Horror Film Review: Mortuary (dir by Howard Avedis)

Posted on October 25, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here! Watch the trailer for the 1983 slasher film, Mortuary!

(It’s the first trailer shown in the video below. Be sure to stick around for the Humongous trailer.)

OH MY GOD! That sure was scary, wasn’t it!? In case you didn’t recognize him, that was beloved horror character actor Michael Berryman getting dragged into that grave. No matter how bad the film was (or is), Michael Berryman was one of those actors who was always worth watching. Based on the trailer, Mortuary has got to be some sort of classic, right?

Well…no.

The trailer’s a classic but, unfortunately, it has nothing to do with the film. This isn’t just a case of scenes from the film being edited into the trailer in such a way that the audience is misled as to what’s actually going on in the movie. Almost all trailers do that…

No, the trailer for Mortuary contains literally no scenes from the actual film. Michael Berryman isn’t even in Mortuary!

But you know who is in the film?

BILL PAXTON!

That’s right … a very young Bill Paxton made his film debut in Mortuary. Even better, he got to play the killer! Now, I know you probably think that I just spoiled the film for you but seriously, Paxton is so obviously the murderer that it doesn’t really count as a spoiler. Paxton plays Paul Andrews, the teenage son of mortician, Hank Andrews (Christopher George). Everyone agrees that Paul is a little bit weird. Or, as someone says in the film, “Paul’s been so strange since his mother committed suicide.” Someone else agrees and then adds that it probably doesn’t help that apparently, Hank used to force Paul to sleep in the mortuary.

In the role of Paul, Paxton gives a very odd performance. I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s a good performance and, if I ever meet Bill Paxton, I’m not going to bring this movie up. But seriously, Paxton’s performance is so weird that you can’t stop watching him. There’s a scene where he literally skips through a cemetery. He seems to be having fun and good for him!

Paul is a little obsessed with Christie (Mary Beth McDonough). Christie has been having issues since her father’s mysterious drowning. Everyone keeps telling Christie that her father just had an accident in the pool but the audience knows — via the first scene in the film — that her father was only in that pool because someone hit him with a baseball bat. Ever since her father’s death, Christie has been sleep walking and having night terrors. She demands that her boyfriend, Greg (David Wallace), help her find out what really happened to her father.

Greg, however, is still trying to figure out what happened to his best friend, Josh (Denis Mendel). Earlier, Greg and Josh broke into the mortuary so that they could steal a tire. Josh went off on his own and ended up getting stabbed to death with an embalming pipe. Greg never noticed because he was busy spying on what was apparently a black magic ceremony involving Hank and a coven of witches.

And one of the witches was … Christie’s mother, Eve (Lynda Day George)!

When Eve isn’t busy practicing the dark arts, she’s telling her daughter that she needs to get over her father’s death. Is Eve trying to drive Christie crazy? Does Hank know that Paul is homicidal? Will Greg ever figure out that Josh is dead?

And most importantly — will this film feature any disco roller skating!?

YOU BET IT DOES!

I’m probably making Mortuary sound more fun that it actually is. It’s actually a fairly slow-moving slasher film and neither Greg nor Christie are particularly interesting or likable. Still, the film features Bill Paxton skipping in a cemetery and that’s worth something.

If you’re willing to look, you can find Mortuary on YouTube, though I’ve been told that the version that was uploaded was the television version so some things have been cut out.

But you know who hasn’t been cut out?

BILL PAXTON, THAT’S WHO!

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #43: The Stepmother (dir by Howard Avedis)

Posted on April 25, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Just looking at the poster for the 1972 film The Stepmother, I bet you think it’s a pretty scandalous and sordid film. I mean, there’s a picture of a woman wearing a black bra and there’s a tagline that reads, “She forced her husband’s son to commit the ultimate sin!”

Well, perhaps not surprisingly considering that this is a Crown International film, The Stepmother‘s poster and tagline have very little do with the actual film. Yes, the film does feature a stepmother and, during the final 20 or so minutes of the film, her stepson does finally show up and she does end up sleeping with him. It’s consensual. There’s no forcing involved. And, as far as the ultimate sin part is concerned — well, her husband has been doing a lot worse.

The film itself is actually about the husband. Frank Delgado (Alejandro Rey) is a wealthy architect who is also insanely jealous of his new wife, Margo (Katherine Justice). Whenever he suspects that Margo is cheating on him, he ends up killing someone. And, as a matter of fact, even when he doesn’t think Margo is cheating on him, he ends up killing someone. Frank, of course, has to find a way to cover up all of his various murders. It doesn’t help that Inspector Darnezi (John Anderson) is constantly snooping around. And then, once he discovers that his stepson actually has slept with Margo (as opposed to all the people he killed just because he assumed they had slept with Margo), Frank is forced to decide whether or not to kill his own son.

