The Man in Her Life”

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, it’s a double length episode of The Love Boat as the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders take over the cruise!

Episodes 3.10 and 3.11 “The Love Lamp Is Lit/Critical Success/Rent a Family/Take My Boyfriend, Please/The Man in Her Life”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 10th, 1979)

This episode features the first time that Jill Whelan (as Vicki) is included in the opening credits and what an episode to be included in! It’s time for a special charity cruise of the Love Boat! In order to raise money for an orphanage in Mexico, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders will be performing on the boat!

I don’t really follow football but I do know that both the Cowboys and their cheerleaders were really popular back in the 70s and 80s. (Living in Texas, I’ve become very good at sympathetically nodding whenever anyone starts talking about frustrated they are with the Cowboys.) Still, the idea of the cheerleaders performing on a cruise ship for a charity drive seems a little off. I mean, shouldn’t they be cheering at a football game? As I always do when it come to things involving cheerleaders, I asked my sister Erin if any of this made sense to her. Erin suggested that I not worry about it because it’s The Love Boat. And really, she has a point. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders marching onto the boat in full uniform and practicing their routines by the pool makes about as much sense as 11 year-old Vicki suddenly living on a cruise ship. With The Love Boat, you just have to kind of go with it.

The Cheerleaders play themselves, with three of them getting storylines of their own and I will say that they all came across as being likable and natural in their performances. I always kind of dread any episode that features celebrities playing themselves because just because someone is famous, that doesn’t mean they’re going to be a good actor. (I still remember all of those stiff basketball player cameos on Hang Time.) But the cheerleaders all do a good job, even if none of them are given particularly challenging roles.

Stacy (Tami Barber), for instance, is shocked when Mark Scott (Stephen Shortridge) boards the cruise. Mark was someone who pursued her in Dallas but she wanted nothing to do with him. However, on the boat, Mark shows that he’s a nice guy underneath his smooth exterior. He even choreographs a new routine for the charity performance. Good for him!

Wendy Ames (Gaye Carter) boards the boat with her mother, Helen (Dina Merrill) and Helen’s boyfriend, Bill (William Windom). Helen gets jealous of the amount of time that Wendy and Bill are spending together and, when she sees the two of them looking at wedding rings, she decides that they’re having an affair! No, Helen — Bill wants to marry you! This whole storyline was silly, to be honest. Helen just came across as being unnaturally paranoid.

Lisa (Kim Kilway) meets and falls for Paul (Bill Daily), who is the newest vice president of the greeting card company that is sponsoring the cruise. Paul loves Lisa to but he has a problem. He’s traveling with his fake family! Why does Paul have a fake family? Apparently, Paul’s boss (John Hillerman) only hires family men. (That sounds like a lawsuit in the making.) Paul recruited a fake wife (Roz Kelly), mother (Patsy Kelly), and son (Jackie Earle Haley, who appears to be having a lot of fun playing bratty) to pretend to be his family. The truth comes out, of course. Fortunately, Lisa is remarkably forgiving and Paul avoids getting fired by promising to marry and start a family with Lisa as quickly as possible. Again, this all sounds like the beginning of Supreme Court case.

Among the non-cheerleaders, Lou (Larry Linville) and Nora (Gunilla Hutton) are two jewel thieves who board the boat so that they can find some diamonds they hid the last time they took a cruise. They hid the diamonds in a lamp and it turns out that the lamp is now in the possession of a member of the crew. This leads to Nora flirting with Gopher, Isaac, and Doc and then quickly abandoning them once it becomes clear that they don’t have the lamp. (These scenes were fun, largely because of Gunilla Hutton’s comedic timing.) Finally, Lou and Nora get the diamonds but they have a change of heart and, along with declaring their love for each other, Lou and Nora also donate the $500,000 that they’re going to make from selling the diamonds to the orphanage! Yay! Assuming that Lou and Nora don’t get arrested while trying to fence the stolen merchandise, the orphanage will greatly benefit.

Meanwhile, an acerbic theatrical critic (Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.) tries to get an actress (Ginger Rogers) to agree to appear in his new play. In the end, they realize they’re in love and Ginger Rogers sings Love Will Keep Us Together.

There was a lot going on in this episode but it was enjoyably silly in the way that the best episodes of The Love Boat usually are. It was excessive and ridiculous, but fun. On The Love Boat could you get Jackie Earle Haley mocking his fake father while Ginger Rogers sang a song. This was an enjoyable episode and it did Dallas proud.

