Tag Archives: David Hasselhoff

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.1 “In Deep”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be purchased on Tubi.

This week, Hobie’s a snitch!

Episode 1.1 “In Deep”

(Dir by Peter H. Hunt, originally aired on September 22nd, 1989)

Hobie, you idiot!

Mitch’s young son is spending the summer with his father and he’s supposed to be concentrating on summer school.  Instead, he hanging out with two older guys, Scott (Christopher Murphy) and Ron (Lance Gilbert), and basically letting himself be used as a slave in return for jet ski lessons.

Mitch is not a fan of jet skis.  They’re unregulated and they’re dangerous, he says.  As if to prove Mitch’s point, Scott collides with a windjammer!  The woman on the windjammer is killed.  (Craig and Eddie pull her body out of the ocean, which is the type of sad thing that Baywatch would eventually stop featuring.)  Hobie, realizing Scott is guilty, tries to find the evidence to prove it and nearly gets himself killed as a result.  Fortunately, Mitch is able to save him and Scott is arrested.  I have to say that, after this episode, I kind of found myself agreeing with Mitch’s ex-wife.  The beach is too dangerous!

Meanwhile, Craig caught Eddie sleeping in his lifeguard tower and realized that Eddie, who I assume is getting paid to be a lifeguard, doesn’t have a home.  Did he ever have a home?  Has he been sleeping on the beach all this time?  How did he apply for Lifeguard School without an address?  Anyway, Craig takes Eddie back to his Venice loft, where Craig’s wife (now played by Holly Gagnier, replacing the pilot’s Gina Hecht) decides that they should let Eddie rent their storage room.  It’s even got a view of the beach, if you ignore all the other buildings in the way and instead just find that one unobstructed alley to look down.  (Actually, Eddie finding and looking down that alley was cute and likable.  He was so excited!)  I have to say that, for a lawyer, Craig’s loft really sucked.  It was pretty impressive for a lifegaurd, though.

The other big development this week is that Garner Ellerbee (Gregory Alan Williams) made his first appearance as the beach cop who hates sand.  (Then why become a beach cop?)  He and Mitch appear to be old friends.  Little do they know that they will eventually open up a detective agency together.

This episode was predictable but the cast was super likable.  The earnestness of it all carried the day.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be purchased on Tubi.

Today, I start a new series of reviews.  Since I already did Baywatch Nights, it just made sense to go ahead and do Baywatch.  All together, this show ran for 11 and a movie so it should only take 241 weeks to finish up the series….

“Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier”

(Dir by Richard Compton, originally aired on April 29th, 1989)

It’s not easy being a lifeguard.

That would seem to be the main theme running through Panic at Malibu Pier, the two-hour movie that also served as a pilot for Baywatch.  Consider the drama:

Mitch Buchanan (David Hasselhoff) loves the beach and he loves getting in the water but it’s cost him his marriage and now, his ex-wife (Wendie Malick) is suing for sole custody of their young son, Hobie (Brandon Call).  Hobie doesn’t like going to school.  He doesn’t understand why he can’t just spend all day on the beach like his father.  Mitch, meanwhile, has been promoted to lieutenant of Baywatch and he’s now no longer supposed to do rescues.  He’s just supposed to supervise the other lifeguard.  His boss, Captain Thorpe (Monte Markham), is very insistent on that.  Mitch explains that he doesn’t even like wearing socks.  Ewwww.  You have to wear socks, Mitch!

Eddie Kramer (Billy Warlock) is a rookie lifeguard.  He finished at the top of his class but he’s also a tough kid from Philadelphia who grew up in the foster system.  Shauni (Erika Eleniak) is another rookie lifeguard who freezes up when she has to provide CPR to a drowned girl.  Her mentor, Jill (Shawn Weatherly), tells Shauni that it happens to every lifeguard.  I bet it’s never happened to Mitch.  Shauni seems to have a crush on Eddie and Eddie seems to be driven to prove himself.  Eddie has guts because he wears a Philadelphia t-shirt in California.

Al Gibson (Richard Jaeckel) is the veteran lifeguard who is reaching retirement age and who dies at the end of the episode and gets a big lifeguard funeral on the beach.

