4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking.
It’s the Hoff’s birthday! That means that it is time for….
4 Shots From 4 David Hasselhoff Films
Starcrash (1978, dir by Luigi Cozzi, DP: Paul Beeson and Roberto D’Ettorre Piazzoli)
Witchery (1988, dir by Fabrizio Laurenti, DP: Gianlorenzo Battaglia)
Panic At Malibu Pier (1989, dir by Richard Compton, DP: John McPherson)
Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD (1998, dir by Rod Hardy, DP: James Bartle)
First released in 1978, Starcrash takes place in a galaxy that is probably far, far away. The evil Count Zath Arn (Joe Spinell) is attempting to overthrow the benevolent Emperor (Christopher Plummer). Zath Arn has built a weapon that is so large and so powerful that it can only be hidden inside of another planet. (“Like a Death Star?” you say. Hush, don’t go there….) The Emperor’s son, Prince Simon (David Hasselhoff), led an expedition in search of the weapon but a surprise attack of glowing red lights led to his ship crashing on the unknown planet. Simon is missing and Zath Arn’s power is growing.
Two legendary smugglers — Stella Starr (Caroline Munro) and the enigmatic Akton (Marjoe Gortner) — are released from prison and tasked with tracking down both the weapon and Simon. (Stella was already in the process of escaping when she got the news of her release.) Accompanied by the duplicitous Thor (Robert Tessier) and the loyal Elle (Judd Hamilton), a robot with a thick Southern accent, Stella and Akton set out to explore the haunted stars.
It’s a journey that leads them to …. well, actually, it only leads them to three planets. It turns out that the weapon wasn’t that well-hidden after all. Still, one planet is populated by Amazons and protected by a giant, tin robot. Another planet is populated by cannibals who wear stone masks. And then there’s an ice planet where the clouds race across the sky while Stella and Elle try to make it back to their ship without freezing to death. And if that’s not enough to make things exciting, this film also features David Hasselhoff with a light saber!
There’s no point in denying that Starcrash would never have been made if not for the success of the first Star Wars. Indeed, the film even begins with an opening crawl and features a shot that is almost a recreation of the first scene in Star Wars. However, director Luigi Cozzi doesn’t limit himself to just mining Star Wars for inspiration. The giant tin robot owes a huge debt to the creations of Ray Harryhausen. The judge that sentences Stella and Akton to prison is the same talking head that appeared in Invaders From Mars. A scene in which Stella explores an abandoned spaceship owes more than a little to 2001: A Space Odyssey. Even Akton, with his telepathic powers, seems like he could have stepped out of an episode of Star Trek.
Starcrash makes no secret of its influences but it’s such an energetic and good-natured film that all of the borrowing feels like like a rip-off and more like a very affectionate homage. It’s obvious that director Luigi Cozzi loved the films from which he borrowed and that love is present in every frame of Starcrash. Starcrash is a fast-paced space adventure and it’s a lot of fun. It’s certainly more fun than any of the recent entries in the Star Wars franchise. Working with a low-budget, an energetic cast, and some surprisingly creative special effects, Cozzi crafts a genuinely entertaining movie. Marjoe Gortner was never better than he was in Starcrash. Christopher Plummer, to his credit, brings a truly noble bearing to the role of the Emperor. Joe Spinell obviously understood that his role didn’t require subtlety and he delivers all of his lines like a villain in an old time serial. As for David Hasselhoff …. he’s the Hoff and he brings his trademark earnestness to the role of Simon. Starcrash is the best film that Cozzi ever directed.
A good deal of the success of Starcrash is due to Caroline Munro, who gives such a committed and likable performance as Stella Starr that it’s hard not to mourn the fact that Cozzi was never able to make any more films about the character. As played by Munro, Stella Starr is a smart, confident, and strong. Stella loves doing what she does and it’s impossible not share her joy when she announces she’s taking the ship into “hyperspace.” Even though Stella spends the majority of the film running around in a leather bikini, Munro brings a definite touch of class to the role. No one is going to push Stella Starr around and certainly, no one is going to destroy the Galaxy on her watch. Thank to Caroline Munro’s fearless performance, Starcrash is one of the most empowering science fictions ever made.
Starcrash ends with hints of a possible sequel but sadly, there never came to be. (Not surprisingly, there was an unrelated film that was advertised as being a sequel but which was actually just a softcore science fiction version of Lady Chatterley’s Lover.) It’s a shame. Stella Starr definitely deserved to have many more adventures.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, we wrap up Baywatch Nights.
