Helen Funai | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, CHiPs jumps the proverbial shark.

Episode 6.3 “The Spaceman Made Me Do It”

(Dir by Winrich Kolbe, originally aired on October 24th, 1983)

There’s three storylines in this week’s episode. Let’s start with the two that make sense.

In the episodes comedic storyline, the members of the Highway Patrol all receive a chain letter. Some continue the chain and have good luck. Others — like Ponch — do not continue the chain and wait for their bad luck. Grossie mails his letter and then gets an $800 refund from the IRS. However, at the end of the episode, it’s revealed that the Highway Patrol’s secretary failed to mail the chain letters and the IRS informs Grossie that his refund was a mistake. Everyone laughs at Grossie. Poor guy.

The B-plot features Grossie and new officer Kathy (Tina Gayle) tracking down some thieves who are robbing Japanese tourists. This was a traditional CHiPs story and it was actually kind of nice of the show to acknowledge that Ponch isn’t the only person fighting crime in California.

But then there’s the main plot. Ponch and Bobby have been assigned to night patrol. They catch a preadolescent girl named Jodi (Kyle Richards) breaking into a jewelry store. She says that an E.T. (and yes, she says “E.T.’) ordered her to break into the store because it need the diamonds to fix its spaceship. Ponch and Bobby take Jodi to the station and Ponch volunteers to serve as Jodi’s legal guardian until her parents can be found. Dr. Joyce Brothers appears as herself, talking to Jodi and announcing the Jodi is not crazy.

Having watched five seasons of CHiPs, I found myself waiting for the inevitable moment in which it would be revealed that Jodi was being manipulated by a master criminal. When Jodi ran away to meet up with the UFO, I expected that Ponch and Bobby would track her down and arrest the actual villain.

Instead, when Ponch and Bobby tracked down Jodi, I got a scene of a light shining down from the sky, Jodi being pulled towards the unseen UFO, and Ponch grabbing her and yelling that the aliens can’t have her. Ponch’s words apparently have the right effect because the lights disappear as the never-seen UFO returns to its own planet.

“What was that?” Bobby asks.

“Whatever you want it to be,” Ponch replies.

No, guys. I’m sorry. This is CHiPs. It’s a show about cops on motorcycles. It’s not a show about UFOs. You can’t just introduce an alien on this show and then have everyone shrug it off once they hear that Grossie won’t be getting his tax refund. This just isn’t the show to try that sort of thing. (Yes, Force Seven did get pretty weird but that was a backdoor pilot for a different series and Ponch and Jon didn’t actually get involved in any of the mad scientist/karate action.)

I’m going to guess this episode was an attempt to shake things up. Maybe there was a feeling that, since new star Tom Reilly lacked all credibility as a cop, the show should abandon the straight-forward approach that it used during the Larry Wilcox years. I’m sure the show had its reasons but this episode just doesn’t feel right.

Of course, some thing never change. The aliens may have been a surprise but it’s not a surprise that Ponch was the one who (somehow) made them go away. Aliens or not, this is still….

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, it’s another courtroom drama on Highway to Heaven.

Episode 4.15 “Time In A Bottle”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on January 20th, 1988)

A homeless man who goes by the name of Humphrey Bogart (Henry Bal) is arrested for trying to steal a bottle of cheap wine from a liquor store. The hard-nosed assistant D.A. (Robin Strasser) charges him with a felony. Jonathan and Mark recruit Humphrey’s friend, Matthew (John Rubinstein), to defend him in court. Matthew may be homeless but he’s also a lawyer!

It turns out that a corrupt city councilman (Alan Fudge) wants to crack down on the homeless because he wants to turn the homeless district into a commercial area. If you already guessed that this episode ends with Matthew leading a march of homeless people into a city council meeting while they chant “We will be heard,” then you’ve obviously seen quite a few episodes of Highway to Heaven.

Highway to Heaven frequently did stories about the homeless and I really can’t criticize the show for that. This was an issue that Michael Landon obviously cared a lot about and the show was usually so earnest and sincere that you could overlook just how heavy-handed it often was. The homeless people on Highway to Heaven are always a lot more clean-cut and polite than the ones that I used to yell at me when I worked in downtown Dallas. On Highway to Heaven, the homeless are always funny and philosophical and they have wonderful lessons to teach everyone. In Dallas, they come up to your car window while you’re stuck in traffic. In order to visit my aunt when she was dying at Medical City last month, I had to endure being shouted at and occasionally threatened by all sorts of people. By the end of it, I was running red lights because paying a fine was less annoying than having that guy whole lived at the Forest/Central intersection calling me the C-word while I was waiting for the light to change.

(That’s not say that the homeless should not be treated with compassion or helped because they certainly should. I’m just saying that this habit that some people have of idealizing and infantilizing anyone living on the streets is, in many ways, as destructive as just ignoring the problem.)

As for this episode, it was a bit too preachy for its own good. And I know what you’re going to say. “It’s Highway to Heaven, it’s always preachy.” That’s true to an extent but the first three seasons were also a bit less self-righteous than the fourth season has been. The first three seasons featured characters who were often misguided but who were also capable of being redeemed. In the past, this episode would have been about the city councilman seeing the error of his ways. This season, though, the city councilman is just evil because he is. It’s a far more heavy-handed approach to take and, as a result, far less effective.

This is another episode where one impassioned speech manages to change everyone’s mind. If only things were as simple in the real world.