Horror Scenes That I Love: Godzilla in Godzilla vs. Megalon

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s Horror Scene That I Love, let’s take a minute or two to show some respect to one of the world’s greatest (and longest-lived) film stars, Godzilla! Whether he’s attacking humanity as the literal representation of atomic age anxiety or if he’s saving Earth from a bunch of aliens, Godzilla has always been a superstar.

In this scene from 1973’s Godzilla vs. Megalon, Godzilla shows just how much of a star he is by taking a stand against bullying and saving his friend, Jet Jaguar. In this scene, Godzilla shows that he was an anti-bullying activist even before it was cool. Megalon and his friend thought they could just taunt poor old Jet Jaguar. Not as long as Godzilla’s around!

October True Crime: House on The Hill (dir by Jeffrey Frentzen)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

2012’s House on the Hill is loosely based on the true story of Leonard Lake and Charles Ng, two of the worst serial killers to ever haunt California.

Two former Marines who met after Ng placed an advertisement in a survivalist magazine, Lake and Ng lived together on an isolated tract of land. Underneath their cabin, they constructed a dungeon. Over the next year, they murdered a countless number of people in their dungeon and buried their remains. Lake and Ng killed anyone they came across, including several people who had previously been friends of Lake’s. (Ng apparently didn’t have any friends to kill.) Though they were officially accused of committing eleven murders, it’s felt that the number was probably much higher. The two of them videotaped their crimes. Ng kept a detailed and graphic journal in which he gloated about all of the people who he had killed. Lake made videos in which he explained his philosophy and expounded on why he felt that he deserved a slave. Eventually, Lake committed suicide after he was arrested on a shop lifting charge. Ng fled to Canada but was eventually sent back to the United States. He currently sits on California’s inactive death row.

In the film, Sonia (Naidra Dawn Thompson) is visited at her home by Paul (Kevin McCloskey), a detective. Paul explains that he knows that Sonia was the only survivor of Ng and Lake’s rampage. She survived by being the slave that Leonard Lake desired, filming Ng and Lake’s crimes. Paul wants to know if Sonia remembers one of Lake and Ng’s victims, a woman named Karianna (Shannon Leade). Paul says that his clients want to know the circumstances that led to Karianna’s death. After some hesitation, Sonia tells Paul about her experiences as Lake and Ng’s prisoner. The film is a mix of black-and-white scenes involving Paul and Sonia and color flashbacks to the crimes of Lake (Stephen A.F. Day) and Ng (Sam Leung). While Sonia and Karianna are both fictional, the audience is shown footage of the real Leonard Lake, talking about his “philosophy” of life.

At first, it feels a bit tasteless to include the actual footage of the real Leonard Lake but, by the end of the film, I was glad that it had been included because, physically, the real-life Leonard Lake and Charles Ng were both considerably less attractive than the actors who played them in the film. This is especially true of Charles Ng. The real life Ng was pudgy and nerdy. Sam Leung, on the other hand, is undeniably handsome and muscular. Meanwhile, Stephen A.F. Day has the looks and manner of a friendly social worker so it was good to have actual footage of Lake so that the audience could see that, in real life, Leonard Lake was an overweight, loser incel whose spoke like someone who was desperately trying to convince the listener that he was smarter than he actually was. (Leonard Lake was the type to stumble over any word that had more than one syllable.) Probably the best thing that a serial killer film can do is remind the audience that most killers are not erudite and clever. They’re not Hannibal Lecter. Instead, they’re losers who are striking out at a world in which they have no hope of succeeding.

As for the film itself, it does capture the horror of being trapped but it’s hard not to feel that it made a mistake by focusing on the fictional Sonia and her conversation with Paul. Indeed, by having the film narrated by a fictional character who managed to escape, the film does a disservice to to the real victims who weren’t so lucky. With all of the flashbacks and flashforwards, the narrative itself feels too jumbled to really tell us anything about how or why Lake and Ng not only committed their crimes but how they managed to get away with it for over a year. In the end, the scariest thing about Lake and Ng is that, if not for that one shoplifting incident, their reign of terror could have continued uninterrupted for even longer than it did.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Roger Corman Edition

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films is all about letting the visuals do the talking.

This October, I am going to be using our 4 Shots From 4 Films feature to pay tribute to some of my favorite horror directors, in alphabetical order! That’s right, we’re going from Argento to Zombie in one month!

