Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.8 “Crescendo/Three Feathers”

Posted on January 9, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, we get one good fantasy and one bad fantasy and a reminder that anything can happen on Fantasy Island!

Episode 4.8 “Crescendo/Three Feathers”

(Dir by Michael Preece, originally aired on December 20th, 1980)

This episode confirms that Fantasy Island is the strangest place on Earth.

Our first fantasy features Toni Tennille as a world-famous singer named Susan Lohmann. Susan has been invited meet her favorite composer and songwriter, Edmund Dumont (Monte Markham). Dumont lives in seclusion on Fantasy Island, in an estate that is surrounded by wild animals and where he is tended by a blind butler (James Hong).

Susan is excited to meet Edmund, until she walks in on him playing his piano and discovers that he’s a …. BEAST! Though he has the body of a human, he has the face of a wolf. It turns out that Edmund lives in seclusion because he feels that the world would never accept his appearance. And Susan promptly proves him correct by screaming and demanding to leave. Susan flees the estate.

Susan’s manager is glad that Susan is free because now she can appear in concert in London. However, Mr. Roarke informs Susan that Edmund suffers from a curse and the only thing that could have cured him would have been the love of Susan. Edmund is now determined to die, surrounded by the animals on his estate, the only creatures who accepted him. Susan, realizing that she was a little bit hard on a guy who couldn’t help his appearance, returns to the estate, gives Edmund a kiss, and Edmund turns into a handsome guy. Yay!

So, there’s a huge problem here. Susan Lohmann is incredibly unlikable. Yes, Edmund may look different. But all Edmund did was invited her to his estate so that he could express his appreciation for the way the she sings his songs. Susan claims that Edmund should have told her, in advance, about the way he looked. Yes, Susan, God forbid someone unattractive appreciate your talent or have any talent of his own. Seriously, Susan was the worst.

Slightly more likable is Alan Colshaw (Hugh O’Brian), a pilot who has spent a year feeling like a coward. He was piloting a plane that crashed in the jungle. Alan went for help and, according to the three other passengers (played by Diane Baker, James Wainwright, and Peter Lawford), he never returned and, instead, he ran off with a stash of diamonds that was on the plane. Alan says that he is sure he didn’t intentionally desert them but he can’t remember for sure because he’s been suffering from memory loss.

Mr. Roarke gives Alan a medallion, one that will allow him and the others to see what happened when the plane crashed. As for Alan, he brings along three white feathers, which he plans to give to each of the survivors as a way to symbolize that he’s not the coward that they think he is. (Yes, it doesn’t make much sense to me, either.)

Lena (Diane Baker) is the first to forgive Alan. Alan realizes that he’s in love with Lena and he tells Mr. Roarke that he wants to change his fantasy. He just wants to spend the rest of his life with Lena. Roarke informs Alan that he can’t do that because …. ALAN IS DEAD! He died while trying to get help after the crash. Alan has come back to life for the weekend so that his spirit can find peace.

That’s a pretty neat twist and, to its credit, the show sticks with it. Alan eventually proves that he wasn’t a coward and that another one of the passengers stole the diamonds and then he vanishes into the afterlife.

“Boss,” Tattoo says, “you mean he was a …. g-g-ghost!?”

“Oh, Tattoo!” Roarke snaps, “Please do not tell me that you are prejudiced!”

Fantasy Island may be a strange place but some things — like Roarke passive aggressively attacking Tattoo — never change.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

Posted on August 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

The past two weeks of Fantasy Island saw Mr. Roarke getting married (and losing his wife) and Tattoo getting his heart broken. Will this week’s episode be just as dramatic? Read on to find out!

Episode 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

(Dir by Gene Nelson, originally aired on November 17th, 1979)

For the third week in a row, this episode of Fantasy Island features Mr. Roarke and Tattoo heading straight to the docks so that they can meet their guests without making any time for any Roarke/Tattoo banter. On the one hand, the scenes where Tattoo would tell Roarke about his latest scheme were always a bit awkward because of the obvious bad feelings between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize. On the other hand, they did reveal that Tattoo had a life outside of just following around Mr. Roarke. I will be a little bit sad if they’re gone forever.

