The TSL Horror Grindhouse: The Fifth Floor (dir by Howard Avedis)

Posted on October 22, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1977’s The Fifth Floor, Dianne Hull plays Kelly McIntyre.

Kelly is a college student by day and a disco dancer by night! Unfortunately, after someone spikes her drink at the discotheque and she suffers an overdose, she becomes a full-time patient at a mental asylum. Neither the head doctor (Mel Ferrer) nor the head nurse (Julia Adams, who once swam with The Creature From The Black Lagoon) believes her claim that her drink was spiked. Judged to be suicidal and delusional, Kelly is sent to the Fifth Floor!

While her boyfriend (John David Carson) tries to convince the authorities that she’s not insane, Kelly adjusts to life on the Fifth Floor. She befriend Cathy (Patti D’Arbanville). She encourages her fellow patients to dance and enjoy themselves. She tries to escape on multiple occasions. She draws the unwanted attention of a male orderly named Carl (Bo Hopkins, giving a wonderfully sinister performance). A sadist equipped with down-home country charm, Carl has got all of his co-workers convinced that he’s a great guy. The patients, though, know that Carl is a petty authoritarian who enjoys showing off his power. (“I’m just doing my job,” is the excuse whenever he’s challenged.) Carl takes an obsessive interest in Kelly and soon, Kelly is not only trying to get her life back but also trying to escape from Carl’s cruel intentions.

Most film directories list The Fifth Floor as being a horror film and certainly, there are elements of the horror genre to be found in the film. The smooth-talking and nonchalantly cruel Carl is certainly a horrific character and Kelly’s attempts to escape from the asylum capture the very primal fear of not having any control over one’s life. That said, The Fifth Floor owes greater debt to One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest than to the typical slasher film. Kelly is a rebel who brings the patients in the ward together. Much as in Cuckoo’s Nest, the nurses and the orderlies use the threat of electro-shock treatment to keep the patients under control.

It’s not a bad film, though it definitely has its slow spots and I do wish the film had embraced its own sordidness with a bit more style. I’m a history nerd so I appreciated the fact that The Fifth Floor was so obviously a product of its time. Any film that features the heroine showing off her disco moves before being taken to a mental hospital is going to hold my interest. That said, the most interesting thing about the film are some of the familiar faces in the cast. For instance, Earl Boen — who played so many authority figures over the course of his career and appeared as a psychiatrist in the early Terminator films — plays a patient who wears a NASA jacket. The always intimidating Anthony James plays the most violent patient. Michael Berryman and Tracey Walter appear as background patients.

And then you’ve got Robert Englund, cast here as Benny. Benny is the most gentle of the patients, a prankster who befriends Kelly. It’s always so interesting to see the type of roles that Englund played before he was cast as Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare On Elm Street. In this film, Englund is so goofy and friendly that you actually find yourself worrying about something happening to him. Englund’s role is small but his amiable nerdiness definitely makes an impression.

The Fifth Floor opens and ends with a title card telling us that the film is based on a true story. Sure, it was.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 1.13 “Super Bull Sunday”

Posted on October 8, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, season one comes to an end with the Championship Game!

Episode 1.13 “Super Bull Sunday”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on February 17th, 1985)

The Bulls make it to the Championship Game!

And lose!

In fact, they lose in spectacular fashion. We don’t actually see much of the game but we do see the aftermath. We learn that star running back Carl Witherspoon set a record for fumbles. Star quarterback Bob Dorsey set a record for interceptions. The offensive line set a record for letting their quarterback get sacked. Coach Denardo blames himself but Diana announces to the press that the Bull will be back next year so …. “LOOK OUT!”

Admittedly, the big game only took up about 5 and a half minutes of screentime. Most of this episode centered around a dumb plot to trick Diana into selling the Bulls to the Japanese so that her ex-husband (remember him?) could swoop in and buy back his team. It was a pretty dumb plan that fell apart easily but, at the very least, it appears that it finally led to Diana firing her duplicitous general manager, Roger Barrow (Clayton Landey), something she should have done at the start of the season.