Trevor (Peter Phelps) is the Australian lifeguard who calls everyone “mate.”

Finally, Craig Pomeroy (Parker Stevenson) is the attorney who prefers to spend his time in his lifeguard tower.  Even when he should be at the office and working for his clients, Craig just hangs out at his tower.  He saves the life of a disturbed teenager named Laurie (Madchen Amick).  Laurie subsequently becomes obsessed with him.  When the married Craig tells her to stay out of his lifeguard tower and stop taking off all of her clothes, she accuses Craig of assaulting her.  Later, she tries to murder Craig’s wife (Gina Hecht).  This all could have been avoided if Craig had just gone to his office like he was supposed to.

This pilot film for Baywatch has everything that the show would make famous — stiff line deliveries from the supporting cast, red swimsuits, David Hasselhoff’s earnestly goofy sincerity, slow motion, and plenty of musical montages.  Amongst the guest cast, Madchen Amick stands out at the obsessive Laurie, showing an ability for handling melodrama that would be put to good use on Twin Peaks.  Take a drink every time Mitch says, “Rescue can,” and see how long you can go before passing out.  Unlike a lot of pilots that don’t really resemble the eventual show, Panic at Malibu Pier is unmistakably Baywatch.

And, watching it, you can see why the show eventually became a success.  The beach scenery is nice.  The men are athletic, the women are pretty, and the slow motion is cool the first time you see it.  Of course, the most important thing about the pilot — and the show itself — is that it doesn’t require a good deal of attention.  It’s one of those things where you can step away from the screen for a few minutes and then come back without having worry about having missed anything important.

Panic at Malibu Pier was a ratings hit.  Baywatch followed.  We’ll get into that next week.

Made-For-TV Movie Review: The Cartier Affair (dir by Rod Holcomb)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1984’s The Cartier Affair, David Hasselhoff plays Curt Taylor.  He has spent the last few years in prison, having been convicted of selling deeds to fake oil wells.  He has passed the time by watching a soap opera that stars actress Cartier Rand (Joan Collins).  He has also managed to get in debt to the local prison mob boss, Phil Drexler (Telly Savalas).

When Curt learns that he’s being released from prison, Drexler informs him that he’s still expected to find a way to pay off his debt.  On the outside, Curt discovers that even his parole officer (Ed Lauter) works for Drexler!  Curt is assigned to become the private secretary of Cartier Rand and to steal her jewelry.  In order to get the job, Curt has to pretend to be gay.  That’s the only way that Cartier’s boyfriend (Charles Napier) would be willing to accept the idea of a male private secretary.

(Wouldn’t it just be simpler for Curt to rob a bank or something?)

Once he’s a part of the household staff, Curt discovers that Cartier is more than just the star of his favorite soap opera.  She’s someone who is tired of reciting melodramatic dialogue and kissing her co-stars.  She has serious ambitions.  Curt is immediately attracted to her and soon, Cartier is attracted to Curt.  But, of course, Curt is pretending to be gay and, to his horror, Cartier sets Curt up with one of her gay friends.

Meanwhile, the bad guys want their money….

The first half of the film is taken up by scenes of people mistaking Curt for being gay and there are more than a few moments and jokes that a film wouldn’t be allowed to get away with today.  A scene where Curt finds himself in a gay bar is cringey because, rather than asking us to laugh at Curt for panicking about finding himself in the rather innocuous location, the film asks us to instead laugh at the sight of men slow-dancing with other men.  Early on in the film, there’s a few scene where Hasselhoff overplays his attempts to come across as being gay.  Fortunately, Hasselhoff soon stops doing that and his performance improves as the film goes on.

The film gets slightly better during the second half, when Cartier learns the truth about Curt and the two of them somewhat implausibly go on the run from the bad guys.  They end up getting chased out to the desert, trading one-liners all the way, and I do have to admit that Collins and Hasselhoff displayed a surprising amount of chemistry during those scenes.

