Late Night Retro Television Review: Freddy’s Nightmares 1.18 “The Art of Death”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares, a horror anthology show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The entire series can be found on Tubi!

This week’s episode is actually decent.

Episode 1.18 “The Art of Death”

(Dir by Ken Wiederhorn, originally aired on March 12th, 1989)

Jack (Carey Scott) is a talented artist and college student who has a crush on Joan (Laura Schaefer).  When Joan’s jock boyfriend humiliates Jack, Jack suddenly finds himself approached by The Phantom (Judd Omen), a masked figure who claims that he can kill Jack’s enemies if Jack draws a picture of him doing it.  After the jock is killed in a treadmill accident, Joan sees the picture that Jack drew and decides she doesn’t want anything to do with Jack.  The Phantom suggests drawing a picture of him surprising Joan in the shower.  Jack refuses, just to discover that the picture has already been drawn and the Phantom is now holding Joan prisoner in a boiler room.  Jack draws a picture of the Phantom being sucked down a hole.  The Phantom vanishes but …. oh no, now Jack’s wearing the mask!  Jack was the Phantom all along!

As for the second story, Joan struggles to recover from the trauma.  In typical Freddy’s Nightmares fashion, she has a series of hallucinations that lead to her killing her psychiatrist.

This episode actually worked!  The first story was genuinely creepy.  The second story was predictable but it featured a good performance from Laura Schaefer and the action moved at a decent pace.  I’m going to give the majority of the credit to director Ken Wiederhorn, who previously directed one of my favorite zombie films, 1977’s Shock Waves.

This is my final Freddy’s Nightmares review for 2025.  Retro Television Review is taking a break for the holidays, so I can focus on Awards Season and Christmas movies!  Freddy’s Nightmares will return on January 9th.

October Positivity: Revelation Road 2: The Sea of Glass and Fire (dir by Gabriel Sabloff)


Eric Roberts is in this!

That, in itself, isn’t a surprise.  Eric Roberts was also in the first Revelation Road.  He plays the same role in the 2013 sequel.  Roberts is Sheriff Jenson, the not particularly religious sheriff who has to deal with a town that’s gone mad in the wake of the Rapture.  Over the course of one night, dozens of people (including Jenson’s mother) vanished as their souls flew into the air.  Jenson isn’t sure what happened but he knows that there is panic in the streets and that there is also a crazed motorcycle gang to deal with.  In the first film, Roberts was onscreen for maybe two minutes.  He gets closer to five minutes in Revelation Road 2 and you know what?  it’s always nice to see Eric Roberts!

As for the rest of the film, it picks up where the previous one ended.  Josh McManus (David A.R. White) is trying to get home to his family while also resisting the urge to become a killer.  It’s not easy.  Flashbacks reveal that Josh was actually brainwashed by the CIA to be a remorseless killer.  He’s haunted by a mission in the Middle East and the amount of people he killed over there.  He’s joined in his drive home by Beth (Noelle Coet), a teenage girl who has been sent by Jesus himself (Bruce Marchiano) to help guide Josh in the right direction.  Pursuing Josh is the fearsome Hawg (Brian Bosworth), a motorcycle gang leader who is haunted by his own personal tragedy.  Hawg’s daughter, Cat (Andrea Logan White), struggles to understand her father’s anger and hatred.

Revelation Road 2 is a definite improvement over the first film.  If the first film seemed to take forever to go nowhere, Revelation Road 2 is all about Josh’s determination to get back home.  Once he starts that car up, nothing is going to stop him.  If the first film seemed to be a bit too eager to show off Josh’s talent for killing people, Revelation Road 2 features Josh trying to hold back on his murderous instincts.  Flashbacks to Hawg’s past life bring some much-needed nuance and context to his actions and they keep him from being just a one-dimensional villain.  I would dare say that Bosworth actually gives a legitimately good performance in this film.