But let’s give the show some credit. It would have been really easy to just have the Bulls pull off another last-minute victory. Instead, season one ended with the agony of defeat and the actors actually did a really good job of playing up their depression. It can’t be easy make it to the Championship Game and fail.

So, that’s it for season one. It wasn’t really that good of a season but maybe I would feel differently if I was a football fan or if I was a dude. This is very much a guy-centered show. Next week, we’ll start season 2!

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 2.10 “A Pig Too Far”

Posted on August 8, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988. The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!

This week, we learn about something called hacking.

Episode 2.10 “A Pig Too Far”

(Dir by Linda Day, originally aired on January 11th, 1984)

I’ve got a family thing going on today so I’m just going to do a bullet-point review.

The bigger, richer hospitals are transporting their indigent patients to St. Eligius. When one of those patients dies, Joan Holloran and Dr. Cavanero (making one of her infrequent appearances) attempt to find out why. It turns out that other hospitals view St. Eligius as being a dumping ground. It’s not ethical or particularly nice but everyone seems to agree that it’s a common practice.
Ehrlich wants to ask Roberta (Jean Bruce Scott) to marry him, despite the fact that he’s extremely immature and has no idea how to have a meaningful relationship with anyone.
Matthew Brody (David Knell) is a teenage computer nerd who, from his hospital bed, is able to hack into the hospital’s computer system. You can tell this episode was from the 80s because of a lengthy scene in which Matthew explains what hacking is. Everyone is stunned that such a thing can be done.
Bobby shaves his mustache. Now he looks like the handsome Mark Harmon we all know!
A woman with violent mood swings is brought into the psych ward. Dr. Ridley diagnoses her as having PMS. He and Dr. Morrison have a good laugh about it while this reviewer narrows her eyes and considers throwing her laptop out the bedroom window.
Shirley and Dr. White are still under investigation. What’s odd is that Shirley says that she’s currently not allowed in the ER but actually, we saw her working in the ER in the previous episode. That leads me to suspect that the episodes were aired out of their extended order.
EXCEPT — last week’s episode was a Christmas episode. This week’s episode features a somewhat random scene of Dr. Craig demanding someone take down a Christmas tree because Christmas is over. So maybe Shirley being in the ER last week was genuine mistake on the part of the writers.

This was a bit of a bland episode, to be honest. At this point, I assume anyone who shows up in the hospital is guaranteed to eventually die a terrible death.

The Unnominated #19: The Terminator (dir by James Cameron)

Posted on July 30, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Though the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences claim that the Oscars honor the best of the year, we all know that there are always worthy films and performances that end up getting overlooked. Sometimes, it’s because the competition too fierce. Sometimes, it’s because the film itself was too controversial. Often, it’s just a case of a film’s quality not being fully recognized until years after its initial released. This series of reviews takes a look at the films and performances that should have been nominated but were, for whatever reason, overlooked. These are the Unnominated.

First released in 1984, The Terminator was the one of the top box office hits of the year. It’s the film that established James Cameron as a filmmaker. It’s the film that made a bona-fide star out of Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s a film that was imitated a thousand times before it even got its first official sequel. It’s a film that’s still celebrated today. 41 years later, people are still saying, “I’ll be back.” Would Arnold Schwarzenegger ever have become governor of California if he hadn’t first played a killing machine? There’s a reason why his political nickname was the Governator.

And yet, The Terminator was not nominated for a single Oscar. For all of the explosions and the gunfire and the screaming, it wasn’t even nominated for Best Sound. Some of the special effects may now seem a bit hokey in this age of rampant CGI but it’s still a surprise that The Terminator was not nominated for Best Visual Effects. The breath-taking action scenes did not result in a nomination for Best Editing. Linda Hamilton was not nominated for her fantastic performance as Sarah Connor, a young woman who finds herself being pursued by a killer cyborg from the future. Arnold Schwarzenegger was not nominated for playing one of the most memorable villains of the past 40 years. Those who claim that Schwarzenegger was just playing himself are being overly glib. Anyone could have said, “I’ll be back.” It took Schwarzenegger’s delivery to make it a great line.