Episode 2.22 “A Thousand Words”
(Dir by Tracy Lynch Britton, originally aired on May 16th, 1997)
After two seasons of gangsters and monsters, Baywatch Nights ends with yet another haunted house story.
Well, technically, it’s actually a haunted restaurant. Diamont drags Ryan and Mitch to an abandoned restaurant that is said to be haunted. Accompanying them is a researcher into the paranormal, Sarah (Kathy Tragesar). Sarah explains that the restaurant has a long history of strange occurrences. Diamont explains that, recently, two women have been killed and a man left in a coma after entering the restaurant. Diamont thinks that it’s a poltergeist. Mitch, as usual, is skeptical.
*sigh*
Seriously, why is Mitch still a skeptic? I’ve gone into this before but it continues to bother me. After everything that Mitch had seen and experienced over this season, why does he still refuse to believe in the supernatural? Even Agent Scully eventually admitted that Mulder had a point.
Anyway, Ryan vanishes and finds herself in another dimension where she’s menaced by the knife-wielding murderer (John Snyder). The murderer is driven by his relationship with his mother, whose portrait hang around the restaurant and whose painted facial expression changes depending on how determined her son is to kill. (That was actually a nice touch.) Mitch puts a call into his old friend (and season one co-star), Garner Ellerbee. Garner shows up with psychic named Kira (Jazmin Lewis) and soon, Kira is in the other dimension as well….
Long story short, the poltergeist is eventually defeated. Kira and Ryan come back to our world. Mitch says that he loves Ryan. He and Ryan share an embrace and start in on some really passionate kissing. (Woo hoo!) The show ends.
The main problem with this episode is that Mitch and Ryan didn’t really get to do that much. For the most part, Kira did all the work and the episode so focused on her that I wouldn’t be surprised if it was meant to be a sort of backdoor pilot for a proposed series about Kira. As well, the killer poltergeist is scary when he first appears but he becomes progressively less scary as the episode goes on. By the end of the episode, he’s just kind of whiny. As a series finale, this was definitely a bit underwhelming.
That said — hey, Mitch and Ryan kissed! Seriously, I’ve been waiting for that moment ever since I first started reviewing this show. No matter what else one might say about Baywatch Nights, David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon had great chemistry together. I won’t necessarily miss reviewing this show but I will miss seeing the two of them together.
In the end, Baywatch Nights was a pretty uneven show but it was definitely fun. I think it had potential but I’m going to guess it was doomed by being a part of the Baywatch franchise. People who didn’t like Baywatch weren’t going to watch a version of the show that took place at night. People who did like Baywatch were undoubtedly disappointed by the lack of red swimsuits. The ratings went down. Judging from the final few episodes, the production budget got seriously cut. The Hoff and Harmon were fun to watch but their chemistry couldn’t save the show.
Well, that completes Baywatch Nights! Retro Television Reviews is going on a holiday break but, on January 7th, I will start reviewing a new show in this timeslot! Until then, happy holidays to all the lifeguards out there.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Mitch has a day off but still has to work.
Episode 2.21 “The Vortex”
(Dir by L. Lewis Stout, originally aired on May 9th, 1997)
Mitch has the day off and he’s spending it with Ryan! No matter what else one might say about Baywatch Nights and the direction it took as the production budget grew smaller, David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon made for a cute couple and, as this episode began, I was kind of looking forward to watching them spend the day together.
Unfortunately, when they come across a fortune teller’s shop, Ryan insists that they go inside and discover their future. Mitch mocks Ryan for “believing in that stuff” and says that there’s no such thing as psychic powers or being able to see the future, despite the fact that, over the course of the second season, Mitch has both gotten psychic powers and traveled through time. Seriously, I get that Mitch was supposed to be the skeptic of the group but, by this point in the series, Mitch has seen and dealt with enough that his continual skepticism is just not believable. Especially after last week’s episode, Mitch should be prepared to accept anything. If this was a Lovecraft short story, Mitch would be ranting about the things he’s seen while locked away in an insane asylum.