Though the film wears its influences on its sleeve (Hi, Mad Max!), Revelation Road 2 is still a surprisingly well-done action film.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Paul’s Case (1980)
  2. Star 80 (1983)
  3. Runaway Train (1985)
  4. To Heal A Nation (1988)
  5. Best of the Best (1989)
  6. Blood Red (1989)
  7. The Ambulance (1990)
  8. The Lost Capone (1990)
  9. Best of the Best II (1993)
  10. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  11. Voyage (1993)
  12. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  13. Sensation (1994)
  14. Dark Angel (1996)
  15. Doctor Who (1996)
  16. Most Wanted (1997)
  17. Mercy Streets (2000)
  18. Raptor (2001)
  19. Rough Air: Danger on Flight 534 (2001)
  20. Strange Frequency (2001)
  21. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  22. Border Blues (2004)
  23. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  24. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  25. We Belong Together (2005)
  26. Hey You (2006)
  27. Depth Charge (2008)
  28. Amazing Racer (2009)
  29. The Chaos Experiment (2009)
  30. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  31. Bed & Breakfast (2010)
  32. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  33. The Expendables (2010) 
  34. Sharktopus (2010)
  35. Beyond The Trophy (2012)
  36. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  37. Deadline (2012)
  38. The Mark (2012)
  39. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  40. Assault on Wall Street (2013)
  41. Bonnie And Clyde: Justified (2013)
  42. Lovelace (2013)
  43. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  44. The Perfect Summer (2013)
  45. Revelation Road: The Beginning of the End (2013)
  46. Self-Storage (2013)
  47. Sink Hole (2013)
  48. A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
  49. This Is Our Time (2013)
  50. Bigfoot vs DB Cooper (2014)
  51. Doc Holliday’s Revenge (2014)
  52. Inherent Vice (2014)
  53. Road to the Open (2014)
  54. Rumors of War (2014)
  55. Amityville Death House (2015)
  56. Deadly Sanctuary (2015)
  57. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  58. Las Vegas Story (2015)
  59. Sorority Slaughterhouse (2015)
  60. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  61. Enemy Within (2016)
  62. Hunting Season (2016)
  63. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  64. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  65. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  66. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  67. Dark Image (2017)
  68. The Demonic Dead (2017)
  69. Black Wake (2018)
  70. Frank and Ava (2018)
  71. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  72. Clinton Island (2019)
  73. Monster Island (2019)
  74. The Reliant (2019)
  75. The Savant (2019)
  76. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  77. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  78. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  79. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  80. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  81. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  82. Top Gunner (2020)
  83. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  84. The Elevator (2021)
  85. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  86. Killer Advice (2021)
  87. Megaboa (2021)
  88. Night Night (2021)
  89. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  90. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  91. Red Prophecies (2021)
  92. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  93. Bleach (2022)
  94. Dawn (2022)
  95. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  96. 69 Parts (2022)
  97. The Rideshare Killer (2022)
  98. The Company We Keep (2023)
  99. D.C. Down (2023)
  100. Aftermath (2024)
  101. Bad Substitute (2024)
  102. Devil’s Knight (2024)
  103. Insane Like Me? (2024)
  104. Space Sharks (2024)
  105. The Wrong Life Coach (2024)
  106. Broken Church (2025)
  107. When It Rains In L.A. (2025)

October Positivity: Revelation Road: The Beginning of the End (dir by Gabriel Sabloff)


Eric Roberts is in the 2013 film, Revelation Road: The Beginning of the End.

Of course, he’s only in it for a few minutes.  In fact, if you blink, you will miss him.  He plays Sheriff Jenson, who is in charge of enforcing the law in a small desert community.  He appears long enough to tell salesman John McManus (David A.R. White) not to leave town.  McManus has just killed three armed men who were attempting to rob a general store.  The store’s owner (Ray Wise) invites him to dinner but the cops are curious as to how a salesman could be so proficient at killing people.

Revelation Road plays out over the course of one long night.  A group of bikers, led by the fearsome Hawg (Brian Bosworth), are seeking revenge for the death of their compatriots.  Meanwhile, Iran is pushing the world towards war.  In a motel, a woman asks John for money.  Lighting flashes.  Lights flicker on and off.  The Earth shakes.  It’s a fearful time, largely because the world itself is coming to an end.  A little over an hour into this 88 minute film, there’s a sudden blinding light and suddenly, a fourth of the cast vanishes.  One person who does not vanish runs into a kindly stranger, played by Bruce Marchiano.  Marchiano will be well-known to viewers of faith-based cinema for the number of times that he’s played Jesus.  So, you can probably guess what’s happened.