The lack of nominations aren’t really not a surprise, of course. The Academy has only recently started to show an openness to nominating genre films for major awards and, even now, a genre film has to be considered a “cultural event” to even get a nomination. Black Panther, Get Out, and even Mad Max: Fury Road and Dune were all nominated because it was felt that they had transcended their genre origins. The Terminator is a sci-fi action movie and it’s proud to be a sci-fi action movie. (Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it could be argued, transcended its genre origins but it was released in 1991 and Silence of the Lambs was destined to be the genre nominee that year.) It’s also so relentlessly paced and intelligently written and directed that it’s a film that, even after all these years, it can still leave you breathless. Nominated or not, The Terminator is a film that grabs your attention and holds it for a full 107 minutes. There’s not many films that can make that claim.

The Terminator is a film that has held up surprisingly well. (It’s certainly held up better than some of its more recent sequels.) The performances of Linda Hamilton, Michael Biehn, and Arnold Schwarzenegger still work. It’s still terrifying to watch as The Terminator relentlessly kills everyone that he comes into contact with. (One thing that always gets me about the Terminator is that, even though he’s huge and superstrong and could probably physically rip anyone he wanted to apart, he still carries and uses a gun. This makes him seem like even more of a bully.) The Terminator is a machine and what makes him especially intimidating is that he doesn’t care if people see him coming or if they witness his crimes. He has one function and that’s all he worries about. When Michael Biehn first shows up, you can’t help but wonder why this guy, with his slight build and his somewhat nervous mannerisms, would be sent to try to stop the Terminator. Of course, by the end of the movie, you understand.

(And what an ending! The sight of those clouds, Linda Hamilton’s delivery of her final line, and the feeling that the future has already been determined, it all definitely makes an impression that has managed to survive every sequel after Judgment Day. There’s a reason why Skynet — much like “I’ll be back” — has taken on a cultural life of its own.)

There were a lot of very good films that were nominated for Oscars in 1984. The Terminator, much like Once Upon A Time In America, was not one of them but it will still never be forgotten.

Previous Entries In The Unnominated:

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 1.1 “By The Bulls”

Posted on July 16, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For a few years now, first Prime and now Tubi have been recommending that I watch a sitcom called 1st & Ten.

My initial reaction, upon looking the show up online and discovering that it was about a football team that was owned by a woman and coached (from the second season on) by OJ Simpson, was to say, “Why would I want to watch this?” And, to be honest, that’s still kind of my reaction. Football is not my thing. The only thing that is less my thing than football is soccer.

(“But in the rest of the world, soccer is called….” Yeah, yeah, I know. I don’t care.)

But then I read on and discovered that this is actually a historically significant show in that it was HBO’s first attempt to produce an original sitcom. It was later sold into syndication, with all of the cursing and nudity edited out. (Apparently, most of the episodes that are currently on Tubi are the edited syndication versions.) That piqued my interest. I may not care about football but I love historical footnotes.

So, without further ado, let’s get things started.

Episode 1.1 “By The Bulls”

(Dir by Rod Daniel, originally aired on December 2nd, 1984)

The show begins as wealthy Diane Barrow (Delta Burke) comes home to her mansion and discovers her husband, naked in their bedroom with another man. “This is Ty Tylor,” her husband says, “he’s a tight end.”

“I bet he is!” Diane replies.

Later, while talking to her divorce lawyer (Earl Boen), Diane announces, “I want his Bulls!”

“You want his….?” the lawyer replies, glancing down at his crotch.