Today’s director is one of the most influential figures in American film history, the one and only Roger Corman!

4 Shots From 4 Roger Corman Films

Not of this Earth (1957, dir by Roger Corman, DP: John Mescall)

The Little Shop of Horrors (1960, dir by Roger Corman, DP: Archie R. Dalzell)

X: The Man With The X-Ray Eyes (1963, dir by Roger Corman, DP: Floyd Crosby)

The Masque of Red Death (1964, dir by Roger Corman, DP: Nicolas Roeg)

Horror Film Review: Hounded (dir by Tommy Boulding)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In this British film from 2022, Leon (Nobuse Junior) is the head of a crew of thieves. Yes, he spends his time breaking into people’s houses and stealing their stuff but the film insists that he’s not that bad. He’s just trying to raise the money to send his younger brother, Chaz (Malachi Pullar-Latchman) to a university. Working with the two brothers are the perpetually angry Vix (Hannah Traylen) and the perpetually religious Todd (Ross Coles). To be honest, none of the really seem like they should be hanging out together but I guess crime makes for unexpected partnerships. Still, you really do have to wonder in what world would Vix and Todd even say “hi” to one another, let alone work together as a part of a burglary crew?

An antique dealer (Larry Lamb) hires the crew to beak into the estate of the Katherine Redwick (Samantha Bond, best-known for playing Ms. Moneypenny in the Timothy Dalton Bond films) and steal a valuable ceremonial knife. Unfortunately, it turns out that it’s all a set up and soon, the four thieves are being chased across the estate by Katherine and her family. If the thieves can make it back to civilization, they’ll be safe. If they can’t, then they’ll have to face the ceremonial knife. Yes, they’re playing a most dangerous game, with Count Zaroff’s isolated island being replaced by a posh British country estate. The film is called Hounded because, just as in a fox hunt, the Redwicks use dogs to chase down their prey. The dogs are cute and fear not, no harm comes to them. This is a 2022 film and everyone knows better than to harm a dog. The humans on the other hand….

There’s a lot of class struggle commentary to be found in Hounded. The thieves are all working class and angry about not being given the same opportunities as the rich. The Redwicks are so posh and refined that they basically come across as Monty Python-style caricatures. They may be hunting people for sport but they’re very polite and proper about it and Katharine spends a lot of time talking about how the Redwicks always hunt with honor. Unfortunately, while Samantha Bond is entertaining as the main villain, the rest of the characters are not particularly memorable and some of the actors playing the thieves give performances are downright embarrassing. As such, you never really care much about whether the thieves are going to escape or if the Renwicks are going to face justice. All you care about is whether or not the dogs are going to be okay. If your film is going to feature a lot of scare scenes featuring dogs, try not to cast cute Dalmatians. Seriously, I found myself rooting for the dogs because I knew that, no matter what they did, they would be adorable while doing it.

For the most part, Hounded is a predictable film. It’s short but it seems much longer. The version of The Most Dangerous Game just isn’t dangerous enough.

Horror on the Lens: Mesa of Lost Women (dir by Herbert Tevos and Ron Ormond)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s Horror on the Lens is the infamous 1953 film, Mesa of Lost Women. Off in the middle of the desert, Dr. Aranya (Jackie Coogan) is conducting dangerous experiments that are resulting not only in giant spiders but also a master race of superwomen who Aranya is planning to use to conquer the world or something.

Mesa of Lost Women is a bit of a disjointed film. It was originally filmed by a German director named Herbert Tevos, who claimed to be an associate of Erich Von Stroheim’s and a former collaborator of Marlene Dietrich’s. However, despite his claims of being well-connected, no one was particularly impressed with Tevos’s first cut of the film so Ron Ormond was brought in to film additional scenes, the majority of them featuring Jackie Coogan as the insane Dr. Aranya. Jackie Coogan was, at the time, still best-known for playing The Kid in the Charlie Chaplin film of the same name. After Mesa, he would go on to play Uncle Fester on the original Addams Family.

Anyway, Mesa of Lost Women is one of those B-movies that simply has to be seen and heard to be believed. (Lyle Talbot provides the narration, which is judgmental even by the standards of the 1950s.) Enjoy Mesa of Lost Women!