The film is tonal mishmash that doesn’t really work.  It tries to parody the type of soap operas that made Cartier Rand a star and it also tries to be a relatively exciting chase film but it keeps getting bogged down in plot points that ultimately feel rather superfluous.  My main issue that, if Drexler really wanted to get him money from Curt, it seems like he would have come up with a less complicated scheme, like robbing a bank or fencing stolen goods or something like that.  Instead, Curt is supposed to go undercover, pretend to be gay, and rob one of the most famous women on the planet.  I mean, Hell, he could have just broken into a jewelry store and gotten it all done in one night.  That said, Hasselhoff and Collins have a bit of charm to them.  It’s a shame they didn’t co-star in a better film.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special David Hasselhoff Edition

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking.

It’s the Hoff’s birthday!  That means that it is time for….

4 Shots From 4 David Hasselhoff Films

Starcrash (1978, dir by Luigi Cozzi, DP: Paul Beeson and Roberto D’Ettorre Piazzoli)

Witchery (1988, dir by Fabrizio Laurenti, DP: Gianlorenzo Battaglia)

Panic At Malibu Pier (1989, dir by Richard Compton, DP: John McPherson)

Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD (1998, dir by Rod Hardy, DP: James Bartle)

 

Film Review: Starcrash (dir by Luigi Cozzi)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Is there a better movie than Starcrash?

First released in 1978, Starcrash takes place in a galaxy that is probably far, far away.  The evil Count Zath Arn (Joe Spinell) is attempting to overthrow the benevolent Emperor (Christopher Plummer).  Zath Arn has built a weapon that is so large and so powerful that it can only be hidden inside of another planet.  (“Like a Death Star?” you say.  Hush, don’t go there….)  The Emperor’s son, Prince Simon (David Hasselhoff), led an expedition in search of the weapon but a surprise attack of glowing red lights led to his ship crashing on the unknown planet.  Simon is missing and Zath Arn’s power is growing.

Two legendary smugglers — Stella Starr (Caroline Munro) and the enigmatic Akton (Marjoe Gortner) — are released from prison and tasked with tracking down both the weapon and Simon.  (Stella was already in the process of escaping when she got the news of her release.)  Accompanied by the duplicitous Thor (Robert Tessier) and the loyal Elle (Judd Hamilton), a robot with a thick Southern accent, Stella and Akton set out to explore the haunted stars.

It’s a journey that leads them to …. well, actually, it only leads them to three planets.  It turns out that the weapon wasn’t that well-hidden after all.  Still, one planet is populated by Amazons and protected by a giant, tin robot.  Another planet is populated by cannibals who wear stone masks.  And then there’s an ice planet where the clouds race across the sky while Stella and Elle try to make it back to their ship without freezing to death.  And if that’s not enough to make things exciting, this film also features David Hasselhoff with a light saber!

There’s no point in denying that Starcrash would never have been made if not for the success of the first Star Wars.  Indeed, the film even begins with an opening crawl and features a shot that is almost a recreation of the first scene in Star Wars.  However, director Luigi Cozzi doesn’t limit himself to just mining Star Wars for inspiration.  The giant tin robot owes a huge debt to the creations of Ray Harryhausen.  The judge that sentences Stella and Akton to prison is the same talking head that appeared in Invaders From Mars.  A scene in which Stella explores an abandoned spaceship owes more than a little to 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Even Akton, with his telepathic powers, seems like he could have stepped out of an episode of Star Trek.

Starcrash makes no secret of its influences but it’s such an energetic and good-natured film that all of the borrowing feels like like a rip-off and more like a very affectionate homage.  It’s obvious that director Luigi Cozzi loved the films from which he borrowed and that love is present in every frame of Starcrash.  Starcrash is a fast-paced space adventure and it’s a lot of fun.  It’s certainly more fun than any of the recent entries in the Star Wars franchise.  Working with a low-budget, an energetic cast, and some surprisingly creative special effects, Cozzi crafts a genuinely entertaining movie.  Marjoe Gortner was never better than he was in Starcrash.  Christopher Plummer, to his credit, brings a truly noble bearing to the role of the Emperor.  Joe Spinell obviously understood that his role didn’t require subtlety and he delivers all of his lines like a villain in an old time serial.  As for David Hasselhoff …. he’s the Hoff and he brings his trademark earnestness to the role of Simon.  Starcrash is the best film that Cozzi ever directed.