No, Diane doesn’t want his balls She wants the Los Angeles Bulls, the football team that he owns. When the lawyer replies that Diane’s husband loves the Bulls, Diane announces that if she doesn’t get the football team, she’ll let the world know that her husband’s gay.

(It’s the 1980s, folks.)

Diane gets the Bulls and she also gets a lot of attention due to being apparently the only woman to ever own a football team. Everyone doubts her but Diane is determined to prove herself. However, her sniveling general manager (and her husband’s nephew), Roger Barrow (Clayton Landey), tries to end her ownership before the season even begins by planting cocaine in her mansion, His plan is that, during the pre-season party, one of the players will snort the cocaine and …. I don’t know. I guess he’s hoping some will call the police or something. It doesn’t seem like much of a plan, to be honest.

Fortunately, veteran Coach Ernie Denardo (Reid Scott) hears about the plan from a friend of his so he rushes over to the party and gets rid of the cocaine, though not before letting Diane know that she has powerful enemies. That was nice of him since Diane previously fired him for being incompetent. Needless to say, Denardo gets his job back.

And that’s it! We did get to see a few snippets of the players, who all seem to be wild and wacky. Carl Witherspoon (Sam Scarber) shows up at the party with his lawyer and demands a lot of money. Another player, Kyle Brody (Robert Logan), tries to hit on Diane. I checked with the imdb and this is Logan’s only appearance on the show so I’m not really sure what the point of him being at the party was. It’s a pilot so I imagine that a lot of the background people in this episode will never be seen again.

Overall, my feeling about the pilot was that it …. well, it sucked. The humor fell flat. The acting was terrible. Delta Burke showed some potential as Diane but I didn’t like how, after demanding, “I want his Bulls!,” Diane suddenly became this passive character who needed Denardo to tell her about the cocaine in her mansion. But you know what? It’s always unfair to judge a show by it’s pilot. The Office, for instance, had a terrible pilot. In the end, this particular pilot did what it was supposed to do — it introduced us to the main character and it set up the premise of the show.

We’ll see if things get better in the weeks to come.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.18 “The Devil Stick/Touch and Go”

Posted on June 10, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

It’s time to go back to the Island. Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 6.18 “The Devil Stick/Touch and Go”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on March 19th, 1983)

I had mixed feelings about this episode.

On the one hand, we do learn a little bit about Tattoo’s past in this episode. We discover that he lived in Paris before coming to Fantasy Island and becoming Roarke’s assistant and we learn that he may have been a taxi driver. At one point, his life was saved by a woman named Susan Henderson (Georgia Engel). To repay her, Tattoo arranges for Susan to come to the Island so that she can pursue her fantasy of getting concert pianist Carter Ransome (Bernie Kopell — who I love on The Love Boat but who is just plain miscast here) to fall in love with her. Even though Roarke says it will only be for the weekend, Susan is okay with that. Of course, things get complicated. Roarke also asks Tattoo how he plans to pay for the fantasy. Since when does Roarke care about money? Seriously, after all of the free fantasies that he’s handed out!? Give Tattoo a break, Roarke!

On the other hand, this fantasy featured Georgia Engel. Georgia Engel was an actress who specialized in playing very nice women who rarely spoke above a whisper. Ever since I’ve started doing these retro television reviews, I’ve watched countless episodes featuring Georgia Engel as quirky women who refuse to speak above a whisper. At first, it didn’t bother me. Then I watched Jennifer Slept Here, a short-lived sitcom co-starring Georgia Engel. It was while watching Jennifer Slept Here that I found myself yelling, “SPEAK UP!” whenever Georgia Engel appeared onscreen.

I feel bad because Georgia Engel, in every role that I’ve seen her play, came across as being a genuinely kind soul but the whispering thing …. oh my God, it just annoys the Hell out of me. And that was certainly the case with this episode. It was nice to learn more about Tattoo’s life and I’m glad that everyone found love but I’m sick of having to strain to understand or even hear the dialogue whenever Georgia Engel guest stars on one of these shows.