Revelation Road ends with the promise of a sequel, which means that the film also ends with a lot of unanswered questions.  It makes Revelation Road difficult to really review because it’s obviously meant to be a prologue to the actual story.  I will note that Revelation Road is a surprisingly violent movie, at least by the standards of most faith-based films.  Then again, most of the violence was in self-defense and the Bible itself is full of stories of violent men who found redemption.  In fact, you could probably argue that it’s impossible to do an apocalypse movie that isn’t violent.  We’ll just have to wait to see where this story is heading.

I’ll review the sequel tomorrow.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Paul’s Case (1980)
  2. Star 80 (1983)
  3. Runaway Train (1985)
  4. To Heal A Nation (1988)
  5. Best of the Best (1989)
  6. Blood Red (1989)
  7. The Ambulance (1990)
  8. The Lost Capone (1990)
  9. Best of the Best II (1993)
  10. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  11. Voyage (1993)
  12. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  13. Sensation (1994)
  14. Dark Angel (1996)
  15. Doctor Who (1996)
  16. Most Wanted (1997)
  17. Mercy Streets (2000)
  18. Raptor (2001)
  19. Rough Air: Danger on Flight 534 (2001)
  20. Strange Frequency (2001)
  21. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  22. Border Blues (2004)
  23. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  24. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  25. We Belong Together (2005)
  26. Hey You (2006)
  27. Depth Charge (2008)
  28. Amazing Racer (2009)
  29. The Chaos Experiment (2009)
  30. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  31. Bed & Breakfast (2010)
  32. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  33. The Expendables (2010) 
  34. Sharktopus (2010)
  35. Beyond The Trophy (2012)
  36. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  37. Deadline (2012)
  38. The Mark (2012)
  39. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  40. Assault on Wall Street (2013)
  41. Bonnie And Clyde: Justified (2013)
  42. Lovelace (2013)
  43. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  44. The Perfect Summer (2013)
  45. Self-Storage (2013)
  46. Sink Hole (2013)
  47. A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
  48. This Is Our Time (2013)
  49. Bigfoot vs DB Cooper (2014)
  50. Doc Holliday’s Revenge (2014)
  51. Inherent Vice (2014)
  52. Road to the Open (2014)
  53. Rumors of War (2014)
  54. Amityville Death House (2015)
  55. Deadly Sanctuary (2015)
  56. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  57. Las Vegas Story (2015)
  58. Sorority Slaughterhouse (2015)
  59. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  60. Enemy Within (2016)
  61. Hunting Season (2016)
  62. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  63. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  64. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  65. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  66. Dark Image (2017)
  67. The Demonic Dead (2017)
  68. Black Wake (2018)
  69. Frank and Ava (2018)
  70. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  71. Clinton Island (2019)
  72. Monster Island (2019)
  73. The Reliant (2019)
  74. The Savant (2019)
  75. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  76. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  77. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  78. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  79. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  80. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  81. Top Gunner (2020)
  82. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  83. The Elevator (2021)
  84. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  85. Killer Advice (2021)
  86. Megaboa (2021)
  87. Night Night (2021)
  88. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  89. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  90. Red Prophecies (2021)
  91. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  92. Bleach (2022)
  93. Dawn (2022)
  94. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  95. 69 Parts (2022)
  96. The Rideshare Killer (2022)
  97. The Company We Keep (2023)
  98. D.C. Down (2023)
  99. Aftermath (2024)
  100. Bad Substitute (2024)
  101. Devil’s Knight (2024)
  102. Insane Like Me? (2024)
  103. Space Sharks (2024)
  104. The Wrong Life Coach (2024)
  105. Broken Church (2025)
  106. When It Rains In L.A. (2025)

October Positivity: Sarah’s Choice (dir by Chad Kapper)


You can probably just look at the title and guess what is going on with this 2009 faith-based film.

Sarah Collins (Rebecca St. James) is pregnant and she’s thinking about getting an abortion.  She doesn’t feel that she’s ready to become a mother.  Her quasi-boyfriend works in the same office that she does and, at first, he seems more interested in just hanging out with the boys than actually doing anything that would indicate he would be a good father.  Sarah is up for a promotion at work and, as her best friend (Andrea Logan White) is quick to point out, the bosses aren’t going to promote a woman who might put her family before her job.

