Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.23 “The New Cook”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week’s episode is stupid!  Let’s get to it.

Episode 1.23 “The New Cook”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on May 2nd, 1999)

After a relative in Texas breaks his leg — *sigh* I can already tell you that I’m going to hate this episode — Peter announces that he has to go down to the Lone Star State to look after the ranch because, of course, everyone who lives in Texas owns a ranch.  (Except for me apparently.)  Peter leaves Jason and Scott in charge of the restaurant.  Jason points out that he doesn’t get paid to be an assistant manager.  He gets paid to be a waiter and you know what?  Jason is perhaps the biggest douchebag to ever appear on a television show but, in this case, he’s absolutely correct.

Seriously, does Peter not have any adult employees that he can leave in charge?  Jason and Scott are not managers.  They are just his good-for-nothing sons who he hired because they were too irresponsible to be left on their own.  Scott has grown a bit more responsible over the course of the season but neither he nor Jason really has the track record of someone who you would leave in charge of a complicated business.  Jason and Scott do some pretty stupid things in this episode but it’s all Peter’s fault for being dumb enough to give them so much responsibility in the first place.

With Peter gone, it falls to Jason and Scott to hire a new chef for the kitchen.  They hire Inga (Victoria Silvstedt) because she’s tall, blonde, and apparently comes from a country where there are no laws about nepo kids sexually harassing their new employees. Unfortunately, it turns out that Inga cannot cook.  The head chef refuses to work with her and storms out of the restaurant.  Because neither Jason nor Scott can work up the courage to fire her, they try to teach her how to cook.  Then they try to run the kitchen themselves.  A bunch of Texans are coming to the restaurant and they’re expecting lobster.  Uh-oh, Traycee set all the lobsters free!  She dumped them in the ocean.  Hey, Traycee, you probably just killed all of those lobsters!  Can no one on this show think?

(And seriously, what was this episode’s deal with Texas?)

Scott and Jason have to figure out what to do about their guests who claim to be from Texas but who all have the fakest accents that I’ve ever seen.  Bleh.  Screw this storyline.  It’s too stupid.  I’m done talking about it.

Meanwhile, in the B-plot, Murray is visited by the legendary surfer, Webfoot Wilson (Peter Flanders).  Webfoot says that he’s putting together a charity for injured surfers.  But, after Sam and Stads see Webfoot stealing money from the Surf Shack’s cash register, they realize that he’s just a con artist!  Will they find the courage to tell Murray that his friend is a thief?  Of course, they will.  What a stupid B-plot but I will give credit where credit is due.  Brandon Brooks’s performance as Murray was probably the only thing that worked about this episode.  Murray may have started out as a standard weird sidekick but Brooks was actually able to make him into a surprisingly likeable and occasionally even funny character.

Next week …. oh, who cares?  Something will happen.

Song of the Day: Kashmir by Led Zeppelin (Happy birthday, Jimmy Page)


Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy 81st birthday to the one and only Jimmy Page!

In honor of one of the world’s greatest guitarists, today’s song of the day is one of the few Led Zeppelin songs that I like.  Page originally came up with the lyrics for the song while driving through Morocco but clearly, Kashmir was a better title.

Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face
And stars fill my dream
I’m a traveler of both time and space
To be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race
This world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait
All will be revealed

Talk in song from tongues of lilting grace
Sounds caress my ear
And not a word I heard could I relate
The story was quite clear

Oh, baby, I been blind
Oh, yeah, mama, there ain’t no denyin’
Oh, ooh yes, I been blind
Mama, mama, ain’t no denyin’, no denyin’

All I see turns to brown
As the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand
As I scan this wasted land
Try to find, try to find the way I feel

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace
Like sorts inside a dream
Leave the path that led me to that place
Yellow desert stream
My shangri la beneath the summer moon
I will return again
As the dust that floats high in June
We’re moving through Kashmir

Oh, father of the four winds fill my sails
Cross the sea of years
With no provision but an open face
Along the straits of fear
Oh, when I want, when I’m on my way, yeah
And my feet wear my fickle way to stay

Ooh, yeah yeah, oh, yeah yeah,
But I’m down oh, yeah yeah, oh, yeah
Yeah, but I’m down, so down
Ooh, my baby, oh, my baby
Let me take you there
Come on, oh let me take you there
Let me take you there

Songwriters: James Patrick (Jimmy) Page / John Bonham / Robert Anthony Plant

Scene That I Love: Lee Van Cleef, Clint Eastwood, and Klaus Kinski in For A Few Dollars More


In 1925, on this very date, Lee Van Cleef was born in Somervillve, New Jersey.  In honor of what would have been Lee Van Cleef’s 100th birthday, here he is with Klaus Kinski and Clint Eastwood in For A Few Dollars More.