The other fantasy, I liked a bit more. Carl Peters (Dean Butler) comes to Fantasy Island to meet a woman who has loved for afar, Hallie Miller (Crystal Bernard). It turns out that Hallie lives on a village on the other side of the Island. Roarke warns that it’s a weird village that’s never gotten over the execution of a witch several centuries earlier. At first, I was like, “Since when is there a town on the other side of the Island?” but then I remembered that, during the first season, there was a whole fantasy that took place in fishing village that happened to be on the Island. Anyway, this fantasy is supernatural-themed and I always like it when Fantasy Island embraces its supernatural origins.

It was an uneven trip to the Island this week but what can I say? I like island trips!

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.12 “Graduation” and 5.13 “A Band Divided”

Posted on May 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the Dreams graduate!

Episode 5.12 “Graduation”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 22nd, 1996)

Graduation approaches and Mark is freaking out because he’s never had the courage to ask out Sarah (Tara Reid …. yes, that Tara Reid). When he finally works up the courage to ask her if she might want to go out with him, she says maybe and asks what he has in mind.

“Well, the school’s hosting a clean-and-sober graduation party….” Mark starts.

“I want beer!” Sarah replies.

And you know what? Mark’s a nice guy but that invitation seriously was kind of dorky. I don’t even drink and I would have totally rolled my eyes in high school if anyone had invited me to “a clean-and-sober graduation party.”

Sarah’s reaction should have been enough to let Mark know that they wouldn’t make a good couple but poor Mark. Over the course of three seasons, he has yet to have a real girlfriend. He’s desperate! He invites Sarah to the graduation party that he’s decided to throw at Lorena’s loft. And he’s also decided that there will be beer at the party! This despite the fact that Mark and the Dreams have just attended a school assembly where Principal Blumford (Earl Boen) warned against the dangers of teenage drinking. Someone is definitely not mature enough to leave high school yet!

And Mark’s proves that he’s not mature enough by getting drunk at the party, trying to drive to the beach with Sarah, and crashing into a ditch. Mark gets arrested, loses his license for a year, and — as he explains at graduation — he’ll have to do community service, attends alcohol classes, and pay a fine. Sarah ends up in the hospital and misses graduation. Mark explains that she has two broken ribs, a punctured lung, and a concussion. HOW DEEP WAS THAT DITCH!? At the ceremony, Principal Blumford announces that “to say I’m disappointed in some of you for what happened last night would be an understatement….” Dude, everyone knows you’re talking about Mark. Way to make him feel bad at his own high school graduation! Sam forgoes giving her valedictorian speech so that Mark can take to the stage and apologize. Way to make graduation awkward for everyone!

Oh well. At least graduation works out for everyone else. Jake and Tiffani make a model castle so that they can pass their history class and avoid summer school.

Anyway, this was a depressing episode but I support any show that tries to keep people from drinking and driving. Plus, the Dreams finally graduated! Yay!

Episode 5.13 “A Band Divided”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 30th, 1996)

Again, yay! This episode opens with the He’s So Funky song!

Unfortunately, the song is so great that it proves to be too powerful for the band’s amp, which explodes on stage. It’s going to cost the Dreams a thousand dollars to get a new amp. Lorena offers to loan them the money, in return for the band making her co-manager with her boyfriend Sly. Sly is actually okay with the idea. “A lot of great couple have worked together,” he says, “Sonny and Cher …. Bonnie and Clyde….”

Sly and Lorena’s first task is to convince the head of the School Dance committee to hire the Dreams to play at the next school dance and….

WAIT A MINUTE! THE DREAMS GRADUATED LAST EPISODE! SCHOOL’S OVER!

Once again, when it came to maintaining continuity by showing the episodes in the proper order, NBC just didn’t care.