As for this week’s fantasies, neither one adds up too much.

Big Jake Farley (Max Baer, Jr.) is a big, strapping cowboy who will tell anyone who will listen that he’s from “Big D.” (“It’s a mite south of Heaven.”) I’m from Big D too and I will admit that I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to the whole “All Texans are cowboys” stereotype so I pretty much spent this entire fantasy in cringe mode. Big Jake wants to meet Valeska de Marco (Carol Lynley), the ballerina whose hard work and perfectionism inspired him when he was just a penniless cowpoke. Now that Big Jake is a wealthy rancher and oilman, he wants to marry Valeska and take her back to the ranch. Unfortunately, Valeska is already engaged to Stuffy Q. Borington III (Howard Morton). When Valeska suffers a career ending injury, will Big Jake be able to convince her to come open an acting school in Big D and will Mr. Roarke help everyone’s fantasy come true?

You already know the answer. Everyone gets a happy ending on Fantasy Island, except for that time Mr. Roarke got married.

Eh. Considering that this fantasy combined several of my favorite things — ballet, Texas, tropical islands — it’s a bit of a shock just how boring it turned out to be. The main problem was that there was zero chemistry between Baer and Lynley. Both of them came across as if they would rather be anywhere but on Fantasy Island.

As for the other fantasy, it featured Toni Tennille as Betty Foster, a former fast food worker turned private investigator. Her fantasy was to solve a big case. With Roarke’s help, Betty was hired by Contessa Christina Kastronova (Stepfanie Kramer) to accompany the Contessa to the reading her cousin’s will. The Contessa felt her cousin had been murdered and she feared she might be next. Betty pretended to be the Contessa during both the reading of the will and the subsequent night spent in a scary, dark house with all of the Contessa’s relatives. Anyway, Dick Sargent turned out to be the murderer and Betty realized that she’d rather marry one of the Contessa’s relatives than continue on as a private eye.

As far as this fantasy went, I liked the scary house and I found the scene where Roarke and Tattoo debated which one of them should stay behind with Betty to be amusing. (Tattoo, of course, ended up having to stay.) But the mystery didn’t add up too much. To be honest, as soon as Dick Sargent showed up, I knew he was going to be the bad guy. I mean, I’ve seen Clonus.

Especially when compared to the previous two episodes, this episode was fairly forgettable. Everyone got their fantasy but no one made much of an impression.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.22 “The Comic/The Golden Hour”

Posted on May 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Fantasy Island brings us a mix of crime and comedy!

Episode 2.22 “The Comic/The Golden Hour”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired May 5th, 1979)

Since this series began, I’ve been wondering what the legal status of Fantasy Island is. Is it a territory of the United States? Is it a part of the British Commonwealth? Is it an independent nation? Finally, in this episode, the question is answered. Fantasy Island is an independent nation, though one that appears to be closely aligned to the United States. And Mr. Roarke is the sole legal authority. In short, Mr. Roarke is a bit of a dictator and the Island’s laws are pretty much determined by his whims.

This becomes apparent when a plane is forced to make an emergency landing on the island. The plane is carrying a prisoner named Mike Banning (Michael Parks) to the United States. When Federal Marshall Victor Grennan (Morgan Woodward) announces that there is no way he’s going to let Mike out of his handcuffs, Mr. Roarke announces that he’s in charge of the Island and, on the Island, no one is handcuffed. Reluctantly, Grennan sets Mike free.

It also turns out that Mr. Roarke had a specific reason for wanting Mike on the island. While in prison, he developed a pen pal relationship with a woman named Sandy Larson (Toni Tennille). Mike’s letters provided a lot of comfort to Sandy after an auto accident left her in a wheelchair. In fact, Sandy is in love with Mike and she’s on the Island! Roarke arranges for Mike and Sandy to finally meet face-to-face. Unfortunately, Sandy is self-conscious about her wheelchair and Mike feels like he’s a loser with no future. Mike even tries to escape at one point, running through the jungle until he’s eventually captured by the Marshal. Still, despite all of that, Mike and Sandy realize that they really do love each other. Mike is willing to finish out his three years in prison if it means that Sandy will be waiting for him on the outside. Fortunately, a bit Deus ex Machina comes into play as evidence is miraculously found that proves that Mike wrongfully convicted. Yay!