There’s not a lot of dialogue in this scene but when you had actors like Eastwood, Kinski, and Lee Van Cleef, you didn’t need a lot of dialogue to make an impression.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Ulu Grosbard Edition


4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today, on what would have been his 97 birthday, we pay tribute to director Ulu Grobsard with….

4 Shots From 4 Ulu Grosbard Films

The Subject Was Roses (1968, dir by Ulu Grosbard, DP: Jack Priestley)

Straight Time (1978, dir by Ulu Grosbard, DP: Owen Roizman)

True Confessions (1981, dir by Ulu Grosbard, DP: Owen Roizman)

Georgia (1995, dir by Ulu Grosbard, DP: Jan Kiesser)

Film Review: The Jazz Singer (dir by Richard Fleischer)


In the 1980 remake of The Jazz Singer, it only takes the film seven minutes to find an excuse to put Neil Diamond in blackface.

Of course, the film was a remake of the 1927 version of The Jazz Singer, which featured several scenes of Al Jolson performing in blackface.  In fact, Al Jolson in blackface was such a key part of the film that it was even the image that was used to advertise the film when it was first released.  Back in the 20s, Jolson said that wearing blackface was a way of honoring the black artists who created jazz.  (As shocking as the image of Al Jolson wearing blackface is to modern sensibilities, Jolson was considered a strong advocate for civil rights and one of the few white singers to regularly appear on stage with black musicians.)  Regardless of Jolson’s motives, less-progressively minded performers used blackface as a way to reinforce racial stereotypes and, to modern audiences, blackface is an abhorrent reminder of how black people were marginalized by a racist culture.  You would think that, if there was any element of the original film that a remake would change, it would be the lead character performing in blackface.

But nope.  Seven minutes into the remake, songwriter Jess Robin (Neil Diamond) puts on a fake afro and dons blackface so that he can perform on stage at a black club with the group that is performing his songs.  The group’s name is the Four Brothers and, unfortunately, one of the Brothers was arrested the day of the performance.  Jess performs with the group and the crowd loves it until they see his white hands.  Ernie Hudson — yes, Ernie Hudson — stands up and yells, “That’s a white boy!”  A riot breaks out.  The police show up.  Jess and the three remaining Brothers are arrested and taken to jail.  Jess is eventually bailed out by his father, Cantor Rabinovitch (Laurence Olivier).  The Cantor is shocked to discover that his son, Yussel Rabinovitch, has been performing under the name Jess Robin.  He’s also stunned to learn that Yussel doesn’t want to be a cantor like his father.  Instead, he wants to write and perform modern music.  The Cantor tells Yussel that his voice is God’s instrument, not his own.  Yussel returns home to his wife, Rivka (Caitlin Adams), and tries to put aside his dreams.

But when a recording artist named Keith Lennox (Paul Nicholas) wants to record one Yussel’s songs, Yussel flies out to Los Angeles.  As Jess Robin, he is shocked to discover that Lennox wants to turn a ballad that he wrote into a hard rock number,  Jess sings the song to show Lennox how it should sound.  The arrogant Lennox is not impressed but his agent, Molly (Lucie Arnaz) is.  Soon, Jess has a chance to become a star but what about the family he left behind in New York?  “I have no son!” the Cantor wails when he learns about Jess’s new life in California.

I’ve often seen the 1980 version of The Jazz Singer referred to as being one of the worst films of all time.  I watched it a few days ago and I wouldn’t go that far.  It’s not really terrible as much as its just kind of bland.  For someone who has had as long and successful a career as Neil Diamond, he gives a surprisingly charisma-free performance in the lead role.  The most memorable thing about Diamond’s performance is that he refuses to maintain eye contact with any of the other performers, which makes Jess seem like kind of a sullen brat.  It also doesn’t help that Diamond appears to be in his 40s in this film, playing a role that was clearly written for a much younger artist.  Still, when it comes to bad acting, no one can beat a very miscast Laurence Olivier, delivering his lines with an overdone Yiddish accent and dramatically tearing at his clothes to indicate that Yussel is dead to him.  Olivier was neither Jewish nor a New Yorker and that becomes very clear the more one watches this film.  It takes a truly great actor to give a performance this bad.  Diamond, at least, could point to the fact that he was a nonactor given a starring role in a major studio production.  Olivier, on the other hand, really had no one to blame but himself.

Still, I have to admit that ending the film with a sparkly Neil Diamond performing America while Laurence Olivier nods in the audience was perhaps the best possible way to bring this film to a close.  It’s a moment of beautiful kitschThe Jazz Singer needed more of that.

Music Video of the Day: Snow Waltz by Lindsey Stirling (2022, dir by Lindsey Stirling)


I’m sitting here right now, at 2 in the morning, looking out my bedroom window for any sign of the snow storm that the local media has been warning me about for an entire week.  The snow may not be here yet but the freezing cold is.  Today’s music video of the day feels appropriate.