At first, the store appears to be deserted. Ryan sits at the fortune telling table and, when an actress (played by Priscilla Inga Taylor of Malibu CA), comes in the store, Ryan is able to tell her that she’s going to get the next role for which she auditions. (I’d like to think that Taylor is playing her Malibu CA character, Traycee, here.) After the actress leaves, Mitch and Ryan are suddenly joined by the owner of the shop, Wahote (Floyd “Red Crow” Westerman). Wahote invites them to step behind a curtain and into a vortex and soon, Mitch and Ryan find themselves ten minutes into the future and watching as their future selves receive a call from Teague telling them that they need to investigate a boat that’s come back from the Amazon. Future Mitch complains about always having to do things on his day off. What I find strange is that neither present not future Mitch and Ryan seem to be curious as to why Teague, who apparently has connections with the CIA, is always asking the two of them to do these things.
A mysterious woman (Elaine Bilstad) shows up and says something about pollution and the rain forests. Mitch and Ryan jump around in time and eventually, future Ryan and Mitch have to help present Ryan and Mitch get off the boat because the boat is full of mutants that have been created by pollution. Or something. To be honest, I had a hard time following the plot of this one. Time travel nonsense is always a bit difficult for me to follow and the constantly moving camera was a bit of a distraction.
To give credit where credit is due, this episode had a good deal of atmosphere and, as I said earlier, Hasselhoff and Harmon were a likable team. But the episode’s story was nearly incoherent and the fact that Mitch was still a skeptic at the end of the episode required too great of a suspension of disbelief. During this episode, all I could think about was how obvious it was that Baywatch Nights was on its last legs.
Speaking of which …. next week, we finish up Baywatch Nights! It’s time for it all to end.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, the world goes mad!
Episode 2.20 “Hot Winds”
(Dir by Parker Stevenson, originally aired on May 3rd, 1997)
A hot wind is blowing down from the hills and into Los Angeles.
People are going crazy in the streets. Strangers are attacking each other for no reason. Riots are breaking out. The world seems like it’s gone off its axis and no one knows how to react. Is the heat driving everyone mad or is it something else? Diamont Teague tells Mitch and Ryan that he suspects that something supernatural is happening. Mitch, as usual, argues that people in Los Angeles have always been crazy. Not like this! Diamont says.
Is Diamont correct? As he, Mitch, and Ryan leave the office, they run into an aggravated man who proceeds to beat on a brick wall until his hands are covered in blood. Mitch assumes that the man must be on drugs. Diamont says that they need to drive out to the desert so that they can find the source of the wind. Mitch is skeptical until he starts seeing a ghostly image of a robed man carrying a scythe.
It’s a long trip out to the desert, made even longer by the rioting and the madness all around. Mitch stops long enough to keep a woman from throwing her baby over a ledge. But, as soon as Mitch grabs away her baby, the woman jumps anyway. It’s quite a fall and somehow, the woman survives. Luckily, Mitch is there to render CPR while the crazed crowd watches. The world may going mad but Mitch is still a lifeguard, dammit.
Driving through the desert, Ryan wonders why she, Mitch, and Diamont aren’t going crazy like everyone else. It’s a good question. Seriously, last week was a lot of fun because it gave us a chance to watch the Hoff got possessed by a demon. It’s hard not to regret that he didn’t get a chance to go crazy in this episode.
In the desert, the robed man with the scythe dances. The scythe apparently is what sends down the hot air. If Mitch can get the scythe away from the man, the violence can stop. Who is the man? Apparently, he’s a devil worshipper. Ryan suspects that there might be hundreds of similar people out there. Maybe they’re the ones who are responsible for all the madness in the world! Has Ryan already forgotten that, a few episodes ago, it was established that the Knights Templar secretly controlled the world?
This episode was actually not bad. The scenes of people suddenly going mad were effective and the man in the desert was actually a pretty ominous image. Even the show’s overreliance on Dutch angles felt effective for once, drawing the audience into a world that was permanently off-balance. I enjoyed this episode and I’ll remember it the next time I see a stranger yelling on a street corner.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Mitch gets possessed!
Episode 2.19 “The Eighth Seal”
(Dir by Jon Cassar, originally aired on April 26th, 1997)
Twice, Mitch saves a young girl named Jenny (Esme Ganz) from jumping off a bridge. When Mitch discovers the Jenny’s adoptive parents don’t seem to care whether she lives or dies, he brings her back to his house and lets her stay the night while he tries to figure out what to do about her.
