Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.4 “Message In A Bottle”

Posted on November 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

Save me!

Episode 1.4 “Message In A Bottle”

(Dir by Kim Manners, originally aired on October 20th, 1989)

Hobie’s such a dumbass.

For the second time in like four episodes (and that’s not counting the pilot), the entire Baywatch team is mobilized to search for him after he goes missing. This time, Hobie overhears Mitch and his ex-wife arguing over who should have custody of him so Hobie and two of his stupid little friends head off to an island that’s also being used by a couple of murderous modern-day pirates.

Seriously, Hobie — stuff like this isn’t going to look good when Craig is in court and trying to argue that you should stay in California with your Dad. So far, Hobie has nearly been killed by a collapsing pier, he’s ended up getting chased by a murderer on a jet ski and, in this episode, he’s menaced by two other murderers. It’s time to send Hobie to Indiana or some place else where there’s no ocean.

In other news, Shauni accidentally drives over Eddie’s foot so Mitch orders them to work the 24-hour shift together so that they can learn how to work as a team. Truth be told, Eddie is a bit of whiny punk and he definitely needs to learn how to work with other people. That said, I think Mitch is overlo0king the fact that Shauni, a trained lifeguard, drove over someone’s foot. (Shauni was apparently backing out and didn’t realize Eddie was behind her, which is even worse.) Mitch finds the whole thing to be amusing and, later, Shauni has a good laugh when she nearly runs over Eddie a second time. I don’t think any of these people should be anywhere near anyone who needs help. Sometimes, people really should just stand in the darkness.

This episode was supposed to make me appreciate the efforts of the Baywatch lifeguards to protect the beach and to find missing kids like Hobie. Instead, it just made everyone look incompetent and irresponsible. Halfway through this episode, I wanted someone to get attacked by a shark. It hasn’t happened yet but at least the show has given me something to which to look forward.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.3 “Second Wave”

Posted on October 25, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Trouble comes to Malibu!

Episode 1.3 “Second Wave”

(Dir by Scott Brazil, originally aired on October 13th, 1989)

Jimmy Roche (Daniel Quinn), an old friend-turned-enemy of Eddie’s, is in Malibu and he and his gang are eager to give Eddie a hard time. When Eddie tries to rescue a man in the water, Jimmy trips him and then plays keep-away with Eddie rescue can. Dang, these guys are hardcore!

Eddie doesn’t want to tell anyone about his past, even after Jimmy files an assault complaint against him. (Eddie was provoked into throwing a punch.) Jimmy threatens to robs Gina and Craig unless Eddie gives him some money. Eddie agrees to meet with Jimmy but then tells the cops. Garner Ellerbee decides to set up an undercover sting, which basically means that Garner stands next to Eddie while Eddie waits for Jimmy to show up. Somehow, Jimmy figures out what’s going on. Looks like Eddie will just have to beat Jimmy up on the beach and prove that he’s no longer a delinquent from Philadelphia.

That would be an intense storyline, if not for the fact that Jimmy himself comes across as being kind of a wimp. I mean, a young David Spade is a member of his gang! Eddie allows himself to be intimidated by a young David Spade! Think about that. This storyline just made Eddie seem kind of dumb,

Meanwhile, a young Mariska Hargitay gave a terrible performance as Lisa (hey!), the daughter of the head of the country club. Lisa (!) decided to pursue a romance with the country club’s lifeguard, Trevor, as a way of upsetting her father. When Lisa (!) jumped into the ocean to make a point (though I’m not sure what point), Trevor rescued her. However, Lisa (!) later went into shock because she still had water in her lungs. Trevor was able to get her to the hospital in time but he learned an important lesson about not being a cocky lifeguard.

“The county lifeguards know about secondary drowning,” he’s told.

Okay, so why wouldn’t Trevor know about that? The whole idea behind Trevor’s character is that he was a hotshot lifeguard in Australia before he came to California. So, is the show implying that he wasn’t trained in lifeguard basics in Australia because given how famous Australia is for its beaches, I find that hard to believe.