Anyway, to the surprise of no one, Lorena and Sly struggle to figure out how to work together and soon, the Dreams have absolutely no gigs! Jake tells them a story about two brothers who both became king and who had to learn how to rule together. This leads to a lengthy fantasy sequence in which everyone gets to wear Renaissance Faire costumes that cause the studio audience to go crazy with each entrance. Unfortunately, the story doesn’t do much good because, rather than learning to compromise, Sly and Lorena demand that the Dreams pick only one of them to be the manager.

To me, Lorena is the obvious choice because she has the best hair. Mark says that he can’t choose because “Sly and Lorena are both our friends.” Uhmm, Mark …. Sly is also your cousin. (This is one of those facts that the show often seemed to forget about.) Tiffani suggests that they let some old surfer dude make the selection. It’s kind of amazing that the Dreams have stayed together as long as they have because none of them appear to be that smart.

Anyway, the old surfer names Lorena as manager and then says that, since he did her a favor, she should do him a favor and have the Dreams play his party for free. Lorena says that’s not a fair arrangement and then Sly jumps up and says it’s not a fair arrangement and the old surfer explains that it was all a trick to make them realize how much they loved the band and he rules that they should both be co-managers. I’m glad that worked out!

This was a silly episode but I enjoyed it. Sly and Lorena are a fun couple and there was a funny B-plot in which Jake tried to rewire Lorena’s house in order to make the new amp work. Jay Anthony Franke was always at his best when the show gave him a chance to balance Jake’s innate coolness with Jake’s general incompetence.

Next week, we have the final two episodes! I’m going to miss the Dreams.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 4.3 “Principal Tiffani” and 4.4 “The Dateless Game”

Posted on February 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Surf dudes with attitudes….

Episode 4.3 “Principal Tiffani”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on September 30th, 1995)

Earl Boen returns as Principal Blumford! The last two times that Blumford appeared, he was given dialogue that deliberately harkened back to his days of appearing in the first two Terminator films. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen here but Principal Tiffani is still an important Blumford episode because this is the episode where it becomes clear that Tiffani and Blumford are having a secret affair.

Seriously, how else do you explain Blumford’s decision to appoint Tiffani to the role of “student principal?” In fact, I’m not even sure that there is such a thing as the student principal program, despite the fact that both Saved By The Bell and California Dreams did episodes about it. It just doesn’t make any sense. Why would a student be put in charge of the school for a week? In this episode, Blumford not only names Tiffani as student principal but he also expects her to run the school during mid-terms week. I mean, shouldn’t Tiffani be studying for her mid-terms? And why make Tiffani principal as opposed to someone who actually wants the job?

I think we all know the answer.

At first, Tiffani struggles with her new position. No one will listen to her. Then her other boyfriend, Jake, gives her a lesson in how to yell at people. Tiffani takes his lessons to heart and goes mad with power, handing out detentions and forcing troublemakers to stand in the corner of her office in time-out. Eventually, the entire school rebels and, on cut day, Tiffani discovers that the halls are completely deserted.

The entire school goes to Sharky’s, of course. The Dreams, minus Tiffani, perform. I imagine there’s nothing better than getting hired for a sweet cut day gig. Eventually, Tiffani and Blumford show up at Sharky’s but Tiffani has learned to not be such a martinet so she lies and says that students had her permission to go to Sharky’s. She then orders all of them to start studying, which they do.

Blumford pretends to fooled by Tiffani but, obviously, he knows what’s really going on. Technically, Blumford could have gotten in trouble for giving an important role like student principal to someone who was obviously unqualified for the job but the hearts wants what the heart wants.

This was a very romantic episode.

Episode 4.4 “The Dateless Game”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 7th, 1995)

Speaking of romance, it’s time for Jake and Tiffani’s first anniversary! They’ve only been dating for 2 episodes but whatever. Everyone acts like they’ve been together forever. (Actually, Lorena specifically says that Tiffani and Jake have been a thing for 3 months.)

