ve screwed up as much as Gopher has, you’re not really in a position to argue with your boss. The only problem with all of this is that the parrot won’t talk. Stubing isn’t happy about that so Isaac and Gopher try to teach the bird to sing a Christmas carol. Instead, the bird starts saying, “Captain Stubing is a jerk!” Uh-oh!

Meanwhile, singer Bobby Braddock (Jack Jones, who sang The Love Boat theme song) boards the ship with his wife, Susan (Laraine Stephens). What Bobby doesn’t know is that his father, Richard (Allan Jones), and his mother, Lil (Dorothy Lamour), are also on the ship. Bobby got his start as a part of Richard’s act and Richard has never forgiven Bobby for going solo. Julie, Lil, and Susan all hope that they can bring father and son back together again. Needless to say, Richard doesn’t appreciate being tricked into boarding a boat with his son. He grimaces while listening to Bobby sing Winter Wonderland and then storms out of the lounge when Julie asks him to join his son on stage. Merry Christmas, I guess!

Still, as bad as Bobby Braddock has it, it’s nothing compared to what’s going on with young Scotty (Meeno Peluce). Looking to escape an abusive life at home, Scotty sneaks on board the ship by telling the crew that another passenger, Jeff Dalton (Dirk Benedict), is his father. Scotty then proceeds to follow Jeff around the boat. Jeff has no idea that everyone thinks that he is Scotty’s father. When Jeff meets a woman and politely tells Scotty to scram, the crew is scandalized. When Stubing sees the bruises on Scotty’s back, he assumes that Jeff is responsible.

Well, don’t worry. Things may look bleak at the halfway mark but everything works out in the end. Jeff realizes that maybe he would like to be a father to a random runaway. Richard realizes that he can forgive his son for wanting to make his own way. Crew members dress up like Santa Claus and Vicki has a happy holiday on the ocean.

You know what? This was a silly episode but I enjoyed it. I’m a sucker for Christmas episodes and this one had enough comedy and drama to keep me entertained and the story involving Scotty and Jeff even touched my heart a little. This was definitely a cruise worth taking.