The Stepmother is available in about a dozen Mill Creek boxsets and it’s fun in a 1972 sort of way. Frank and all of his friends are decadent rich people so you could argue that the film is meant to be a portrait of the immorality of the 1%. (That would actually be a pretty stupid argument but it’s one that you could make if you’re trying to impress someone who hasn’t read this review.) Director Howard Avedis tries to liven up the plot by including a lot of artsy touches that don’t really add up to much but which are still fun to watch. Occasionally, he’ll toss in a freeze frame for no particular reason. As well, Frank has a habit of hallucinating. He continually sees his first victim running across the beach in slow motion. Make a drinking game out of it. Every time it’s obvious that The Stepmother was trying to fool people into thinking it was a European art film, take a drink.

To be honest, the most interesting thing about The Stepmother is that it is the only Crown International film to have received an Oscar nomination! That’s right! The Stepmother was nominated for Best Original Song. The name of the song was Strange Are The Ways Of Love. You can listen to it below if you want. Feel free to dance.

Anyway, that’s The Stepmother for you. It’s not my favorite Crown International film but, as a historical oddity, it’s still worth watching.

Back to School #14: The Teacher (dir by Howard Avedis)

Posted on August 26, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“She Corrupted The Youthful Morality of an Entire School!” the tagline for the 1974 film The Teacher screams out.

Uhmmm, no.

In fact, that’s probably one of the most deceptive taglines in the history of film advertising. However, we shouldn’t be surprised that it was used. Like The Young Graduates, The Teacher was produced by Crown International Pictures. Crown International was all about getting people to buy tickets and they probably figured that more people would pay to see a movie about a teacher corrupting “an entire school” than they would for a film about a 28 year-old teacher having an affair with one (and only one) 18 year-old who has recently graduated high school.

The relationship is between Diane (Angel Tompkins) and Sean (Jay North). Diane lives next door to Sean’s family. She’s married to a man who spends most of his time on the road, racing motorcycles and only occasionally calling his wife. Diane is a teacher but we only briefly see her standing outside of the local high school. While Sean admits that he has always had a crush on her and, at the start of the movie, even spies on her while she’s sunbathing, it’s never made clear whether or not Sean was ever actually in any of her classes. In fact, the only thing controversial about their eventual relationship is that there’s a 10 year age difference between them. But that really doesn’t seem to bother anyone, with the exception of two old women who happen to see Diane and Sean out on a date.

Teacher and Not A Student

That, of course, doesn’t mean that Diane doesn’t have anything to teach Sean. As the film’s theme song tells us, “Every boy needs a teacher, to help show him the way…”

But here’s the thing. Considering how tawdry one would naturally expect a film like The Teacher to be, it’s actually treats Diane and Sean’s relationship with a lot of sensitivity. Tompkins and North have a lot of chemistry together and both of them give natural and believable performances. In many ways, this film is a sincere attempt to explore an unlikely relationship. I’ve always felt that in almost every 70s exploitation film, there’s an art film waiting to break out. That’s certainly the case with The Teacher.

However, The Teacher isn’t just about Diane “teaching” Sean. It’s also about a guy named Ralph, who also happens to be obsessed with Diane. (When, at the start of the film, Sean is spying on Diane, little does he suspect that Ralph is spying on him.) We know Ralph is a bit off because he’s always talking to himself, he drives a hearse, and he’s played by Anthony James. You may not recognize his name but if you’re a fan of 70s and 80s exploitation cinema, you know who Anthony James is. He’s one of those very intense, very creepy-looking character actors who would always show up playing psychos and evil henchmen.

Anthony James

Ralph is not only obsessed with Diane but he also blames Sean for the death of his younger brother. It seems that Sean and Ralph’s brother were spying on Diane when, somehow, Ralph’s brother ended up falling to his death. (If you get the feeling that literally every male in this film appears to spend the majority of his time watching Diane — well, you’re right.) Ralph wants vengeance and, in his defense, Sean never really does seem to be that upset about the death of his best friend.

Because this film was made in the 70s, it all leads to surprisingly somber ending that will probably inspire you to reconsider any belief you may have in a benevolent God.

I have to admit that, out of all the Crown International films that I’ve recently watched, The Teacher was a favorite of mine. Watching the film — with its constantly shifting tone and it’s mix of arthouse pretension and grindhouse melodrama — is an odd experience that epitomizes everything that I love about old exploitation films.

Thank you, Crown International, for always being you.