Anyway, after she recovers Lisa (!) announces that she’s going back to New York and Trevor realizes that she was only using him to make her father angry. Trevor stops by Baywatch HQ and talks to Mitch and admits that he doesn’t enjoy working as a lifeguard. Lifeguard Jill Riley gives him a sympathetic look. It looks like they’re falling in love but I’ve seen this series before so I already know that Jill is going to get eaten by a shark and Trevor is going to vanish after a few more episodes.

This episode could have used a shark.

We love you, Roboshark!

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.2 “Heat Wave”

Posted on October 18, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Save me!

Episode 1.2 “Heat Wave”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on September 29th, 1989)

Not much of an episode this week, I’m afraid.

California is dealing with a heat wave and no one has air conditioning (really?) so everyone in Los Angeles is heading down to the beach so that they can relax in the hot sand. Eddie and Trevor keep giving each other the side eye because Eddie is a Baywatch lifeguard and Trevor is a country club life guard. Eddie tries to hit on a woman who has spent the entire day relaxing near his tower but it turns out that she’s visiting from Australia and only has eyes for Trevor. “Maybe next time,” she tells Eddie.

Craig is told by his boss that he has to choose between being a lawyer at a big firm or a lifeguard. Craig’s wife, Gina, suggests that Craig quit the law firm and become a beachfront lawyer. She says that he can still be a lifeguard and he can just use their kitchen table as his desk. I don’t know if I would be as understanding as Gina. Craig was making a lot of money as a big corporate lawyer, even if he apparently couldn’t afford to get an air conditioner.

(What the Heck, California? How are you surviving with air conditioning!?)

Meanwhile, two stupid kids get trapped in a storm drain. Mitch sends the junior lifeguards out to look for them. Hobie asks, “What can a bunch of junior lifeguards do?” Mitch replies that this is an opportunity for the junior lifeguards to go to all the places that they’re usually not allowed to go. So, basically, Mitch’s plan to find the missing kids is to put a bunch of other kids at risk. I guess that’s why he’s the lieutenant.

Luckily, the two dumb kids are rescued. One of the kids is the son of Steve Humboldt (Jeffrey Byron), a former Baywatch lifeguard. It turns out that Steve lost custody of his kid in a court case and he basically abducted him. But, after the kid nearly dies, Steve is like, “We’re going to call your mom and go home!” and that apparently makes everything okay under the “He Changed His Mind Afterwards” clause.

This was all pretty dumb. Stay out of the storm drain, kids! It’s not that difficult.

Bonus Horror on TV: Baywatch Nights 2.12 “Frozen Out Of Time” (dir by Rick Jacobson)

Posted on October 17, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, I’ve decided to share a bonus hour of televised horror. Tonight, we present to you an episode of Baywatch Nights that originally aired on February 9th, 1997. In this one, two 900 year-old Vikings are causing chaos in Los Angeles! Who can stop them?

David Hasselhoff, of course!

(You can read my review of this beautifully odd episode here. Valhalla!)

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.1 “In Deep”

Posted on October 11, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Hobie’s a snitch!

Episode 1.1 “In Deep”

(Dir by Peter H. Hunt, originally aired on September 22nd, 1989)

Hobie, you idiot!

Mitch’s young son is spending the summer with his father and he’s supposed to be concentrating on summer school. Instead, he hanging out with two older guys, Scott (Christopher Murphy) and Ron (Lance Gilbert), and basically letting himself be used as a slave in return for jet ski lessons.

Mitch is not a fan of jet skis. They’re unregulated and they’re dangerous, he says. As if to prove Mitch’s point, Scott collides with a windjammer! The woman on the windjammer is killed. (Craig and Eddie pull her body out of the ocean, which is the type of sad thing that Baywatch would eventually stop featuring.) Hobie, realizing Scott is guilty, tries to find the evidence to prove it and nearly gets himself killed as a result. Fortunately, Mitch is able to save him and Scott is arrested. I have to say that, after this episode, I kind of found myself agreeing with Mitch’s ex-wife. The beach is too dangerous!