A good deal of the success of Starcrash is due to Caroline Munro, who gives such a committed and likable performance as Stella Starr that it’s hard not to mourn the fact that Cozzi was never able to make any more films about the character.  As played by Munro, Stella Starr is a smart, confident, and strong.  Stella loves doing what she does and it’s impossible not share her joy when she announces she’s taking the ship into “hyperspace.”  Even though Stella spends the majority of the film running around in a leather bikini, Munro brings a definite touch of class to the role.  No one is going to push Stella Starr around and certainly, no one is going to destroy the Galaxy on her watch.  Thank to Caroline Munro’s fearless performance, Starcrash is one of the most empowering science fictions ever made.

Starcrash ends with hints of a possible sequel but sadly, there never came to be.  (Not surprisingly, there was an unrelated film that was advertised as being a sequel but which was actually just a softcore science fiction version of Lady Chatterley’s Lover.)  It’s a shame.  Stella Starr definitely deserved to have many more adventures.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.22 “A Thousand Words”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we wrap up Baywatch Nights.

Episode 2.22 “A Thousand Words”

(Dir by Tracy Lynch Britton, originally aired on May 16th, 1997)

After two seasons of gangsters and monsters, Baywatch Nights ends with yet another haunted house story.

Well, technically, it’s actually a haunted restaurant.  Diamont drags Ryan and Mitch to an abandoned restaurant that is said to be haunted.  Accompanying them is a researcher into the paranormal, Sarah (Kathy Tragesar).  Sarah explains that the restaurant has a long history of strange occurrences.  Diamont explains that, recently, two women have been killed and a man left in a coma after entering the restaurant.  Diamont thinks that it’s a poltergeist.  Mitch, as usual, is skeptical.

*sigh*

Seriously, why is Mitch still a skeptic?  I’ve gone into this before but it continues to bother me.  After everything that Mitch had seen and experienced over this season, why does he still refuse to believe in the supernatural?  Even Agent Scully eventually admitted that Mulder had a point.

Anyway, Ryan vanishes and finds herself in another dimension where she’s menaced by the knife-wielding murderer (John Snyder).  The murderer is driven by his relationship with his mother, whose portrait hang around the restaurant and whose painted facial expression changes depending on how determined her son is to kill.  (That was actually a nice touch.)  Mitch puts a call into his old friend (and season one co-star), Garner Ellerbee.  Garner shows up with psychic named Kira (Jazmin Lewis) and soon, Kira is in the other dimension as well….

Long story short, the poltergeist is eventually defeated.  Kira and Ryan come back to our world.  Mitch says that he loves Ryan.  He and Ryan share an embrace and start in on some really passionate kissing.  (Woo hoo!)  The show ends.

The main problem with this episode is that Mitch and Ryan didn’t really get to do that much.  For the most part, Kira did all the work and the episode so focused on her that I wouldn’t be surprised if it was meant to be a sort of backdoor pilot for a proposed series about Kira.  As well, the killer poltergeist is scary when he first appears but he becomes progressively less scary as the episode goes on.  By the end of the episode, he’s just kind of whiny.  As a series finale, this was definitely a bit underwhelming.

That said — hey, Mitch and Ryan kissed!  Seriously, I’ve been waiting for that moment ever since I first started reviewing this show.  No matter what else one might say about Baywatch Nights, David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon had great chemistry together.  I won’t necessarily miss reviewing this show but I will miss seeing the two of them together.

In the end, Baywatch Nights was a pretty uneven show but it was definitely fun.  I think it had potential but I’m going to guess it was doomed by being a part of the Baywatch franchise.  People who didn’t like Baywatch weren’t going to watch a version of the show that took place at night.  People who did like Baywatch were undoubtedly disappointed by the lack of red swimsuits.  The ratings went down.  Judging from the final few episodes, the production budget got seriously cut.  The Hoff and Harmon were fun to watch but their chemistry couldn’t save the show.

Well, that completes Baywatch Nights!  Retro Television Reviews is going on a holiday break but, on January 7th, I will start reviewing a new show in this timeslot!  Until then, happy holidays to all the lifeguards out there.