What Mitch doesn’t know is that Jenny is possessed by a demon named Teddy. When Mitch does discover that Jenny is housing a denizen of the damned, he does the worst possible thing that one can do in that situation. He pulls a Karras and allows the demon to enter him. Now, Mitch is possessed. Can Daimont and Ryan get the demon out of Mitch or will Mitch have to run in front of truck in order to knock Teddy out of him?
Believe it or not, Mitch does the latter. He runs in front of a truck! The truck hits him and sends Mitch falling backwards. Mitch is out cold. While Ryan and Daimont try to revive him, Mitch’s spirit is visited by Stephanie Holden (Alexandra Paul). Though this was Stephanie’s first (and only) appearance on Baywatch Nights, she was a prominent member of the Baywatch ensemble for several seasons. Her character, who was always implied to have feelings for Mitch, was eventually killed off. Stephanie’s spirit appears and yes, she is wearing the red Baywatch swimsuit. And while it’s actually a pretty sweet scene as Stephanie tells Mitch that it’s not his time to die, it’s hard not to smile at the fact that Stephanie is apparently still a lifeguard in the afterlife. It’s like she went to Heaven and said, “Give me the reddest and tightest one-piece that you have.”
Things end happily. Mitch is no longer possessed. Jenny is no longer possessed. Jenny’s adoptive parents are consumed in Hellfire but that’s okay because they sucked. And, for once, the viewer is happy as well because this is actually a pretty good episode of Baywatch Nights. Seriously, you have not lived until you’ve seen David Hasselhoff pretend to be possessed by a demon. Beyond that, though, his reunion with Stephanie was actually pretty poignant, red swimsuit and all. If nothing else, it gave Mitch a chance to say goodbye to Stephanie, which was something he never really got to do in Baywatch.
Speaking of Baywatch, do you think Mitch went to his day job and told all the lifeguards, “Hey, you won’t believe what happened to me this weekend!” Probably not. I don’t know if I’d want to work with someone who had a history of getting possessed by demons. That may just be me, though.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Baywatch Nights tries to open an X-File.
Episode 2.18 “Symbol of Death”
(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on April 19th, 1997)
After he’s found wandering around the city and babbling incoherently, Daimont Teague is taken to the hospital. Mitch and Ryan are called to come get him but, by the time they show up, Teague has already wandered off. Teague’s doctor hands Ryan a blue rock that Teague wanted her to have. Suddenly, there’s an explosion in the hospital. Mitch falls to the floor, holding his knee. A wild-eyed man wearing a beret (Terry Kiser) grabs Ryan’s purse. Ryan chases after him and beats him up in the parking lot. Ryan is more upset over her purse nearly being stolen than she is over an apparent terrorist bombing at a hospital. And I don’t blame her! I’d kill to protect any of my purses.
The purse thief turns out to be George Wilson. Wilson explains that he’s a writer and an expert on UFOs. He believes that aliens are already on the Earth and that there’s a huge interstellar conspiracy that controls everything that happens on this planet. (Of course, this show has already established that it’s actually the Knights Templar who control everything.) The blue rock contains some sort of alien presence that apparently possessed Teague and is currently causing him to stumble around the city. Wilson and Ryan team up to track down Teague and protect him from the aliens. It doesn’t make any damn sense but let’s just go with it.
Due to Mitch injuring his knee when that bomb went off, the Hoff is barely in this episode. For that matter, neither Griff nor Donna are in this episode, either. I’m going to guess that this was a cost-cutting measure on the part of the producers because, if there’s any episode in which it would have made sense to call in Griff and Donna, it’s this episode. They could have helped in the search for Teague. As it is, it falls to Ryan and Wilson to do most of the searching. Terry Kiser, who is best known for playing the titular Bernie in Weekend at Bernie’s, is always an amusing presence and he seems to be having a ball playing such a paranoid character. That said, it’s hard not to be a little bit amazed at how quickly Ryan is willing to forgive him for trying to steal her purse.
This episode owed a lot to the X-Files, with its aliens and its murky talk of conspiracies. Unfortunately, it lacks all of the atmosphere necessary to really make its conspiracy-fueled plotline compelling. Despite all of the Dutch angles that are used in this episode, this is still basically a sunny and rather corny Baywatch spin-off. Rather than leaving me feeling paranoid, this episode just let me thinking about silly this whole series truly is. Don’t get me wrong, of course. It’s fun. But it’s also definitely very, very silly.
There’s only four more episodes of Baywatch Nights left to review. I’m going to miss this show after I finish.
Through the Shattered Lens 