October Positivity: Prayer Never Fails (dir by Wes Miller)

Posted on October 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2016 film, Prayer Never Fails, tells the story of Aiden Paul (Nick Lashaway). Having survived a traumatic childhood that was full of abuse, Aiden is now the beloved basketball coach at the local high school. (The fact that he never shaves or gets his hair out of his face does not seem to be a problem as far as this school district is concenred.) When one of his players approaches Aiden and tell him that he’s being abused by his father (Lorenzo Lamas), Aiden suggests that the player pray on it. When the player says that he doesn’t know how to pray (because his father is not just abusive but also a hardcore atheist, of course), Aiden takes him into a classroom and teaches him how.

Unfortunately, another teacher sees Aiden and the player praying and reports Aiden to the principal. Aiden is fired from his position. Though Aiden says that he’s just going to give up and find another job, his players demand that Aiden fight to be reinstated. Aiden decides to take the school to court!

Unfortunately, there aren’t any lawyers that Aiden can afford. (And most lawyers would hopefully be ethical enough tell Aiden that, regardless of his good intentions, he doesn’t have a case.) Finally, a chance meeting at a diner leads to Aiden hiring Michael Brown (Clifton Davis), an agnostic lawyer with a gambling problem. Michael takes the case but he soon finds himself going up against master litigator Joseph T. Harrington (Corbin Bernsen). Can Michael somehow win the case?

This is another one of those Christian courtroom films where no one does anything that makes sense. For instance, it seems like, instead of ducking into an open classroom for a quick prayer, Aiden could have reported that one of his students was being abused by a parent, which is something that, as a teacher, he would have been required to do in the first place. (Instead, that subplot is abandoned after Aiden is fired.) As well, to win the case, all Joseph T. Herrington had to do was 1) point out that Aiden had admitted to leading a prayer in school and 2) call to the stand a Constitutional law expert to explain the establishment clause. Instead, Herrington puts the entire concept of prayer on trial and tries to argue that praying doesn’t work. It’s an argument based purely on emotion and bias, which allows Michael to make a counter-argument that’s based purely on emotion and bias. At one point, Michael interrogates the school’s principal as to why he was willing to defend a transgender teacher but not Aiden’s right to pray. The correct answer, of course, is that whether or not another teacher is transgender has nothing to do with Aiden’s case and that the Supreme Court has ruled that prayer is not allowed in public schools. That’s really all anyone needed to say to any of Michael’s arguments but no one does because, if they did, it would be a very short film.

(Along with the dubious legal arguments, this film annoyed me because Aiden didn’t ever bother to shave or comb his hair before the trail began. I mean, seriously, did someone tell him that it was a good strategy to go to court looking like you spend the previous week sleeping in the back of a pickup truck? I would not want him coaching my school’s basketball team.)

On the plus side, Eric Roberts is in this movie. He plays the judge and goes through the film with a bemused smile on his face, as if even he can’t believe the legal arguments that he’s hearing. It’s always nice to see Eric Roberts picking up a paycheck.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Gun 1.2 “Ricochet”

Posted on October 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Gun, an anthology series that ran on ABC for six week in 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, on Gun, Martin Sheen plays a cop who might be investigating the final murder of his career!

Episode 1.2 “Ricochet”

(Dir by Peter Horton, originally aired on April 19th, 1997)

The second episode of Gun opens with the death of a Japanese businessman. He’s found shot on a cliffside that overlooks the ocean. The gun that shot him is discovered and taken by a homeless man named Lazy Eye Pete (Bud Cort). Pete is a cheerfully eccentric type, one who sings for money and who is dedicated to taking care of his pet dog, Chester. But, as soon as Pete gets that gun, his personality starts to change and he even ends up pulling the gun on a group of teenagers who were attempting to mug him. In the end, Pete sells the gun to a friend of his.

Also searching for that gun is Detective Van Guinness (Martin Sheen). Guinness, who suffers from ulcers and who takes his job very personally, has promised his girlfriend (Tess Harper) that he will retire from the force. However, he doesn’t want to go out on a simple or an unsolved case. Fortunately, for Guinness, he’s assigned the complicated case of the dead businessman. Unfortunately, for him, his girlfriend is not at all amused by his refusal to retire.

Van’s partner (Kirk Baltz) thinks that the businessman was killed during a robbery but Guinness disagrees. Guinness thinks that the businessman was murdered by either his wife (Nancy Travis) or his amoral attorney (Christopher McDonald). The wife and the attorney are sleeping together and they’ve also come up with a plan to somehow fix the California state lottery. (I couldn’t really follow what their plan was but then again, I’ve also never played the lottery.) The attorney thinks that the wife is the murderer. The wife thinks that the attorney is the murderer. The truth is a bit more complicated but, in order to full understand what happened, Van Guinness is going to have to find that gun.