While all of that’s going on, joke writer Jerry Burton (Fred Grandy) fantasizes about quitting his job working for comedic legend Danny Baker (Jack Carter) and instead pursuing a stand-up career of his own. Mr. Roarke arranges for Jerry to perform at a bar on the northside of the Island. Roarke explains that the bar is popular with the workers at the local pineapple plantation. (See? We’re learning even more about the Island!) However, when the bar is shut down due to a brawl, Jerry instead finds himself performing at the big Fantasy Island talent show. In fact, he’ll even be substituting for Danny, who was scheduled to host but has been held up on another part of the Island.

At first, Jerry bombs. He has no confidence. But then Danny joins him on stage and they bring down the house. Jerry and Danny arrived on the Island as employee and employer but now, they’re leaving a comedy team. Yay! Plus. Jerry reconnects with his old high school girlfriend (Pat Klous). Yay again!

The comedy stuff was fun, largely because Fred Grandy was as likable and goofy here as he was as Gopher on the The Love Boat. However, what really made this episode memorable was the method intensity that Michael Parks brought to the role of Mike Banning. While all the other guest stars goof around and enjoy the scenery, Parks plays his role with a seething rage. It’s unexpected but it works.

All in all, this was a good episode. The combination of Fred Grandy and Michael Parks turned out to be just what Fantasy Island needed.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.6 “Mike and Ike / The Witness / The Kissing Bandit”

Posted on March 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, I learned that there’s no way to escape the Bradys!

Episode 2.6 “Mike and Ike / The Witness / The Kissing Bandit”

(Dir by Allen Baron and Roger Duchowny, originally aired on October 21st, 1978)

This week, The Love Boat continued to be a floating HR nightmare as Newton Weems (a very young Billy Crytsal) donned a mask and spent his nights running around the ship and kissing every single woman that he came across. Fortunately, Newton’s such a fantastic kisser that no one demands that the police be alerted. Unfortunately, with every woman on board eager to get kissed, that means that no one is reacting to the lame flirtations of Doc, Gopher, and the Captain. The Captain decides that the best way catch the Kissing Bandit would be to use Julie as a decoy. If I was Julie, I would point out how reasonable I was about the Captain’s uncle and demand more money. Instead, Julie allows herself to be kissed and soon, she’s in love with the Kissing Bandit as well.

However, Newton eventually realizes that he’s actually in love with another passenger, Roberta (Laurie Walters), and that he doesn’t have to wear a mask to be romantic. Though this disappoints his biggest fans (played by Nancy Kulp, Pat Carroll, and Sharon Acker), it does make the rest of the crew happy. It seems like the Captain should be worrying more about running the ship than hitting on every woman who comes aboard but I guess big luxury liners pretty much run themselves.

While this was going on, Isaac was reconnecting with his old friends, Lenore (Marilyn McCoo) and Mike (Billy Davis, Jr.). When they were younger, they used to perform on street corners for spare change. Now, Mike is an executive vice president and he’s so work-obsessed and stuffy that his own son (Todd Bridges) thinks that his father doesn’t love him! Fortunately, things work out in the end. Mike realizes that there are things more important than business. Ted Lange gets to show off his dance moves, though it’s hard to forget that Isaac once accused another passenger of being a sell-out for doing the same thing.

Finally, Frank McLean (Robert Reed) is taking a cruise so that he can avoid testifying in a murder trial. He is spotted by Suzanne (Toni Tennille), who knows Frank from the old neighborhood. At first, Frank denies even being from New York but, eventually, he tells Suzanne his story. Suzanne falls for Frank but she has a secret of her own. By Love Boat standards, this story is fairly dramatic but it ultimately fails because there’s not a hint of chemistry between Reed and Tennille. In fact, Robert Reed looks even more miserable after he falls in love than he did before.

On a personal note, I just can’t escape The Brady Bunch, can I? Last week, even as I was finishing up The Brady Bunch Hour, Robert Reed showed up on Fantasy Island. This week, Eve Plumb went to the island while Robert Reed boarded the ship. There’s just no way to escape those Bradys!