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.4 “Cellmates”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

It’s Rex Manning Day on Monsters!

Episode 3.4 “Cellmates”

(Dir by Stephen Tolkin, originally aired on October 21st, 1990)

Timothy Danforth (Maxwell Caulfield) is a rich American kid who has gotten in trouble while visiting Mexico.  He was arrested after hitting a kid with his car and then punching out the kid’s father, who just happened to be a cop.  After Danforth was arrested, the cops looked inside his car and found a lot of drugs.  Convinced (perhaps correctly) that Danforth is a drug dealer and a smuggler, the cops promptly toss him into a filthy jail cell.

The cocky Danforth is convinced that his father will soon free him from the prison.  However, in the next cell, an old man (Ferdy Mayne) says that Danforth has been tossed into a special cell.  It’s a cell that is reserved for the worst of the worst.  The Old Man says that no one ever leaves the cell.  At first, Danforth laughs off the old man’s claims but, at night, the Old Man dissolves into a puddle of liquid that enters Danforth’s cells and attempts to attack him.  Danforth survives but when he tells his lawyer and his jailers about what happened, the authorities respond by chaining Danforth to a wall, leaving Danforth at the mercy of the Old Man.

It’s a pretty good thing that Danforth is such an unlikable and downright loathsome character because, otherwise, this would be a really disturbing episode.  Instead, Danforth is a stereotypical rich kid who thinks that he can get away with anything and that the rules don’t apply to him.  He shows no remorse about having hit a kid with his car.  He’s cocky and arrogant from the minute we see him.  He’s exactly the kind of guy who gives Americans abroad a bad name.  In the end, it’s hard not to feel that he really doesn’t have anyone but himself to blame for his predicament.  He’s a victim of his own very bad choices and he’s so confident that he’s untouchable that his final fate feels like karma.

This is a pretty simple episode.  A bad guy falls victims to his own stupidity.  There’s nothing likable about Timothy Danforth, though Maxwell Caulfield certainly does a good job in the role.  Caulfield plays Danforth as being an incredibly spoiled brat, someone who has never been held responsible for his actions and who can’t believe that he’s actually in real trouble.  Surprisingly, Caulfield almost gets you to feel sorry for Danforth at the end of the episode.  Danforth really had no idea what he was getting himself involved with.  That said, in the end, bad decisions are bad decisions and Danforth has no one to blame but himself.

This was an effective episode, with a lot of atmosphere and a good performance from Maxwell Caulfield.  So far, Season 3 of Monsters is off to a good start.

 

Lisa Reviews An Oscar Nominee: Arrowsmith (dir by John Ford)


In the 1931 Best Picture nominee Arrowsmith, Ronald Colman stars as Martin Arrowsmith, a doctor who is trying to save lives without compromising his ethics.

Arrowsmith is mentored by the famed bacteriologist, Max Gottlieb (A.E. Anson) and married to a nurse named Leora (Helen Hayes).  At first, Arrowsmith makes his living as the local doctor in Leora’s small hometown in South Dakota.  However, Arrowsmith is ambitious and wants to do more with his life and career than just take care of a small town.  He wants to cure the world of disease.  When he’s offered a position at the prestigious McGurk Institute in New York, he enthusiastically accepts.  Having just suffered a miscarriage, Leora supports Arrowsmith’s decision and travels to New York with him.  No matter what happens, Leora is always there to support her husband, even when he doesn’t seem to appreciate it.

When Arrowsmith thinks that he’s discovered an antibiotic serum that appears to be capable of curing all sorts of diseases, he attempts to stay true to the methods taught to him by Dr. Gottlieb.  He takes his time.  He tests carefully.  He doesn’t rush out and give the serum to everyone.  However, Arrowsmith finds his methods continually sabotaged by his colleagues, who hope to raise money by telling the press about a miracle serum that can “cure all diseases!”  When Arrowsmith later finds himself combatting an outbreak of the Bubonic Plague in the West Indies, he again tries to employ the scientific method but finds himself being pressured by government officials to give his untested serum to every single person on the island.  Eventually, Arrowsmith’s ethics are pushed to their limits when even Leora falls ill.

Arrowsmith was based on a best-selling novel by Sinclair Lewis, though the plot was changed to make the story more palpable for film audiences.  In the novel, Arrowsmith is a bit of cad who regularly cheats on his wife.  In the film, Arrowsmith is passionate and driven but the exact nature of his relationship with wealthy Joyce Lanyon (Myrna Loy) is left so ambiguous that it actually leaves one wondering why the character is in the film at all.  What both the film and the novel have in common is an emphasis on the importance of science and the scientific method.  Arrowsmith’s idealism runs into the harsh reality of life during an epidemic.  Government officials are more concerned with saying that they’ve done something as opposed to considering whether their actions have ultimately done more harm than good.  In its way, Arrowsmith predicted the COVID era.