On the other hand, Sarah keeps having visions of herself in the future, married and with a daughter who loves her.  Sarah’s sister-in-law (Staci Keanan) talks about how much she loves being a mother.  A local minister (Dick Van Patten) gently suggests that God might be trying to tell Sarah something.  Sarah realizes that her best friend is hardly an unbiased observer when it comes to Sarah’s choice.  Plus, the film takes place during the Christmas season.  There’s happiness and joy everywhere!

As you probably guessed, this is an anti-abortion movie.  That said, as far as faith-based anti-abortion movies go, it’s actually a bit more fair-minded than one might expect.  Sarah struggles with her decision and the film is at least willing to take Sarah’s concerns seriously, as opposed to just portraying her as being either selfish or immature (which is the usual path that most anti-abortion films take).  One character expresses regret for her own past abortion but, again, the film treats the character fairly.  It may not seem like much but compared to something like Allison’s Choice, which featured Jesus Christ showing up and then breaking into tears while standing in an abortion clinic, Sarah’s Choice is downright moderate in its storytelling.

The truth of the matter is that there really aren’t that many subtle films made about abortion, on either side of the debate.  Yes, pro-life films tend to be heavy-handed and too quick to villainize those who feel differently.  But the same can be said of most pro-abortion films as well.  Abortion is one of those issues that tends to bring out the extremists on both sides.  When you see a film like Sarah’s Choice — a film in which no one is accused of committing murder and no one attempts to bomb anyone else — it’s almost a relief, even if you don’t agree with the film’s overall message.

Rebecca St. James gives a sympathetic performance as Sarah and Andrea Logan White brings so much-needed nuance to the role of her best friend.  Dick Van Patten, with his friendly manner and nonjudgmental attitude, is the ideal counselor.  Sarah’s Choice is not a film that is going to win any converts and I imagine that people who are far more politically-minded than me will find a lot to get annoyed about with this movie.  I think that, overall, it’s well-acted and well-made.  It’s a movie not a manifesto.

Guilty Horror Pleasure #87: The ‘Burbs (dir by Joe Dante)


1989’s The ‘Burbs takes place in …. well, it’s right there in the title.

Welcome to the suburbs!  It’s place with big houses, green lawns, and neighbors who often don’t have much to do other than watch each other and gossip.  Ray Peterson (Tom Hanks) lives with his wife, Carol (Carrie Fisher), and is friends with Art Weingartner (Rick Ducommun) and Mark Rumsfield (Bruce Dern).  Ricky Butler (Corey Feldman) is the local teenager.  It’s a nice neighborhood …. at least, until the Klopeks move in.

The Klopeks are viewed with suspicion from the minute they show up.  They’re from a different country, they always seem to be burying something in their backyard, and Dr. Werner Klopek (Henry Gibson) is oddly stand-offish.  When Walter Seznick (Gale Gordon) disappears and the the Klopeks are seen around Walter’s house and with Walter’s dog, Ray and his friends start to suspect that their new neighbors might be ritualistic murderers!

Oh, how I love The ‘Burbs.  The film’s portrait of the suburbs as being a hotbed of paranoia may be a familiar one but it doesn’t matter when you’ve got actors like Tom Hanks and Bruce Dern throwing themselves into their roles.  As always, Hanks is the glue that holds the film and its disparate parts together, giving a likable performance as a man who goes from being the voice of reason to being convinced that his neighbors are cannibals.  Bruce Dern gleefully sends up his own image as a paranoid Vietnam vet but there’s also a sweetness to Dern’s performance that really makes it stand out.  Dern’s character might be a little crazy but he does truly care about his neighbors.

Just as he did with Piranha and The Howling, Dante balances humor with suspense.  He does such a good job of telling the story and getting good performances from his cast, that even the film’s big twist works far better than one might expect.  It’s an 80s film so, of course, a few things explode towards the end of it.  The film’s character-based humor is replaced with some broader jokes but no matter.  The Burbs is an entertaining trip to the heart of suburban paranoia.