Though the plot was a bit too complicated for its own good (Seriously, what was going on with the whole lottery subplot?), the second episode was a definite improvement over the first episode, with director Peter Horton keeping the action moving at a steady pace and establishing the consistent tone that the previous episode lacked. Ricochet played out like a true ensemble piece, splitting its attention between Martin Sheen, Bud Cort, Nancy Travis, and Christopher McDonald. All four of the actors did a good job bringing their characters to life. I especially liked Christopher McDonald’s amoral attorney. Nobody plays a crooked attorney with quite the style and wit of Christopher McDonald!

Next week: Rosanna Arquette and James Gandolfini appear in an episode directed by the show’s co-creator, James Steven Sadwith.

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 5.3 “Dark Wishes” (dir by John Liang)

Posted on October 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, a nurse (Tammy Lauren) decides that the best way to win the husband of her patient is to indulge in a little black magic. Needless to say, things don’t go quite as planned. And yes, The Hitchhiker definitely has something to say about it!

Seriously, I would so freak out if I ever saw The Hitchhiker commenting on anything that I’ve ever done in my life. “Lisa Marie Bowman thought she could escape real-life horror by writing about fictional horror. But sometimes, that which we think is fiction, turns out to be real….” AGCK!

This episode originally aired on July 1st, 1989.

October Hacks: Blood Theatre (dir by Rick Sloane)

Posted on October 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I have watched my share of not-good films but, as I sit here typing this, it’s hard for me to think of anything quite as mind-numbingly bad as 1984’s Blood Theatre.

Blood Theatre is a horror film without scares and a comedy without laughs. It starts at some point in the past, when a lovelorn movie theater owner (played, as a young man, by David Milbern) has a nervous breakdown upon discovering that the ticket girl doesn’t love him. So, he stabs her to death and then sets the theater on fire, killing the majority of the patrons inside. Years later, Mr. Murdock (Rob-Roy Fletcher) decides to increase his chain of Starlite Theaters by purchasing the old theater. He sends three of his employees over to get the place in shape. What he doesn’t stop to consider is that the theater owner (now played, as an old man, by Jonathan Blakely) is still haunting the old theater and killing anyone who shows up. Is the owner a ghost or a human killer? The film never quite makes up its mind, as sometimes he appears to have control of electricity and time and space and other times, he’s just an old geezer with a knife.

But the motives of the killer really aren’t that important because, oddly enough, he’s not really in the much of the film. Instead, the majority of the film is a broad comedy about the people working at the theater, none of whom are particularly funny or even likable. Selena (Joanna Foxx) gets mad when someone fails to pay for their popcorn so, for some reason, she follows them into theater and rips of her bra in front of them. I’m not really sure how that is supposed to get back at them for not paying for their popcorn but it does lead to a riot in the theater as everyone demands that she sit down so that they can enjoy the movie. Amazingly, this somehow does not lead to Selena getting fired but instead, she and her friend Darcy (Stephanie Dillard) are transferred to the new theater, much to the irritation of their co-worker, cheerleader Jennifer (Jenny Cunningham). Jennifer, Selena, and Darcy are all supposed to be in high school but they also all appear to be in their 30s.

Mary Woronov is also in this film. She’s totally wasted in the role of Murdock’s administrative assistant. She spends the entire movie answering the phone in the office and rolling her eyes and then making sarcastic comments about the fact that Murdock has gone to a theater owner’s convention but he hasn’t returned yet because he’s been mugged. For reasons that aren’t really clear, she hates Murdock and she hates everyone that she works with but then again, no one in this movie seems to like anyone else. Everyone in this movie dislikes everyone else and, as a result, it’s not as if any of the people are particularly pleasant to hang out with.

This is one of those comedies where every joke is repeated ad nauseum, to the point where it becomes impossible to watch the film without wanting to throw something at the screen. It would help, of course, if the jokes were funny but none of them are. It would also help if there was a shred of charisma to be found in the cast but, with the exception of Mary Woronov, everyone delivers their lines stiffly and without personality. Clocking in at 75 minutes but feeling much, much longer, Blood Theatre is one of the most incredibly dull films that I’ve ever seen. This is the slasher film that answers the question, “Just how bad can these films get?”