Arrowsmith was the first John Ford film to be nominated for Best Picture and its financial success allowed Ford the freedom to go on to become one of Hollywood’s most important directors.  Seen today, Arrowsmith feels a bit creaky and self-important, with little of the visual flair that Ford brought to his later films.  Ronald Colman’s performance as Arrowsmith seems a bit stiff, especially when compared to the much more lively (and sympathetic) performance of Helen Hayes.  Arrowsmith is a big and serious film and, if we’re going to be honest, it’s a little bit boring.  Still, it’s interesting to see the issues of today being debated 90 years in the past.

As for the Oscars, Arrowsmith was nominated for Best Picture, Adaptation, Cinematography, and Art Direction.  It lost in all four of the categories in which it was nominated.  That year, Best Picture was won by Grand Hotel, which curiously didn’t receive any other nominations at all.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.12 “Take a Letter, Vicki/The Floating Bridge Game/The Joy of Celibacy”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance….

Episode 5.12 “Take a Letter, Vicki/The Floating Bridge Game/The Joy of Celibacy”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 12th, 1981)

Captain Stubing notices that Vicki seems to be depressed.  He asks his crew if they have any idea what’s wrong with her.

Actually, he could have just asked me.  Why is Vicki depressed?  Maybe it’s because she’s a teenage girl who spends all of her time on a boat surrounded by people who are all at least twenty to thirty years older than her?  Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have any friends her own age?   Maybe it’s because Julie’s now too coked up to be the surrogate mother figure that she was during the previous two seasons?  Seriously, there’s a lot reasons why Vicki might be depressed but they all have on solution.  Let Vicki go to school on the mainland and allow her to have some friends her own age!

The crew, however, thinks that the Captain should just hire Vicki to be his secretary.  Stubing agrees.  Vicki is happy to have a job and she immediately does the exact same thing that I would do under those circumstances.  She rearranges the captain’s entire office.  The Captain can’t find anything but personally, I think his office does look better once everything has been straightened up.  A messy office leads to a messy mind and, on a cruise ship, a messy mind can lead to a collision with an ice berg.

Vicki then issues a cheerful memo, telling all the members of the crew that they should give the Captain a daily run-down of their plans for the day.  Again, I think that makes total sense.  The crew, however, is outraged.  The Captain is worried that Vicki is taking her position too seriously but he doesn’t know how to fire her.  (When did Captain Stubing become a wimp?  This is a weird episode.)  The crew decides to give Vicki so much work that she’ll quite out of frustration but they discover that Vicki is determined to do a good job.  No one knows what to do….

LET HER HAVE FRIENDS HER OWN AGE AND A NORMAL LIFE!  THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO!

Anyway, the overworked Vicki eventually falls asleep on the job.  The Captain uses that as an excuse to fire her.  Vicki smiles because she didn’t really enjoy the job in the first place.  Usually, the relationship between the Captain and Vicki is one of the better elements of The Love Boat but this episode left me feeling really bad for Vicki.  She’s really missing out on the best years of her life.

As for the other two stories, neither was very interesting.  A bridge club made up of four widows takes the cruise and are shocked when one of them (played by Nanette Fabray) decides she would rather spend time with a handsome dentist (Robert Alda) than play bridge.  My question here is why would you spend money to play bridge on a cruise while you could just play at home for free.  If you’re on a cruise, enjoy the scenery!  Don’t just play bridge.  Meanwhile, Barry Styles (Jim Trent) pretended to be a big believer in celibacy in order to get “ice queen” Linda Trent (Carlee Watkins) to fall for him.  Doc and Gopher made a bet on whether or not he would be successful.  DOC!  GOPHER!  You two know you’re better than that!

This week’s cruise was just sad.  The bridge club wasted a lot of money.  Linda was the center of a misogynistic bet.  Vicki is still going to be lonely and depressed next week.  What a sad trip on The Love Boat.

Here Are The 2024 DGA Nominations


The Director Guild has announced its nominees for the best of 2024.  This is one of strongest of the precursors so A Complete Unknown getting mentioned both by the DGA and the SAG would seem to indicate that it’s going to get a Best Picture nod as well.  We’ll find out next week!

FEATURE FILM
JACQUES AUDIARD, Emilia Pérez
SEAN BAKER, Anora
EDWARD BERGER, Conclave
BRADY CORBET, The Brutalist
JAMES MANGOLD, A Complete Unknown

FIRST-TIME THEATRICAL FEATURE FILM
PAYAL KAPADIA, All We Imagine as Light
MEGAN PARK, My Old Ass
RAMELL ROSS, Nickel Boys
HALFDAN ULLMANN TØNDEL, Armand
SEAN WANG, Dìdi