As the saying goes, just because you’re paranoid, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t out to get you.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

  1. Half-Baked
  2. Save The Last Dance
  3. Every Rose Has Its Thorns
  4. The Jeremy Kyle Show
  5. Invasion USA
  6. The Golden Child
  7. Final Destination 2
  8. Paparazzi
  9. The Principal
  10. The Substitute
  11. Terror In The Family
  12. Pandorum
  13. Lambada
  14. Fear
  15. Cocktail
  16. Keep Off The Grass
  17. Girls, Girls, Girls
  18. Class
  19. Tart
  20. King Kong vs. Godzilla
  21. Hawk the Slayer
  22. Battle Beyond the Stars
  23. Meridian
  24. Walk of Shame
  25. From Justin To Kelly
  26. Project Greenlight
  27. Sex Decoy: Love Stings
  28. Swimfan
  29. On the Line
  30. Wolfen
  31. Hail Caesar!
  32. It’s So Cold In The D
  33. In the Mix
  34. Healed By Grace
  35. Valley of the Dolls
  36. The Legend of Billie Jean
  37. Death Wish
  38. Shipping Wars
  39. Ghost Whisperer
  40. Parking Wars
  41. The Dead Are After Me
  42. Harper’s Island
  43. The Resurrection of Gavin Stone
  44. Paranormal State
  45. Utopia
  46. Bar Rescue
  47. The Powers of Matthew Star
  48. Spiker
  49. Heavenly Bodies
  50. Maid in Manhattan
  51. Rage and Honor
  52. Saved By The Bell 3. 21 “No Hope With Dope”
  53. Happy Gilmore
  54. Solarbabies
  55. The Dawn of Correction
  56. Once You Understand
  57. The Voyeurs 
  58. Robot Jox
  59. Teen Wolf
  60. The Running Man
  61. Double Dragon
  62. Backtrack
  63. Julie and Jack
  64. Karate Warrior
  65. Invaders From Mars
  66. Cloverfield
  67. Aerobicide 
  68. Blood Harvest
  69. Shocking Dark
  70. Face The Truth
  71. Submerged
  72. The Canyons
  73. Days of Thunder
  74. Van Helsing
  75. The Night Comes for Us
  76. Code of Silence
  77. Captain Ron
  78. Armageddon
  79. Kate’s Secret
  80. Point Break
  81. The Replacements
  82. The Shadow
  83. Meteor
  84. Last Action Hero
  85. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
  86. The Horror At 37,000 Feet

October Positivity: Faith Of Our Fathers (dir by Carey Scott)


2015’s Faith Of Our Fathers tells the story of a road trip to Washington, D.C.

John (Kevin Downes) and Wayne (David A.R. White) might not seem to have much in common.  John is uptight and neurotic, on the verge of getting married but feeling like he has to do one final thing while his fiancée (Candace Cameron Bure) plans their wedding.  Wayne is a proud redneck, someone who lives in a trailer and enjoys picking fights.  When John first shows up at the trailer, Wayne shoots a shotgun at him.  When John refuses to leave, Wayne eventually allows him into the trailer and the two of them talk.

They are linked by their fathers, who both served and bonded in Vietnam.  Through flashbacks, we see how John’s father (Sean McGowan) found strength from his religious faith and how Wayne’s father (Scott Whyte, who viewers of a certain age will recognize from City Guys) eventually set aside his cynicism.  Wayne is in possession of the letters that his father wrote home from Vietnam and John, feeling a need to know who his father was, wants to read those letters.  Wayne agrees to show John the letters if he drives Wayne to Washington D.C. so that they can visit the Vietnam War memorial.

Along the way, the two of them bicker, bond, and have adventures.  This is a road film, which means that it has to take a while for John and Wayne to stop arguing with each other and start to open up about their pasts and their views on the modern world.  They meet a wide variety of people while on their trip, some of whom are trustworthy and many of whom are not.  They also meet Mansfield (Stephen Baldwin), who served in Vietnam with their fathers and who offers up some details about what happened to the men while they were serving in the military.

Unfortunately, the film itself doesn’t really work.  It has all of the flaws that one typically associates with a faith-based filmmaking.  The budget is noticeably low, something that especially becomes an issue during the Vietnam flashbacks.  The dialogue is often didactic.  Downes and White are familiar faces when it comes to faith-based films and they’ve both given good performances in other films but they both feel miscast here.  As played by Downes, John is a bit too neurotic to be believable (or particularly sympathetic) while White’s earnest and, at times, goofy style of performing feels wrong for a character who is supposed to be into random fights and beer.  For someone whose career has largely become about appearing in faith-based films, Stephen Baldwin seems rather detached throughout Faith of our Fathers.  In the flashbacks, he’s one of the least convincing commanding officers that I’ve ever seen in a war film.  In the modern scenes, he just seems bored.  If I’m being hard on Baldwin, it’s because I’ve seen him give really good performances in other films.  Knowing that he could be giving a good performance makes his bad performances all the more frustrating.