However, before Jake can celebrate their anniversary, he decides help Sly and Mark out with their plan to take part in a charity dating game. When the third bachelor fails to show up for the event, Jake agrees to take the stage with Sly and Mark. Of course, despite his best efforts to pretend to be a shallow burn-out, Jake wins and it turns out his date is scheduled for the night of his anniversary! Instead of just coming clean to Tiffani, Jake attempts to go on both dates at the same time. That was a pretty dumb idea on Jake’s part and it helps to explain why Tiffani has been cheating with Blumford.

Needless to say, Jake’s dumbass plan explodes in his face. Fortunately, the Dreams know how to fix the situation, They hold a dating game of their own so that Jake and Tiffani can see that they belong together. Tony is the host and William James Jones totally throws himself into the performance. For some reason, the fake dating game is held at Sharky’s. As far as I could tell, no one was ordering food during the dating game. If Sharky’s goes out of business, blame it on the Dreams and their constant drama.

These two episodes felt very much like they belonged more on Saved By The Bell than California Dreams but no matter! This cast long ago proved that they had the chemistry necessary to transcend even mundane material and that’s certainly what happens here. Jake and Tiffani forgive each other and the audiences says, “Awwww!’ but somewhere, Principal Blumford’s heart is breaking.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 3.12 “Harley and the Marlboro Man” and 3.13 “Rebel Without A Nerve”

Posted on January 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, it’s all about Jake trying to retain his cool.

Episode 3.12 “Harley and the Marlboro Man”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 3rd, 1994)

“You can’t hide your smoking behind tic tacs and old spice!”

Yes, it’s time for another TNBC anti-smoking episode. In California Dreams, Jake Summers starts to smoke after he see his super cool Uncle Frank lighting a cigarette. Soon, Jake is totally addicted. He can’t stop! It doesn’t matter how many times the members of the band make him look at a picture of a cancerous lung. It doesn’t matter that Lorena won’t kiss him. It doesn’t matter that no one wants to be a friend with a smoker. After smoking for one week, Jake Summers is hopelessly addicted. He’s got the nicotine monkey on his back! But then Frank shows up and says, “I’m dying Jake.”

Good Lord, this was heavy-handed. This is actually the second time that I’ve watched and written about this episode and my reaction to episode pretty much remains the same. I simply cannot believe that Jake Summers, an aspiring rocker who has spent his entire life hanging out with motorcyclists, never smoked a cigarette until he saw his Uncle Frank light up. The Dreams themselves acted as if smoking a cigarette was the most scandalous thing in the world. So, I guess no one smoked weed in 1990s California? No one did cocaine in 1990s California? None of the other bands at the Battle of the Bands ducked behind Sharkey’s to have a cigarette? Seriously, there’s a difference between not liking cigarettes and being unbelievably naïve. At one point, Tiffani says that nicotine is more addictive than crack cocaine. I’ve seen several David Simon-produced shows and I just don’t believe that.

Anyway, the Dreams deal with this problem in the same way that they deal with everything. They throw a benefit concert at Sharkey’s.

Episode 3.13 “Rebel Without A Nerve”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 10th, 1994)

Jake Summers is afraid he’s losing his cool!

Not only is there a new kid at school who is talking about Jake behind his back but Jake has twice crashed his motorcycle! With his confidence shaken, Jake decides that it would be safer to accept Principal Blumford’s offer to join the school safety patrol! Just as he was in Budget Cuts, Blumford is played Earl Boen. In this episode, there’s yet another shoutout to Boen’s role in the Terminator films when Boen tells a photographer that some people have mistaken him for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Anyway, Jake eventually realizes how dorky he looks wearing the safety monitor sash so he decides to challenge the new kid to racing the infamous “Coolman’s Curve,” which is apparently the most dangerous road in California. The new kid backs down and Jake is once again proclaimed the coolest student at Pacific Coast High. Yay!