Meanwhile, Craig caught Eddie sleeping in his lifeguard tower and realized that Eddie, who I assume is getting paid to be a lifeguard, doesn’t have a home. Did he ever have a home? Has he been sleeping on the beach all this time? How did he apply for Lifeguard School without an address? Anyway, Craig takes Eddie back to his Venice loft, where Craig’s wife (now played by Holly Gagnier, replacing the pilot’s Gina Hecht) decides that they should let Eddie rent their storage room. It’s even got a view of the beach, if you ignore all the other buildings in the way and instead just find that one unobstructed alley to look down. (Actually, Eddie finding and looking down that alley was cute and likable. He was so excited!) I have to say that, for a lawyer, Craig’s loft really sucked. It was pretty impressive for a lifegaurd, though.

The other big development this week is that Garner Ellerbee (Gregory Alan Williams) made his first appearance as the beach cop who hates sand. (Then why become a beach cop?) He and Mitch appear to be old friends. Little do they know that they will eventually open up a detective agency together.

This episode was predictable but the cast was super likable. The earnestness of it all carried the day.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier

Posted on October 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, I start a new series of reviews. Since I already did Baywatch Nights, it just made sense to go ahead and do Baywatch. All together, this show ran for 11 and a movie so it should only take 241 weeks to finish up the series….

“Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier”

(Dir by Richard Compton, originally aired on April 29th, 1989)

It’s not easy being a lifeguard.

That would seem to be the main theme running through Panic at Malibu Pier, the two-hour movie that also served as a pilot for Baywatch. Consider the drama:

Mitch Buchanan (David Hasselhoff) loves the beach and he loves getting in the water but it’s cost him his marriage and now, his ex-wife (Wendie Malick) is suing for sole custody of their young son, Hobie (Brandon Call). Hobie doesn’t like going to school. He doesn’t understand why he can’t just spend all day on the beach like his father. Mitch, meanwhile, has been promoted to lieutenant of Baywatch and he’s now no longer supposed to do rescues. He’s just supposed to supervise the other lifeguard. His boss, Captain Thorpe (Monte Markham), is very insistent on that. Mitch explains that he doesn’t even like wearing socks. Ewwww. You have to wear socks, Mitch!

Eddie Kramer (Billy Warlock) is a rookie lifeguard. He finished at the top of his class but he’s also a tough kid from Philadelphia who grew up in the foster system. Shauni (Erika Eleniak) is another rookie lifeguard who freezes up when she has to provide CPR to a drowned girl. Her mentor, Jill (Shawn Weatherly), tells Shauni that it happens to every lifeguard. I bet it’s never happened to Mitch. Shauni seems to have a crush on Eddie and Eddie seems to be driven to prove himself. Eddie has guts because he wears a Philadelphia t-shirt in California.

Al Gibson (Richard Jaeckel) is the veteran lifeguard who is reaching retirement age and who dies at the end of the episode and gets a big lifeguard funeral on the beach.

Trevor (Peter Phelps) is the Australian lifeguard who calls everyone “mate.”

Finally, Craig Pomeroy (Parker Stevenson) is the attorney who prefers to spend his time in his lifeguard tower. Even when he should be at the office and working for his clients, Craig just hangs out at his tower. He saves the life of a disturbed teenager named Laurie (Madchen Amick). Laurie subsequently becomes obsessed with him. When the married Craig tells her to stay out of his lifeguard tower and stop taking off all of her clothes, she accuses Craig of assaulting her. Later, she tries to murder Craig’s wife (Gina Hecht). This all could have been avoided if Craig had just gone to his office like he was supposed to.

This pilot film for Baywatch has everything that the show would make famous — stiff line deliveries from the supporting cast, red swimsuits, David Hasselhoff’s earnestly goofy sincerity, slow motion, and plenty of musical montages. Amongst the guest cast, Madchen Amick stands out at the obsessive Laurie, showing an ability for handling melodrama that would be put to good use on Twin Peaks. Take a drink every time Mitch says, “Rescue can,” and see how long you can go before passing out. Unlike a lot of pilots that don’t really resemble the eventual show, Panic at Malibu Pier is unmistakably Baywatch.