I will say this, though.  Faith of Our Fathers takes a stand for supporting our veterans, both when they’re serving and after they’ve come home.  I appreciated that.  All too often, we seem to hold the unpopular wars against those who served, as if the mistakes of those in command are somehow their fault.  That happened with Vietnam and it’s happening right now with Iraq and Afghanistan.  No one should ever be forgotten or deserted by their own country.

 

October Positivity: Holyman Undercover (dir by David A.R. White)


In 2010’s Holyman Undercover, David A.R. White plays Roy.  Roy is an 18 year-old Amish dude from Kansas.  It’s time for him to experience Rumspringa, a period in which he can live life amongst “the English” and decide whether or not he wants to commit to being Amish.  Roy decides to go Los Angeles so he can track down his uncle and work with him as a missionary.

Roy struggles in Los Angeles.  Giving money to one homeless man leads to him nearly getting mugged.  When he meets his uncle, he discovers that Brian (also played by David A.R. White) is now a struggling actor who has a taste for cocaine.  (Brian claims that he’s a holyman working undercover.)  Accompanying Brian to an audition leads to Roy getting cast as Satan on a primetime soap opera.  His wife is played by vapid supermodel Tiffany Towers (Jennifer Lyons).  Meanwhile, the show’s producer is a former country girl named Annie (Andrea Logan White) and soon, Roy is having fantasies about Annie dressing up like an Amish woman and dancing in a field with him.  However, the head of the network (Fred Willard) wants Roy to date Tiffany because it’ll be good publicity for the show.

Throughout it all, Roy remains innocent and confused about the modern world.  He’s never watched television.  He doesn’t know how to use a phone.  He doesn’t understand what a credit card is.  He’s earnest and honest to a fault and, even after Tiffany makes out with him, he continues to insist that he only has eyes for Annie.

Of course, in reality, I imagine that the typical Amish person knows how to use a phone.  I imagine that they probably also know what a television is and they probably even understand that you’re expected to pay your credit card debt.  The Amish may choose to reject a good deal of the modern world but that doesn’t mean that they don’t know what the modern world is.  But this film isn’t meant to be a realistic portrayal of the Amish or of Hollywood or of really anything.

Indeed, I’m not really sure what to make of this film.  It’s faith-based and it ends with Roy delivering a simple message about loving others but the film’s humor is often rather mean-spirited and there’s several jokes that are more than a little racist and homophobic.  (Japanese tourists take pictures while shouting, “Godzilla!”  When Brian ends up in jail, his cellmate is a hulking black man who says his name is Beef because “it’s what’s for dinner.”)  David A.R. White is not bad as Roy but his performance as Brian is incredibly shrill and there’s really no reason, beyond ego, for director White to have cast himself in both roles.

Probably the best thing that one can say about the film is that the name actors — Fred Willard, Clint Howard, Edie McClurg, and Staci Keanan — all manage to survive with their dignity intact.  Indeed, the highlight of the film is, believe it or not, John Schneider earnestly playing himself as the actor who replaces Roy as Satan and who then promptly launches a presidential campaign.  “The country’s going to Hell anyway!” he says, with just the right amount of self-awareness.

Interestingly enough, the film does end with one particularly prophetic scene, as Roy and Annie leave Hollywood to produce an Amish dating show.  Tiffany moves with them to the farm and a group of Amish men compete for her hand in marriage.  Farmer Wants A Wife, anyone?

October Positivity: Hidden Secrets (by Carey Scott)


2006’s Hidden Secrets takes place over the course of one very long weekend.

The death of their friend Chris has reunited a group of acquaintances, who gather for the funeral and then end up staying with Chris’s sister, Sherry (Tracy Melchior), for the weekend.  The men gather on her roof and hammer tiles.  The women …. well, for the most part, the women are just portrayed as being catty and judgmental.