This episode was incredibly silly but, in its way, it worked. Jake continually crashing his bike made me laugh a little more than it should have. What made the joke work was that all of the accidents were due to an inconvenient speed dump that had been put in the parking lot by the safety patrol. Safety Week turned out to be the most dangerous week in California.

The important thing is that Jake did not lose his cool and, as a result, was allowed to continue living his California dream.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 3.2 “Follow Your Dreams” and 3.3 “Budget Cuts”

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week is all about aptitude tests and radio stations!

Episode 3.2 “Follow Your Dreams”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 17th, 1994)

The school guidance counselor (Christopher Hewett) gives everyone an aptitude test. Mark discovers that he should be a guidance counselor. Tiffani discovers she should be a vet. Tony discovers that he should be a musician. (Way to go, Tony!) Lorena’s ideal career choice is fashion designer. The same is true of Sly, largely because he copied off of Lorena’s test. Jake, meanwhile, is told he should go into arranging flowers.

This comes at a bad time for Jake. He’s been suffering from writer’s block and, when the test says that he has no artistic skills, he considers giving up music. Fortunately, he changes his mind. The Dreams already lost Matt, I doubt they could survive losing Jake.

Meanwhile, Sly briefly becomes Lorena’s boyfriend but that only lasts a day before she discovers that he copied her test. She humiliates Sly by forcing him to dress up like a caveman for a school presentation. (Sly actually looks good as a caveman so it doesn’t quite work.) Fear not. Sly and Lorena will eventually get a second chance in another season or two.

This was a good episode. Tony turning into a pretentious beatboxer was especially amusing.

Episode 3.3 “Budget Cuts”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 24th, 1994)

What was the deal with Peter Engel-produced shows and school radio stations?

Saved By The Bell had a school radio station that was used to help save the Max. City Guys had a radio station that became a major part of the show after Chris and Jamal abandoned work on the video yearbook. Did Hang Time have a school radio station? It honestly would not shock me if they did.

Anyway, California Dreams also has a school radio station and Sly has been named the general manager. Of course, all of the Dreams get programs of their own. Mark becomes a drama critic and upsets Tony by ridiculing his performance as Hamlet. Sam gets a job running an advice show and tells people to go see Mrs. Doubtfire. Jake gets a show called “Shut Up and Listen!” And Lorena does a show about fashion. (“Combats boots are hot but wearing them with tube socks is not.”)

The radio station is a huge success for everyone but Jake. As Sly points out, people don’t want to be told to shut up and listen. When Jake refuses to change his format, Sly fires him. The audience gasps. One scene later, Principal Blumford (played by character actor Earl Boen), enters the radio station and announces that the school board has decided to cut funding for the radio station!

I’m sure you can guess what happens next. Lorena, Tiffani, and Sam want to start a petition to save the station. Jake ridicules them for not being “real rebels” so Lorena proves him wrong by locking herself in the radio station and broadcasting without authorization. Jake is so impressed that he not only makes out with Lorena (on the air) but he also attends a school board meeting and successfully argues that the station is important. Jake wears a suit to the meeting. The audience goes crazy. The episode ends with him and Lorena declaring their love for each other while everyone else celebrates the fact that the radio station has been saved.

This is actually my second time to review this episode. The first time I reviewed it, I think I was a little bit dismissive but I better appreciated it this time. Some of that’s because I’ve been watching One World, a show in which the cast had absolutely no chemistry. After watching something like One World or some of the lesser episodes of City Guys, it’s easier to see just how well the cast of California Dreams played off of each other. They’re believable as friends and bandmates and that definitely adds something to the show, regardless of how broad some of the humor may be.

The highlight of this episode? Lorena calling Jake “fake Fonzi.” What made it work was that Jake responded by saying, “Heeeey.” A close second would be Principal Blumford announcing, “I’ll be back,” which was a nice shoutout to Earl Boen’s role in The Terminator franchise.

Next week …. more music!