And, watching it, you can see why the show eventually became a success. The beach scenery is nice. The men are athletic, the women are pretty, and the slow motion is cool the first time you see it. Of course, the most important thing about the pilot — and the show itself — is that it doesn’t require a good deal of attention. It’s one of those things where you can step away from the screen for a few minutes and then come back without having worry about having missed anything important.

Panic at Malibu Pier was a ratings hit. Baywatch followed. We’ll get into that next week.

Made-For-TV Movie Review: The Cartier Affair (dir by Rod Holcomb)

Posted on July 17, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1984’s The Cartier Affair, David Hasselhoff plays Curt Taylor. He has spent the last few years in prison, having been convicted of selling deeds to fake oil wells. He has passed the time by watching a soap opera that stars actress Cartier Rand (Joan Collins). He has also managed to get in debt to the local prison mob boss, Phil Drexler (Telly Savalas).

When Curt learns that he’s being released from prison, Drexler informs him that he’s still expected to find a way to pay off his debt. On the outside, Curt discovers that even his parole officer (Ed Lauter) works for Drexler! Curt is assigned to become the private secretary of Cartier Rand and to steal her jewelry. In order to get the job, Curt has to pretend to be gay. That’s the only way that Cartier’s boyfriend (Charles Napier) would be willing to accept the idea of a male private secretary.

(Wouldn’t it just be simpler for Curt to rob a bank or something?)

Once he’s a part of the household staff, Curt discovers that Cartier is more than just the star of his favorite soap opera. She’s someone who is tired of reciting melodramatic dialogue and kissing her co-stars. She has serious ambitions. Curt is immediately attracted to her and soon, Cartier is attracted to Curt. But, of course, Curt is pretending to be gay and, to his horror, Cartier sets Curt up with one of her gay friends.

Meanwhile, the bad guys want their money….

The first half of the film is taken up by scenes of people mistaking Curt for being gay and there are more than a few moments and jokes that a film wouldn’t be allowed to get away with today. A scene where Curt finds himself in a gay bar is cringey because, rather than asking us to laugh at Curt for panicking about finding himself in the rather innocuous location, the film asks us to instead laugh at the sight of men slow-dancing with other men. Early on in the film, there’s a few scene where Hasselhoff overplays his attempts to come across as being gay. Fortunately, Hasselhoff soon stops doing that and his performance improves as the film goes on.

The film gets slightly better during the second half, when Cartier learns the truth about Curt and the two of them somewhat implausibly go on the run from the bad guys. They end up getting chased out to the desert, trading one-liners all the way, and I do have to admit that Collins and Hasselhoff displayed a surprising amount of chemistry during those scenes.

The film is tonal mishmash that doesn’t really work. It tries to parody the type of soap operas that made Cartier Rand a star and it also tries to be a relatively exciting chase film but it keeps getting bogged down in plot points that ultimately feel rather superfluous. My main issue that, if Drexler really wanted to get him money from Curt, it seems like he would have come up with a less complicated scheme, like robbing a bank or fencing stolen goods or something like that. Instead, Curt is supposed to go undercover, pretend to be gay, and rob one of the most famous women on the planet. I mean, Hell, he could have just broken into a jewelry store and gotten it all done in one night. That said, Hasselhoff and Collins have a bit of charm to them. It’s a shame they didn’t co-star in a better film.

Song of the Day: The Passenger, covered by David Hasselhoff

Posted on July 17, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s song of the day, we’ve got David Hasselhoff covering Iggy Pop and appearing to have an existential crisis. Sing it, Hoff!

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special David Hasselhoff Edition

Posted on July 17, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking.

It’s the Hoff’s birthday! That means that it is time for….

4 Shots From 4 David Hasselhoff Films