For instance, Rhonda (Autumn Paul), who is married to Christian book author Harold (Gregg Brinkley), is offended that Gary (John Schneider) is doing stem cell research and is a Jewish agnostic who spends most of his time challenging Rhonda’s super-strict interpretation of the Bible.  Interestingly enough, considering that this is a Pureflix film, Rhonda is not portrayed in a positive light and Gary usually gets the better of her in their arguments.  Rhonda even apologizes at the end for being so judgmental.  Of course, since this is a Pureflix film, Gary still ends up converting.

Pastor Jeremy (David A.R. White) is dating reporter Rachel (Staci Keanan).  Rachel suspects that Jeremy is still in love with his ex-girlfriend, Sherry.  Rachel is correct.  You have to feel bad for Rachel, who certainly deserved better than she got in this movie.  Jeremy and Rachel end up sharing a bed at Sherry’s house, which freaks Jeremy out because he’s all about abstinence.

Michael (Corin Nemec) is a gay Christian who practices celibacy and whose main function seems to be to offer people advice.

Anthony (Sean Sedgwick) is a rough and tumble guy who shows up with his latest girlfriend, Sally (Rachael Lampa), and who takes her out dancing for her birthday, even though Rhonda says that Christians shouldn’t dance.

The film follows these characters over the weekend, basically doing a Big Chill sort of thing.  Rhonda judges everyone.  Gary is sarcastic.  Jeremy is torn between Sherry and Rachel.  The night of dancing for Sally’s birthday turns into an extended scene where Anthony, Jeremy, and Harold take to the stage and perform a song. It all wraps up with everyone confessing their fears during a church service and I have to admit that I felt sorry for all the people at the church who probably didn’t have the slightest idea why one group of people suddenly hijacked the service to discuss their own problems.

As far as PureFlix films go, this one was well-made and it actually did have some potential.  No one was completely right and no one was completely wrong.  The main message seemed to be accept and love one another.   That said, it also had some fairly serious flaws.  John Schneider doesn’t give a bad performance but he was still miscast as a Jewish abortionist.  I love Corin Nemec and he gave one of the better performances in Hidden Secrets but the film used his character to promote the destructive “ex-gay” movement and it’s difficult not to be bothered by that.  And finally, the resolution of Sherry/Jeremy/Rachel love triangle left me feeling that Jeremy was essentially a terrible, self-absorbed person.  I don’t think that was what the film was going for but, regardless….

Hidden Secrets is an uneven film, to say the least.  At its best, it made me miss some of my old friends.  It’s been a while since we’ve all gotten together.  Hopefully, when we next see each other, it won’t be at another funeral.

October Positivity: Jerusalem Countdown (dir by Harold Cronk)


2011’s Jerusalem Countdown opens with the world on the verge of destruction.  Israel and a nuclear-armed Iran are negotiating in Washington and not everyone wants the two countries to be at peace.

In Chicago, Daniel (Carey Scott) watches the news of the summit and then looks out his window as his unfriendly and glowering neighbor comes and goes from his house.  Daniel worries that his neighbor is up to something.  He could be a member of a terrorist cell!  Daniel’s wife (Jaci Velasquez) tells him to stop worrying about things that he can’t control but that’s easier said than done.

FBI agent Eve (Anna Zielinski) is approached by her father (Stacy Keach), a former intelligence agent who warns her that the end times are approaching.

Another intelligence agent, Shane Daughtery (David A.R. White) is contacted by a burned-out arms dealer (Lee Majors), who informs him that a group of terrorists are planning on setting off a series of bombs and plunging the world into war.  The arms dealer is assassinated by a man who keeps reciting passages from the Book of Revelations.  Meanwhile, CIA bigwig Jack Thompson (a seriously miscast Randy Travis) continually tells Shane that he can’t share too much information with him because it’s all classified….

Jerusalem Countdown is a faith-based film that also tries to be an action film.  In fact, I would say that far more emphasis is put on action than on faith.  Until the final few minutes of the film, there’s really not much focus put on religion, other than Daniel briefly praying when he finds himself trapped in the neighbor’s house and a scene where a librarian scolds Shane and Eve for not knowing about the Ten Commandments.  One major commandments, by the way, is Thou Shalt Not Kill but Shane and Eve manage to kill quite a few people in this film.  Of course, they were all bad people and Shane and Eve are trying to keep the world from being plunged into a world war so I’m willing to cut them some slack.

The cast, as you may have noticed, has a number of familiar faces in it.  It’s largely a nostalgia cast, the type that’s designed to make people over the age of 60 say, “Lee Majors is in this!”  With the exception of Randy Travis, none of the “stars” have a particularly large role.  One gets the feeling that Stacy Keach filmed his scenes in a handful of hours, collected his paycheck, and then got out of there.  It’s amazing to me that Eric Roberts is somehow not in this film.

As for the film itself, it’s competently made and David A.R. White is one of the better actors amongst the Pureflix regulars.  (White has even managed to maintain a semblance of dignity through five God’s Not Dead films.)  That said, the film itself moves a bit slowly and the low-budget keeps the action from being as memorable as it could be.  There’s a cool helicopter crash but otherwise, it’s never as exciting as it obviously wants to be and there’s a lot — and I do mean A LOT — of filler-type scenes of people talking on their phones while driving from one location to another.  The plot itself feels a bit muddled and there’s a lot of loose ends left dangling, as if the film was meant to be a set up for a sequel that never came.

October Positivity: The Wager (dir by Judson Pearce Morgan)


In 2007’s The Wager, Randy Travis plays Michael Steele, an Oscar-nominated actor who….

Stop laughing, that’s not nice.

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that Randy Travis is not exactly the first person that I would cast as an Oscar-nominated actor.  And, I’ll also be the first to admit that having Randy Travis act in this film makes it even harder to believe him as someone who could someday be nominated for an Oscar.  A lot of country music stars have tried their hand at acting and most of them have been able to survive on the basis of their own authenticity.  But there’s nothing authentic about Travis’s performance here.  Even when he picks up a guitar and sings a song about the difficulties that he’s facing, he’s not convincing.  In this, it’s not so much that Travis is a stiff actor as he just seems to evaporate whenever he’s on screen.

As for the film, Michael Steele is an actor who is known for his strong faith and his refusal to do sex scenes.  When a director (Bronson Pinchot) throws a fit over Steele’s refusal to shoot once such scene, Steele says that he’ll do the scene but only if it’s followed by a scene in which his co-star has to deal with being a single mother.  OUCH!  Michael Steele seems like he’s fun at parties….

(Apparently, it doesn’t occur to Michael that his character could wear a condom.)

Wait a minute.  This guy has the same name as that jackass who is always on the news talking about how he’s a Republican who thinks everyone should vote for the Democrats.  I wonder if that’s intentional.  Anyway….

Michael Steele’s career has had its up and downs.  His recent divorce from Annie (Nancy Stafford) has damaged his family friendly image.  But his Oscar nomination and the fact that he’s expected to win has once again made the world’s most popular star.  But then — scandal!  A tabloid photographer snaps a picture of Michael talking to a young actress at his house.  In the background, a little kid watches.  Now, the kid is a part of the Big Brother program and Michael was just trying to help the younger woman with her career but it doesn’t matter.  Soon, Michael finds himself being portrayed as being some sort of pervert.  When he punches a photographer, he finds himself getting arrested — RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS CHURCH!

Now, as you may have guessed, this is yet another retelling of the story of Job, with Michael having his faith tested by one disaster after another.  He doesn’t lose his faith and, as a result, he wins both an Oscar and he also becomes a hero when he rescues the kid from the Big Brother program from his abusive stepfather.  Anyone who thinks that God wouldn’t have a hand in who wins an Oscar obviously did not listen to Will Smith’s acceptance speech.

The Wager is a film that would probably not be made today.  Today, you’re not likely to see a socially conservative, faith-based film where a successful actor is wrongly accused of being a pervert.  Then again, you also probably wouldn’t see a politically liberal film in which a successful white male actor was wrong accused of being an abuser, not in today’s cultural climate.  On both the Left and the Right, attitudes towards Hollywood have changed.  Beyond the film’s political and cultural subtext, its portrait of the Oscars as being the most important event of the year also feels rather old-fashioned.  I imagine it felt old-fashioned in 2007 as well….

Then again, this is a film in which Randy Travis plays the best actor of his generation so perhaps it’s best not to take any of it too seriously.  The miscasting of Travis pretty much sabotages the movie from the start but, on the positive side, Bronon Pinchot is amusing as a bitchy director and Jude Ciccolella has a few good scenes as Michael’s supportive agent.  Give those men an Oscar!